TrashTalkTV

Hola, mi Trashies!!! I don’t speak Spanish, FYI, so it I have offended anyone, I apologize. Well, I fake apologize. I am sorry you are offended by my bad Spanish. Alas, MisRed is here… bringing you the comings and goings of the OC betches.

You know, that isn’t my sole function in life, I’m also obsessed with podcasts- of course I am a religious follower of Watch What Crappens with Ronnie and Ben, but currently obsessing on Dr. Death and Up and Vanished Season 2. Highly recommend both- Dr. Death is a little on the gruesome side, be forewarned.

Speaking of gruesome… let’s check back in on the OC, shall we? We left off with Kelly confronting Vicki’s boyfriend, Steve Chavez Lodge, Crooked Cop and Faux Latino, over him speaking to Page Six about Kelly and her ex-husband. Steve CCFL dodged Kelly’s barbs by running away to hide behind Vicki. So, Kelly, instead, got into a verbal altercation with The Turtle whom she called “dork,” ” loser,” “a little bitch” and a “twerp,” which was EVERYTHING and has kept MisRed going all week.

Oh, and we can’t forget “PUSSY!!”

This, in turn, led to a NEAR physical altercation between Emily, who stopped smelling poo for 3 minutes, so she could threaten to kill Kelly. Literally.

“I WILL KILL YOU!!”

So that’s where we left off.

Picking up at the party, Emily is being blocked from Kelly, physically, by Gina. Emily must have had kept some semblance of decorum in her mind because she, I’m pretty sure, could tear Gina to pieces, like Godzilla tears up Tokyo.

Do I hear $20 on Kelly? $20 on Kelly?

The fight is a little bit of a melee, Eddie is throwing down bets. Someone else is getting some cocks out for the follow-up bout, the bartender is just happy nobody smashed the Aldi wine.

I need a 2 foot perimeter around the Aldi!!

It’s a mess.

Emily tells Kelly she has no class. LOL. Which is true, but Kelly takes great offense.

Meanwhile, Tamra, conveniently absent from the fight, comes downstairs to ask Emily what happened? Emily is storming around ripping Tamra’s crown molding down, smashing the fine china , yelling “Don’t call my husband a bitch!!”

Even up here… I smell poo

Bahahahahahahaha.

Tamra interviews that she went upstairs for 5 minutes and all hell has broken loose. And because Tamra is such a sh*t stirrer, she absolutely LOVES it. She goes hobbling after Emily, pretending to try to calm her down, but she is really just trying to keep her fired up.

Outside, Kelly says to Shannon, “I didn’t know HE was HER husband. She’s the dude and he’s the bitch. Who knew???”

Emily sits down with Tamra and Vicki. Turtle paddles in shortly thereafter. Vicki explains, Kelly fights dirty. Yes, as opposed to sending other people to talk to the press like Vicki does. She interviews that she would NEVER say the things that come out of Kelly’s mouth. True. Well not to their face, at least.

Turtle says he doesn’t care and he doesn’t understand why Emily cares? He asks Emily if she actually values Kelly’s opinion?

Turtle has a point. It sounds like he’s probably been called a “little bitch” enough times that it just rolls off his shell.

Vicki tells the girls that she is “over it” and “it’s so two months ago.” Glad Vicki, who was NOT EVEN INVOLVED, is over it. Super. Thanks for playing. But what happened two months ago???

Jesus. Where did these women get all of these fugly red jump suits?

JOVANI!!!!

Whoops wrong show.

Tamra wants to go back outside to get the poop from Kelly’s side. Emily can probably guide you straight to the poop, just by smel. In fairness, it’s Tamra’s duty as pot-stirring garbage to get the maximum amount of info so she can, you know, run her mouth most effectively. Emily goes to follow her but Turtle orders her to sit down. She tells him that she can’t just not deal with the situation. He’s like- why not? “She’s irresponsible and just likes to drink and then she goes and gets mad at people.”

Ok, well, yes, but a) just because she is irresponsible doesn’t necessarily mean she likes to drink. I know many sober, yet highly irresponsible people. And b) just because she drinks doesn’t mean she’s irresponsible. I know an equal number of responsible drunks. And c) Yes, Kelly has the shortest fuse in the history of fuses, but she didn’t just walk up and breathe fire. I mean, she almost did, but Steve lit the match and then ran away. She should be calling him a “little bitch,” to be honest.

Turtle doesn’t really understand is, Emily is in this circle of women and she can’t just threaten to kill one of them and then not deal with that for the rest of her time on the show. Vicki does that crap all the time, but she’s the OG of the OC.

Emily interviews , when someone attacks her husband’s character, it’s her instinct to protect him and their marriage and to “take Kelly Dodd down.” Well, in fairness, Emily is built like a line-backer (I am not calling her fat or weight shaming, she is just a big woman. I mean, she could break Tamra over her knee and pick her teeth with Tamra’s bones.) But also, Kelly didn’t attack Turtle’s character- she just said he was a dork and a twerp and a little bitch. All of which, thus far, appears to be true. Not that what Kelly did was right…

She asks Turtle what he would do if someone said those things about her? He says, “I would take you out of the situation and leave.” Like a little bitch.

Outside, Kelly, omg, she is like “She said she was going to kill me.” Everyone is like kind of like, laughing about it. Kelly says, “She THREATENED ME. And then she said I don’t have any class. I’m classless. She’s crazy. She threatened to kill me and she’s a lawyer?? Dumb. I could sue her right now.”

I saw her, like, coming at me with a machete.

I mean, come on Kelly. Yes, she said she was going to kill you, but I wouldn’t say it’s a serious threat. It’s not like she is going to have you whacked or something. If Tony Soprano said he was going to kill you- okay, maybe you could worry then.

Kelly interviews, if she knew Turtle was Emily’s husband, she probably wouldn’t have called him a pussy.

PROBABLY wouldn’t have.

Elsewhere, Vicki, standing with Emily, tells Steve the CCFL that Turtle took the fall for him. Steve the CCFL questions why Kelly is messing with him??? Vicki says she doesn’t know.

Steve is so happy he started this mess. Look at his disgusting face.

Steve says HE knows… it’s because he is good friends with Kelly’s ex-husband, Psycho Mike. They both say what a GREAT guy Michael is and that their marriage just didn’t work out.

Vicki is such a great judge of character, isn’t she? “Charles Manson? Oh yeah, he was a great guy. Could get a little wacky sometimes, but overall, just a GREAT guy. Yah. Yah, great bunco player. Of course, if you beat him, he would have some of his peeps comes in and slaughter your entire family, just for fun, but yah, just a great guy. I’m gonna get him some new teeth though. And maybe pay to have that swastika lasered off his forehead, because, you know, it interferes with the botox.”

