Trashies! Trashies! Trashies!  MisRed just transformed a Siggy Flicker meme into a greeting.

It’s all about growth and change, people.

Speaking of changing, let’s see how Vicki has changed her face this week?

As previously mentioned, MisRed has been rewatching RHOC and there was a “news” item recently that relates back to some of the earlier episodes and speaks to the mother/daughter dynamic of Vicki and Briana.   Of Briana, Vicki keeps saying stuff like “You came from me, so you are mine.”  In Season 6, Briana goes to Las Vegas, cuts loose and gets wasted, before she left she said something like “Your life is my life because I created you.”  Very bizarre and I see in this “news” item, Vicki says something similar.  The author comments that Vicki is joking, but you KNOW Vicki is not joking.

Vicki and her God Complex

Where did we leave off?   Kelly and Vicki made up, but Kelly is still hurt by Vicki’s betrayal in setting Psycho Mike up with another woman. And Vicki still maintains that she did nothing wrong.  So, yeah, progress.

Gina offended Vicki, and Gina offended us with her bad taste in house decor.  Tamra is worried about Eddie’s heart, but still left him to go break her foot in Mexico.  Shannon has an opportunity with QVC if she can stop thinking about David.David!David? and his girlfriend who is 20 years younger.  And Emily is an attorney married to a Turtle who can’t pass the California bar exam.

The episode opens with Kelly and Shannon in a car together- but whose car?  There are child car seats in the back.  Weird.  Maybe it’s some kind of family-friendly Uber because it doesn’t necessarily look like Kelly is driving.

Emily calls Tamra to invite her to a dinner / poker party at her home.

It’s my Dad.  He’s pecking at the window.

Over at Coto Insurance, there is bird tapping on Vicki’s window and she’s convinced it’s the spirit of her dead father because that’s what her Mahhhaaaaaaammmmmmmm, who Shannon killed during a Bunco party, told her.

Vicki Face 3.0, Briana and her Mahammmmmmmmmm

Linda, Vicki’s follicly-challenged Office Manager, is like- don’t be ridiculous, the birds fly into the glass because they are stupid, and I find them dead in the street.

Don’t be so stupid, Vicki.

Michael yells in “Mom, you, like, neglect all the scientific reasoning.” Of course, she does, she’s Vicki.  Michael is like- “She only acknowledges the people that agree the bird is a ghost or something.”  Maybe the bird wants to peck Vicki’s eyes out like the rest of us.

Vicki is like “I give him food every day and he won’t go away.”  Um, yeah, Vicki- if you feed them, they hang around.  That bird isn’t stupid.  If he sticks around long enough he can probably get her to buy him a new beak and maybe help cook up a fake cancer scheme.

Also, these people went AWAY from you Vicki- they aren’t coming back tapping on your window!!!

Vicki claims she and her son, Michael, have gotten super close in the past 5 to 10 years.  Oh, that must have been off camera.  And possibly in Vicki’s dreams.

Psst, the letters S O S need to be written larger…

Michael is the vice president of Coto Insurance and he is Vicki’s “legacy plan.”

Just as Sonja is the Family Morgan’s Legacy Plan.

#moneycantbuyyouclass

In Vicki’s talking head she says, “I think he’s so fortunate to work with me because there’s so many people that want to work with me, but I pick him.”

Vicki is the greatest.  Just ask her, she’ll tell you.

Oh Vicki.  Have another 25 martinis.

We flash back to 2007 when Michael was like- Hey, if I can get a yacht by selling insurance, I’ll sell insurance.  Michael never seemed particularly ambitious.

Michael, apparently is going to Europe over the summer with his girlfriend.  And Vicki is like “Oh, oh can I go with you?”  Michael is like- it’s my girlfriend’s 30 birthday, I doubt she wants my mom there.  Yeah, especially YOUR Mom.

Vicki just wants to spend more time with Michael BECAUSE Briana moved away- Vicki refers to it as TOTAL ABANDONMENT.

She says she did everything she could to keep Briana and her family in Orange County- she bought them a house.  Is it the same deal as the Mercedes she “bought” Briana- the one where Briana had to make the payments?   She locked them in the basement, she blackmailed them… She says that working with Michael fills the void but not 100%.  Vicki will never be happy with any arrangement that isn’t the two kids living in her house completely dependent on her and her pulling all of the strings.   And even then unless the kids are sitting around tell Vicki how much they adore her every second, she will make their lives a living hell.

Then she badgers Michael about getting married.  MisRed’s advice to Michael:  RUN.   I’m sure the money is nice but RUN.

Kelly and Shannon go out for drinks in Los Angeles.

Oh, I thought that was my grandma.

There is a young kid at the bar and Kelly thinks he is looking at her.  Uh, he’s probably looking at the cameras and wondering why they are filming two middle-aged broads.

Man, where is my Mom!?!?  I’m going to be late for cheerleading tryouts!!!

Shannon asks Kelly if she feels guilty dating multiple people and Kelly is like- Uh no.  Shannon doesn’t really know if she’s ready to date.  She thinks that a 25-year-old has skeletons in the closet but at her age there would be a whole graveyard in the closet.

Killed by 30 to 40 Negative Skeletons in the closet.

Shannon mentions that she needs to go lingerie shopping because David didn’t care for lingerie.  Yeah, well, not on you Shannon.  Sorry girl. David was NEVER into Shannon. It has nothing to do with her or her body.  Maybe if she wore a teddy made of chips and salsa…

Kelly thinks Shannon is in a funk.  Yes, agreed.   Shannon is still not comfortable with her body and she is not ready to take her clothes off in front of anyone.

OMG Shannon!!!  Shannon looked GREAT in her underwear in that hot tub.  Shannon is putting unrealistic expectations on herself.  At age 53 or whatever she is- she looks great and has nothing to be ashamed of.

Wait, sorry, MisRed must have hit her head or something.  Being nice isn’t in her current recovery program.

Kelly thinks that Shannon just needs to have more confidence in herself.  Shannon says that she was told for so many years that she was selfish and worthless and fat.  Cut to David cutting her down last year in front of her mother and kids.

Pathetic.

Kelly tells her that she is none of those things.

Definitely not worthless.  She’s got that I Magnin money.

Shannon says that she knows she isn’t these things and she starts to cry.  Kelly tells her that she has days when she cries and is depressed, and she’s lonely and there are days when she doesn’t think anyone has her back.  They both say they would like to have a partner.

I’m a lonesome loser too.

Kelly interviews that it looks like she goes out and has a good time, but the reality is she just got out of a 13-year marriage, and she isn’t used to being alone.

Well, yeah, even in that 13 year- marriage she took a break from Psycho Mike and got engaged to some other guy.

They reflect on their friendship a little- they really think they have evolved.  Shannon says that she is really grateful that they are friends.  Kelly is like “Who knew?”

Shannon goes “IT WAS YOU!”

Shannon goes “IT WAS YOU!”  WHOOOOOOO??  They laugh.

Someone really needs to take David out back and just punch him in the face a few times.  MisRed doesn’t really condone violence and it’s rarely the answer- but David Beador is a DICK, and he needs to know what it feels like to be hurt.

What Shannon needs is for some guy to just BANG HER.  MisRed is serious.  She needs some guy to just take her home and f*ck her silly- and then it might set her dials back to zero and give her some confidence.  Is Slade single?  He’s been known to bone a Housewife or two.

Well, at least she isn’t boring us with her kids.

Gina goes antiquing with a friend, Tatiana.

Puppppppy!!!!

OMG… someone smuggled Puppy the Buffalo OUT of Iceland and is selling him at an Antiques Shop??!!?!

Her friend is like “Everything looks really old.”  Great.  Another Rhodes Scholar.

SAVE LUPE

Gina explains that Miss Lupe, her nanny, moved into a new house, so she wants to get her a housewarming gift, but wants “buy something rad and then turn it into something else.”  Read:  Turn it into something NOT RAD. Great.  MisRed is sure Miss Lupe would love a totally rad gift card to Target, so she can get something she might need as opposed to something that Gina makes and probably belongs on RegrETSY.    Judging by Gina’s decorating taste … MisRed thinks the cameras need to capture Miss Lupe’s reaction when she opens this “gift.”  Let’s see how good an actress Miss Lupe is.

Distressed.  Just like Vicki’s face.

Gina finds a “hutch” that she likes.  Not sure if it’s for herself or Miss Lupe.  The hutch looks like it came from the Martha Stewart collection at Kmart.

Tatiana, as it turns out, knows Tamra from CUNT Fitness.  Apparently, Tats works out at Ye Olde CUNT.  She is also from New York, so Gina thinks they have a stronger connection than she does with most other people in the OC.

MisRed saw some people on the old Social Media questioning this, but MisRed does understand it.  MisRed lives in Texas but is from New England and when I meet someone else who lives here- that is a transplant- another fish out of water, if you will, you do feel a connection.  Sometimes it can just be bonding over where in God’s name can I get a decent bagel in this town?  Or it can be something deeper like-how do people here think Papa John’s is good pizza? So, net/net MisRed isn’t going to judge Gina too harshly on this one.

Oh yeah, you blend.

She and Tats try on fur coats and just look ridiculous, but they like that they can be this way with one another and haven’t found a similar connection with anyone else in the OC. They feel like everyone is constantly judging them.  Yeah… it’s not just the people in the OC.

It’s LIPPY

Then in her talking head, Gina launches into some tale about her friend from Long Island who has a really weird vagina.   How she knows it’s weird, MisRed is not sure?  But apparently, she has a beef curtain situation going on.  What’s the point of this?  She says “Can you possibly even imagine if I made fun of Shannon Beador’s vagina, and how that would go over???”

I GROW VAGINAS MISS 30 YEAR OLD.

LOL.  You KNOW at the reunion, this is going to come up and Shannon is going to get her nose all out of joint at Gina implying her vagina is strange in any way.

Gina and Tatiana talk about Vicki.  Gina understands Vicki might not like the fact that she is super opinionated.  Well, if you had been on Vicki’s side, she would have bought you a new set of teeth, but as it turns out you weren’t, HENCE the issue.  But Gina thinks they have worked it out.   Tee hee. Poor Gina.  So new, so dumb.

Shannon goes to California Home Fitness to buy some type of exercise machine.  Shannon doesn’t like going to the gym, she just wants to have some type of equipment in her home.   We learn that David took the stationary bike he gave Shannon for her birthday.  Classy guy.  Too bad he didn’t leave with it shoved up his ass.

DISENGAGE!  DISENGAGE!

Shannon was fine with it because she hated the bike anyway.  It hurt her vagina.  Hmmm, maybe Gina has a point.

Tamra rolls up on her scooter.  She is going to help Shannon pick out some equipment.  Tamra interviews that she asked Shannon what her fitness goals are, and Shannon couldn’t answer her.  Well, yeah, Tamra, I mean, she wants to lose weight and be comfortable and confident with her body.  That’s her goal.  Not everyone wants to starve themselves and strut around in hooker heels trying to win a fitness competition that was probably rigged in the first place.

Picture Shannon doing THIS everyday.

Shannon tries out some of the equipment and it’s ridiculous as Shannon is the least athletic human alive.  Tamra maintains that she “is there to support Shannon in her fitness goals, but she’s buying equipment she’s never gonna use.”  Way to lend support there, Tammy Sue.   “She can come to CUT Fitness and use all of our equipment for free.”

What does that say about CUT?  Shannon can go there FO FREE and she STILL doesn’t want to go there.

Tamra and Shannon sit and chat.  Tamra says she is surprised that Shannon is up and around today, based on what she saw on social media the evening before.  Shannon was off in LA with Kelly and apparently Kelly posted a video or something.   Shannon says she feels she really connected with Kelly because they are going through a lot of the same things- and they have bonded.

Tamra says that maybe she feels jealous of Shannon’s relationship with Kelly.  Cut to her talking head and she’s like “I break my foot and Eddie’s heart isn’t getting any better.  I’ve been there for Shannon during this divorce and now she’s going out and partying with Kelly and I’m like ‘What about me?’”

Poor Tamra the focus isn’t on her for one second.

She tells Shannon that she used to call Tamra 100 times a day and Tamra would listen to her cry and complain about David- and now she never calls her.

Well yes, Shannon’s life should be all about Tamra, right?

Then she says, “Shannon really has a habit of focusing just on herself.”   LOL.  Show me a housewife on any of these shows who doesn’t focus on themselves?

We jump to 3 weeks earlier, Tamra and Shannon are talking about Vicki and Tamra saying how Vicki is “trying.”  And that Vicki called Tamra to see how Eddie was doing after surgery and Tamra says “You didn’t call me.”

I may have been feeling things that day. 

Shannon replies that she is sorry and it might have been an emotional day.   Tamra asks Shannon if she hates Eddie now?  Shannon is like- of course not. Shame on Shannon, she should have called, emotional day or not.

Tamra says that she picks up the phone at all hours for Shannon and listens to her cry, but Shannon couldn’t pick up the phone to call and see how Eddie was doing?  And Tamra believes it’s because Eddie and David have remained friends.

Tamra chastises Shannon for going out with Kelly and getting drunk and posting it on social media.  She says, “It wasn’t a good choice.”   Shannon interviews that it was ONE night- it’s not like she does that every night.

Hi Pot, this is kettle.

Oh well, Miss Tamra the Faultless, let’s review some of YOUR good choices:

• Filming while naked in a bathtub with Eddie when you were first dating and still married to Simon (technically).

• Conspiring to get Gretchen “naked wasted” and then allowing Ryan to creep on her.
• Body shots, while in a bikini, on a bar in Mexico.
• Bragging about 5-hour sex sessions with Eddie.
• She thought Brooks was a good guy (at first).
• Flashing her breasts multiple times on camera.
• Accusing Gretchen of being a gold digger and questioning her motives with Jeff.

• Breaking her foot, while drunk, jumping, naked, into a hot tub in Mexico.
• Hitting Kelly in Ireland.
• Hitting Jeana in the face with a “cyst and decease” letter, then saying Jeans pushed her and tried to throw her into the pool.

• Put Brooks’s hand on her boob when she was jealous over Vicki and Eddie getting along on a trip to Catalina Island.
• Many of these things while supposedly being a “Good Christian.”
• Oh, and completely disregarding your daughter’s feelings and speaking and posting about her on social media.

You know, just to name the few MisRed can recall off the top of her head.

Let’s check in at Camp Boring, shall we?  Emily arrives home with the feral child who has a papercut.  Peggy Tanous would have had the kid rushed to the hospital via ambulance.   It’s the day of The Poker Party.

Emily is a party planner in addition to being an attorney.  Did you guys know that Emily was an attorney?

We learn that Turtle’s sister lives across the street and is helping with the party.  Oh, they have a chocolate fountain.  How very 2006 of them.

Kelly arrives at Shannon’s house to pick her up to go to the poker party.  ARCHIE!!!

Whosagoodboy?

Shannon struts down the stairs in a poker-themed suit.

Liquor in the front. Poker in the rear.

You gotta hand it to Shannon- she really loves a THEME and she goes all out.  MisRed loves people like that.

Shannon and Kelly arrive at Emily’s house.  Shannon is feeling lucky in her lucky suit.   Emily credits her sister in law with doing most of the work for the party.

Tell me about it, stud.

Pary, Turtle’s mother, having just finished appearing as Sandy in the Senior Center Production of Grease, arrives for the party.  She is so teeny- Emily looks like Gigantor next to her.

Gina arrives with Tamra and her scooter.  She interviews, “Not sure what to call that green mess.  But it’s Shannon.”

Okay, everyone now has the picture, right?  It’s Tamra turning on Shannon this year.  Everybody on board?

The ladies sit down for dinner, but Vicki has not yet arrived.  But they decide to start without her.  GOOD.  I hate when people are late.

Vicki shows up sometimes later.  I’m sure Vicki was “working,” and is ready to shame anyone who doesn’t work.  Well except Kelly.  For some reason Kelly never got the “lazy” accusations like everyone else.  Probably because Kelly was Vicki’s only friend for a few years there.

The food looks delicious.  Light as air. 

Gina is impressed with Emily’s party planning skills.

Kelly announces that a guy from the Houston Rockets asked her out.  A player? A towel boy?  A valet?  We don’t know.  Pary asks Kelly if she has a boyfriend now and Kelly says that she has a bunch of boyfriends.

Pary: Tiny Persian Yoda

Pary is like- “A bunch means nobody.”  Word.   Kelly laughs at that.  Kelly says that all of these men that like her are gross.

Apparently, the Doctor from last week’s episode didn’t work out because, while shopping together, Kelly picked out a pair of sunglasses and the guy chose the same sunglasses and didn’t buy Kelly’s pair for her.

Kelly interviews “I bought him a $700 dinner.  And he makes me buy my own sunglasses? That’s low budget sh*t and I don’t subscribe to that.  I don’t do cheap.”

Okay, Girl, why are you buying him a $700 dinner?  MisRed has had her share of fine dining and $700 for dinner is bananas, but it can happen, if you get seafood and wine.  If it’s your turn to pay, you don’t go someplace FANCY!!  Duh. You go to, like, Chili’s or something.  Don’t be dumb.

The girls talk about how the guy was too old for Kelly, but Kelly says he’s had scrotox.  Ew.  For those who don’t know what that is, it’s Botox in your scrotum.  Tamra asks if Kelly would ever consider getting back together with Michael?  She’s says no, but she definitely didn’t think dating would be so hard and how slim the pickings are.  Pary asks if Michael is seeing anyone now and Kelly is like “Yeah, SHE set him up with someone” pointing to Vicki.

Reading Pary’s thoughts:  Her? This Rubber-faced freak right here? 

I’m just going to have a bite of this salmon…

Of course, Vick is pissed that they are discussing this topic again and wants to just drop it.

Lest you forget, I’m the only one permitted to hold grudges.

Vicki thinks that Kelly should take it up with Michael.  UGH.  Vicki still takes no responsibility or even SEES that she did anything wrong.

Gina interviews that she’s beginning to think that this is the way relationships are in Orange County.  Where she’s from, when a friend wrongs another friend, that friend who did the wrong-doing REALLY makes the offended friend KNOW and FEEL that she is truly sorry for what she did.  That way everyone can move on.

Yes, agreed.  That would be awesome.  But Vicki will never accept responsibility for anything.  E  V  E  R.  Period.  And nobody ever moves on.

Kelly asks Vicki why she is so defensive? And Vicki asks Kelly why SHE is getting so defensive and that Kelly is acting CRAZY.

These two so hate Vicki still. 

Shannon chimes in, god bless her, and is like- “This is where my blood starts to boil.  If I found out that anyone at this table set my husband up with someone I would be LIVID.”

Vicki says “I would never.  Because David was not kind to you.”  Was Michael nice to Kelly?  Well, I mean, they weren’t very nice to each other.

Shannon interviews that Vicki just doesn’t get it.  When you feel betrayed by a friend, you can’t just snap your fingers and be over it.

Vicki continues that Kelly is crazy and Vicki would never want to hurt her feelings.  The other girls say that Vicki steps in her own sh*t sometimes.

Vicki is a messy, messy person.  With poop on her shoes.

They all really pile on Vicki saying that it’s messed up and you don’t do that to a friend.

Vicki then says, “I would never go on a double date with them.”  Vicki has no ability to tell the truth, it’s insane.

Whaaaaaaaaa!!!!

Kelly gets really upset.  Vicki is like “What? You never f*cked up with me?”  And Kelly is like- no, I haven’t.  Kelly says that Vicki is a constant let-down to her.

Anyone remember Ireland when they couldn’t find an O’Toole, and everyone was ganging up on Kelly on the bus, and Vicki just let it happen and didn’t say one word in Kelly’s defense? Vicki is a piece of sh*t in every sense of the phrase.  She’s disgusting.

Vicki tries to tell Kelly that she has been there for her.  Kelly says, when you have put trust and love into someone and they betray you, it hurts.

Dinner is served.  Shannon announces that she got an on-air date for her prepared meal-line on QVC.  She’s super excited.  Everyone is really happy for Shannon.

How many rhinestones need to die for these hags?

It’s poker time.  The girls have tacky poker visors with their names on them.  More crap for the landfill.  They learn some game and start playing. Gina is getting loud.  Shots are poured, and Gina gets progressively louder with every shot.  Another round of shots comes out, but the girls don’t all do the shot as a shot.  Some of them sip it- like Heather Dubrow would.  Gina calls them “pusses.”

With a capital P!

This, for some reason, is confusing to Tamra, who thinks Gina is so drink she is mispronouncing the word “pussy.”

Tamra Judge, Super Genius

They begin another game of poker and discuss how whoever has had the most Botox is going to have the best “poker face.”  Gina jokes – drunkenly- that she’s over there rocking her own natural face so she’s at a disadvantage.  Of course, everyone is insulted by this comment.   Especially Shannon.  I’m sure Shannon is just pissed because Gina is the same age as David’s new girlfriend.

Gina continues to get louder and louder.  These girls have no idea how to play poker.  Gina keeps shrieking.

The WooHoo Whisperer

Vicki interviews “I don’t know why she has to scream.  Why can’t we all talk in library voices?”  Oh Vicki, you are the last one to talk about making a screeching imbecilic of yourself.  WooHoo, betch.

Tamra, Shannon and Vicki go outside.   Tamra says that they need to talk about the Kelly situation- and that Vicki is coming from a defensive place and she’s saying the wrong things to Kelly.   They want to sit in on Vicki’s apology to make sure Vicki does it correctly.  Well who is going to monitor Tamra and Shannon during this apology tribunal.   Shannon says that Vicki has a unique way of apologizing by NOT apologizing.  The summon Kelly to the stand.

I’m sorry you are still mad.

Kelly, who seems to have grown a Pary out of her side, sits and listens to Vicki’s apology.  They talk, and Vicki promises to call Kelly more.

Vicki says that she always assumes Kelly is busy with her boyfriends.  Kelly then says that Vicki never invites her to her house… like, for Thanksgiving.

WHAT?!?!?

We learn that Vicki invited Michael to her house for Thanksgiving.  Just when you didn’t think Vicki could get more disgusting…

Tamra is like why didn’t you invite her?  Vicki says she doesn’t remember what happened, which is crap.  Michael called Steve and invited himself, Vicki says.  Vicki says that Kelly went to the yacht club with a bunch of people.  Kelly corrects her and says that she went with Jolie.  Where was The Tribble and Kelly’s brother?  Or her Dad?

They all are like- I would have invited you over… but nobody did.

PEOPLE, you need to CHECK ON PEOPLE so they know they are loved and cared for, especially people who don’t have family around.   I can tell you it’s lonely.  MisRed was alone on Xmas last year-  MrRed had gone to England and she was alone in Texas.  I’m generally fine being alone and I was that day also, but it would have been nice to have had someone invite me for dinner or something.  You know, so I wasn’t a complete loser eating a frozen pizza on Christmas.

Tamra, Eddie and Ryan are in the car taking Eddie for another heart procedure.  Eddie seems nervous or something.

Eddie is an odd case who just hasn’t responded to any of the typical A-FIB treatments.  He seems frustrated and almost on the verge of tears.  Tamra says that she prays for Eddie every night and she has a feeling that the procedure will work this time.  She says this situation is testing her faith.  Well, ok.  Yes, you hope prayers are answered but hey, sometimes they aren’t.  It sucks, but it’s the fact.

We check in with Emily and Turtle and their rug rats.  She keeps referring to her 3 kids as Toddlers.  The oldest one is five years old- that is not a toddler. You’d think an attorney would know this.  Wait.  Is Emily an attorney?  Let MisRed review.  Please hold.  Yes.  Yes, she is.

Emily and Turtle discuss Gina and her exceptional loudness the evening before.  The girls were all leaving at 10:11, so yes, late, but it’s not like it was 2am on a Tuesday.

Turtle yelled down the stairs “GET HER OUT.”  What a great host and a good Mormon. Emily tries to justify Gina’s behavior saying it’s because she’s from New York… Turtle is like “I don’t care where she’s from.  You mean to tell me if I go to New York I’m going to see lots of loud, annoying women?”

Well, yeah, probably.   Emily is like maybe you should stay on the west coast.

Emily interviews that the Turtle is very opinionated all the time.  Wow, and MisRed didn’t think there was a way to like him less.  Emily tells Turtle that Gina texted her and apologized, and said she was sorry- and that she has small children…

Turtle wants to know what having small children has to do with Gina being rude?  Emily says, it’s because Turtle was upset that Gina was being loud on the way out and the feral child was still awake at 10:11pm.   Turtle says that she was loud and obnoxious and drunken.   Emily clarifies that Gina said would like to apologize to Turtle, and Turtle says she is welcome to apologize to him.  That’s big of him.

Great. The audience is going to LOVE you.

Then he says “Loud groups of women is not my cup of tea.  Particularly, loud, cackling, older women.”  Emily tells him to be careful.

Yes, Turtle, be careful.  Anyone getting a Jim Bellino vibe from this jackass?

Gross vs Gross

He’s the Non-Chin.

Back with Eddie and Tamra, the heart procedure didn’t work again.  They want to administer a medication to Eddie, but he has to go into the hospital for four days in order to take it, because there is a percentage of chance that Eddie could go into cardiac arrest, so they want him in the hospital in case that happens.  Eddie, wisely, wants a second opinion.  He wants to talk to the original doctor he went to in San Francisco.

Tamra asks Eddie if he’s going to go see the doctor in San Francisco?  Eddie says he’s going to call him and see what he says.  Tamra says that their doctor is the top cardiologist in Orange County.  Then they get into this fight that is odd and MisRed doesn’t really follow.  Oh ok, so I guess Eddie is saying that – maybe- their OC cardiologist doesn’t really specialize in A-Fib?

He’s getting testy with Tamra and is like “Don’t ask me dumb questions.”

Next week, Gina, after discussing the events of Poker Night and her behavior, thinks Turtle owes her an apology.  Next week Shannon has drama with David, so in other words, it’s a Wednesday.

MisRed is already over this season.  Tamra turning on Shannon is sad- but typical of Tamra.  Kelly is finally seeing how low Vicki is and that she’s a bad friend.  Gina is growing on me, like fungus.  Emily is boring.  Turtle is gross.   We need more Pary.  What do you guys think of the season so far?  MisRed loves your thoughts and comments- they make my day. xo

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Hi, Trashies! It’s week two of Bachelor in Paradise. Are you ready to spend more time watching Not Raven obsess over Colton as Chris totally fails at his redemption tour? I know I am!

We start this episode with the “Goose Gang” (that will never not be cringy to me) ready to confront Colton for stringing Not Raven along. You know, I’d have far more respect for Chris if he just said, “I’m pissed that this girl likes him better than she likes me.” At least that would be honest. While that’s all going on, Not Raven is telling everyone else about how giddy she is about her date with Colton. Anyway, the guys are all telling Colton that he can’t be interested in Not Ravel while still exploring other options. I’m pretty sure he can. That’s the whole point of this show. Also, it’s not anything that isn’t normal for early stages of dating.

It makes me kind of sad I’m defending Colton here.

This really doesn’t make sense at all. It’s perfectly fine for Colton to not be 100% sure about Not Raven after all of two dates. Remember when Chris said that he really was just a good guy? My God, this man is insufferable. Please get off my TV, Chris.

My advice for Chris.

Somehow, it gets worse. I’m just going to write here exactly what Chris says while we watch him do some martial arts moves on the beach:

The goose is one of a kind, and he is I, and I am him. Goose is here, baby. Got the short shorts going, got the headband on like the Karate Kid sweeping all these ladies off their feet. 

The fuck does any of this even mean?!

A date card arrives and it’s for Kenny! That makes me happy. I want him to be happy. He’s just delightful! Unfortunately, he decides to take Krystal. Dammit, Kenny! Also, Krystal’s “hurt foot” just reminds me of this:

She’s barely a step above burning her foot on a George Foreman Grill.

Of course, David has to talk to Annaliese so that he can throw Jordan under the bus. Look, I’m not a Jordan fan. He feels like a joke that gets repeated one too many times and now it’s just stale. However, I’m just over David being a tattletale. Both of these guys are fucking terrible. David’s ploy doesn’t work, because Annaliese goes to a dinner that Jordan has set up for her.

By “dinner,” I mean “two glasses of champagne.”

Things get really awesome really quickly because…

YUKI IS BACK!!!!

OK, so I’ve read a lot of things where people feel like Yuki is here just to have the audience laugh at a stereotype. I’ve never gotten that sense. Watching clips of her from her original season in Japan, it seems like this is just her personality. Also, it never seemed like everyone else was laughing at her (at least from what we’d see). I always got the sense that she’s a delightful ball of energy and makes everyone around her ridiculously happy. I desperately want to be friends with her.

Oh, right, a date is going on. It’s a wrestling date because, well, Kenny is involved so it has to be a wrestling date. It’s all super staged, but I’m not mad because we get to see Kenny take his shirt off and wrestle.

Yes, I’m shameless in my love for this man.

Physical attractiveness aside, there’s something really awesome about watching someone talk about their passion. Seeing Kenny talk about wrestling and just really get into it is adorable. Unfortunately, Kevin is a bit sad that Krystal is out with pretty much the most beautiful man on this show. I told you, I’m shameless. I’m kind of sad that Kenny talks about him telling off Racist E. Lee as a “moment of weakness” that he hopes Krystal can forgive him for. Yeah, I don’t think you need forgiveness for telling off a racist piece of shit. OK, Kenny’s line before he kisses Krystal is a little cringy, so I’m going to choose to ignore it.

Meanwhile, Kevin is getting over Krystal pretty easily as he makes out with Astrid. I can’t stop staring at Kevin’s massive teeth.

How do they fit in his head?!

Since we can’t go more than 20 minutes without discussing Not Raven and Colton, let’s get to it! The ladies are asking Not Raven about the date while Colton is hanging out with Angela (there’s someone named Angela here?). I’m not sure why everyone keeps saying that Colton has to be either all in or all out when it comes to Not Raven. They’re not officially together or anything like that. They went on two dates. Sometimes people date casually.

So let’s cut to the cocktail party so we can finally get to a rose ceremony! The guys are in desperation mode as they try to talk to as may ladies as possible in order to get a rose. Chris Harrison is so dramatic. He actually says, “Guys, do you want to go home, or do you want to fight for your life here?” I mean, are those the only two options? I feel like there needs to be some middle ground.

So, this is where all the Colton and Not Raven drama comes to a head after a few boring segments of the more solid couples and Nick being awkward with Chelsea. I’m kid of jealous of Kendall. She gets to choose between Venmo John and Grocery Joe. This woman is living the dream! Anyway, the Colton/Not Raven conversation is so stupid. Seriously, it should have gone like this:
Not Raven: So, you wanna date me exclusively?
Colton: Nah.
Not Raven: OK.

I 100% stopped feeling bad for Not Raven during this conversation. Colton is honest with her and says, “Look, I’d love to see where it goes with us, but I’m not ready to just focus on one person. I’d love to meet a lot of people while we’re here.” It’s fine for her to not be OK with that, but then she has to just walk away. Not Raven’s line about no one else wanting to give Colton a rose just comes off as manipulative. I never was a huge fan of Not Raven, but now I’m actively wishing she’d just leave already.

OK, let’s move on to getting rid of people! The ladies have the roses.

Krystal gives her rose to Kenny
Astrid gives her rose to Kevin
Not Raven gives her rose to Chris (Ew.)
Kendall gives her rose to Joe
Annaliese gives her rose to Jordan
Nysha gives her rose to Eric
Chelsea gives her rose to David (Have they even spoken to one another for more that a minute or two?)
Angela gives her rose to John (YAY!!! I don’t know who Angela is, but she’s a smart lady.)
Bibiana gives her rose to Colton

Are you kidding me? Come on, Bibiana. I thought you were better than this! You literally said that Colton should leave! You could have kept Wills!

I just want one half of Colton and Not Raven to leave so I don’t have to deal with all of the bullshit. We spent a lot of time talking about them during Becca’s season and now we have to talk about them more. I really fucking hate the producers right now.

The next day, we’re still talking about it all until Chris Harrison shows up with an announcement that someone will be arriving only to talk to the women. Yeah, it’s just Becca. I can’t deal with how scripted this is. Of course, Becca talks to Not Raven about the whole situation. When Colton realizes it’s Becca, he starts to break down because he’s not over her. I kind of don’t by that.

Not a single tear – just that stupid eye push move people do when they’re pretending to cry.

And the first episode ends as Becca walks in. That’s where we pick up with Tuesday night’s episode. The conversation is nothing all that interesting. Colton admits that he’s not over Becca, but this conversation magically gives him closure for some reason. As Becca leaves, she says, “I’ll tell Garrett you said hi!” OK, then. Oh, and I can’t stop laughing at, “I’m not Becca’s Colton. I’m not Tia’s Colton. I’m Colton’s Colton.” It’s such an obvious “make me the Bachelor!!!” campaign

My reaction to that line.

So, it’s time for more ladies to arrive. First up, it’s Jenna (Arie). She’s the one we’ve been seeing in all the promos saying, “It’s about to get cocoNUTS!” I hope we can stop playing that now. It’s been getting on my last nerve. She strikes me as someone who is drunk literally all the time. At least, that’s how she acts. Much to Annaliese’s unfortunate surprise, Jordan is immediately taken with our newest arrival and goes on a date with her. Trying to listen to their conversation just makes my brain hurt. Jordan actually says, “I love that you clap your hands when you laugh. My eyes do that when I laugh.” They clap? Do you mean “blink,” Jordan? He also wants someone who understand the “power of the brows.”

Just stop.

While the date (which I’m basically going to ignore because my brain can’t handle Jordan and Jenna talking with one another any longer), Annaliese keeps trying to delude herself into think that Jordan really wants her. I wonder if Chris and his gang will get on his case about going out with more than one woman. Oh, wait, of course not, because Annaliese isn’t anyone that Chris wants to date.

“We have a really strong base.” You sure about that Annaliese?

The last of Annaliese’s hopes are dashed as soon as Jordan walks in with Jenna wearing only her flesh colored bikini. To his credit, Jordan goes right to Annaliese to tell her that he’s all in with Jenna. I was all ready to respect Jordan for being honest until he tells Annaliese that he’ll totally pick her of Jenna loses interest. So close, Jordan. So close.

Later, Jenna is sleeping when David shows up to give her a birthday cake (’cause it’s her birthday!). Of course, he’s only doing this to piss of Jordan. It does make for some wonderfully awkward TV.

There are no words for this.

Eventually, David leaves and Jordan throws the cake. Honestly, it was pretty clear that Jenna wasn’t super into David. Just let it go, Jordan. Just let it go. Then there’s a rant about Mr. Rogers and I have no idea what’s going on.

Oh, hey, we have to talk about Colton and his closure again. Did you know that he got closure and that he’s hopeful that he can find love…you know, in a few months with 25-30 women! Meanwhile, Eric is making the moves on Angela (who?). I guess I have to like her a little bit because I trust Eric’s judgment. I mean, he decided to keep the beard that makes him look pretty damn hot.

Annaliese looks like she’s going to break down any moment. 

Of course, more women have to arrive. The first is Caroline. Ugh, she drives me nuts. She just seems to try so damn hard. Her awkward “I’m so nervous what do I do?” schtick when she arrives is just stupid. She decides to take Venmo John out on a date. Meh. I’m glad John is getting attention, but he can do better. Caroline tells us that she usually goes for jocks and her last two boyfriends were Canadian, so John isn’t really her type. It kind of feels like she’s saying, “Yeah, so I only date white guys.”

The date is kind of weird. These two have absolutely not chemistry and Caroline keeps getting distracted by animals. I mean, I love cats a whole hell of a lot, but I can still keep a conversation while they’re around. Somehow, this whole thing ends with a makeout.

How did we get to this point?

The next morning, we have another arrival. AND IT’S JUBILEE (Ben)!!! I’m so happy she’s on my TV again. So is Mr. Philly. He’s got a huge crush on her. I’m so happy that she decides to go on a date with John! I knew he could do better than Caroline. Honestly, I believe this pairing so much more. Their date just seems really natural. They bond over their mutual nerdiness, and Jubilee is all of her when she asks John, “What are you doing here?” The girl is totally smitten.

Same, girl. Same.

I do laugh a bit when Jubilee says she’s such a nerd because she was in the orchestra until her sophomore year in high school. Girl, everyone does that! I was in the marching band from 8th grade until I graduated from college. I spent literally 1/3 of my entire life in the marching band!

Later, we have to let Kenny get dumped. He sets up a romantic moment for Krystal. When he tells her that he really likes her, she simply says, “Thanks for sharing.” Then she tells him that she’s not interested in him romantically. I feel bad for Kenny, but I can’t be mad. Sometimes you’re just not feeling it. Krystal says that she wants to take things slower and build a friendship first before jumping into this. I give her credit for turning Kenny down instead of playing up a connection just to get a rose, but we’ll find out that her reason is pure bullshit momentarily.

While that’s going, Not Raven is putting all her eggs in Chris’ basket. He tells her not to worry about any other girls because he likes her a lot. Well, he says that with the word “like” thrown in there a lot more. Let’s move away from that so we can watch Kenny and Eric talk about cheese. The sad thing is, I know exactly what book they’re referencing as they talk about this.

I’ve had this book mentioned at nearly every job I’ve ever had.

So, Krystal decides to talk to Chris because she has been interested in him from the beginning. Before more than a few words are exchanged, Chris flat out says, “I’m definitely not in a relationship at all.” Shocker. Chris is still a douchebag. His pickup line is, “I’ve never kissed a blonde.” Fucking gross. Can we just agree as a whole that Chris should never be on TV ever again.

The next morning, Chris is telling all the guys about his time with Krystal. He reiterates his pickup line and Jordan makes this face:

If Jordan thinks you said something stupid, you need to reevaluate your entire life.

And this is where Colton decides to tell Not Raven all about Chris’ making out with Krystal. I’m not sure that Not Raven gets to be mad here when we all know that she’d drop Chris in a heartbeat if Colton wanted her. Hell, she did that just for a date! Oh, gross. Chris and Jordan are figuring out a way to have all the girls be a four course meal. That’s so fucking disgusting. I can’t deal with them at this point. Just go away.

Anyway, we end with Not Raven walking up to confront Chris.

So, yeah. The drama this season is a special level of disgusting. Can we please get rid of Jordan and Chris and just have normal crying drama?

Until next week, Trashies!

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Previously, Dorinda helped Luann get Cabaret Costumes FO FREE.

But can you get them to give them to me for free, Dorinda?

Dorinda and Luann fought and made up, but Dorinda still thinks Lu owes her an apology.  Sonja has been sucking Bethenny’s ass all season.  Tinsley moved into the penthouse in hopes of living with Scott.  Lu was in the clink for being drunk and disorderly and assaulting a cop.

Yes, I did threaten to kill them all, and I’ll do the same to you Judge Judy. 

Two topics of note –  first, the elephant in the room- the death of Bethenny’s boyfriend, Dennis.  Obviously, this is very sad for Dennis’s wife, children and family- and of course, Bethenny must be devastated.  Now there is news that Jason is now accusing Bethenny of “dangerous parenting” and, reportedly, requesting Bethenny be drug tested.  I don’t want to comment too much on this as MisRed is reading the same stuff you guys are.  MisRed has mixed feelings Bethenny, but this woman does not need any more emotional scars.  But hey, at least she secured her storyline for next year.

Lu, the innocent victim, in white.

Second topic, Luann’s post-4-day-rehab-stint-interview with Megyn Kelly… not much to report, it was, basically, 9 minutes of nothing new.  Interesting that Miss Andy was passed over in favor of Megyn Kelly?  Andy IS on vacation this week, but MisRed is wondering if Lu doesn’t think she’s too big for Andy?

We open at rehearsal of Lu’s cabaret act.   Wow, work must be scarce for Matt Damon.

I can scrape together rent money strumming for The Countess

Lu is getting nervous for her performance but she’s excited.  Ben and she discuss how Lu needs to learn the names of her friends in #CountessandFriends.  These friends must be really close if she doesn’t know their names.

At least Lu isn’t wasting money on a graphic designer.

Ben asks if they “Need to deal with Sonja?”  Lu tells Ben that she did explain to Sonja that her elderly mother is going to be there, and her children and Lu doesn’t want to have to be Sonja’s “snatch guard.”

Yeah, Lu is going to have enough to do, you know, actually attempting to “sing.”  You can get anything in New York- I’m sure you can hire a snatch guard for a few hours.  Just look on TaskRabbit.com.

Sonja meets Ramona at a nail salon.  Sonja says that “Taking on this cabaret has been EXHAUSTING for me.”   What, exactly, is Sonja exhausted from?  Not learning her lines and her cues? Also, what else does Sonja have to do?  Shoving fans behind garbage cans can’t take THAT much time.   Sonja interviews that she knows she can “wing this” and she’s done it before.  Yes, she has.  And it was a disaster.  But Sonja says, “The real diva tonight is: Luann.”  Well yes, her name is on the Marquee.  Ramona asks Sonja if she’s going to show off her ass at the show.

Bahaha.  Ramona asks it like it’s the most normal thing in the world.  Almost like “are you wearing your leather jacket tonight?”

Sonja reveals that Lu called her and told her that- in light of the guest list, that Sonja should keep covered and not show her “T&A.”  Sonja doesn’t understand “What’s cabaret without T&A?  People are coming to see Sonja Morgan, they expect, that’s my shtick. That’s what they think of when they think of me.  Synonymous.  I was thinking, if my kid were coming, would I do it?  Yeah.”

Ladies and Gentlemen, Sonja Morgan: Legacy.  Anyone know if Sonja’s parents are still alive?  Did they die of embarrassment?

Bethenny, joyful, as always.

We join Bethenny, at her apartment, in her Glam Room as she gets make-up applied and hair extensions inserted.  Inserted? Is that what happens with hair extensions?  MisRed has no clue.  If it doesn’t happen a Costco, MisRed doesn’t know about it.  Bethenny originally thought Lu’s Cabaret was going to be a joke – but it’s not.  It’s actually happening.

Bahahahahahahahaha!

I mean, it’s still a joke that everyone, except Luann, is in on, but MisRed digresses.

The hair stylist- obviously provided with strategic talking points by Bethenny- asks “Is Carole going to be there?”  Bethenny offers an unrequested explanation of their current friendship status.  That Carole isn’t into Bethenny because Bethenny is toxic and Bethenny isn’t into Carole because she has changed and has become superficial.

Have we ever seen Carole with a glam squad?

She says this as she’s having 7 pounds of make-up applied and hair extensions stapled in.  Well it’s a good thing Bethenny has a mirror RIGHT in front of her… I’m sure she will see the irony.  Not.

Yasssss!  Lu is giving FULL Sacha Baron Cohen

Luann is having her makeup done and wig teased, Ictoria materializes from the dust bunnies behind a garbage can, to bring her mother flowers.  MisRed instantly begins to itch.  Ictoria has a faux sheepskin collar on her leather coat which you KNOW is infested with lice.

Money CAN buy you soap.

You know how protesters throw paint on people wearing fur?  Can someone throw some soapy water on Ictoria? Lu is getting nervous for her performance.

She leaves her apartment in FULL DRAG.  Seriously, most performers go to the theater in “street clothes.”  Lu is in Street Meat Clothes, complete with a short-sleeved white monkey fur bolero.

Subtle.

She must have gotten a 2 for 1 deal with the purple one from last week.

At Tinsley’s Penthouse, she says she LOVES to entertain… with cheese platters she’s ordered from room service.

Who wore it better?

Dorinda shows up, channeling MisRed’s doppleganger- ENDORA.  She is wearing a sequined jumpsuit and MisRed is digging it.  The Blue Eye Shadow is a little much.  A little Mimi from Drew Carey, but whatever- it’s a look.

Dorinda asks after Scott, who is not in town.

Tinsley in PANTS!!!

Tinsley offers Dorinda a drink and when Dorinda says she will have champagne, Tinsley makes Dorinda open it.  Really?  Tinsley is a socialite- don’t they teach you how to pop bottles in Socialite School?

Dorinda is more than happy to open the champs- as she was a waitress for a LONG time.  Dorinda puts on a little show for Tinsley and shows her how to open a bottle of champagne.

Coffee, Tea or Me?

She pretends she’s waiting on a table and making small talk with the invisible people.  See, THIS is the Dorinda that MisRed loves.  The pre-slur.

Tinsley then hits the button to launch the nuclear warhead, “Is John coming?”  Dorinda explains that he was not invited.  Tinsley says, “But what about afterwards?”

I roll my own.

Dorinda says that isn’t how she rolls.   And that after six years together, that it would have been a nice gesture to invite him.  Tinsley says that Scott was always going to be out of town that weekend, so it wasn’t an issue.

In her talking head, Tinsley says that Luann had randomly invited Scott that very day.  Tinsley is unsure if she is going to tell Dorinda- she is unsure why Scott would be invited, and John wouldn’t be.

Carole arrives, also in sequins, “What else do you wear to a Cabaret show starring the Countess de Lesseps…and friends?”

Dorinda’s stripes are going in the wrong direction for Lu’s history. 

Orange jumpsuit?  Leg Shackles?  Just a few OTHER ideas that none of these betches has the balls to pull off.

Bambi’s Plea

Dorinda tells Carole that John isn’t coming.  Carole is like- You should call Luann and make sure that’s correct.  Dorinda says that she DID call Luann, and Luann said that Dorinda “should have asked me months ago.  If you really wanted him to come, you should have bought a ticket.”

Oh Lu.  As if anyone is, actually, buying tickets.  Honey, don’t be ridiculous.

Tinsley and Carole agree that this is RUDE.

Then Carole gets out her dual-use bone.  The REALLY big one.

The one she can stir the pot with and then pass onto Dorinda to chew on the rest of the evening.  “I thought you got all of her outfits for her.”

Oh yeah!!! How could we forget? 

Tinsley is like- Oh yeah!!!  Dorinda says it was thousands of dollars in free outfits.

Dorinda interviews that she thinks this is Lu’s way of punishing Dorinda for what happened in Cartagena.  Maybe.  She says John has always been nice to Luann- on many different occasions, and that it’s rude that he’s not invited, especially considering what good friends she and Luann are supposed to be.   I wonder what these “many different occasions” might be?  And how much of the Colombian BamBam was involved?

MisRed has a few thoughts.  A) Yes, it’s Rude.  Especially coming from someone who is the self-appointed authority on class and manners.  If Dorinda had just started dating John, okay- no invite, that’s understandable.  If John and Lu had some BEEF- ok, no invite.  Although I’m sure John is somewhere, right now, eating some beef.  B) Lu could have tossed out the blanket excuse- I didn’t ask anyone to bring a date.  Or.  OR- most of the other girls don’t have boyfriends, so we are going to make it a GIRLS NIGHT. C) Lu could have said to Dorinda “Hey, Tinsley doesn’t get to spend a lot of time with Scott, if he happens to be in town for the weekend, I’d like to invite him.  But John can still dry clean my costumes if he does it gratis.”   D) Lu could have said “It’s a super small venue, I am really tight on tickets- please invite John to come to the after party**.

**Which I THINK may have actually happened because, earlier Dorinda says (after Tinsley suggested that surely (and don’t call me Shirley) John could come to the after party) “That’s not how I roll.”    Plus, later, Lu says some stuff that makes me believe that Dorinda might not be telling the whole truth.

In her dressing room, Luann, who truly believes she is a talented performer, is chanting.  It could be doing vocal warm-ups but it’s hard to warm up a gravel driveway, you know?  Plus, my closed captioning said [CHANTING].   Lu tells us that earlier in the day, Dorinda started texting her about why John wasn’t invited to the show?

In Lu’s interview she says that she told Dorinda, “He’s always welcome, you only had to ask me, but you didn’t, did you?”Okay, MisRed calls BS.  If John was WELCOME, he would have been invited.  ALSO, it’s an awkward position to put Dorinda in- you extend an invite and then she has to ask if her boyfriend can come?

The girls begin to arrive at the show.  Tinsley thinks it’s amazing how quickly Luann turned her life around.  ????  From being a Countess to a drunk with a record?  Well, it’s been a few years- she’s taken her time, really.

I love how people act like Luann was kidnapped and was sold into sex trafficking, only to escape and live on the streets of Guadalajara, in a cardboard box, with her faithful monkey, Jacques, whom she, affectionately, calls “Bananas,” only to hop an intermodal freight train that got her just over the border into Texas, where she scraped together enough money, selling fireworks on the side of the road, to get money for a bus ticket to New York, where discovered by Simon Cowell, who heard her singing the score to “Oliver,” while scrubbing toilets at Port Authority, whisked her away to Lucky Cheng’s, only to discover she is anatomically female, then not knowing what to do with her, sent her to Ben for a little My Fair Lady make-over and is now staring on Broadway and is the toast of New York City…

When in actuality, Luann has just made a series of bad choices and when forced to pay the consequences to these bad choices ran to rehab to make herself look good in the eyes of the court to get her charges lessened/dropped.  Then, when the sh*t hit the fan with her kids and ex-husband, ran BACK to rehab to avoid having to address the situation at the Reunion.  Not for nothing, the whole Cabaret thing was in the works BEFORE her arrest- so she is merely fulfilling her commitments- it just so happens that her arrest gives her a little bit of comedic material.

Tinsley goes on to say that she saw Lu’s rehearsal in Columbia and it wasn’t great.  That’s an understatement.

Ramona joins Tinsley, Dorinda and Carole at the show.

Tinsley tells Carole that Lu invited Scott and she was reluctant to tell Dorinda.  Tinsley shows Lu’s text to Carole.  Carole- the pot stirrer- tells Tinsley that it’s better to be transparent and that’s her new motto.  Carole thinks that Luann is not nice for leaving out John.

Sonja arrives and joins the table.  Carole and Dorinda switch places at the table so Tinsley can drop the bomb on Dorinda.  Carole makes small talk with Bethenny and Ramona.  Bethenny brags about her new apartment.

Tinsley breaks the news to Dorinda that Luann invited Scott to the show- THAT DAY.  Dorinda is like – You are kidding?

Whomp Whomp Whomp

Lu’s text came in at 10am inviting Scott.  Dorinda tells the information to Ramona and Bethenny and Bethenny LEAPS to Lu’s defense because, you know, Luann is now Bethenny’s bitch, “Maybe it slipped her mind because of the show!”  Dorinda is like- that’s bullsh*t.  Apparently, the Dorinda / Lu texting happened an hour before the text to Tinsley.

Dorinda is like- I’ve been with John for six years and Lu has met Scott once.  It could, in fact, be a safety hazard.  Scott IS less shiny than John, and with all of these sequins, Lu could blind herself, fall off the stage and hit that big pumpkin head of hers.

Sequins,  A Cautionary Tale.

Ramona then tells Sonja the information and Sonja is like “Dorinda needs to let this go.  This is Luann’s night.”

Okay, I’m not saying I agree with Sonja- because Sonja just kisses whatever ass is in front of her, but I agree that it’s Luann’s night and NONE of this should have been brought up.  Tinsley should have kept the Scott thing to herself – at least for the evening.  I mean, the pile of leaves was already smoldering, it wasn’t necessary to throw the gasoline on at this moment.  BUT either all boyfriends should have been invited or none and an appropriate explanation should have been given by the Cuntess herself.   But all of this could be addressed at another time.

But then again, if this hadn’t happened this episode would have been a snoozer.

Tinsley thinks that Lu has an agenda, a “Stab Agenda.”  Eh, maybe not the exact words MisRed would use.  Bethenny, of course, interviews “Who cares?!?  I don’t think there was like some demonic plot to excommunicate John.  It doesn’t even make sense.”

Well, that’s exactly the issue with this situation Bethenny.  If there was no demonic plot… your words, not MisRed’s, why – if not for the current tiff between Dorinda and Lu or some other demonic situation of which we are not aware in which John, somehow, wronged Luann <coughcoughcutthecokewithbabylaxativecoughcough> <coughcoughALLEDGEDLYcoughcough>,  (Just kidding MisRed is totally making that up.  Pulled it right out of thin air.), why would John be excluded but Scott Included?

And while we are at it… the REAL beef between Luann and Dorinda SHOULD be Dorinda setting Luann up with the Penis Ambassador to The Regency Hotel: Tommy D’ag.

The Diva has spoken

Dorinda READS Lu’s text aloud from 10am: “Not my problem. It’s my big night.  Break a leg would be a better message.  You should have asked sooner if you wanted him to attend.”

