Last week, Bethenny and Luann took bets on how many married men they could bang before the Chinese New Year. Carole inspired Louisa May Alcott to come back to life and write Little Women: Jo’s Quinceanera. Sonja had three lines and they were the best of the night and I’m not sure what ethnicity Jules is because she didn’t mention it at all. Any guesses out there?
I’m struggling guys. It’s so hard to watch a bunch of women argue and tell on each other like a class of third graders. They’re not even regular third graders though. They’re the type of entitled, asshole third graders humanity will produce and then try to annihilate through civil war in 2046. We open with the Trainwreck Formerly Known as Bethenny. She tries to hold back tears as she recalls not having family when she went through her health scare. Marriage: Easy. Childbirth: No biggie. Realizing you’d rather call your mom with whom you’ve had a 15 year old public feud than accept Ramona as your biggest supporter:
Priceless.
Seriously, Bethenny is an emotional mess. She plans on introducing Brynn to her mom so they’ll both have something to not resolve in therapy. We also get to see video footage of her walking and sobbing through the now empty apartment she once shared with Jason.
“Why did I ever think this wallpaper was a good idea?!” (Sobbing noises)
Bethenny claims her new guy was amused by her antics in the Berkshires. It’s mostly because he had sex with Tom too. When Luann attempts to board the highest horse in the land by accusing him of being amused by her humiliation, Bethenny whips out an Elmer’s bottle and chases that sucker back into the stable all whilst using words like “copious”. Jules laughs. I like Jules more and more. She can’t bridle her first season innocence.
Speaking of, we get to review Jules’ time on the show. It’s basically Asian laughs, Jewish gaffes and Michael being an ass. Andy asks about the divorce and we get the standard “can’t talk about that” line. They didn’t include any footage of her children; either Bravo got angry letters from the Juvenile Diabetes Association or Michael’s pulling rank and doesn’t want anyone taller than him and genetically related on the show. Bethenny says that a mutual friend revealed Jules was coming on the show to get a divorce and it had something to do with their pre-nup.
“See, the way my marriage is set up…”
Dorinda tells Bethenny to stay out of it because it’s not true. Jules says it’s a rumor and it’s not true so big deal. Pretty sure this means that it’s all true. How come no one questions the identity of these mutual friends? And why are we pretending that these “mutual friends” aren’t their doormen?
Jules says that she ‘s still in recovery for her eating disorder and it was a big deal to open up to the women about her relapse. She had to reveal it though because “secrets make you sick”. It’s almost as sickening as bathing in a public bucket of ice cubes. Almost. She explains that she put the silverware in the calzone because she was alone, in pain, Jewish and Asian. She says that she was so bad before that they can’t appreciate where she is now. I can tell you where she isn’t; in line for the BonPoint sale.
Bethenny found it hard to get close to Jules because it reminded her of her mom.
“Every night at dinner, my mom just sat like this.”
Bethenny denies ever talking about Jules but the latter points out that Bethenny discussed how thin she was and how she wouldn’t eat any of the bagels she gave them.
“They weren’t Kosher.”
“The bag said Kosher McKosherson!”
“In all fairness, I can’t read.”
She calls out Carole for calling her neighborhood bad and her house a McMansion. I want to know what makes an area in the Hamptons “bad”. Are the lawns cut by Americans? Do the people there still use summer as a mere noun? Bethenny says that they were being honest and she’d do it again. There’s that millenial logic I’ve come to know and loathe. Andy asks about Jules’ age shaming and Dorinda says that 52-35 = 18 so eat the cake! I think she was making the point that they could be Jules’ mom but moms should be able to subtract and not rationalize crappy behavior. Look, they’re all wrong but age jokes are weak and uncreative. Dorinda’s appointed herself Jules’ pitbull, and while she has the right to do that, a person shouldn’t be brought onto the show just to be protected from the others. Andy asks why Bethenny had a problem with the age jokes. Luann says she can “dish it out but…can’t take the heat.”
“You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him open his eyes and see that I’m getting married to Tom.”
