The Stone Age is the theme of this week’s Toddlers & Tiaras Starz-N-Glitz pageant in Charlotte, North Carolina. Joining us once again is Pageant Die-rector Carla Smith of the over-accessorized Smiths, and her Grecian 5 sidekick and his heavily-pinched bottom. Pageant die-rector or Persian parrot? Or both?Carla is really a hot mess during this show – seriously, honey, GET IT TOGETHER before we call What Not To Wear with an emergency. Her hair is dyed brown, her eyebrows are inked in like she’s constantly surprised, her eyelids are covered in heavy, black cat-eye-attempted liquid liner and she’s schmeared super-light, frosty blue and purple eyeshadow all over most of her upper face. But not to be outdone, her body is hosting a headband with flowers, dangly earrings, a chunky necklace and what I can only imagine are millions of other accessory accoutrements from every costume jewelry store from North Carolina to Maine. Carla: CALM DOWN! Kid has issues, but not like Carla.So the Stone Age pageant theme is kind of a cute one, but you know as well as I do (and as Sad Clown shows us), people confuse their pre-historic, scientific and Biblical times by putting kids on dinosaurs and adding Eve to the mix, so clearly there are idiots and creationists throughout most of this country. Wikipedia does not fail me when it explains that the Stone Age is when STONES were used as TOOLS. Kind of like most pageant moms and their heads. No dinosaurs were hanging out at this time, nor was Jesus since the Stone Age ended in 2000 BC. That’s BEFORE CHRIST, Christians. I’m looking in your direction, Sad Clown mom. Oh, I will say Carla kicked ass on the choice of crown, I love the pinky-red of the jewels, but nothing on the crown was moving, so I had to deduct points. First up in Conway, South Carolina, we meet Charli, 2 and her mom Samantha. She calls Sam a “Diva in Training, a D.I.T.” And I have to agree with commenter Joye on this one – I was thinking the same thing about “diva.” A diva is someone who is someone who is very talented and has eccentric quirks (redundant?) in his/her odd demands. I’m thinking J-Lo with her all-white fetish while touring (all-white furniture, rugs, accessories, and probably M&Ms!), Beyonce with God knows what, or like an opera diva or something along those lines. It’s not necessarily bad behavior, it’s behavior people endure because the person has some value or is sharing a talent. It’s not a person with bad behavior and NO TALENT. The new TnT ToddlerCam is fantastic! And horrifying!Dad Evan is there too, trying to get Charli to model her dress, and I have to say I kind of hated his shirt, but at least it’s not douche-dad level. It reads, “Warning, You can go blind from my pure awesomeness,” which I found kind of dorky-funny because of the word “awesomeness” and because of the “going blind” connotation. Charli [...]
The Stone Age is the theme of this week’s Toddlers & Tiaras Starz-N-Glitz pageant in Charlotte, North Carolina. Joining us once again is Pageant Die-rector Carla Smith of the over-accessorized Smiths, and her Grecian 5 sidekick and his heavily-pinched bottom. Pageant die-rector or Persian parrot? Or both?Carla is really a hot mess during this show – seriously, honey, GET IT TOGETHER before we call What Not To Wear with an emergency. Her hair is dyed brown, her eyebrows are inked in like she’s constantly surprised, her eyelids are covered in heavy, black cat-eye-attempted liquid liner and she’s schmeared super-light, frosty blue and purple eyeshadow all over most of her upper face. But not to be outdone, her body is hosting a headband with flowers, dangly earrings, a chunky necklace and what I can only imagine are millions of other accessory accoutrements from every costume jewelry store from North Carolina to Maine. Carla: CALM DOWN! Kid has issues, but not like Carla.So the Stone Age pageant theme is kind of a cute one, but you know as well as I do (and as Sad Clown shows us), people confuse their pre-historic, scientific and Biblical times by putting kids on dinosaurs and adding Eve to the mix, so clearly there are idiots and creationists throughout most of this country. Wikipedia does not fail me when it explains that the Stone Age is when STONES were used as TOOLS. Kind of like most pageant moms and their heads. No dinosaurs were hanging out at this time, nor was Jesus since the Stone Age ended in 2000 BC. That’s BEFORE CHRIST, Christians. I’m looking in your direction, Sad Clown mom. Oh, I will say Carla kicked ass on the choice of crown, I love the pinky-red of the jewels, but nothing on the crown was moving, so I had to deduct points. First up in Conway, South Carolina, we meet Charli, 2 and her mom Samantha. She calls Sam a “Diva in Training, a D.I.T.” And I have to agree with commenter Joye on this one – I was thinking the same thing about “diva.” A diva is someone who is someone who is very talented and has eccentric quirks (redundant?) in his/her odd demands. I’m thinking J-Lo with her all-white fetish while touring (all-white furniture, rugs, accessories, and probably M&Ms!), Beyonce with God knows what, or like an opera diva or something along those lines. It’s not necessarily bad behavior, it’s behavior people endure because the person has some value or is sharing a talent. It’s not a person with bad behavior and NO TALENT. The new TnT ToddlerCam is fantastic! And horrifying!Dad Evan is there too, trying to get Charli to model her dress, and I have to say I kind of hated his shirt, but at least it’s not douche-dad level. It reads, “Warning, You can go blind from my pure awesomeness,” which I found kind of dorky-funny because of the word “awesomeness” and because of the “going blind” connotation. Charli [...]