Hi, Trashies! So, we’re going to pick up where we left off. Evan has pried Amanda and Josh away long enough to let everyone see just how delusional he is. He reads is “date card” to Amanda and she agrees to go talk to him.
Oh, while the theme song is happening, I have to be a fan girl for a moment.
JUBILEE TWEETED BACK AT ME!!!!
Anyway, let’s get right to the drama! Amanda walks off to talk to Evan and Josh couldn’t be less intimidated.
And Amanda’s eyes says, “Oh, fuck.”
Evan does a major feelings dump on Amanda saying that he came to the show for her. The gist of it is, “I came here to meet you, then I met Carly and that didn’t work out, so I guess I’ll come back to you now. I know you’ve been making out with Josh nonstop, but do you think there’s a chance we could ever get together?” Evan really is the most oblivious person in the entire world, isn’t he?
While that awkwardness is happening, Jorge brings Josh some shitty looking pizza. Remember the noises that Josh made while making out with Amanda? He makes them while eating too. He also goes on and on about how pizza in Mexico is awesome. First of all, I’m pretty sure Mexico isn’t the country you go to if you want awesome pizza. Second, it doesn’t even look like good pizza.
Seriously, that looks like they got it from the freezer section at a grocery store.
I’m assuming this is way more interesting than the conversation that Evan is having with Amanda because we are forced to watch it for a long time.
Also, Josh’s eyebrows make him look constantly concerned.
Let’s cut back to Amanda letting Evan down gently. She tells him that she was so surprised by him the first time they met. Translation: Evan wasn’t as gross as she originally thought. Also, she wishes Evan would have asked her out earlier because now she “feels something with Josh.” That would be his tongue caressing her tonsils. Also, the word “like” is said at least 3,296 times. For some reason, Amanda starts crying.
Or she’s hiding her laughter. I can’t tell.
It was nice of Evan to let Amanda keep her wine.
Amanda tells Josh that she feels bad for rejecting Evan. Josh just laughs and eats pizza. I’m going to start calling her “like Amanda” from now on. Evan is telling a very different story. Why does he tell Jared that Amanda said he came here to meet him? She literally said none of that. And as we cut to commercial:
Well played, BiP interns. Well played.
We cut to the next morning…
…and Daniel is shaving Vinny’s back.
We skip the whole day after that and cut right to the cocktail party and rose ceremony. Nick is nervous because he has no romantic connection with anyone at this point. Josh is also sweating like crazy.
Sarah has to choose between Christian and Daniel tonight. Christian is super confident about everything, but Daniel spends his time with Sarah getting stung by a bee on his chin. He also has a very cute wiggly foot.
Yay! They finally kiss!
Brandon (who?) is confident that Haley will give him a rose…even though he couldn’t tell the twins apart. Haley spends their time together pointing out all the things that are different about the two of them in hopes that Brandon (who?) catches on. He does not.
Since Evan didn’t get anything from Like Amanda, he needs to try to throw Josh under the bus because that’s what Evan does. I mean, it worked out for him when he tattled on Chad to JoJo. It has to work again, right? All he does is talk about Andi’s book and warns Amanda to be careful. When Like Amanda goes back to the other ladies to explain what happened, Lace basically agrees with Evan. If what Andi said in her book is true, Like Amanda should run very far away and never let Josh anywhere near her two kids.
For some reason, Grant decides to go talk to Josh after Lace reiterates everything to him. Unfortunately, Josh is sitting right there. Of course he’s pissed that Evan talked to Like Amanda. Even during his conversation with Like Amanda, Josh proves how controlling he is. Like Amanda says she doesn’t want to make a big deal about it because she still likes Evan and his intentions were good. Josh doesn’t agree to just drop he. He demands that Like Amanda justify why she still likes Evan. Nope. Nothing in Andi’s book was true at all.
I wonder how much Evan will bleed after Josh confronts him. Josh just falls back on his “only God can judge me” cliches. If he really doesn’t think that Evan is in any place to judge him, why is he so worked up? He tells the same old story about the book not being true and Evan says exactly what I’ve been thinking: “Why wouldn’t you sue her for libel?”
Evan-1, Josh-0.