Fair enough.  Lu IS putting Dorinda in an awkward situation by making her ask to bring him but to me, it’s an excuse.  If Dorinda had asked weeks earlier, there would have been some other excuse.  And I’m sure John knows some people who could break Lu’s legs if that’s what she’s after.

Bethenny tells her to be the bigger person.  Oh, like Bethenny always is?  Not inviting Ramona to things, attacking John at Dorinda’s bra party, spreading rumors about Adam, not RSVP’ing to events, calling Lu a slut and a snake and calling Sonja a fraud. Well that one is true…

MisRed does not dispute that Dorinda is a nasty drunk.  She has anger issues, coupled with an alcohol issue- and it makes her VERY ugly when she’s in this state.  However, more than any of these people, Dorinda does seem to be- when not wasted- the most supportive, the most caring, the most thoughtful of all of these women.  And when people are like this they tend to get walked on.  Their feelings tend to be forgotten.  “Oh, be the bigger person.”  Yes, she can be but then it’s just excusing the SMALLER person’s behavior.

Well it’s SHOW TIME. The music starts, and Lu enters.  If Dorinda’s looks were capable of knocking someone over… Lu would be in the bushes.  “She’s wearing the dresses I got her.”

How am I doing?  Not well, BITCH.

Oh Jesus, buckle up.

Luann is trying to be cool, not all uncool and she dances across the stage like the whitest woman in history.  Lu talks to the crowd.  She says she “FINALLY made it. After being briefly detained.”

I was trapped in the system.

Cue the rim shot.   She says that she had a list of songs she wanted to perform but had to rethink things- one of the songs was Jailhouse Rock.

Lu’s Mom and Sister

Ramona is in STICHES.  Haw! Haw! Haw!  “She owns it in such a funny way.”  As if Luann wrote ANY of these lines.  She does a few more jail/ drunk jokes.  Then Rachel Dratch- who clearly lost all of her money in some kind of Nigerian Prince Email Scam – joins Lu on stage.  They banter, and Lu tells Rach that since her divorce people don’t think she should be called Countess.  But … wait for it:  LOOK AT QUEEN LATIFAH!!!!  Ugh.  Seriously.  Rach says – Yeah, it’s not as if she’s married to a King!

Rachel, honey, you can do better than that. 

She has Laura Benanti join her on stage- and Tony Yazbeck- who won a Tony.  In fact, he only changed his name to Tony after he won a Tony.  His real name is Sidney.   She also has Andrew Keenan-Bolger and Bridget Everett- who IS hysterical.  Bridget makes Sonja motorboat her.  As if one has to make Sonja do anything.

What we see of Lu’s show is fun and as Bethenny says in her talking head, she’s not taking herself seriously and is making herself the butt of the joke.  Well, onstage, yes.  Off-Stage, you know, she’s trying to get cast in any Broadway Show that will have her.   Lu Miserable? Hamluton? Alludin?  My Fair Lu? The Book of Lumon? The Luon King? Sponge Bob Lu Pants?

Everyone is having a great time.

Finally, Lu asks the audience if they like her outfit?   Dorinda is like “Another outfit I got for her.”  Lu doesn’t give Jovani any credit, she says it’s from her “I lost 10 pounds in rehab collection.”

Dorinda yelling out “Jovani!  Thank you, Jovani!”

Like a dog with a bone.

Lu should have put it in the Playbill- Costumes furnished by Jovani or been like- do you like this dress?  “Jovani was so kind to provide all of my get-ups for tonight.”  OR SOMETHING.  MisRed even took one for the team and went to Luann’s website and couldn’t see any mention of “Costumes by:” or even any other credit except for Billy Stritch.

Money can’t buy you class, but it can buy you all of THIS CRAP:

#tacky

Bethenny says that Dorinda can’t be reasoned with when she gets herself all worked up like this.  And that she “wastes an awful lot of energy on getting worked up.  And I think Dorinda just likes to fight.”  Bahahahaha. Where’s that mirror, Bethenny?  Take a peek, honey.

Luann really is something.  It’s amazing her head fit through the stage door.  Lu hears Dorinda yelling “JOVANI!”  In her talking head she says “Yeah, you gave me a showroom to go to and the dresses fit me like a glove.  Don’t throw your jealous energy up here on stage with me! No, no girlfriend.  I got this.”

And then Lu- uh- shimmies in her talking head.

Oh dear.

Well that image is burned into MisRed’s retinas.  And another thing- SHUT UP!

Using Vicki Gunvalson logic, Lu wouldn’t even BE here without Dorinda.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING ON THAT STAGE WITHOUT DORINDA?

If Dorinda hadn’t introduced Lu to Tommy D’ag, she never would have rushed into a doomed marriage and gotten divorced 13 days later.  Lu never would have bobbed up to the top of the newsfeed with her quickie divorce, and she never would have been offered the Cabaret.   Which led to her drunken arrest and rehab, the major plotline for this act.

 
Shocking.

Lu then introduces Sonja and they sing “Money Can’t Buy You Class” with the Beat Boxer, and then… of course you know what happens next, Sonja unties her dress and flashes the audience.

Sonja interviews to “Give me a little credit, all of my dresses are trained to come off after 11:00.”

Yes, Sonja, yes.  You are a messy, pathetic skank. Congratulations, point proven.  So repulsive.  And GROSS after Luann SPOKE to her about the specific thing. Thankfully, Lu takes it in stride, I mean, what else is she going to do?

Renee is SO HERE for the T&A

“Luann is owning the stage like I’ve never seen her own anything.”  Ramona says.  Of course, Lu only owns things because of The Count.

#truth

Carole says she loves the Cabaret- “Does Lu sing off-key?  Yes, she does.  But it almost doesn’t matter. Luann has found her sweet spot.”   Yes, a woman channeling a Dude playing a Drag Queen.

Luann says she feels like she climbed Mount Everest.  “Feels good to be at the top instead of at the bottom with shackles on my ankles.”

PUHLEEEEEEZE!

Yes, when Lu was caught up in the system for 3 whole hours.  She’s a regular West Memphis 3.

We move to the after party at the Viceroy and the girls all arrive, and the place is crawling with desperate-looking dudes.  Well, they came to the right place- Sonja, Ramona and Lu will all be there.  Lu wants to ride the Street Meat Train all the way DOWNTOWN.  The Local.

Carole has a bouquet of flowers in her arms.  She says that some guy gave them to her at the show.  Sonja tells her to “Give them to Lu- we forgot to get her flowers.  Usually Dorinda brings a gift.”   SEE?!?!?  Put it all on the one who is always the most considerate, when she hasn’t drunk a trough of vodka sodas.   Carole is like- yeah well, Dorinda isn’t too happy with Lu these days.

Oh, gotta go, that penis is from out of town.

Then Sonja spots a penis and is like Carole who?

Later, Bethenny and Sonja chat and Bethenny said she really enjoyed the show. “Like, I was actually trying to watch.”  They talk about Dorinda and “Jovani.”  Bethenny thinks Dorinda was being ridiculous- which she was- “She doesn’t owe her life to you, she wore a goddamned dress.”

Oh yeah, isn’t there some kind of issue between Bethenny and Ramona over a dress?  Hmmm.

I wonder if it hadn’t been Luann, but rather Ramona or Tinsley or Carole.  How awful would Bethenny have thought THEY were for not acknowledging the big favor Dorinda did?

Sonja says “Dorinda is making herself look really bad.  She needs to go away like Luann did.”  How will going to jail solve anything?  OH!  She means rehab.

Dorinda is ready to leave.  Bridget Everett goes up to Dorinda and encourages Dorinda to do a Cabaret act of her own.  Lu would accuse her of stealing her hair and her act.

Bethenny and Carole have a little chat.  It’s a good conversation- light and not crazy, no accusations being thrown.  They talk about Bethenny summering in the Hamptons.  Blah Blah Blah.  Carole interviews that this is the conversation they should have had months ago.

RamonasInteruptus

Ramona comes up.  Bethenny is like “Can I just finish this one thought with her?”  Not totally rude, but of course Ramona already has a bug up her ass with Bethenny regarding her not RSVP’ing to the Ageless party.  Ramona is like- should I come back in 1 minute?  2 minutes?  5 minutes?  Do you want to hear the fish special?

Bethenny is IMMEDIATELY unhinged.  Ramona says “Actually, I have something I’d like to talk to you about.  Give me a time slip.”   Bethenny is like- call my secretary and she’ll give you an appointment.  She’s joking, but it’s a bite.

Ramona is like, well, you know I’ll just do this now.   “I am disappointed you never responded to my invitation to my celebration of my anti-skincare line.”   LOL, I love when Ramona mis-speaks.

Bethenny doesn’t need to explain anything to anyone.

Bethenny could have apologized but she didn’t.  She says “I get that you are disappointed.  Noted.”  Ramona asks why? “I don’t feel the need to give you an explanation.”  Bethenny had ANOTHER opportunity to smooth this over, but she just cannot be nice to Ramona- it’s not possible.  She could have easily said “I apologize that you didn’t get my RSVP.  I had asked “Whassamattah” in my office to send you a note.  It sounds like you didn’t receive it- I will speak to her.  I heard it went well, Congratulations.”  And then Bethenny could have done what she always does- just bash her in her Talking Head, which she did anyway.

Carole is like… Uh, yeah, I gotta go, I think Tinsley’s crinoline is on fire.  And Carole slinks away.

Bethenny says she doesn’t take Ramona seriously, none of her businesses have panned out, and she isn’t successful.  She has a point, but it was still an invitation and for her to NOT RSVP is rude.  I’m sorrrry.  Plus, what skin is it off Bethenny’s back?  She goes to a party for a few hours, gets a few free drinks, maybe some grub and then nobody thinks she’s a horrible, nasty shrew.  Net/Net Bethenny is over Ramona.  She holds a grudge over her stealing that dress from her (unsuccessful) Talk Show and thinks Ramona is ridiculous.  Which she is.  But Bethenny doesn’t need to be a total c*nt 24/7, she could give it a rest.  Maybe take a month off.

Wow.  Not Whoa.

Ramona is like- YOU DON’T SUPPORT OTHER WOMEN!  Wow Bethenny Wow Wow Wow!!! And Ramona STORMS away. Lol.  The look on Ramona’s face was a riot and MisRed wishes she could have gotten a clearly screen-grab.

Carole advises Ramona to just lower her expectations when it comes to Bethenny, and that Ramona would be good to just, you know, see people for who they are.  This way you won’t be always be disappointed.  Probably good advice.

She’s a B I 

And it’s a revelation to Ramona!  Let’s see how long this lasts.

Carole says they should focus on Luann and her sobriety and what she has accomplished- although she’s a little upset with Luann about the Dorinda thing.  But she hopes it’s just a bump in the road.

Luann finally arrives “Always leave people in anticipation, waiting for the STAR to arrive.”  Luann really thinks this is something and that she has some talent.  The next Cabaret would be #DelusionalCountessandFriends

In her talking head, Dorinda says always tries to do the right thing and to be polite and gracious.  Dorinda congratulates Lu.  She knew she just need to that and then she knew that she was free to go.

Bethenny wants to know why Dorinda is so upset over this Jovani thing?  Dorinda says that Lu should be appreciative of Dorinda helping her and getting her these outfits.  Bethenny tells Dorinda that she should just be happy that Luann is wearing the outfits.

Just like I was when Ramona stole my dress.

Uh… no.  I mean, I suppose it COULD be worse- Lu could have taken the outfits and then NOT worn them.  Yes, that would be worse.

Dorinda is like, “Absolutely, then don’t treat me like shit when I want to have my boyfriend here.  Then do the right thing by me too.”   Bethenny asks why she is connecting the dresses with John?  Really Bethenny?  Dorinda says that it’s someone doing someone a favor and then being kind in response.  It’s not that hard to figure out, Bethenny.

Bethenny doesn’t have people in her life – she pushes everyone away so maybe that’s why she wouldn’t see or understand that relationships are give and take.

Luann says, “I’ve arrived.”  Ramona GUSHES over Lu.

Tinsley, Sonja and Bethenny talk about why Lu invited Scott but not John.  Bethenny wants to get to the bottom of the situation, mainly to stir the pot, so she decides to talk to Luann.

The looks on these women’s faces is priceless.

At the other end of the party Sonja explains to Ben, Lu’s producer “I’m not a star, but I knew how to get them crazy. As long as my dress falls off, we’re good.”

Bethenny asks Lu why she didn’t invite John but invited Scott?  Lu says she thought he was coming, but she had an issue with him sitting at the table.  Bethenny was like- Oh, so you told her that he could come?  Lu is like- No, I didn’t because I had no more seats left.

She was just supposed to know. 

In Luann’s Talking Head, she, in FULL DIVA says “I’m going on stage tonight, I don’t have time for this sh*t.”

I still have the runs from Colombia!

Bethenny goes back and relays Lu’s bullsh*t story – that Lu thought that Dorinda was just going to bring him.  Dorinda is like “No.  I only bring people that are invited.”  Dorinda interviews that Lu never said that John could come, and if there was any insinuation, it was MURKY at best.

Welllllll, here we go back to my theory that maybe John was invited to the after party, but Dorinda had her nose out of joint and was like – either he comes to everything or I will deprive you of his shininess for the entire evening.

Lu comes up to the group and says that “It seems heavy over here.”  Jeez, imagine if John had been there.  Dorinda walks away from the group.  Carole explains to Lu that they were trying to figure out why Lu would invite Scott but not John.   Lu is like OMG.

Dorinda gets another drink.  Lu tells the group, “I’m not letting her ruin my night. She ruined her own night. She didn’t invite John.  She never asked me.”  Carole is like- you told her no, that there were no more seats.  Lu goes onto explain that it’s all via text and Dorinda then called Lu and screamed at her, asking her why is she not nice to John?

Dorinda comes back, and Lu is pissed and is like -I’m going to settle this and then enjoy my night.   Dorinda slurs- “No, let’s not talk about it now.  It’s your night, you look beautiful. The dresses are beautiful.  Thank you so much for having me.  Thank you so much for inviting Scott last-minute.”  LOL it’s the most passive aggressive string of compliments EVER uttered.  LOL.

CLIP

Lu is like WOW. Lu wants to clarify, Dorinda doesn’t want it.  Dorinda goes into her whole, pointing / accusation act- which, really could have fit quite nicely into Lu’s act- equally as well as Sonja dress “falling off” in my opinion.   “You aren’t going to lecture me tonight.”  Lu says that it’s not a lecture, they are having a conversation… Dorinda is NOT having it and is like “Thank you so much for having me, thank you for inviting Scott, you look beautiful. Congratulations, my darling.  Fantastic.  Thumbs up.”  And then she walks away.

Bethenny tells Lu to enjoy her night.  Lu is disappointed and interviews “Really girlfriend?”  She expected Dorinda to be so happy for her.  “After what I’ve been through?  Beyond.”

Was Luann enslaved and forced to row on the Mayflower?  On the Titanic when it sank?  In the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory Fire?  Was she on the Hindenburg?

OH, THE LUMANITY!!!

Was she the Lindbergh baby? Did she get a severed finger in her can of Coke?  A rat in her KFC?

What exactly has Lu been through that wasn’t over her own creation and stupid decision making???

Dorinda tells Carole that she’s not going to be humiliated and she doesn’t care about her friendship with Luann and that she has tried hard to do the right thing and if this is how Lu is going to act, she’s done.  She goes to leave, and she slurs to Carole “Stand up for me. Stand up for me.”

Ramona comes up to Lu and Bethenny and says that all of Lu’s outfits were so hot.

Licks her finger and yells “SIZZLE!! SIZZLE!!”

Bethenny hugs Carole and says that they definitely took a left turn.

Not really.

Carole says, “We’ll get it back.”  Bethenny interviews that “the seas were a little rough for me.  But I’m stronger than that.”

Carole says she has no doubt that they will find their sweet spot again.  Yeah, like completely and utterly estranged.  Carole hugs Bethenny and tells her she really cares about her.

Sonja comes up to Lu, who is sitting with her Mom.  Sonja asks Lu’s Mom if she is proud of Lu.  MamaLu is like “I’ll have to learn to sing.”  Yeah, maybe get your daughter some lessons, while you are at it, honey.  Sonja tells her she should get up on stage and they can rig her dress to fall off on cue.

Tinsley tells Lu she has a gift for her.  After all they both went through, she feels like Luann is her “Palm Beach Soul Sister.”   Tinsley interviews that she is so happy, even though her relationship isn’t exactly where she wants it to be- she thinks it’s a great starting point for her future.

Tinsley’s gift, a set of pillows “What happens in Palm Beach…. Stays in Palm Beach.”

Cute.

Lu interviews that “Three months ago, I was at my rock bottom. It took a lot of hard work and introspection into myself to be able to pull myself together for my new career in Cabaret.”

Luann IS the ONLY one who is taking this seriously?

Next week:  The Reunion, Part 1 of 796

Dualing Couches

Bethenny is trying her hardest to channel Meghan Markel with her messy bun.  Andy asks how a grown woman’s poop gets on the floor?  Carole tells Andy that he is “full of sh*t.”  This isn’t exactly news.  Ramona yells at Bethenny, seemingly for having fake breasts.  Bethenny accuses Carole of bashing her in her blogs, Carole says it’s merely holding Bethenny accountable.  Bethenny gets off the couch and into Carole’s face- we assume with some receipts- and yells “Booyah, Bitch.”

Nothing like a phrase from 25 years ago to bring the point home.  WHOA.

MisRed slowly exhales… what a season!  Insane in the membrane, insane in the brain.  HIT IT BOYS!!!

MisRed is going to decompress.  Do you think Dorinda has a right to be mad?  Do you think Lu is acting like a Diva?  Is Ramona going to come out with an Anti Skincare line?  And will it be successful?  As always, MisRed loves your thoughts, comments and for your support all season!  Of course, MisRed will be here for the reunions, but she can also be found with those musty old hags in the OC.

Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!

Howdy, Trashies. Are you ready for this shit?

God, me neither. I can’t believe I signed up for this. But I also can’t believe I wouldn’t. For the uninitiated, Real Housewives of Dallas is one of Bravo’s next-gen Real Housewives iterations, introduced to us three years ago along with Potomac and slowly but surely earning its way into Andy Cohen’s horrid zoo of exotic beasts. Everyone slept on Dallas in its first season – including me – but a few rainy, hungover Saturday afternoons was all it took for someone like me to realize that this show and its horrible, horrible women were a treasure. A dangerous thrill. A treacherous romp through a pure, unadulterated rage, the likes of which hadn’t been seen since Teresa flipped that table all the way back in 2009 and froze our once feeling hearts.

Now, as Housewife mainstays like New Jersey and Atlanta and Beverly Hills start to grow stale, it’s the shameless, nothing-to-lose, so-much-to gain termagants in Texas and Maryland who start to take their place. Whose meme-worthy faces and words and existence take up more and more space in our psyche. Whose brazen whispers behind closed doors (which they very much want us to hear) are heard around the world as loud as sirens. These are the Karen Hugers. These are the LeeAnne Lockens. These are the Housewives for a bolder, crueler, far more ruthless realm.

I couldn’t be prouder to document their crimes for you.

So without further ado, let’s meet them (with this season’s newer, dumber taglines):

Brandi was a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader and will not let you forget it. She’s that enviable mix of sporty but girly, athletic and toned and perky, showing up everywhere with long shiny red hair and a pep in her step that seems to only be aided by the fact that she’s regularly laying her quarterback boyfriend (it’s also probably due to Adderall, which we’ll get to). Last season she struggled with losing a baby and swiftly withering ovaries, which is sad, but happily she also reconciled with her best friend forever for life…

Stephanie and Brandi are basically the same person so there’s not much else I can say about her that hasn’t already been covered with Brandi. Stephanie and Brandi are so close it’s basically part of their character profile, which is both endearing and kind of pathetic, but we’ve never seen two Housewives so intrinsically linked – not even sisters – not even Bethenny and Jill or Sonja and Ramona – so it’s still a novelty. She and Brandi like to joke about dicks and poop, frequently over enough margaritas to put a horse in a coma. They assume this is cute because they are both little women with little mouths and little demure voices. Stephanie is married to a big hulk of chuck meat named Travis, who plows over her at every turn, that is when he’s not plowing into her to create lots more male genetic copies of specimens not unlike himself. Last year Travis bought a house without telling Stephanie and there was nothing she could do about it. The reason he bought it was because there was a pool in the sharp-edged, marble-lined living room, young children be damned. This is both the staggering wealth and stupefying ignorance we’re dealing with, folks.

Cary is gorgeous and good and boring. There’s not much to expand on merely by Cary being the most normal one of the bunch, but that’s a cross one of these women have to bear, I guess. She gets in frequent arguments with both LeeAnne (more on her in a second) and her awful husband, Mark, who owns the plastic surgery clinic that Cary works at. Cary wants to spend more time at home with her daughter (the awfully celebrityish-named Zuri) and Mark acts like that’s akin to killing neighborhood pets. Lord knows why she is married to such a cretin.

D’Andra is a human version of those stark makeup diagrams you get at the L’Oreal counter in a 1990s department store. You know:

… but I can hardly blame her, considering this is her mom:

D’Andra is childless, but that’s understandable when you know the kind of exhausting, fettered indentured relationship she endures with her mother Dee, the owner of a QVC-friendly company that sells the same kind of cursed shit she slathers on her face every day. D’Andra is the most neutral woman of the cast, being the only one who will tolerate the show’s standout villain, LeeAnne. She’s married to a boring loaf of bread named Jeremy and feigns some sort of maternal instinct by complaining about his freeloading son all the time.

This. Bitch. I refuse to call her by her name. She will forever be This Bitch, in my brain and in my heart and in my soul. And in my recaps, too. So get used to it. This Bitch watched Legally Blonde for the first time two years ago and said: THAT. THAT IS WHAT I WANT MY LIFE TO BE. So she goes around screaming about how much she loves pink and diamonds and fucking one rich guy with a country club name (Court Westcott, gag me) till the end of time because the pursuit of personal happiness and self-respect is for DUMMIES who READ AND STUFF. This Bitch is insufferable. She makes blood ooze out of my ears and nose and eyes. Blood, everywhere. I have my period right now and I’m firmly convinced that This Bitch started it. She adopts the utterly dangerous, outrageously wrong philosophy that acting dumb will get you ahead in life, laughingly believing that such behavior works for her because she’s “actually real smart.” This Bitch is not acting dumb. This Bitch IS dumb. This Bitch has breathlessly embraced the rhetoric of a patriarchal, misogynist society and perilously celebrates it as feminist liberation. Fuck This Bitch forever.

Oh, and she has a pink dog food company. Which is as useless and brainless as she is. She loves dogs, and by “dogs” I mean those tiny eight-pound rodents that pass as dogs and don’t take up too much space in your ugly Louis Vuitton purse.

My Queen. My Idol. My Savior. LeeAnne Motherfucking Locken. I’ve only used “Motherfucking” in a legal Housewife name once before, and that was for Gina Motherfucking Liano, so yeah, it’s quite a distinction and not one that I dole out lightly. I firmly believe that LeeAnne Locken is one of the Housewife GOATs: a rare phenomenon that comes along once every very few years, someone so confident in her performance she almost seems like magic. She almost seems like God himself created her, just for this express purpose. She’s got everything. She’s a perfect embodiment of a Dallas woman, unshakably loyal to that hard-talking Texas redneck we’d expect from a show like this. Despite her beauty, she’s trash through and through, owning it with tales of her hardened childhood growing up in a family of carnies. And not only is she a villain, this woman is a walking execution sentence. This moment from last season will go down as one of the top 10 Housewife moments of all time (for context, she was talking about Cary’s husband):

For reference, Dick Sucked At The Roundup represented the THIRD time in only two seasons that LeeAnne literally, physically threatened to KILL SOMEONE. I mean you cannot write a woman this perfect and this petrifying.

But despite all that, she still manages to show her human side. She’s still just a woman with a house, with dogs, with a fiance, who with all of that normality to her somehow fares as just a person. A complicated, glorious, unbelievably awesome woman. This show really ought to be titled What LeeAnne Did This Week, but far be it from me to write a letter to the editor.

With all of that out of the way, let’s find out What LeeAnne Did This Week!

We open on some flippant B-roll of some of the ladies with their families. Since this is just the first 30 seconds the material’s really superficial but super educational when it comes to who these women are and the type of marriages and families they maintain: Mark is buying another year of contentious marriage with Cary through a new Porsche (which their toddler knows the word for). This Bitch is watching her daughter Hilton (what a rich fancy name! wow This Bitch do you like money) dance around a couch, calling herself a “First Lady.” Her husband Court asks the girl wouldn’t she rather be President? Hilton spits in disgust. Guess we know who this family voted for. Stephanie is having a meal with her two small boys and large adult son husband, Travis. All of them are being rude and Travis blames the lack of manners on Stephanie, because women, amirite.

We finally land on Brandi, who is bouncing up and down in her interview chair because two weeks ago, she got a puppieeeeeeeeeeee! Oops. Sorry. I mean human child. It’s hard for Brandi to tell the difference.

I mean seriously:

So, here’s the deal: last season one of Brandi’s storylines was one of those really boring but sad ones; it revolved around a miscarriage and Brandi’s rapidly deteriorating fertility. And that sucks! But luckily, a few weeks ago Brandi’s best friend Stephanie – who knows a guy who runs a quirky tenement filled with raggedy orphans – texted Brandi and said “look! a baby with no owner! you want it?” and Brandi was like, “score! free kid!” and the kid was like “damn OK whatever!” and then Brandi and Stephanie and the owner of the adoption agency met at the parking lot of a Kohl’s and the adoption guy gave Brandi a baby and then she forked over $30. Or something. I don’t know how adoptions work.

Brandi was extra psyched about the whole thing because the baby was a boy (which her husband was jonesing for) and a redhead with green eyes, just like her. The obnoxiously social justice warrior part of me can’t help but wince at that, since there are a jillion babies in the world that need adopting who aren’t white boys that look like rich white couples, but whatever. Brandi thought it was kismet and I’m not going to shit all over her happiness and wonder.

We move on to LeeAnne, who last year was pummeled at the reunion with a pseudo, hate-filled intervention about her anger management problem. The girls all spat and hissed that they “wanted her to get better,” so I dunno, here’s LeeAnne getting better. Walking into a yoga studio and up to the cashier and saying ONE PEACE OF MIND TO GO, PLEASE! She’s not feeling crazy about this at all:

She’s meeting up with D’Andra, a human kaleidoscope, and some crunchy granola 40-something dude with a balding head AND a manbun (lovely combination) who probably legally changed his name to the Sanskrit word for rocks.

Kidding. But his real name isn’t all that better.

David says that’s his actual last name. Sunshine starts to blow out his ass, so you can tell he ain’t fakin. LeeAnne loves the name and muses that if she were named “LeeAnne Sunshine” she’d probably start petting kittens and kissing babies instead of what she does now, which is physically menace people for looking at her wrong since her last name sounds like someone cocking a gun.

David brings the ladies into his studio and says stuff like, “take a seat on my zazus and zoombas and feel the energy of all this hassamanana hakuna matata,” which is a fancy way of saying sit your ass down on these cushions and do nothing:

David asks why the ladies are here and LeeAnne starts telling this story about her larger-than-average amygdala, the walnut-sized part of your brain that deals with emotions. I guess LeeAnne’s must be the size of a grapefruit considering how often and how easily she loses her shit, and she explains that it’s so big because she was abused a lot as a kid. Hopefully meditation will help shrink it, she thinks.

In her interview, D’Andra starts cracking up, because “it’s not your amygdala, honey, it’s you.”

Sunkist or Starburst or Suburu or whatever his name is bangs on a big copper bowl and tells the girls to close their eyes and mentally play through a montage of all of LeeAnne’s most frightening stunts on this show, like her shattering wine glasses and threatening to strangle people. And wouldn’t you know it? It works! LeeAnne is a Good Person now! Hurray. What a great season of Real Housewives of Dallas.

Stephanie meets Brandi to go baby shopping, which makes absolutely no sense since Brandi’s had two children in the past five years and recently planned to have another, so god knows why she wouldn’t have everything she needs, but whatever! Baby fever! Symptoms include bawling like an idiot in the middle of an upscale baby boutique:

Stephanie stares at the baby and says, awe-struck, “he looks just like you! he looks like you had him!” and again my heart winces a little for all the adopted mixed-race families, just a little. But Bruin (god I hate that name, it is literally a sports team) is still super cute and I love the “what in the ever-loving fuck” way he gawks at Stephanie:

How many red-headed babies did you kill to make that coat and should I be nervous.

Brandi and Stephanie talk about boring mom stuff like Bruin’s schedule and since I’ve had a lot of practice at work with things like this, I know how to tune it out. But I did catch that Brandi wants to keep her new son a secret, at least for a while.

D’Andra and her husband Jeremy go to a tasting for their upcoming FOURTH wedding anniversary party. If you’re wondering why in the world these two are throwing a party that requires a tasting ahead of time, a) same, and b) it’s because D’Andra and Jeremy decided to do something big and expensive and gaudy every year! because it “keeps them honeymooning.” And also because divorces in Dallas are apparently so common that “four years is like a life time!” Jesus, that’s grim.

By D’Andra’s logic, two of my relationships would have translated to a successful Dallas marriage. Cool.

They taste a bunch of fancy shit since “a D’Andra Simmons event is a first-class experience all the way.” Snort. My favorite thing on the menu is also Donald Trump’s: a steak with french fries and ketchup. LOLOL forever.

First-class. All the way.

As D’Andra and Jeremy go over the guest list, D’Andra bites her lip over the thought of inviting her mother, Dee, aka Madam, to the event. We learn that despite “handing the keys of the business” over to D’Andra last year, Dee has reneged on her decision, stayed firmly in charge, and maintained a contentious relationship with her daughter. They’re not even speaking now.

I love how she looks like a mob boss in this shot and I love how they imply how her business has a literal key.

Bla bla bla, more stuff about D’Andra being too scared to stand up to her mom for fear of losing her, and welp, I guess that’s D’Andra’s storyline this season. Which means more of Dee, which I’m totally cool with. Because damn, that creature is SOME. THING. to look at.

Over at This Bitch’s house, she has gathered her family in their very stately Princess Room!!! to talk serious Girl Business – namely, This Bitch’s pink dog food line, Sparkle Dog. Court definitely loves this life.

Good god I cannot stand this woman. She interviews, per usual, that most people (read: everyone who’s not blind deaf and dumb) look at her and think she’s this “dumb Barbie who loves pink,” but she’s like, RULL SMART, YUH GUIZE. She’s so smart that she was actually planning on moving to New York and getting a Master’s degree in textiles before she met Court’s family and realized that being a kept woman was like, way easier and junk.

This Bitch shows her kids all of her brilliant business ideas like buying herself a tote bag with “Sparkle Dog” written on it in rhinestones. Court tepidly suggests that maybe she should focus on more constructive stuff like growing her retail presence. This Bitch just rolls her eyes and says “I have enough!” and then does that awful thing where she addresses her husband by way of talking down to her kids, like “Daddy thinks I should shut Sparkle Dog down!” and “Daddy sleeps in a separate bedroom because Mommy is withholding!” and “Daddy is quite very soon going to serve Mommy some papers with some big words she doesn’t understand on them because Mommy thinks this is a constructive way for two adults to have a serious conversation! What do you think of that, honey?”

Court then leverages the kids as well by asking them if they’d rather have their mom around “to cuddle” instead of having her work all day, so I dunno, maybe these two shit heels deserve one another. Their son puts an accurate, telling period on the conversation by screaming at the top of his lungs: “this is AW-KWARRRRRRRRD!”

From the mouths of babes.

LeeAnne is going suit shopping with her fiance, Pirate Rich.

Yarrrrrrr

Rich lost most of his vision in his right eye and insists on wearing a patch, which LeeAnne hates and I don’t disagree with her. Also, how is he allowed to drive? Anyway, she says that D’Andra’s upcoming anniversary party will be the first time she sees all the ladies. “Girls keep track of that stuff, don’t they,” Rich drawls.

Well, Bravo keeps track of their cast and filming schedules, so these girls do, yes.

LeeAnne’s nervous about being in the same room as Cary ever since that whole amazing Cary’s husband gets sucked off by other men and I will literally choke her to death thing. Rich just scoffs and huffs in that cavalier Real Househusband sort of way and suggests LeeAnne just call Cary and invite her to coffee or something ahead of time. So LeeAnne does just that. The phone rings a bunch of times but Cary finally picks up, and LeeAnne goes “hey girl!”

Very long, very pregnant pause.

“Uh… hey girl,” Cary says flatly in response. LeeAnne:

LeeAnne comes out with her proposal and Cary’s all um, er, uh, OK, whatever, let’s do coffee. They get off the phone and LeeAnne explains to Rich that she understands why Cary would be reluctant, to which Rich jokes:

Ha. I like Rich.

Brandi and Stephanie meet for pedicures.

Brandi is REALLY trying to play up this whole “new mom with no time and no care for personal appearance thing oh and also I need to bring my baby everywhere” thing this episode.

Wow, sweatsuit, Uggs, and a beanie. You must be strapped!

Stephanie says that she’s sorry that Brandi won’t be at D’Andra’s anniversary party; Brandi says she’s psyched not to be there. Apparently she now hates D’Andra since D’Andra said Brandi had “squinty eyes” and alleged on a podcast that she abuses Adderall.

Brandi’s also glad to be avoiding LeeAnne, who she said she had “no future” with on last season’s Reunion. Stephanie agrees; she is horrified by the (awesome) way in which LeeAnne attacked Cary’s family last year. Stephanie interviews that LeeAnne has a tendency to scare her, and she hopes that she’s still in therapy. Stephanie and Brandi say that the only “BS” they want to deal with is Brandi & Stephanie.

Cary meets up with LeeAnne at a chintzy-looking diner. She’s still wearing her scrubs and orders a latte, plus biscuits and gravy “to go.”

LeeAnne, meanwhile, looks like some terrible stepsister of both the witch from Narnia and Cruella DeVil.

Cary admits in her talking head that she hasn’t seen LeeAnne in months since she doesn’t traipse around Dallas going to ever god damn charity event, like LeeAnne does. LeeAnne opens by saying that she wants to see “where she and Cary are at” ahead of the anniversary party. Cary says that she’s still hurt and isn’t ready to be friends with LeeAnne, but she does want to get to a place where she’s no longer nervous to run into her. LeeAnne responds that the two of them have been going through their shit for three years, and a belligerent harpy with an axe to grind against Cary is not who LeeAnne wants to be.

Cary says that LeeAnne’s “actions speak louder than her words,” but she doesn’t want to talk about those actions because (Housewives Bingo slot) she doesn’t want to bring up the past. LeeAnne says she’s “genuinely sorry” and she wants to move on and for the sake of their mutual friends, she wants to be on good terms with Cary. Cary agrees that she wants to be able to exist in the same room as LeeAnne sometimes – without fearing for her life – but when LeeAnne asks for something more like lunch, Cary says she’s “not there yet” but will continue reevaluating her state of mind. One thing Cary is sure about is that she’s finally going to start being honest about her feelings towards LeeAnne, and LeeAnne appreciates the fact that Cary refuses to smile and be fake when things are seriously upsetting her.

The conversation evolves into an actually constructive, candid one, and Cary softens enough to just eat the damn biscuits and gravy at the table (since the waiter, Starburst’s brother, ignored the “to go” part of her order). Now that Cary’s trapped, LeeAnne asks about her work schedule and that whole contentious part-time versus no-time fight Cary’s been having with her husband Mark.

Cary explains that Mark was right when he guessed that Cary would “blow her brains out” if she were a full-time mom, so now she’s running the new laser center in Mark’s office:

She’s pretty content with her life because she’s both the boss at work and has the “autonomy” of spending mornings with her daughter Zuri. Cary and LeeAnne toast to One Day At A Time in all things, including whatever is left of their friendship.

tfw when you’re totally lying weeeeeee

OMG, look, it’s a unicorn: D’Andra’s face without 430 layers of shellacked makeup:

“This is what my face will look like in four hours, what do you think?”

She’s holding up a truly fug dress for her family’s approval. Because this is an ever-important, ever-impressive fourth anniversary party, she and Jeremy have flown in their whole family, including Jeremy’s parents, son Koen, and niece Addyson, with whom D’Andra seems to harbor a very strange obsession. Like…

I don’t get it. 
Is she funny or something?

Also, where are that kid’s parents? Why is she here alone? Anyway, D’Andra tells the whole group (which remember, include Jeremy’s son and 11-year-old niece) a story about Jeremy’s mom dragging D’Andra to the upstairs of the house and demanding that D’Andra have sex with her son now. Jeremy’s mom is all:

“yeah basically”

Despite the fact that Jeremy begged her not to regale his young, impressionable family members with this sordid tale, D’Andra just goes onandonandonandon about it (finishing with a “mission accomplished!” and high five for Jeremy, gross) because Jeremy’s family is super cool and not bitchy like her mom. So she can’t help but be gregarious and gratuitous in front of them.

On the way to D’Andra’s party, LeeAnne does some more self-actualizing with Rich in the limo, sighing out how she just wants to be happy with them and their dogs and their friends and their… wedding. Rich chokes.

Then she says “let’s get married!” and he chokes some more:

The face of commitment

LeeAnne interviews that she’s been facing a lot of external pressure to set a date and get married already, but she’s not pushing Rich since he’s been married THREE times already. Promising!

D’Andra and Jeremy roll up to the gaudy mansion that’s hosting their party and D’Andra immediately gets to work resetting the seating arrangement:

I know they said they like to do something “special” every year but does it really need to be THIS special? Does everyone in the world REALLY need to experience all this specialness, or can’t they just keep it to themselves? Honestly, this shit is like a wedding on its own: there’s a high school friends table, a business friend’s table, LeeAnne’s table (she gets her own table because LeeAnne), a gay pride table (seriously)… I mean cripes.

Brandi texts D’Andra at that moment to tell her she’s not coming which seems pretty fucked up knowing, as we do, that Brandi was planning on missing this for a long while. D’Andra doesn’t get why Brandi’s ALL PISSED AT HER, WHUT.

As the guests pour into the house and drinks spill into the glasses (for real, there was a very prolonged cocktail montage here and then I started to get chills and shakes until I poured myself some more wine), we’re reminded of what D’Andra looked like on her wedding day:

élégance

The chills come back when DEE arrives, looking understated as ever:

NIGHTMARE FUEL

D’Andra says that since she and her mom are “Texas women,” aka, fake bitches, they show up to anything with a big “Texas smile” (aka, brain-melting joker grin) on their face and pretend nothing’s happening.

LeeAnne shows up in a very confused look, which blends a sparkly plaid gown and a shiny sheer bolero shawl and a leafy Grecian filigree hair piece. Like, what is going on here.

A whole lot of nothing good, that’s what.

Dee tells her date Bo that she was engaged 14 times…

… and then Bo sets a reminder on his phone to get a blood test after this party.

Don’t worry Bo. The Housewives have done worse than 14.

nevr 4get

This Bitch thinks it’s as weird as I do that D’Andra is throwing a fucking gala for her fourth wedding anniversary.

But maybe I’m underestimating her because it does appear that she knows how to do basic multiplication:

Either way, Dee is still back in the corner, being as supportive as any mother should be, proving D’Andra and her hangups are like totally wrong, LOL!

As the ladies all collect around D’Andra, similarly marveling with her how amazing it is that she managed to stay married for four years, Dee pokes her head into their circle like a rooster to snap some question at D’Andra, very obviously trying to interrupt her conversation, but swiping kindness over her face in a flash when the ladies all breathe out a “hiiiiiii!” at Dee. She starts hamming it up with them, telling them all she should be their mama.

LeeAnne and Cary hump each other and everyone is very confused.

It is weird that they’ve gone from “let’s be cordial and not shiv each other” at a diner to this, which is practically two horny teens in a Shakespeare comedy, but oh well. I sort of dig it. And of course you can expect this to mean that LeeAnne and Cary will be back to hating each other in like three episodes. I can’t wait!

Dinner is served and OMG LOL they went with the Trump Special:

Stephanie realizes with terror setting in to her marrow that she is seated next to LeeAnne:

At least there’s a very loud blazer on the other side of her, distracting her train of thought with something shiny.

LeeAnne couldn’t care less though; she’s more upset that “DAYNDRA” misspelled her name on her place card:

And even though the gaffe is pretty offensive, it does break the ice with Stephanie since it gives her something to laugh about with LeeAnne.

It reminds me of that scene in Hocus Pocus where the Sanderson Sisters have trapped the little girl in the shitty witch costume and make terrible jokes in front of her and the little girl just laughs and laughs and laughs, hoping that her good humor will spare her eyeballs from being plucked from her skull and dropped in a big cauldron of bubbling, boiling green goo. That’s what Stephanie’s doing right now.

As Dee starts barking orders at her daughter before her toast…

(Christ on a cracker that’s a shitload of eye makeup for one frame)

… LeeAnne is rallying up her “fun table” and… actually getting along with Stephanie, question mark? explanation point!

D’Andra pats herself on the back for seating them next to each other and rightfully assuming that they’d have fun without Brandi around. Which isn’t so much an indictment of Brandi herself but rather the airtight cliquey-ness of Brandi and Stephanie together. Stephanie interviews that LeeAnne is being “so nice” tonight, and reasons that she misjudged her because of Cary and Brandi’s perennial conflict with her. She confesses that she’d like to “move forward” with LeeAnne.

So would I, considering that LeeAnne and I act the exact same way at fancy dinners:

It’s a vintage Babylegs blend.

Cary just thinks Stephanie’s good mood is because she fuckin LIT, but she admits herself to This Bitch that she had a great conversation with LeeAnne and feels like “a weight has been lifted.”

This Bitch gets “geeeewwwwwws-bumps!!!!!“:

Then, OMG, who dis man:

He looks like a homeless person who invented his own militia and named himself the general. How does he own this shamillion dollar home.

He invites some random Friend Of up to the mic, who announces to LeeAnne and Rich that they’re GETTING MARRIED! TONIGHT!!!

Rich looks stoked, you guys:

His “stoked” face is also his “please drive a bamboo shoot in my ear and deep into my brain” face.

The crowd hoops and hollers and throws champagne all over the tables in a manic uproar. LeeAnne is ecstatic, giggling and beaming and gawking out surprise, but eventually she wises up and becomes Not A Monster, asking Jeremy at the mic to “save” Rich.

The episode ends on a very Potomac-friendly “to be continued” chyron:

… and that’s it. That’s all we see. An uncomfortable man, squirming in his seat, grimacing through his eye patch, praying and bargaining with god that the woman next to him will show him mercy. And blessedly, she does. Because for all her talk – all of her grandstanding and growling and laying waste to the world around her – maybe she’s not so wretched. She’s not bad. She’s just drawn that way. And life? Life is about to get good.

Next Week: Brandi shows up to the party. Surprise, I guess.

LeeAnne is pissed, but D’Andra is the one Brandi really came for.

There’s some weird shit about Stephanie and a surrogate and how it relates to Brandi? idk.

And D’Andra says “shit” in front of her mom and I guess that means she’s excommunicated.

Strap on your falsies and get back on that bronco, Trashies. Dallas has returned and it’s time to giddyup.

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HOLY SHIT IT’S THE END. I’m so excited and so sad. And because I work my way backwards up on these things, let me share the one song I wanted to post as tribute to these ladies:

… HAHAHA but they don’t deserve the Four Tops. And besides, we do got women like these. They’re wretched and they’re soulless and they’re slowly losing ground in Potomac. But they’re there. Waiting to snatch this gaudy crown that Potomac is marching around the kitchen with, singing about meatballs and Andy Cohen and memes, enjoying all the while a slightly undeserved sense of notoriety.

We open where we left last week, with Karen having a full-on emotional breakdown over the death of her parents, which happened like, seven minutes ago.

And we all know that eventually she has to, and will, come out, so I won’t waste a lot of time on that other than to say she had to have one of her glam squad goonies carry out her ass tulle beast for her, which was kind of fun to watch:

Meanwhile, the rest of the girls are hemming and hawing about how horrible all of this is with Andy on the couch. Candiace tries to make everything about herself by saying that she and Karen share “the same sensitivity,” whatever that means. Monique is the only one who seems to bear any true, unadulterated sadness for Karen, and Ashley and Robyn can’t help but pepper their empathy with a bunch of statements like SHE’S STILL A LYING LIAR WHO LIES, SO WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO THINK, HUH? Gizelle walks out, shrugs her shoulders, and is like, what can I say. Karen is crazy, but this is all awful, and she feels like an orphan right now.

Karen eventually walks back onto set and sits down and says that she feels alone in the world and “she’s not asking for sympathy; she just needs a moment,” and Robyn answers her (rather generously, I might add): “but you do deserve sympathy, Karen.” Andy tells Karen that Gizelle had just called her “the strongest woman she knows.” Everyone is all touched by that statement but before people can feel like actual friends for too long, Andy’s like HEY LET’S REMIND THE VIEWERS HOW MUCH YOU GUYS ALSO HATE EACH OTHER. A clip from one of Karen and Gizelle’s contentious lunches plays.

Karen says that despite everything they went through this season (and the past history of this show), her friendship with Gizelle is not something she’s willing to give up. Andy’s encouraged by this sliver of a silver lining and asks if there’s anyone else they can patch up with Gizelle, which includes uh, bbbbbasically the whole stage. “Gizelle and Monique?” he wonders. “Gizelle and Candiace?” he pries. “Gizelle and the camera guy? Gizelle and her driver? Gizelle and me? Gizelle and the Coffee Table? Gizelle and the overwhelming will to live? Anyone?”

No one speaks up, but it is cute how persistent Andy is – regardless – to get Gizelle an invite to Candiace’s wedding.

“If Gizelle is there so are the cameras, how are you not picking up on this you dumb field mouse.”

It’s Time for the Shermanator

Hey, remember that big scary body guard from Lilo & Stitch that Gizelle dated for a while before finding out that he was a non-committal, non-communicative dud? And remember that ex-wife of his that was carted on to this season conveniently right as Gizelle hit the year-and-a-half anniversary of dating him? We’re gunna talk about all that, which means we need to pack this sci-fi looking prawn on the end of the Green Eyed Bandits couch:

LADIES PLEASE STOP WITH THIS STRUCTURAL NECK/SHOULDER CRAP I CANNOT

“Hi, Charriiiiiiiiiiiiise!” Andy sing-songs, in that way you would when you’re addressing a four-year-old nephew. Charrisse wastes no time announcing that both she and her house are “on the market,” which is why she’s got this sessy lil new ‘do.

Who cares, Andy says, and then digs in to the whole Kyndall thing. Gizelle states that most of all, she blames Monique for it, since Charrisse had wanted to bring Kyndall on to the show way back in Season 1, before Gizelle started dating Sherman. And she doesn’t blame Karen because Karen is a goblin with no original ideas so it’s not surprising to Gizelle that Karen invited Kyndall to her O Gala eons after Charrisse and Monique cooked up a plan to bring Kyndall around in the first place.

Charrisse makes up this completely nonsensical alibi, being that she did “want to be messy” and bring Kyndall in to Season 3 to fuck with Gizelle, but she never conceived of any sort of specific scene by which to do so. Monique pipes up to call total bullshit, alleging that Charrisse conspired with her to create a cameo for Kyndall at Gizelle’s birthday party. And damn, that is both extremely cold and something I definitely believe. Charrisse, you can’t half-admit to the whole Kyndall thing. You can’t say that everything was your idea but nothing was your execution. Unless you’re OJ.

Still, Gizelle refuses to see the trees for the forest here and continues to point her finger at Monique. Because in Gizelle’s mind, despite Charrisse’s series-long crusade to get Kyndall on the show, Kyndall was “too boring” (snort) for cameras until Gizelle started dating her ex-husband, and at that point, Gizelle assumes, Monique took over. Monique insists that “she doesn’t think about Gizelle like that,” and rightfully, it would take a lot less of Monique to piss Gizelle off.

Andy brings up a tweet that Ashley posted that suggests that Gizelle and Kyndall look alike.

Gizelle refutes this claim because “one’s a horse and one’s not,” because Gizelle is a heinous bitch. In my mind, it’s more like, one has a decent taste in clothes and jewelry and makeup and presentation in general, and one wears a pair of earrings that look like the logo for the United States Veterinary Association.

Andy asks if Sherman bailed right on the heels of the People Magazine article (which announced Gizelle’s relationship with him) because he was afraid of the exposure, and god dammit Andy, he NEVER takes these questions far enough. The question should be: “after Sherman started dating you, going on television, and realizing his ex-wife would be making an appearance, was he afraid that all that dirt on the Park After Dark incident would come out?” COME ON, dude, do your job.

Gizelle says it was the fear of exposure but also a number of “communication” issues piled on, and despite the fact that they broke up, Sherman told her he had been looking for rings beforehand.

Candiace, under her breath:

Something tells me Candiace knows of what she speaks.

Charrisse says that Gizelle and Sherman were starting to look like “Katie and Andrew for a minute there,” and even though I totally disagree, I was cackling through the callback:

REMEMBER THIS PIECE OF SHINY LINT??!

There’s some speculation that Gizelle is dying to get married again, and that’s both demeaning and sexist, so I’m not even going to deal with it. But Gizelle does admit that Sherman wants to get back together with her. Candiace asked Gizelle what her answer to that is and Gizelle snaps at her to “mind your business, Tweety Bird.”

“Well tweet, tweet,” Candiace says, batting her eyes and flapping her dress, “what did he say?” Gizelle can’t help but laugh and admits they’re taking things one day at a time.

Monique tries to apologize for the 4,209 times she brought up Sherman’s whole cruisin’-for-hos-in-the-park thing, but try as Monique might, literally resorting to clapping and singing out an apology, Gizelle doesn’t buy it, assuming Monique only felt contrite after and because of all the flak she received on social media. Andy FINALLY comes out and suggests that maybe one of the reasons Sherman ghosted on Gizelle  is because he didn’t want all of that brought to light?

Andy asks about where things stand between Monique and Charrisse. Monique sadly admits that they’re no longer friends, which is unfortunate because they used to talk every day or whatever. Charrisse plays that ridiculous, spuriously incredible card that Monique was using her as a come-up and “for connections,” which is fucking ludicrous considering it’s a story that came from Robyn, this show’s pet rock that somehow still finds a way to piss all over the carpet.

Amidst Monique and Charrisse screaming over each other and disagreements on the difference between “masseuses and massage therapists” (“one of them does other stuff“), Andy asks Karen what she thinks about all this. I hardly see why that matters (Karen correctly asserts that Monique is a better friend), but I did like this line of questioning because Karen did this (shockingly) really cute funny thing where when someone interrupted her, she went, “lemme finnish… Nnnee sizz ss mah turn…” and Andy says, in this equally adorable cajoling way, “yep.” And then Karen says all tiny and squeaky: “think ewe.”

I dunno. I felt like that needed to be pointed out because it was the only time I’ve ever found Karen Huger endearing.

On that note, it’s time to bring the husbands out! Chris Samuels starts singing “Bring Em Out” like this is the hype player intro part before a football game and it really makes me jealous of all those games Monique got to go to.

Ray’s really the one who doesn’t fit into a “Bring Em Out” montage, but I can filter him out in my brain. As a side note, I’m a total nerd for sports intros. It definitely doesn’t fit into my profile of fat 30-something single woman who loves Bravo, but surprise, I’m like COMPLICATED. I’m the commissioner my office’s FANTASY FOOTBALL LEAGUE. What do you think of THAT, DUDE. And since you definitely asked, here’s the greatest sports intro of all time. Followed closely by the orgy of 90s NBA nostalgia that was opening of Space Jam. Can you imagine living a life that would produce that kind of retrospective? Wow.

Anyway, back to the game. Aaron Rodgers broke his collarbone and my whole season is shot to shit. This whole thing is fucking dumb and I don’t want to play anymore.

Sorry. I really went down a rabbit hole there.

Andy introduces the men in the same demeaning way he always greets the ladies. The only thing of note is that Chris Samuels lost 35 lbs since January thanks to “a lot of sex at home.” Gross.

Robyn shares my feelings about all that.