Wow. That’s a first. Charles Manson / Swastika humor. THIS IS HOW VICKI GUNVALSON TRIGGERS ME!!!!!

Emily says just because Kelly destroyed her own marriage doesn’t mean she should destroy Emily’s marriage.

The over-reaction of the people on this show is INCREDIBLE. It’s not like Kelly plotted and lured Turtle to a seedy motel with an underage-hooker, and some farm animals, recorded it and then called in TMZ and a police raid. She called Turtle a dork. I defy you to find me a marriage that was destroyed over a third party calling the husband a “dork.”

iloveyousomuch

Vicki says she’s “all about NO drama, everybody getting along, love love love, spreading rumors that Eddie is gay, life, okay we are happy.” Vicki has the verbal articulation skills of a f*cking Mad Lib. Then she tells Steve “iloveyousomuch.” But she says it in a way that is so disingenuous, it’s a little gross. She has done it, now, three times this season, at least. This Vicki / Steve relationship is a joke.

No. Just. No.

Vicki, btw, you should also end your relationship with dress cut-outs, your tailor and the color red. None of it is working for you.

She tells Steve she just wants to go home to her pajamas, some hot tea and Seinfeld. Steve is like “yeah right.”

Vicki, MisRed would bet her life, doesn’t UNDERSTAND Seinfeld. She knows she should like it because people Vicki strives to emulate like it, but Vicki is not smart. Not that it takes a genius to grasp Seinfeld, but Vicki is definitely NOT a Seinfeld Fan. Every episode Vicki yells at Kramer that he should GET A JOB!!! She needs something a LOT more obvious, like Everybody Loves Raymond or Full House. Not that there is anything wrong with these shows, but you know, they’re funny but don’t exactly require a high IQ to grasp. They don’t hold up like Seinfeld or Scrubs.

Vicki also has this annoying thing where she calls everyone “Princess.” Just shut-up, you are NOT cute.

Vicki leaves and Kelly are like “Good luck with your boyfriend.” Either Vicki doesn’t hear, or she lets it go, I’m inclined to believe she didn’t hear her.

After Vicki walks away, Kelly says to Tamra and Shannon, “Do you think that guy is hitting it and quitting it?” They are both like- Steve? Kelly tells them that a friend of hers told her that Steve said he’s just using Vicki for her money.

Tamra is shocked. SHOCKED!!! Frankly, I am too. Steve is even more pathetic than MisRed thought. He couldn’t swindle anymore better than Vicki? You can’t help with whom you fall in love, but you can help who you choose as a TARGET. And Steve picked Vicki. Hmmmm. Interesting.

You know, Pesos?

Then Kelly goes “Dinero…” Nice nod to Steve’s Faux Latino-ism. Kelly interviews that Steve is a bad guy and he’s hiding something. He’s hiding his hatred for Vicki decently.

The party ends and Tamra tells her kid she can eat whatever she wants. That’s nice of her.

Seemingly the next morning, we are BACK at Tamra’s. Girl- get rid of that Mackenzie-Childs kettle and bain-marie.

Get rid of that. Immediately.

That sh*t does NOT go with your kitchen. This is how we know Eddie is NOT gay!!! No decent homosexual would allow a felony like this to happen directly under his nose. Tamra has a bunch of packages of meat out on the counter. Knowing Tamra, it’s chicken and she’s cooking it in the blandest way imaginable. She’s probably poaching it. Without seasoning.

Anybody else seeing this?

Vicki arrives. What in the actual f*ck is Vicki wearing? Honey, no. Does Vicki own a mirror? Does she have functioning eyeballs? The thing is, MisRed LOVES the actual shirt, but it is grossly unflattering on Vicki. Mostly because Vicki is gross. But she doesn’t belong in a double breasted or wrap ANYTHING.

Vicki calls Tamra PRINCESS. Staaaaaap!!!!

Tamra mentions that Emily is coming over as well. She tells Vicki she missed all of the drama and she’s heard two different stories. Vicki says “I’ll tell you what happened. It’s VERY CLEAR what happened.” This should be good coming from someone who, uh, wasn’t there. She retrieves some papers from her feedbag purse. Oh, Vicki brought receipts. How thoughtful. Interesting they aren’t in a Trapper Keeper with color-coded tabs. She says she thought it was over, but Kelly is still harboring some weird feeling.

The feeling is, uh, betrayal. You might want to look it up, Vick as you seem to BETRAY pretty often.

Vicki says that Steve has favored Michael in the Kelly / Psycho Mike divorce. She says “Page Six contacted my friend. They wanted to know how she met Michael.” The friend TELLS Page Six the whole story and Page Six reached out to Steve.

Which is bullshit. They reached out to Vicki, who doesn’t want to risk talking about the show or storylinef for fear she will be fined by Bravo, so she had Steve talk to them instead.

I do not like them on a train, I do not like them on a plane
I would not like them here or there.
I would not like them anyway.

Vicki continues to read. “Actually, Vicki didn’t introduce them. I did. Michael wanted to meet her, and we had them over.”

For people keeping track, we have now heard the following versions: she (Vicki’s “Friend”) wanted to meet Michael, and now we heard he wanted to meet her, we’ve heard they RANDOMLY met at a BBQ. Who knows what is the truth? That’s the problem with Vicki, she is so accustomed to lying, she isn’t capable of being truthful even about something as insignificant as how two people met.

Vicki says, for some reason Kelly believes Steve said something to hurt her feelings. Vicki continues to read aloud from her “receipts” and says that Kelly is over-reacting.

Yes, probably. But Vicki should not have set someone up with Kelly’s ex without informing Kelly. That’s the first issue. The second issue is, Vicki is incapable of admitting any wrong doing even something like this, she is also incapable of doing the right thing- EVER. The third issue (or is this the fourth issue, I’ve lost count) is, Vicki lies about everything, so every topic gets convoluted and nobody knows what really IS true.

Vicki says this has NOTHING to do with Kelly.

But she continues reading “I asked Vicki not to say anything to Kelly because I didn’t think it was our business to tell her. Whether she takes offense to it or not, that’s just the way it is.”

So, this is, I think, the third version of the story. First it was BOTH Michael and the woman who didn’t want Vicki to tell Kelly, then it was just Michael, and now it’s Steve that doesn’t want Kelly told.

Do you smell that? Someone’s pants are on fire. And it ain’t just from her camel toe rubbing too hard.

