Previously: The olds (Cool Coroner Mom and Sheriff Zero Fucks) thought poor man’s Rocky Dennis, Brandon James could still be alive and killing teens; Tyler Slurred, like a time traveler, appears in the background of newspaper photos; everybody thinks Tyler Slurden is a killer ‘cause he’s obsessed with Bleh-mma. Doesn’t everyone know by now that There’s Something About Bleh-mma? Shut Up! Noah dedicates his dumb podcast to the memory of Cram It! Zoe, and gets hacked. Haha, suck it; Mayor Sal made yet another bad life decision and got the sleaze stabbed out of him at the Nightmare Pee Barn. Audrey and Bleh-mma were on the scene and get their hands all up on the murder weapon, because they are idiots; Audrey and Bleh-mma get busted the police. Audrey will be top bitch in prison, but Bleh-mma is going to have to watch her back in the shower.
Bleh-mma and Audrey are in the back of the squad car cursing New Coke 2, who once again, has schooled their dumb asses. Audrey tells the deputy driving the car that they didn’t do it, because he cares so much. Well, there is a reason that you aren’t supposed to distract the driver, and this dude swerves to avoid New Coke 2, who has decided to stand in the middle of the road. New Coke 2 is going as the hook man from I Know What You Did Last Summer, so this is a dry run for his costume. CRASH. New Coke 2 stabs the deputy, and then drops the keys to Audrey and Bleh-mma’s handcuffs before running off into the night. After freeing themselves, Bleh-mma grabs the deputy’s gun. Audrey isn’t thrilled, because nothing says trouble like a generic blonde with a gun.
Should’ve sprung for Uber Black
Day. Audrey and Bleh-mma are on the run like Blondie and Dyke (can someone please kill them in a gratuitous shootout scene? Please?), while SZF makes the ginormous mistake of going to Professor Try-Hard for help. Ugh. Professor Try-Hard says that Bleh-mma and Audrey are suffering from a shared psychosis, and because they can’t move past their trauma, they keep reliving it. C’mon, SZF…if you’re going to go to a psychiatrist for advice, go to a reputable one; Lucy from the Peanuts is good, and you don’t need insurance, just five cents.
My diagnosis? These characters suffer from crippling blandness and extreme asshat syndrome
Ok, so Lakewood is not a big town…so how are two teenage girls still at large? The girls stop at a convenience store and act all shady. The guy at the counter gets a call for Bleh-mma; it’s New Coke 2 and they need to put on their running shoes because if they get caught, someone they love is gonna die. This is the perfect moment for their faces to get splashed across the TV, so the clerk can see that he has fugitives in his store. Not that he does anything to stop them, or anything. Slacker.
No road snacks? Rookie move, fugitive newb
Bitchy Brooke is in mourning. Some people deal with grief by crying, but Bitchy cuts up oranges for some fresh OJ. Whatever helps you process, hon. Creepy Cartoonist knocks on the backdoor. Bitchy snarks about his suddenly respecting the social niceties, and knocking. Creepy is just being respectful of Bitchy’s grief, that and he saw the big old knife she’s wielding. Bitchy’s upset about Mayor Sal (obviously), but she’s also pissed that Creepy Cartoonist didn’t respond to any of her texts. I mean, she sent the crying face emoji, so it was serious! Creepy said he couldn’t go home, and then his phone died. Creepy then asks if Bitchy saw the video of Bleh-mma and Audrey? Of course she did, Bitchy is not the type to wait till the weekend to catch up on her must-see shows. Creepy says that Audrey looks pretty guilty, and she obviously accused him of being the killer to deflect her own guilt. Bitchy, however, knows that neither Bleh-mma nor Audrey would have killed Mayor Sal, Meathead, or Mr. Boddy in the conservatory with the lead pipe. Creepy Cartoonist’s mistake here was not taking off his shirt. Bitchy tells Creepy to get lost. On his way out, Creepy spots a deputy out front.
I see….bloody zombie people
Bleh-mma and Audrey are now crouching in the bushes and avoiding patrol cars. Audrey suggests that they hide out in the theatre. Sure, the theatre must be abandoned now that Audrey isn’t working there. Bleh-mma leaves Audrey in the bushes with the gun, while she scampers into Kieran Kohl’s open bedroom window. Kieran is just toweling off after a shower so we get, well not beefcake like Creepy, but more veggie burger. Smooches. Bleh-mma says that they’re going to hide at the theatre. Free Icee’s for everyone with a warrant out for their arrest! Kieran says that Tyler Slurden didn’t come home last night, so he’s still out there freaking people out with his crazy eyes. Audrey is freaking out in the bush, and rushes off when Tyler pulls up in the driveway. Tyler Slurden has stalker sonar and hears voices coming from Kieran’s room and busts in. Just Kieran putting on a shirt, nothing to see. Tyler Slurden is pissed that Kieran put the police on his ass, and he had to spend the evening with Lakewood’s finest. Kieran wants to know what the hell his cousin was doing at Not Eddie Redmayne’s funeral, and warns him to stay away from Princess Bleh-mma. Tyler Slurden will do what he wants so nyah nyah. Meanwhile, Audrey and Bleh-mma are busy giving their glutes some work as they crouch under Kieran’s window.