Eh, Josh just goes on this whole rant about how he doesn’t want to acknowledge something so untrue (even though he’s been doing that literally this whole time). I’m inclined to believe what Andi said. She’s an attorney. She knows exactly what could have happened had Josh sued her for defamation of character. Granted, she referred to all the men by numbers, so I imagine that could have been a loophole, but it’s not like everyone wouldn’t know who she was talking about. I just think Josh’s reaction to this book is very telling. Then Evan drops the most accurate thing I’ve ever heard anyone say about Josh: “There’s an ocean of words, but there’s no thoughts.” A-fucking-men.
While this is going on, Nick wants to talk to Like Amanda about Josh as well. He tells her that he absolutely hopes the book was fictional because it’s very disturbing. Nick also says that what Andi said about him was true, so he’s not sure why she’d lie about Josh. He doesn’t tell her what to do past “just ask the right questions.”
Eventually, Josh and Like Amanda are back together. It’s weird that Josh is so mad that these people voiced their concerns to Like Amanda and not to him. I’m not sure why. This absolutely had everything to do with Like Amanda. If a friend is concerned for her, they should tell her. What good would it have done for Nick or Evan to go up to Josh and say, “Hey, I just want to make sure that what Andi said isn’t true and you’re not going to abuse Like Amanda.” After that, Like Amanda tells us that she’s really questioning things with Josh and she’s not sure what she’ll do.
Time for the rose ceremony!
Lace gives a rose to Grant
Izzy gives a rose to Vinny
Emily gives a rose to Jared
Amanda gives a rose to Josh
Sarah gives a rose to Daniel (YAY!)
Carly gives a rose to Evan
Carly tells us that she hopes that Evan knows this is platonic rose. Oh, you know Evan doesn’t think that. He’s probably telling his kids Carly is their new mom. Evan is all sorts for gross when he says, “She closed the door on me, but she may have accidentally forgot to lock it so maybe I can sneak back in.” Yep. That’s how all relationships should start.
Haley gives a rose to Nick
Simply, Haley didn’t feel anything with Bradon and Nick is her friend. She wants him to find someone. With that, Brandon and Christian are asked to leave.
The next morning, Emily is telling us how excited she is about Jared. You know what that means, right?
I wonder if she’ll ask Jared on a date.
I guess the show felt bad about telling Caila (Ben) that she’d be the Bachelorette and then picking JoJo at the last second. I guess Paradise is a decent consolation prize.
Emily immediately says she’s intimidated by Caila (yay, honesty!), but then turns on the badmouthing. I can’t say I disagree with anything that Emily says though. Caila really does come across as a little too perfect and a little too on all the time. Seriously, what was with the whole “sex panther” throwback comment? That didn’t even make sense. Shut up, Caila. Then Emily drops my new favorite line of the episode: “I think she just comes off as perfect and that comes off as condescending. What does ‘condescending’ mean?”
Of course Caila asks Jared out on a date. Carly points out that Jared’s face lit up as soon as Caila walked in. At least he is nice enough to talk to Emily before accepting the date. Despite her immaturity shown whenever she’s trashing someone behind their back, Emily takes everything surprisingly well. With that, Jared and Caila leave for their horseback riding date.
So, Caila picked the wrong top for horseback riding.
Or the right one if you’re Jared.
I have to laugh as soon as Caila says, “This feels like a movie!” It should. She’s literally being filmed right now. Of course Caila took horseback riding lessons in Argentina. That pretty much sums up everything we need to know about her. The date just ends with some making out on the beach.
Back at the resort, old Daniel makes an appearance.
What is it with this guy and belly buttons?
And in case you forgot, Josh and Like Amanda are still together.
A date card arrives and it’s for Izzy and Lace. They’ll be going on a double date with their men. Also, they’re calling themselves “The Fantastic Four.” So, yeah. I’m glad they excluded Josh and Like Amanda and are no longer calling themselves “The Sexy Six.” Also, how the fuck can Lace say that she and Grant are a “day one couple” when she spent the whole first day making out and fighting with Chad?
Later that night, Emily is crying about Jared going out with Caila. She’s basically Ashley I. 2.0 – she cries and wonders why she’s not good enough. Caila and Jared return, Evan offers them a chicken tender, and then Jared decides to talk to Emily. Again, I give him credit for talking to her and not just blowing her off. After that, Emily cries and tells us, “They always pick someone else and they’re always way uglier than me.” I think I know why guys don’t pick you, Emily.
Oh, hey, the double date is happening. They’ve given themselves celebrities names – “Grace” (Grant and Lace) and “Vizzy” (Vinny and Izzy). I’m more annoyed that they’re calling themselves celebrities. The date is nothing special. It’s just dinner (that they probably didn’t eat) where they talk about how much they like each other.