Chris Basset (Hound) [FYI I think this is the first and only time we learned Candiace’s Chris’ last name]

White Boy Chris answers the many questions about his penis with a joke about Gizelle breaking out one of her “Hue Cards.” He’s then asked about the time that Candiace said she was “sacrificing” a whole lot (or “lowering her standards”) to be with a guy who has kids. Chris brushes it off and Candiace admits that it was a “selfish way to think.” Note how she doesn’t say “it was a selfish thing to say,” meaning she did, in fact think that, since Candiace is a vapid, self-involved moron. We learn that Chris still hasn’t had any contact with his oldest son. Womp womp.

Chris Fuxalot

Chris is all supportive and partner-y about Monique’s miscarriage and that’s nice. He mentions that horrid comment Monique received on Facebook or somewhere about losing the baby because she’s an alcoholic. When asked about Monique’s falling out with Charrisse, he admits that Charrisse was his favorite lady in the cast, but Monique is nothing if not loyal so he understands why the two of them no longer have a friendship.

The Trumps of Great Falls

We’re treated to a montage of Karen’s greatest hits, which is essentially just a series of brazen lies and very credible whispers about infidelity. As soon as it’s over, Ray starts chuckling fakely, because “I’m laughing to keep from crying,” and hey, what a good sign!

His first question, obviously, is how he could “keep” a “secret” like his taxes from his wife for so long, and as he’s saying that he never thought his business tax problems would become a personal issue, his spotlight goes out.

When Andy asks for specifics about the, ya know, specific tax issue, Ray claims that mistakes were made all around. Not only did the company make a mistake (over an at least $2 million tax bill, LOL, nice company), the government didn’t identify it, and he also can’t really talk about it because his lawyers and attorneys have advised him not to. “But that didn’t stop you all!” he chortles, right before Andy says a) this is a reality show, and b) it was in the fucking Washington Post.

Also, for the millionth time, as someone who faces tax issues: the government doesn’t just “not identify” tax issues. Sure, it takes a few months for the IRS to come back with a letter that claims you owe, but it’s the fucking IRS. Not Sheila in accounting who casually MISPLACED TWO MILLION DOLLARS on a spreadsheet. I got in trouble for a microsmic iota of $2 million, and trust me, the government does. not. forget. ya name. boo.

Andy asks Karen about the pizza delivery from Papa Green Eyed Bandits and Karen starts with “well, when I see someone trying to do something for me…” and Ray and Andy cut in to shout: “they weren’t DOING it for YOU!” Hahaha. I do like Ray.

Ray and Karen both try to make up some easy lie about them both being home, with Ray making up some warning about “his landscaping guy” getting in trouble for leaving food on the porch and Karen claiming that her purse was on the counter the whole time. That would make two(2) items that Karen leaves on that fucking kitchen counter, so good for her. Karen derides the Green Eyed Bandits’ actions as both childish and something she has seven years to sue for (at least she knows what statutes of limitation are) but everyone else just finds the pizza caper funny. Even Robyn admits that she rang the doorbell hoping to meet Karen on the other side.

Andy asks the Bandits if they think Karen lives in the house in Great Falls. Gizelle thinks she lives “in a part of it.”

Karen and Ray start cackling maniacally, fakely, almost if on cue, and Ray kicks off a round of “sex dungeon” jokes. This is so childish and anyway, you all know my theory on this issue.

There’s a brief interlude about “Old Blue Eyes Matt.” The rest of the cast knows him because he’s apparently cozied up to them and talked shit about, well, everything. Karen just insists “he’s a nice guy” but considering that both couches are against her here, and hello, MATT, I’m inclined to believe everyone else in the cast. Matt is a regular Jim Marchese. Except more likable and acceptable, I mean.

PREACH, MICHAEL.

Andy asks Ray if he does indeed live in the Great Falls house — WITH Karen. “Oh, absolutely…” he begins, before Michael cuts in with THE BEST READ of all since Phaedra handed it to Kenya all those years ago on an Atlanta Reunion. I mean, bear in mind, it’s tainted by Karen talking over the whole fucking thing, trying her damnedest to get Michael’s actual (not alternative facts) lost in warbles. But Michael still delivers nonetheless. He points out how mindless it is to sell a house in Potomac for one miles away in Great Falls (another state), and as a real estate developer, he would know. He points out that Ray should have known about his tax problems since, as a business owner, he’s supposed to sign his business’ tax returns. He points out that he doesn’t need to hear the Hugers’ explanations since they never really own up to… well, fucking anything.

I mean, the library is open.

Karen and Ray shoot back with well, Michael has business issues of his own, and well, we’ll answer questions if you ask nicely, yet again finding every lazy, immaterial excuse in the book to bat away accusations and attack their accusers. Trumpism at its finest, you guys.

A viewer posed the idea that Ashley is “obsessed” with Karen and Karen dismisses Ashley as a Millennial. Michael claims that this is demeaning and then demands an apology from Karen for propagating that whole Grindr scandal. Karen refuses because she thinks it’s true, so – unlike Karen and Ray – Michael comes with muthafuckin receipts.

He brandishes his passport to prove he wasn’t in London when the suspected Grindr incident went down.

Ashley admits that she’s facing a lawsuit from Karen for spreading this whole rumor about Karen banging her driver. Ashley says, despite the gag order on herself, that she saw the driver at the bar at Oz – which Monique can corroborate and which is extra weird considering drivers don’t usually walk in to bars or parties to pick you up – and we get a flashback of Ashley telling the rest of the sordid tale on Watch What Happens Live, replete with butt grabbing.

Andy asks Ray how he feels about this whole rumor and Ray like, doesn’t fucking dismiss it at all but thinks he does by saying he thought Karen was cheating with this person a few years ago SO HE HIRED A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR (aka “friends”) but it all checked out.

Uh. Oh, phew?

HOW IS THAT HELPFUL

Maybe because of the discomfort level – maybe because she’s irrelevant – Charrisse leaves.

I’m fine with that. Bye, bitch. Thanks for the Kyndall storyline that went nowhere.

Michael & Ashley

We run through probably the most exhausting and unwelcomingly “real” story this season, which had to do with Michael, Ashley, and her mom, Sheila. Andy rightfully asserts at the end of the montage that it seems as if Michael was trying to break up with Ashley at the end of the season. Albeit in that passive, coward’s way that people do, which is to place the blame on yourself – but easily, Michael was trying to bow out. Ashley doesn’t see it that way.

In fact, she sees the contrary, since she and Michael are now actively trying to start a family.

Ooh, gurl.

And by the way, she conceived a week before her 30th birthday but lost the baby.

And then Michael visibly and believably chokes up.

And even if Michael and Ashley are toxic, and even if this is fake, I can’t. I resign my snark duties. I’m out. This is sad. I’m not going to joke about it. Because losing a baby is horrid and I won’t even pretend to know enough about that experience to make light of it.

Oh wait. There’s one thing I can joke about. Ashley, as a result, is seeing a traditional Chinese medicine doctor, and I can’t help think about Charlotte and Dr. Mao.

And I don’t know if this is promising or not (probably not), but Michael says that having a baby was never about having a family with him, but rather having a better relationship with Ashley. Okay, babies are not puppies and puppies are not bandaids: you cannot have them just to fix your relationship. Either way, one person is crying:

The good-much-question-mark news is that Ashley’s mom’s boyfriend is now “fully employed” and the cast all gives a verbal approval. The bad news is this is still the toxic shit heel who drove a parasite-infested wedge through the family and the turnover rate at Denny’s is quite high. Ashley puts a cherry on top of all this by sucking up to her boss Andy and insisting that The Show is like introspective therapy, insisting that it’s good for her mom and her family.

Um, I’ve gotten through a lot worse without therapy OR going on a reality show, but OK.

Karen then turns it on herself because having a parent is a gift and everything and bla bla bla I feel for her but this is stupid over-handed.

I can’t believe I didn’t mention this, but Ashley made a video for that stupid song she sang Michael at the Open Mic Night. It’s actually got a decent budget and production value (minus Charrisse’s presence), but Michael is still horrendously embarrassed by it.

Before Andy lets the husbands go, he asks if there’s anything the husbands still want to say. Chris Samuels chimes in with a gamely, baritone “I love Monique!”

Ray chimes in with, “and I love Erika Liles! I mean Katherine. I mean Carrie. I mean uh… [checks notes] KAREN.”

Chris Basset stumbles through a diatribe about “learning experiences” and Michael says nothing because he’s clearly put in his time.

The husbands are thus dismissed and we get some behind-the-scenes nonsense of them walking off set, including more of Chris acting like a football player.

“Watch out! You ’bout to knock into the wall! OH! I tried to save ya, brother!”

And sweet tap dancing Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ, it’s the shot I’ve been waiting for all season. The one of a PA finally serving these ladies at their well-deserved Reunion.

give me this in a syringe

Now that they all have their CHAMPS, Andy wants to know, in these final moments of Season 3 (OMG I’m almost there, please finish, I lie, panting and saying whatever name you want and swearing to god, please just let this be over with) what they’ve learned this season.

Monique: “Mind my business.”

Candiace: “This show is stressful but I’m appreciative.” Then, despite crying through this whole Reunion, she concedes NOW she’s gunna cry. WELP! UGH. “Sisterhood. Fellowship.”

Ashley: “Be open. Forgive. Move on to a good place with Karen.”

Robyn (not talking about herself): “Address each other as humans.”

Gizelle: “Hard work pays off. Not telling anybody who I’m dating. CAN YOU TELL I’M THE BETHENNY OF POTOMAC.”

Karen: “Life is short. Keep your family close. Keep your friends just as close (?).”

Andy asks who in the group wants to lead them in a toast and of course Bethenny Gizelle takes charge: “To Potomac. No matter what, we are in this thing together…”

“… short hair, don’t care”

“curly hair, love that…”

“Andy Cohen, THE Cohen…”

“Maybe Monique will apologize…”

“… and Candiace, I would LOVE to come to your wedding.”

And none for Gretchen Weiners, bye.

What a truly awful set of women. What a dastardly bunch of hell-raising ne’er dowells. What a terrible bunch of tillers, farming this land till it’s lain waste and barren, scrounging the earth for any discernible resources. But despite all that greed, and despite all that hunger, these are the women we need. These are the women who plow our soil and raise the sun and and rally the women and wine, bringing us babies, shrieking all the while, reminding us all that this is just a proud, luscious, lustful cycle. Furrow in. Count your blessings and don’t look back.

Thank you for joining me for another heady, crabby season of this muck.

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Previously, Shannon is launching a food line on QVC.  Vicki semi-apologized to Kelly under the tutelage of Shannon and Tamra.  Gina got a little loud and drunk at Emily’s poker party and the Turtle told her to “GET OUT.”  We learned that The Turtle, doesn’t like “loud, older women.”

I   D   E   N   T   I   C   A   L 

You came to the wrong place, buddy.

Good to see one of Kelly’s old breast implants has been repurposed.  #recycle

We open with a photoshoot at Shannon’s for her Real for Real Cuisne line.  This is for a photo that is to be included with every meal.  Shannon, of course, thinks she looks fat in the photos.   She says this is her first photoshoot ever… ???  Her stuff for Real Housewives are candids?

We get a flashback to Dr. Wow.  For those who don’t remember this Doctor/Trainer/Asshat, when Shannon decided to address her weight issue last year and she went to him to get on a program, repeatedly said “Wow” with a scowl on his face when photographing her body.

F*ck you and your Wow.  Dick. 

 That guy was a real motivator, wasn’t he?

Come buy my low cal meals.  It tastes like this photo… cardboard and boring.

Shannon’s photos are way too posed for MisRed’s taste.  Shannon looks so much prettier when she’s not, like, trying- not posing.  When she is, straight-up- laughing, or, you know, just having a nacho, she looks great.

Sure they are low cal, but look how HAPPY am!!!

Maybe throw Archie into some of the shots!

The meals are great!!! They taste best after I lick my own junk???

After the photoshoot, Tamra, Kelly and Emily are to cover over for lunch.   The girls arrive at Shannon’s house.  Kelly says she is so proud of Shannon- they are in the same boat, divorcing, downsizing and trying to figure out how to make money.  What exactly is Kelly figuring out?  At least Shannon has an idea here.   Tamra rolls in on her broom scooter.

Tamra requests a LaCroix- which she can’t pronounce- she says LaCrow.  Croy.  Crock.  For the record, the manufacturer says it is pronounced “La-Croy, rhymes with Enjoy!”

Tamra, always the epitome of class asks if the girls know it’s “Official Blow Job day.”  Emily corrects her to “Steak and blow job day.”  Jesus- don’t tell MrRed.  I don’t want steak today. <wink,wink>

The geniuses who put Vicki on air. #radiowoohoo

We move over to Vicki arriving at I Heart Radio for some reason. She meets Ali- her questionably shady partner- and some guy who looks like my Uncle Joe.  Michael and Steve the Crooked Cop is there, too.

Vicki is now franchising Coto Insurance. Seriously, why is Steve there?

Seriously, how much longer until I can get put on a joint checking account?

Michael couldn’t look more uncomfortable.   He always looks completely wooden, but this time he’s wooden in a suit.   I think Vicki bought him at Ikea.

Vicki- always seeking affirmation- asks Steve if he’s proud of her for – uh, wearing headphones, I guess?  And she’s like “I love you so much.”  She’s just trying to prove to all of the men in this room that she is desired by… a Crooked Cop.   Vicki says “I love being with Steve, but he’s very reserved.  He does zero PDA.”

Yeah, well, not with you.   Vicki is the opposite.  She goes into a description but MisRed has blocked it out.  I can’t throw up this early in the morning, I just can’t.  She says, Steve calls her “Mrs. Groper.”

Vicki really likes the way she sounds on microphone.  Well, that makes one of us.  She suggests that she and the sound engineer should host a dating show and give tips for what to do when you are married.

First Tip for a Successful Marriage:  Don’t Marry Vicki. 

Who is going to tell Vicki what to do when married?  Relationship success isn’t exactly in Vicki’s wheelhouse.

Vicki gives some dry insurance spiel and fumbles over some words.  Omar gives Vicki a bottle of fireball.

Please don’t make that lizard face.  PLEASE!!!!

Michael starts his day with Fireball.

If Vicki was your mom, you’d be lit too.

All day.  Every day.

Vicki does a shot and then says she is ready to do a I love Sex show.  SERIOUSLY VICKI?!?!?!?!  Shut up, you are disgusting.  Then she says something about a blowjob and ugh, gross.

Then we get a flashback of all the times Vicki has embarrassed Michael.  Seriously, they could have our own special: RHOC: Vicki embarrasses Michael.

This scene is a waste of my VALUABLE time.

Back at Shannon’s we learn that Shannon has an upcoming court date to try to settle the financial portion of her divorce from David.David!David?

Shockingly, David isn’t being cooperative. 

Kelly says spousal maintenance is where you really get the money.  Shannon says David refuses to hire an attorney.  David is holding everything up by not having an attorney.  He’s stalling so he won’t have to pay Shannon any temporary support.  DAVID IS THE WORST.

Emily has been a divorce lawyer before.  Did you guys know she was a lawyer?  She says it holds up everything when there isn’t an attorney on the other side.

Thanks, Captain Obvious.

Uh yeah, that’s what Shannon just said.

David has made a “declaration” to the court, for which, you don’t need to have any actual proof, you can write, pretty much, anything you want.  He has made accusations against Shannon, that she excessively drinks.  Well, he does have show footage for that, should he need proof.

One of Shakespeare’s lesser known works…

Shannon’s lawyer is submitting David’s evil texts.  A few of his greatest hits include:

•  “F*ck you, you f*cking b*tch.”
• “You f*cking disgust me, you fat ass.”
• “Get off your f*cking lazy, fat ass.”
• “Did you get out of bed today, f*cking bitch?”

And if you act now, we will also send you, these gems:

• “Take the silver spoon out of your mouth.”
• “F*ck you. So tired of you. You f*cking disgust me.”
  “F*ck you. What do you have to do? Eat? Cause you can’t get off your fat ass?”
• “World ending tonight? You get out of your pajamas today? Sleep till 2? The sad part is your b*tch behavior is normal for you. F*ck you.”

Ladies and Gentlemen, David Beador.

Shannon says David told her he lived through 17 years of hell with Shannon.

 
So David didn’t always look like a psychopath? 

Listen, MisRed has said this before- I’m sure Shannon is no picnic to live with.  She is a bag of neurosis, wrapped in 5 pair of Spanx.  But I have to believe that David and his behavior and criticism- and you KNOW there was criticism if these are the texts he sent- must have contributed so Shannon’s issues and vice versa.

Changing the subject, Shannon asks Emily (who I keep wanting to call Gina… can we just call them both Gina?  Would that cause a problem?) how long poker night went on?  Emily is like- Until Turtle snapped.

Seriously, she said, until my husband threw Gina out.  Shannon was like- what?  Emily says he came to the railing and yelled down the stairs:  “Get this chick out of my house!!”

Shannon asks what Gina said back- if she said “F*ck you! That’s not even my f*cking plate!!!?!?!?”  Oh.  No, she asks if Gina told him to go f*ck himself or what?

Emily says that Gina apologized.  Tamra thinks that a man should not be yelling at a woman.  But also, Emily was having a party, what did Turtle expect- total silence??

Emily says that Gina wants to apologize to Turtle, but Emily advised her to give him a few days.

For what?  To recover?  Turtle is a dick.  Even David didn’t seem like a dick this early.  Oh, but you know who did?  That other bible-thumping uber-douche: Jim Bellino.  Dick straight out of the gate.

The girls are planning a Happy Hour for the following day.

We join Kelly and Vicki in car going for Happy Hour.  Vicki really thinks she is the cutest thing alive says “Are you gonna go for a happy, happy, happy hour?”  Well no, not if you are there.  With you there it will be a “try to act happy while we tolerate this troll Vicki hour.”

The happy hour is in Huntington Beach, which Vicki claims to not know very well.  Probably because she’s always working and nobody else works as hard as she works.

Kelly says she went by Shannon’s house, and it’s nice but not $12,500 nice.  Shannon’s rental is $12,500 PER month.  Um what? I swear, sometimes these betches have more money than brains.  It’s painful.

They discuss the poker party and how Gina got kicked out by Turtle.  Vicki didn’t even realized Turtle was there.  Yeah, he was in his tank eating fish pellets for most of the night.

Kelly says she would have flipped her shit at Michael if he’d done that.  Vicki asks if Emily went nuts on the turtle and Kelly says she didn’t, Emily supported Turtle.   Kelly is like… And that’s why I’m not married.

Emily is getting ready in her kitchen, and Gina comes to pick her up.  Gina interviews “I have three goddamn kids.  I need a night out.  I am not spending my night out on a petty f*cking fight with Emily.  Where I’m from taught me to squash stuff.  You don’t want to go into a group of women who all have strong opinions and bring your sh*t into it.”

Emily tells us, not that we give one single f*ck, that one of her spawn has pink eye.

Gina says, “Not everyone is navigating the small children like we are?”  If by navigating you mean, like, not parenting them and letting them run roughshod all over you- then yes, nobody is navigating kids like you two.

Gina wants to address situation at Poker party.  She tells Emily that she was talking to Tamra and  her interpretation of what happened doesn’t really match up with what she (Gina) thinks happened.  “Tamra is under the impression that I did something on the way out of your house- that I created a scene.”   Gina says Tamra said- Emily told girls that Gina said that she wanted to apologize to Turtle.

We flash to the Gina / Tamra exchange- Tamra says that Gina shouldn’t apologize to Turtle. Gina is like- I was going to tell her to let it go so that she wouldn’t be embarrassed by Turtles behavior.

Emily said that Gina was loud, but it wasn’t really a scene.  Gina says Turtle could have handled the situation more gracefully. Gina wasn’t doing anything differently than anyone else- maybe a little louder- but if anyone would owe anyone an apology, it’s Turtle that owes Gina an apology.

Gina has never even MET turtle before.  He really needs to come out of his shell.  THAT WAS THEIR FIRST INTERACTION.

Emily “you’ve never met my husband.”  Interviews that Shane is never going to apologize.  He doesn’t think that under any circumstance that what he did was wrong.

Yes, I’m done talking about it too because I’ve already WAY exaggerated the situation to all of the other girls, so…

Both say that they didn’t think it was a big deal.  Don’t worry everybody else will make it a big deal.

Back in the car, Vicki says a husband should never yell at another lady.  Hmmm, MisRed seems to recall Brooks, at the end of Season 7, yelling at Tamra, saying she gave Vicki the Evil Eye.

And THAT was the first crack in the Vicki / Tamra veneer.  Remember?  That piece of moldy, cancer-faking turd started that rift.  Well, actually, Tamra and her acceptance of Wretchen was really the first chink in the armor.  That was not an ethnic slur.  But MisRed digresses.

Kelly says that Turtle is Mormon.  As if that’s the reason why he acts like this.  LOL.  I mean, it could be why he acts like this.  MisRed doesn’t know a lot of Mormons, but Donny Osmond seems harmless, and that Elizabeth Smart girl, seems just dandy.

Vicki wants to know “How does that work?”

Oh good, a dumb-off.

Um, it’s like he’s another species, Vicki.  Unless he is, in fact, a turtle.  Vicki doesn’t understand how Turtle can be married to a non-Mormon, especially, with the drinking aspect.  This brain trust cannot grasp the concept of an interfaith marriage.

Vicki says her being married to a Mormon wouldn’t work.  Vicki, you being married to a HUMAN doesn’t work.  “She says I like to be naked and I like to have a cocktail.”  Ew Vicki, naked.

Kelly “I’m going straight to hell.”

Vicki and Kelly arrive at Tanners on the beach in Huntington Beach.  Vicki says to the hostess,“Meeting some ladies.”  Well, loosely, I suppose.  The restaurant is right on the water, it’s pretty.

Vicki is ordering a hot toddy because her throat is hurting.  Oh good, Get everyone sick, Vick.  You know Vicki is the person in the office who doesn’t stay home when she’s sick, thus infecting the entire population of Orange County.

Tamra arrives on her scooter then Emily and Gina arrive.  They discuss Shannon’s divorce and court hearing.  Gina “For what? For What?” Tamra says it’s difficult when two people are not on the same page, it’s hard to co parent.  GINA, OBSERVE.

Shannon arrives and says that in their last court date, the strangest thing happened.  She looked at David- of course, David didn’t know she was looking, otherwise he would have said “What are you looking at FATASS?!?!!?”  And she says she thought “I feel nothing for him.”  Not anger, she just feels nothing.  She wonders how after 20 years of marriage and 6 moths later you feel nothing?  Well, she felt nothing at that exact moment.

Tamra says it was a long time coming.  And David cheated on her.  And he, also, was a gaping asshole.  But MisRed added that for good measure.   But all y’all were thinking it, don’t lie!!!

The girls encourage Shannon to date, Tamra says Shannon needs a kick in the ass to start dating.

We cut to a flashback of Tamra and Vicki consulting April, a matchmaker, on Shannon’s behalf?  Tamra thinks Shannon needs to get laid.  MisRed agrees.

Tamra brings up topic of Matchmaker.

Rut Roh, MisRed feels herself going OFF ON A TANGENT.

The word Matchmaker INSTANTLY makes me think of Fiddler on the Roof.  Ok, who would each of these betches be if we were casting an OC Version of Fiddler?  Shannon would be Hodel- the one that gets sent away to Siberia.  Tamra would be Chava, the one kicked out of the family.  Vicki would definitely be the butcher’s evil dead wife, Fruma Sarah, who haunts them.

See?

Emily would be the youngest one that nobody gives a shit about, Bielke.  Oh wait… or would Emily oldest, Tzeitle, who married a Turtle.  I mean a Tailor.   Snap out of it, MisRed.

Tamra tells Shannon that she is going to meet the matchmaker THAT DAY.  Tamra texts the matchmaker, and tells her to high-tail it over to Tanners.  Shannon is freaking out.  “Who signs up for a dating service?”  Uh, well, almost everyone is dating online.  MisRed met her husband online… back when only complete LOSERS met online.

The Matchmaker shows up with a colleague.  Shannon and Tamra go off to talk to Matchmaker.

Awwww…

Kelly says if she ordered a man for Shannon he would be “Tall, Dark, Handsome, good in the sack, rich. And someone that’s into her and loves her… And wants to have sex all the time.”

Shannon tells the matchmaker the back story of David.David!David?  Tamra jumps in saying David put her through the ringer- left the house, threw his wedding ring at his daughter and told her to give to Shannon and then moved in with a woman.  Oh! And then Shannon still took him back.

What you need to know is… David should have been named Richard.

Back at the table, Kelly talks about her dating life, she’s seeing The Milk Man, The Lawyer, The Spine Doctor.

Vicki interviews “None of them have names.”  Shut up Vicki, if they aren’t serious, you really don’t need to know their names.  It’s much easier to keep Kelly’s line-up straight by profession.

For example, men refer to you as “Annoying Insurance Twat Whose Face Changes Ever Year.”

Shannon continues to share with the Matchmaker saying she won’t meet a guy at a bar and then make out with him that night.  Tamra is like “She loves sex!”

I act like a priss but I’m actually a big old horn dog!!  Who knew!?!?

Shannon says David “Wasn’t a sex person.”

Yeah, well, not with you. 

Tamra is like “He has a really small penis.”

The bigger the dick, the smaller the dick. 

Shannon isn’t sure if she’s ready to date, but she is a little panicked.

Vicki doesn’t feel well, so she leaves. Good.  Keep going.  Then Emily says she has to leave because Turtle has had the three kids all day- he came home early from work to take care of the kids.  Emily goes on and on about it and Tamra is like “Alright, bye.”

Tamra doesn’t like that Turtle kicked Gina out after the poker party- and now she has to come home because he’s been with the kids for a few hours.  Tamra thinks it’s controlling and It reminds her of Simon.

Gina decides to catch a ride home with Tamra.  Tamra asks Gina about the whole Turtle thing and if she addressed it the Emily?  She says she did and that she didn’t feel that his behavior was directed at her personally.  But the other girls make sure to clarify that it was directed at her as she was the only one left at the party.  LOL.

Oh it was definitely YOU

Gina interviews that the night of the poker party, Emily was embarrassed of Turtles behavior and said “My husband is a dick.  I’m sorry my husband is such a dick.”  Gina doesn’t even feel this needs to be discussed, she thought she squashed it with Emily earlier in the car.

Come on Gina, that’s what this show is about.  You take something microscopic and blow it up into a story arc.  I mean, on RHONJ, sprinkle cookies started a blood feud that has lasted FOR YEARS.

Gina says that she wasn’t doing anything weird at the poke party- she was acting the same as everyone else- she didn’t do anything in appropriate at the party.  And if he had come downstairs and said “Look, I’m trying to put my kids to bed.”  It would have been different.  She said it was like a sniper attack, with him yelling at her from the top of the stairs.

The other women agree that they would have gone nuts if they had been in that situation.  Gina says that Emily apologized outside for Turtle’s behavior.  Interesting that we didn’t hear THAT part from Emily.  Shannon is like- I’m not going to put judgement on anyone else’s marriage, but if my husband had come home from work early to watch the kids while I went out, I would leave early too, because I wouldn’t want to piss him off.”

Whoa.    Shannon says that hearing this story brings up a lot of memories from her marriage.  She says that, when she was married,  if she had been in that situation she would have heard about it when she got home. OK, so David being a flaming douchebag is nothing new.

Gina is like- hey, it wasn’t his finest moment, and it may or may not be the crux of who he is.  She is going to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Good for you.  MisRed is not giving him the benefit of the doubt.  If this tool can’t be on his best behavior for the first event…

Gina says that if Emily hears that Shannon compared the Turtle to David, she will be offended.  I mean, come on, Satan would be offended to be compared to David Beador.  But hey, if the forked tail fits…

The girls wonder if Emily is in a bad marriage?

Tamra and Vicki go in for Micro blading- aka permanent make-up.  MisRed had it done.  It hurt.   Vicki says she and Tamra are getting their brows done “as a friendship thing.”  Like friendship bracelets.  Good to see Vicki doesn’t hold grudges.

They talk about Emily and Gina and how the girls were wondering if Emily is in a bad marriage.  And then Tamra says that she went to Gina’s house and her kids were NUTS.  Climbing all over the place, hitting her and stuff.

Those kids look delightful.  Better hope Tamra doesn’t throw them in the fire. 

They show a flashback and Tamra actually tells the kid to stop hitting his mom.  Tamra can’t even imagine being a single mom all week and dealing with that.   Vicki asks if Gina is going to have more kids?  Tamra is like- how?  The husband is never there.  Vicki wants to know what the story is there- Tamra tells Vicki that the guy works in LA and has an apartment up there that Gina has never seen.  RED FLAG. Gina doesn’t even know where it is.  RED FLAG.

See that White Tank Top?  It’s a RED FLAG.

Vicki thinks it’s bizarre, but that all marriages are different.  She says that there were a lot of red flags with Brooks, all of which she ignored, and she chose to believe him- but hearing about Gina’s situation, she says that it doesn’t sound right to her.

The Biggest, Reddest Flag in the History of Red Flags

Vicki says that Emily told her that she worked with Turtle for 3 years while he was married and the moment he got divorced he asked her to marry him and she did… on text.   Vicki is like- would you marry a guy you never dated?  Tamra is like- what if you married him and it was, like, a ¼ inch.

Vicki requested to have Blake Lively’s face tattoo’d over her own face.

Vicki says, “If he was an amazing guy and he really, really adored me and filled up my love tank, it wouldn’t matter.”  A) I love how the guy has to REALLY REALLY ADORE Vicki.  Which is impossible, btw.  B) Girl, how is he gonna fill up your love tank if he doesn’t have a hose??

Next, we go with Kelly on a date with The Milkman.  They go to a place called Sundried Tomato and yes, I totally look all of these places up online, and figure out what MisRed would eat and drink if she went there.

They go together like Chocolate and Fish Sticks

Kelly looks like she’s going to the VMAs and The Milkman looks like he is going to a fraternity party.  She met Frank, aka The Milkman at the Mayweather / McGregor fight.  And that he is trying to bring back the nostalgia of The Milkman- he actually delivers milk for a living.

Kelly says she would like for him to be her boyfriend, but he lives in New York so he’s currently “on her bench.”  Frank, the milkman, says he really needs a Diet Coke.  Kelly orders a tequila “Neat.”  The Milkman can’t believe it- he doesn’t understand how she can drink it that way??

The Milkman asks Kelly how her dating is going?  She tells him that she got rid of the spine doctor because he was too old- “He was, like, 80.”  They both say they are difficult to get along with- Kelly likes that he sets her straight.   Not sure exactly what that means, but Kelly didn’t really like it when Michael was setting her straight.  But maybe she has a type- lunatics?

He says she needs to take it down a notch and that she needs to chill on certain things otherwise she’s going to be alone her whole life.  Kelly interviews that she won’t be alone, because, Hello, look at her.

Apparently ,the Milkman ate Mexican Food three days in a row in Las Vegas.  Really?  This is their conversation?  The Milkman loves Mexican food.

Fried Shrimp, Boiled Shrimp, Pineapple Shrimp, Lemon Shrimp, Coconut Shrimp…

Then he lists all of the Mexican food he loves…

• Refried Beans
• Guacamole
• Sour Cream
• Chilaquilies
• Tamale
• Ceviche
• Al pastor
• Enchilada
• Tostada
• Pozole
• Salsa
• Mole
• Huevos Rancheros
• Nachos
• Quesadilla
• Taco
• Chile Relleno
• Chimichanga
• Burrito
• Carne asada
• Pico de gallo
• Chalupa
• Taquito
• Empanada
• Gordita

Kelly interviews “Right now, I’m all about the thrills, not about the bills.”  After that convo MisRed needs some Advils.  Tee hee I made a rhyme.

Over at Shannon’s, she is in bed with the sexiest man alive:  ARCHIE!!!!

He never calls me a fat f*cking bitch.

She loves on him a little- not enough in MisRed’s opinion.  Shannon asks Archie for his opinion on her outfits for her divorce proceeding?  Of course, he puts her in something fierce because he’s da man, and he KNOWS she’s having a make it work moment.

Things are really shaping up in Shannon’s room, aren’t they?

As an aside, I’m so glad Shannon has Archie.  She needs some unconditional love right now, and not that her kids don’t love her, but they are teenagers and, of course, they think she is slightly ridiculous.  But not Archie because he’sagoodboy! Yesheis!

Not like this judgmental bitch. 

Shannon calls her attorney and wants to meet prior to court so she’s prepared.  She is super nervous going to court.  On her way, she calls her mom, and they chat.  Shannon just wants to get this over with- but she’s scared because her lawyer wrote a declaration and she knows that some of the stuff in there will set David off.  She feels like she’s walking into the unknown.  Her Mom tells Shannon to ask her attorney to walk her to her car.  Wow.  Mom must really not trust David.  Frankly, I wouldn’t either.  And it’s not a bad idea.

The man helping Shannon lose 180lbs.

Before court, Shannon meets with Ben, her lawyer.  Previously, the lawyer met with David in an attempt to settle the case, but David said no, and he’s now representing himself.  Well, you know what they say about someone who represents themselves in court…  David wants to pay expenses and not pay support.

Shannon just thinks this is another way for David to try to control her and MisRed agrees.  This a-hole wants to leave Shannon beholden to him and then he will pick and choose what expenses he covers based on her “behavior.”  Will that work for Shannon?  NOPE.

Ben says that David isn’t very fond of him- well that’s a big surprise, isn’t it?  Something tells me David doesn’t like anyone he can’t screw- literally or figuratively.

Shannon just wants to feel the weight lifted off her shoulders, but she feels like this hearing is just going to make things worse.

Shannon’s side of the story in two bankers boxes.

Three hours later, Shannon and Ben emerge from court and Ben congratulates Shannon.   Shannon says that it was emotional and scary.

Winner Winner Low Cal, but flavorful, Chicken Dinner!

Shannon gets in her car. She is uneasy and emotional.  She calls Tamra- She says she doesn’t even have words for what happened in court.  Her nerves are shot, but the Judge ordered David to pay Shannon $30,000 a month.  She says that David is PISSED.  She says she was in the hallway talking to her attorney and David came around the corner and flipped his wig- and the attorney had to scream for the Bailiff.

Shannon thought the figure of $30k a month was too high, so she wanted to lower it “to be nice.”  And they went back into the court and David was shaking in anger.

They settled on $22,500 because that’s what Shannon needs at this point.    SHANNON!!!! WTF?!?!!  She should have gone with the $30k and then put that additional $$ aside as a savings- you know, in case she needs to go into witness protection or something.   Call it the ASSHOLE FEE.

Shannon knows that if anything she was being fair by cutting down the order.  She just wants David out of her life.  Tamra says that’s not going to happen for a long time, unfortunately.

On that note, MisRed really wants Shannon’s food line to succeed so she can get out from under that smelly sack.

Shannon Beador, BEFORE and AFTER David!!!

Okay, MisRed understands that divorce is very emotional, and it can make people really angry.  What I don’t understand is, exactly why David is so pissed?  He cheated on Shannon- multiple times (allegedly), he was not happy with her (factually), Shannon did not work, she stayed home and raised his kids, that was the agreed-upon set-up- so we assume.  Why exactly is he unwilling to settle? Yes, I know parting with $$ hurts, but come on Dude, it’s not like you are innocent in all of this.  Neither is Shannon, mind, but being a crazy loon isn’t grounds for divorce in California- then again, neither is infidelity.

We really should have Emily weigh in on this… she’s a lawyer, you know.

Vicki’s birthday is coming up and she reminds Steve.  UGH, you know Vicki is one of those people who continuously reminds everyone about her birthday to the point of annoyance.

Is anyone else getting a Joan Crawford vibe?
Wrong color hair… well not at the roots…

She interviews that she wants and engagement ring.  The girls go golfing.

Gina and Emily argue about The Turtle.  And… so do Tamra and Shannon.   The beginnings of Tamra turning on Shannon.

They really should call this RHOBV- because this is BORESVILLE.  What do you guys think?  I mean, I have zero interest in Gina Emily.  See?!?!?  Can we just call them both Gina?   My only REMOTE interest is in Turtle and it’s only because I want to punch him in the face and bust out those chicklet teeth of his. Gina (Emily Gina) is about as exciting as watching mold grow on one of Archie’s turds.  Piggy was more exciting.  Gina (actual Gina, not Emily), I think, so far, is a good addition.  Vicki can go, I’m done with her.  Steve is playing her and she is beyond redemption.  And honestly, Tammy Sue can go, at this point, too.   I could go for a little Heather Claw-Hand redux or, Jesus, I can’t even believe I’m going to say this, Alexis.  We would need The Chin back too though because we need a good villain and the Turtle ain’t cutting it.  You know I love to hear your comments.  xoxox

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Hello Trashies, this is an unexpected and wonderful surprise to be granted the Shahs recaps. This was the series I first auditioned with and definitely one of my favorite Bravo series. Admittedly only because listening to Ronnie do his Reza impression on Crappens makes me giggle uncontrollably.

You are probably wondering where the first two episodes are? Well, this was a late assignment, so we are going to speed through the first and second episode then full on recap the third episode that just aired but before we begin we need to talk about the cast photo.

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THIS PICTURE!?!?!?!?!?!??!

We begin this season with MJ and Reza telling us everything that has changed, namely Asa and her caftans are out. MJ says her relationship with Reza has never been better.

And the winner of Who Wants to Be Reza’s Main Hag is………………….

GG is still GG but now she is a soon divorcee with a giant diamond and those are FOREVER. Mike is a new man living in a real man’s house. Destiney is still a wonderful ray of sunshine! Wisely, Sherv realized that it is better to be a friend of on this show than be subjected to the ridicule of wading in Cheetos.

They are all heading to be Big Bear and since there are no five-star hotels and Rob’s house wasn’t available on Airbnb they will be slumming it at a rented house with chef making it five starish. It’s a lot of wandering around to pick out rooms with Mike letting us know what Romcom’s are really all about.

Just in case you were wondering, Mike is still gross

MJ and Reza are sleeping together, which is all fine and good until GG shows up and acts like it’s weird because they once had sex when they were teenagers. MJ makes a crack about calling Tommy to ask his permission and GG for some reason thinks she is being serious. She says that if her and Shervin have to share a bed tomorrow she doesn’t feel like she has to let Shalom, her “husband” who doesn’t return her calls, know.

The next day Neema and Mona arrive. After skiing and grossing out the new brother sister duo with their eating habits. Reza announces that Mike and GG are going on a double date with Mona and Neema respectively. Allegedly, Mike has been dating Mona or talking to her, but I don’t buy it at all. Most of her parts seem original and Mike isn’t really into organic. Also, when she meets Shervin, she gives him the legit up and down.

Now, I know there has been a lot of chatter about how weird Neema and Mona are together and their sexual vibe. But they just seem like relatives who don’t know each other that well and so their vibe isn’t like that of a typical brother/sister. So, I will let Destiney do the side-eye for me.

GG makes it a big deal about her and Mike fucking once to Sherv and says she feels weird flirting in front of him because he so close to Shalom. Uh huh sure, because we all know how bothered Mike is about people cheating in relationships. I am not buying it at all. Especially because at dinner Mike acts like he could care less about Mona and mean mugs Neema the whole time. You know what; Mike and GG should just get married, make babies and have an open marriage.

MJ has a heart to heart talk with Destiney about opening up her heart and putting herself out there with a good Tinder profile. Then later while in bed she asks Reza to be her man of honor.

When the foursome returns Mike tries his hardest to put Mona in her place for her “philosophies”, but she isn’t the plastic barbies he is used to dealing with, she is smart and DGOF.

I love Mona, she is awesome

Reza says that if woman does not automatically find Mike amazing it is a blow to his ego and Mona just isn’t that girl.

The night ends with Neema hot on GG’s trail, saying she has an irrational hold on him that only his ex-wife had on him. I think Neema is a nerd who likes crazy and looks like the missing Persian Gunn Brother. He’s too sweet for GG but maybe this is the kind of man she should make babies with, because her kids will need one normal parent when she gets banned from the school grounds after fashioning a shiv out of ruler and threatening a teacher/PTA parent/principal. But it’s a kiss and miss with the promise of a friendly dinner back in LA.

The next morning GG tries out the Merriam Webster’s word of the day and announces that Sherv’s cologne is plagiarizing. Boobs out and trying to sound smart… someone is trying to impress a boy.

Hopefully not Sherv because he looks a little grossed out by her breasts 

As everyone prepares to leave Reza and MJ decide to announce that Reza will be her man of honor. GG takes this special moment to ask them how Tommy feels about her having a man of honor that has had his dick inside of MJ. GG looksperfectly pleased with herself as MJ threatens to kick her out of the bridal party or not invite her to the wedding at all. As she walks out with Shervin declares that GG got the response she wanted from everyone and she is happy.

Because if I didn’t have my sham of a marriage to cry about what else would my storyline be… I have already used arthritis, my deafness, acting, trying to beat my sister’s ass, alienating my family and my own hair extensions

Back in LA, MJ is getting in bridal shape with Craig of Newlyweds fame. He is adorable and props to MJ because she is looking better, and I love Craig’s training techniques.

After a jog back to her fabulous new house, she is greeted by Vida and Tommy wedding planning.

Later MJ meets Destiney to buy wholesale candy and see how the Tinder love search is going. After reviewing the photos, she posted and tells her she is too covered. She needs something that is going to capture a man’s attention like she did with Tommy.

Destiney cracks me up because she is all of us when we are single and says she isn’t picky but frankly has a lot of deal breakers that totally legit.

At Mike’s real man house Reza comes by to see how it is coming along because he is the project manager for the renovation and it is not going well. Reza has a moment to yell at the crew and complain that Mike can’t even pick out a mailbox without help. He’s so worked up that he is sweating profusely.

The best part of Mike’s house

At Destiney’s house her and GG are leaving for a girl’s night out. GG is still talking about why she had to go so hard after MJ because she disrespected her, and she is not taking shit lying down like she has done in the past. Thankfully the producers backed this up with a montage of LochNessa’s greatest hits.

The bar is dead and there are no single guys. But thankfully the guys are having a guy’s night and they decide to call girls.

And GG “accidentally” shows her boobs on Facetime

These going out times were pretty boring aside from the girls letting Mona know her and Neema’s brother sister vibe is weird. Then the guys stuck Neema with the entire restaurant bill…

Vida accompanies MJ to the fertility doctor, a guy that they have all gone to high school with and has made many appearances on Shahs. Although his face is probably only a few years old. Vida is all Vida at the appointment and the doctor encourages Vida to be a positive force in Mercedes life rather than you know herself.

At the succulent store Mike and Reza meet up to look at expensive store stuff and then go buy at the cheaper Persian store. Ancient Persian shopping secret. Mike wants an avocado tree, so he doesn’t have to pay extra for guacamole anymore. But the most important part of this scene is learning about his newest soulmate…. Morgan.

She looks like she could be his ex-wife Jessica’s little sister

She’s pretty, smart … she like she found these amazing fichus hedge for his house and they share the same philosophies. TRUE LOVE! Reza points out that fichus hedges are everywhere and she didn’t “find” him anything. Also, she is very young and not the kind of girl that his mom wants for him.

Truer words have never be spoken 

Finally, it’s time for MJ’s LOVE party! Destiney is furiously running around to get things in order before everyone arrives when MJ arrives wearing a dress defying gravity and logic. Adam is also on hand to notice the brother/sister love duo and recites the line Reza gave him. GG arrives with the man she wants to be her boyfriend Sherv and Mike who brought Morgan.

She also reminds us that she suffers from the deafness

Inside Mona meets Morgan without any drama and Neema zeroes in on GG. She says she is nervous because its Valentine’s Day and she is afraid any day now some random girl is going to call her about GG trying to get in on her man because apparentely in GG’s head that something that grown women do.

Sammy from season one shows up.

Vida thinks that she is only one who notices that the Drag Queen is a man as Destiney gathers everyone for an announcement. MJ not only announces her wedding date but also her man of honor, Reza and her bridesmen Craig and Brandon. GG and Adam handle the news extremely well as they shout at her and make faces.

GG cannot believe that she chooses these people who are new friends and part of her glam squad, so they are paid to kiss her ass, but she gets it… they aren’t competition.

Vida and MJ take moment to talk and somehow Vida is back on not being sure if Tommy is right for MJ. She is excited for the wedding, but she isn’t 100% sure about Tommy as a husband. I didn’t get this scene and seemed out of place. I mean the man is sitting with her dad who is dying as they are filming this scene…. That is LOVE.

GG is doing her best to Adam riled up about being left out of the bridal party. Reza gets all pissed that GG is trying to fuck with his relationship and goes to tell MJ how extra they are being. Then they decide to get on stage and point out to GG that Shalom’s other ex-wife is also in the house.

GG storms out of the party, insisting that Shervin take her home. Reza and his sneaker lifts come to talk to her and report immediately back to MJ the bear has been poked and its time make up now. MJ goes to have a one on one with GG but when she does GG just laughs and MJ leaves frustrated.

OK episode 3 recap coming next!

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Hello, my lovelies, lets dig in on episode three.

MJ arrives at Reza’s new house in her best construction attire with a picnic lunch to hash over the details of her Valentine’s Day party.

Its all happening

Apparently, the party got a lot crazier than what we saw because they all got naked wasted. Allegedly they got so wasted MJ and Reza don’t even remember pointing out Shalom’s ex-wife to GG on stage in front of everyone. I am so sure! MJ says that when GG was with Shalom she was a better, happy person but now that it is all falling apart she is having a hard time being happy for anyone else. Well at least she has that giant diamond ring, to cuddle with at night.

Speaking of the devil she is really committing to her divorce storyline by going and getting her Shalom tattoo removed at LaserAway with Dr. Kirby. GG loves tattoos and we get to see a montage of them along with all her original noses. But this one she wants to get taken off. Corey the nurse tries to get to GG’s motivation getting it removed and GG all of a sudden isn’t so sure because she loves the meaning. Destiney arrives for moral support and remind her why she is getting it removed in the first place.

She was even able to work her ring into the removal

Nema and Mona got to dinner to discuss the cheating on his girlfriend situation.

What?

I have high hopes for these two because so few are able to make it who aren’t part of the OG clique and they need new blood. Who knows maybe they will even get them to eat a salad or two. Mona gives it to Nema straight that she is bothered by his behavior because as a woman she knows what he is doing isn’t right and also, she loves Erica.

What’s not to love, the girl is adorable

At Reza’s he is prepping Tini for a playdate walk with one of Mike’s dogs.  Poor Tini is getting a stern talking to about playing nice with others. However his recent bad behavior at the dog park got his dad introduced to hair care product moguls. Jeff Lewis has Chaz Dean and now Reza has the Funsches.

Was the Californians skit based on them?

Basically, she used that old pick up line, “You have great hair, want to invest?” So, now Reza is thinking of investing his entire retirement portfolio into their company. But Adam’s uterus is yearning for a child and at 60K a pop that is no pocket change either, it’s supposed to be their next big investment. Reza is thinking of just doing it and NOT telling Adam until I guess they move into a mansion. Mike thinks that is a mistake and he should know he is a relationship expert now. He once kept the secret of cheating on his wife and look how that worked out for him.

At MJ’s house she is poisoning everyone with her aerosol glass cleaner on the champagne flutes, so they are spotless before they sip. She is working with her assistant and wedding planner to get the wedding done. MJ is using a streaming service to talk to her florist and cake artist to iron out the final details. You know what I don’t hate it at all. Wedding planning and going to all kind of meetings to talk about small details sucks so good on her and even better if she got some kickback from Bluprint.

Of all the people in the world I would have never expected MJ to want to be a fairy wood nymph at her wedding

Nema and Erica go on a hike and as they get there he tells her she works too much and he just wants to spend time with her. Erica says that even when he does do things for her he complains the whole time.

But I also met this crazy hot chick who is going chew me up and spit me out ….and I can’t wait to see where that goes

This guy is in a world of hurt when he sees GG boiling

Erica is very upfront about being disappointed in Nema who tells her she just has the misfortune of being the rebound from his marriage. His ex-wife is already married to the man she was cheating on him with and compounded with the way his parents “Parent Trapped” him, he has a lot of stuff to work out.

I have issues

Nema also does not see kids in his future, yet I am fairly certain he was offering baby batter to GG at Big Bear. Erica is done.

MJ visits her dad who is stable. He has had pneumonia and she is hopeful he is on the way to getting better. You guys I covered RHONJ when Teresa’s mother passed from the same symptoms, this is going to be sad.

Destiney is on her way to a date with a friend of MJ’s she met at the Valentine’s Day party. When Alex asked for her number she was reluctant and would only give it to him if he promised not to send her weird texts of dick pics, fair enough. She calls her mom and talks about her dad some more and the pain she feels without him in her life.

Destiney says that they came to the United States together, but he had to go back to Iran and deal with stuff and never returned. You guys, I am starting to think that it may not be an issue of him leaving his family, he may have been killed in his journeys. Nevertheless, his absence has definitely affected Destiney.

Destiney’s date is hot, and it seems to go pretty well. He is Iraqi, and his family suffered a similar fate as hers being separated by war. Hopefully his pepito it bigger than hers because they seemed like they were connecting on a lot of levels.

GG and Sherv go out to The Study for bottle service and good times. As soon as they order GG starts to bitch about MJ and Sherv tells her to just try and rise above it all instead of letting it get to her. But GG needs drama like most people need oxygen so that logic isn’t part thought process.

I know right

One by one all kinds of random friends start to gather including Nema, Mona and Mike.

Or everyone who wants to get screen time knew where they were filming tonight

A pervy old guy named Uncle Fred is trying to get in GG’s pants and she is loving it while Nema tells him there is line. Mike asks about Nema’s girlfriend and he lets it be known that it is over albeit far more dramatically than what actually went down.

So wise

At Reza’s house he shows everyone how masculine he truly is by chopping down flowering bushes. Adam comes by to remind him that his biological clock is ticking. Also, Reza won’t let him have a bigger closet because he isn’t paying for any of this renovation. Fun fact, Reza sold the Palm Springs house for this, so they won’t be returning to terrorize Palm Springs anymore.

Nema moves out of his place he shared with Erica to his place in Venice, which according to LA people is far.

At Mike’s house Morgan is waiting for him to come home with a truck. They are going to be handing out blankets and socks to the homeless. Since MJ and GG are not getting along they are not allowed to come. Nema explains that Persians are very philanthropic because in Iran they were living comfortably in a western culture until everything was turned upside down on them and many of them had to leave. So, they understand hardship and struggle. That’s so Persian!

I love that Reza is dangling socks at this person like I do treats for my cat

In the Meditation Garden GG shows up in her completely necessary extended cab pickup, you know for when she is checking her fields and driving on back country roads. Her attire can only described as “ready to rumble chic”. While MJ hobbles down the stairs in inappropriate heels for walking on gravel and another jumpsuit. I am loving her dedication to Rhythm Nation attire, very militant bride.

MJ starts by trying to explain that GG hurt her by her comments about having sex with Reza. GG starts laughing and thus is my issue with GG. MJ is not saint, but GG is spoiled brat who thinks it is her duty to “PUNISH” anyone she deems does her wrong also I think the crazy thing is in an act. Everyone I have ever met like her antagonizes and barks loud but really tries to get the other person to strike first so they can be the victim and claim assault.

But GG is upset by MJ bringing up Shalom’s ex and MJ is right, why is she so upset by his past. GG thinks she is doing everything to move on from Shalom, but MJ WON’T let her. HAHAHHAHAHAHA yeah ok.

GG threatens to shit on everything in MJ’s life in the next couple of months. MJ starts texting on her phone and ignoring her as GG gets crazier and starts throwing flowers at her, telling her lets go.

Exhibit A

Basically, they were both hurt by each other’s bitchy comments. MJ points out that they both think they are being funny when they say those things so what they need to do is call each other out when it happens and not letting it fester. Also, maybe they can do something about her sideburns because they are orange.

Ok episode 4 is tonight and it looks like it’s going to tear filled!

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MisRed is flying on a Jovani high!!!! How about you guys?  Off the bat, let me state, you know, for the record, the annals of TrashTalkTV history, that MisRed hates recapping reunions.  They take forever and nothing really happens, they are dialogue heavy, blah blah blah.

So we open at the ballroom at Cipriani.  Remember when Sonja got all pissed off at Cindy Barshop for promising to take her to Cipriani and then bagging out on her because she (Cindy) broke her tooth.  And Sonja just COULDN’T BELIEVE that Cindy would go to the dentist instead of taking her to Cipriani.   The nerve.

