Hey Trash Bags!
Can you believe it? Our four least favorite judges/investors are back! Let’s get to the pitches, bitches.
First up is Alexandra. She looks like the daughter of a New York Housewife, or possibly a stray cast member from Princess:Long Island. Remember that show? It was seriously the best. Anyway, she’s apparently from Boston, or at least she goes to school there, so whateves. She is the founder of UNItigues. It’s a fashion site for college girls, by college girls…or a college girl…not sure she has any friends. Investor Christine is already giving her the evil eye, and I’ve decided to just call her “Bitchstine” from now on. Sorry to future readers who won’t understand…gotta read them all people! Alright, so she started the company because she wanted to sell some old clothes a while back and was scared by a “Craigslist creeper.” In other words, some man came over and asked her some weird questions and she got freaked out. You guys, this show runs on Lifetime. I distinctly remember watching a movie about a Craigslist KILLER, and I never heard the story of Alexandra from Boston…so I call BS on that story. Anyway, it’s supposed to be a safe site for college girls to sell and buy their clothes online.
I’m UNIque
Alexandra is asking for $500,000 for 20% of her company, making it valued at 2.5 million dollars. She wants to make it a “dormhold name.” She may need to go back to the writer’s room with that one, but, she tried. Investor Katia is SUPER into the safety issue, but investor Gary is all about the money, just like Rod Tidwell. If you don’t know who that is, we’ll never be friends.
So Gary is basically passing already, because when asked about how much she’s made, Alex says she’s, “pre-revenue.” In other words, she’s made zilch. The lady investors become intrigued when she says that she does campus takeovers at her college where she has pop-up shops or live marketplaces so students can try on the clothes and buy. Investor Rebecca, who bugs the shizz out of me every week because she refuses to put her arms through her leather jacket arm holes, wants to set up a Road Test for her. She’ll have to set up one of her campus takeovers at some New York college, and she’ll hook her up with a mentor. Her mentor will be Jenny Fleiss, creator of Rent the Runway. I was hoping for Heidi Fleiss instead. That bitch knows how to start an empire. Am I right??
Arms go INSIDE the jacket!!!
Next up are the founders of Sock 101. Omigod. I already love Kelly and Dave! Kelly is the Chief Wisdom Officer and calls himself “SOCKrates.” I die. Dave is the Chief Voice of Reason and they have six other employees with equally adorable names. Kelly tells us that he has a passion for foot fashion, and I fall even more in love. Their company is a sock of the month company and they are asking $350,000 for 10% of the company. Now, I thought Rob Kardashian had a foothold on the sock business (see what I did there?) but with a tag line like, “Why dip your toe into fashion when you can put your whole foot in?” I think they have the market cornered!
Sock it to ’em!
Of course, Gary immediately shuts them down saying that there are so many sock delivery companies and that every designer makes them, so why would their company work? My man Kelly comes back with, “I don’t know. People just get jacked up about socks!” I’m seriously going online to join NOW!
They sell their socks for $10-15 and they make them for about $2.50. All the investors basically bitch about the design, marketing and the investment. They tell them they really want their expertise so they can make the cash cow go MOO! Of course, Bitchstine doesn’t see what expertise they would need, and they proceed to tell each investor how they could help them…minus her. They figure Katia would be perfect since she’s the Birchbox lady and she sends out socks in her boxes all the time. After this, everyone proceeds to say, “socks in her box,” so many times that I’m longing to see Gwyneth Paltrow’s head in a box.
Polka-not
Alright, so Gary makes an offer that would be a loan with 6% interest, but he wants to bring on Rebecca to help with design and branding. In the end, they make the deal and Kelly does his happy dance.