While that’s going on, Sarah and Carly are hanging out with Daniel and Evan. Evan’s back to being all about Carly because Like Amanda (who he admitted was his first choice) turned him down. He’s also being super creepy. Dude, stop trying to wear Carly down into dating you. She doesn’t hate you, but she said she’s not into you. Also, Daniel tries to make them all sorts of uncomfortable. Seriously, this all gets weird. He says that Carly is the first woman who has made him able to let his guard down. Keep in mind this guy was married and has three children with that woman. And then Carly tells us that she’s starting to like Evan because she’s attracted to weird.
Or she’s desperate and Evan is pretty much her only option.
Evan goes to bed and a producer goes to check on him for no apparent reason. He doesn’t respond to her trying to wake him up. Why the fuck does she go to get Carly? What the hell was Carly going to do? It all just seems so fake. The producer trying to wake him up sounds so rehearsed. Considering the show is liable for the safety of the people on it, don’t you think they’d be more frantic if they found one of those people unresponsive? Remember in the move The Sandlot where Squints pretended to drown so that he could kiss the lifeguard? Evan just did that to Carly! She has to stay with him tonight in case something happens.
Evan is making me uncomfortable.
Oh, and then they’re making out. Carly admits that she kind of likes that Evan would go to such an extreme just to get her attention. Ugh, shut up, Carly.
Back on the date, more of nothing is happening. The four go to a club, some chick pours water on Lace, Grant diffuses the situation, and Lace is happy about that. The end.
Since that’s boring, we have to watch (and hear) Like Amanda and Josh having sex.
Ew.
Oh, and the show is super subtle with the clips of flowers opening and train going through a tunnel and fireworks going off. Oh, and Nick is complaining the whole time.
Cut to the next day. Jared is having a great time with Caila…
…but that’s about to change.
Ahsley (Chris) tells us that she’s still in love with Jared and he’s sending her a lot of mixed signals. Sometimes he sends her roses, sometimes they kiss, sometimes they sleep in a bed together. Oh, but she’s still a virgin. Despite the two of them being super close, Ashley tells us that Jared doesn’t know she’s coming on the show and she’s worried that he’ll be in love with someone else.
Before we get to the next episode, here’s my thoughts on the whole Ashley and Jared situation. Either he really is sending her a whole lot of mixed signals and stringing her along or this is all an act for the show. I follow both of them on Instagram and they seem to be really great friends. I would not be surprised if they planned for this to be a thing just so they could extend their 15 minutes of fame.
OK! On to Tuesday night! I love Chris Harrison’s conversation with Ashley. “The crying – how’s that going for you?” is the greatest thing he’s ever said. She’s only going to cry three times total. Also, we learn that Ashley and Jared have gotten to second base, but nothing has happened in the last five months. Oh, and she has a date card.
So, Ashley joins the group.
Jared makes this face.
And Caila makes this face.
Ashley immediately takes Jared away to talk. That’s when Jared tells her that he’s hanging out with Caila.
To which Ashley makes this face.
After that conversation, Ashley goes to talk to Emily and Haley. Apparently, Ashley and Caila are friends and Caila promised she wouldn’t go after Jared. If that’s true, Caila is being kind of a shitty person. Also, Ashley is crying for the first of her only three times. She runs off and talks to a bird (who is likely a producer), and that conversation ends with, “You’re know they’re going to make you a raccoon.”
The raccoon will always be faithful to Clare!
After that, Ashley wants to talk to Caila. Ashley starts crying for the second time as she confronts Caila about how she said previously that Jared wasn’t her type. That all changed as soon as she talked to him. I still think that’s kind of shitty. If Caila promised her friend Ashley that she wouldn’t even try with Jared, then he shouldn’t have been an option. I’m all for going after a person who makes you happy, but don’t make a promise that you might not be able to keep. Also, it’s entirely possibly that Caila is good friends with Ashley and this is all part of the fake drama that I was talking about earlier.
As soon as Jared hears that Ashley is crying, he goes to talk to her and tries to convince her not to go. I could have lived without the “whore” in Ashley calling Caila “a backstabbing whore of a friend,” but I can see why she’s angry and she wants to leave. Eventually, Jared convinces Ashley to ask out Daniel because he’s funny and she’d have a great time.
I love that we have more Jorge this season. That is all.