Vicki says there was nothing derogatory toward Kelly in that statement, he just CLARIFIED it.

Vicki says that Kelly went on and said, “Steve Lodge is a douchebag with his pig of a girlfriend, and I’m 42.”

Well, I mean, Kelly makes a point. She was just clarifying too.

GRANTED… Kelly may have overreacted. MAY HAVE. But why is Steve talking to Page Six in the first place??? Here are two words that will ALWAYS keep you safe and out of trouble: No Comment. That’s the problem. These people are incapable of keeping their mouths shut. They would be terrible criminals.

Vicki galumphs to the door with all the grace of drunk walrus wearing a blindfold to let Emily in.

Yup, you guessed it, another “Hi, Princess.” SHUT UP.

Vicki continues the conversation as a way of roping Emily back into the fray, “Kelly thinks Steve is mad at her and now he doesn’t want anything to do with her.” Chalk up another lie… whoever is keeping score. I don’t think Kelly thinks or cares Steve is mad at her. She just thinks he’s a coward for running away from the conversation Kelly was attempting to start. He, inadvertently, used The Turtle as a diapsid shield.

Except Steve pussed-out before he could even get behind Turtle’s shell.

Emily says Shane doesn’t want to have anything to do with her. MisRed can see that. He’s probably afraid of her. She might flip him over.

Vicki asks if Turtle is upset? Emily says “He doesn’t have time for it. When I left, he was throwing one of the kids’ friends out of the house for being too loud.”

Emily says she regrets not handling the situation in a more reasonable manner. Tamra says that Kelly can push a button- she has experienced it.

FLASHBACK

Like in Ireland when Kelly said it was no wonder Tamra’s daughter doesn’t talk to her. And then Tamra threatened to kill Kelly.

See, Kelly should be used to it by now. People threaten to kill her, like, once a year MINIMUM.

Emily says that she doesn’t think Kelly will own the stuff she said. Tamra says that if Emily sits down with Kelly and talks to her, Kelly will own her stuff- and she will. We have seen it happen time and time again. Even when she called Shannon a “c*nt,” like 15 minutes later, she was like “You aren’t a c*nt. Of course, you aren’t, I didn’t mean that.”

Tamra says Kelly told her she wants to fix things with Steve. Vicki says “She doesn’t give a rat’s ass about Steve, and I guarantee she wants to see our relationship fold. Because she doesn’t want anyone happy.”

Well, I mean, we are all taking bets on WHEN it will fold. She’s just trying to make sure she wins. And I don’t think it’s true that Kelly doesn’t want anyone to be happy. I don’t think she has an issue with people being happy on her watch. Vicki is just projecting HER stuff onto other people. Remember when she, basically, drove Tamra to divorce Simon?

Now, does Kelly have some ANGER issues? Uh, yeah. FO SHO. Maybe she and Dorinda could get some kind of BOGO program.

Then Tamra does the thing that always gets her in trouble. She, instead of doing any one of the following:

Being a friend and tuning into Vicki’s relationship and evaluating if there is evidence Steve is, in fact, using Vicki for her money.
Taking Vicki aside and privately informing her of what Kelly said.
Not saying ANYTHING.

Tamra does what she does best- she BLURTS it out in the midst of a heated discussion- where Kelly isn’t present to defend herself or to confirm or deny- so now Vicki AND Emily can be mad at Kelly. Stir that shit Tammy Sue. That’s probably what Emily has been smelling.

Tamra says, “Kelly said Steve is only with you for the money.” Vicki says – Of course she said that!!

In Tamra’s interview she says she felt justified in telling Vicki what Kelly said, because the worst thing that can happen- and she ACTUALLY SAID THIS- is for a rumor to go from one person to the next, to the next to the next- she was taking it right to the actual person the rumor involves.

Yes, Tamra, you are such a saint. You are really trying to bring people together, aren’t you?

Back in Tamra’s kitchen, Emily says Vicki makes her own money. Yes. And every man that is with Vicki then spends the money. Then Vicki flies into a rage. Like, a “I don’t have sex with multiple partner’s” rage, a “You don’t ever talk about Brooks like that” rage, a “Why would you send a little family van” rage and says, “HE HAS MONEY!!!”

Don’t pop a vein, Vicki.

Then she does her usual “Shame on her” crap. As if ANYONE who doubts the, oh so obvious, LOVE between Vicki and Steve the CCFL is just crazy?!?!

Donald and Melania have more overt sexual chemistry.

Vicki says shame on Kelly for talking about Vicki’s relationship- and “it’s bullsh*t that everybody’s always after what I have.”

Oh Vicki… a hunchback? a loveless marriage? A neoprene face? A toothless hillbilly who fakes cancer? A little family van? A bouquet of roses you sent to yourself? An ill-fitting red dress? A daughter that despises you so much that she moved across the country to get away from you… TWICE? A relationship that is so obviously fake that everyone can see it but you? Trust me, with the exception of money, nobody wants what you have, Vicki.

Then Vicki says – And by the way, I don’t have that much money. Tamra is like “Brooks took it all.”

It’s Blind Date Night for Shannon!!! Shannon, still with a sprained ankle, wears 7-inch heels on this date! She’s nuts. They flashback to a few days prior when the matchmaker messaged Shannon and was setting her up with a guy named Tom. She shows the profile to Tamra and Tamra says, with distain, “He’s got a lot of cats.”

Shannon is like- WHAT?!!?

No cats allowed.

She pulls up to the restaurant and it appears to be the same driver who dropped her off at Eddie’s party. He’s like “This one again- with the bum foot and the f*ck me pumps?”

At least she isn’t yanking up her drawers in your face this week.

Shannon hobbles out of the car and into the restaurant. Alfredo escorts Shannon to the bar to meet her date, Tom the Cat Lady.

Hi, I love cats.

She apologizes for being late and says, “I think I sprained my ankle.” As if it happened on the way to the restaurant. Tom the Cat Lady is super impressed with Shannon’s ability to have a sprained ankle but still be wearing stilts. Yes, Yes, don’t worry, Shannon is a professional victim.

The offers her his arm to steady herself and they go to their table. Tom the Cat Lady compliments Shannon, telling her how beautiful she is- and she just accepts it. She interviews that she hasn’t received compliments like this in a very long time.

Yeah, that’s because your ex-husband is a disgusting, nasty, aggressive-chips-and-salsa-eating-thunder douche.

Just think. You could still be shackles to this waste of blood.