You mean to tell me your tooth is more important than my String Beans Salad with Cherry Tomato and Cacciocavallo Cheese?

By the way, do you know where else they have a Cipriani???

Ibiza, bitch!!

We start backstage where the gals are getting all spackeled and painted.  I think I saw some scaffolding being put up around Sonja’s hair… someone from Priv wielding a putty knife being recklessly.

Mid-Rennovation

Did Dorinda’s eyeball fall out last night?

Igotshankedlastnight. Butdon’tworryaboutit. Ijusttapedmyeyeballbackin.

Why does she have scotch tape on her eye?

Bethenny makes a Game of Thrones reference about going up against Blondes.

Yeah, so whatsgoingon with that little guy and that chick that walks naked in the street while people pelt her with cabbage?

Do we think Bethenny actually watches Game of Thrones?  Or do we think her Brand Manager just gives her an update weekly?

The ladies start to join Andy on stage one by one. Um, Dorinda?  Your hair…

Ramona hands her phone to Andy… it’s Mario.

Yeah, so, why are you calling this old bag of bones?  Call me, boo.

Why does Ramona even still talk to Mehhhhhrrrrrrrio?

Carole comes out and greets her peeps saying “The Dream Team!!”  Rut Roh.  These ones have compared notes… and had them. laminated.

In LuAnn’s absence they got a new snatch guard at Pier One.

Sonja’s twat will probably fall out in that dress.

Ramona addresses the camera man as “Hello, Cameraman. This bruise is showing up on camera…”  Why does Ramona have a bruise?  Did something happen with her Anti-Skincare line?  We never get to the bottom of it.  I feel like if someone bitch-slapped Ramons, we really should be informed, like IMMEDIATELY.  They decide to swap couches so Ramona Balboa’s bruised cheek won’t show.  Then Ramona needs someone to move her water and purse.  Oy vey with this one.

What is living in Sonja’s hair?

The cameras roll and Andy says her normal greetings.  Although he doesn’t ask about anyone’s breasts which is really off-putting, as Andy is normally a total pig.

Reminds me of an Oreo. 

He addresses the issue of LuAnn not being in attendance, because she was afraid to answer for her actions this year and didn’t want to talk about her kids, Ictoria and NoWell suing her.

Then Carole’s phone pings – she says she thought she turned it off.  Andy gives Carole such a look- you would have thought Carole flushed Andy’s weed down the toilet.

You take my weed?

Andy asks if Bethenny is loving her apartment and she says she and Brynn are so happy there.  Until next season when they will need someplace that feels more like home because this place reminds her of Dennis or something.

We learn Ramona’s apartment is on the market, and she is downsizing.  Dorinda is like “Yeahwhowantstobealandlord?”  LOL. Well, plenty of people.  But true, I can’t imagine Ramona as my landlord.  Or anyone’s landlord.  “I’m SORRRRRRY, I’m sorry, but I can’t drop everything to come over and fix the toilet.  You know what the problem is?  You don’t support other assholes.  You don’t.  If you did, you wouldn’t have broken the toilet.  CALM DOWN!!!”

Andy asks Carole about Adam.  He wants to know if they have “coffee?”   She says no.

Tinsley has new hair- straight straw. She got it two bales for $7 at Joanne.

I had a coupon.

She thought it would make her feel older and fatter- you know, like how Dale makes her feel, but it’s made her feel younger and thinner!!!  And it’s easier.  But how does Dabney feel about it?

We learn, Dorinda has started working out with a trainer 4 times a week.  Yes, his name is Tito’s.  He’s really shaking, not stirring, her into shape.  She was inspired by Carole running the Marathon.  Oh good.

Andy asks Sonja if she’s still on her raw diet?  She says that she’s “Sometimes a vegan and sometimes a pescatarian…because, I have learned, when you have oysters when you’re eating vegetables, you’re not vegan.  You’re not even a vegetarian.”

And sometimes I’m a slut who takes it up the butt from a Johnny Depp impersonator. 

Slow clap for Sonja Moran, Legacy, learning what us people with brains already knew. Congratulations Sonja, you are now, merely, a moron.

Andy wants to do a fashion review… so we get, the usual:

Lots of Monkey Fur, a lot of French Braids. Carole’s Tattoo Cat suit.  Dorinda’s Gaga Bubble dress.

New York “Fashion”

Oh, then we move to Halloween, as if that was fashion.  When Lu entered in her Diana Ross costume, to which Sonja squeals “Lu!  I knew you’d come with some kind of headdress!!!”  Um, it’s a wig Sonja.  From Party City.  And it’s ridiculous and you know, a smidge racist with her gigantic wig and blackface, but then again Lu didn’t show up to answer for this so….

Andy wants to know if anyone else, besides Carole, reacted to Lu’s Halloween Costume?  Bethenny has a litany of excuses as to why SHE didn’t react- her dog died, her grandma ate her homework. I ran out of gas! I got a flat tire! I didn’t have change for cab fare! I lost my tux at the cleaners! I locked my keys in the car! An old friend came in from out of town! Someone stole my car! There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! IT WASN’T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!

Sonja says, “Well she’s so tall.”

As usual, Sonja is in an entirely different conversation than the rest of the group. 

Therefore, she can’t be racially insensitive?  Or everyone shorter than her can’t see it?  Go eat a fish, Sonja.

Carole says that it was the darkening of the skin that was the real problem and says that it looked much darker on TV.  Maybe they OJ’d her?

#caughtupinthesystem

Dorinda is like “Did Diana ever wear her hair like that?  But Diana never wore her hair like that.”  Dorinda- completely missing the point.  LOL.  Carole repeats that Lu is tone-deaf to racial stereotypes.

Palm to face.

Well yeah, we saw that years ago when she was threatening to scalp people because she’s part Native American.

Ramona didn’t think there was anything wrong with what LuAnn did.  Ramona says she wonders if she might be tone-deaf?  LOL No, Ramona, a 60 year old woman dressing as Britney Spears, mid-seizure- in a red latex cat-suit she stole from Lip Sync Battle is totally normal.  She does reiterate what Carole said, that the bronzer Lu used looked WAY darker on TV.

Dorinda says the Afro looked ten times bigger too.  “Yeah!  Just like that Nutcracker!!”   Settle down Dorinda, we’ll get to that fight in a minute.  Just kidding. She didn’t say that- but you KNOW it’s coming.

Andy asks Carole if she has a stylist to put together her looks?  No, she doesn’t.  Well, maybe you should, honey.

Andy asks who had that best costume at the Halloween Party and who had the worst?  They all agree the Best was Dorinda.  She reveals she lost every bubble by the end of the night.  Is anyone surprised by this?  No?  Moving on.

And the Worst was Sonja.  Sonja says, “Oh I loved mine.” Yes, she got it at Walmart for $7.99.  The girls argue what nobody knew who Sonja was?!?!?!?  After all of these bitches comparing themselves to Lucy & Ethel, and they didn’t know Sonja was dressed as Lucy?!?!?  I mean, it WAS the shittiest costume, just in terms of effort.  And her “Ricky” was a hot mess.

Andy says he thinks Carole is just a secret smoker who is always looking for excuses to smoke.  Carole laughs.  She says that this year drove her to smoke.

TIME FOR BETHENNY’S CLIP PACKAGE!

We see the following scenes:  Bethenny’s Relief work in Puerto Rico.  Bobby Zarin’s Funeral.  The Nutcracker.  The Ramona Street Phone call.

BOBBY ZARIN’S FUNERAL:

At Bobby’s funeral, Bethenny was doing the charity work of attending and deigning to speak to Jill.  She says, “I couldn’t leave, I don’t know why I couldn’t leave.”  Because the cameras are there, that’s why.

Listen, I gotta go, my broom is double-parked.  I’ll text you.

We see Bethenny interrupting Jill to say that she is alone too!  Forget that your husband just died, I’m alone too.  Me. It’s all about me.  While they show the clip of Bethenny explaining that she took Bryn out of school to go to sit Shiva at Jill’s… the look on Ramona’s face in the PIP is hysterical. She looks like her eye is about to explode.   Bethenny says when she learned that Bobby died, she was in Aspen and decided to go to the funeral.

She says something here that MisRed agrees with “I will never regret going, but I will possibly regret not going.”  Good point.

Ramona jumps in and says that they got a call the Bethenny wanted to film at the funeral and that they (the other ladies) would have preferred to NOT film it.  Andy jumps in and says that it was JILL, not Bethenny, who asked to film it, and Bravo wanted to “cover it.”

Bethenny, with a shit-eating grin, thanks Ramona for jumping in when it wasn’t her business.  Ramona says that it WAS her business and Bethenny, smiling evilly, is like “They were filming ME.”

Nobody is interested in you when I’m around.

See, this is the stuff I hate with Bethenny.  Yes, Ramona is annoying and an insignificant turd on Planet Bethenny. And most of the time she doesn’t know what she’s talking about and she’s going at Bethenny, for sure.  But Bethenny could have let Andy handle it instead of acting like a total c*nt.

Ramona says that she saw Bethenny talking to Jill inside the service.  But when they were outside, and the cameras were there, that Bethenny jumped out of the car and rushed up to Jill “to be on camera.”

Eh, that’s not really how it looked on camera.

Andy, who is, clearly, one of Bethenny’s soldiers at this point says “Good.  Because I wanted to see that.”  Sonja chimes in that it was a beautiful moment.  Says the woman whose entire life is a purposeful “wardrobe malfunction.”  Dorinda rolls her eyes.

Bethenny goes on to say that Bobby never said “no” to Jill, but he refused to fix things between Jill & Bethenny- because it was Jill’s mistake.  Who knows if he even could have? Bethenny put those walls up.  But she says, in the end, Bobby did fix it because his funeral got Bethenny to Jill’s house.

LOL.  Ok, I see what she’s saying.  Yes, in the end Bobby’s death brought she and Jill together.  But it’s almost like she’s saying that Bobby took a bullet to save their friendship.  LOL.

Ramona recalls, prompted by Andy, and at the cresting moment of her Xanax “high” or “low” whatever you call it, she tried to bring Bethenny and Jill back together waaaaaay back in Season 3.  We get a flashback of Ramona and Lu trying to stage a reunion.  There’s statement necklaces and old chins, it’s like opening a time capsule.  Ramona has been renewed 5 times since then.

Ramona calls Bethenny attending “opportunistic” for attending the funeral and she didn’t think it was genuine.  Sonja says that this isn’t how Jill feels.   Ramona says that she doesn’t think you use someone’s death “to do this.”  Sonja maintains “I was standing there too.  I didn’t see any of that.”  Wow.  Sonja is so far up Bethenny’s ass she could make Bethenny’s mouth move like a puppet.

Bethenny jumps in, saying that Jill is happy, and it made Jill happy – to have Bethenny at the funeral?  To, potentially, be back in Bravo’s good graces?  To have finally grown out those bangs?

Then Dorinda, the sniper from the side, chimes in that Jill is doing great and she is so happy and doing well and they had lunch, then says,  “Oh, did you have lunch with her Bethenny?  You didn’t want to, so I guess, no cameras.”

BOOM

Carole is like- that makes sense.  Andy asks Bethenny if she’s spoken to Jill since sitting Shiva?  Bethenny says they have only texted, not spoken.  Bobby’s death brought them together for that moment and Jill is really making an effort and Bethenny is just dipping her toe back into that friendship.

Then Ramona, in a move only seen at Cirque de Soleil- l’édition porno, starts kissing her own ass.  She says that she and Jill had had a major blow-out, but when she learned that Bobby was in the hospital she knew she had to visit and make amends, because she knew it was the right thing to do.  And they had a very heartfelt talk.

Andy says that Jill texted him that very day and said that she is dating a guy who used to date Ramona.  Ramona says she had four dates with him.

Sonja doesn’t want to hear that she missed a penis sampling opportunity.

Ramona has dated every dude in NYC.  I guess, Ramona, at least, gets dinner out of them- unlike Sonja.

MisRed has a few things to say about this segment.  Firstly, I think filming at a funeral is tacky.  What’s even tackier is someone REQUESTING cameras be at their spouse’s funeral.  So, in MisRed’s opinion, Jill is the opportunistic party here.  Yes, I think Bethenny was putting it on, to some degree, for the cameras- but she did fly home from Aspen to attend the funeral.  She was not obligated to do so. And she did speak about not wanting to regret missing it because of her love for Bobby.  Was Jill asking for the cameras?  Who knows the motivation.  Bobby was sick for a long time, maybe she wanted it to be more a celebration of his life and not about the sadness of his death?  Maybe Jill saw this as a way to get back with Bethenny or maybe open the door to her return.  MisRed can’t be in Jill’s head- frankly, MisRed doesn’t even want to be in MisRed’s head most of the time…. But it did open a door.  I’m more team Ramona in that- when it came out that Bobby was sick- and it was PUBLIC information- Bethenny, if she truly loved Bobby as she said she did, should have gone to the hospital and visited with him.  Jill didn’t need to be involved but maybe if she was, the door could have been opened at that point and this whole debate would be moot, and this reunion would have only been 25 parts instead of 26…

Frankly, I think it would be interesting to have Jill back.  I know a lot of people don’t want that.  Maybe not as a full-time cast member, but maybe a FOL (Friend of Lu, or Ramona or Dorinda or Pamona or something.).  I think it would be interesting to see the dynamic between Bethenny and Jill NOW.

I’m speaking on behalf of my friend, Pamona.

Regardless of what anyone says, Bethenny has changed, and she has become even more guarded and caustic over the years.  Jill is the only person we’ve seen her truly bond with.  Yes, it was blown to holy hell but I think it would be interesting to see a redux. THAT’S MY OPINION, OKAAAAAAAY?

BETHENNY’S RELIEF EFFORTS:

Moving on to Bethenny’s relief efforts, seriously, she should apply some of those efforts to her own life, at this point, God bless her.  If there was anyone in need of a little self-care, it’s Bethenny.   No one can really fault Bethenny in this- she really was – I think- only doing good things.

Andy asked her why she got involved?  She says that when she came to Houston (where MisRed lives- GO TEXANS- just kidding MisRed doesn’t even follow Basketball), she thought that the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey was the worst thing she’s ever seen.  Then she went to Mexico and then Puerto Rico and she felt moved and compelled to help.  She thanks Tinsley for being the first really big donor, she thanks everyone- and even though she says they all  hate her- it was kind of them to donate, although she does add the caveat thanking Carole for donating AFTER the Marathon.  Carole says that nobody hates Bethenny. Then there is an argument over who dislikes Bethenny.  This is so stupid.

Ramona chimes in with “You create animosity among us.”  Bethenny swats her away like a mosquito.   Ramona isn’t entirely wrong.  The vibe does totally change when Bethenny isn’t feeling it- you can everyone’s assholes shrink when Bethenny is in a mood.

Dorinda says to Bethenny, “We support you in ALL causes.”

She has a point.

Ramona continues, “You just don’t support us.  You don’t like to engage us or compliment us. Even on your interviews, you knock each and every one of us. You never say anything positive, and it’s really, really upsetting to all of us. And if we say one little thing negative about you …”

Then Ramona puts on a puppet show and really loses us.   She did have a point.

Bethenny says “Think about the Brooklyn Bridge, think about what you said at Dorinda’s house.  Think about all of the things you have said to me.”

The Answer is:  The Truth

Cut to flashback of Ramon-ac The Magnificent, in a tan velour track suit, on the Brooklyn Bridge in 2010 saying Bethenny has no friends and will be alone for the rest of her life and even though she has Jason at the moment, she will screw that up too.

You are an unlovable street urchin, like Annie, but not as talented with the singing.

And then her telling Bethenny, in the Hamptons, I think, that she has been in the press doing soft porn. (?) Then to them fighting at Dorinda’s about how Ramona made her own money and how Bethenny spreads her legs for money.  WOW.  Ramona really has had some doozies, huh?

Bethenny says Ramona has always been nasty.  Ramona denies it but then tells Bethenny how awful she is and that she’s a mean girl and a bully.   Bethenny says that she doesn’t want to talk to Ramona.  Carole says that is condescending.  And a little argument erupts that everyone thinks Bethenny is a bully- everyone except Sonja who Ramona calls “a puppy,” I think she means “a lapdog.”

Ramona had a good point and was actually articulating it well- but then she went too far.  She is right- Bethenny expects support but doesn’t always give it in return.  And she has said unkind things about everyone in her interviews.  Yes, a lot of it was for comedic affect, but there is truth in every joke- Bethenny said so herself.

By the same token, MisRed can understand how Bethenny would be over Ramona.  Ramona has said some mean things to Bethenny, but A LOT of it was reactionary- in the heat of battle.  But… it all comes back to the Brooklyn Bridge.  THAT was NOT in battle, and 8 years later, we are still going back to that scene.  Why?  A) Because it was real.  B) Even though it was tough, it was Ramona’s version of “tough love” for Bethenny  C) Ramona was RIGHT.   Sad, but she was.

THE NUTCRACKER:

Yassssss Girl!!! Crack my nuts!!!!

Over the upfront clip with the Nutcracker arriving at Bethenny’s apartment, Bethenny disputes that Dorinda found the Nutcracker- so let’s see what shakes out of this?   And Sonja, clearly, thinks Dorinda is ridiculous for wanting a “Thank you,” prompts Dorinda to “whisper” to Sonja “Keep kissing her ass.”

Andy says that Dorinda went to great trouble to find The Nutcracker.  Dorinda agrees.  Andy says that the Nutcracker arrives and Bethenny freaks out for 20 minutes, and in the midst of this freak-out, Dorinda is not “directly appreciated.”

Dorinda says it’s not even that, it’s that Bethenny acted as if SHE found the Nutcracker.  Bethenny says that what Dorinda is saying is not true.  Dorinda says that Bethenny said that “her people” found it.  Well maybe Bethenny considers Dorinda to be one of her people?

Andy asks Bethenny for her response.  She says that she asked Dorinda if she knew anyone who could help get the Nutcracker, and Dorinda said she did and called this person from the Berkshires.  Bethenny says that the guy said, “I got it.”  The other women dispute this, saying that the guy, had to search for it.   Dorinda, Carole and Ramona all erupt saying that what Bethenny said is a lie.

Andy, apparently Bethenny slipped him some cash or a hot Twink, starts yelling back, pounding on the arm of his chair yelling “I want to hear her f*cking answer, and then you can respond!!”

Take a Xanax. Calm down.

Bethenny says that Dorinda put the two of them on a text- and she has the text.  So net/net the guy found it.  Bethenny says she texted Dorinda many times thanking her, sent her the video of Bryn who was so excited, and then we get down to the brass tacks:

Dorinda says, “I’m sure you did off-camera.”   Ok, so Dorinda was mad that the thank you was off-camera.  Ok, MisRed stands corrected, but in fairness, I only see what they show me.

Dorinda says that the thank you(s) were off camera, but the PERFORMANCE was on camera.  Bethenny asks why is it about Dorinda and not about Bryn?  Dorinda says that Bethenny should have been gracious, and Bethenny says she was.

Ok, MisRed, for one, would have LOVED to have seen that video of Bryn.  I understand VoldeHoppy won’t let it be shown, so whatever.  I still think Bethenny could have thanked Dorinda IN THE MOMENT.  But this is, really, one of the more stupid arguments, and frankly if I never see a Nutcracker again… or a nut… or a cracker… it will be too soon.

RAMONA STREET PHONE CALL / COCO’S NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE:

Moving onto Bethenny’s next transgression.  Julie from Cincinnati – oooh, MisRed loves herself a 3way from Skyline Chili- wants to know why Bethenny was so condescending about Ramona’s skincare line?  And it seems like Bethenny really didn’t support the other women in their ventures this year.

I’m here, on the phone, and my dog is about to be killed.
You don’t support other dogs living in New York.

Andy says that it’s IRONIC given the fact that there is so much SkinnyGirl talk (shilling) going on all the time, what is Bethenny’s response?

Bethenny says that since the show has begun there has been Tru Renewal, True Faith, Wine, Hair Extensions, a restaurant that never existed…

Speaking of businesses, Sonja is resetting the EZ pass on her vag

Ramona responds, “What about your chocolate and your bologna?”  Carole chimes in too.

Bethenny says that Ramona is now, feverishly, looking for a lab to create her formulas because they don’t exist yet.

THAT I can believe because her website is not working, and it was supposed to have launched months ago.  Ramona- call me, I’ll hook you up with someone who can make your goop.

Then Bethenny says “Ramona criticizes Sonja for having fake businesses…”  Ramona nearly catapults herself onto Bethenny like Nacho Libre saying- YOU DID!!!!  And then all of the other women join in that Bethenny is the one that called Sonja a FRAUD.

Fraud, slut, cheater

Cut to flashback to 2016 Bethenny telling Sonja “I think you are a fraud because you’ve come up with six fake businesses, and no one buys any of it; it’s all bullsh*t.”

They are all like- BETHENNY IS A LIAR!!!!!  Sonja sits there saying that it was the girls that made Bethenny believe that Sonja’s businesses weren’t real.  But she showed Bethenny online that her ventures were real.

Does Sonja actually listen to herself?

Yeah, because everything on the internet is 100% true.

Sonja, what made, Bethenny think that your businesses weren’t real is the fact that your businesses aren’t real.  I’ve yet to see one product come from that Nigerian Football Team!  NOT ONE!!!

Sonja continues to suckle at the teat- saying that these women have been stirring the pot about her with Bethenny for years.  ????  They have??  Bethenny says that Sonja, now, has actual products.

Dorinda says “Makeasandwichinyourtoasteroven.”  LOL

Bethenny says that it’s unfair for Ramona to pretend to women around the country that it’s so easy to just get these hair extensions, etc, and Ramona calls herself a maven about everything, and she isn’t.   Yeah, well, we all know that Bethenny’s products don’t imply that by using them, you will be skinny, right?

Carole and Dorinda are like- Yeah, well you aren’t an expert in jeans or bologna.

Andy wants Ramona’s response.  Ramona goes on a rant about how she put herself through college, unlike Bethenny who had a rich father, who put her through college.  She had her own car, went to BU. Ramona was a buyer for Macy’s.

Bethenny is like- what does this have to do with anything?  MisRed agrees.  This is why Ramona is such a joke- her points are never correlated to the actual ARGUMENT TOPIC or just when she has you with something, somewhat, lucid, she goes off on a tangent.

Andy is like- what is the status of your skin care?  Ramona says she is finalizing the formulations.  Bethenny adds “And looking for someone to create them.”

Ramona claps back that at 37 years old she had over a million dollars in the bank and already had two homes.  Ramona then stand up… yikes… and asks why Bethenny can’t support her?

Bethenny is like- you’ve been terrible to me.  Sonja is like “That’s a good reason.”  SHUT UP, SONJA.  Ramona tells Bethenny to look in the mirror because Bethenny has been a total bitch and Ramona says she has supported Bethenny in everything she has done.

Sonja pipes in “You are the one who said I hate her.” SHUT UP, SONJA.

This public service brought to you by Ramona Singer.

Ramona, literally, puts her hand over Sonja’s mouth.  THANK YOU.

Ramona then goes off on a tangent about how Bethenny has no friends, and Ramona has 30 friends she could call to come help her in an instant… and now Bethenny has lost Carole.  Ramona’s diatribe continues, and she finishes with “So don’t say I’m f*cking fake with your fake tits.”

LOL.  Oh Ramones… you kill me, girl.  Bethenny just looks down at her chest and is like. Okay.  For those playing at home, Ramona has breast implants too.

Then we get to the phone call.  The phone call heard round the world- that’s right, the one where Coco almost DIED in the street… “THE You don’t support OTHER WOMEN Call.”

Bethenny says that Ramona was so happy that she and Carole were no longer friends.  Ramona says that the truth is, that she was really upset about the state of their friendship.  Ramona says again that she has 30 friends she can call who will show up tomorrow for her…

Sonja says, “The rent-a-crowd.”  SHUT UP, SONJA!?!?  What do you think you are to Bethenny??  Except you are too stupid to collect rent for it.  Oh wait, I forgot about the 5 pair of prototype jeans you got, MisRed’s bad.

Bethenny says that Ramona did not appear upset on the show about she and Carole’s friendship.  The other women say that Ramona wasn’t happy about the situation.  Ramona tells Bethenny that she doesn’t see things for how they really are- and she’s not sure what happened to make Bethenny like this.  Uh, absentee parents?  She was raised with no boundaries?  She wasn’t shown any love?  She has bad taste in men?  She married Jason Hoppy?  She hates Avocado Toast?  She has a house on the highway?  She cries in freezers?

Bethenny tells Ramona that she’s full of shit and she criticized her house.  Ramona is like- I didn’t criticize it- I just said “It’s on the highway. It IS on the highway!”  Bethenny tells her that it wasn’t an important or constructive sentence.

Oh, like, all of Bethenny’s stuff is so constructive.  Calling LuAnn a slut and a snake- was that constructive?  I mean, it’s true, but was it really constructive?

If you will recall, the real crux of the call was- Ramona mentioned that she was doing a new anti-aging skincare line and Bethenny accused Ramona of using the show to do an “info-mercial” for her products.  When that’s CLEARLY Bethenny’s thing.   SkinnyGirl Jeans, SkinnyGirl Lunch Meat, SkinnyGirl Anal Wart Remover…

Andy asks Bethenny why she didn’t engage Ramona at Lu’s Cabaret party when Ramona attacked her about not responding to her launch party?  Bethenny is like- it was Lu’s night and I didn’t want to get into it.  And she would rather say nothing than say something negative.  Uh, well, we know THAT’S not true.  Carole says – Why can’t you just say Congratulations?

Bethenny jumps on her- saying that she is talking to Ramona and Carole should stay out of it. “We will call you when we need you.”

Andy is LOVING this.

I love getting you guys worked up into a TIZZY!!!

He really is such a sick, sick man.

Bethenny says to Ramona that she, in retrospect, should have just said “My bad.” And moved on.

Andy says that it’s weird that despite all of this stuff, all of the women seem to go to Bethenny during times of trouble.  Ramona broke down about Mario to her in Turks & Caicos, Dorinda crying to Bethenny in Colombia about LuAnn, etc.

Dorinda says that Bethenny shows interest in it all and has “a thing.”   Ramona agrees.  So does Carole- that Bethenny can really zero in on the thing that’s bothering you.  MisRed has the same thing.  I can’t say what it is- at work, I am the staff therapist.  People just come into my office, flop down in my guest chair and spill their guts.  Perfect strangers, at Walmart, tell me their life story, ask me to help them find crackers, ask why the Baking Soda isn’t in the beverage aisle, tell me about their journey with arthritis.  I don’t know what it is, MisRed does NOT have a friendly face… it’s just something.

But doubling back to Ramona’s skincare.  Or Anti-skincare, as the case may be.  Ramona, quite obviously, jumped the gun with her launch party.  If you don’t have a formula- a STABLE formula, you should not be talking about it publicly.  MisRed worked for a very large skincare company for many, many years – I mean- one of the biggest- and I cannot tell you how many times projects would get rushed because it was the latest and greatest concept- only to have a formulation failure.  Either the formula grows stuff when stressed or the formula isn’t compatible with the packaging and you have to tweak- there are a million reasons why formulas fail.  And Ramona already had packaging at that party.  If her formula isn’t final… she should not be showing that off- unless it’s in a glass bottle- which it wasn’t.  Ramona wanted to take advantage of the publicity opportunity- it makes sense, but yeah, too soon.

DORINDA CLIP PACKAGE:

CLIP!

Andy announces “We are making a list and checking it twice, is Dorinda backing it up or making it nice?  She can comfort and coddle.  She can jab.  She can slice.  Though Dorinda’s quite loyal, does it come with a price?”

Andy should write for Hallmark.

We see the following scenes:  Dorinda’s birthday in the Berkshires shoving her own face in a cake with lit candles, Dorinda wasted in Puerto Rico saying that kids in Haiti don’t go to college.  Bethenny’s empty cavity in chest to heart talk with Dorinda about her drinking on the plane to Puerto Rico.  Dorinda lighting a candle for LuAnn at church.  Dorinda going off the rails in Colombia, rage and regret.  Dorinda flipping her SH*T at LuAnn’s Cabaret and after-party.

Andy is like…. we have a lot to talk about.  Dorinda opens by saying that she still feels that Lu owes her an apology.

Yeah, well, when can we expect an apology for that finale eye shadow situation?

Dorinda interviews that Bethenny likes to label people.  She says she was “drunk ONE night- and one night does not define people.”

Uh one night?  ONE NIGHT?  Like one night per day?  What time duration are we talking here?

Dorinda throws out – “Bethenny drinks!”  Uh yeah, but not like you, honey.

Yeah, but you are the CHAMP!

Bethenny says that during the clip package, Dorinda kept saying “More labels.”

THANK YOU, JOVANI!!!!  Oh wait, not those labels.

Dorinda stops her and says that after she and Bethenny had the conversation on the plane in PR about Dorinda being drunk the night before- Bethenny said “You’re a drunk,” but then she heard that Bethenny said in a tweet “You’re in drunk.”  That doesn’t make any sense.  Bethenny says she thought she said, “You’re drunk.”

Dorinda wants to know “Which is it? I want to know because it’s two different things.”   Actually three.  Unless you don’t count “You’re in drunk” which I don’t know what that means.

Bethenny says she doesn’t know what she said.

MisRed does, you said “You’re a drunk.”

Andy asks her if she thinks Dorinda is a drunk?  Bethenny asks for clarification and Andy asks if she thinks Dorinda has a drinking problem?

Dorinda says “You don’t know my life that well.  Remember be careful.”  Dorinda is so gangster.

Bethenny is like- hey, I’ve already been through one intervention this weekend, I’m not doing another one today.  Bethenny is like- it’s not my place to say whether or not Dorinda has a drinking problem. Hell, Bethenny has commentary on everything else and suddenly it’s not her place to say???

Dorinda wants to know if Bethenny called Dorinda a drunk?   Bethenny says that it sounds like she did, but Dorinda doesn’t think Bethenny really believes that.  Yes, Dorinda got drunk at that dinner, but she was in a bad spot and Dorinda explained it on the plane.  Dorinda says that they ALL except for Carole, have gotten drunk.

Yes.  Yes, they have.

Bethenny asks what Dorinda wants to know from her?  See, Bethenny is actually TRYING to be nice here because I think she really does care for Dorinda, as opposed to Ramona.   Dorinda dances around the issue a little, but Andy asks Bethenny again if she thinks Dorinda has a drinking problem?  Bethenny says she is not qualified to say and she’s not going to say that.

Ramona says there is a difference between saying “You’re drunk” and “You’re a drunk.” Agreed.

Bethenny says that after the PR dinner, the next day, Dorinda apologized to the wrong person.  She actually didn’t know who she offended.  Dorinda agrees that she didn’t remember, and it was because she was drunk.

Thanks for clarifying.

Bethenny says that now Dorinda is calling it “labeling” if she says Dorinda didn’t remember after the LuAnn thing?

Dorinda, really skating around the issue, says that Bethenny labels everybody. Then she points to the women one by one.

“This one has no friends. “(Ramona)

“This one is dead to you. “(Sonja)

“This one is sad, lonely and depressed.”  (Carole)

“This one’s a dingbat.”  (Tinsley)

Fun.  It’s like The Match Game.

“Jules is a pill-popper and a drug addict.”  Aw, how is Jules and her divorce from her micro-husband going? “Heather has no business.  You are a labeler.   I just can’t with the labels.”

Bethenny is like- ok, I’m a labeler.  You can tell she is uncomfortable about this topic.  Dorinda says if she thought Dorinda was in trouble or in crisis why didn’t she tell me to stay home?  Well… she kind of did tell her not to come at the dinner and that’s what prompted Dorinda to skedaddle.

F*cking Andy interrupts- asking Bethenny if she knew how drunk Dorinda was before the dinner.  Bethenny says no, but they had a drink BEFORE dinner and that escalated things, but she didn’t really know how cray Dorinda was going to get.

Bethenny says that of everyone there, she has called attention to Dorinda’s drinking in a constructive way.  Yes, Bethenny did try to have a serious discussion with Dorinda about her drinking- and all of this “labeling” business and finger pointing is just a form of denial.  But the truth of the matter is, Bethenny (or any of them) can call Dorinda a Drunk, say You’re drunkn or You’re in Drunk or Urine Drunk- which is an option we never considered before- but none of it matters.  Until Dorinda acknowledges she has an issue, there is nothing that can be done.

Ramona says that Bethenny has been drinking too.    Solid argument there Turtle Time, go back to sleep.  Bethenny says that yes, she drinks.  Dorinda says that nobody ever says anything critical about Bethenny.  Not true.

Carole says that it’s not constructive to call someone a drunk on television.  And Bethenny says that it’s not constructive to call someone a narcissist on television either, but Carole has done it.  Frankly, if the shoe fits… in both cases.

Carole is like- did I call you a narcissist?  Bethenny says that she said it in her blogs (not technically on TV) and behind Bethenny’s back.  Carole is like- I calls ‘em as I sees ‘em.  Bethenny says so do I.

Good, glad we got that settled.

Getting back to Dorinda’s drinking, and when Dorinda turns into Slurinda and sometimes when Dorinda snaps- sometimes it’s funny and sometimes, like in Puerto Rico or when Dorinda stabbed herself in the hand… it is NOT funny.  Dorinda says that she thinks she doesn’t have the healthiest relationship with alcohol.  She says she was unhappy last fall and probably a little depressed and she was down.  She says she has looked at herself and decided that something had to give.  Bethenny is like “But nothing changed, I’ve seen you drunk in the morning.”  Dorinda denies it and says that Bethenny sounds drunk sometimes in the morning.  Bethenny is like, Sure, right.

Youtalksmackineveryinterview…

Dorinda says that she feels like she is in a good place right now. But Bethenny has bashed her in every interview she could, and Dorinda hasn’t said bad things about Bethenny- which isn’t true.

Andy says to Dorinda “So you don’t think you have a problem with alcohol…

TO BE CONTINUED

Next week, Dorinda claims she was sober in Colombia when she yelled at LuAnn.  They talk about Lu’s drinking and if anyone suspected she was drinking again?  Everyone says yes.  Andy asks Tinsley if when she and Scott are on a break if he sees other people?  Yes, he does.  And we review “Jovani!  Jovani!”

MisRed SWORE she was going to Reader’s Digest this and LOOK AT WHAT YOU DID TO ME?!?!!?  War and Peace.  Well, War and More War, in this case.  What do you think of everyone getting together writing a script and ganging up on Bethenny?  Bethenny can hold her own.  We will see what happens next week… until then, MisRed loves your comments.  xoxoxo

Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!

Howdy yall! Welcome back to easily the funnest iteration of Housewives I’ve seen this side of the Mason-Dixon, and thus: my 30s. I’ve been recapping this (read: drinking) for the past 4.5 hours so I’m pretty brain dead at this point. Do you mind if I dive right in and also forgive the fact that the Mason-Dixon reference has little to nothing to do with Texas?

One of my dogs puked on the carpet during this. So who’s to say you or I won’t? HAHAHAHA burp.

OK cool let’s go.

We open on the riot that ensued when Colonel Crackerjacks & Friends would hold a wedding! for LeeAnne and Rich! this very night! with Colonel Crackerjacks officiating! Everyone is losing their collective minds, blowing champagne corks and sobbing uncontrollably and shitting on the floor and looting television stores. LeeAnne is laughing her ass off, but we see this time that she was laughing as she was saying, “No! No!” and “He’s off the hook.”

D’Andra says in her interview that LeeAnne and Rich must be putting off setting a date because something’s up. Something they’re not telling their friends. She can tell LeeAnne is hiding something or is feeling insecure, which is why she so graciously hatched a plan to call lots of attention to it and publicly humiliate LeeAnne. What a great buddy!

Anyway, this stupid, predictable “cliffhanger” is over in 20 seconds (please, Bravo, learn how to To-Be-Continue yourself), and Rich provides me with what is maybe my favorite screengrab of all time:

General Whiskers invites LeeAnne and Jeremy up to the mic to make a speech that will thoroughly disappoint Dee. I can’t wait!

(By the way, you can tell how manipulated that cliffhanger was considering that the chronology of these opening scenes has been reversed: D’Andra and Jeremy were already up at the mic when Captain Tin Cans sprung the wedding prank. I’m a Detective, see.)

D’Andra opens with a terrible cliché about knowing that Jeremy was the man she was going to marry after five minutes of knowing him. Yawn. He pulls the mic up to his face and smushes his lips on it and slurs, “and in three minutes ah wuz havin sex’th her.” Wretch.

Dee’s butt falls off.

“No bit srrsly…” he continues, getting all srrs. He says he met the woman of his dreams and he invited everyone here because he and D’Andra love them. And he also wants to tell everyone, a second time, that he’s “still horny” for his wife. What a funny, cool thing to tell a room full of people in fancy clothes. Like your son.

“I laugh to keep from stabbing.”

D’Andra and Jeremy cut the cake. LeeAnne is all jealous because she wants to have glamorous anniversary parties with Rich but she doesn’t even have a wedding date yet. Cary says she’s a little bummed because there’s no actual wedding tonight. I know she’s talking about LeeAnne but it kind of speaks to the fact that D’Andra and Jeremy threw this big lavish party for practically no reason at all.

Jeremy shares his cake wi-PSYCH!

“Sorry babe, I saw this cake and said, ‘in three minutes I’m gunna be havin’ sex with it.'”

Stephanie brings the party down by leaning in to LeeAnne and saying that she doesn’t like to drink [cough] because it makes her depressed (she means when she’s hungover, which I actually get since as I’ve grown older anxiety has become more and more a symptom of my own). Oh bruther here’s where the serious shit kicks in.

LeeAnne and Stephanie get all deep and sad and talk about imbalance and both of them admit that at one point they tried to kill themselves.

Do you suppose it never worked with LeeAnne because they weren’t knives, they were just hands?

Sorry. I had to.

But sarey-ously you guys. LeeAnne and Stephanie genuinely bond over this and it’s actually incredibly heartwarming. It’s also impressive to see how wise it was on Stephanie’s part to tell LeeAnne about a personal tragedy: she knows that LeeAnne uses sob stories to connect with people (the cast has actually accused LeeAnne of resorting to them as a cop out to explain her terrible behavior), so Stephanie figures that sympathy might work both ways, and she’s right.

Brandi shows up – ooooh, she so sneaky! (she wants us to say)

Stephanie is all pumped and lets out a squeal at an octave only bats can hear.

Which explains Dee’s confusion.

Brandi wastes no time in asking D’Andra for some time to talk, and D’Andra agrees nicely as long as she can have a tequila shot. Now, let me take this moment to inform you that Dallas is probably the Sorority Row of the Housewives Universe. That explains why it’s probably the most alcoholic, and it also explains why Dallas is where you’re most likely to find a helpful sister on hand to jump right in with the requested shot and an offer to take your bag, your earrings, your cell phone, et al, when you’re about to throw down:

PUKE-HAIR HOLDER CARY TO THE RESCUE

D’Andra and Brandi down their tequila shots like big girls and start off their conversation like most Housewife confrontations go: I’m not here to fight, I want to support you, We can resolve this in the future, etc. But they don’t get further than than that since Stephanie – who is gunna be SUPER “depressed” tomorrow – stumbles in to smile and slur and scream at everyone to TAKE MORE SHOTS YOU FUCKIN BETCHEZZZZZZ!

OR YURR NEVER GUNNA MAKE THE GAMMA TAO CLASS LOL BURP

And whatever. That’s where everything cuts off, but I don’t mind because Stephanie is a blast and a half to watch when she’s so drunk out of her mind. I agree with LeeAnne, who put it so delicately: “When she’s shitfaced she’s fuckin fun as fuck!”

And now, before commercial break, I present to you Stephanie: A Play in Three Acts:

It’s a harrowing saga of man’s cosmic hubris and our interminable yet futile attempt to dominate the very immovable will of nature.

The next day, Stephanie is super hungover, unsurprisingly, chugging full bottles of Prozac before she invites her party planner, Rachel, over to talk about her Housewarming/Bruin Debut Party.

Rachel is the one who planned Stephanie’s $20,000-or-whatever “Bad Romance” Halloween party for Stephanie last year at her old house. She’s an OK planner and decorator, but she clearly never watched the video for Bad Romance and instead interpreted it to mean black acrylic skulls and red candles. She seems like one of those Gladys Leeman types who does the same thing every year and just chooses a different zippy name for the same theme.

The real reason for this scene is to show off Stephanie’s new, renovated house – mostly the proof that she managed to clobber Travis into submission and covered up the pool:

We’re taken through sexy shots of Stephanie’s house, seeing all of the $1.7 million renovations she made to this $5 million home. HOW DO THESE TROGLODYTES HAVE THIS MUCH MONEY. Stephanie’s new home includes a spa, a movie theater, a post office, a Target, and a “fully equipped jemm.”

Good for Stephanie!

Stephanie tells us the title of the party (LOL I can’t believe I even typed that out) is “Bubbles and Bru.” “And that’s short for Bubbles and Bruin!” she adds helpfully. Then she LITERALLY SPELLS OUT BRUIN’S NAME IN HER INTERVIEW. And “bubbles stands for champagne.” Wow, thanks for cracking the code for us, Steph.

As Stephanie’s assistant (why) walks Rachel around the house, Stephanie FaceTimes Brandi to tell her who she “fills” like inviting. That includes LeeAnne. Brandi’s like, duh, whatever, I have a screaming mutant clutched to my chest and I know the rules of this fucking show so I’m not going to fight you on it. Then Stephanie asks to get Bruin’s vote:

Reassuring!

Next we head to D’Andra and Dee’s office downtown which is boring snoring loring because business is for sad people in grey cubicles and ugly khaki pants, bleh. It’s what I do for nine hours a day before I come home and recap this tripe for another six hours and get summarily wasted. Why do I want to talk about this.

I do love that D’Andra has one of those T. Kyle-inspired Christmas ornaments at her desk.

She meets with a marketing manager or some other white girl behind a standard-issued clunky mahogany desk to talk BRANDING and MARKET SHARE and ROI on the company’s latest line of snake oil: a dietary supplement called Green Miracle.

Holy shit do I hate these people.

D’Andra knows that she has to endure a shit-stink conversation with her mom, so she takes this opportunity with cameras in the office to do it.

I feel the need to point out this tacky, phony plate on Dee’s desk and the equally sanctimonious look on her face:

D’Andra opens with her proposal to switch the packaging of their Do Nothing Diet Pill from a bottle to a soft pack. Dee says that their customers – who are like her (old, dumb, stubborn as a damn mountain) – won’t go for that. D’Andra responds that the soft pack will appeal to more, different customers this way. Dee draws a line in the sand and says it’s a hard no. Ah, catering to the likes of septagenerians who have a conniption over packaging and will be dead in eight years. What a great business model. What a great client demo to shoot for.

D’Andra deflates and reminds her mom that she gave full control of the company to D’Andra two years ago, agreeing to transfer her salary as well, so wtf is she still doing here? Dee is like, well, watching reruns of Friends in my big empty house at 11 am scares me and this is the only thing that fulfills me, so I’m gunna keep coming into this office and planting my ass in a seat and shooting down all your fresh, good, constructive ideas until the day I fucking croak, beloved daughter of mine. I’m putting words in her mouth, but trust me, they’re not that different from what Dee actually said.

Dee closes by reminding D’Andra that she’s an only child and “lots of mothers and daughters get jealous of each other, particularly if they’re good looking.” D’Andra:

D’Andra flips the fuck out in her interview, asking “who’s jealous of who here,” listing off a litany of reasons her mother should be jealous of her, landing on “MY FACE MOVES WHEN I HAVE AN EXPRESSION:”

LOL. Just barely, D, but I do think you have a promising career as a recapper here. Email staff@trashtalktv.com to audition!

Dee reminds D’Andra that the two of them are “the only family” the other one has got, so basically, eat shit and suck it up. She says that she won’t endure the “abuse” that D’Andra gave her over the phone. D’Andra tells her mom that she’s full of shit. Go D’Andra! But Dee predictably dismisses her because she herself “doesn’t cuss” before D’Andra reminds her mom that abuse is giving someone the silent treatment for a month. Dee says that she’s done with this conversation and doesn’t want to talk to D’Andra for the rest of the day, cementing D’Andra’s point.

D’Andra states that she could branch off and start a new company. She could, because she did. But guess what happened to that company? Her mom owned it from day one. Her mother owns her: financially, emotionally, professionally. Keeping her in shackles and oppressively quashing any move D’Andra wants to make with the possibility of one phone call to the bank. How silly and fun. Enjoy the rest of this season, everyone!

Stephanie has her mom and grandparents over to her house. They’re from Oklahoma and they super believe in the LAWD-DAH and Stephanie can’t go 5-6 weeks without seeing them. I chug an entire glass of wine thinking about that kind of oppression. They all bless Stephanie’s house in a prayer circle with Stephanie’s mom leading in English and Stephanie’s Pentacostal grandfather speaking in tongues right behind her.

And I’m with Biscuit: this shit is freaky as hell.

ARE YOU GUYS OK DO YOU NEED SOME WATER

It’s surprising to me that hard-drinking, lion-mounting, foul-mouthed Stephanie grew up in a family like this, mostly because I am shamelessly ignorant of people in fly-over states (I think they’re all simple white folk who like word art from Hobby Lobby), and it’s super jarring to see how orthodox they are in the way of their faith. It’s… not… a bad thing? But it is unsettling. If not creepy. Especially when I see that Stephanie feels the same comfort praying in her house as I would saging mine.

Oh god, I’m just like her. Never mind.

Anyway, sad stuff: Stephanie knows that now she’s brought it up she has to talk about her suicide attempt, which she does with her mom. Long story short: she was in what sounds like at least an emotionally abusive relationship, broke up, felt lost, and decided to take a whole bottle of pills. Her mom was home, Stephanie told her what happened, and now, miraculously, she’s still alive. And that’s all. There are no jokes to be made.

Ever the socially responsible company, Bravo issued this card at the end of the episode:

There’s a transition scene where we learn that Cary and her family are living in Cary’s parents’ house while they vacation in Palm Springs and Cary’s house is being remodeled. It’s sort of a pleasant bandaid on all the Mark Nastiness from last season and a reminder that Cary has a child who knows what Porsches are and calls her parents by their first names, but that’s about it.

The next scene is about LeeAnne being a fashion maven, which we can trust because:

just look at her.

LeeAnne shows up at some boutique that she knows really well and greets a BFFFF named “Ja-neeeeeeette!” who dresses like this:

… which makes my face go like this:

… so yeah, we can tell LeeAnne is in good hands.

So basically LeeAnne is here because she invented (question mark) this dress that is immeasurably versatile: a very basic black bandage dress with snaps hidden all over the place to attach similarly basic, transformative pieces of chiffon. In essence, it is 7,039 dresses in one. And a model is at the store to wear it for her.

Now, as someone who has been in roughly 7,039 weddings, let me tell you that this has been done. There ARE dresses that you can wear a billion ways to both play and flatter your body type. This is not a new concept. But as someone who has also watched (and recapped) 7,039 episodes of Real Housewives, I can measure a new business when I see it, and this is clearly what LeeAnne’s point is. She literally says, point blank, this is a dress for the QVC crowd. She knows what the fuck she’s doing. And most Housewives don’t. And I agree with every part of this stupid yet brilliant idea. This isn’t a cocktail mixer or a cooking book or a pile of hair, thrown out to the ether and flying on a wing and a prayer. This is one product: carefully constructed and brilliantly targeted. So bravo, LeeAnne. This dress is basic, but it’s brilliant.

“If I can transform myself, I can transform THE WORLD!”

I actually don’t disagree with her. Play on, LeeAnne, and I will dance to your beat.

In the denouement, Brandi’s family is getting ready for the Party, which basically means Brandi is doing everything and lamenting the fact that she has to get up at 4:30 am or some garbage just to resemble the person you see on camera.

Stephanie’s house is not obvious at all, decked out in blue, blue, nothing but blue:

… so yeah, she’s pretty happy with her subterfuge:

Stephanie says that when you come to her parties you get the “Three F’s”: food…

… floral…

… and fun, which is also alchohol:

A little different from my three F’s, but then, I’m an animal.

No offense to Brandi’s family or families in general but this sort of scene makes me want to murder myself, and considering the tone of this episode, that’s hard to say:

… but seriously.

So eventually the Redhead Redmonds show up at Stephanie’s (after four lost shoes and a dead horse in the back yard) and Brandi reacts AS SHE SHOULD about the financial burden of this celebration of her choices:

TWENTY TWO THOUSAND TWO HUNDRED THIRTY AND 0/100
… is the check Stephanie wrote for this fucking party

The girls squirrel upstairs to hide Brandi and Bruin as the husbands kill time and “bond.”

he does.
insert ominous music.

The girls all huddle with their babies upstairs, complaining about LeeAnne, as This Bitch walks in with her pink dog food-eating corgi and gripes about no one greeting her at the door.

LOL hey:

It’s OK though. This Bitch knows EXACTLY what’s up and she’ll CHEW HER HUSBAND’S ear off about it.

And she’s actually spot on about it (because again, she’s rull smart) and replays literally the entre situation to Stephanie – in a way that’s both enthusiastic and pathetic and hopelessly needing. She knows that someone is having a baby, and she knows that it’s Brandi, because Stephanie wouldn’t throw this kind of party for herself, and she knows that it’s a boy, because duh, all the blue, and the “BRUIN” on the wall.

Stephanie feigns incredulity and pretends that OOPS! ya got me, telling This Bitch that she’s the one having the baby, waiting for the “sarah-get” to deliver any day now.

Then she forces her dumb lugnut of a husband to play along:

… while Court is in the background just saying “wow. yeah. omg. yeah. wow. congratulations. awesome. that’s amazing.”

As the guests arrive, we learn that Cary found out about Bruin three days prior:

This Bitch acts like Inspektor Gadget, noticing the blue bow on Cary’s baby gift, telling her she KNOWS and conspiring with Stephanie, who gets Cary to play along, like an idiot.

D’Andra and LeeAnne show up. D’Andra knows nothin bout birthin babies, but she does know she came ready to breast feed.

s

… and LeeAnne came ready with grabby colors to distract the baby.

Anyway, once everyone’s arrived and masturbated over one another’s hair, Stephanie checks her notes to introduce “our favorite ginger family”:

…  and then Brandi and Brian and Brooklyn and Brinkley and Bruin and Breast Meat and Braveness and Brisket and Bratislava come downstairs…

So This Bitch feels all duped, like:

da fuq

… and so we end on another cursed “to be continued,” because god knows whether or not we’ll see the exciting conclusion to this clever ruse.

Next week: The girls all take a trip to Beaver Creek and someone lets their beaver out.

And poor Bruin, we’ll leave him behind. Motherless, once again, sprawling on a blanket, cooing at the ceiling, kicking his awesome, powerful feet, wondering where those women went, and marveling at all the wondrous things they’re doing. He stares at his mobile, contemplating the shapes, compromising them with the world he’s seen before. And try as he might, he can’t help but think of that nice lady, with her long red hair and her piercing, cat-like eyes, softening for him and hooding, singing a lullaby, and lulling him to sleep. My Baby Bru.

Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!

Hi, Trashies. So, we open this episode with Not Raven confronting Chris about kissing Krystal. I’m not sure she really has a right to be mad here. Chris was literally her backup plan when things didn’t work out with Colton. That being said, Chris’ gaslighting is pretty much the worst thing I’ve seen come out of one of these shows. Can we just agree to give him no more screen time for the rest of, well, always?

Can this be the last we ever see of him?

It’s a good thing that Not Raven doesn’t like Chris all that much, so she’s not blinded by his bullshit. Not Raven tries to explain the whole situation to Krystal and then says she’s simply going to take herself out of the equation. Chris tries to play it off like he already decided he was no longer interested in Not Raven. Yeah, Chris is one of those guys who hits on a girl, gets rejected, and then yells, “Yeah, we’ll you’re ugly anyway!”

Krystal’s reaction is my favorite.

Krystal cries to Jordan about how she doesn’t want drama and all I can think of is The Office when Andy and Erin start dating.

It is kind of cute watching Bibiana and Krystal being friends despite what we saw on Arie’s season. Good for them.