Can Jorge be the next Bachelor?
Sarah is bummed about Daniel going out with Ashley, but she handles it well. I don’t think she should worry. Sarah is literally the only person who seems to be able to hang out with him. Nick just wants to know what would happen if an alien and a virgin go on a date together.
On the date, the first thing Daniel brings up is Ashley’s virginity. I guess he just wanted to beat her to the punch because she would have brought it up in a few minutes anyway. Also, I’m pretty sure that Daniel just admitted that his bisexual. I’m pretty sure that’s a Bachelor first. That explains a lot – especially his thing with the other guys’ belly buttons. And he has a crush on Nick. I couldn’t get a picture of it, but I’m more excited that Ashley and Daniel actually eat on their date. This is definitely a Bachelor first.
Back at the house, Jared is talking to Caila about the events of the day. Basically, he can’t let caring about Ashley as a friend get in the way of him meeting someone else. Caila says that she’s holding back on the physical affection so that she doesn’t hurt anyone else’s (read: Ashley) feelings.
That was quick. Ashley is actually having a really good time on the date. Daniel seems like one of those guys who is weird in a group, but is really great one-on-one. Then he says that Ashley’s virginity is a turn on and that he wants to de-flower her.
Dammit, Daniel! Now I have to hate you again!
Then this happens:
In case you forgot, Ashley is a virgin.
Ashley is carried of and Daniel just sits at the table and keeps eating.
Never change, Daniel.
The next morning, Ashley is crying again to Haley and Emily.
Oh, and this is still happening. Just in case you forgot.
With that, we get some commentary from Nick about how he hasn’t connected with anyone yet. As soon as he says he wants to meet someone fun and super hot Jen (Ben) arrives! You know, the girl he came on the show to meet. I’m not sure why everyone says that Jen is stunning and super hot. I just don’t see it.
She’s kind of the poor man’s Sharleen.
Jen talks to the twins who fill her in on everything. Daniel offers to pay Jen in Canadian dollars to take him on the date, but ultimately she asks Nick. Hooray!
Ew, we have to talk to Carly about her and Evan. She’s not sure if she’s flattered or creeped out by Evan faking his illness. I’m not sure why people think this is romantic. To me, it seems really deceptive and manipulative. The medic says that Evan has to go the hospital…for his ankle. He decides to use this as a way to get a date with Carly. Ew.
I’m actually grateful to see the date. It’s a way to avoid Evan and Carly playing a big game of “eh, you’ll do.” It’s hilarious that Nick thinks he’s lucky that Jen asked him out. Who else was she going to ask? Nick is the only single guy who isn’t Daniel.
Oh, for fuck’s sake. Why are they making Evan in the ambulance seem like some huge emergency? His fucking ankles are swollen. That’s it.
And the medic should be fired for administering an IV like that.
At the hospital, Carly looks in Evan’s ear. Also, because he’s medicated and relaxed, she sees him in a different light and has officially convinced herself that Evan is worth settling for.
Let’s watch a way less creepy date.
Until all the crabs show up.
Back at the resort…
This has to be more than three times.
While that’s happening, Caila tells us she loves that Ashley wears her heart on her sleeve, but she has to look out for her own relationship with Jared.
Holy shit! We’re having a second rose ceremony this week! The first cocktail party conversation we see is Jared and Caila and it’s just more of the “Caila has her walls up” story that we got on Ben’s season. While that’s going on, Nick is giving Ashley some tough love. He tells her that she doesn’t love Jared – she’s obsessed and infatuated with him. Then he just lays it out there: “You’re will never be with Jared.” I really think Ashley needs to realize that.
And now we have to watch Ashley sob at Jared.
Here’s Ashley’s ugly crying face just for good measure.
Oh, wait. I guess we get no rose ceremony. It’s a cliffhanger.
A storm knocked out my Internet and cable on Tuesday, so I didn’t watch After Paradise. I imagine I missed literally nothing. Someone told me that Daniel made a comment about being like Rambo in First Blood when it comes to taking Ashley’s virginity. So, yeah. There’s that.
So, there you have it, Trashies. Another week of Paradise in the books. What are your thoughts on the Ashley and Jared situation? I think I’m still standing by my theory that they’re really good friends, but they still play up their past drama for the sake of getting camera time. Sound off in the comments below! And don’t forget to check out the Rose Pricks podcast with RonnieK and Stefanie Wilder Taylor.
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