Surprisingly, on the way to the table, Shannon doesn’t apologize for being fat or anything. She is, almost, human. They sit by a gas fireplace and Shannon asks Alfredo to turn off the fireplace because it’s “very hot.” Tom the Cat Lady is so sweet, he agrees that it’s VERY hot and he was about to take off his jacket. Shannon is like… don’t go taking off your clothes just yet.

LOL. Okay, Okay, clearly someone coached her because she’s doing well.

A different Alfredo comes to the table and takes their drink order. Shannon orders her usual, Tito’s with soda and fresh lime juice. Alfredo looks at her and says “Okay” as if he knows something about Shannon that we don’t.

You think I’m a dick? Okay.

Almost like she NORMALLY orders six 40oz Colt 45s in a brown bag to be delivered to the ladies’ room, stall # 3. I don’t like this Alfredo.

Shannon and Tom the Cat Lady chat and he asks her about her kids and she speaks of them very proudly, mentioning that one of her daughters is a “super athlete.” You know she’s talking about Stella. Tom the Cat Lady says that she sounds like she’s very proud of them. Shannon says, “Oh believe me, they didn’t get it from me!”

Don’t do it. Don’t mention David. David! David? And your 40 to 50 negative thoughts per hour.

But she does well, she casually mentions that her ex-husband likes to exercise.

Then it’s Tom the Cat Lady starts his tale. He says he was married for 30 years, and he spent the first year after his divorce- crying at Sarah McLachlan infomercials for animals in crisis. Just “sitting alone in my house, WEEPING.” Then he admits the alcohol is getting to him…

The look on Shannon’s face is EVERYTHING.

I will remember you… as the Crying Cat Lady

She interviews “I’ve never really been with someone who cries… so…clearly Tom is sensitive.” Then he pulls out his wallet to show photos of his cats.

This is Toonces, and this is Azreal, and this is Morris, and this is Sylvester, and this is Grandpa, and this is Nermal, and this is Grumpy Cat, and this is The Countess Luann, and this is Smokey and this is BooBoo…

Just kidding he never mentions his cats.

The date is a little awkward. And Shannon is not a cat person and litter boxes skeeve her out. Ok, don’t murder Shannon, it’s okay to not like cats. Some people don’t like Cats. Some people don’t like dogs.

MisRed doesn’t like people. And birds.

Sometime later, Steve the CCFL takes Vicki to Harley Davidson to get her “all leathered up.” Not sure I want to see this.

No. No. Pull it down, we can still see her face.

“He buys” Vicki stuff to wear while riding his motorcycle.

Vicki looks like she should be washing clothes in a muddy river.

First golf clubs- a sport she doesn’t play, and now motorcycle garb. What a great gift-giver! He pays for it with a credit card he previously pinched from Vicki’s wallet.

Tamra is packing for Florida. Who cares?

At Emily’s law office- she’s a lawyer, you know, she takes time from her busy poop-smelling schedule to call Kelly and asks her to meet her for a talk. A few minutes later, Gina comes to Emily’s office.

Gina interviews she and her husband, Matt, have been struggling and they have decided to divorce.

Sitting with Emily, Gina confesses to Emily that she is getting divorced and she doesn’t really know how to tell people. Gina says that for the past 6 months, they haven’t been happy and have been fighting and they were forced to look at their relationship and evaluate what to do. Gina didn’t want to wait 5 or 10 years down the road and be going through what Shannon is going through. (Rut-Roh, Shannon will DEFINITELY bring this up at the reunion. “What’s so wrong with being like me, Miss 30 year old?”) Emily tells Gina she needs to do the best thing for she and her family.

Steve the CCFL takes Vicki to some “hole in the wall” Mexican restaurant, and it turns out to be a surprise party for Vicki.

These people are definitely from Central Casting.

SURPRISE!!!! None of Vicki’s friends were invited!!! Michael and his girlfriend, Danielle are there, but the only other guests are Steve’s family.

This is weird.

No Tamra. No Shannon. No Jesus Juggs. No Ricky. No Wretchen. Nada.

But Vicki acts SO surprised!!! He refers to Steve’s Mother, Helga, yes, yes, a FINE Latino name, as “Mom.”

Maaahhhhhaaaaaaaammmm!!!!

And she hugs Steve’s Aunt, Ursula- another very Latin name- from the old country, you know.

Vicki says it makes her feel SO important. Why? Steve called his family to eat dinner on Vicki’s dime? When someone else is paying? Hell, I’d be there too. Margaritas, and keep ‘em coming, Alfredo!

She says, “People are taking time out of their day, especially my son, to come up and celebrate with me.”

How much do you think Bravo paid him to be present?
That drink probably contains a roofie.

She tells Steve she feels popular. Oh Vicki. You are so pathetic. Steve’s Mom, in a THICK German (?) accent says, “You deserve it.” Clearly, she doesn’t know Vicki very well.

Next, Vicki’s brother Billy comes out carrying two shots of patron to surprise Vicki. She acts shocked.

Ew.

Vicki’s faces are so not cute. She thinks she is super cute and she just… isn’t. Well I’m glad that someone is there who actually likes Vicki.

Billy has Vicki’s Original Face

Vicki asks Steve if he knew Billy was coming? Steve just smiles. Then Vicki asks Michael if he knew Billy was coming? It turns out Michael is the one who arranged it. And by Michael, I mean “a PA at Bravo.”

Vicki leans over and says to Steve “Iloveyousomuch.” That’s nice. Steve didn’t do anything.

Vicki Steinmetz-Wolfsmith-Gunvalson-Ayers-Chavez-Lodge

Vicki says “I respect and love my family. My—my—I say “Chavez Lodge. Iloveyousomuch. I wanna be Vicki Chavez.” Oh Jesus. Here we go… Vicki FAKING Latino. Brooks 2.0. She will have a Spanish-to-English Dictionary organized in a Trapper Keeper with color-coded tabs.

Vicki wants to be Erica Kane. Or should I say Erica Kane Martin Brent Cudahay Chandler Montgomery Montgomery Chandler Marick Marick Montgomery. And only because her two marriages to Mike Roy weren’t legal.

Billy comes over and says Vicki didn’t do her shot- so Vicki picks it up, like it’s uranium, and like pretty princess has never done a shot before. She sips it. YES, SIPS IT. She Heather Dubrows it. Then dumps it out and makes the lizard face.

Vicki says she is finally at peace with Steve in her life. Gross. Vicki is someone who changes her personality to fit whoever is in her life. It’s actually quite sad. She says, “I don’t care about stuff. I care about the person.” Uh huh. Billy says- but you would not date a waiter at a restaurant… then Vicki claims “I would date a trash collector if that’s who I fell in love with.” Nice try Vicki. It’s all an act for the Chavez Lodge Family.