With Chris out of the way, Not Tia is interested in Colton…again. She tells Jordan that she thinks she and Colton are on the same page 90% of the time. Jordan says he’s sick of people not saying what they want. Here’s thing thing, both Not Tia and Colton have said exactly what they want. The problem is that they want different things.

With that, Jacqueline (Arie) comes in. She asks out Colton and he says no because he’s not interested in dating right now. What? Why the fuck is he on this show then? Of course, it sends Not Raven into a complete meltdown. The tears looks super forced and fake though. It reminds me of her elimination on Arie’s season. NotRaven and Colto talk and its a whole lot of nothing all over again.

Time to check in with Annaliese who is still super desperate to find someone. I forgot that she and Kenny were kind of a thing, but Jacqueline asks him out and he accepts. The more dates I see Kenny on, the more I fall in love with him. Can we please have a Kenny season?

Hey, boo.

When Jacqueline and Kenny get back, Annaliese is ready to swoop in…because she wants to eat chocolate with Kenny on a bed. I’m not too mad at it all, because Kenny takes off his shirt. I make no secret of how shameless I am.

Oh, hey, is it cocktail party time finally?Either way, I’m kind of annoyed with Caroline. You can’t claim that Jubilee “ran away with John” when he wasn’t talking to anyone else at the moment. I’m ignoring Krystal and Chris. You’re probably not surprised by that.

I guess that was just another random night because we cut to the next morning and we’re still talking about Not Tia and Colton. My God, can this story line just end already. For some reason, Bibiana is talking to Colton about this. It’s so fucking stupid and just feels contrived. Colton isn’t into Not Raven and he needs to just say, “Look, I’m not feeling it. Let it the fuck go.” She needs to accept it.

“If I keep talking to you, Colton, I get more camera time.”

Not Raven and Colton finally talk and they decide to give this whole dating things a real chance. While this conversation is going on, Chris tries to make a comment and I love Bibiana again when she says, “It was never about you, Chris.” Also, why is it suddenly nighttime? What is going on with this editing this season? Ugh, then the making out starts and we end with Not Raven telling Colton, “Use your tongue!”

OK, now it’s the cocktail party and rose ceremony for real. We can’t not talk about the whole Jordan situation. First, he wore this:

Models don’t always have excellent fashion sense, I guess.

Second, when David decided to give Annaliese a stuffed dog as a birthday present, we get the much hyped scene where Jordan grabs the dog and throws it into the ocean. Look, David is annoying, but Jordan was way out of line. First of all, Jenna has never shown any actual interest in David. She seems to just be humoring him. Secondly, he destroyed something that belonged to Jenna now. That’s kind of a dick move. Finally, he’s blow up at Jubilee and Chelsea was just stupid. Is he really that surprised when people laughed at him throwing a massive temper tantrum? Look, I get that people are entertained by this guy, but I’m just over his whole schtick. Annaliese and Eric talk Jordan into apologizing and he does, but I’m not sure if it makes things better for Jenna. She’s absolutely right – behavior like this is generally not a one time thing.

Anyway, time for the rose ceremony!

Jordan gives his rose to Jenna (I guess she really wants to stay in Mexico.)
David gives his rose to Chelsea (Seriously, when did this become a thing?)
Kevin gives his rose to Astrid
Chris gives his rose to Krystal
John gives his rose to Jubilee (YAY!!!!!)
Joe gives his rose to Kendall
Colton gives his rose to Not Raven
Eric gives his rose to Angela (Who?)
Kenny gives his rose to Annaliese

So, that means Bibiana, Nysha (seriously, who?), Caroline, and Jacqueline are leaving.

This exit is a special level of stupid.

We open the next episode with the ladies saging one another and discussing Jordan’s tantrum from the night before. Jenna is pretty much over Jordan at this point and she’s completely willing to go on a date with literally anyone else. Joe is telling us that he thinks his relationship with Kendall is going to work, which means that it’s time for Leo to arrive. Guess who Leo asks on a date!

I’m sure you didn’t see that coming.

I feel bad for Joe because I don’t want to see that adorable man hurt, but I can’t really fault Kendall for going on a date when that’s the entire point of the show. Besides, at this point, she and Joe have known each other for all of a few days.

Their date is a little silly…as they all are, really. The good side is that Jorge is back!

I MISSED YOU!!!

Today, Leo and Kendall will be shooting the cover for Jorge’s romance novel. The story is acted out by Arie, Lauren, Ben, and Amanda. This is where we get that super cringy, “I AM UNLOVABLE!!!” moment from Ben. The thing that angers me the most about this date is the fact that we don’t get to see the ridiculously happy reunion between Ben and Yuki. Their friendship was pretty much the best part of Winter Games. Anyway, the date includes a lot of making out in various stages of undress. While that’s going on, we get a lot of cuts back to Joe being sad about Kendall on a date.

Is it nighttime when we’re looking at Joe?

When Kendall comes back, she immediately talks to Joe. He seems a little bit possessive. Again, they’ve known each other for all of a few days and they’re on a dating show. And why is Joe talking to Jordan about this? Jordan dropped Annaliese the minute another woman arrived! He’s the worst person to ever take advice from. Meanwhile, Kendall is crying because she’s not sure which guy she should be with. I’m a huge Joe fan and Leo squicks me out, but Kendall isn’t obligated to feel how I do. Also, why are the guys villainizing the women for dating multiple people when they’re doing it themselves? These guys can all fuck right off at this point.

Of course, Leo is hanging out with all the other ladies and hitting on every single one of them. I laughed really hard when he asked Chelsea, “Are you naked under there?” I mean, it’s her clothing. Of course she’s naked under that. Hell, I’m naked under my clothing right now. How scandalous.

Joe and Jordan are officially my favorite couple this season.

Later, another date card arrives. It’s for Colton (again) and, of course, he asks Not Raven. I’m going to gloss over this because I am so fucking bored with these two. They go on a date, Raven (who announces she had her first orgasm last season…no one cares, Raven!) and Adam show up, and Raven has to create more drama with this pairing because the producers can’t think of anything else to show us. In the end, Colton asks Not Raven to be his girlfriend. The end.

We cut back to the resort because Benoit is arriving because his engagement with Clare lasted all of fifteen minutes. I’m glad we get to see this reunion with Yuki. They’re so happy to see one another! I want to point out that Jordan spends all his time making fun of the way Benoit is dressed despite throwing a tantrum about how disrespectful it was for Jubilee and Chelsea to make fun of the vest and pants combo, Anyway, Benoit decides to ask out Jenna and she says yes. This means we have to watch Jordan seethe some more.

The date is dinner and a whole lot of awkward PDA that results in red lipstick everywhere.

I’m just uncomfortable.

When Jenna and Benoit returns, Jordan has a surprise. I wrote “I’M SORRY” in the sand. That’s a pretty lame surprise. I guess the apology works…sort of? Jenna just seems torn.

And that’s where we end…well, except for John’s dad jokes. I could listen to them forever. In fact, he shares them on Instagram. It’s the highlight of my day.

Until next week, Trashies!

Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram and follow our TV parody boards on Pinterest!

Is this season over yet? So far, so boring.  What do you guys think?  How many more wake-ups until this season is over.

Remember when Vicki used to pretend to sleep when she was bored?  Like, when the focus and attention wasn’t on her?  And remember how it used to piss everyone off?

So incredibly rude.

The entire audience is doing this, Vicki.

Where did we leave off?  Emily’s husband, Turtle has ruffled some feathers with the ladies by asking Gina to leave his house after a party when she was a little loud and dropping F-bombs.  The girls wonder if Emily is in a bad marriage?  Shannon thinks some of the Turtle’s actions remind her of David, although, she admitted she was projecting her marriage issues onto Emily’s situation.  Fair enough.  What could possibly go wrong? Kelly and Vicki seem to be back on the mend after Vicki broke girl code by setting Kelly’s ex-husband up on a date.  MisRed, for one is not convinced Kelly has forgiven and forgotten.  It’s a scab just waiting to be picked, and MisRed is here for it.  Shannon was awarded $30k/month in court- her temporary support settlement.  We learned that David flipped out at court, so Shannon asked for it to be reduced to $22.5k/month.  Shannon is far too generous in MisRed’s opinion.  Archie requires a lifestyle and he’s going to have to cut back on his treats at this reduced amount.  And Tammy Sue is about to turn on Shannon.  Mainly because Shannon is so caught up in her own David.David?David! drama, she hasn’t, according to Tamra, asked about Eddie’s health.

ooooozabooboo

The episode begins with our favorite cast member, ARCHIE, rushing to the front door.   Shannon’s trainer “Steven” coming over to work her out.  If Mark Wahlberg and Andrew Rannells had a baby, it would be Steven.

Steven Rannelberg

Shannon has a new interview look.

Nope.  Not today.

Um, no.  Shades of Ramona pony and that is NOT working for MisRed.

Steven runs Shannon through a series of exercises which she finds embarrassing.

She then spills her guts to him about David and her weight gain, and that she’s wearing spanx and that she’s not ready to date.    What needs to happen is that Steven needs to take Shannon upstairs and bang her like a screen door in a hurricane.  Not that MisRed is objectifying Steven- and MisRed isn’t entirely sure he isn’t gay, but she needs someone to throw her a bang immediately.

3 Helping of Boring and some Earthworms for the Turtle

Tamra and Eddie meet Emily and Turtle for dinner.   Tamra interviews that she has known Emily for three years, but doesn’t really know Turtle at all, so she is looking forward to getting to know him, so she can judge him, being a good Christian and all.   Emily and Turts ask after Eddie’s health.  Turtle says Eddie LOOKS like he has good energy.  Well, I mean, compared to Turtle, a sloth appears to have good energy.   Eddie says that he can’t work out hard, but he feels pretty good.  Oh, also, he went off of his medication so he’s feeling more like himself.  No, the medicine isn’t optional, Eddie just took himself off of it.  Good decision, if you know, you want to, like, possibly, die.  Tamra says that Eddie is still taking blood thinners otherwise he might have a stroke.   Pleasant dinner conversation.

Tamra says to Turtle, “I heard you threw Gina out of your house?”  Turtle explains that he asked, several times, to keep the noise level down.

Well that was big of him.

This is something we didn’t see, nor have we heard before.  Turtle tells Tamra that he would be happy to recreate the scenario with her, if she’d like.  Emily says he’s being sarcastic.  She interviews that Turtle is very witty.  We haven’t seen that either.  And he likes to engage in this type of banter.  Belligerent banter?  And people don’t get it and they think he’s being rude when he really isn’t.  Sure.

To get away with being VERY sarcastic, you need to have certain facial expressions to allow the recipient of your jabs banter know that you aren’t just being a total douchenozzle.  Otherwise, you just seem like a total douchenozzle, which is how Turtle appears.

Back at the table, Turtle says, “She thinks I’m being sarcastic, but there’s a lot of truth to what I say to her.”  Oh ok, so he has clarified, he is truly, just an asshole.  Thanks for clearing that up.

Tamra wonders if Turtle is just misunderstood.  No.  No, he is not.

Over at Kelly’s House of Tacky White Pleather, Jolie is making brownies (or something) from a box.  She tells us, even though that box doesn’t say so, you are supposed to mix the dry ingredients together, and mix the wet ingredients together and then combine them. She says, “I’m a maven, I should know.”  Whoops!

I’m running this bakery with the impractical countertops, NOT YOU!!!

I mean, she says she’s an expert.  Ok, not going to pick on Jolie as she’s the most grounded woman on this show, and she’s currently raising her mother, but honey, it’s box brownies, dump everything in a bowl together and mix, it will be fine.

They discuss the real estate options Kelly has- ranging from $1.6million to $4million.  Jolie doesn’t love any of the options and thinks they could nab something on a short sale. Kelly thinks she and Michael have spoiled Jolie.

So, Kelly is going to make Jolie volunteer at a Soup Kitchen, so she learns how to appreciate what she has and knows how to give back and remain grounded.

Steve the Crooked Cop has defrosted some chicken for dinner and he and Vicki are having a glass of wine.

Photos from Steve’s audition for Shady Detective #3 on OCPDBlue

Wait.  Did Vicki just pimp Aldi Sauvignon Blanc?  Aldi… no.  Don’t do that.

Vicki says she has been looking through her pictures- which you know she looks at pictures of herself constantly, and someone commented that one of the pictures looked like it should be she and Steve’s engagement photo.  We see the photo, it’s the two of them walking down a trail.

Desperado…

Well Steve is walking like a regular person and Vicki is lumbering along like a Zombie per usual.  And honey, those rolled up jeans do nothing to negate your dumpiness.  You want to ELONGATE the leg.  Can somebody dig up Joan Rivers and get her on this sh*t show?

Vicki interviews that she really needs to know if Steve is going to marry her.  They’ve been together for 2-1/2 years and if he isn’t going to marry her, she needs to make some harsh decisions.  “I’m a marriage girl.  I want to be married.”  Oh Vicki.  Give it a rest.  He is not into you.  He’s just here to be on the show.  When he bones you, he closes his eyes and thinks of someone else… ANYONE else.

She reminds Steve of her birthday- and he’s like- I know.  Trust me, Vicki put it in his calendar, and she’s put up sticky notes all over the house as a reminder to him.  She says that you get one day a year when people want to give you attention- and she’s taking it.  If only Vicki was content with ONE day.  She says that she wants to have the girls go golfing because Steve bought her golf clubs.

Remember when she went golfing with Donn and bitched and moaned about how boring it is and how it was a waste of time and she really would rather have been working?  Yeah, me too.

We get a flashback of Vicki’s birthdays, including THE RED DRESS.

Burned in MisRed’s retina for ALL ETERNITY

Steve says he has something planned, but it’s not a party.  Vicki says robotically “iloveyousomuch.”  He responds, without looking at her, “loveyoutoo.”   Yeah, these two should, totally, get married.  There is so much passion.

Gina meets Emily at a clothing store.  And MisRed has finally figured out what it is about Emily that annoys her.  All of her clothes are SKIN tight.  She looks like a sausage in everything.  I’m not body shaming her, because she certainly isn’t fat, but it looks UNCOMFORTABLE.  Would it kill you to go up a size?

Sorry I’m late, I got stuck in my shirt.

Emily’s Tesla battery ran out and that’s why she was late.  It’s hard for her.

Gina tells Emily that after she left Tanner’s there was more discussion of Turtle’s antics.  Gina says that the situation reminded Shannon of her marriage to David and this is causing Shannon to worry about Emily.   Gina says that she told the girls that maybe Turtle is a bad guy, maybe he isn’t but maybe it was more of a case of him just being aggravated because he was trying to put the kids to bed and the party (i.e. Gina) was too loud and he snapped.

Emily says that she doesn’t appreciate people having opinions on her marriage.  Well then maybe you shouldn’t have married an asshole.  She interviews there is no way she couldn’t take the comments as derogatory.

Um… yeah.  That’s generally where the words come from. 

Also, she wants to know “WHERE IS THE EVIDENCE?!?!? It’s just people talking out their mouths…” as opposed to where?  Oh right, you should have said “Talking out their asses.”  This one passed the bar on the first try.  Yikes.

Gina does clarify that Shannon accepted the fact that she was putting her personal issues onto Emily’s marriage.

Gina trying to manage the forest fire.

Gina thinks this is an issue between Emily and the other ladies.  Emily agrees and thinks it’s ridiculous because they don’t even know Turtle.  True.  So maybe he should be on his best behavior until they can get to know him.  Just a thought.

Someone cares.  Not us.  But someone.  Terrible name.

Kelly takes Jolie to volunteer at the “Someone Cares Soup Kitchen.”  Apparently, Kelly thought she dressing AS a homeless person was required.

From the Dorit collection of Beverly Orphan Beach. 

Kelly says that worked her whole life- well except until she landed a sugar daddy- and she knows she has spoiled Jolie.   Kelly says her lifestyle has changed since her divorce and she has to reprogram herself, as well as Jolie.

The scene is nice, and it shows that Kelly is attempting to keep Jolie grounded.  Which is more than we see from most of these betches.  All of them should have to work in a soup kitchen on a regular basis.   Jolie is game to help and engages with the people who come in for food- for a 12-year-old, that’s major.  Most 12 years olds won’t even look at you when you talk.

Crazy + Psycho = Normal.  Who knew?

When they leave, Jolie thanks her mom for taking her and she says that it was the best experience ever.  She says she knows she is blessed to be living such a nice life and says she wants to come back and work there again.

Ok, is Kelly winning in the MOM department?  Or it could be that Jolie is just inherently a good kid.  That happens sometimes too.  Whichever it is, Kelly should consider herself to be blessed as well.

We move to Tamra’s with an interesting camera trick- the one where the background is in focus but the foreground is blurry and then it switches.  First Tamra & Eddie’s wedding date…

and then all of the pills Eddie has to take to tolerate Tamra.

Tamra is talking to her mom, Sandy.   we learn that Sandy’s new boyfriend is a pothead.  He’s a plumber, who, apparently smokes weed.  Tamra wants to know if she’s getting a new Dad?   Tamra vents to her mom about Shannon.  She doesn’t understand why Shannon isn’t asking Tamra for advice on her weight loss and/or why she isn’t coming to Cunt Fitness and using one of their trainers?

Why won’t Shannon just give me the money instead of some other trainer with level floors?

MisRed has a theory.  Shannon doesn’t want to go to Cunt because a) the floors are warped b) she doesn’t want Shannon judging her or making her feel badly about her body or her progress or how hard she is working out.  c) she doesn’t want to, potentially, run into David or some of David’s meathead gym cronies.

Tamra tells her mom about Shannon’s settlement and Sandy thinks that’s too much.   Sandy says she has two sons and she would never want a woman to “take them” for that much money.  LOL.  Moms are funny, aren’t they?  Wonder how she felt about Tamar not requesting a financial support from Simon?

Apparently, David wanted to take the utilities out his name and Shannon called Tamra in a panic because she didn’t know she needed to pay for water.  LOL.

Oh Shannon.  You live in California and there’s a drought. It’s probably cheaper to bathe in Grey Goose.

Tamra says that Shannon dumps all of her problems on her and when she gets off the phone with her, she feels DRAINED.  Tamra says Shannon never asks how Eddie is going and she doesn’t care.

MisRed sees both sides of this.  No doubt divorce is difficult, and Shannon needs to vent to someone.  Clearly, she feels comfortable doing so with Tamra.  She knows Tamra has been through a bad divorce.  By the same token, when someone dumps on you constantly, you could, eventually, begin to resent it.

Shannon is a tough friend to have at the moment.  I’m guessing Shannon likes to wallow.  You know what I mean, she just wants to steep in her own misery and not really do anything to change the situation.  It can be painful to be a friend to someone like this, but you have to accept people for who/what they are if you, truly, want to be friends…and we’ve seen Tamra be the fair-weather friend in the past.  It is, however, understandable that one gets drained, especially when she is going through her own issues with her husband’s health.

These betches need a therapist.  That’s a show I would watch “Real Housewives in Therapy.”  From this show ALONE they would have a full docket.  Then add New York in… sprinkle in some LeeAnne Locken, some Twitch Richards,  it could be like CNN- 24-hour programming.

Gina and Tamra show up at Vicki’s for golf.  What the actual f*ck is Vicki wearing?

Vicki looks like a week-old bruise.

MisRed has an issue, in general, with the flagrant and recreational use of ski hats.  Vicki and Kelly, you live in Orange County, your head is NEVER cold.  If you are skiing…ok, wear the hat, but both are wearing it to try to look cool or cute.  Kelly pulls it off way better than Vicki.  MisRed has a friend who wears a hat… in Houston… in the summer.  And it’s a slouchy hat that I SWEAR he bobby-pins to the back of his head.  I always ask him “What is the purpose of that hat?”  He laughs.  I’m like – No.  Don’t laugh. I need an answer.

Vicki says that Steve bought her golf clubs because he was “looking for something we could do together” and since funneling Vicki’s money into an off-shore bank account is more of a one-man job, he opted for golfing.

In the car, Tamra recounts a conversation that she had with her mom about Vicki.  Saying that Vicki has changed.  She won’t dance on the bars in Mexico or go naked in the hot tub… Yeah, well, not since the class-action-restraining order against Vicki from the people of Puerto Vallarta.   Tamra’s Mom agrees, Vicki shouldn’t be doing any of that stuff anymore.

Tamra interviews that Vicki is morphing into a Stepford Wife.  Puhleeze, Vicki doesn’t have enough class to be a Stepford Wife.

A bit of trivia, the Stepford Wives is based on the town of Wilton, Connecticut.  MisRed grew up in the next town from Wilton and spent most of her life working in Wilton.  And…Vicki would NOT fit in there.   In the words of Ramona Singer- She’s déclassé.   And tacky.  And crass.

As opposed to MisRed, you know.  Who is, like, Princess Grace, basically.

Vicki, Tamra and Gina arrive at the Golf Course. Vicki says she “Wanted to do something fun, something we’ve never done before.”

You could… read a book.

The other girls are late.  Kelly and Shannon arrive at Emily’s to retrieve her.  Emily thinks it’s upsetting that the other women have an opinion about her marriage.  Well, I mean, everyone is entitled to have one.

She interviews “Don’t even compare the two.  You are divorced, and your relationship is tumultuous.  My husband and I are together, and we have a great marriage.”

Uh. Ok. Good.  But I’ve found that the people who constantly brag about how great their marriage is, uh, are usually lying- either to themselves or us.  The fact of the matter is, the only people who know what’s happening in a marriage are the two people in the marriage- and even then, that is sometimes one too many.

Plus, Emily could probably break Turtle over her knee and pick her teeth with his Diet Coke fortified bones.

The girls are excited for the Drinks Cart on the Golf Course. Although Shannon is wearing a shirt that says “I’m not the drinks cart girl.”  Is that a dig?

pleasthitvickipleasehitvickipleasehitvicki

The girls do a few practice swings, and yeah, these women are a disgrace.  Gina says golf is for older people.

Tamra says she brought breathalyzers and if anyone is too drunk, they can’t drive the golf cart.  Thanks Tammy.  Nice to see she’s being responsible after almost killing everyone at Glamis Dunes.  You remember… the one where Vicki faked her neck injury.

Shannon is driving the golf care like a lunatic, and she claims to not know anything about golf.  Which is bullshit because we saw her golfing with David, Jim “Mom Jeans” Edmonds and Meghan – when everyone else was almost dying in Glamis and Shannon and Meghan refused to go to the hospital because they were so disgusted by Vicki.   Ah memories!!

Shut up, Vicki.

Vicki says she is drunk- and she is “all fuzzy.”  Great.  Tamra gives her a breathalyzer and it registers “0.0.”  Vicki says that’s good, so she can keep drinking.  Maybe Vicki will get run over by a golf cart.

Kelly has been playing golf since she was a kid and seems quite a bit better than the rest of these women.  They spot a couple of guys on the next hole and try to chat them up.

Back off, Grandma.

They are not interested.  Well that’s surprising.  Men who came out to golf, seemingly taking the game seriously, aren’t interested in a bunch of old hags who talk in their back swing.  Hmmm.

Vicki interviews that the other women are “So inappropriate.”  And that there is a golf etiquette book- and basically, they are breaking every single rule.

Sloppy drunks who can’t play golf.  Just what every country club wants. 

On the second hole Vicki blows a .14 on the breathalyzer. Shannon blows a .12 and Kelly blows a .09.

Ew.

Then Vicki lies down and Tamra mounts her.  This really is so stupid, and it is really gross behavior on a golf course.   Yes, I know, some people may consider the rules to be stupid, but if you don’t like them- don’t golf.  It’s pretty simple.

This is golf, not twister. 

But on a later hole, Emily confronts Shannon about what she said about Emily’s marriage. “Gina and I had a conversation and she said that you made a comment insinuating something about, like, you were concerned for my safety or there being, like, abuse or something.”

We flashback to the actual conversation between Shannon and Gina where Shannon said that it reminded her of her marriage.  And then a double-flashback to Gina’s conversation with Emily where Gina said that the whole thing reminded her of something David would have done and now Shannon is concerned for Emily because it was a pattern in Shannon’s life.

Ok, so we have the receipts.  The word “abuse” was never used- that we saw.  AND Shannon even admitted that she is probably projecting her own bad relationship onto Emily and she knows that’s not the right thing to do.

Back on the course, Shannon says that she would never use that word- she means the word: abuse.  Especially given her history, it’s not a word she would use lightly.  If you will recall David was arrested for battery against Shannon in 2003- and it’s something we have never gotten the full story on…   Emily says that the only thing she has heard about David is that he’s awful and sends horrible texts, etc.

Yeah, well, that’s basically it.  He is also a psycho cheater who doesn’t buy enough wine for parties, can’t find the Crème Brule torch and mentally tortures Shannon with chips and salsa before dinner.

Shannon says that she said she walked on egg shells around him because he would have been very upset in that type of situation- where there was loud noise and the kids were trying to sleep.   Emily says that there has to be boundaries and that if Shannon wants to meet the Turtle and if she has an issue with him, she can take it up with him.

Shannon says she apologizes but she feels she did nothing wrong- everyone was making comments about the situation and she had no intent to hurt or judge and she would never judge anyone’s marriage.  Kelly agrees that Shannon would never judge anyone’s marriage.

At the restaurant, the ladies all sit down and order drinks and food.  Shannon pipes right up and says “Can I ask a question… who put the word ABUSE with Shannon Beador?  Because I never said it.”

David’s arrest paperwork put that word there…

Her spanx for one, but that’s not the point.  And that 2003 arrest for two.

Emily chimes in – Gina said Shannon made an insinuation that she was worried about Emily because she was in an abusive relationship.   Gina is like- I never said that.  And she didn’t say that.

Gina explains what she said, and it’s the exact same story she told before.   Shannon asks why Emily would think that Shannon used the word abuse or abusive and Gina is like- I have no idea.  She recounts the conversation between she and Emily in the boutique and AGAIN accounts it accurately- and that Shannon felt like she might be projecting her own marital problems onto Emily’s situation and Shannon knew this was the wrong thing to do.

Emily is the one who is twisting the story and blowing it out of proportion.  MisRed is blaming the tight clothes, she can’t possibly think straight.

Vicki, who is so full of virtue and honor scolds softly “Are you making that up, Emily?”

Except… you did.

Emily says she isn’t and has no reason to do so. But she has, in fact, inserted the word ABUSE into the conversation on her own.

Tamra is like “Why would she tell people her husband is abusive?”   They all agree “abuse” is a very strong word- and Gina is like- I know- that’s why I would never say it.

Vicki, again, scolds “That’s a very strong word.”  Yes, like “Cancer.”  And “faking cancer.”

Tamra says that maybe it’s a big misunderstanding.  Tamra Judge, the voice of reason.   Tamra thinks it’s a big game of telephone and they want to know where the world “abuse” came from.  Uh, it came from Emily.

They review a convo that Emily and Kelly had a few days earlier- Emily used the word “abuse” in that conversation as well – putting it in Shannon’s mouth.  Gina and Emily decide to go away from the table to talk.

Shannon says to Tamra that she (Tamra) is the one who brought Emily up at Tanner’s and yet, she is the one who is getting the blame for this situation.  Tamra is like “Don’t even f*cking blame it on me, Shannon Beador.”  Shannon is like- I’m not, but everybody made comments and Shannon says she is not accusing Tamra of anything.

Tamra and Kelly both say, “You just did.”

Off to the side, Gina tells Emily that she really only tried to have the other side of the situation because it’s really not an issue for Gina, because it’s Emily’s husband and family that looks bad here.  Emily says, “Well that’s because your husband is not around, but mine is.”  Yeah, Turtle’s yahoo messenger crashed so he can’t stray.

Gina takes that as a dig and is like- Uh yeah, okay.  She starts to walk away.

Back at the table Shannon says that she owned her comment and she also admitted she was projecting onto Emily.  Tamra, who is, clearly, wasted, slurs “When someone makes a comment about your husband, it’s hurtful!”  Shannon is so confused.  Tamra says that all Shannon tells people is how horrible her husband is.

Kelly asks Tamra why she is attacking Shannon?  Because it’s Shannon’s turn to be Tamra’s punching bag.  Kelly interviews that she’s never seen Tamra express any anger toward Shannon.

Emily and Gina continue to talk, and Gina says that she is in Emily’s corner and they hug it out.

I’m gonna hang with you because I’ll need a divorce lawyer soon.

Shannon says that she apologized for something she didn’t even say, and that Emily attacked her on the golf course.  Tamra wants to know HOW Emily attacked Shannon?!?

Shannon is like “She made me put on one of her skin-tight shirts….it was so uncomfortable.”  Just kidding.

Kelly chimes in saying that Emily said that they needed to have boundaries.

Vicki interviews that this is stupid.  Does it matter that Shannon has an opinion about Shane (aka Turtle)?  She says it doesn’t.  It only matters if people have an opinion about Brooks.   And they really should be arguing about something important… like who can fake the best medical records in Orange County.

Shannon tells Tamra that she doesn’t want people putting words in her mouth.  Tamra- fully lit- says that when you have a husband that you love, when someone lays into them, it’s game on.  Shannon is like- I didn’t lay into him.  Tamra says that Shannon compared him to David.

But she didn’t.  Sure, it might be a technicality.  But Shannon said that the situation reminded her of a situation that she might have had with David.  And then admitted she was wrong for saying that and drawing that potential comparison.

Kelly is like- NO, she said it REMINDS her of David.  And that Shannon was NOT comparing.  I love Kelly sticking up for Shannon.

Shannon is like, I don’t really need this shit, and gets up and walks away.

Kelly is like- Look, you made her upset!  Tamra says, “too bad.”

And another thing…

Shannon comes back and is like “Tamra, do you understand what I go through every day with my husband?”  And walks away again.

Tamra is, again, like – Too bad.  Kelly says she shouldn’t say that.  Tamra interviews that Shannon is really good about taking situations and making them about her.  That is true, but this one, Emily and Gina, kind of, made it about Shannon.  And not for nothing, they are all adept at making situations about themselves.

Shannon storms off, presumably to get a nacho, and rips off her microphone.

TO BE CONTINUED

Next week, Tamra tells Steve to marry Vicki.  Gina’s kids are a handful.

And this is where MisRed fell in love with Gina…

Gina offends Turtle again.  Gina admits to Emily that she has marital problems.  And Kelly calls Turtle “a little bitch.”

OMG I love Kelly so much!  And Emily fights back:

Just call Emily “LuAnn West”

Hell, we need something to happen- fo sho.  This season is supes-boring so far.  So far, Gina seems to stick to a truthful story, and MisRed likes that.  Shannon is in the blender already this year, but I’m glad Kelly has her back.  As always MisRed loves to hear your point of view and comments.  xoxoxox

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Welcome back to The Bethenny Show- the show where Andy Cohen asks questions and Bethenny just talks over everyone’s answers, I’m your recapper, MisRed.  Okay, I’ve already watched the show once, without taking any notes.  Thank God for closed captioning.

Previously, Andy asked Dorinda if she has a drinking problem.  And no matter how many times he rephrased it or emphasized different words…

DO you have a problem with alcohol?

Do YOU have a problem with alcohol?

Do you HAVE a problem with alcohol?

Do you have A problem with alcohol?

Do you have a PROBLEM with alcohol?

Do you have a problem WITH alcohol?

Do you have a problem with ALCOHOL?

The answer was always the same:  “Who’sAlCohol?Nevermettheguy.”

The show opens with Andrew Cohen Broken Record, “So you do not think you have a problem with alcohol?”  Dorinda admits that she was in a bad place last fall….and apparently, winter and spring as well, and it was starting to become a problem.  Starting?   She checked herself and analyzed why she was using it as an outlet.

Because the cocaine wasn’t cutting it anymore?  Just a thought.  ALLEDGEDLY.

I talk to my mom, alright?  She makes it nice. 

Dorinda says she has been seeing some therapist every two weeks.  She will not go more frequently than that because she feels she can’t commit to going weekly- and she talks to her Mom.  She says this as if it’s unorthodox, which it may be considered so, however depending on one’s relationship, it may not be unusual.

Talking to your mother is such a pussy move.

This elicits a smirk from Bethenny, who, of course, detests her own mother and hasn’t had an actual conversation with her in years.  `

Andy asks about Colombia when Lu says “You are turning…” Dorinda maintains she was NOT drunk at that moment.

Well that is even more terrifying.

Dorinda says she is still mad about that situation.  Sonja says to Bethenny “She was drunk.”

Bethenny, in her deer stand, says to Ramona “You said that.  I know you are on this program right now where you don’t say anything you actually feel, but you said she was drunk.”

Ramonac does not recall.

Bethenny says Ramona said that Dorinda was drunk at the dinner and after.  Ramona says she doesn’t remember- not in a fake amnesia way- but more in an offhanded way.

Because you know Ramona only watches her scenes, right?  She’s a regular Scheana.  But she must have missed this one because the scene was mainly about Dorinda and Luann.

They roll the tape where Ramona says that Dorinda does not need another drink  and Dorinda told her to “Shut your mouth.”

Before I stuff it full of anti-skin care

Ramona continued that people do tend to change their personality after three drinks.  Dorinda says there is no change.

She’s can be a belligerent asshole after ZERO drinks.

Dorinda says that Lu’s statement was “loaded.”  Yeah, well, so was Dorinda.

Ramona thinks that the statement came at an inopportune moment- that’s MisRed’s word, not Ramona’s.  Ramona couldn’t come up with “inopportune” on her own, especially not in the correct context.  She continues, although Bethenny tries to talk over her, that they were all out, having a good time and she felt that Luann was judging her- which she was- and Dorinda thought it was hypocritical (again, MisRed’s word, not Ramona’s.  “Dorinda felt that LuAnn was being hypochondriacal.”) as she had just gotten out of rehab and shouldn’t be judging anyone else for drinking, especially, someone like Dorinda, who had been a really good friend to her.

Dorinda says she even had a special telephone ring for Luann when she was in rehab and would call her at 3am- “Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw” by Jimmy Buffet- it really dual purpose- covering both the booze and the “street meat” situations.  Just kidding.  That wasn’t the ringtone.  MisRed just made that up.  Really, it’s “Margaritaville.”

Bethenny interrupts that it’s not normal circumstances- “the woman just got out of jail and rehab and so she’s not going to act normally.”

Ugh.  MisRed really can’t take all of this Luann pandering, also if Lu wasn’t one of Bethenny’s soldiers, you know she would have been attacking her for getting arrested and blowing a C.O. to get Ramen from commissary, blah blah blah.

A viewer questions if seeing Luann get arrested and “make a new commitment to live a sober life” (sorry, MisRed can’t even say that with a straight face) make Dorinda ever wonder if she should give sobriety a whirl too?

Dorinda is like- Uh no.  Because she says SHE didn’t get arrested.

WORD

Then she says what we all know to be true “You gotta remember, Luann didn’t go to rehab because she had some huge revelation.  She went to rehab because she needed to stay out of jail and was practically court ordered.”  JOVANI!!!!

Bethenny says getting arrested isn’t the only reason to go and get help.   Dorinda says that she agrees, but if she feels she needs to go to rehab, she will go.  Bethenny asks “Some would argue that saying to your friend who just got out of rehab- is an ex-countess felon might be hitting bottom.”   Dorinda says no.

Bethenny called Luann “a slut and a liar and a hypocrite and a snake”  two years ago in the Beserkshires, but that didn’t prompt Bethenny to go to snake-charming school.

Plus… Dorinda didn’t say anything untrue.  She is an ex-Countess, she was charged with a felony, she did have a mug shot, etc.  Granted her delivery wasn’t the most graceful but…

Andy says that Dorinda was upset that Lu didn’t apologize (in earnest) for her part in the whole Colombia argument and asks the other women if they thought Dorinda had the right to want an apology?   Ramona says that Lu should have apologized for upsetting Dorinda.  Sonja waits for Bethenny to tell her how to respond.

It must have been so humiliating to threaten to kill a cop…

Bethenny says “I think that I can’t imagine how degrading it would be to get arrested and have that video out and then go to rehab and have to rehabilitate and walk into the Countess thing, and I think we could have been a little more sensitive in someone who had just gotten out of rehab and give her the benefit of the doubt.”

Dorinda says she was sensitive and I’m so proud of myself.  I’ve been so sensitive 24/7 to her- I’ve been a really good friend to her more than anyone else here.

Sonja says “Like, you never turn when you drink, and she was just saying you were turning.”

Dorinda is like- Shut up, Sonja.  THANK YOU.  And Carole says that Sonja is the LAST person to be talking about being drunk.

Sonja says, “I don’t get drunk and insult my friends’ vaginas.”   Dorinda is like, you’re drunk all the time, Sonja- keep your mouth shut.

The EZPass makes the most sense, especially at Sonja’s occupancy rates.

Did Dorinda insult Sonja’s vagina?  Oh well, she said that it should have an EZPass.  But that’s just good business.  To be a successful slut, you need to hit the big numbers and you can’t do that if you have to stop and make change for penises passing through.  Dorinda was giving Sonja sound business advice, not insulting her.

And another thing, F*ck you Bethenny, and here’s why.  A) You are a hypocrite.  You have always hated Luann and now suddenly you are her biggest champion because you know the only other person in your corner is a drunk whore who can’t possibly do anything for you.  B) Stop making Luann out to be some kind of SAINT who was in the wrong place and the wrong time and was falsely accused of some crime and was sold down the river.  Luann actually DID all of the things for which she was arrested. C) If Ramona was the one who was arrested, how would you be treating HER in this situation?  Not well, bitch.  D) You will be back to hating Luann next season if we know you.

And Sonja- STFU.  You live in a glass house.  You are a drunk slut who can’t keep her clothes on or her legs closed.  You are the last one who should be judging ANYONE for ANYTHING.  Go suck a d*ck.

Andy brings up the moment when Dorinda was in tears in Colombia – telling Bethenny that she felt badly that she was no longer Lu’s safe place.   Dorinda says that she realized what she did and said had really hurt Luann.  They have had a long, deep friendship and she felt badly- and she feels badly for what Luann is going through now.

Andy asks who thought it was wrong that Luann invited Scott to her Cabaret the day of the show?  Ramona says it was.  Bethenny jumps on the Lu defense train saying that Luann had learned her lesson from what happened with the Dorinda / John situation.  Everyone else is like- no, she was covering up.  Lu apparently texted Dorinda that she had planned for it to be a girls’ night and that’s why John wasn’t invited.  She texted to Dorinda “It’s just a girls’ night only.  I thought you understood that.”

Ok, well if that’s the case that changes a lot of how I feel about the situation.  A) When was it planned to be a GNO?  B) Were the girls ever informed that it was a GNO or was it just ASSUMED that they knew by Lu?  C) If it was stated to be a GNO from the jump, Dorinda shouldn’t have been mad about John not being invited and furthermore Lu should NOT have invited Scott- even at the last minute.  She could have texted Tinsley and been like “Hey, just wanted to clarity I didn’t invite Scott because it’s a GNO.”  Or something to that.

Who wants street meat????

A simple “Leave the street meat at home girls, Momma is going SOLO tonight!” would have sufficed.

Andy asks Ramona her opinion on the topic?  Ramona says that she could understand why Dorinda was hurt, but Dorinda did not intend to address the situation that night because it was Lu’s night.  When the hubbub started and Bethenny got involved, Ramona says she TOLD Bethenny not to say anything because Dorinda didn’t want to ruin Lu’s night.  But Bethenny insisted she needed to talk to Luann.

Bethenny raises the shield and deflects right onto Carole… that during the show, when Luann was trying to focus on singing off-key, Carle told Tinsley she MUST tell Dorinda about the Scott/ John thing- causing Dorinda to go into a JovaniRage.

They argue about how “Jovani” was said and intended.

Bethenny imitates Dorinda’s Jovani

Andy says it seems like Dorinda was heckling her.  I mean, I’m sure there was PLENTY to heckle Luann about during the show, probably the least of which being JOVANI.   Ramona says that the Jovani was very mean spirited.  Hey, all of these betches have their weapons.

Weapons of choice:
Bethenny:  Cutting Insults
Teresa Giudice: Tables and Sprinkle Cookies
LeeAnne Locken:  Knives.  Or hands.  Whatever is available.
Luann: Condescension
Dee Simmons: Stares of Judgement
Brandi Redmond:  Sexual Chocolate
Vicki Gunvalson:  Fake Cancer
Dorinda:  JOVANI!!!

Wendy from Hartford wants to know who is legitimately concerned about Dorinda’s drinking?  Carole and Ramona say yes.   Andy says that Lu said that Dorinda had a drinking problem and Dorinda was jealous of her- how did Dorinda take that in?  She’s like- I didn’t.  I don’t care.  She says she has really tried with her friendship with Lu and she can’t do it anymore.  She hopes that it’s just a blip and they will be friends again one day- but it’s healthy to take a pause sometimes.

For f*cksake we are 9 minutes into the episode.

Let’s dedicate 18 seconds to Tinsley

We get the Tinsley package.  Ok we can US Weekly this sh*t.  Basically, Tinsley and Scott are on and off.

When they are off, both see other people.  When they are off, it’s never for a specific reason, Tinsley thinks that Scott focuses on his work so much that he doesn’t feel he has time for her.

Yet he’s able to have time to date other women when they aren’t together?  Okayyyyy. She says she doesn’t like the fact that he dates other women but she doesn’t want to get too upset and risk losing Scott for good.

Andy asks whether Scott and Dale get along.  Tinsley says she tries to keep Dale away from Scott because Dale is Satan in a circle pin.

Don’t make me beat you with my Bermuda Bag.

She got all emotional seeing her frozen eggs because it represents hope for her future.

The Tinsley Bunch… plus Alice

Surprisingly, Bethenny doesn’t tear Tinsley down for this.  Carole asked for two of the eggs to be poached and one to be hard boiled… but not touching.

Tinsley sees she and Scott being engaged in the next year.

This is the space for the Luann package and how she triumphed over a quickie divorce and an embarrassing arrest to become a CULTURAL PHENOMENON…

Round of applause for Lu and all of her screw-ups!!

but Lu is back in rehab to avoid addressing her relapse and her children’s lawsuit against her.  They review the highlights or the Lulights as the case may be:

Of course.  Bethenny is always right.

Lu telling Bethenny she was right about Tom.  They review her arrest- and her threatening to kill everyone and review her charges and that embarrassing dress she wore.

Ramona’s face though…

Oddly, they don’t review Lu choking on the mustard packet, which is a shame because I was really looking forward to seeing that.

Lu doesn’t feel she needs to label herself as an alcoholic… we review rehearsal and the cabaret performance… the subsequent swelling of Lu’s head to epic proportions… her self-pride in pulling herself together…. Then… womp womp womp… RELAPSE.

Andy asks Bethenny what is going on with Luann?  She says she spent time with Lu over the weekend and had hooked her up with Dennis because her legal situation became more complicated.

I’m so confused about Dennis’s career… I’ve seen banker, I’ve seen financier, I’ve seen entrepreneur, I’ve seen producer, I’ve seen mogul…

Bethenny says that Lu had to face reality over the weekend and realized that with her kids’ lawsuit against her that she was off-track.

Andy says that Lu was very dismissive of all of the women last season- calling them all “jealous bitches,” do they think Lu came into the season with her tail between her legs because of what happened with Tom?

The ladies think she came into the season pretending to have already moved on and that she just wanted to sweep it under the rug.  Andy thinks it was a big moment when she admitted that Bethenny was right about Tom.  Bethenny thinks it was a turning point for their relationship and at that point Lu knew she should trust that Bethenny had some level of good judgment.

I told her Tom likes to go South of the Highway.

Ramona says she told Lu all of the poop on Tom the previous year in Mexico.  She told it to her off camera and Ramona surmises that is why Lu fell in the bushes.

Andy asks if it could have been because of the 18 tequila shots she had- and Dorinda says this is WHY Lu had 18 tequila shots.

Andy asks if the girls suspected Lu was drinking again?  Ramona says she knew Luann was drinking again- she was drunk at The Beacon and was pulling a Sonja- her head in someone’s lap and laying down with her vag out.  Luann was escorted out.  Ramona is surprised it wasn’t on Page Six.  Yeah, well Sonja wasn’t there to call it in.  Ramona also says Lu was drunk at another party and was asked to leave.

Bethenny said she knew Lu was drinking again too and that she didn’t come to the decision to go back to rehab entirely on her own.

Well when was her plea deal reached?  It calls for no possession or consumption of alcohol and a year probation among other things.  She probably went to rehab to reset the dials, so she wasn’t ALREADY in violation of her probation.

Bethenny said the weekend was very emotional.  Andy asks what do they think made Lu reintroduce alcohol back into the mix?  Sonja pipes in that when she was stripping Lu’s cabaret show, Lu wasn’t drinking.  Andy says that when he saw Lu’s act she seems “off.”

Off-key?

Off-balance?

Andy says that all of the ladies have talked about how much more genuine they think Lu has been post-rehab- what did they see that was different?  Bethenny says that Lu just wants to be loved and she is “kind of like a big baby.”

She is like a baby. But a dude.  Like a Man Baby.

 The women agree that Lu is happiest when she’s in a relationship and has her family around, and she can make sure Ictoria is bathing regularly and things really started unraveling years ago when the Count was having an affair and they got divorced.

A viewer asks Ramona why- after saying how inappropriate it was for Tom to have his New Year’s Eve party on the boat where he and Lu had their engagement party- why did she then try to go to the New Year’s Eve party?  It’s not that big of a mystery, Ramona is a leech.

Ramona says, again, it was her friend that wanted to go, so that’s why she reached out to him.  She says it probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do- and in retrospect she should have just told her friend that she didn’t feel comfortable reaching out and asking.  Bethenny relishes pointing out that Tom declined to let Ramona come to the party.  So Ramona went to Pamona’s party instead.

Every party needs a trampoline.

Sonja pipes up that SHE was invited to Tom’s party.  Of course you were, Sonja.  Tom is always looking for somewhere to holster his pecker for the night.  She says she KNEW not to even respond to the invitation.

Oh, okay so Sonja is a non-RSVPing asshole too.

Andy asks if the ladies think the success of Lu’s Cabaret changed her.  They say yes.  Dorinda says that she has lost some people in her life because they can’t handle her ego.  Bethenny says that the arrest and the show made her more famous than she has ever been.  Dorinda says Lu got confused between fame and infamy.  Bethenny says that it’s just part of it and Lu is “on a journey.”

My god, I hate that phrase.

Oh god, coming up The Bethenny / Carole feud.

We come back from commercial with a clip montage of bickering between the two women.  Bethenny says that Carole doesn’t return messages, Carole always defends the person sitting next to her, Carole isn’t interested in the work Bethenny is doing and they don’t have that much in common, Carole doesn’t have kids or a career, clips of them arguing over Adam, their text messages, Carole being into her hair and clothes and Tinsley and selfies, the Red Scarf Rivalry- Bethenny’s subsequent bashing of Red Scarf, etc.

And to continue to throw gasoline onto this bonfire.

It’s pointless to recap this word for word.

WWIII

Andy asks… What happened?  Apparently, the entire thing started when Carole spent the summer in California – she was supporting a friend who had lost her husband.  She and Bethenny just didn’t spend a lot of time together as they had the previous year.  Bethenny felt slighted not to be included in certain events in Carole’s life.

Or…like…everyday

Carole says that she always defends Bethenny to people – when she hears people say nasty things about Bethenny she always shuts down the convo saying that perhaps Bethenny was having a bad day and that Carole thinks Bethenny is a great girl. Yada yada yada.  But when the topic came to Adam, Bethenny didn’t reciprocate the tactic that Carole used, she just piled on instead of shutting down the conversation.  Bethenny argues that she thought Carole and Adam had broken up.

Ok, but still, you don’t necessarily bash someone just because they are no longer with your friend.  Especially when the break-up was amicable.

Andy thinks there was a lot of miscommunication and they could never get things back on track.  Thanks Captain Obvious.  Carole says that Bethenny didn’t want to get things back on track and Bethenny wanted it to be over.

Carole kept asking Bethenny to talk and Bethenny wouldn’t talk to her- it was all just texting.  Carole says they had a good talk after the holidays, but Carole was going to proceed with caution.  Carole says she just wanted to move on and remember why they were friends.

Then we get into the text war.  Bethenny claims that Carole told Bethenny not to talk about her to the other women on camera.  Carole denies this and then Bethenny reaches behind her and WHIPS out a pink plastic folder with all of the text messages printed out.

You better believe I’ve been keeping score…

Meanwhile, Carole puts on her readers and gets on her phone, scrolling through texts.

They will never agree about the content, tone, context of the texts so it’s pointless to rehash.  Net/Net Bethenny accuses Carole of being sad.  Bethenny calls Ramona evil.  Bethenny continually calls Carole cold.  Carole tells Bethenny that this isn’t a conversation for text.  Bethenny continued to text and text and text.

Bethenny says that on the show Carole talked badly about Bethenny the whole season and that Bethenny only said one bad thing “Carole doesn’t have a career.”  Carole is like… I didn’t say anything bad about you- I couldn’t have been nicer.  Bethenny disputes it.

Andy says they both said negative things about each other.

You suck! 
No, YOU suck! 

Bethenny says that Carole’s life is an empty shell, no husband, no children and no career.  Carole says that if Bethenny ain’t happy, she will make everyone else miserable.  Bethenny recounting all of the trips she took Carole on and that Carole is America’s Houseguest.  Carole saying that Bethenny always plays the victim.  Bethenny calls Carole a moron for not fixing Dorinda’s lipstick.  Carole says Bethenny crashes and burns relationship.

Carole says that up until The Mayflower and Colombia, Carole really hadn’t said anything bad.  Bethenny disputes this saying that Carole called her a liar.  Carole says that Bethenny is a liar.  Bethenny denies being a liar. Carole says all Bethenny did all season was bully, brag and bitch.

Bethenny wants examples.  Carole tries to give an example but Bethenny keeps talking over her.  Because Bethenny always has to have the last word.  After several false starts, Carole says that Bethenny got upset because she and Tinsley were friends- and then Carole says she really can’t even remember all of the insults and reaches for her phone.

You act like you are a journalist or something!

Bethenny then mocks Carole saying, “Go to your notes… your COPIOUS research…”. Honey, you are the one with the pink folder stashed behind the couch cushions.

Carole goes to her notes of what Bethenny has called her:

Clingy girlfriend, thick as thieves (with Tinsley), unavailable…

Bethenny interrupts snarkily saying “Ooooooh, that’s bullying….are you going to be okay?”

Poor Cawole got her feewings huwt

Well not sure if it’s bullying, but it certainly is being an interrupting bitch. Carole is like- can I speak?  Bethenny continues to talk over her.

This is so painful.

Carole says that Bethenny created a false narrative about her.

Carole continues:  I was not wanted in Puerto Rico because I care more about clothes than causes, all I care about is hair, and selfies, I’m sad, I’m lonely, I’m in pain over a break-up, I’m a know-it-all politician with a dead husband, I’m a puppet, I’m un-self-aware.

Bethenny says “I didn’t say puppet. Ramona did.”  LOL.

She’s not the only one.

Carole keeps going “I’m self-involved, I’m superficial, I’m high maintenance, childless, jobless…

Ramona says she thinks Bethenny was talking about herself.

Ramona loves that Bethenny is fighting with someone other than her

Carole says as far as she can tell, Carole and Bethenny have the same careers.  Bethenny says they don’t.  That’s right, Carole has 3 Emmys and a Peabody.  Bethenny has shitty tasting booze and bologna, which don’t look quite as impressive on the fireplace mantle.

Carole says that Bethenny also age-shamed her.  Bethenny denies this.  That what she did wasn’t age shaming.  Bethenny says that she wishes Carole would embrace the age she actually is.

What does Bethenny think a 54-year-old should do… ride around on a Jazzy?  As opposed to Bethenny who wears her kids pajamas and posts it on Instagram.

Speaking of acting like a 7 year old

Andy wants to know Bethenny’s reaction to Carole’s accusations? Bethenny says that none of Carole’s list- which is very weak- is bullying.  Bethenny says that Carole has said 50 times worse things about Bethenny.  Carole says that she said she was proud of Bethenny.  Bethenny says Carole called her a narcissist twice and that Bethenny put on a performance when the Nutcracker arrived.

Well, I mean, she did.  She knew the Nutcracker had been found.  She knew it was coming to her apartment.  What else would you call her reaction?

Bethenny wants to know why nobody else feels this way about her?  Um, they do.  And so does, at least, half the audience.

