Jezebel – GIRL, I KNOW
On her marriage to laughing shadow monster Tom Cruise, quoth Nicole Kidman:
I was so young when I got married… I look back now and I’m like, “What?”
Nicole. Sweetie.
People – Bill and Cathy Took the Kids to a Barbecue
Bill and Cathy, enjoying their first family vacay since that disaster on the Cape when George had diarrhea right before they wanted to take pictures on the beach, took their tiny little tyrannical issues to a nice garden party. The affair was in celebration of Canadian military families. Thank the lord, both kids behaved themselves and we didn’t have to apologize for anything. Well, except for Charlotte, sort of, who attacked a balloon arch with monstrous zeal and waved her hands in the air and threatened all the other children at the party that some day she’d seize this mineral-rich rock of moose shit back in the name of the crown. COWER, PEASANTS.
TMZ – Eight Six Seven Five Three Oh Fuck You
Sassy garden gnomes Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna just love fucking with other people (and each other) by blasting ultra top secret phone numbers on social media. Wouldn’t it be great if that was your life. If all you had to do was sit at home all day eating In-N-Out and drinking red bull and smoking weed in your pool while money just falls into your bank account for no apparent reason. And everything is just so preposterously easy and simple and perfect that to make yourself feel something, anything, some sweet friction of conflict or disarray… you post someone’s number on Twitter just to ruin their lives? And then once that tiny little life is tattered, you slink back into your mansion, you turn on the TV, and someone sends you a check. Imagine that.
Just Jared – I Make Out with A Daniel Craig Poster at Night
Over the summer my husband, who you may know, his name is Daniel Craig, ended his tenure with the 007 franchise to spend more time at home with me, his wife, of course. Well, the producer of those films Daniel used to slave through, thinking of me all the while, Michael Callum, whined to the BBC that he wishes Daniel were still available to shoot some more Bond movies, even though Daniel is definitely not. Daniel is with me in the bathtub, playing Sexy Submarine Spy Adventure. What a shame for Michael Callum. Sorry, Michael Callum! Might Dan and I suggest Lamont Bond?
Hollywood Reporter – SNL Shrugs Shoulders as Real World Becomes Parody of Self
Saturday Night Live, a show we used to need before 2016 happened and the world became one big cosmic joke, has made some casting changes ahead of its season premiere tomorrow night. For one, Canadian anus face Lorne Michaels has anused it up again and fired sparkling gems Jay Pharaoh and Taran Killam because ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. For another, the show’s roped in its on-again-off-again lover Alec Baldwin to play the mother of all political characters. Yes, Alec will be aping one Donald Trump, a man that SNL itself seems to have invented, a character so metaphysically satirical there seems to be no need for a show like SNL. The upshot of this, of course, is that Baldwin will play him beautifully. He’s already had YEARS of practice playing Trump’s infinitely more likable fictitious counterpart, Jack Donaghy. Just imagine this with none of the charm, twice the disdain for poors, and a thousand pounds more apricot powder. SNIFF. Can’t wait!
Have a great weekend, babies!
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us onFacebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!