And Hey, Trash Collectors make good money!

Billy asks Steve what he thinks? He’s like, I think I’m about 3 digits away from having her full Swiss bank account details- that’s what I think. He says, “She thinks ‘I don’t need another man’s money, so I’m gonna fall in love with somebody I love, not because they have money.’ Unlike some other people we know.”

Vicki AGREES!!

To whom are they referring? Then Vicki’s interview pops up and she says she thinks Kelly is just trying to figure out a way to hurt her.

Kind of like how she was hurt when you set her ex-husband up on a date and didn’t inform her?

So now Vicki and Steve are saying Kelly was a gold digger when she married Psycho Mike, 13 years ago? Maybe. But it’s a little late to put that toothpaste back in the tube, they are married and divorced. I think what this speaks MORE to is the friend of Vicki’s that wanted to be set up with Psycho Mike. A) She knows he’s a psycho, his testing results were announced by Kelly on this show. B) He isn’t exactly Brad Pitt. C) He hasn’t come off as Prince Charming on the show. Did someone order psychological testing for this chick as well? Did this woman ask to be set up with Brooks too?

On WWHL, Vicki said “Kelly divorced a millionaire in hopes of landing a billionaire.”

Free Lice Dip With Every Combo Platter

Vicki thanks them all for coming and then tries to act cute wearing a lice infested sombrero from the restaurant.

One last surprise: Steve is using Vicki’s credit card to pay the dinner bill. ALLEGEDLY.

Vicki, straight from a Beetlejuice lookalike contest at a local strip mall, meets Shannon at DR. MOON’S office!!!!

Not so fast, round boy. We’re gonna have some laughs.

Now Vicki has a something wrong with her hoof. Of course she does.

They go into Dr. Moon’s office and Shannon asks if he remembers Vicki?

He’s like, how could I forget? I stuck my finger in her butthole and had to leave the practice of medicine for 3 years to recover from the trauma?

Looks like an average horse hoof to me.

Vicki asks him to look at her cankle. He tells her he will hang her upside down from the ceiling, beat her with a stick and that will take care of it. Yeah, I mean, she probably sleeps hanging upside down in closet. That is, if she can’t make it to her coffin before sun-up.

Too much going in. Too much going out.

Dr. Moon gets his paws on Shannon and informs her she has a “mouth problem.” She talks too much and eats too much. Bahahaha. Dr. Moon, evil genius, is brainwashing Shannon.

Shannon says Dr. Moon has, in the past, helped her with emotions that have become STUCK within her. Maybe take off a layer or two of the spanx. “Anger in the liver.” With the amount of vodka Shannon drinks, her liver has a right to be angry. That thing can’t get a break. “Resentment in gallbladder.” Resenting all of those tortilla chips David ate in front of her. “Sadness in the lungs.” Not sure what that’s about unless David had been holding a pillow over her face at night which is a distinct possibility.

Dr. Moon looks at Shannon’s ankle, he locates her pain in her ankle and says that he can treat its counterpoint in her wrist.

Vicki is in UTTER DISBELIEF that he would do something to her wrist to heal her ankle. Did Vicki take High School Biology? Clearly, Vicki doesn’t realize that inside the body… it’s all f*cking connected. She is so dumb. Although she’s had so much plastic surgery, the inside of her body looks like a bowl of ramen noodles.

Dr. Moon loves to f*ck with Shannon and torture her. It’s hysterical.

Vicki gets on the table and Dr. Moon tells her she has “sadness issues.” “You have anger in the past.” Vicki is like – yeah, I was lied to and stolen from. Oh Vicki. Gimme a break. “It gave you stress to your liver. That LODGE in your liver, it didn’t leave.” LOL Lodge!!!!! Dr. Moon needs to be a permanent fixture- I love this little guy. Shannon is laughing.

Flashback to Tamra and Vicki in the car, and Tamra saying that she saw Brooks got married and he looked old. Vicki said “Well he’s very very sick. With cancer.” Tamra laughs like an imbecile. Glad Vicki thinks it’s funny and something to joke about- faking cancer and lying to people. Pig.

Push harder!!

Dr. Moon pokes and prods Vicki and she hoots and hollers and Dr. Moon just laughs.

We go to Gina’s house. She calls her mom on FaceTime and breaks the news to her that she and her husband are divorcing. Not too much else to say about this scene. Gina is obviously, upset and she’s revealing the most in this scene because she’s talking to her mother.

Something in their relationship changed when they moved to California and now that they are living separately due to his job, they are realizing that their relationship isn’t working. Gina says, “It’s a death from 1,000 paper cuts.” Gina just isn’t sure if this is the best thing for her family and she worries she may regret it. It’s very sad. MisRed can be brutal, and she can make fun of a lot, but MisRed can’t find a lot to joke about in this scene.

Emily arrives at the Madison Square & Garden Café. She forgot her pants at home.

Turtle probably threw them out for looking at him the wrong way.

She is meeting Kelly for their sit down.

Emily interviews she is willing to meet with Kelly and to apologize for her part in the blow out. We flashback to the previous day when Emily, meeting with her therapist, informed the therapist that she told Kelly she was going to kill her. She claims she’s never said that to anyone before.

She orders a cappuccino from Alfredo and waits for Kelly. Kelly is late because she had to scoop up one of Tom’s cats to wear around her neck.

Rest in Peace, Grumpy Cat

Emily says Kelly said things that were out of line, Emily reacted with things that were out of line and Emily thinks Turtle was caught in the middle. Kelly asks to explain her side. She says she felt Turtle was sticking up for Steve and she didn’t like it. And when Turtle accused her of being drunk, she saw RED. It was probably all of those stupid jumpsuits!!

Emily says she understands Turtle said something to upset her or to make Kelly mad, but Emily doesn’t appreciate the name-calling- this is what set her off. She continues, Kelly had every right to say something- I disagree with you- I don’t like what you are saying, but the name calling is what set Emily off. Kelly says she probably wouldn’t have reacted that way if she knew the Turtle was Emily’s husband.

Emily says, in fairness, you probably shouldn’t say those things to anyone. Kelly is like- yeah and you shouldn’t tell people that you will kill them. Emily is like- Touche. Emily says she as wrong to threaten Kelly’s life and they both apologize to one another.

That’s the thing about Kelly. She has very clear hindsight. A lot of people will, alter their story in hindsight, to show them in a better light. Kelly doesn’t do that. She’s like The Hulk or something.

