Hi, Trashies! So, First, just an FYI. I’m going to be out of town next week for work. If someone can cover me, you’ll have a recap. If not, I’ll write a mega recap the next week. With that out of the way, let’s make fun of Ben & Lauren as they perform on the most scripted “reality” show to ever exist.
We start the show with Molly helping Ben and Lauren set up their wedding registry.afdsjkalgjls’fsajgkl’a’hklnfelkngah’klf’knlef’ljf
Sorry. I fell asleep and my head hit the keyboard. I didn’t even know a bar cart was a thing. Why do Ben and Lauren need another one? Why do they want to donate the old one? Where the hell would they donate to? Why the hell do they need an ice cream maker? Or a waffle iron?
The face of materialism.
During this segment, I turned to the boyfriend and said, “If we get married, we’re registering at the beer distributor and the liquor store.” I think he loves me even more now.
So, Ben and Lauren also want a new house. Of course they call Lace because ABC is using this show to give some old cast members an extra 15 minutes she’s a real estate agent. Wow. Lauren catches on super quick that Ben called Lace and she wasn’t actually just walking around looking at houses…because I’m fairly certain she doesn’t even live in Denver anymore. Her suit is pretty awesome though.
And what is with the spy theme all of a sudden?
Ben wants a fixer-upper while Lauren wants a house that’s ready for them to move in right now. Ben uses the phrase “turn key house,” but Lace has no idea what that means. I’m sure she drank that away a long time ago.
First Lace takes them to the “fixer-upper” which pretty much translates to “dump.”
I have to agree with Lauren.
The next house is, well, pretty normal. Ben is worried that he and Lauren don’t have the money for this house. I’m amazed that there’s no happy medium. Do they really only have a choice between a complete dump or a perfect home? Anyway, Ben says he just needs a little space and walks outside. Lauren follows him so they can talk. She says that she just wants a house they can grow into (whatever the hell that means), but Ben explains that they can’t afford that right now. Then he starts point out all the things she wants. I have to agree with Lauren that it really shouldn’t be a bad thing that she wants a wedding considering she and Ben are engaged.
Not to mention ABC is paying for the wedding.
So, Ben and Lauren going to a hibachi restaurant is the most exciting thing to happen so far. Basically, we just moved the conversation to a new location. Ben explains they’ll have to make sacrifices so they can afford a new house because Lauren can’t be a flight attendant anymore. She kept getting recognized and people wanted to chat. She’s enjoys talking to people, but it got in the way of her doing her job. Eh, just wait until Nick gets engaged and then no one will give a shit about Ben and Lauren anymore.
So, Lauren decides that animals are her passion. She decides to spend a day at the zoo to see if she’d be a good fit as a zookeeper. I can’t stop laughing. First of all, a job as a zookeeper would not give Lauren enough money for the lifestyle she wants.
Also, I’m pretty sure Lauren meets exactly none of these requirements.
With that, Ben decides to become a hibachi chef because…I don’t even know. This is just fucking stupid.
So much secondhand embarrassment.
So, Ben cooks for a bunch of old ladies who given him marriage advice.
The next day, Lauren and Ben go to the zoo. Lauren things she’ll just be cuddling and playing with animals all day and she determined that flip flops were a good idea for all of this. Anyway, her first job is the feed the giraffes. Unfortunately, cuddling is not a part of the job. This whole segment is mostly about Ben getting recognized.
Until Lauren had to pick up poop emojis.
Once everything is over, Lauren, unsurprisingly, decides that being a zookeeper isn’t for her. She wants to make sure she can find a job she’s passionate about. Until then, she decides that it’s best to put the house hunting on hold.
What the hell was the segment about sexting? Ugh, the less said about that the better.
Later, Ben and Lauren talk about jobs. He likes what he does and he’s good at it (or so he says), but Lauren still has no idea what she wants. She loves fashion and beauty and makeup. With that, she thinks she’s interested in starting a lifestyle blog. Ben encourages her and takes some (shitty) photos for the blog. Spoiler: Lauren posted on 1 November (about Ben’s and her vacation). Before that, she last updated on 9 October. Lauren’s passion, ladies and gentlemen.
Also, Lauren has no idea how to actually create a blog.
We jump to Lauren’s blog launch party. In other news, blog launch parties are a thing. She’s inviting famous bloggers and is super nervous. Ben wants to help her destress, so he puts his hand over her eyes to lead her to a surprise…and he hits his head on a chandelier. Oh, I guess they’re in LA for some reason. Yeah, Ben just wants to do Lauren’s makeup.
It doesn’t look much worse than Lauren’s normal makeup.
So, you know how Lauren and Ben can’t afford to buy a house right now? I’m thinking that maybe they could if Lauren didn’t have a “glam squad” to do her hair and makeup. Just a thought.
The actual party is nothing special. Lauren is stressed, but she can’t find Ben anywhere. Why is he going to be late? What the hell did he have to do that day? Weren’t they staying in the same hotel room? Despite that, the blog is doing really well. The site actually crashed because so many people visited it at once.
Some other fame whores are here.
Ben eventually shows up with roses as well as Lauren’s mom and brother. With that, Lauren is no longer angry.
The next day, Ben and Lauren are taking some engagement photos. Ben has no idea what they’re even for and this leads to another “Ben has cold feet” segment. He gets angry that Lauren doesn’t know that he’s allergic to coconut and thinks it’s a sign they have to slow down. Why is this such a big deal? Honestly, I could completely see where something like that wouldn’t come up naturally. Hell, my boyfriend had no idea I was allergic to nickel until he gave me a necklace for our one year anniversary. The chain had nickel in it and I had to swap it out for one I already owned so I didn’t end up with a giant rash all over my neck. Ben needs to stop freaking out over every little thing.
We end the episode with Ben at the batting cages with a friend and it’s just another excuse for Ben to tell us that he’s overwhelmed. *Yawn.*
So, yeah. That’s it. We get a preview of Ben seemingly telling Lauren that the wedding is off, but I’m sure that’s just editing magic. Without stuff like that, this show would be somehow more boring. I’m not sure I even understand the point of this show. Lauren and Ben are two normal people. No one wants to watch two normal people doing normal things. That’s boring. There’s a reason that Keeping Up With the Kardashians or The Real Housewives are such popular “slice of life” shows – they’re not normal people! They’re ridiculously wealthy people doing things that require a ridiculous amount of money. They’re not toilet shopping or going to the Renaissance Fair. Hell, Ben and Lauren can’t even stretch a story line to fill an entire one hour episode. I could get a pretty good idea of what goes on in this show by just existing in my own relationship. At least that would be a lot less scripted.
Couldn’t ABC have at least given us a show with Kaitlyn and Shawn? They’re at least funny.
Until next time, Trashies.
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