Bethenny says that Jules didn’t present a good image of New York Jewish women because she spent $2000 for potty training, wanted her nanny to stand in line and allowed her kids to drink Kool-Aid for Shabbat. Jules is not happy that her portrayal of Judaism is being criticized and whines “what is wrong with you Bethenny?” This was her chance to declaratively state what is wrong with her. Someone get me Tamra Judge, stat! If anyone can teach Jules how to reunion, it’d be her.
O.G. Shabbat-shamer
Next, we get a package of Dorinda in all her pot stirring glory. This woman really did start just about every bit of drama this season. While she claims it comes from a good place, 100% – 89% = 75% of the drama that she intentionally started because she was mad at Ramona. At least they’re able to laugh at some of it. Dorinda shows how much she could be Jules’ mom with a reference to Bewitched. Dorinda defends what she said to Jules about confronting Bethenny because Carole and Bethenny were so mean to her. Dorinda “stands by” what she said “period, done”. When people add their own punctuation, they’re a thug. To prove my point, Dorinda starts doing the thug clap while yelling at Carole for saying Richard is haunting her house. They try to explain that it was just a joke based on Bethenny’s behavior but she doesn’t want to hear it. Carole apologizes lest she find her kitchen-less apartment filled with Canadian nickels.
Carole: It’s bad enough that my dress has summoned the spirit of a gold prospector.
Sonja is pissed that Dorinda didn’t stick up for her all season and left her out of events. No one seems to care and Dorinda claims that she’ll stay out of things from now on. Good luck getting that contract.
Back to the Love Shack literally inhabited by the B-52s, Luann knew right away that Tom was going to be her “next husband”. That’s so romantic. Ramona recounts how many dates she went on with Tom and Bethenny was a witness to date #3. Bethenny says that Ramona actually said this was her third date and asked when it’s okay to have sex.
By the third date you should be tearing that sucker up.
Everyone confronts Luann as to why she believes Tom and not her friends. It’s been verified that he’s lying about Ramona and Sonja too. Her best retort is that she’s “getting married so just back off “. That’s a declaration of love if I’ve ever heard one. Andy asks Sonja about her reaction on the boat. She said Tom could’ve taken her for coffee to break the news instead of sending her a Vine of him booty clapping to En Vogue’s Never Gonna Get It.
“I filmed it!”
As Andy is questioning Sonja, Luann, Bethenny and Carole are throwing words at each other until he steps in and threatens to cut recess short. Bethenny tattles and says that Luann’s whispering things to her.
“I’m gonna tell my momm-“
“Oh…”
“I’m gonna tell my assistant on you!”
Forgive me for not recounting every detail but this bickering all boils down to this. Luann and Sonja hug it out but Ramona sees red flags and is truly concerned for Luann.
“When I see red, I run towards men and stab them in the heart. It’s a Spanish tradition.”
“You’re not even Spanish!”
“Exactly.”
Luann explains that she didn’t tell Ramona and Sonja ahead of time because she didn’t want to reveal anything until she was sure of the relationship. Carole tries to explain that she felt the same about revealing her relationship with Adam but everyone tells her to stop talking because they don’t care about her. Shouldn’t Luann’s explanation be that she didn’t know about the both of them? That’s kind of been her story. Then Ramona shares a picture of her RS + TD pen drawing that is probably slowly poisoning her system and also presents a blog in which Tom and Ramona’s romance was reported. Luann claims she had no knowledge of it but Ramona says she was the one who asked who planted it. Then Luann says she “forgot” about it. Oh sure, like I “forgot” who called the Fresh Prince and Jazzy Jeff hotline in 1989 and racked up a $100 phone bill.
Ramona reminds her that Luann herself called out the blog in the Berkshires. Also, we find out that Sonja’s love affair is abut as intense as Lucy and Ricky’s twin beds. They only had sex five times over a ten year period. That averages out to playing “just the tip” every 12 months. Bad Sonja! Lastly, Tom saw Sonja at Beautique and basically told her to drop all of this stuff or she can’t go to the wedding. I only have one question:
“What are you doin’ here without Luann?!”
Next week, Sonja loses it over the Berkshires trip that never was. Ramona seems to have some info on Tom. Luann looks like she is about to break any moment with all of this Tom talk but then seems mad that Bethenny told her the truth about him. Maybe it’s just editing. What’d you think? Love you for reading and commenting!