Carole says that by the time they got to Colombia she couldn’t take it anymore.  Bethenny asks why she wasn’t a narcissist last year?  Carole says she was.  Bethenny says that Carole says that she has mental disorders.  Carole denies it.  Bethenny counts being a narcissist is a mental disorder.

Well…you are a narcissist. 

Yes.  Technically.  It falls under the subset of personality disorders under the umbrella of mental disorders.

Andy says that at the finale, Carole said that she and Bethenny could find their way back.  But in one of Carole’s blogs, she said “In Bethenny’s myopic world, she’s the judge, jury and executioner. Her narcissistic personality doesn’t permit any dissenters. She is incapable of having a conversation where she isn’t in control of the entire narrative, her and everyone else’s, regardless of the truth.”   Carole is like- yeah, pretty much.  “She lies about us over and over and over until even we sometimes believe it.  Bethenny should give a master class in gas lighting.”

Bethenny asks Carole when she got her medical degree?  Shut up, Bethenny, you judge people CONSTANTLY.  Dorinda says that Bethenny passes judgement on people.

Carole says that you don’t need a medical degree to see Bethenny’s issues, just two eyes.   And one eye would probably be sufficient- just sayin’.

Bethenny admits she said that Carole doesn’t have a career.

Bethenny is like, you don’t. Carole wants to know if this is what Bethenny calls “female empowerment.”  Carole says her blogs were holding Bethenny accountable for what she said on television about Carole not having a career.

Bethenny says that Carole said that her career was what she was doing while Bethenny was doing B movies.  Bethenny wants to know if Carole was shaming her.  Carole says that it’s the truth.  Bethenny was working as an actress… Bethenny interrupts that all she has done is “B movies to this show.”

That’s not even what Carole is saying.  She’s saying that Carole’s career heyday was at a time BEFORE Bethenny became successful.

Bethenny says that Carole called Bethenny “a caterer” when in actuality, Bethenny was a chef- a natural food chef even before there was such a category for someone like Adam to follow in her footsteps. Well, that’s debatable.

Remember she used to go around to delis and pick up all of her sh*tty dry cookies that didn’t sell? 

And also, Bethenny wasn’t making an actual living as a natural food chef, she was highly in debt and not exactly successful.

Carole says she will match her resume up with Bethenny’s any day.

Bethenny says “Let’s get yours into the current era, the current decade and then we can talk about it.”

Oh f*ck off Bethenny.  Yes, you are successful.  But you could have just as easily been unsuccessful (or not AS successful) had it not been for this show.  And yes, your original SkinnyGirl idea was somewhat novel, but had you not been on this show- in all likelihood it would not have been the success that it is.  And you are certainly NOT the first to release your other products.  Snacks, Drink Drops, Chocolate, Face Goop, Spanx, Slimming Jeans, Cold Cuts… all of these things have been done before- and you aren’t even the first person on this show to do Spanx-like garments- you are the THIRD.  And certainly not all of them have been successful.

In fairness, Bethenny is 7 years younger than Carole.   The main part of Carole’s career was earlier- when she was younger than Bethenny is now and she downshifted after her husband’s death.  We don’t completely know why, but if I had gone through supporting a husband with a prolonged cancer battle and seeing your two best friends die in a plane crash, and I had the financial stability to take a break and follow my passion or just chill for a while- I totally would.   Carole’s book deal came without the help of Andy Cohen or The Real Housewives.

Carole says that a career spans your whole life and people pivot and go into other career phases.  Bethenny says that Carole is the one who brought it up and shamed her.  Andy actually corrects her saying that Bethenny is the one who brought it up on the show saying that Carole has no career- and Bethenny is like “And she doesn’t.”

Oh Sonja… what do you have besides this show and probably the clap?

And if Bethenny is really going to career bash- why doesn’t she go after her BFF Sonja or Dorinda or Tinsley?  Luann was a nurse at one point and now she’s a “cultural phenomenon” so she can’t really bash her.   LOL, who am I kidding… yes, we can. She bashes Ramona ad nauseum despite the fact that Ramona has had a legit career.  Sure, her side ventures haven’t been successful, but that’s not really her main money-making sitch.

It’s interesting that Bethenny wants to hold Carole responsible and gets upset and cries at every little action or non-action on Carole’s part, but mocks Carole when the she lists the things Bethenny has said that have hurt her.

They get into a screaming match about who bashed who on the show… please, when can this be over?   Andy chimes in “You bashed each other on the show. You bashed each other.”

And then the shot heard round the world….

Straw. Camel. Broken. Back.

Carole says, “You’re so full of shit, Andy.”

You know I’m your boss, right? 

Andy plunges a knife in Carole’s heart, Bethenny laughs and then it’s curtains for Carole.

<Insert Maniacal Laugh Here>

Carole asks Andy “Are you afraid of her too?”

Andy sarcastically says “Yeah, I’m afraid of her.”  Andy has Stockholm Syndrome.

Next week, more Bethenny and Carole fighting and the review of pooping and near death in Colombia.   Carole reveals she has a huge hippocampus and Sonja says she has a very small “concanitis” but she has a huge vagina…

Ew.

and in other news water is wet, and Sonja has no clue what a hippocampus is and there’s no such thing as a “concantis.”

I’m dehydrated… so, so thirsty.

And Ramona gets a cramp.

Who is hanging in with MisRed?  Seriously, I need painkillers from this reunion.  Do you think Carole had more valid points or Bethenny?  Do you think Carole is gone as a direct result of her calling Andy a piece of sh*t?  Let me know your thoughts.  As always, I thank you for your support.  xoxox

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Holy shit was this episode a doozey, Trashies. That title I picked isn’t even the half of it.

Because the big hairy beavers? Those, those are lovable. They’re cute and industrious and intelligent. It’s another river beast you need to look out for in Dallas, and she’s called the albino water snake.

If this episode was a Best Hits of This Bitch’s most vile qualities – a cavalcade of horrible human behavior – my lord did This Bitch make a good showing. She opened and ended these 60 minutes with a truly stunning routine of selfish, exhibitionist, and melodramatic behavior, displaying that true narcissism (peppered with shameless stupidity) will win over humanity, on television and perhaps in life, time and time again. So brava to This Bitch, this Becky, this new KellyAnne, proving to us with ease and prickly umbrage, that an angry, skinny blond idiot will always distract us with her shiny malice and a cold, dead heart.

You win, you terrible Bitch. You’re not even worth fighting. Sob.

On another note, Cary made up for all This Bitch’s wretchedness, so this episode wasn’t completely a festering pile of dying, once-rabid possums.

So let’s pick up where we left off. Stephanie has just announced Brandi’s new baby, Bruin, and This Bitch is incensed that not only was she not told ahead of time, but she was lied to half an hour earlier. Even so, she’s still in public, so she tries to look happy. Or something. Look. Look at her. Wow. What a trooper. What a good friend. I mean This Bitch can’t even hold her excitement in:

This is the picture you see when you land on the Wikipedia page for Fake Bitches Trying to Look Happy for Other Girls They Hate

There’s a montage of the cast squinting and pursing their lips and being all confused about this adoption thing (I don’t know why; Brandi adopted a baby; how is this hard). D’Andra, who’s like, trying to convince the world she doesn’t have a problem with Brandi or anything, says “I am in total shock that Brandi and Bryan are adopting a baby; LeeAnne was telling me that they didn’t have a great marriage. I thought they were getting a divorce.”

Hey, supportive!

This Bitch introduces what will be the bug bear for her this whole episode (and probably season, because pink dog food can only be interesting for so many seconds) with “I wanna be ex-SYYYYYYYY-ded…”

“… bitt at the same time, lyke, why did you keep your baby a SEEEEE-krut? It’s not like you’re MADONNA or BEYONCE.”

And it’s not like you’re a real person with actual thoughts, so who cares, right?

This Bitch tells Brandi how she got suckered into Stephanie’s lie about a sarah-get and admits how “embarrassed” she is. Fucking WHY? How does this (admittedly random, I’ll give the girls that) adoption have anything to do with you? Why do you think other people care about how you received the news? It’s a fucking baby, not your tax return. No one’s asking you to sign the baby’s ass for legitimacy’s sake, cheese and crackers!

The second thing that This Bitch gets totally snizzed over is other people making up with LeeAnne. Last week it was Cary; this week it’s Brandi. This Bitch can. not. stand. other people being friends with the GOAT, because the GOAT is This Bitch’s friend!

So, because big milestones like babies and weddings and deaths in the family and boob jobs “Really Put Things Into Perspective” for Housewives, Brandi is morally contracted to make good with LeeAnne, who at last year’s Reunion she said she couldn’t see a future with. But now that Baby! is here and is a thing, Brandi has to love everyone again (everyone except for D’Andra) and be a Bigger Person.

Back to This Bitch griping about all of that with her Unfurled Condom earrings:

She’s totally cool with promoting safe sex but don’t you dare whip out a dildo in front of her.

Wanting to bring the attention back on herself and her terribleness, This Bitch decides to harass each of the ladies individually at the party and say, “come to my family’s disgustingly huge and boast-worthy home in Beaver Creek so I can add some flavor to my character and be in all the scenes. Pretty please! Here’s $300 by the way.”

And the ladies are all like, “k whatevs”

D’Andra comes up to congratulate Brandi, so Brandi chooses this as her moment to confront D’Andra about her horrible makeup all those bad things she’s said about Brandi, like the fact that she has “squinty eyes” and abuses Adderall.

D’Andra insists that the article to which Brandi was referring was about D’Andra “in general” and the fact that lots of people in Dallas take Adderall “for more than what it’s prescribed for” (in other words, to my fellow old fogies who are in bed by 8:30, people take Adderall as a recreational stimulant, sort of like a less extreme version of cocaine). Brandi isn’t buying it, though, and says she heard her side of the story from a “very credible source.”

Cut to Brandi’s very credible source:

D’Andra brings Cary out to the deck and starts bitching about how pissed off Brandi is, insisting that the article she contributed to wasn’t about her. And Cary’s like, yeah, well, back in LA you totally told me you that it was, so…

D’Andra doesn’t deny it at that point but asks Cary if she told Brandi about it. Cary just shrugs proudly and is like:

duh of course I did what show do you think this is

Cary’s reasoning for telling Brandi is that she “takes drug abuse really seriously” and would always tell a friend if there were relevant rumors swirling about them. Because Cary, a licensed medical professional, thinks that’s how effective interventions work.

D’Andra, who totally sucks at defending herself and thus being a Housewife, doesn’t even get mad at Cary for the double-crossing and instead doubles down on Brandi, whining in her interviews that Brandi should have just confronted her directly instead of like, being home with a newborn and not getting involved in bullshit and quietly stewing about it with people she trusts. I like how D’Andra is basically shitting on Brandi for not being direct five seconds after lying to Brandi about thinking she has a drug problem and then hinting about it in an article. “Enjoy your baby and your Adderall,” D’Andra says, polishing off her flute of champagne.

Maturity!

Five days later, as the girls are all packing for Beaver Creek…

… This Bitch calls Cary to warn her not to pack anything fancy. And trust me, if you want to take fashion advice from anyone in the world, it’s This Bitch:

… who wears pink glitter heart studs and whatever tf these sunglasses are

This Bitch also says that “Court told me I could take the plane!” because ugh, of course she belongs to a family that both has a PLANE and a woman who needs permission from a MAN to use it.

For funsies, This Bitch also sent everyone monogrammed “jam-jams!” that they are legally required to wear on The Plane Our Friend’s Husband Said We Could Use As Long As We Don’t Menstruate All Over It:

LeeAnne initially tries to be all cute with This Bitch on the phone when she calls to thank her, mentally swearing to never put these cursed threads on her body, but blanches when This Bitch tells her that she needs to wear them to the tarmac, and on the flight, and later after they land, and thus be seen in public with them.

This Bitch calls up a well-known Housewives playing card in her interviews, saying that “she just wants to show these girls she knows how to have fun,” and fun for This Bitch is a pajama party (of course it is) on a private jet: “PJs on the PJ!”

Good news for Brandi!:

… Turns out Stephanie’s $22,000 baby-themed party was so sexy and fun and erotic that Brandi managed to get herself penetrated for the first time since adopting a baby. She was too drunk to remember it though, so I’m imagining it was just Bryan wiggling around for 3.4 minutes on top of Brandi’s half-asleep body, unable to remember what goes where, before he gave up and said “FINISHED” and then flopped back onto the floor and then Brandi said “mmmm that’z ameeezinn I came three tymez uh luv yu Brnnnn.”

Stephanie tells Brandi and us that right after this trip to Beaver Creek she’s hopping off to Italy with her family. I don’t know why this is relevant other than Stephanie telling us she’s going to eat a whole lot of “pizza and pasta and gel-LET-to.”

Yum, gelletto!

Brandi relates her conversation with D’Andra and correctly asserts that D’Andra’s a pussy who a) doesn’t want to fight and b) doesn’t want to own up to her own words or actions. So good, there’s that I guess.

Over at D’Andra’s house, D’Andra is losing her mind in front of Jeremy, squawking about what a “bully” Brandi is as Jeremy does that Bare-Minimum, Supportive Househusband thing and just repeats the words “so be done with it,” over and over, talking over his wife, probably in an effort to drown her out. D’Andra interviews that this whole fight is due to the fact that “women don’t know how to communicate,” bitching about the fact that Brandi didn’t come to her directly “to tell her she had an issue with me!” Sort of like how you told a blog that Brandi had a drug problem instead of doing the helpful, friendly, adult thing and telling Brandi yourself? Hey, I’m just a recapper with eyeballs and earholes, what do I know.

I do give her credit for using the phrase “tête-à-tête” when she swears she’s going to have a good time on the trip, though. When Jeremy gets up to leave, accurately whining that D’Andra won’t let him speak, she deflects by holding up some ghastly top a rich grandmother would’ve worn to her grandson’s bar mitzvah in 1996, saying, “isn’t this cute?”

Sure, Bubbie

Good god, D’Andra actually gives the Potomac ladies a run for their money.

Oh bruther:

I command every avian creature in the Dallas-Fort Worth area to take a shit on this thing immediately.

Everyone rolls up to the Westcott Family Jet® in their Jam-Jams, except for D’Andra, who complains that the bottoms made her ass look fat:

Oh D’Andra, your ass is the least problematic thing about your entirely elective appearance. Also, couldn’t you at least wear the top? I mean no one hates this pajama rule more than I do but come on, be a fucking sport, dummy. If you can wear a heinous, seizure-inducing, graphic blouse from Caché you can wear this.

This Bitch gets all indignant in her interviews because “do you know how much work goes in to getting pajamas at the last minute?!” and she even “had her monogrammer on call and she turned it around in TWENTY-FOUR OW-WERRRZ” and ugh, god, you’re such a betch, D’Andra, jeeze!

side note: This Bitch really takes Housewives gold in an “I’d Like To Speak With Your Manager” Face Marathon

Of course, because she’s the living worst, This Bitch created a FUCKING ITINERARY for this casual girls’ trip where everyone just wants to drink wine all night and sleep all day. And of course, because she think she’s Elle Woods, it’s fucking pink (and probably scented). I present to you: Beaver Babes…

Same, LeeAnne.

Brandi and Stephanie are, on some level, my spirit animal, so they shit all over this itinerary in their interviews.

Now this is what I call an itinerary.

As she talks about how much she *loves* organizing things in her interview, I realize that This Bitch is one of those assholes who like, is obsessed with planning bachelorette weekends, but probably puts together extravagant horror shows that costs each person $2400 (all expenses included! except the flight to Bali!) and is scheduled down to the minute since everything and everywhere required a deposit and a birth certificate and a blood sample, and then when everyone cancels at the last minute she gets all pissy and whines about FAKE BITCHES and tells the bride THAT I’M YOUR ONLY REAL FRIEND and writes an obscenity-laden email to the whole bridal party and makes the wedding all about herself and generally ruins everyone’s life forever, since no one wants to support her. I mean her best friend. Who’s getting married next week. They’re like sisters, and she was just trying to do something nice, OK.

The first thing the girls do when they land (after D’Andra grumbles some more about Brandi, not worth my time) is go to an adorably named liquor store:

… called Beaver Liquors. GET IT. HAHAHAHAHAHA GET IT. BEAVER LIKE VAGINA AND LIQUORS LIKE LICKERS. DO YOU GEHT IIIIIIIIITTTTTTT??????!

Ya guize, I don’t get it! Neither does This Bitch, but she guesses that Brandi and Stephanie would loooooove this store. Joke’s on her, the most stoked one to be there is Cary, who struts in with a pep in her step, like this:

tbh, I’ve never loved Cary more than in this shot.

Beaver Liquors sells all sorts of cheeky merchandise because their name is based on some deep, subversive joke that you have to be really smart and cultured to understand.

I still don’t get it!

This Bitch is scandalized not because of the store name (which she still doesn’t get!) but because her friends literally crack open bottles of Patron and drink it in the middle of the aisle:

… Cary rightly assumes that’s because This Bitch has a) never been to a liquor store and b) “never had her beaver licked.” By the way, Cary thinks she looks like a lush by paying for all this at checkout:

… to which I say: eh? Two bottles of tonic, two mixers, the Patron and some Cointreau? That sounds like the dusty shit you’d find in the bottom of your parents’ liquor cabinet and polish off in a night with your friends. That sounds like the start of a “first time I got drunk” story.

This Cointreau bloody mary is delicious, bro! I’m gettin so fucked uppppppppp [burp].

The girls finally roll up to the house and we get a tour. I mean, it’s a nice house I guess? Big and heavy and gaudy, it seems like a very extravagant Airbnb with a lot of wow factor but no personality. That said, it absolutely looks like the kind of place a poor person thinks a rich person owns, which is confirmed when LeeAnne breathlessly praises it as “absolutely, architecturally, so visibly stunning.”

This Bitch says her mother-in-law decorated the whole place, which I believe, since the whole house has a timeless, thick-curtained feel. But timeless in a bad way, like someone could have picked out the same log cabin shit in 1978 or 1998 or 2018 and it would all look the same:

The only stern objection I have to any of it is This Bitch’s master bed, which reminds me very much of a beaver someone might want to lick:

Oh, and the house also has a bowling alley and an elevator that makes the girls think of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.

Unfortunately, this elevator in particular did not burst through the ceiling and shoot them all straight into the sun, which feels like a missed opportunity.

As the girls unpack, Brandi and Stephanie write a message to This Bitch on one of those deeply clever Beaver Liquors posters and tape it to her bed, because haha, Brandi and Stephanie like deeply clever sex jokes and This Bitch is a lily white virgin who can’t buy toilet paper herself in a store because of the implications:

This Bitch finds the poster and is thoroughly appalled, gawking out “OH. MY. GAWD-dah,” over and over, like she just walked in to find Brandi and Stephanie having diarrhea all over the carpet. She plucks the poster off her foot board with pinched fingers and holds it out in front of her like it’s a bag of said diarrhea, walking around frantic and aimless, waiting for someone to come take it away. Ewwwwwwww, she thinks. Ewwwwww-wuh! It’s a sex thing! Ew, oh my god, what will the Junior League think of me now? I’m ruined! Curse those lusty trollops!

This Bitch brings the poster downstairs and tries to act all outraged at Brandi and Stephanie but can’t help but smile. Brandi correctly asserts that This Bitch is secretly obsessed with her and loves the extra attention: “it’s like flirting!” Oh Brandi, never flirt with This Bitch.

Then This Bitch brings the poster to LeeAnne and D’Andra, acting all *real* outraged so LeeAnne and D’Andra will smooth her hair and tell her she’s Good and remind her how to act with these dumb idiots who are clearly dumber and idioter than she is. LeeAnne tells her Brandi and Stephanie are just going to [raspberry] until This Bitch gets all [crazy face], so don’t buy in:

“Okay… okay,” This Bitch breathes, acting as if this is a real problem.

Sensing A Blockage… or some shit, LeeAnne tries the tack of getting This Bitch to meditate. But because This Bitch has a bunch of Keystone Cops running in and out of a many-doored hallway where her brain should be, she can’t take it seriously and keeps cracking up after trying to stay still and think for 3+ seconds:

Meanwhile, the other ladies are focused on more important things. Brandi and Stephanie, thoroughly housed out of their god damned minds at this point, are trying to figure out how to do sled:

is sled?is sled?oh, is sled!

Cary, meanwhile, is doing Cary, and has her priorities right:

She brings her carefully crafted cocktails into the meditation room and falls asleep on the floor, because she’s the Best One:

Zen Zen ZezZzZzZzZzZ

Later that night, This Bitch bosses around someone who’s been hired to be bossed around named Sylvia and holds the official title of “House Manager,” gag me. This Bitch asks her in a Socratic way what they can do to Make it Nice and claps her hands and jumps up and down when Sylvia suggests moving the vases off the table.

“Wow! That way we can put food stuffs for eating activity on the thing! The turbal I mean! How clever! Thanks, Samantha!”

The girls eventually all gather around the table and Brandi is drunk enough to be salty that she’s next to D’Andra but also drunk enough to burp and realize she doesn’t have the energy to care.

Then the chef comes out and talks about the ridiculously fancy food he cooked, that these ladies don’t deserve, and his restaurant gets a shout-out, so yay for him! This poor schlub!

At least the mistress approves:

And – shameless confession – I realize I’m instantly attracted to him. Not only does he look like the horrendous bastard amalgamation of all my ex-boyfriends (yeah, I have a type, and that type is Kevin James in a multi-camera sitcom), but he’s a CHEF. And he tolerates screaming drunk women in front of a camera. I’m a girl who loves food AND Kevin James lookalikes AND screaming women in front of a camera. We’re perfect for each other!

Also, ladies and gay guys, try dating a chef. But only for two weeks. Get three amazing, inventive dinners out of it, tolerate seven rounds of awful sex (sorry, he will have morbidly high cholesterol), and then cut it off before he turns crazy and starts leaving Christmas decorations at your door in the middle of the night because you told him to stop sending you selfies from the parking lot at Kohl’s. Don’t ask me how I came to acquire this wisdom.

Trying yet again to prove to her cast mates that SHE KNOWS HOW TO HAVE FUN!…

(safe, sex-positive fun, that is)

… This Bitch breaks out one of those adult-themed(ooooh!) Twenty Questions games she found in front of the register at Barnes & Noble, because This Bitch SUPPORTS BIG BOX CHAINS AND STILL PERSONALLY SHOPS AT BARNES & NOBLE. IT’S GOOD DIVIDENDS. ADJUSTED DILUTED EPS AND ALL THAT, MY HUSBAND SAID.

“If you could watch a video of yourself making love, would you,” This Bitch asks, screaming into the ceiling and feeling positively sinful for saying the words “making love.” D’Andra and Cary both agree that they’d watch it to critique their own bodies and approach. I should add that Cary is like Brandi&Stephanie-Times-Ten level drunk at this point.

Also, for what it’s worth, I’m on the same page. Watching a sex tape of myself would be about as educational and titillating (and visually accurate) as watching someone slam a raw chicken into a water balloon, but I’d still take notes for posterity’s sake. I also love Cary’s comment: “there might be a sex tape of me somewhere but I think it’s on VHS, so good luck finding it.”

After the drool-worthy prime rib is brought out, This Bitch changes gears and asks Brandi about her baby, which is really a decoy to drone on about how mad she is at Stephanie for making her feel “like an idiot” with the sarah-get lie.

Everyone can sense that This Bitch is getting weird, shifting into an alter-ego of her pink, bubbly self, swiftly evolving into a violent, backwards-talking monster that is virtually impossible to deal with. Which makes sense, considering those drapes are practically screaming that we’re in the Black Lodge. This Bitch is essentially carrying on her stupid campaign from the beginning of this episode, haranguing about being left out of this big, amazing secret that everyone knew (not really) except her. Obviously, this is all directed at Brandi even if This Bitch is dressing it up as a tirade against Stephanie.

Brandi tries to shut This Bitch’s nascent tantrum down by assuming COMPLETE BLAME! (what blame? oh god my stomach is starting to turn) and Cary plans, and reacts, accordingly:

“YA WANT SUM?”
God I love this woman

Cary interviews that getting in an argument with someone like This Bitch is impossible, since her “brain goes on repeat,” and reiterates that argument in real time by calling This Bitch “badger badger badger” and telling her to shut up. She passes out a round of shots and grabs a new sexy question out of the card pile to diffuse the situation.

She really is the most likable, reasonable person I’ve seen on one of these shows, which kind of means she doesn’t belong here, but it’s OK. She is one fun fucking drunk.

“What reveals most about a person’s sexual skill: how they dance, dress, or kiss?” Cary asks. Brandi answers that it’s in his kiss, and taunts This Bitch to come kiss her since she has the “best lips.”

A flood wells in This Bitch’s pants since she was just paid a compliment by the popular girl. A false one at that – LOL, This Bitch has the best lips? This Bitch has Kevin Bacon’s lips on John Waters’ face in Mrs. Garrett’s wardrobe. Please.

Through the questions, Brandi keeps up this hilarious-to-everyone-except-This-Bitch campaign of wanting to get with This Bitch sexually, as everyone cackles and This Bitch just sits in her seat awestruck. Brandi says, “I’ve only been with one person in my life; you’d be number two” (damn straight This Bitch is a Number Two). This Bitch then shits all over Brandi by saying “I thought you’d have like number fifty or something like that!” Nice!

Brandi insists that she has a “super clean vagina,” and LeeAnne defends that “you can be with a lot of people and still have a super clean vagina,” and I give LeeAnne a gold star for breaking down stigmas against sexual promiscuity. It’s OK to be a ho, you guys!

Then Brandi just gets up and full on tries to make out with This Bitch, and I’m like, whatever. Everyone is drunk at this point, minus our super socially conscious sex ed teacher, LeeAnne. Let’s just sit back and wait for the fireworks to start in 10 minutes. Put the dog inside and grab a beer.

And then D’Andra, because she is both an idiot and a coward, tries to use this moment – when Brandi is legally comatose and won’t remember a thing, let alone recognize the words coming out of her own mouth – to try to patch things up with Brandi.

Obviously, that goes nowhere as we go to commercial on Brandi laughing her ass backwards until she cracks her skull on the floor.

Just kidding! When we come back she’s watching Cary get naked and jump into the hot tub:

This Bitch is living for this, emerging from the house and seething on the outside…

… but secretly vibrating on the inside, her veins buzzing with a youthful thrill she forgot existed, unknown to her since that day a pretty little girl named Kelly played with her hair and tickled some nerve endings behind her ears, all the way back in Fourth Grade music class. It was a Wednesday, she remembers to her surprise? She says in her interview: “first Brandi tries to MAKE OUT with me, then Cary and Brandi both GET NAKED in front of me! Am I THAT irresistible? I feel so WANTED today!”

I can’t. This Bitch writes my material for me. It’s too easy. Show: barrel. This Bitch: fish. Me: gun.

Everyone gets in the hot tub, except for LeeAnne, who wisely and self-awarely, has been drinking water all night:

“Too many shots and naked twats spells T-R-O-U-B-L-E for me!”

And she rhymes! God bless the carnie road that led us to LeeAnne. Everyone thinks that something is “off” with her, even though what’s “off” is that LeeAnne isn’t stoned out of her fucking mind and smashing glasses at fancy gatherings, so this really is concern trolling, but whatever. Drunken tribe is gunna drunken tribalism.

Soon, everyone gets out of the hot tub for ice cream and we finally get our infuriating, hair-teary-outty moment of the evening, courtesy (of course) of This Bitch. And considering that it’s a million o’clock in the morning and now I’m almost as wasted as these monsters (and also fucking disgusted) I’m just going to breeze through it.

So basically it starts with D’Andra diplomatically announcing that they’re all way too drunk to perform for the camera (aka, fight) and should probably go to bed. She high-levels it by saying that Cary probably has drama with LeeAnne:

LOL, what? I’m just as confused as drunk, candid Cary here.

… and D’Andra has drama with Brandi. This Bitch cuts in to ask “Were your feelings hurt that you didn’t know about the baby, or…?”

D’Andra takes a big gulp and rolls her eyes. The room hushes and bristles at the sound of a Bravo Tensity Symbol©, until Cary bursts up to stalk out of the room and spit out how stupid that question was. Brandi hangs her head in her hands and starts to murmur, drunkenly and tiredly, that she doesn’t want to fight about this or defend herself. Stephanie begins to sigh that no one – including people that Brandi’s known for 10 years – knew about Bruin.

Regardless, This Bitch keeps purring menacingly that seeing a new baby is “a lot to take in,” and bla bla bla, somehow she felt deceived, and whatever, this heinous bullshit is not even worth recapping because it’s so nauseating and reprehensible to even fathom the idea that This Bitch 1) thought Brandi’s family was any of her business, or 2) deems a woman’s adoption process – and motherhood in general – as a matter for her baseless, sanctimonious judgment.

As Brandi unsurprisingly leaves the room to go cry drunk in her bedroom, Stephanie keeps up her defense, chiding This Bitch by saying “we’re not going to bash Brandi for adopting a baby.” And This Bitch, knowing she’s stepped in it – knowing she just made herself the villain – grabs on to that phrase, turning it on Stephanie and attacking Stephanie for like, I dunno, what the fuck ever, assuming This Bitch is bashing babies or something.

Then there’s a whole lot of “bashing babies” talk and I imagine a bunch of babies as these humpty dumpty, hollow little jackolanterns, sitting unassuming and vulnerable on a porch some cold, quiet night in late October, waiting for a bunch of punk ass teenagers to roll up in a Dodge Charger and stalk out and throw them against a lamp post. Babies bashing into mealy smithereens as This Bitch watches from the passenger’s seat. Laughing and wriggling and flipping her hair, thinking about how funny and cool her new boyfriend is. The one who bashes babies, surging with confidence and virile carelessness, while all the old boring people are asleep. Hahaha, I knew some day someone like him would recognize me, she beams to herself. Splat, goes another baby on the windshield. This Bitch flips the wipers on and pushes out her breasts, flashing an evil toothy grin, hoping He sees. Hoping He likes.

Anyway, in real time, This Bitch, feeling all Right! and Wronged! stalks up to her room (IN HER ELEVATOR, not the stairs) since Stephanie “put words in her mouth” and far be it from This Bitch to attack (gasp, clutch pearls) an adopted baby of all god-given things. Meanwhile, the court of public opinion goes to coddle Brandi:

snort.

As Stephanie lays in bed with her buddy, stroking her scalp and cooing about going home, D’Andra and Cary, both wasted and exhausted, endure This Bitch’s fiery tantrum in her bathroom, where she resolutely announces that she wants Stephanie – Putter Of Words In My Mouth – out of my house!

And poor Cary, dizzy and numb, just manages to look This Bitch in the eye by way of acknowledgment, shrugging dumbly, feeling only enough to not commit to such a stupid scheme.

Cary’s up past her bed time, feeling the absolute nothingness that travel and altitude and liters of alcohol have wracked on her body, commanding her corporeal form to make faces at things and move around enough to look gracious, at least enough to look cogent. A few hours ago she was in heaven, squeezing lemons in a beautiful masculine kitchen, making a tropical smoothie in a setting so remote and landlocked and impenetrable it seemed unfair. And now, fuck her, here she is, paying the price. But maybe tomorrow she can start fresh and avoid those small missteps. Tomorrow, she can trust that This Bitch most certainly will sleep well past 11 – because she’s a child, of course – and Cary can walk out hours before she’s even dreaming. She’ll be greeted by a fresh, white, blinding blanket of snow, and she’ll listen to that beautiful, vacuous, romantic silence that only Winter plus Nature can conceive. And she’ll smell the cold, and enjoy the smile that will unconsciously spread across her chapped cheeks. A squirrel will skirt by as a deer steps snaps unwittingly through a branch, and that will be the only drama there is to speak of. So Cary will feel a strange, untenable sense of peace: a solid, satisfactory Rocky Mountain High.

Next Week: Suhprise, Stephanie leaves:

But it’s OK, because everyone and their vagina still manage to have fun:

Well, maybe except for LeeAnne:

… and her vagina:

See ya then, Trashies!

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Hi, Trashies. So, is it just me, or is this season pretty much the worst? I think the whole thing can be summed up by saying, “Lots of grown men throw temper tantrums while the women remain civil and mature.” Anyway, this week, we open with everyone playing some football on the beach while we get a recap of all the love triangles. Speaking of love triangles, Jenna decides to spend her time talking to Benoit, and Jordan is, of course, pissed off. He says that he’s heartbroken for Jenna that she is focused on two different guys and she “has to go through this.”

Jenna doesn’t look like she’s “going through this.”

Jordan sees Jenna making out with Benoit and this is our first temper tantrum of the episode. I’m so over the guys at this point. They’re so possessive and aggressive. It’s just exhausting.

Speaking of possessive and aggressive, we have to cut to Chris. He’s cuddling with Krystal telling her how much he loves her ass. Krystal asks him if he wants to get married. Gee, I wonder which of these two is serious about a relationship.

Hint: It’s not the one with the weird double hairline.

Chris tells us that his connection with Krystal is solid, but that just means that someone is about to come in and ruin that. That person is Connor! He is interested in Krystal and we find out that she came here specifically to meet him. After they talk, she tells Chris that she came her for Connor, but she made it clear that if she went on a date, she’d be thinking of Chris the whole time. Of course, that doesn’t mean that she’s not going on the date at all. Of course she is! And here’s where we get another Chris tantrum. So far, that’s two man tantrums and the episode is only a little over 20 minutes old.

RUN AWAY, KRYSTAL!!!!

Krystal leaves for the date and we have to keep talking about her and Chris. Why do people for bad for Chris? Krystal is just smart for going for literally any other guy. The date is kind of weird. Connor uses what little Spanish he knows to say, “I don’t speak English. Please.”

And then they’re buried.

Back at the resort, Chris is still complaining. He says, “Why would she go out with another guy when I’m right in front of her.” Well, Chris, have you met you? You’re kind of terrible. It’s amazing to me that all of these guys are pissed about the women going on dates with other people when they’ve all been doing the same thing. These crop of dudes really is the worst the show has ever had.

I hope Chris makes good on his threat to go home.

That’s enough of that drama, so let’s go watch Jordan be a giant pile of possessive shit!

And Jenna is just way too drunk for this conversation.

Somewhere in there, I guess Jenna tells Jordan that she plans to break things off with Benoit. Did I miss that?

I guess Jenna missed it too.

I feel like Jenna was just way too drunk for all of this. Anyway, instead of talking Jenna about what is going on, he decides to throw another temper tantrum and freak out at Benoit.Benoit is all of us.

Oh, thank God, we get to spend some time with Kenny. Sadly for Annaliese, he’s coming to tell her he’s leaving to go to his daughter’s dance recital. I kind of feel bad for the woman, but, at this point, it’s a little comical to see how often she just keeps getting dumped. The funny thing is, Kenny could have totally said something like, “I have to go because I feel awful about missing my daughter’s recital. Here’s my phone number. Why don’t we get together when you get back from filming?” I don’t really blame him because he hung out with Annaliese for all of a day. I’m just going to miss Kenny on my TV screen. This man is the king (no pun intended) of mature breakups.

Do you think Annaliese will break Ashley’s record for the amount of time spent crying in a single season?

Chris is staying up hoping to see Krystal when she gets back from her date. When she and Connor get back, Chris actually pretends to be asleep on the couch. What a fucking moron. When he “wakes up,” he tries to talk to Krysta.

And Krystal wants none of that.

We cut to the next morning where we find out in a 12-second flashback that John broke up with Jubilee and she went home. What the hell?! Why did we not see any of this?! Annaliese is still crying when Kamil (Becca – he of “60/40” infamy) comes in. Here is actual footage of Annaliese as he walks in:

Of course, Kamil asks Annaliese out. Remember when she was super traumatized by bumper cars and freaked out during the demolition derby date?

She got over it quick.

So, while on this date, Annaliese tells us that she hasn’t had “those giddy feelings” toward a guy in a long time. Wasn’t she just crying about Kenny that morning? Also, Chelsea is starting to get fed up with the whole process because no one seems to want to date her. That does kind of suck.

Oh, hey, Kevin and Astrid are still here. Kevin tells her how much he really likes her, but he wants her to go on a date with another guy…for reasons. I don’t really follow it all. It seems like he’s trying to dump her because there’s no drama. At least he admits to being in therapy twice a week. God bless the Canadian healthcare system! In the end, everything is fine and they’re back together. That was a waste of time.

And we’re back to more Jordan/Jenna/Benoit drama. Jordan basically gives the typical fuckboy response of, “You’ll never find anyone who loves you like I do.” Oh, fuck off with that, Jordan. There are seven billion people on this planet. Jenna is bound to be compatible with at least a few of them. Jenna is just still way too drunk for this whole situation.

Jenna just asks for help with her hair.

Jenna breaks things off with Benoit for real this time. Of course, he does not handle this well. Hell, we saw how he reacted when Claire decided to pursue someone else on Winter Games after he hung out with her for all of a few hours.

And this is where we start the Joe/Kendall/Leo drama. Kevin lets it slip that Leo kissed Chelsea immediately after their date. Apparently, Kendall is the only person who didn’t know. I see where Kendall is coming from. She’s not upset that Leo kissed her, just that he lied to her about it all. I also give her a lot of credit for not going after Chelsea in this situation. This is where Leo just starts swirling the drain. His arguments just don’t make sense. Then we get yet one more temper tantrum as he flips out on everyone else because “someone snitched.” So, Leo thinks that things are ruined because someone told Kendall about it. You know, not because he kissed Chelsea and then kept it from her. Also, if “kissing is a handshake here,” why did he want to keep it from Kendall?

It’s like watching a group of toddlers.

I really wish we didn’t have to watch this Leo BS. Seriously, the producers can block out every woman’s ass, but they can’t just have a giant black box of all of Leo? With some urging from Colton, Kevin decides to just tell Leo that he was the one who told Kendall because he assumed she just knew. Of course, Leo handles this like the toddler that he is. Kevin bursts onto my good side when he quotes Justin Trudeau and ends it with, “Leo, go fuck yourself.”

Oh, Canada, indeed!

There’s another confrontation with Leo and Kendall and he turns into a ridiculously manipulative ass hat. Yes, Kendall ruined his day because she was upset with him. He still thinks the whole situation was about the actual kiss. Here’s an illustration of Leo right now:

Actual footage.

I’m so glad that Kendall doesn’t take this bullshit. I am so done with this guy. Between this and the way Not Raven handled Chris, I’m really proud of the ladies this season. Anyway, this first episodes end with Joe walking up and simply saying, “You guys done?” The next episode picks up right here. Kendall walks away with Joe. As much as I hate when people say things like “relax” when I’m upset (seriously, people are allowed to be upset – especially about a situation where one of the participates is a manipulative dick weasel), something about the way Joe is doing it here doesn’t seem like a way to invalidate Kendall’s feelings. It comes across as basically, “Look, Leo is a waste of oxygen and he’s not worth your tears.”

Joe is officially the best guy on this season.

Oh, for fucks sake, Benoit. Jenna dumped you. Let it go already. Seriously, I can’t with this guy. Everyone sent so much hate to Claire when she broke things off with him on Winter Games, but the dude is just way too intense. Jenna didn’t make this complicate, Benoit. She dumped you. That’s about as simple as it gets. Jenna runs off crying, Jordan follows, and then he has to confront Benoit…again. Somehow, this devolves into what kind of luggage each of the guys would be. I have no idea what’s going on.

The next morning, Annaliese tells us that she and Kamil are the strongest couple on the show. They met literally a day ago. This girl terrifies me. Speaking of terrified, Benoit has set his sights on Chelsea. This guy gets invested way too quickly.

He also gets super excited!

Jenna screams (wow – someone get this girl a cough drop) that she found a date card and it’s for Eric! Of course, he asks Angela to go on a date with him. Kevin decides to plan his own date for Astrid. Basically, they hang out on one of the day beds and watch the sunset through a fake TV set. As Kevin puts it, “sunset and chill.”

I can’t lie. This is kind of cute.

Eric and Angela get pretty much the best date ever. They get to stay in an awesome hotel (yay, air conditioning) where they receive a giant ice cream sundae. I side eye Eric a little bit when he reacts by saying, “Can you read her mind? This girl loves sweets!” Yeah, everyone loves ice cream, Eric. Even people who can’t eat dairy love it so much that they created non-dairy versions of it! On an even better note, a giant tray of cheese is also brought it.

I watched this while chowing down on a giant hunk of manchego.

The date ends with Eric and Angela agreeing that they’re all in. Yeah, remember this for later.

Back at the resort, Chris wakes up Krystal because he wants to do something nice for her and have her teach him yoga. She has the best response ever, “You want me to work?” Nothing says “look how much I love you” like setting up a date where the woman has to do her actual job for you. Chris is really bad at yoga, and I wish they’d all stop using “namaste” as a verb.

How about you nama-stay off my TV, Chris?

So, the whole John and Kendall kiss thing seems weird. It was obviously taken from before she decided she was all in with Joe after the final Leo confrontation. Based on what everyone is wearing, this was taken from a previous day. It’s not even that one person is wearing an outfit again – they’re all dressed exactly the same. The editors really need to step it up. As far as I’m concerned, this is a non-issue. Let’s move on.

But I can’t ignore Kendall’s face after the kiss. This is not a good sign.

Leo tells us that he and Kendall talked about things and they came to the conclusion that they’re not right for one another. He does know that what actually happened was caught on camera, right? Anyway, let’s get to the cocktail party. Everyone makes toasts and this is where Leo decides to announce that Kendall is full of shit and makes his infamous, “Good luck with grocery store bitch” statement. Leo walks away and Joe follows him. It all comes to a head when Leo throws his drink and then he leaves. At least he’s gone. Also, we get an amazing shot of Jordan fixing his hair in front of the camera before simply saying, “What the fuck?!”

Sometimes I forget how much I hate this guy.

Colton brings Not Raven some hot dogs because she’s “missing the South.” He does know that they’re in Mexico and much further south than Arkansas, right? Colton isn’t very smart. While that’s happening, all of the single guys are trying to get Chelsea’s attention because she’s the only person with a rose up for grabs. John thinks he has a leg up because he’s half Asian and Chelsea’s ex is also half Asian. OK, John. I liked you more when you got less screen time. Also, Connor drinks all of his drinks in a champagne flute. I’ve been known to drink wine out of a coffee mug, so I don’t really have room to make fun of him too badly.

And it’s time for another episode of “TOO FAST!” with Benoit. He “feels great about us” after all of five minutes talking together. Slow the fuck down, bro! Anyway, let’s get to the roses. Why are we even giving them out? Chelsea is the only one who has an suspense around her. Just let her pick a guy.

Krystal gives her rose to Chris
Kendall gives her rose to Joe
Not Raven gives her rose to Colton
Jenna gives her rose to Jordan
Astrid gives her rose to Kevin
Annaliese gives her rose to Kamil
Angela gives her rose to Eric
Chelsea gives her rose to John

Benoit leaves in a huff and fake cries in the car about Chelsea. This guy is so desperate that it pains me.

Not a single tear.

The next day, Olivia (Arie) arrives and asks out John. As usual, he decides to drop Chelsea for the newest lady. Their date is really strange. It’s a quinceanera. I really hope this was simply staged for the show. I’d feel really bad for a young girl whose birthday party was all about someone else. Also, Olivia is wondering why the other ladies haven’t snatched up John yet. They’ve tried. He’s dumped all of them.

John’s bad dancing almost makes me like him again.

So, Chris is super gross with his, “You got a hot mom from Maine. I woulda hung out with her.” Then why didn’t he go out with her instead of Krystal? We got rid of Leo. Can we get rid of Chris now too?

And Krystal is sitting right there!

Angela gets to narrate about how great things are now that she and Eric are “all in.” Of course, that means they’re doomed. Cassandra (Juan Pablo) comes in. The guys all think she’s hot. I just can’t get my mind around the fact that she was on Juan Pablo’s season and she’s still only in her mid-20s. They really need to stop casting crazy young people on this show. All the guys are kind of gross about expressing their attraction to her. Joe’s, “She’s hot. She’s got big boobs” really makes me roll my eyes. Joe, I like you, but act like you’re not a 16-year-old boy.

Of course, because of the earlier narration, Cassandra asks out Eric and he says yes. After that, he tells Angela that he woke up that morning and changed his mind about being exclusive with her. Eric, I really want to like you, but you handled this in a really shitty way! Seriously, if he really felt that way, he should have told Angela before a new woman arrived. The episode just ends with Angela crying and all the other ladies wondering if they should be worried about their own relationships.

And that’s it! You know, I kind of miss the Colton and Not Raven drama. I’d take that over shit like Leo any day. Hopefully that’s the last we’ll see of him.

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Hey y’all!  Welcome to THE END!!!!!!  The final installment of the RHONY Reunion.  Pour yourself a glass of your particular poison- Wine, Booze, Green Juice, Velveeta Cheese, SkinnyGirl, Drano and let’s get started.

SanksGod

We ended last week with Bethenny and Carole in a battle royale- fight to the death.  At this point we are dissecting minutia and it’s so exhausting.

Let me point out- for the record, MisRed doesn’t dislike Bethenny.  Well, wait, yes, she does.  But she really dislikes ALL of them.  But she doesn’t dislike Bethenny any MORE than the rest of them.  In fact, Sonja is the one that REALLY triggers her.  BUT Bethenny has been particularly nasty this season, in MisRed’s opinion.  Carole is not faultless.  I’ve said many times, but Carole doesn’t morph into a forked-tail beast during arguments and it’s really so unbecoming on Bethenny.

Alas, the Bethenny and Carole fight continues.  The next transgression is an Instagram story of Carole’s.  In the story, it is mainly Carole’s friend “Cassandra” speaking of SkinnyGirl and how “SkinnyGirl” is inappropriate as it’s not acceptable to suggest that someone should be skinny.

Bethenny’s imitation of the Instagram story, vs the ACTUAL Instagram story

We really are such a bunch of spineless, touchy betches in this country, aren’t we?  The fact that people are triggered by a word such as “skinny” or “fat” or “vagina that qualifies for an EZ Pass” is cray.

Ramona asks Andy if they can move on. Ramona Singer, the voice of reason.   Now I know something is very WRONG with this world.

Carole doesn’t understand how Bethenny even saw the Instagram story as Bethenny blocked Carole and Dorinda on Instagram?

The topic of Red Scarf comes up.  Andy asks if anyone is still in touch with him?  Carole claims she is still in touch with him.  Carole says she questioned him about Bethenny and he said that he didn’t have anything with Bethenny.  Carole didn’t understand why, in Colombia, Bethenny was so INTENSE and ANGRY.  Well, that ain’t just in Colombia honey… Bethenny says that Carole was “smug.”

Hmmm.  That’s not how I remember it. I know Bethenny CLAIMED Carole was being smug, but I think Carole was not clued into everything that went on.   Carole didn’t have any idea about what had been said between Red Scarf and Bethenny.  Just as Ramona didn’t know either, hence she decided to glom onto him for cocktails.  Bethenny WAS unreasonably nasty at that dinner, acting like a) Carole was pathetic for going out with him and b) acting angry that Red Scarf liked anyone but her.

Ramona doesn’t either.   Mainly because of her wonky eye.

Ramona says, “You don’t see yourself.”  Well, I mean, none of these betches see themselves, otherwise they would have put their heads in an oven long ago.

Carole says that Bethenny told a false story about Red Scarf and his texts.  Supposedly the story was, Bethenny said she tried to set Carole up with Red Scarf the night of speed dating. We flash back to Bethenny reading Red Scarf’s texts in the car in Colombia- seemingly Red Scarf was pursuing Bethenny.

Carole, reading from her phone, says after speed-dating Bethenny texted Red Scarf- seemingly pursuing him.  I think.  Everyone is talking over one another and even closed captioning has given up.

It just says <overlapping conversation.”

Red Scarf is a little bitch.

Carole says that Red Scarf screen-shotted (is that a word?) all of the texts between himself and Bethenny.  This tells you everything you need to know.  Red Scarf is a little bitch.  And he was just trying to lock down a housewife, which we already suspected.

They argue and talk over each other.  Carole tells Bethenny to get off her jock.  Bethenny has a text message where she told Red Scarf that she could easily set him up with Carole.  Carole claims that text was NOT from the night of, but 5 days AFTER speed dating.

Frankly, they are both yelling over one another, Bethenny shows Andy her phone, and Andy, of course concurs, and Bethenny launches off her seat, shoves her phone in Carole’s face yelling, “Boo Yah BITCH” in triumph.

See!!!! I WON!!!!

What has she won, exactly?  She lost a friend.

And then calls Carole a “Shmoron.”  Mature and intelligent.  Go roll with your Snomies, Bethenny.

What rope does MisRed pull to have a piano fall on my head?

Bethenny tells Carole to “get your life together” and to “get a hobby.”

Bethenny telling you to “get a hobby” is the equivalent of putting a horse head in your bed.  It’s the same thing she told Jill Zarin.

Bethenny needs to get some new material. 

Then she tells Carole to “get a career.”  Why is Bethenny so concerned with Carole’s life anyway?  Isn’t she overloaded and stressed and completely consumed by her own life so much so that she’s crying in Colombian freezers?

Sonja pipes up “Andy, this is a power play in egos.  That’s what’s going on.  Nobody even wants the Red Scarf guy.  He doesn’t even live in Manhattan.”  As if not living in Manhattan is a crime.

Sonja, surely there is some unexplored penises landing at JFK- focus on that. 

Andy says that they need to move on.  Thank you, Andy.  For once.  He asks where do Bethenny and Carole go from here?

Pay per view Ultimate Fighting?  Cage match?  Street fight?  I mean, any of these are as grueling to watch.

Carole says she has been trying all season to get back on track with Bethenny. Bethenny disputes that Carole tried to save the friendship.  To which Carole responds, it was only AFTER she saw all of the comments in the “confessionals” where Bethenny said unkind things about her- that she realized this friendship couldn’t be saved.  She really thought after the end of the season that they could hit the reset button, but after she saw the show, she knew it was pointless.

Dorinda concurs that Carole did indeed say this to her- that she wanted to repair the friendship.  Not that Dorinda is the most credible witness these days… JOVANI.

Bethenny says that Carole changed, and Carole says “Yes, my eyes are open.”

Sonja says that they have both changed- maybe for the better but definitely changed.  SHUT UP, SONJA.  Dorinda says that they shouldn’t say they are done- “Justputacommaonit.”

Bethenny says that they are done especially after Carole’s blogs.  Carole is like “Yeah, a blog that nobody reads.”  LOL. Bethenny even ARGUES about that.

And we go to commercial with them STILL fighting about who said what and who was meaner.

Can somebody pass MisRed the hemlock?

I can fully see that Bethenny could be an awesome friend to have, until she isn’t.  And I can also say the same for Carole.  Bethenny is a damaged, endless pit of sucking need and insecurity, and Carole is emotionally detached.  The needier Bethenny gets, the more it makes Carole retreat.

Oh good, we come back from commercial just in time to get the Sonja clit clip package.   Andy says that Sonja came back REFRESHED from her trip to Costa Rica.

And Sonja is a vegan.

Andy says that for the most part Sonja found herself on the outside looking in.  We review clips of Sonja bashing Tinsley saying that Scott paid for her gift certificate to BG’s and that Tinsley is, basically, cheap AF and didn’t spend a single dime when she was staying at Sonja’s house.

I gave her all the brown ice a girl could want!

Sh*t.  She probably felt like she was in a third world country living at Sonja’s and was AFRAID to show ANY cash for fear of kidnapping.  I mean, Pickles flashed a fiver once and hasn’t been heard from since.

We review the Tinsley / Sonja fight at the party Ramona “threw for Carole.”  The one where Tinsley told Sonja to her shut her mouth and her legs.

The fight between Sonja and Dorinda where Sonja compared her divorce from Mr. Morgan to Richard dying.  Then her tier two fight with Ramona about Ramona suggesting Sonja apologize for upsetting Dorinda.  AND the text where Sonja called Ramona an “unfeeling POS.”

LOL and Ramona didn’t know POS meant?  Am I remembering that correctly or did I just make that up? I’m too lazy to check.

We review Sonja’s fake shoe line and the deer she stole from the Morgan Family Crest.  We see the argument between Dorinda and Sonja where Dorinda said that the deer is from her ex-husband’s crest and that Sonja ISN’T a Morgan.