Shannon, Tamra, Gina and Emily meet for dinner. Tamra has just returned from Florida. Good. We didn’t actually care she went. The girls want to know what is going on with Shannon’s matchmaker? Shannon says she went on a date and it was fine, but the matchmaker has more people for her to meet.

Besides, Tom.Tom!Tom? doesn’t have the same ring as David.David!David?

I’m going to tell a 25 minute story before I get down to brass tacks.

Gina chimes in saying what she finds interesting about Shannon’s “story” is her date was married for 30 years and then one day he and his wife realized they weren’t meant for each other. She uses this to segue into letting them know she is getting divorced. She says the “space”- meaning the fact that he works and lives separately- made them realize their marriage wasn’t working. Tamra asks why Matt doesn’t move home? Gina replies that he has to have a job. Tamra says nobody ever got divorced over a job!! Gina tries to explain it’s more than that- they got married really young and they are great friends, but they just aren’t in love. She still thinks he’s totally hot… the other women are confused. Emily says she doesn’t want Gina to regret this later. Gina thinks she is making a good decision before it turns into a bad situation.

Shannon tells Gina she likes her optimism- she had it too and had planned to do everything as fairly and as amicably as possible, but when it comes down to how everything is going to be split… Gina interrupts and says she KNOWS that won’t happen in her situation. She says, “Matt is my best friend, and we will be best friends for the rest of our lives.”

I judge thee, Gina.

Shannon whips out the judgy eyes … Shannon interviews that she is going through a divorce she did not want. And given that Gina has three young kids it would be nice if Gina worked a little harder to keep her family together.

Divorce is an individualized situation. There is no cookie cutter marriage and there is no cookie cutter divorce. Nobody knows what goes on in a marriage except the people IN the marriage, so it’s unfair for Shannon to judge. Frankly, Shannon probably should never have married David.

Tamra tells Gina they are all there for her and she doesn’t want Gina to think they are judging her in any way. Gina says she truly appreciates their wisdom. She interviews all of these women have been through divorces and break-ups and maybe her telling them about her situation is her looking for validation that what she is doing is okay?

Well, Gina needs to KNOW what she is going is ok. She can’t kind of think it might be the right thing to do.

Shannon says she saw Vicki over the weekend and Vicki is VERY upset about Gina’s situation. Uh, why is Vicki upset? She’s known Gina for, roughly, 11 seconds.

Gina says she appreciates Vicki’s concern, but Vicki’s relationship sh*t the bed so now she can have regret about it and Gina understands that, but Gina doesn’t think Vicki should have that regret. She means that- relationships end and it shouldn’t necessarily be something one regrets.

Tamra says that (in her relationship with Brooks) was the last time Vicki was truly happy. When she was with a lying, cheating swindler. Again, Vicki is such a great judge of character.

Gina says Vicki is happy now…with Steve. Tamra is like… she doesn’t love that guy. Shannon just giggles.

Tee heee, Vicki sucks.

Tamra says when she was talking to the Matchmaker about Shannon, Vicki told the Matchmaker she wanted to talk to her for herself.

Shannon tells them they went to Dr. Moon, and not only did Dr. Moon poke Vicki’s butthole, he did some muscle testing for emotion and found she has a lot of anger. Anger specifically toward Brooks.

Eh, that’s crap. I think if Brooks wanted her back tomorrow she would drop Steve and the Chavez Lodge contingent and even her own family and go right back to that toothless, lying, cancer-faking hillbilly with his cheesy bullsh*t daily affirmations.

Tamra says she warned Vicki repeatedly about Brooks and instead of thinking Tamra had her best interest at heart (Shannon too), Vicki, instead, attacked Tamra’s marriage and family. Shannon’s too, to some degree.

Gina says Vicki is so sweet to her and she feels Vicki’s maternal side- she “just hasn’t been burnt by the other side, yet.” Shannon says it’s not a fun side to be on. Tamra says when someone who is in a bad relationship comes and attacks your relationship, it sucks.

Tamra says she missed the whole Kelly and Turtle drama. Why is she bringing this up again? Emily says she met with Kelly and it was good and they apologized. Shannon says Kelly does tend to go for the jugular, so she was telling Kelly that evening that she didn’t need to go about speaking to Steve in a confrontational manner. She says Kelly was practicing ways she could have a conversation with Steve that was mature but could still relay her feelings.

Gina says she can understand Shannon and Kelly rehearsed the convo, but Shannon KNOWS Kelly and she knows how Kelly is and sending her into a situation when other people or turtles present wasn’t the best idea. And if Kelly had been Gina’s friend, she would have advised her to NOT have that conversation that night.

Oh sh*t. Shannon has been second-guessed. Shannon doesn’t like to be second-guessed.

You won’t like me when I’m angry.

Maybe Shannon is The Hulk.

Shannon says she knows Kelly better than Gina does. Gina is like- Well I broke up a fight, so was it a great outcome? Shannon says, “She relayed her feelings and that’s a positive step.”

Ok, Dr. Joyce Brothers… she also called the Turtle a dork, a twerp, a little bitch and a pussy. Oh, and a loser.

For sure. A top night.

Gina says, “I guess you are right, it was a positive night.” Lol. Shannon says Gina is being very sarcastic. Gina is like- YEAH- IT WAS INSANE!!!

Shannon says, “Maybe you shouldn’t judge, Gina.” Hahahahaaha.

J U D G E E. EYES

Oh Shannon, you are the pot calling the kettle black. Speaking of pots, Gina tells Shannon is she is going to stir the pot, she should, at least own it.

IT’S NOT MY F*CKING POT!!!!

Shannon refuses to admit she is stirring the pot and Gina should really be looking at Emily who threatened to KILL someone… but Shannon is the one being blamed? Tamra sticks up for Shannon, but Gina says she feels bad for Kelly because everyone knows Kelly is a hot head. Yes, let’s feel sorry for Kelly. That makes perfect sense.

Gina isn’t judging she’s just having a difference of opinion.

Next week… there is drama between Kelly / Tamra and Vicki with regard to Steve.

It appears that Kelly and The Turtle have a sit down.

The Face of a Peacemaker

Not sure if it’s in his tank or elsewhere. But Turtle, as always, looks super friendly. Vicki has some event and flirt with the Chef or someone in a cheesy fedora. Who cares? Vicki is a garbage person.

Then we get this flash of Vicki saying “You went in front of God and said, “I will marry you, Till death do us part.” Gina saying – I don’t even believe in God. Vicki continuing “You don’t have a moral compass inside your soul?”

So can we assume Vicki gets struck my lightening next week for being the most disgusting hypocrite known to man?

