Last week, Ramona spouted “no” like a petulant toddler who’s refusing to eat her green beans or take off her macramé diaper. Luann complained about Bethenny’s line of questioning which brought up painful memories of her talk show. Bethenny then got her revenge by revealing Tom’s cheating and cranial five o’clock shadow with some steamy pics.
Luann is still gripping onto her Starbucks cup like she’s going to rack up rewards for product placement. Jules and Dorinda are there to serve as Luann’s safe haven. When these two are the best you’ve got, there’s going to be trouble. Sure enough, when Luann tells them what has happened, Jules is just mumbling stuff in her “I see dead people and only Dorinda can see me” voice while Dorinda tells us that she doesn’t even remember Wednesday night. We know Dorinda. We’ve seen your recycling bin.
They tell Luann to check out the picture because just three months ago he was banging Sonja. I love that this is not disputed because everyone knew about the two of them.
Luann goes to Bethenny’s room to check out the picture and she asks how bad it is? Like, is it naked Count DeLesseps bad? Luann starts heaving, not because she’s upset, she’s just on her pre-wedding diet. Bethenny is shaking and crying from the anxiety of not having a SkinnyGirl bottle in the shot. She tells Luann that he made out with this girl for over an hour, was wasted and left her with the bill, cuz, gold diggers. Luann heaves at hearing this. It hurts her to the core to know that Tom might stick her with the bill one day.
Luann reports back to Dorinda and Jules and Dorinda gets a case of the Ramona “no’s”. These UES women have weird responses to situations. Anyway, Dorinda says it should have been a kinder and gentler delivery. She questions why Bethenny told her at this moment, at the end of the trip, like there’s some conspiracy at play. The bigger question is, why did Dorinda set Luann up with a man that she knew had done crazy eye time with Ramona and had Wesson Oil sponsored Slip n’ Slide dates with Sonja?
Ramona, Sonja and Carole join Bethenny. Ramona and her Botox-frozen tear ducts try to cry. She shrieks that she wishes someone told her about Mario because not only did she find out from Page Six, but her UES friends knew.
Bethenny: Well let me be the first to tell you, you look like Snooki’s drunk aunt.
“That was harsh but I needed to hear that. Geraldine Parsons Smith would have never told me to my face.”
Bethenny asks for a drink and it’s a bottle of SkinnyGirl. If she could go through the season shrink wrapped like a bottle she would.
“How could I get on that boat? It didn’t have electrical outlets for my SkinnyGirl blender! Why me, God, why me?!
Dorinda is in the other room trying to brush the whole thing off with Luann and saying it’ll be fine. Cheating is okay. Fighting in front of her Santa statues? Grounds for a vodka bottle up your anus.
#NeverForget
Luann returns to Bethenny’s room to get more details. Luann has come armed with excuses ranging from the pictures being old to John Travolta switching faces with Tom to get his $7 million back. Bethenny reveals that there’s no chance any her information is wrong because she pulled a Meghan King Edmonds and called the bartender and general manager to confirm it all by pretending to be the woman at the bar #justice.
Luann says that she was at the Regency with him that night and weakly asks if the photo is time stamped. There’s no getting around it. Bethenny has time stamps, hair samples and enough semen to get even Ramona pregnant. They agree that he must have been wasted and Bethenny coaches her on what to say to Tom.
“I encourage you to make this breakup last for four years.”
Luann texts Tom through voice to text and after she asks “How could you do this to me?” she adds “Question mark”. Even in the midst of a crisis, punctuation is observed – Class with the Countess p.8. Bethenny revs up the train to Single Town by saying that he can’t be trusted and reminding Luann that they’re only engaged at this point. Luann insists that he loves her but alcohol gives him Rumspringa ’79 flashbacks.
I’m sure he was just helping her churn a mouth full of butter.
Bethenny also reveals that she told Luann’s least friendly castmates all about Tom’s infidelity, but in their defense, they gleefully talked about it all weekend.
Tom finally calls Luann, supposedly. We don’t actually hear him on speakerphone like we do everyone else on this show so for all we know he’s sent her a dick pic with a thumbs up emoji and left her to wrap up this storyline. “Tom” claims he doesn’t remember a thing. His memory is jolted by Luann refusing to accept that B.S. excuse and he says that she is someone from Los Angeles and it was just a kiss. She calls him out for kissing her for over an hour and he says that it’ll never happen again. It probably won’t. That make out session probably rubbed off the last scraps of epidermis left on his 50 year old single lips. She continues to yell at him and leaves the room as Bethenny drinks from the bottle.
SkinnyGirl: For the horrible moments captured on iPhones.
“Kodak didn’t capture it because it’s a dying brand.”
Luann leaves Bethenny to go back into the other room to ask them not to talk about this anymore. Dorinda starts clapping and runs into Luann’s arms for nap time and a cookie. She says that she didn’t know the player side of Tom and says that John was known as a player too. What does he play, Supermarket Sweep?