We review the further blow-out at the Mayflower where Sonja INSISTS that the Morgans are still her family.   Sonja saying that she is still very much a part of the Morgan family and its history.  And there is “no way I’m letting this family down.”

Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahah, Oh Sonja.  You are right.  Every family tree has a skank in it and you are that to the Morgan Clan.  Congratulations.

Things are really shaping up at that Townhouse.

We see some previously UNSEEN footage of Sonja vacuuming computer #3, packing to leave her townhouse and screaming “Where are my Birkins?  Where’s my Christian Dior?  Where’s my Yves Saint Laurent?”

We see an assistant… Oh I was wonder what happened to Wendie Jo Scerber… just saying “Basement.”

Awwww, Rest In Peace, Wendie Jo Sperber

Just kidding, Wendy Jo died in 2005. They probably buried Pickles right next to her.

We see the townhouse stripped bare.

The new tenants ordered a black light examination of all of Sonja’s mattresses.
And it isn’t pretty.

Sonja is shown CRYING in PIP.

Sonja is now living in a cardboard box, I mean, an apartment on Columbus Circle, she claims to have a rooftop that her dog loves.  OMG, you know Sonja is letting that dog crap all over that roof.  Sonja says her new apartment is “so my style”

There’s a turn style at the front door, and dildo-covered walls, and penicillin comes directly out of the faucets.

Andy asks that ladies if any of them thought this day would come.  Of course, Bethenny says she did because she was involved.  Of course, Bethenny was involved.  She’s such a great friend to Sonja… this season. The ladies say that they are proud of Sonja.

A viewer asks Sonja if something happened over the summer to make her start taking medication and do the retreat in Costa Rica?

Sonja says “Well, when Bethenny talked to me about MY partying too much, she had suggested getting therapy and talking to a psychiatrist and I did.”  OMG.  Sonja you are so FULL OF SHIT.

And while we are at it- Bethenny should take her own advice because NOBODY needs therapy more than Bethenny.

Sonja continues that it was suggested that she take an antidepressant and it made her gain weight.  But as she was weaning herself off the anti-depressant “I was just saying everything right off the top of my head.”

Andy says, “You are blaming your diarrhea of the mouth on going off the antidepressant?”

She says that she MEANT all of the things she said, she just probably shouldn’t have said them.  I love how Sonja is blaming the antidepressant.  What’s her excuse for the past 7 seasons?

So what Sonja is actually saying is- her first inclination on most topics is to be a hateful betch.  Good to know.  Sonja says she had harbored resentments toward Tinsley, even though they had made up.

Ramona asks Sonja if she stopped the medication cold turkey or if she got off the meds gradually. Sonja’s response, which makes as much sense as anything else she says, “No, I actually went a little bit cold turkey without talking to the doctor.”

“A little bit cold turkey.”  SMH.    I went a little cold turkey but I remained a vegan…

Andy asks Tinsley if she believes the “antidepressant excuse?”  Tinsley is like – No.  She wasn’t even with Scott at the time when Sonja was saying he was supporting her.  And Tinsley thought the things she said were super-hurtful.

Ramona interjects saying that quitting an antidepressant cold turkey will completely f*ck with your head.  And DrRed concurs that it’s VERY DANGEROUS to quit and antidepressant cold turkey and one should always wean off under the care of an actual doctor.

And MisRed should know- this is MY doctor.

Carole says, deadpan, “Why does it only make you say nasty things?” LOL Sometimes I love Carole.

Sonja mumbles some excuse.  And Tinsley goes in on her that Sonja, basically called Tinsley a prostitute.

Another viewer question for Sonja.  Wow, Andy must have had to dig deep- two people who give a rat’s ass about Sonja.  The viewer says that Sonja really went after Dorinda for talking about Richard too much and the view says, “Don’t you think she has a right to?”

Sonja responds – Absolutely.  But she thinks that she should also be able to vent and talk about the things she wants to talk about.  True.  She should.  But it’s the COMPARISON that gets Sonja into trouble.

Sonja STILL maintains that it’s her divorce is the same as a husband dying.

He’s not lost.  He’s just HIDING from you.

Bethenny, of course, has her two cents to put in-  she says that her husband didn’t die, she just wishes he would and is actively trying to find someone to make that happen… just kidding, she DID NOT SAY THAT.  So if the FBI or Keith Morrison is reading this… MisRed just completely made that up.  Also… don’t look at my google search history.  I’d be in the next cell from Bethenny, and MisRed could NOT take that.

What Bethenny actually said was that people mourn situations differently and that it takes some people longer to get over things than others.  Yes, true.  But if Sonja wasn’t licking Bethenny’s ass all season, you know Bethenny would have been breathing fire in her face saying how Sonja needs to “keep it moving” and all of her other Bethenny-isms.

Dorinda points out that it’s been 13 years since Sonja’s divorce and she can’t imagine how it would be if she was “mourning” Ralph (Dorinda’s first husband) and if she had to see him all the time, etc.  Sonja yells that she’s not “mourning” her ex-husband.

Uh, yes, she is.  And didn’t she say it was like a death, blah blah blah?

Bethenny points out that Dorinda got into another relationship, Sonja didn’t.  Dorinda corrects Bethenny saying she met Richard seven years after her divorce, so she didn’t hop right into another relationship.

Yeah, well, maybe if Sonja didn’t f*ck everyone within the first 5 seconds of meeting them, she could build a relationship with someone too.

Dorinda says that she has done both- divorce and death.  And that death is a loss and divorce is a choice.  Sonja says that it wasn’t her choice to get divorced.  “The bottom fell out of our marriage and there were a lot of people who helped us decide to get divorced.”

As always, Sonja makes zero sense.  Does anyone out there know the whole sitch on her divorce?   I just messaged someone who knows a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who might have banged Sonja on a sink.  She said she thinks Sonja cheated but didn’t know for sure.

Frankie from Santa Fe, New Mexico asks of Dorinda, “Why does every word out of Sonja’s mouth trigger you so much? It seems clear to me that you just don’t like her.”  LOL great question.  Could have been directed at MisRed quite frankly.

Sonja says “That’s true.”

Dorinda answers that it’s a funny thing- that when they are together one on one they are actually quite happy to be together but it’s something about the RHONY environment that triggers her with Sonja.

MisRed’s answer?  MisRed has a REAL problem with people who are full of shit, and people who believe their own hype.  Sonja is so full of her own delusions and constantly spews utter nonsense.  It’s infuriating.

Another viewer asks why Dorinda got so upset about Sonja using the deer from the Morgan family crest on her shoe?  It’s the same argument and MisRed is tired of it.  Sonja is not a Morgan.  If her daughter wants to make a goddamn fugly shoe that nobody will ever buy and use the Morgan deer- that’s one thing, but Sonja using it screams of elitism.

Bethenny takes issue with this because Carole said it.

Why is Bethenny even involved?  Does she want to use the Hoppy Family Crest for something?

This would look great on some ugly shoes. Or maybe some bologna. 

They all start bickering and Ramona stands up because she “has a cramp.”

The conversation was not focused on me so I am creating a diversion.

LOL oh, Ramona.  MisRed has a friend who pulls this stunt.  If the conversation goes on too long without being focused on her, she feigns a leg cramp to draw the attention back to her.

Andy asks Sonja how often she actually sees Mr. Morgan?   Sonja says she does see him… through the window when she’s creeping around in the bushes outside his house.    She says that it’s getting better by the day but “I felt I lost my best friend over lawyers.”

Was Sonja getting gangbanged by a bunch of lawyers and Mr. Morgan found out?

They end the Sonja package by asking if she’s okay with everyone there.  Who cares?

Oh Jesus, we are getting a separate Carole clip package.  Sweet Jesus- did anyone else know that Carole ran the NYC Marathon?  MisRed must have missed that.

We have not had enough Marathon talk!!! 

Her clip packaging contains, the Marathon, her writing 7 paragraphs for Cosmo, her break-up with Adam and their subsequent “coffee” and coffee dates.  Nothing about her egg-ordering thought process. Hmm.

Andy asks Carole if there is anything romantic going on between she and Adam? Carole says he has been texting her a little, but she has been avoiding the situation.    Carole clarifies that she is not running the marathon again.

Ramona interjects that she could never run 25 miles.

Good.  Because the marathon is 26.2 miles.

Andy asks what Carole and Tinsley have in common?  Tinsley says that Carole is a good, loyal friend, plus she set Tinsley up with Scott so it’s natural that they would form a friendship.  But they really don’t see each other THAT much.  Carole says that Bethenny made it seem like she and Tinsley were BFFs but it’s not the case.

Tinsley says that hurts her feelings when Carole says that.

Carole says she “is going to be honest and describe their friendship as it is and not as it was described.”  Carole says she thinks Tinsley is a great girl and she’s not a dimwit … now there’s a ringing endorsement.

Bethenny interrupts- and Carole is like “I’m talking.”

Carole says that she spent 6 days in Spain with Tinsley and Scott (and Adam), but that after that she didn’t really see Tinsley until they started filming.  Bethenny interjects- why, we don’t know- “So you didn’t go to Key West? Little Palm Island?  Chicago?  Vegas?  Alcatraz?  Bass Lake?  Beautiful Mount Airy Lodge in the Poconos?”

Bethenny accuses Carole of TAKING VACATIONS!!!

Carole is like- No.  Those are lies you tell yourself.

And because Bethenny is in 8^h grade, she says “Oooooh yea, I made up a big lie about Vegas.”  Carole says that she is interested in the truth and the truth is, Bethenny tells herself that the reason their friendship imploded was because Carole and Tinsley became BFFs and thick as thieves, and that simply isn’t the case.

Tinsley is like “Whaaaaaaaaa but we are close!!!!”  Andy asks why being close to Tinsley is considered a crime? Tinsley is like “I KNOW!!!!”

Carole says that the only ones who are “thick as thieves” is Bethenny and Sonja and that was made clear from the beginning.

Bethenny has quite an army.

An ego-maniacal Cabaret “star” with a mountain of personal issues and a delusional ho who thinks eating vegan includes oysters and shrimp.

Andy says that he’s confused because Carole and Tinsley seemed to have hung out all season.  Carole says she hung out with Dorinda a ton too, even though she didn’t make her a roasted chicken and two bottles of wine after the marathon.

Ramona is like HELLO?!?!?!!?!

WHAT ABOUT RAMONA?!!?!?!

A viewer writes that Carole identifies as a journalist, but it’s been two years since she last wrote anything- plus she has been very open about missing deadlines.  Is Carole a serious journalist or not?

Carole says that yes, she identifies herself as a journalist, but the bulk of her career as a journalist was at ABC News, and she worked there from 1988 to 2001 or 2002.  Bethenny has to insert herself “That was 17 years ago!”   Carole says it’s been 14 or 15 years – but I think Carole was saying she worked there for 14 or 15 years, not that she had been gone for 15 years.  Bethenny gets out her abacus to check Carole’s math.

Carole is like “Why, are you making a point, Bethenny?”

Carole says she worked at ABC News for 15 years, and then she worked for Glamour Magazine and wrote a column for them.  Bethenny says “Is THIS your resume?”

For f*ckssake Bethenny- SHUT UP.  In the words of you, “If we need you, we’ll call you.”

Carole says that she will put her resume up against Bethenny’s any day.  So that, apparently was an invitation for Bethenny to run down her resume because we aren’t already aware that Bethenny is the most successful human being on the planet and it has absolutely nothing to do with this TV show.

Hang on, MisRed needs more coffee for this.

Bethenny was “a personal assistant to Jerry Bruckeimer.”  How does he take his coffee?

“Worked for Lorne Michaels, Kathy, Paris and Nicky Hilton.”

How do they take their coffee? Did she mop up after Paris’s sex tape?

“Then I moved on to become a natural food chef and had my company Bethenny Bakes.”

Which was a failure, “Created the fastest-growing liquor brand in history…” Ok, now there is an accomplishment.

Carole agrees that all of that is great and she will match her resume to that.

Ugh.  Can this end?  Please.  They have completely different careers.

I do not understand why Bethenny feels she has to shame Carole and her career in order to make herself look more successful?  Oh wait, yes I do.  Bethenny is an insecure asshole who puts other people down to feel better about herself.

We get it Bethenny, you are successful and have a lot of money.  Copy that.   Now, can you STFU?

Carole, AGAIN, says that her blogs – which, btw, were the last thing she wanted to write- were her way of holding Bethenny accountable.  They bicker some more.

Ok, moving on to happier topics:  Cartagena.   We see Ramona in a wheel chair, Bethenny crying in the freezer, Sonja flashing the group and leaving the price tags on her bathing suit.

Here is Sonja, not letting the Morgan Family down!

Them almost dying on their cruise.  The Diarrhea Situation.  Ramona pooping on the floor.  Luann pooping in the bed.

Andy says Ramona was very laid back when it came to picking rooms on their various trips this year.  Ramona says that she believes she has evolved.  And she used to feel ENTITLED to the larger room, but now she knows that not the proper way to be.

Everyone is like “WhaWhaWHAT?!!?!!?”

LOL.  I love that Ramona believes herself to be capable of growth.  You know someone held a shank to Ramona’s throat and threatened her if she DARED to room jockey this season.

Andy asks Bethenny if she let her feelings about Carole make it impossible for her to enjoy the Colombia trip?  Bethenny says it wasn’t solely about Carole- but that Carole and Tinsley were very close …  Carole shakes her head and Bethenny almost launches herself off the couch at Carole.   Bethenny says she will just wait until Carole’s commentary ends.

Yes, it’s Carole who has been the constant interrupter today. 

Bethenny- you really have no ability to self- assess.  You have been INTERUPTING everyone this ENTIRE reunion.  Jesus.

Bethenny says that she was stressed going into the trip and everything in her life had snowballed and her mood impacted everyone, and she apologizes.

Carole says that she is very sensitive to unstable energy and it feels menacing to her and makes her feel unsafe.

YASSSS.

Carole says that she is very sane and approaches even emotional issues logically- which is probably why she doesn’t’ get into hugging, etc.  Well that’s her first mistake with these betches- attempting to apply logic to illogical beings.  Carole says that she found out WHY she does this- it’s because “I have a ginormous hippocampus.”

Funny, she looks so thin on TV.

Who knew Hippos even went to school?

The women all laugh and Carole tries to explain that she just had a brain scan….

Sonja, the genius, interrupts saying “I like to hug and I have a very small cannisis.  But I have a huge vagina, apparently.”

Did anyone say that Sonja’s vagina is “huge?”  I mean, it’s really just an assumption, right?  It has plenty of MILEAGE on it and God knows, it’s over capacity, but nobody ever commented on the actual size.   Do we have proof that it echoes?

The Hippocampus, Carole explains, doesn’t allow people to react emotionally to things- and hers is in the 99^th percentile.  Well, I’m sure her parents are very proud.

Andy asks Tinsley if it ever occurred to her that the women might not like Cartagena?  She says she wasn’t really concerned with it and Bethenny says that sometimes you just get unlucky on a trip, etc.  Tinsley says that she has experienced that same rough boat trip before and not that Tinsley wasn’t worried, but she was trying to keep calm for everyone else.   Ramona, of Sonja says, “She was peeing ON me!  Do you have any idea what I can catch from her bodily fluids?  Drowning would be preferable.”    All of the women were terrified, and Ramona can’t swim.  And she didn’t have her noodle with her on the boat.

Andy is like- you really don’t know how to swim?  Ramona is, like, INCREDULOUS, that Andy didn’t know Ramona didn’t know how to swim?  Andy was like, if I’d know that I would have pushed you in a pool myself.   We see a flashback of Ramona and her beloved noodle.

Wait.  It suddenly all makes sense.

Tinsley says she will plan the next trip with “Tinsley Travels” which Bethenny suddenly finds HYSTERICAL.

Bethenny is so lining up Tinsley to be one of her soldiers next year

“Tinsley Travels- Trips That Make You Skinny.”

Bethenny instantly calls her a cheater brand, and a fraud and a slut and she wants nothing to do with her ever again.

“When a brand rides on the coattails of another brand and kind of uses a similar name, they call it a cheater brand. I’m completely insulted, and I don’t want anything to do with you.”

We move on the diarrhea, which seems like a cakewalk compared to the Bethenny/ Carole Feud.  Bethenny tells us she has had chronic constipation her entire life.  Like we couldn’t have guessed that.

Lu sneaking off to drop off some fresh hot fudge.

Tinsley says she got diarrhea when she got home.  They said they had a parasite.

Parasite isn’t another word for penis, Sonja. 

Sonja says she had two parasites.  Of course you did, Sonja.  And it’s not nice to call Rocco a parasite.  He seemed genuinely into you.  And literally.

Ramona’s poop-smear is raised, and Andy wants to know how poop just falls out of one’s butt.  Oh, sure Andy.  You don’t know how stuff falls out of one’s butt?  Gimme a break.

Andy asks everyone their biggest regret of the season?

Bethenny:  Calling Dorinda a drunk.   Dorinda says that it means a lot to her to hear Bethenny say this.  She and Bethenny hug.

It’s not so much a hug as a choke-hold.

Tinsley:  Losing her temper with Sonja.

Sonja:  Opening the Tinsley wound in the beginning of the season.

Ramona:  Posting the picture of the ladies at the Mayflower on Instagram and texting Tom to see if she could come to his NYE party.

Andy asks Carole for her biggest regret?  “Was it saying I am full of sh*t earlier?”  Carole is like- did I say that?

Carole:  That she and Bethenny could never get to a place where they could reconnect.

Dorinda: The situation between she and Lu.  She hopes that they can repair their friendship.  AND regrets that she got drunk in Puerto Rico at Bethenny’s dinner.

yummmmmmmm

Andy offers the ladies a “healthy green juice” as a toast.  Ramona asks if it’s tequila? They toast to Luann.

Cheers to all hating each other again next year!!! 
Except Carole… who got sh*t-canned.

Carole says, “Well that will give us diarrhea.”  AMEN.

MisRed would be remiss if she didn’t tune into The Luann Show on WWHL the same night as the final part of the reunion.

Oh look, Luann is wearing Jovani and has colored her skin the Crayola shade of “Burnt Sienna.”

Luann’s shade

The other guest is Jerry O’Connell and he, LITERALLY, drops to one knee and kisses Luann’s hand.

WTF Jerry!???!  Lu’s giant pumpkin head barely fits through the door as it is.  STAHHHHHP!!!!

Of course, Lu is like “Thank you, now fetch me a mocktail, boy!  Andy, that’s a cocktail without the alcohol.”

Seriously, what color is Lu’s skin?

It’s not the lighting because Jerry looks normal and Andy looks like he usually does- like he’s been rolling around in an ashtray.

Lu tells Andy that she has A LOT of energy.  Is it okay for Lu to do speed?  Just asking.

Jerry is laughing at every single thing Lu and Andy says.  Ugh.

Andy asks if Lu watched the reunion?  They rehash how Ramona always is good for some comic relief with her cramping and Mario calling and her face.

Luann is not amused because they aren’t talking about her.

Andy asks Luann who SHE thought looked the best at the reunion- and good old Lu, sticking to the script says, “I thought Sonja and Bethenny looked the best.”  Jerry picks Sonja as well, and Lu is like “Why is the bellboy speaking?”

Andy asks Lu whose side she is on in the Bethenny / Carole Feud – and of course Lu is on Bethenny’s side because she and Carole “have had a rough couple of years.”  Andy says that he thought she and Carole were okay?  Lu says that she was never able to get over some of the things that Carole did to her.

Um… like…. what?  Carole dating Lu’s niece’s ex-boyfriend?  MisRed’s theory is that Lu wanted gross Adam for herself.

OMG Jerry O’Connell might be the biggest ass-kisser living.  Or dead.

Andy shows Lu some of the areas where Lu’s name was mentioned.

Andy asks Luann what she thought of Dorinda’s commentary on their fight in Cartagena and about her saying that Lu’s trip to rehab was practically court ordered.  Luann’s response “My trip to rehab was NOT court ordered.”  LU says she went on her own because she wanted to take care of herself and “Dorinda doesn’t know anything about me.”  She takes her sobriety very seriously.  Uh huh.  And she’s 51 days sober.  Uh huh.  And it’s been 52 days since her kids sued her.

Andy asks Luann about Tom and her drinking and whether they are related.  We get a clip of Ramona saying she told Lu a bunch of stuff about Tom in Mexico and that’s why Lu fell in the bushes- and Andy’s rebuttal that Lu fell in the bushes because she had 18 tequila shots.

Lu says, “I did not have 18 Tequila shots.”  It was 21 and don’t underestimate her.

Lu admits that Ramona told her some things about Tom that she didn’t know, and she was grateful that Ramona did it off camera.

Andy says that the ladies commented on Lu’s falling off the wagon and he wants Luann’s thoughts.  Lu says that Ramona’s story about being “at the Beacon” with her vag out is not true.  “I was never AT the Beacon this summer.”  She was there on June 20, which technically was still Spring.  AND she wasn’t kicked out of the other party Ramona mentions and Ramona needs to stop making stuff up to make herself look better.

Not sure how that makes Ramona look better.

Andy asks Lu about JOVANI.  Lu says that Dorinda was heckling her at the Cabaret.  Lu doesn’t understand how Dorinda can watch the footage and NOT be humiliated and want to change her behavior.   Well, it’s the same way that Lu can watch her Cabaret act and think she has any talent.

Well sh*t.  Why don’t they all change their behavior after watching the show?  Why doesn’t Lu make Ictoria BATHE after seeing her on the show?  Why doesn’t Bethenny stop acting like a shrieking harpy after seeing the show? Why doesn’t Carole donate her hippocampus to the zoo after seeing the show?  Why doesn’t Sonja stop being such a drunk ho-bag after seeing the show?  Why doesn’t Ramona just get a personality transplant after seeing the show?

The universe is full of unanswerable questions, Luann.

Andy says, at the reunion Dorinda said she envisions Lu and she rekindling their friendship. Lu says, “That’s very sweet of her, but that’s not my vision at the moment.”

3…2…1…

Fill my eyes with that double vision
No disguise for that double vision
Ooh, when it gets through to me, it’s always new to me
My double vision gets the best of me…

Andy asked that ladies what they think Luann’s problem is and from where it stems?  Bethenny, if you recall, said Lu was like a BIG BABY and just wants to be loved.  Luann says “I am a child and I want to hold onto that. I love that Bethenny totally had me pegged.”

Ok, seriously, what is Bethenny injecting into Sonja and Luann?

And, oh yeah, when I think of Luann the first think I think of is “Yeah, you know, she’s really just a kid at heart!!”

Next up, Did the success of Luann’s Cabaret Show go to her head?  Dorinda said that she has lost some friends due to her ego, etc.  Lu says she’s not currently accepting advice from Dorinda.   Luann further pontificates that her cabaret is EVERYTHING to her.  Forget friends.  Forget family.  She has found her calling.  Singing off-key, in knock-off dress from the third runner up on Rupaul’s Drag Race, while Sonja rips her clothes off, is quite a calling.  Lu says if anyone is jealous, it’s just too bad.

When do we think someone is going to clue Luann in on the joke?

Andy brings some rando twink up from the audience to take Luann’s place in the Shotski and then sends him out to wait in Andy’s car until after the show.

MisRed just made that up, but … would it surprise ANYONE????

Ok, so that’s the whole scoop.   Oh and, btw, Jerry O’Connell thinks it was fine for Vicki to set up Kelly Dodd’s ex-husband on a date.  So, now we all know that we can hate Jerry just for his stance on Vicki Gunvalson.

MisRed made it through and hopefully you have too!  If you are struggling with nightmares, please send your therapy bills to Mandy Cohen or directly to the “housewife” most triggering you.  MisRed knows one thing… she needs a cocktail.  Channeling Dorinda:  “MisRedneedsacocktailprontoandnotanyofthatSkinnyGirlcrap…”  Thank you so much for all of your support this season.  This season was amazing but draining.  If you can’t get enough of MisRed, and you know you can’t… come on over to Real Housewives of Orange County and help me laugh at those betches for the rest of the season!! xoxoxoxo JOVANI!!!!

MisRed OUT

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Hi, Trashies. So, we’ve got five hours of show to recap this week. I’m not sure how they stretched this to five hours seeing as it’s pretty much the most boring season ever. Oh, and by now, I’m sure you know that Colton is the Bachelor. So, yeah. We have that to look forward to, I guess. Anyway, let’s get right to the snark!

We open with Angela still crying about Eric going on a date with Cassandra after they decided they were “all in.” We get a lot of cuts back and forth between the date and the resort where Angela is still sobbing. She really should stop crying. She’s dating Clay Harbor (from Becca’s season and a legit pro athlete) now.

Don’t worry, girl. You’ll get an upgrade soon.

On the date, Eric is outlining his version of his relationship with Angela. His talk about Angela wanting to “take things slow” sounds really like Eric is saying, “Yeah, so Angela won’t sleep with me yet, so I’m moving on.”

Back at the resort, Not Raven is talking to Colton about the whole situation and it seems that the gears in his head are going a mile a minute. Of course, that means that Not Raven is telling us how secure her relationship with him is. He tells Kevin that he feels like he’s forcing things and he has to break it off. We all saw this coming, right? It’s never a good sign when someone has to be convinced to be in a relationship. In fact, Not Raven tells us that she thinks she and Colton will get married some day. And that’s when he walks up. In short, he’s just not feeling it and it’s over. Not Raven goes on this whole rant about how Colton needs to get his shit together so he doesn’t do this someone else. Oh, shut up, Not Raven. I’m not a fan of Colton in the slightest, but him breaking  up with her doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with him. It just means that he doesn’t like her.

I guess he nailed his final Bachelor audition.

So, everyone acts all shocked about this breakup. Again, not sure why. Bibiana had to talk Colton into giving things a chance with Not Raven. We all know he didn’t like her in the first place. I think thing is something to what Raven said last week. Colton just likes to be with the current “it girl.” First, he dated Aly Raisman, then he went after Not Raven when it seemed like she was getting the Bachelorette edit, but he dumped her to actually go on the show. On Paradise, he stayed with her long enough to get a good amount of airtime. In the end, both Colton and Not Raven leave. I’m not looking forward to next season. I just don’t get any sense that Colton is sincere. Everything he says and does seems calculated. I guess I’ll need lots of wine for next season.

Once again, all the ladies are freaking out about the status of their relationships. This leads to a really gross scene where Krystal is literally kneeling at Chris’ feet begging him for validation.

MAKE BETTER CHOICES, KRYSTAL!

Surprisingly, the person that handles all of this the best is Jordan. I’m not his biggest fan (I find him way more annoying than entertaining), but he really does seem to care about Jenna. The way he reassured her was honestly pretty sweet. OK, Jordan. You get one positive point in my book. And then Joe wakes up from a nap, walks into Jordan’s interview, and asks about Not Raven and Colton.

Nope. Not staged at all.

Eric and Cassandra return and he wants to talk to Angela. I love that she’s just honest about things and says, “You hurt my feelings.” I’m officially no longer a fan of Eric after the way he handles this. He tries to put all the blame on Angela for all of this and saying she just wasn’t as into him as he was to her. He also tries to question what “all in” means in terms of their relationship. What the fuck else would that mean?

I used to love you so much, Eric. How far you’ve fallen.

Once again, we see the ladies this season being completely awesome to one another. Angela fills Cassandra in on everything going on with Eric. I love that Cassandra immediately calls Eric out on his BS. Well done, Cassandra. While that’s going on, Kevin and Astrid are being a boring stable couple. I do have to call BS on Kevin saying that they’re lucky because “no one looked their way” and they both just “looked at each other.” Except, you know, Kevin was with Krystal for at least that first episode. He knows that’s on camera, right?

And then Jordan, thankfully, shaves Chris’ weird double hairline off.

With that, there is a new arrival and it’s Shushanna (Ben) and she’s followed by Christen (Nick). Their date cards go together and it’s a double date. Of course, there’s a rehash of the Scallop Fingers thing. It wasn’t funny then and it’s not funny now. Can we just let it die? Shushanna takes out Kamil and Christen decides to take John (because there can’t be a date without John on it!). Of course, Annaliese goes into a tailspin about this. She tries to reassure herself that she and Kamil are solid while he tells Shushanna that they’re in “the friendship zone.” Annaliese also tells Kamil that she’s perfectly cool with this and no one actually believes her, right? Also, I get what she’s trying to do. She’s trying to be the “cool girl.” It really is OK to say something like, “Hey, it kind of hurts my feelings that you’re going on this date.”

Why do none of my dates involve Jorge? 

The date is nothing worth talking about because we just have to focus on Annaliese crying. She tells us that she’d say yes right now if Kamil proposed. That’s fucking terrifying. Girl has been in love three times in all of like four days. Girl needs to just relax. And then, of course, we have the Ashley and Jared engagement. I’m not going to spend much time on this. It went on way too long. As much as I don’t buy that Kevin was super hurt by the breakup with Ashley, it’s still kind of weird to have him be there for the proposal. Anyway, Ashley and Jared are engaged. The end.

Of course, it isn’t until after the engagement that a date card arrives for Kevin. Seriously, they couldn’t have done this for him while his ex-girlfriend was getting engaged? Anyway, he picks Astrid (obviously) and they leave. The date is nothing big. Astrid and Kevin have dinner and tell each other they love one another.

When Kamil comes back, Annaliese is ready to explode because he doesn’t come find her to talk. She eventually approaches him and they talk about the date. Fortunately for literally everyone, Kamil tells Annaliese that he’s into her and not interested in Shushanna.

And it’s off to the boom boom room!

Oh, yeah, Olivia is still interested in John. Shockingly, John doesn’t dump her. Maybe he’s growing as a person!

Or not.

Oh, hey, there are still rose ceremonies on this show! Ugh, for some reason, Cassandra is still into Eric. You were doing so well, Cassandra! This guy has proven to be an ass hole. As the saying goes, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Also, this cocktail party is where we see Shushanna get super obsessed with Kamil. She confronts him to find out how he feels, and he says he’s not interested and would rather be with Annaliese. Chris Harrison comes in, but it’s not time for the rose ceremony. It’s just Jordan (The Bachelor New Zealand, Winter Games). Anyway, the single ladies talk to him and Chelsea is super interested in him. When that doesn’t work, she tries to get with Kamil, but that only pisses off Annaliese. Can we skip right to the roses now?

Kevin gives a rose to Astrid
American Jordan gives a rose to Jenna
Chris gives a rose to Krystal
Joe gives a rose to Kendall
Eric gives a rose to Cassandra
NZ Jordan gives a rose to Shushanna (Why does Chris Harrison call him “Other Jordan”? That’s fucking weird.)
John gives a rose to Olivia (Is this the longest John has been interested in a woman?)
Kamil gives a rose to Annaliese

And this is where the episode ends. We see some footage of Christen going through heat stroke (she later confirmed this) and we close out with Chelsea seeming to have a major panic attack. And we hear literally nothing about either of these things ever again.

And we’re on to night two! We start with Kevin telling Astrid about all the different salad dressings he makes. Why are we watching this conversation? Once that is over, we get a visit from Jade, Tanner, Carly, and Evan. They’re going to be talking to all of the couples to find out who will be getting the next date. They pick up immediately on Annaliese being super insecure and trying to hide how she actually feels about Kamil. Anyway, because they’re one of the only couples left who haven’t been on a date, Joe and Kendall win.

“Win.”

So, Kendall and Joe babysit while Jade, Tanner, Carly, and Evan are out on a date. When they return, they give Joe and Kendall the good news that they’ll be going on a real date. It’s not really much of a date. They just have drinks on the beach and talk about their feelings.

So, now we come to the point where Eric has his breakdown. I don’t quite understand what he’s talking about. He talks about being drained from “the Angela situation.” Yeah, he totally created that situation when he decided that Cassandra was hotter. Also, he says that he felt like half of him left when Angela did. When she left?! He was the one who sent her home. He 100% could have kept her here! I’m so sad that Eric turned out to be kind of a douche canoe. Anyway, Eric decides to leave.

And Shushanna acts like he died.

Later, another date card arrives for Chris, and, of course, he’s taking Krystal. There’s nothing much to say about it. They have dinner, they say “I love you” (because you can’t do this unless you’re on a date, apparently), and then they dance barefoot.

So, let’s get into all the Shushanna drama. While sitting around a bonfire, she’s staring intently at Kamil. She tells us that she feels like there’s something between them because he looks back at her when she’s staring at him. Maybe that’s because she’s fucking staring at him!

The next day, Jordan gets a date card. He tries to ask our Shushanna, but she turns him down so she can focus on Kamil…for, reasons. In the end, Jordan ends up going out with Cassandra. With that, Shushanna decides to talk to Kamil about their situation. Once again, he says that he doesn’t have feelings for her. Shushanna just keeps insisting that she doesn’t believe him. Girl needs to stop being so delusional and live in the real world.

Kamil chose Annaliese as the saner option.

When talking to Olivia, Shushanna admits that she only likes the chase and, if Kamil were interested, she wouldn’t have feelings for him. And then we get the beginning of the whole witchcraft rumor. It’s all because Kamil makes some stupid joke about Shushanna’s “Russian witchery.” Is that a thing? Annaliese decides to confront Shushanna since she’s not accepting no from Kamil. Annaliese starts on the moral high ground by saying, “Look, Kamil and I are together. Please leave him alone.” When Shushanna acts all dismissive and won’t give Annaliese a fight, the whole “Russian witchery” thing becomes an issue. Dammit, Annaliese, I was on your side!

Oh, hey, Diggy (Rachel) is here. He goes out with Olivia (but not before Shushanna turns him down). There’s really nothing to report as it’s the most boring date on history. For the record, Diggy’s live tweets of the show are amazing. I wish we saw more of that version of him on the show. Anyway, Shushanna is eventually talked into liking Jordan. Unfortunately. he’s wants to see how things go with Cassandra.

We end with Shushanna sobbing and John telling us that next week is going to be a total shit show. Also, we get some outro footage of Yuki naming fruit in Japanese with Wells. Seriously, what do I have to do to be best friends with Yuki?

Well, next week is our finale. Until then, Trashies!

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Oh god.  Here we are again.  Back in the OC.  And Shannon confrontation continues.  If you will recall, there was a conversation amongst some of the women who had concerns for Emily’s marriage because Turtle a) threw Gina out of the poker party and b) Emily felt she had to leave happy hour early or Turtle would be mad.   Gina told Emily about the conversation and how Shannon related it back to her marriage to David.  This, in turn, was twisted, by Emily, to “Shannon said Emily was in an abusive relationship.”

You said my husband was abusive … also, I smell poo. 

And if there is one thing that sticks in Shannon’s craw- even more than NACHOS- it’s someone saying Shannon said or did something she didn’t say.  Hell, she even gets pissed when she did say or do that thing the person said.  But that’s a story for late.

Net/Net- Tamra, in a drunken stupor, upsets Shannon and basically says she doesn’t care about how Shannon feels and Shannon storms out.   Haha Shannon Storms.  That’s her maiden name.

So that’s where we are.

Gina, Emily, Vicki return to the table at the Golf Course.  Tamra is “upset” because nobody should attack someone else’s husband- “It’s hurtful, betch.”  Vicki did it to Eddie the previous year and Tamra doesn’t want to see the same thing happen to Emily.

Check the courts, I currently have a case pending. 

Well, considering it’s usually Tamra going after the husbands, everyone should be safe.

Kelly goes after Shannon.

Can you let me in, Shannon?  I have the trots and I’m wearing white…

She encourages Shannon to confront Tamra about the situation because there is obviously something deeper going on here.

Back at the table, Tamra says “Emily is a hard-working woman.  She doesn’t need her husband to live!”  Uh… what does that even mean?  I mean, I know what it means- most people don’t really stay with someone for sheer survival purposes.  Unless it’s a Zombie Apocalypse situation and I’ve already resigned myself to death if that’s the situation at hand.  Because:

Ohhhh, it’s about money.

Okay, so Tamra didn’t ask for or receive any money from Simon when she divorced him, but Shannon IS getting money, and a great deal of it, from David.  Got it.  Tammy Sue is jealous.

Yeah. I’m a lawyer and I can make more money than him.  Also… I smell poo.

Emily says that Tamra is right- she can make more money than The Turtle.   Vicki is all “That’s my girl!  That’s my girl!”  Shut up, Vicki.

YASSSS GIRL!!! When you divorce you can pay him palimony like I was force to pay Donn!!

When you date a man that doesn’t have irredeemable flaws- call us.  Until then, Shut up.

Shannon comes back to the table, and is clearly upset.  Tamra is like- I don’t want you to be mad at me, betch.  Shannon says “You just told me you didn’t care about my feelings.”  Tamra denies she said this.  I swear to God, these shows really need instant replay.

Shannon leans over to Emily and says that she is getting sucked into a situation- and she never said the word “abuse.”    Meanwhile, Emily sits there with her “I smell poo” face.

Tamra interrupts and says that Shannon is making it about herself.  Shut up, Tamra.  When we need you, we’ll call you.  And we lost your number.

Shannon interviews that it was a SUPER hard week for her, in terms of her divorce, which, you know she says, probably, every week.  And not for nothing- EVERYONE at the table said stuff about Emily’s marriage, it wasn’t just Shannon, and she doesn’t see why she is on the hook for it?

We flash back to the night in question.  The girls are discussing The Turtle throwing Gina out of the house and Shannon saying that it reminds her of something David might have done.  Tamra even says “Well, it makes you think, what kind of husband is he?

Tamra plants the seed… then lets her betch flower ensnare everyone…

Shannon was relating the situation back to herself and Tamra was speculating as to the kind of husband The Turtle is.

Vicki tries to diffuse the situation, which is a new role for her, saying that Shannon and Tamra are best friends, yada yada yada and they shouldn’t fight.  Shannon says she is devastated.

Shannon really does know how to trowel it on thick doesn’t she?

Tamra, who is wasted I might add, says that she was ONLY saying that she feels bad for Emily.

Vicki is like… it’s time for cake.  Oh, so that’s why she’s trying to squash the fight, big girl wants her cake.

Hey, I’m right there with you.  In fact, I’m pretty sure most wars could have been ended if someone had just brought out some cake.

Let’s burn this mother TO THE GROUND!!

Vicki ordered TWO cakes!  Well because it’s Shannon’s birthday too, but they only celebrate it when they aren’t in a bloodfeud.  Understood.  The only thing better than one cake is two cakes.

Kelly suggests they stop arguing and Tamra says- insincerely- “Okaaaay. Happy Birthday!” and drunkenly raises her glass to toast the birthday girls.

happybirthdaybetches

Vicki interviews “It’s like herding cats with these women.”  Wow.  Vicki actually used a phrase correctly.  Amazing.

Vicki’s latest face REALLY triggers MisRed

“Why do we always have to have problems when we get together?  I’m just gonna eat my cake and pretend everything is okay.”

The group disbands.  Gina and Emily need to pick up their spawn, and Kelly needs to get Jolie.   Great idea as everyone has been DRINKING.

SIDEBAR:  Did y’all see the Kelly family meltdown on Social Media?  Holy Good Jesus.  A) Kelly should have social media revoked- she’s like Trump- she should not be allowed to tweet or post.  B) The accusations on both sides, Kelly vs her brother vs that lopsided bag of hair (her mom) are CRAY!!  C) The side accusations that these women are all actors and the REAL Kelly Dodd is someone else.   Not sure where that even wound up, but it was a little nutzo, and made MisRed feel ALL dirty reading it.

Shannon remains at the table sulking.

I’m just going to sit here and stare at my birthday cake. 

Tamra goes off with Vicki to go to the bathroom.  In her interview, she says that she is drunk, and she really doesn’t even care about the Emily and Shane situation, but Shannon just makes everything about her.   She says, Shannon is just like “Poor me, Poor me, Poor me!” Yeah, well she has to pay for water now.  “What about everybody else?”

LOL.  Oh Tamra.  You all make everything about yourselves.  AND you are the one sitting at the table saying how you don’t attack one’s husband and how it had been done to you.   Shannon was just defending herself against a false accusation of her saying something she didn’t say.

In the club house, Vicki and Tamra meet up with Steve The Faux Latino Crooked Cop.  When Vicki and Steve started dating Tamra still hated Vicki, so she doesn’t know Steve that well.

Psst, Tams, let MisRed break it down for you.  Steve Lodge is a retired crooked cop.  He ran for some public office in Anaheim, but because there was a lack of Latino representation in government in Anaheim, he ran under the name Steve Chavez.  The guys middle name is Chavez, but still it’s a little shady.  So now he’s moved on to Vicki, who will give everything she has to a man who looks at her twice, as long as he defrost the chicken and pours her wine from Aldi.  He’s out for her money and he won’t marry her.  ALLEDGEDLY.

Tamra asks “So when is the wedding?”

Uh, The second Tuesday of next week.

Yeah, well, no. 

Tamra tells Steve that he needs to marry Vicki “right now.”   Steve laughs uncomfortably, gets up to get another drink) and mutters “not until I get on the bank account and on her life insurance…then we will get married on the side of a very slippery cliff.”

At the table, Vicki says that she wakes up in the middle of the night, usually because there is a pillow being placed over her face, thinking “That’s my man! I put George Clooney in the middle of my vision board and Steve appeared three months later.”  Hmmm.  That vision board must be broken because Steve the CC is no George Clooney.   I mean, he is more attractive than Brooks, I’ll give her that much.

What does MisRed need to put in the middle of her vision board for Kyle Chandler to appear?

What was in the middle of Vicki’s Vision Board when Brooks appeared?  A photo of a giant, gaping butthole?

Tamra, always the lady, says “But do you love f*cking him?”  Then mimes fellatio.

Hang on, MisRed needs to vomit.

Can’t remember the last time I used that word in a blog- possibly never.  “So, you’re blowing him and f*cking him.”

Vicki says, “As much as I can.”  But the way she says it, it is almost like she was asked by a Doctor – So are you exercising?  Yes, as much as I can.”

Tamra says that Vicki HAS to marry him.  Vicki is like- yeah, well he has to ask me- I’m not going to ask him.  Steve returns to the table and Tamra informs him they are planning his wedding.

Vicki asks him if he has a gun on him?  Steve is like- if I did, I would have already put it in my mouth, dear.  Vicki says, “I want to pat you down.”

Then winks and makes this clicking sound that will never leave MisRed’s brain, which might be a good thing- as it might trigger MisRed to vomit again.

Tamra says “So you guys have good f*cking sessions?”

Please… there are people here that might hear you!

Steve is like… someone here MUST have a gun…he acts mortified.  Vicki tries to say that they don’t use that word- and they prefer to say they are “intimate.”

Oh yeah, Vicki, you are a regular f*cking Duggar with your high morals and chaste ways.  Did this start before or after your 3-way?

Tamra tells them they should be f*cking like rabbits.  Thanks Tamra, now you’ve ruined rabbits for MisRed.

Steve is mortified.  Vicki interviews that they don’t talk about their sex life, it just happens, and this is NOT Steve’s type of conversation.  But if they want to talk about pretending to be Latino to get voters or being named as beneficiary, he’s down.

They leave the club house and Vicki almost falls down because she’s such a sloppy drunk.  Vicki and Tamra are a disgrace to the sport of golf.

Checking in at Tamra and Eddie’s, there is a fresh delivery arrives from Amazon Prime.  Eddie wants to know what Tamra keeps ordering.  Tamra says “It’s stuff for this damn party.

I can’t exactly get in the car and drive.”   The “damn party” to which Tamra refers is a birthday party she is throwing for Eddie’s 45^th birthday- to life his spirits.

Well referring to it as a “damn” party, will really make Eddie think you are super into throwing this party for him.

Ryan, Tamra’s Neanderthal son, is there as well.  He looks a little better these days.  Not quite as repulsive as in years past.

The Amazon Prime box contains Eddie’s outfit for his birthday party.  A cheap red plastic hat, and a red suit covered in hearts.

Great way to take his mind off his health issues.

Tamra better check with Shannon to make sure she doesn’t wear the same suit to the party.  You know how she loves a theme.

It can be yours for only $100.

Tamra says that she is going to make everyone wear red to the party and “It’s going to look beautiful, betch!”  Yup, should look like a Maxi Pad commercial.

Tamra directs Eddie and Ryan to move some furniture around.

That should keep the old heart-rate down.

Well that’s one way Eddie can get out of wearing that suit- die from a heart attack first.  Seriously, should this guy be moving furniture?

Tamra asks if Eddie invited David Beador to the party and of course he did.  Tamra pretends to flip out, but you KNOW she wants David there to throw Shannon into a tizzy.

Tamra tells Eddie that David can’t EVER come to anything.  Eddie is like- well he’s my friend and he’s welcome to my house, so…. Tamra tells Eddie that he can be friends with David out in the street, but David can never come to the house.  Eddie is like- F*ck that.  Tamra says if David is ever over, SHE won’t be there.   Eddie is like- Sounds good.  And invites David to move in with him.

Tamra says that her loyalty is to Shannon and she can’t hang out with David or go out to dinner with David and she can’t imagine that David would want to come to a party where his ex-wife is in attendance.   Eddie is like “What?  Are you 12 years old? David wouldn’t be coming for HER, he would be coming for ME.

We are currently in a bromance.

David is my friend.”   Eddie agrees to uninvited David and that he will understand.  Tamra says that she and Shannon are not in a good place but she doesn’t want to break “girl code.”  Ugh, I hate that term.  “I just don’t want Shannon to be mad at me!”  Tamra says.

Eddie is like- Who cares?  She’s going to be mad at you for ANYTHING.  (That’s true.) Then he says, “She would get mad at you about that shirt!” Tamra asks what’s wrong with her shirt?!”!

Ryan chimes in- “It looks like a crayon box from the 70’s.”  Word.  MisRed thinks she had that shirt in 8^th grade.

Just what I want to see on my TV. Thanks Bravo.

Let’s head over to Gina’s, where she is trying to feed her rotten kids.  Apparently, Vicki is coming over.  Gina refers to her as Miss Vicki.

My god, Gina’s house.  It’s an eyesore.

Vicki arrives and says she has a soft spot for Gina because she reminds her of Briana.  Except, you know, Briana HAS A JOB!!!!

Vicki interacts with the kids a little- and doesn’t say anything that will permanently scar them.   She says to Gina “You got your hands full.”

Vicki picks up a framed picture and says “Oh, is this your husband?”

 Gina is like- yeah.  But you KNOW it’s just the photo that came with the frame.

Gina and Matt on their wedding day

Vicki interviews “I saw a photo of Matt- so she knows he’s a real person.”  Yes, yes, and this is MisRed’s husband:

Yes, here’s a photo of my husband when he was fighting Godzilla last year.

You also thought Brooks had cancer, despite not appearing to be REMOTELY sick, so… we aren’t going to be trusting Vicki’s opinion on things, okaaaaaaay?”

Vicki says she sees no help from Matt for Gina.  “Gina is doing the picking up, the dropping off, the homework, the coloring.”  So, she’s, like, being a Mom?  Vicki says, “How in God’s name can you make this work?”

Hey, Vicki- a lot of people make this work.  A lot of people have MORE kids and make it work.  A lot of women are single Moms and make it work.  A lot of women do this AND have a full-time job, too.  Get your head out of your ass.

If there is a God, please let this microwave fall off the wall and kill me.

Listen, not to lessen Gina’s plight.  I’m sure when she had three kids she wasn’t planning on her husband NOT living with her during the week.  I’m sure she wasn’t planning on getting divorced.  But it happens, and you have to deal with it.

As Vicki and Gina eat, the kids are all standing on the furniture.  The oldest announces that he wants to go to the playground.  Gina says that they can’t go because it’s raining.  The kid is insistent and says, “We’re going.”   And then he hits Gina in the head.

THANKFULLY she is like- NOPE and takes him to his room and tells him to knock it off.  She explains to us in an interview that it’s hard because she is stretched thin and the kids ask for Daddy and Daddy isn’t there, etc.

Meanwhile, Vicki is feeding spaghetti to the other kids.  Gina comes out and apologizes and Vicki tells her she did a great job.

Oh look.  Vicki’s original face. 

Back in Vicki’s interview she says she raised her kids “100% on MY own” and something doesn’t feel right in Gina’s marriage and “If it looks like a skunk and smells like a skunk…”.

What’s her excuse for Brooks then?

Also, Vicki, you DID NOT raise your kids on your own.  You divorced your first husband in 1992 and married Donn in 1994, when your kids were 8 and 7 respectively.

Vicki is like- Thanks for the salad but I gotta go sell insurance.  Byeeeeee.

Oh, for f*ckssake… now we are going over to Emily’s house?  MORE KIDS?!?!?!  We see Turtle humping a pillow.

Too much hair to be Turtle.

Oh wait, sorry, that’s a dog.

But speaking of The Turtle, he comes in and calls the kid by the wrong name.  Emily asks Turtle if he’s excited for the party, since he will be meeting all of the ladies?  (Eddie’s birthday party)

He’s like “I’ve HEARD them.”

Shut up.  Shut up.  SHUT UP.  I want to punch this guy in the nards every second he’s on my screen.

So excited.

Emily says, “So you are looking forward to meeting them and are excited?”  Turtle is like… I wouldn’t say I’m excited.

Emily interviews that Turtle is the King of Snarkasm.  She says that you just have to laugh at him and give it right back to him- that’s what she does.  A) We’ve seen no evidence of Emily giving anything back to him.  And B) Don’t make excuses for him.  He’s an asshole.

Emily tells Turtle that Gina will be there, so it will be good for them to actually meet instead of the, prior, 5 second interaction of him ordering her out of his house.  Turtle is like “I just asked someone to be quiet. I didn’t judge anyone or anything.  It’s an isolated incident that everyone is blowing out of proportion for no reason.”

Well, yes, he is right.  The situation has been blown out of proportion, but some of it is Emily’s fault.  And as of right now it’s an isolated incident.  Something tells MisRed it isn’t going to stay that way….

Emily says that she feels like the impression people have of Turtle is that he’s abusive (your word, not anyone else’s, Emily) and he kicked Gina out of the house.  Which he did.  But still she is excited for him to go to Eddie’s party, so people can meet the real Turtle.    She claims he is not some awful, horrible person.

MisRed will be the judge of that.

Meanwhile, one of her rotten kids is insisting that she “Lie down.”  So, she does, and he jumps on her.  She says, “Well now I know how he got pink eye- he’s always putting his face in my butt.”

Great.  Thanks for sharing THAT tidbit. Exactly what is going on in Emily’s butt?

Kelly goes to a Tea Bar.  She says to the dude behind the counter- “My friend said she wanted to come here for a “Vulva.”  She’s single and I was like ‘Wait, you want me to go down on you?’

I’ll have a Vulva… Venti.

Kelly, you are an embarrassment to women.  No, wait, to the human race.

The tea dude advises that he thinks she is talking about “BOBA.”   She orders one and Shannon arrives.

Which has fewer calories?  A Green Tea Matcha or a Extra Large Supreme Stuffed Crust Pizza put in a blender?

Boba or Bubble tea is a drink that is typically served with a big, fat straw because it has BIG tapioca pearls in the bottom.  It can be a little off-putting to suck up that first pearl, but it’s not disgusting or anything.

Kelly starts to drink her Boba and is freaked out by the tapioca pearls.  She asks to have them removed because “I’m not really into balls in my mouth.”  That’s not what we heard, honey.

Kelly asks Shannon if she has spoken to Tamra?  Shannon says no.  Shannon doesn’t understand why or how an issue between Emily and Gina turned into an issue with her.  Kelly says that Tamra is going through a lot right now too.

I’m going through a lot.

Shannon says, “I don’t know, I mean, I have a lot of stuff going on in my life, too.”  Yes, Shannon, we know.  She continues “I’ve had a tough last week and she knows that.  I don’t understand why she took it to that next level?”

Um, because Tamra is a thundertwat?  Just an idea.

Shannon says that Tamra accused her of making it all about her and that Shannon makes up that everyone is attacking her.  Well, she’s always done that.  Shannon says that the only one attacking her is David and she hasn’t complained about anybody else attacking her.

Well, she did though.  She said that Emily attacked her on the golf course.  Yes, the types of attacks are completely different, but she did say that Emily attacked her.

Shannon interviews that it’s obvious that Tamra is mad at her, but it CAN’T be because of this Emily thing.  She wonders why Tamra isn’t talking to her about the real issue?