MisRed will save her FULL tirade for next week but know Vicki is TRASH. She is the type of person that CLAIMS to be a “good Christian” but doesn’t have the f*cking receipts to back it up. Multiple divorces, infidelity, immoral behavior, this bitch breaks almost every commandment out there (and some that Moses f*cking dropped and broke on his way up the mount) and she is going to JUDGE anything ANYONE does??

Nope. Not today.

Jesus. God and Baby Jesus. These women are cray. What kind of surprise party was that? Is Matt going to get half of the Home Good Clearance in that house? Are we never going to find out HOW many cats Tom the Cat Lady has? Imagine Archie in a house of cats?

Speaking of Archie, I apologize this recap was late. The oldest member of my support staff, Javelin (age 14+) had to have surgery yesterday and MrRed is out of town. So, I had a lot more “nurse duty” than I expected. Although, I’m beginning to think all of this was a ploy to get cold cuts because he is REFUSING regular dog food, but gobbling down ham and turkey like it’s his full-time job.

He reminds me of that AWFUL guest from Below Deck Med- Areca (T)watmore. Plus he’s already wearing his life preserver. Safety first.

What is this slop?

Thank you guys for all of your support and your AMAZING COMMENTS. xoxox

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We open, once more, at Brandi’s International House of Pancakes and Panic, where she is yet again running around in a kitchen fire (or maybe that’s just everyone’s hair), clutching a baby to her breast and trying to get her shit-talking little gremlins to shift back into their human forms long enough to welcome some case workers over. Please be nice to them, Brandi pleads, I really like this new cat or whatever we brought home and I want to keep it forever and ever!

Nrrrrrno! they garble in response, eating wooden spoons, you will not keep the bogeybaby! We’re going to tell them you put bugs in our pillows and play porn in the car and feed us dead snakes off the side of the road! Nyar har har!

When the case workers arrive at the door, Brooklyn yanks it open, turns on her heel, and promptly walks away from them without saying a word, demonstrating what great manners her mother is imparting on her.

We’re then treated to a flashback of another time when Brooklyn was super helpful to the case workers, telling them “mommy’s favorite drink is wine.”

At least they’re honest, right? Hahahaha GULP
– Brandi

The case workers want Brooklyn and Brinkley to be as un-hellish as possible, so they present them with new, shiny, unboxed pink toys, but it doesn’t matter. They’re perfectly happy sitting at the table, doing their nails, exposing their new baby brother to all those noxious formaldehyde fumes. Brandi is totally cool with this, too.

Anyway, nothing really happens here except Brandi talking about her absent-father of a husband and gushing about how they take the baby on walks and “read him two to three books a day.” Brooklyn:

As a side note, Bruin really is a gorgeous baby.

I’m hoping that not sharing his sisters’ DNA means that he won’t grow up with the same strain of ADHMean, but we’ll see.

Speaking of good mommies, This Bitch is on her way to Orlando and kissing her kids good bye:

LEAVE ALREADY, MOM

She’s all nervous because she has to get on a big plane and go to very serious adult giant meeting where people do very grown-up things like sell pooper scoopers and kitty litter and CBD oil for dogs… ALL BY (NNNGULP) HERSELF. Gee golly, I hope the men in fancy suits like my super cute pink kibble, she says! Wouldn’t it be funny if they were dogs? Hahaha, so silly! Court, on FaceTime, reins her back in:

“That’s trow!” This Bitch responds, meaning to say “that’s true,” because she talks bad. Then she verbally runs down HOW TO TAKE A PLANE BY YOURSELF, since she’s slumming it and going commercial, alone, and has never done that before. I’m not even joking here: she has to ask Court whether she picks up her luggage or the rental car first. Jesus Christ, she’s almost as bad as “Queen of Versailles” Jackie Siegel:

For the record, I don’t think This Bitch is as dumb as Jackie Siegel, but I do imagine that she’d fail miserably with a rental car. She’d probably hate that mid-sized, used Chevy Malibu they gave her after 30 minutes, leave it on the side of Interstate 4, and then search for an Uber XL (only if it’s a Hummer though).

LeeAnne and D’Andra meet for some casual coffee and polite tearing-of-one-another apart. Yay!

LeeAnne, newly zenned out and peaceful, tells D’Andra about her idea for a “Smashing Good Time” party, where all the ladies will go to the Anger Room and literally break shit for fun.

See, I’m not a maniac after all! [laughs maniacally]

“Well, what are we going to smash?” D’Andra asks.

How about this terrible outfit, you look like the lady on the cover of a fondue kit package from 1974

D’Andra shrewdly points out that LeeAnne is supposed to be all about “meditation” this season, but LeeAnne counters that the meditation helps her focus; breaking shit will help her (and the girls) “let things go.” She interviews that she thinks the fact that everyone’s being nice to each other is bullshit or whatever, and she wants them to get real, or something.

Guys, I don’t even need to spell this one out. It’s as transparent as the wine glasses LeeAnne likes to shatter: she is bored with being nice and she wants to get back to behaving like a mental person, because let’s face it, that’s more fun for all of us. She wants to get back to THIS:

… and the Anger Room gives her that opportunity without waiting 3-4 episodes for an actual fight to develop.

Good, glad we’re all on the same page.

Speaking of issues, LeeAnne asks D’Andra about her new business and her mom. D’Andra explains that starting her new company (the terribly named “Hard Night Good Morning”) will be from Ground Zero. She has a billion things to do like look at balance sheets and take inventory and order The Jars (The Jars!) and she won’t even have a car. Worst of all, she’ll have to give up a life style she’s grown accustomed to since freakin’ birth.

LeeAnne gawks at her in a super unkind, mocking sort of way, and flatly tells D’Andra that she’s lazy: “You like your princess lifestyle, and it’s ya own damn fault. Period, tha end.”

LeeAnne is fully aware that her “tough love” approach isn’t meant with any true intention or generosity, interviewing that she’s only being brutally honest with D’Andra to get back at her for tearing LeeAnne a new one in Beaver Creek over the whole Rich/engagement thing. Which… isn’t totally unfair. I mean, it’s petty, but it’s not unfair.

D’Andra gets super pissy in her interviews, pointing to the fact that while LeeAnne’s bills are paid by Rich, D’Andra’s bills are all paid by D’Andra (and all that family money D’Andra was born with, but tomato/tomahtoe). She gets all chihuahua yappy at the coffee shop and barks at LeeAnne that she HAS A PLAN and HER EYE ON THE PRIZE, so yay, go D’Andra.

nothing can stop me i’m all the way up

Later, LeeAnne has a meeting with her wedding planner (more on him in a second) at a fancy hotel, and I just want to pause for a second to contemplate this… outfit?

