CNN – Beguiling Frat Boy Very Sorry You Caught Him Lying to You
John Slattery lookalike water baby Ryan Lochte issued an apology today for making up a story about getting robbed at gunpoint in Rio. Doing his best to remember every cliché from Locked Up Abroad, he deftly copied and pasted over the actual account of pissing on a gas station and breaking some property before an armed security guard made him shit his pants with a 9mm Beretta. Ryan’s old, out of touch, but very wealthy parents – the US Olympic Committee – expressed their disappointment him and promised us all that there’s absolutely no way he’s taking the boat out this weekend. Shame on him.
BBC – Boring Divorcee Makes Big Boring Donation with Lots of Boring Settlement Money
Amber Heard, Someone I Find Boring, has just won $7 million in damages in the Johnny Depp divorce case. She’s giving it all to the ACLU and the Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles as a show of support for victims of domestic abuse. Good for her! For being a great lady and getting out of a terrifying situation. And good for us, because now we’re done talking about Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. They’re so boring!
E! – Stassi Schroeder Takes a Bath with Her Toaster Oven
Hey everyone, Bubba Luv and Useless Dolt – aka Katie Malone and Tom Schwartz – got married! Yes, after years and years of being relentlessly nagged and having drinks spilled on him, Tom gave in to the burning urge to tie this woman down forever. And with a man that did nothing but cheat on her and was too dumb to lie it away, Katie happily said yes! Mazel, you too. I’m so glad you waited. Now that you both are settled down with such profitable careers, I’m sure you crazy kids will make it. I hear bartenders get great parental leave and waiting tables comes with a sah-weet 401K.
People – Local Oddity Continues Audition for Us Weekly Cover
Blac Chyna, a descendant of the long forgotten Furby race, wants to gain 100 pounds before her current pregnancy is up. She’s already gained 48. Because I guess she’s giving birth to a humpback whale. So yay, way to have goals, Chyna. Yes, we’re all still listening. Yes, we all still care. Yes, you are going to be a Kardashian some day. Yes, yes, yes. Now rock yourself on your curiously massive thighs and know everything will be alright.
TMZ – There is No Story Here, or, Ode to a Garbage Person
Here’s tempestuous jabberwocky Farrah Abraham in a lilac bikini. Hey Farrah! You look like a dumpster fire. You are the scum between my toes. You are a literal biohazard. I love you, but I hate you. How can one person hold such a mysterious, hypnotic hold over me? What is your black magic, Farrah, and from whence does it derive its power? Your strange awfulness mesmerizes me. Your ineffable ugliness overwhelms me. Your bountiful wrath… it moves me. It moves with me. It moves within me. Farrah. Farrah. Oh, Farrah…
Have a good weekend everybody!
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