Well, because Tamra is an emotionally-stunted hillbilly who likes to stir up drama.  If she calmly sits and talks with you and explains why she is angry and resentful, then you might resolve the issue and she wouldn’t be able to talk about you behind your back all season.

Kelly, again, points out that Tamra is going through a lot as well.

I’m going through a lot. 

Cut to Gina at Tamra’s house.  They discuss the golf outing and Tamra says that everything just came to a head at golf.  She says that Shannon is one of her best friends, but she is SO NEEDY- and Tamra has a lot of her own stuff going on right now, she just can’t shoulder both burdens.

She tells Gina that when Eddie was “in the hospital” Shannon never even called Tamra.

Listen, MisRed doesn’t want to make light of Eddie’s situation because it is very serious and is, I’m sure, extremely stressful.  But Eddie had out-patient surgery.  He wasn’t in ICU in an iron lung.  Take the drama down a notch… and maybe don’t make him move furniture unnecessarily.

She says that she doesn’t think she’s really spoken her mind- openly- to Shannon before.

Gina, who seems to have some of these betches figured out, says that it seems like Tamra has learned that if you confront Shannon with open and honest dialogue, she gets mad.  So, it’s EASIER for Tamra to just not do that.

Well then, the two of you aren’t friends, because friendship- real friendship- is a two-way street.  Trust me, MisRed has a LOT of one-way street relationships, where it’s me doing all the work, but I know that these are people I can’t count on when the chips are down.  There are VERY FEW people you can count on when the chips are down.  Those are the people who are your friends.  The rest of the people are just people in your life with whom you are friendly and hopefully they buy you a beer every once in a while.

We flashback to 2016 to Tamra telling Shannon she heard David’s Mother say that Shannon PUSHED David into having an affair.  And Shannon flipping out and storming out.  Then we flashback to 2017 to Shannon getting upset at the psychic party (at MKE’s house) because Piggy asked Shannon “Do you trust your husband?”

We don’t even go back to Shannon trying to storm out of Lizzie’s dinner party, and her getting tossed out of Heather’s house.  Too bad because they were awesome and CLASSIC Shannon.

Gina says that Tamra has to be honest with Shannon even if Shannon gets mad.  And IF Shannon gets mad, then Tamra needs to reevaluate the friendship.  Tamra knows she needs to talk to Shannon but she is so afraid of Shannon’s potential reaction.

Tamra scoots somewhere to meet Shannon- some hoity toity garden center or something.  Lo and behold, Shannon has a scooter to match Tamra’s.

Tamra interviews “Single White Female much?”

Shannon, we learn, fell on her walk that morning and the doctor told her to rest it.  So, she went right out and got a SCOOTER?  Ummmm, the Doctor didn’t want to do an X-ray?  It was probably Dr. Moon- he would have just put the Twister Spinner in Shannon’s belly button and sent her on her way.

Left foot RED

Tamra asks Shannon if she’s going to get an X-ray and Shannon is like- I’ll see how it goes.
Read:  I’ll see how long I can milk this scooter for attention.

Then the DRAMATIC MUSIC starts….

Dramatic Music confirmed.

Tamra give Shannon a look and Shannon is like – What?  Tamra says that she’s upset about what happened at the golf course.  Shannon says she is upset too.  Tamra says she’s been up at night.  Ok Tamra, you win.   She tells Shannon that she understands that Shannon has been under a ton of stress, and she is emotional about it, and Tamra is the opposite.  She tends to NOT talk about her stress, but that Shannon never thinks about what Tamra is going through with Eddie and Shannon never asks “How are you?  Are you okay?”  Tamra says that she is happy to be there for Shannon, but it’s always about Shannon.

Shannon says, “I certainly don’t want it to be about me at all.”

MisRed has a theory about “at all.”  The theory is this.  When someone throws “at all” into a statement… they are lying.  Every Dateline where the suspects says “at all,” they are 100% guilty.   Did you kill your wife “No.  Not at all.”  Where you in the area on June 5th?  “No, not at all.”

Back to these betches.

Shannon continues that the divorce hearing has been really difficult for her.  She recognizes that Tamra also has a lot going on and she wants to be there for her, Tamra is one of the best friends she has ever had.   Shannon apologizes and says that she is so glad that Tamra is being honest with her.  Tamra says that she was afraid to speak honestly to Shannon because Shannon just ices people out.  Shannon says she gets where Tamra is coming from and she has worked at trying to be less reactive to things.

Shannon interviews she feels terrible that Tamra doesn’t think that Shannon has been supportive of her and Eddie.  She says she loves Eddie and is very concerned for his health, and if she could switch places with her and have David have the terrible, potentially deadly heart issue, she would swap places in a second.   Just kidding.  But Shannon sees this is a wake-up call that she needs to devote more time to her friends.

Shannon asks if Tamra likes Eddie’s new heart doctor?

Tamra says that Eddie has gone off of all of his medication- even the blood thinners.  The doctor has told Eddie that he could have a stroke at any minute.   Apparently, that scared Eddie and he began to take his medicine again. She then says something that I didn’t quite follow, that Eddie was on the phone and Tamra asked who he was talking to and Eddie replied “God.”  Tamra said- you are talking to God on your cell phone?  And Eddie said that he was talking to “her God.”

Didn’t Kyle’s psychic talk to Papa God on her cell phone or some horsesh*t like that?

Tamra says that it’s difficult to pray for something every day and for nothing to come from it- but rather the situation gets worse and worse- even when “you are being a good person and you’re doing the right thing, where’s God then?”

Tamra thinks she’s a good person.  That’s the first interesting point of this spiel.  But also, whether you are a “good person” or Tamra, just because you pray for something doesn’t mean you are going to get what you want.  I understand it’s frustrating, but it’s that old song “You can’t always get what you want.”  Does Eddie deserve to have a stroke?  No, of course not.  But good people have strokes, good people get sick, good people die before their time.  It happens.  And yes, it’s heartbreaking, but it’s called LIFE.

And I’m not talking about the game.  The spinner from that game gets inserted into Shannon’s belly button NEXT week.

So…can I buy you a Vulva?

Shannon says she is so sorry and she IS there for Tamra.  She knew there was something deeper going on between them.  Tamra says she is not good at expressing her emotions.  Shannon says Tamra CAN express her emotions with her and she is doing a good job.  They hug.

Ok, let’s see how Tamra figures out a new way to turn on Shannon

It’s party time… we see the party prep happening.

Emily is wearing a very unfortunate-looking outfit.  If we cared more about her, it could rival the Vicki Red Dress Disaster, but alas… we don’t.

Thanks to Stayfree, you can even throw a party when you have your period!!

Tamra’s backyard is all decorated and looks nice.

Subtle.

Everyone begins to arrive for the party.

You are the one that kicked me out?  You are 3’11”.

Gina arrives goes up to Turtle and he introduces himself.  Gina is like “Shane.  IT’S F*CKING SHANE!!!  Can I get a hug f*cking Shane?”   LOL.  And he says, “Maybe if you calm down.”

Can someone toss his ass in the pool, please?  I mean, anyone could probably do it.  Have one of Gina’s kids throw him in.

Shannon and Kelly arrive.  Shannon is officially in a boot so she’s rolling in on the scooter.  Boot on one foot, 4-inch heel on the other.  Perfect sense, as always.

Oh yeah, that’s a look. 

We get an ad for Aldi Sauvignon Blanc, which must be sponsoring this sh*t show.

Emily, honey, you are a bigger-boned gal.  With poor posture.   That back ruffle is not your friend.

Vicki and Emily are talking to some guy and Vicki says, “Oh ok, we better go talk to our husbands.”  Vicki walks over to Steve the CC and says, “I just referred to you as my husband.”  Steve is like- call me anything you want.  Just make sure you get the name correct on the beneficiary line of your insurance policy.

Across the party, Kelly says “I can’t stand Vicki’s boyfriend.”  Tamra’s mom asks why?  “He’s best friends with my ex-husband, and he talks sh*t all the time.”   Sandy is like – come on, what man does that?  Kelly says that he needs to be a man and that Vicki is more of a man than he is.

He’s gross. 
Yah betch, he’s gross.
Are there nachos? 

Well THAT’S probably true.

Shannon interviews that Steve doesn’t like her.  He spoke to Page Six about her saying that Kelly shouldn’t care about who Michael is dating because it was Kelly’s choice to divorce him- he didn’t want a divorce.

Nice way of Vicki speaking to the press without violating Bravo policy.  Just have your little bitch boyfriend do it.  Vicki is gross.

Tamra had some old head-shots of Eddie enlarged for the party. Oh dear.  Well we now know what happened to the “missing link.”  She says Eddie was “into theater in college.”  Bahahahaha.  Really doing your best to squash those gay rumors.

Kelly says that she thought she would be fine to be around Steve, but she is uncomfortable, and she doesn’t want to even see his face.  Well, keep your eyes off his shirt because it’s running a close second.  Kelly tells Vicki that she is uncomfortable being around Steve.  Vicki is like “Ignore it.  Talk to someone else.”  Great way of addressing the issue, Vicki.

Vicki interviews that she has no idea why Kelly is upset with Steve and that Kelly called him a douchebag on social media.

She says that Kelly just mouths off.  I mean, yes, she does, but it usually isn’t unprovoked.

Inside, Gina confesses to Emily that she and Matt are having issues.

I’m sorry to hear about your marital problems…but do you smell poo? 

Their living apart has only highlighted their differences.  They got married young and started having kids because everyone else was having kids, and that’s what happens in Long Island- as if it’s a cult.  Which it kind of is….   She is unsure if they will get their happily ever after.

Vicki comes in and Gina tells Vicki that she is having problems with Matt.  And she is realizing that him being around is making their marriage and the kids more difficult.   Vicki tells her that she gave up on her marriage too quickly and she should try to make it work because she has three small kids.  And then Vicki tells her to “Make it better right away.”

Who cares if you are unhappy, just stay married.

Again, nobody should be taking marriage advice from either one of these women.  Vicki is a relationship train wreck and Gina married a Turtle off Google chat.

These two are like Heckle and Jeckle sitting on a wire. 

Outside, Shannon and Kelly are shoving crab into their mouths and Shannon asks Kelly if she has spoken to Emily?  Kelly says not really, and what is she going to say, “How is your Mormon husband?”  Shannon didn’t realize Turtle was Mormon.  Kelly says yes, and Persian Mormon at that.   They wonder if Turtle is even at the party because neither of them have met him.

Dickwad? Party of two?

Cut to two douchebags in convo- oh sorry, Turtle and Steve the CC are talking…

Kelly asks Shannon if she should say something to Steve.  Shannon advises her to be direct but non-confrontational because Kelly has a valid point.  Kelly reviews a bunch of scenarios of how to NOT approach the situation.

I like Kelly and Shannon together.

Shannon tells her how to approach it.  And Kelly is like “You are a 60-year-old man, but you are acting like a little bitch.”  Shannon thinks if Kelly can relay her point in a calm manner, she will have a better chance of getting a good result.

Shannon should use this logic on herself.

And not only that, but when has Kelly ever relayed her point in a calm manner when in a confrontation?

Let’s review Kelly’s greatest hits, shall we?

Exhibit A.

Exhibit B.

Exhibit C.

Kelly approaches Steve, who is standing with The Turtle, and says, “Hey, I don’t want to make a big deal about it, but I’m really upset about what happened on social media.”  Steve looks at her blankly, and Kelly asks him if he knows what she is talking about?  He says, coldly, I don’t follow social media.

Uh… bullshit.

Kelly says “You went on Page Six…”  Steve is like- what did I say?  Kelly is like- you don’t know what you said?  It was a quote.  Steve is like- you are the one explaining…  Kelly asks if she should pull it up on her phone and read it to him?

Steve tells her to take her drama somewhere else and walks away. Turtle jumps right in though, saying that if she has something against him she should bring it to him.

That’s exactly what she’s doing, Turtle.   Oh, and making passive aggressive remarks and storming off doesn’t exactly speak well to Steve’s “innocence.”

Kelly explains to the Turtle that she hasn’t seen him to be able to talk to him about it.  Turtle then says she shouldn’t make a big deal out of it.

Right.  Like someone being a little loud at a party and someone else yelling down the staircase to “Get this chick out of my house”?

Kelly asks how she is making a big deal out of it?  Turtle shrugs and is like “idunno.”

idunno

That’s what you’ve got?  And this guy is a lawyer?  Great argument, sir.  Case dismissed.

Vicki goes inside and asks Steve if Kelly spoke to him- and what did she say?  He goes “All she wants to do is argue.”  How would he know? He spit out two words and then ran away like a little girl. Vicki tells him not to drink her Kool Aid.  Shut up, Vicki.

Vicki interviews that the fact that Kelly is bringing Steve into this is ridiculous and childish.  You know what else is childish- sending your boyfriend to do your dirty work.  Having him talk to the press and plant stories so you don’t get fined by Bravo.

Vicki says she is not happy with this “new Kelly.”   Oh, you mean the Kelly that is seeing you for what you really are?  “It really hurts my feelings that she would be so disrespectful.”

Right.  Okay, so let’s review disrespectful “stuff.”

• Vicki being a complete hypocrite on multiple fronts:
  • Accusing someone of cheating on their dying fiancé.
  • Badgering someone for dating someone rumored to not pay his child support and then dating someone who went to jail for not paying child support.
  • Berating someone for taking calls at the dinner table, but then doing the same thing the next day.
• Pretending to fall asleep when other people are telling a story.
• Showing up, unannounced, at your son’s college when he’s trying his best to just get laid and not flunk out.
• Feigning a neck injury in Glamis Dunes.
• Helping Brooks fake cancer.
• Choosing Brooks over her own child.
• Repeatedly not having her friends backs, i.e. Kelly in Ireland
• Mocking Heather for her vocabulary, which is about 8 grade-levels above Vicki’s.
• Telling Meghan that Jim will divorce her in 4 years. (Which may be true, but still- DISRESPECTFUL)
• Being nasty to MKE regarding Cancer and her questioning Brooks’s treatment.
• Turning on Shannon for telling her that the girls think Brooks was faking cancer.
• Early on, making one of her employees get a full make-over because Vicki didn’t like her look.
• Forcing the viewer to see her in that Red Dress.
• Forcing the viewer to imagine her in a 3-way.
• Forcing the viewer to see her hitting on the Donn look-alike in Mexico.
• Spreading a rumor that Eddie is gay.
• Ditching half of the girls at Tamra’s bachelorette party to go to Andales.
• Peeing on Tamra’s bed.
• Comparing herself to “Christ on the cross.”
• Ruining Blue Cheese Stuffed Olives for the rest of us.
• Ruining shots for the rest of us with her disgusting lizard tongue.

And THAT’S just off the top of my head.  Feel free to add you own.

Back outside, Kelly and Turtle talk- Kelly asks why a man would write about her?  Turtle says, “You mean to tell me he’s the only man who has ever written about you?”  Kelly is like… um, well, yeah.  Turtle says that’s between the two of them.  Kelly is like- Yes, then why are you getting involved?  In the meantime, Shannon has come up – SANS SCOOTER, I MIGHT ADD, and is standing next to Kelly.

Say your prayers because you are done, dude.

Turtle denies his involvement but at this point Kelly has him in her cross hairs.  LOL. It’s awesome.

Turtle says, insultingly, “You’re drunk.” Because pious non-drinkers consider that to be a horrible insult.

Kelly is like “What?  I’m not drunk at all.”  Whoops, there’s the “at all” again- maybe it doesn’t apply to tequila.  “This is my first drink.”

Turtle says “That’s your normal behavior?  Ugh.”   Well, aren’t you one to talk about behavior?

BOOM

Kelly then goes, “You are a f*cking dork.  Loser.”  LOL, I love Kelly sometimes.  She keeps repeating “Dork” and “loser” as she walks away…to get another drink.

Turtle says, of Kelly, but to Shannon, “Unfortunately, your opinion doesn’t matter.”  Great comeback.  Especially when Kelly is out of ear-shot.

Shannon tries to smooth things over with the Turtle saying Kelly is upset and apologizing for Kelly.

Kelly comes back yelling “DON’T TALK TO HIM!  HE’S A LITTLE TWERP.  YOU LITTLE PUSSY.”

And then walks away again.  Shannon is like… yeah, sorry.

His face, though.

Turtle says to Shannon, “That’s your friend?”

Kelly, at the bar with Emily and Gina, says, “This guy’s a little bitch over there.”  Emily is like who?  “That little man over there that Steve’s talking to.”  Emily is like- Steve?  Kelly says, “Steve’s little bitch over there- I don’t know who he is.”

Emily says, “Are you talking about my husband?”  Bahahahahahahaah.  Kelly is like THAT’S your husband?  Emily confirms.  And Kelly says, oh, I wasn’t introduced to him.

Cut to 30 minutes earlier when Kelly was introduced to Turtle.  I mean, in fairness, he isn’t particularly memorable.

And he looks so welcoming too.

Kelly says she didn’t know Turtle was Emily’s husband but he’s over there sticking up for Steve the Crooked Cop.  Turtle, who has now come over to the bar, denies he was sticking up for Steve.

Oh, so he wasn’t defending Steve, he was just being an asshole completely independent of Steve.  Got it.

Kelly tells him he shouldn’t have opened his mouth.  Turtle says she shouldn’t have come up to HIS table.  Kelly asks if this is his house?

Shannon tries to diffuse the situation and it like “Kelly calm down.”  Yeah, well that always works.

Turtle says “Emily, is THIS someone you want to hang out with?”

Kelly claps back “You said I was drunk.  You’re a little bitch, dude.”   Emily is like Kelly! That’s my husband.  Kelly just keeps saying “That’s a little bitch.”

He’s a little bitch!

Emily starts finger pointing and getting up in Kelly’s grill “Hey! That’s my husband.  You don’t f*cking talk to my husband!”

Also…. I SMELL POO!!

Kelly says “Your little husband.  Go get him, go be in love.”  Emily comes back with fingers pointing and Kelly is like “Come on!  Hit me!  Hit me!!”  Jesus.

Emily growls- and she truly sounds like a DEMON “YOU DON’T TALK TO MY HUSBAND THAT WAY!”  Gina and Shannon try to pull them apart and Emily is like “F*ck you!” Get her away from me!! I’LL F*CKING KILL YOU.”

Get ’em, Tiger.

Luann de Lesseps West Coast, folks.

Kelly is like “Holy Shit.”

Next week: There is drama between Vicki and Kelly when Kelly reveals that Steve is with Vicki for the money.  I mean, seriously?  Stevie Wonder told me that one night at a bar about 3 years ago.  Vicki says that “Everyone is always after what I have.”  Herpes?  Oh!  She means what exactly?  Well, I mean Steve is after her money so…  or does she think everyone is after her “relationship” with a dead-eyed faux Latino crooked cop?  Dr. Moon RETURNS!!!  Gina breaks down over her marriage.

Well, FINALLY, we had a little action this episode.  What’s your take on this whole Kelly vs. Steve situation?  Do you think Turtle had the right to jump in?  Is he just the worst or is MisRed imagining it?  I’d love to hear your opinions.  xoxoxo

Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!

Trashies! We made it! This was the longest season of Bachelor in Paradise that’s ever happened. And it’s just about over. I’m so excited. Anyway, we open this week still talking about Shushanna possibly being a witch and burning Kamil’s photo. That conversation ends quickly as we get a recap of the other established couples before John finds a date card for Jordan. He and Jenna are going on a photo shoot. Did you guys know that Jordan is a model? I had no idea! Anyway, it’s a faux engagement shoot followed by some fake wedding photos where we watch Jenna freak out about having to wear a wedding dress.

These shoot is super awkward in light of recent events.

Ugh, Robby (Jojo) comes in. He thinks we know him from his social media influencing. I wonder if Kamil is excited to meet a social media influencer. I mean, as a social media participant, this is what he aspires to! The highly teased “model showdown” between Robby and Jordan never actually happens. In fact, I’m pretty sure they don’t even talk to one another. In the end, Shushanna goes out with Robby because she’s the only person available.

I’m fairly certain Robby’s hair hasn’t moved since Jojo’s season.

Since literally nothing interesting on the date, we get to watch everyone else talk about how Robby cheated on Amanda. Also, we have to watch more happy couple footage where Cassandra asks Kiwi Jordan to make a move and he does. That was a waste of time. After that, it’s time for the beginning of the end with Joe and Kendall. They’re making out and he decides to bring up the idea of getting engaged at the end of this. This freaks Kendall out and she decides to go collect her thoughts for a while after he admits that he’s absolutely serious about this. I kind of don’t blame Kendall for freaking out. It’s been all of two weeks – tops. Remember when everyone rallied around Peter when he didn’t want to propose to Rachel after six weeks? Now everyone is sending Kendall all sorts of hate for basically being exactly the same. Bachelor Nation can be very weird when it comes to a good looking and charming man.

How’s the weather high on the pedestal, Joe?

It’s a rose ceremony day, but first we have to see more Joe and Kendall drama (but not before Diggy brings in a trumpet player for Olivia and John stealing her away). Anyway, it’s a big fight that simply boils down to these two not knowing how to communicate with one another. In the end, they break up and both go home. So, let’s get right to the rose ceremony. The only kind of unknown is Olivia since she likes both John and Diggy.

Cassandra gives her rose to Kiwi Jordan
Shushanna gives her rose to Robby
Annaliese gives her rose to Kamil
Astrid gives her rose to Kevin
Krystal gives her rose to Chris (and her baby voice is back!)
Jenna gives her rose to American Jordan
Olivia gives her rose to John

That means Diggy is leaving. At least he gets to take the trumpet player with him.

Diggy trying not to laugh is my favorite thing ever.

The next morning, it’s time for the super serious “are we going to break up or get engaged right the fuck now?” conversations. I never understand this. Why do they have to decide to be 100% committed to one another in order to go into the fantasy suites? Why can’t they just say, “Hey, we totally want to sleep in an air conditioned room. Wanna do that and maybe see what happens if we try to date in the real world?”

The first chat is John and Olivia. Together, they decide that it’s too soon to make a commitment, so they decide to leave still dating one another to see how things shake out in the real world. Cassandra and Kiwi Jordan are up next. She wants to continue, but he doesn’t. I can just hear him thinking, “You know I live on the literal other side of the world, right?” Anyway, they break up. Robby and Shushanna have a similar breakup. He says that they’ll still hang out and he’ll take her to dinner if he’s ever in Utah. No one actually thinks this will happen, right? Let’s get right to the couples that we actually kind of care about.

Obviously Jordan and Jenna and Chris and Crystal decide to continue their relationships. Kamil and Annaliese decide to go to the fantasy suite together and he couldn’t look less interested if he tried.

He looks like he wants to be anywhere else.

And now it’s time for the Kevin and Astrid breakup. I’m kind of over Kevin’s shit at this point. I love that Astrid doesn’t beg him to stay. She just says, “OK, fine” and walks away. I love it when people handle breakups with maturity on this show. With that, they both leave.

We get some really uncomfortable footage from the fantasy suite dates that includes Krystal running a feather down Chris’ chest, so let’s just skip right to the next day. It’s time for all of the final roses and/or proposals.

Annaliese and Kamil

Obviously, Annaliese is expecting a proposal from Kamil. He tells her that he wants to continue to be with her, but he doesn’t want to get engaged right now. Despite what we all know, Annaliese tells him that she 100% agrees that they’re not ready.

No, she doesn’t.

Jenna and Jordan

Yep, they get engaged. That didn’t last long.

Krystal and Chris

They get engaged too. Chris is, of course, an ass hole about it and tries to trick Krystal into thinking he’s dumping her. I just roll my eyes. A lot.

So, let’s get to the live updates. First, there’s a lot of fighting with American Jordan and Benoit. Look, I know everyone loves him after watching this season and we’re all supposed to be rallying around him after Jenna’s text messages were made public, but I just can’t with this guy. He’s like a joke that just got repeated way too many times. I honestly just find him annoying and exhausting. Oh, and Eric is still trying to rewrite history with Angela. I’m so sad that Eric turned out to be kind of a dick. It’s fine. Angela is dating Clay now.

Girl definitely upgraded.

So, updates: Astrid and Kevin are back together. Joe and Kendall are back together as well and he’s going to be on Dancing With the Stars. I looked at the cast this season. Joe is one of two people I recognize. Congrats on being one of the most famous D-listers, Joe!

The main drama of the night is the Annaliese and Kamil breakup. I love that he says, “I wish I wasn’t doing it this way.” I don’t think you can say that as you’re actually doing the thing. Honestly, this guy has always been a douchebag, and Annaliese was just desperate and delusional. Kamil also complains that he looks like a douchebag on TV again. Well, maybe if you didn’t act like a douchebag, you wouldn’t look like one  on TV.

The least surprising thing in Bachelor Nation history.

Jenna and Jordan come out next. They’ve set a wedding date for next year on Paradise and they want Chris Harrison to officiate. I guess that won’t be happening now.

So, yeah, Chris and Krystal. That’s a thing. OK, then. Are we supposed to root for them? Oh, and Chris Harrison gives them a gift.

Get it? ‘Cause her name sounds like “crystal” and he calls himself “Goose” for some reason.

Bloopers are just things falling over and John and Olivia fighting with seatbelts.

So, that brings us to the end of another season! Thanks for sticking through it with me. I’ll be back on 7 January for another season of The Bachelor. Get the wine ready – we’ll need it to deal with Colton!

Until then, Trashies.

Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get find the occasional gif on Tumblr!

Howdy yall! Welcome back to Dallas. It’s been tough getting back into this for me since last week I was thrown of of my own personal broncin’ buck, but here I am now, somewhere between hungover and drunk again, eyeing the flaring, angry wet nostrils on this snorting taurus of a show, running towards it at full force and wholly willing to conquer it once more. Let’s grab the bull by the horns, shall we?

We open at Brandi’s house, which looks a little something like this:

Basically the first five minutes of this episode are an apolacalyptic montage of Brandi’s massive tribulations as a mother. Shit’s hard! Babies are crying, dogs are barking, there’s a fire raging in the living room, a family of possums has moved into the powder room and hiss furiously if you try to encroach, mud is pouring out of the faucets, chandeliers are crashing through the ceiling… Brandi knew she shouldn’t have started playing that old board game they found in the attic!

Nah, I kid, but jesus, is this scene stressful and tiresome. Brandi prides herself on not having a nanny and for once I kind of want to nudge a Housewife to actually have one. Like, maybe Brandi should hire an au pair and just assign the person to ONE child. Namely, this one:

Brian is so gunna get someone in editing fired for that typo.

Now, I know that it’s against Internet Law to make fun of a child and everything. So let me preface this by saying a) this is much more an indictment of 9-year-olds in general, and b) when I was 9 I was about mmm, 4032% worse. When I was 9 my aunt asked me to be in her wedding and the first thing I did was ask her fiance, to his face, in front of her, why he got divorced the year before. When I was 9 I took my neighbor’s baby out of her stroller when the neighbor wasn’t looking and walked a good 30 feet away, just so I could hold the baby all by myself without some dumb grownup telling me what to do. When I turned 9, on my birthday, my brothers had a tantrum because I got to sit in the front seat on the ride over to Red Lobster for my birthday dinner. I laughed in their face and told them to suck it up since obviously our parents didn’t love them as much. When I was 9, I wasn’t just a pain in the ass, I was a social Antichrist.

That said, man does Brooklyn remind me that 9-year-olds are a pain in the ass. They’re in that uber-self-aware phase so everything they do is designed to draw attention, and they think that same everything is hilaaaaaaaarious because nothing’s funnier to a 9-year-old than their own shitty attitude. Other things 9-year-olds find funny: torturing their siblings, talking smack to their mom, and farts. All things exhibited by our redheaded little demon, Brooklyn.

Obviously Brooklyn’s terrible behavior is exacerbated by the fact that there’s a huge camera crew there goading her on, and she’s been mainlining Pixie Stix for like 37 hours straight, but good gravy, my blood pressure spiked just watching this goblin.

I also feel the need to point out that Brandi and her daughters are all wearing those insanely mental hairbows they wear at professional cheering competitions, which seems a little much right now. I mean, considering Brandi kinda wants to kill herself.

Dear Brandi:

There are a bunch of transition shots, including one of This Bitch taking a portrait with her family, where her daughter is clutching the family cat and choking the life out of it, and one of Stephanie and her family in Italy, where Travis is asking around for the Pope’s number so he can have the Trevi Fountain shipped into their living room or whatever.

LeeAnne and Rich go to a fancy eye-talian restaurant where they engage in their weekly ritual of LeeAnne talking about their relationship and Rich choking in response.

LeeAnne orders for him and he bristles into an even sturdier oak tree than he was when he sat down. Side note: it’s so stupid that we now have to watch the Housewives literally order their meals whenever they sit down at a restaurant. Obviously it’s part of the restaurant’s promotional deal with Bravo, but I don’t care that LeeAnne is going to be a crazy lady in front of a plate of scallops, I just want to watch her be a crazy lady!

One of the things I didn’t get to cover when I missed last week’s episodes was that the Housewives are picking really personal, needless fights this season. I like to call them Nunya Fights because they arise when one Housewife gets irrationally irritated and personally offended by another Housewife’s life choices, which hello, are none of her business. Now, it works with This Bitch and her crusade against Brandi’s closed-door adoption process because This Bitch is ostensibly horrible and I believe that she is narcissistic enough to believe that Brandi shouldn’t have adopted a baby without telling This Bitch (who, outside of sharing a reality show with her, is a perfect stranger). That fight is fun, because there’s an easy Wrong and Right, and This Bitch is at the center of it, and my friends, she is low-hanging fruit.

But all this scrutiny over LeeAnne’s engagement to Rich – spearheaded by LeeAnne’s best friend D’Andra – is tiresome. D’Andra is yelling at LeeAnne, often and publicly, to put pressure on Rich to set a date for the wedding and get married already. Why? Who cares? Who kayhs. Go home and have a pinot grigio. Go to bed. So what. I seriously don’t know why anyone would question LeeAnne’s nine-year relationship with a decent man (WHO TOLERATES HER, might I add) or why her signing some stupid paper means anything to them. LeeAnne and Rich are in their 50s, wealthy and childless, doing whatever the fuck they wanna do, which by their own admission is eat pizza on the couch and bang themselves silly. What is broken here?

But I guess D’Andra started this campaign because it allows her to seem aggressive without coming off as antagonistic, firm but caring at the same time. And it gives LeeAnne a heavy story line to work with, so sigh, I guess we’re running with it.

Ew, Rich orders his rib eye medium well. I bet he loved D’Andra and Jeremy’s #MAGA Fourth Anniversary platter.

LeeAnne opens the floor to talk about the wedding. Rich, in response:

She talks about how Rich wants to “set a date to set the date,” which spells STALLING in big red flashing neon lights (so does him making an excuse that he was “joking” when he said that), but now that LeeAnne is being humiliated by her friends about it she suddenly cares. In her interviews she makes up some guff about this all being her fault since she doesn’t know how to expose her true feelings to Rich, which is a real crock considering how easily we’ve seen LeeAnne express herself before.

At the table, LeeAnne asks Rich if he thinks that the reason neither of them talks about the wedding is because neither of them want to get married, and then, oh my god, the two of them give each other a look that screams YES OBVIOUSLY THAT’S WHY WE DON’T TALK ABOUT IT, WHY ARE WE EVEN DOING THISSSSSSSSSS

But despite the pleading look in both their eyes, Rich is now humiliated and challenged, especially after LeeAnne cites his proposal at the Texas State Fair (“a magical moment!”) and since then the idea of having a wedding has turned into a “desert,” so he says in the smallest voice I’ve ever heard, “… yes… I didn’t just ask you to ask you…” They both agree that they have “communication issues” because neither of them “wants to piss the other off.” I don’t buy this (if anyone has stuck around LeeAnne for nine years, then they know how to talk to and at her), but whatever. LeeAnne interviews about her abandonment issues, asking that if someone can abandon a cute little 3-year-old, like her mom did her, what’s to stop another person from abandoning a “50-year-old loud-mouthed bitch?” Ha. I do love LeeAnne.

Rich gets all sappy but it’s ruined from the get-go since he starts with “look me in the eye.”

wink emoji

They both get all sappy and Rich asks LeeAnne to marry her all over again and LeeAnne acts like that’s the most romantic god damned thing that’s ever happened in her frickin life: a man coerced into proposing to her for a second time, planted firmly in his seat with his arms crossed across a dinner table – not getting up or kneeling or anything – in a crowded restaurant, surrounded by a TV crew. They both agree that the wedding will “organically happen” when they start planning it, so boom, it’s settled, they concur that their wedding woes are over if they just start letting the chips fall where they may by calling caterers and venues and flower shops like every other normal effing engaged couple out there. Even though we could have solved this in five minutes by just saying THAT, not having an embarrassing fake heart-to-heart about it, and not forcing it on two people who are happy with what they have and do not want to marry each other.

Love w(h)in(e)s!

Commercial break: shout out to my mom, who is obsessed with this one moment where Jim Parsons says “this is so bayyyyd!” on WWHL and now she repeats it over and over and over again. I just went through a nasty break-up, and all she did was clutch her face and say “this is so bayyyyd!”

“He cheated on you? This is so bayyyyd!”
“He had another girlfriend this whole time and was lying to you both? This is so bayyyyd!”
“You wrote about it all in a blog and then published it for the world to see because you’re a messy bitch who lives for drama? I’m so proud of you but this is so bayyyyd!“

I kid. She was a perfect mom about it, but once I got a little alcohol in her she did do the Jim Parsons This So Bad Thing more times than was necessary or sensitive.

Hey, it’s time for our weekly episode of Kameron Westcott Uses Her Children As A Safety Net To Process Big Serious Adult Things!

Once again, This Bitch tries to show us how serious she is about Sparkle Dog, her pink dog food love letter to herself, by talking about it in front of her kids. This Bitch only talks about Sparkle Dog to Hilton and Cruise (I love how she named them after rich people vacations) because she has no idea what she’s doing and cannot begin to fathom the business terms or practices it entails. She knows these 5-year-old little squirts are the only ones who understand the project on her own very basic level (they’ll probably be so proud of mommy!), and unlike literally any other professional adult, they won’t press her with obvious questions like “what’s your retail strategy?” or “do you have a five-year plan?” or “can I see your balance sheet?” or “do you know how to write an email?”

But the thing that bothers me even more about this – outside of the fact that she’s using her kids as a vehicle to show off – is the way she talks to them. She talks down to them in a slow, over-enunciated, loud tone, like people in sitcoms do when they’re faced with a deaf person or charming racial stereotype. I’m not a parent, but I feel entitled enough to say that you should just talk to your kids like they’re fucking humans, you know? Same with old people and the mentally disabled. They’re regular people with reasoning skills just like you and me. They understand words in English at a normal pace; yelling at them like a robot with a broken volume nob makes you look like an asshole. I don’t even talk to my pets with this much condescension, Jesus.

Anyway, This Bitch shout-coos at her kids: “I have an IMPORTANT TASK today. I have to get all my stuff together for the GLOBAL PET EXPO. Do you guys know what the Global Pet Expo isssss?” OMG lady, they’re fucking six, they only know what a chicken nugget is. See, this is what I’m talking about! Anyway: “It’s the BIGGEST, WORLD, ANIMAL, TRADE SHOWWWW, FOR ANIMAL. PRODUCTS. I’m gunna SHOWWWW YOUUUUUU a BIIIIIIG DISPLAAAAAY.” Seriously. What part of any of that would you reasonably say to a child in a normal conversation. This Bitch has no idea that she’d come off more like a natural mother if she just did all this Sporkle Pooch crap herself and spent her time on tape with her kids doing kid things. But she has know idea how to do compartmentalize any of this, so who am I kidding. To reiterate my point, the editors cut to that scene where Court and This Bitch were arguing about the company by addressing everything they wanted to say to each other to their daughter.

Anyway, what also proves that This Bitch is colossally stupid is that she unpacks a huge marquis for the expo and tries to set it up in her living room, where it doesn’t even fit, instead of thinking maybe you’re just supposed to leave it in its traveling case and like, do that at the actual show.

Between interviewing about how she wants to do this with her kids since they’re always with the nanny, and how she wants to them to see firsthand her professional ineptitude, and “expectations of Westcott women” (gag me), she asks her kids if they think people are going to want to buy Sparkle Dog. They tell her “no.” This is the response from her OWN CHILDREN:

IT’S PINK DOG FOOD. IT’S DUMB.
– seven-year-old

God, This Bitch looks idiotic even in front of the tiny, as-yet-psychologically-developing offspring she’s trying to impress. Then she asks them if they’ll be OK with her being gone for a while for the expo, and they say no, and I find this clarification kind of… ominous?

Maybe I’m reaching, but doesn’t this sound more like something a husband would say? I’ve never heard of a kid pouting about their parents being in another city “for four nights alone.” I mean the fact that she used the word “nights” instead of “days” and then tacked on the “alone” part. This just kinda… sounds like something Hilton overheard and picked up.

LeeAnne comes over to D’Andra’s house for a filler scene where they catch up on their personal story lines, sitting on D’Andra’s ugly couch with her adorable dogs.

They briefly gloss over D’Andra’s plan to break off from her mother’s company as D’Andra ruefully and realistically explains that such an endeavor would mean “starting from ground zero” since she can’t take any of Dee’s heavily shellacked money (that D’Andra helped her earn) with her. That’s a bummer, and despite how hard-working and pragmatic D’Andra seems, the fact that she’s also kind of a limp noodle makes me think this is a plan that’s dead in the water.

LeeAnne tells D’Andra about her deflated ass dinner with Rich, proudly relating that she pushed him on the marriage thing and jumping up and down that “he asked me again, and I’m so EXCITED!!!” (Please, readers, scroll up and remind yourselves how Rich “asked her” again.)

This obviously doesn’t thrill or appease D’Andra in the way LeeAnne wanted it to, and she challenges LeeAnne by asking her, “so then what’s the date.” LeeAnne doesn’t answer her, and D’Andra interviews shrewdly that she’s never heard of “renewing an engagement” and she thinks Rich is just “buying time.” Which, yes, is all painfully clear, but again, why any of this matters to D’Andra is beyond me.

They announce for us that Brandi’s taking them all to the rodeo for D’Andra’s upcoming 49th birthday and D’Andra announces that she’s going to wear her western boots and her “new, fabulous, thousand-dollar hat.” Oh, great! I love that this woman both has thousands of dollars to throw at clothing AND has impeccable taste to do it well. See, for example, these glittery “YES” sandles:

Now that she’s spent four episodes Being Good, LeeAnne (thoroughly bored out of her mind at this point) decides to flip back in to autopilot and tells D’Andra that she’s soooo confused about D’Andra and Brandi’s sudden reconciliation in Beaver Creek (“shitfaced shopping,” as she calls it, which I sort of love). She gets all faux concerned and tells D’Andra that she doesn’t want Brandi to use their “solid foundation of a relationship” against LeeAnne, and she knows “what Brandi’s capable of.” (god, everything about LeeAnne is steeped in physical menace) Not that I’m telling you not to be friends with Brandi! LeeAnne clarifies, even though that’s exactly what I’m telling you, LeeAnne goes on to say, her eyes steeling.

D’Andra understandably interviews her confusion about this line of questioning since, as we all know, LeeAnne and Brandi made up at Bruin’s debut party:

… but, just to get LeeAnne to shut the fuck up, she’s like, whatever, “I hear what you’re saying; proceed with caution.” Buh. Great.

Yall, it’s time for the rodeo!

D’Andra explains that (of course) she grew up going to the rodeo; her family had BOX SEATS, as all moneyed, deeply Dallas families do. This Bitch explains that she knows what horses are because her family went to “poh-luh” matches a lot. This Bitch is soooooo one of those stuffy extras from that polo scene in Pretty Woman. How much you wanna bet her dad was some guy named Stuckey and propositioned Julia Roberts for sex behind his wife’s back.

Because I’m a nerd for this sort of thing, here’s how everyone dressed for the rodeo:

We have Brandi, who dressed sort of “Sorority Girl Rodeo,” then Joyce and LeeAnne, who went the middle-of-the-road rodeo with jeans and western accent pieces (although LeeAnne confused “western” as “Apache meets Gucci”), then stupid This Bitch, who wore some ugly curtains (what a great choice too! a flowy wrap dress for a place shrouded in dust and dung) but made it rodeo with predictably Pepto-Bismol pink cowboy boots, and then D’Andra, who went with full-stop rodeo glamour.

I mean, I know I attack D’Andra’s stylistic decisions, but I’m realizing now that her terrible fashion intentions stem from an inability to never truly escape her natural milieu: big gaudy Texas flash. And man, when we isolate her in that space, she REALLY pulls off an outfit.

I love everything about this: the turquoise tassel earrings, the painted-on black jeans tucked into black boots, the gorgeously braided cowgirl pigtails, the jeweled belt buckle that’s the size of a dinner plate, the loosely fitted paisley shirt that reminds me of a screamin fajita platter, the color story of it all, presented with tray of tequila shots… it’s just so, so, so on point, and all it makes me want to do is jump on a mechanical bull and wave around a Stetson hat, yodeling my heart out all the while, then get thrown right off into the lap of a ranch hand. Yee. Fuckin. Haw.

On the ride over, we learn that Stephanie couldn’t make it because Italy or something and Cary wouldn’t have wanted to come anyway because “it’s not boujie enough for her.” They all start to talk about their experience with the rodeo: This Bitch obviously has none but she does remember going to the Stock Yards and seeing all the “bowls” walking around.

Everyone laughs at her obnoxiously moneyed Valley Girl accent and her inability to even say “bulls” correctly. LeeAnne explains the phonetic difference in her interview:

“bowl…”“… bull”

LeeAnne is the most damnable person on this show and the fact that this is how he has to educate someone like This Bitch, in an even more simplified and better way than This Bitch talks to her kids, is all you need to know about This Bitch.

Can we also take a moment to talk about the fact that This Bitch basically brought a diaper bag with her and this thing was in it?

WHY IS NO ONE COMMENTING ON THE FACT THAT THIS BITCH BRINGS A DIAPER BAG TO THE RODEO WITH A PINK DISNEY PRINCESS WAND IN IT.

She also brought this pink bunny bubble blower. I mean, I can’t prove that it belongs to This Bitch, much like I can’t prove that my dog PROBABLY got worms from eating grass at the dog park, but still. This Bitch has literally brought a 3-year-old’s princess birthday party to a fucking rodeo.

Anyway, the girls eventually pull up to the Stock Yards just in time to see a parade of longhorns stroll by. This Bitch, upon seeing her “bowls” strut out, gushes: “Ohmigosh, guys they’re so cuuuuuuute. Look how cute they are! Look how good they are! They’re not even on leashes. They’re adorable.” For visual reference, this is what she was looking at:

So cuuuuute! Where can I buy onnnnnne?! What do I need, like, do they just go in a litter box or what? Should I let them on my bed or is that a no-no? Can they fetch? Do they have any training or do I need to teach them how to sit? Are they good with kids? I once had a dog who didn’t like black people and men who wear hats. Do any of them have that sort of prejudice? Do they link PINK food? I bet they like pink food. Seriously, who doesn’t like pink. Oh, can I get one in pink? THEEEEEENKS.

The girls then start at a twangy dive bar, which apparently isn’t rustic and beer-rotty enough for Brandi, so she breaks out her damn beer bong.

This is enough to annoy even LeeAnne, who interviews: “do you just carry fuckin funnels with you wherever you go?”

This Bitch is more accepting because “in college” she did “a few champagne bombs.”

… you know, with the rest of the cast of Richie Rich Does UC Santa Barbara.

Everyone at the bar finds this hilarious and adorable, by the way:

D’Andra does a bong and LeeAnne gets all pissy since she knows D’Andra’s a pussy and she’s doing something stupid that Brandi thought of:

… so then LeeAnne is all MY TURN and insists nastily, and hungrily, that she does one herself, insisting the girls go slowly:

… she then spends the next ten minutes burping and wretching, as D’Andra remarks that she can’t keep up with their drinking habits and Brandi makes some ageist remark about LeeAnne “feeling left out at 51.”

… and, not like I’m trying to defend LeeAnne, but I think basically most 51-year-olds (or anyone over the age of 22) is OK with not bringing their own beer bong to a bar and using it in broad daylight. But maybe I’m just a 32-year-old grandmother, who knows! I feel so left out.

Now that they’ve all chugged bottles and bottles of carbonated yeast into their bellies, it’s time for the Mechanical Bull!

Points to LeeAnne for style:

Unsurprisingly, they all make sex jokes because hurr durr riding someone, and yes ladies, sex is fun. Reverse cowgirl is a very vulnerable and blind maneuver but when executed correctly, is quite liberating. Since none of us have mingled our genitals with another person’s, we thank you for this insight.

And then, blegh, it’s this bitch’s turn:

LeeAnne, who clearly knows how to mount a bull, sweetly and with great struggle tries to hoist This Bitch on the bull for her. Then the operator turns on the motor and it goes about as slowly and quietly as the automatic rake that run through my cat’s litter box when it’s been 20 minutes since she peed.

This Bitch wobbles on top of it and tries to keep her balance even though the thing is moving less quickly and turbulently than a horse on a carousel, then after 15 seconds she pretends to fall off by extending her leg and leaning back in to the moon bouncey part. Good for This Bitch, being all adventurous.

Then the ladies head to Billy Bob’s to watch some real bull riding. And I agree with D’Andra: “Watching hot guys ride bulls in tight pants, after watching Kameron ride a mechanical bull, is a completely different thing.”

Thank u Bravo 4 this gift

There’s a brief interlude where we see Cary check on her house renovations with a stern, cat-faced decorator named Susan:

Cary, who agrees that she’s too “boujie” for the rodeo (“There’s no five-star Michelin restaurant there!”), tells us that she modeled her closet after the Fendi store in Highland Park, and I want to die.

Anyway, this scene is on the bingo card of Housewife tropes, so it’s not that surprising: walking around a gutted-out pile of sticks and announcing all the vamillion-dollar things that will somehow exist there in a few weeks’ time (they promise!), like a $75,000 cooking unit:

Cool! Oh, and this is also a scene where Cary announces (for the second time) that she wants to fix her relationship with her dad. Snore. Great. Next.

Back at the rodeo, fully housed, the girls have eventually wound up in one of those bars that serves drinks in cups that are made out of calcified condom skins:

… so you know it’s classy! The girls all hunch over a table and ask Brandi if she’s having fun without Cary and Stephanie in the mix. Brandi insists that she herself brings the fun, making the uppity part of the crowd (This Bitch, D’Andra) let their hair down when she’s around. And god, we’re getting in to one of those exhausting conversations about society women and how they’re NEVER ALLOWED TO BE BIOLOGICALLY ORGANIC IN PUBLIC, EVER.

This Bitch hunkers down in her interviews with more “Westcott Women!” and “Expectations!” bullshit, nauseatingly whining that she’d never stoop to D’Andra’s level of “putting plastic up mah buuuuuutt,” referring to D’Andra’s K-Cup stunt in Beaver Creek:

“I would never forgive myself for that.” – This Bitch

… as if D’Andra shot ping pong balls out of her vagina at a christening. God I hate This Bitch.

LeeAnne tries to be all grand and wise and explains that when you have a “legacy name, like a Westcott or a Simmons, it’s different… you’re watched closer.”

Brandi rightfully shoots LeeAnne’s wisdom and pretension down in her interviews, noting that LeeAnne “has her name on police reports,” so what the hell would she understand about any of that nonsense?

And then This Bitch addresses D’Andra and asks her how she feels about being a fellow MEMBER OF THE GENTRY! and what it’s like “Being Under A Microscope” and having hot dogs with the Queen and copulating over your butler’s prostrate body and farting into a designated chiffon flatulence screen when you’re entertaining company in the sitting parlor and all that shit.

This Bitch daintily plinks popcorn into her mouth and nods sympathetically as D’Andra, soggy with alcohol, starts to cry about how hard being rich (and accountable?)(not really) is. And also does that whole Princess Jasmine Being-An-Heiress-And-Living-In-A-Palace-Is-Hella-Oppressive! thing in her interview, but I’m sort of OK with it, considering we were treated to another gem from the Simmons Family Album:

But since this is obviously LeeAnne and Brandi’s bone at this point, they both fight about it in front of This Bitch and D’Andra, LeeAnne insisting that pressure from your family is a real thing (how would she know she’s an orphan lol)(yes I’m going to hell), Brandi contesting that no matter what she should just Be Herself!

Brandi kind of wins this round though, because D’Andra is trying to break away from her mother and all her ridiculous precedents – not only for a story line but for D’Andra’s professional independence, and D’Andra admits as much in her interview. She even says to the camera that that confidence is what she sees in Brandi – what she aspires to – and that’s why a friendship with Brandi matters to her. In real time, she drunkenly warbles that “this is her yirr” and says some stuff about her dad dying and wanting her to be happy and bla bla bla. The delivery is sort of dulled by all the Fireball and bourbon and horse dander D’Andra’s consumed at this point, but nonetheless, she’s proven that she’s on Brandi’s side here.

LeeAnne is concerned that D’Andra is starting to “behave like Brandi,” despite her upbringing in la noblesse, worried that she’s going to start “spreading her ass cheeks and dropping a K-cup on everyone.” Welp! It’s better than whatever this is:

To really rub in her own victory, Brandi presents D’Andra with the necklace D’Andra wanted to buy Jeremy in Beaver Creek but didn’t (since she was already spending $4,700 on herself, literally):

LeeAnne is stoked:

… and decides to invite the only other “socialite,” This Bitch, away from the table to play a game of Pop-a-Shot. This Bitch interviews that she thinks Brandi is trying to “buy” D’Andra’s friendship. Which is rich, considering This Bitch BOUGHT a trip to Beaver Creek, a private jet, and a chef to buy the rest of the cast’s friendship.

Brandi and D’Andra have their own private conversation where D’Andra tells Brandi that LeeAnne told her not to be friends with Brandi, but in a way that’s like, sweet! and rebellious! and full of love! and constructive!

… and LeeAnne and This Bitch have their own conversation and worry about D’Andra surrounding herself with the Bad Influence! that is Brandi:

They’re worried that one day Brandi is just going to patter on over to the better side of the tracks and fully corrupt D’Andra with stolen sausage links and traipses through alley dumpsters, then completely ruin her forever when she knocks D’Andra up and they have a litter of half-breed D’Andra-Brandi mutant puppies that have to live at the Darlings’ house out of necessity.

At least they’ll be cute!

Finally, since everyone’s drunk but not fully comatose, everyone gets another round of tequila at the bar:

Which prompts LeeAnne to act like… Peak LeeAnne…

… but at least she’s not being violent or threatening or smashing wine glasses (thank god for plastic condom cups), and hey, all the patrons are totally endeared by this display:

Then LeeAnne possessively hangs all over D’Andra, not weird at all:

The next day, Stephanie zips on over to Brandi’s house to sit on the couch with Brandi and Brandi’s mom to drink red wine at 1pm and purr about her obscenely expensive trip to Italy. Travis went to the Ferrari factory and ordered a Ferrari. Fun!

(love how Travis dabs, so cool and hip)

Brandi tells Stephanie about the rodeo: mostly about LeeAnne’s lap dance and how she told D’Andra not to be friends with Brandi.

And Stephanie says nothing because as you remember, she and LeeAnne got drunk at D’Andra’s party and talked about suicide and now Stephanie is legally forbidden from talking shit about LeeAnne. The end.

Next week: Brandi’s having social workers to come and check up on her newest mutant puppy. Brooklyn, true asshole she is, plans to sabotage the whole thing:

… Hurray! Travis is going to be gone for a month, but Stephanie’s unsure that she’ll know how to put her clothes on without his signature, wise male toxicity around:

… and FINALLY, we get our first Bank Account Scandal! when Cary divulges to D’Andra that LeeAnne has been spreading rumors about D’Andra burning through money when she only has “$200 in her bank account”:

… D’Andra confronts LeeAnne about all of it and there’s a VISUAL METAPHOR because ART:

… but remember, Trashies, this is just but another tiny tumbleweed in a field of open Texan wonder. Just another pretty thing, smashed and forgotten and replaced. The Real Housewives of Dallas are a separate breed: they know how to get back up on that bronco, no matter how many times they’ll get bucked off again. Because these ladies are all about the ride, and that’s what makes them so perfect.

Saddle up and wrangle your cowboys, because we’re still far, far from the range.

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