Dlisted – Here’s the Fifty Shades Darker Trailer: Now With Less Sexiness and Charisma!
Yay! It’s part deux of that cinematic boner killer known as Fifty Shades Darker. Nothing dries my panties up quicker than a bunch of people with all the acting ability of lunch meat past its expiration. I feel bad for the author, who had such bad sex in her life, that she somehow found inspiration from Mormon propaganda, and then repackaged with laughably bad writing, and even worse sex. Maybe if someone had purchased E.L. James a vibrator, we could have avoided the literary scourge that is her limp dick of an oeuvre. Anyway, if you need a good night’s sleep, or are turned on by masks — according to Eyes Wide Shut they are super hawt — then this is the film for you.
The Superficial – Ryan Lochte Got Rushed By Protestors on DWTS
With our nation staring down the gun of a Cheeto dusted Drumpf-pacalypse than what better reminder of what a great country this is, than having a couple of patriots protest tyranny and injustice. Oh wait, no, they decided that protesting Wheaties Mr. July, Ryan Lochte — who is trying to win back the heart of America by doing the foxtrot — was super fucking important. First off Lochte isn’t going to win, because as George Michael tells us, “guilty feet have got no rhythm.” But also, because there is actual shit going on in the world, but no, you guys go ahead and stage your protest on a show where washed up stars wear sequins. SMDH.
IDLY – Kendall Jenner Has a Really Stupid Name For Her Friend Group
I mean that’s just sad. Kendall, sweetie, it’s called a name generator, they can be found online along with photos of the crimes against fashion committed on the reg by your family. I bet all of Kendall’s childhood coloring books were filled with shades of beige, because color — with the exception of green for $$$ — requires imagination, which is clearly something lacking in the Klan Kardashian-Jenner.
WWTDD – Kim Zolciak Finishing Touches On the Daughter Project
Kim knows that the family that works the corner together, can charge more for blow jobs together. Gotta keep pimp daddy, Andy Cohen happy.