Hm. Hmmmmmmm.

OK, contemplation over. Let’s talk about what is far and away the greatest thing Real Housewives of Dallas has ever given us, Steve Kemble:

Steve Kemble is more than a man; he’s a moment. He’s a shooting, fiery star blazing across an otherwise black, boring, hetero sky. He is a novelty pink daisy broach, shooting up through the somber loam and out from a stubborn tangle of weed and thorn. He’s like Kevin Lee if Kevin Lee were adopted by Liberace and forced to get plastic surgery to look more like Liberace and then Liberace told him to stop saying “chi chi chi!” all the time.

I fucking love him. Oh, and he’s also The Jacket guy:

And I don’t mean to make this a Steve Kemble appreciation post or anything but I’d like to share some screenshots from my cursory Google search of him:

I say this with the utmost of praise and admiration in my body: Steve Kemble probably has the gayest online presence of any person, living or dead. Perusing through his defunct blog and social media channels made me want to renovate a house in Palm Springs and host an orgy in it to celebrate. I am LIVING FOR IT.

Anyway, Rich shows up and is like, “I’m here, give me my Purple Heart or whatever,” and grumbles and mumbles as they go through an agenda and talk about a guest list. LeeAnne says she wants 500-1000(!) people at the ceremony and Rich protests that he doesn’t like that many people. But getting an answer or a preference out of him about anything else is like squeezing blood from a turnip. (my mom’s phrase, I give it to you free of charge.)

They “agree” on a November date, meaning LeeAnne said “November” and Rich said nothing in response. The only time his face truly lit up was when Steve said he’d plan the bachelor party and would invite Stormy Daniels. Rich thought he was serious.

CAN WE GET HER FOR SHARK WEEK

D’Andra drives over to Cary’s house at 10am because that’s WINE DRINKIN TIME.

Just kidding, it’s sweet tea or apple juice or something, but upon first viewing (when I was drinking[drunk] on wine) my mind played tricks on me.

The fact that Cary’s living in her parent’s house opens a discussion about D’Andra and her mom. D’Andra explains, in her interview and with Cary, that she lives off of her stepfather’s estate (of which Dee, conveniently, is the executor – fun!), and she can’t live comfortably and build a business on that money alone. As a result, she knows that she needs to pare down and live more simply, and kind of nauseatingly, she’s worried that means she’ll lose some friends this year. I mean, that’s all sort of disgusting in a way, but it bears mentioning that D’Andra literally knows nothing except having dinner with the First Class population aboard the Titanic and she’s sort of rich-stupid at this point in her life, so her weeping about all of this seems pretty genuine.

She admits that starting over professionally and gaining independence at the age of 50 is “humiliating,” and I actually find her candor here incredibly brave and genuine. It’s sad and heartbreaking and despite the fact that D’Andra’s the richest flounderer in the world, I feel for her. Working with your family is hard, and unless you’re fully developed emotionally, completely confident in your own identity, comfort can set in, and as a result your growth and maturity may get stunted. D’Andra’s probably realizing that she’s coasted through the same years that her friends were putting their nose to the grind stone*, which is demoralizing. Breaking away from a family business is scary and disorienting and I’ll defend D’Andra to the death on this issue, despite the fact that her tears are 600% more expensive than mine.
* not to say that D’Andra wasn’t working hard – I think she carried Dee’s business into the 21st century – but she wasn’t learning professional independence when others her age were.

Another person D’Andra has in her corner is Cary, who – helpfully! – reveals to her that LeeAnne said that D’Andra “spends a lot of money” and “has $200 in her bank account.”

“… because I’m SUCH a good friend.”

D’Andra laughs like a crazy person and then breathes really heavy.

Her face seems to fight a war with itself over looking amused at this rumor and terrified that she knows she a) said it out loud and b) knows it’s true. She backpedals like a politician, explaining that she spent more money than she was comfortable with in Beaver Creek and stupidly said so to LeeAnne when she was drunk on tequila, adding the “$200 in my bank account” part. Then she does more of the rabid excuse thing she pulled with LeeAnne at coffee, explaining that she has FIVE bank accounts and if she didn’t want to throw money away on a shopping spree it’s because she was SHOVELING MONEY into ANOTHER ACCOUNT to SAVE FOR A RAINY DAY, DUH. She also adds that money is a personal issue that LeeAnne shouldn’t have blabbed about, and Cary agrees, saying that she only told her what LeeAnne said out of “concern.”

Listen, I like Cary’s policy of full transparency this season – it’s the shit stirring that currently gives this show momentum – but this was a bad move. She interviews that being honest with Cary “saved her from getting bitten in the ass later,” but I totally disagree.

Let’s zip on over to the epicenter of some sort of obscure industry that is Hollman Inc., where Stephanie’s troglodyte of a husband Travis is enjoying his name on the door and his board meeting of nothing but smokin hot babes!

Travis is casually discussing, like he would at any meeting where cameras aren’t present, the “college initiative” his super ambiguous company has set up for employees at the mysterious “plant.” It’s FREE TUITION for ANYONE WHO WANTS TO LEARN ENGLISH or GET THEIR GED at LAKE SOMETHING COLLEGE ACROSS THE STREET. Wow, how altruistic! I can’t believe we caught you on the day you were having this All-Female Download on the Free College For Mexican People Company Program Meeting. You and your plate of Costco cookies are definitely giving back.

Stephanie, not an employee but definitely First Lady of the company, chimes in helpfully (and quickly, with her hands over her mouth, speaking in this like super like stumbly like Becky or wutever like voice like): “Noooo, I like that. Like, as a mom I think that’s the most important thing I think you want what’s best for your chelldrun.” Hey, great contribution Steph! Here’s a raise. Go make me a sandwich.

Some Bla Bla in Marketing proposes adding a dyslexia rider to the program since Stephanie and Travis’ son has dyslexia, and Stephanie cries.

Travis makes fun of her at the table for crying, and then probably fires her because Crying In The Workplace.

Back in Travis’ office, we learn that Travis is going to be gone for a month to attend some Man Class at Harvard that will give him a certificate in being a Mannier Man! Yay for Travis and Not Stephanie! A rare victory for white, moneyed men every where. Stephanie tepidly asks when and how she should arrange for him to see the kids in that time and he just winces and says, “let’s play it by ear,” which sounds to me like let me find time in my busy trapper keeper of praying on U-Mass girls.

And blurgh, Stephanie expresses that she’s nervous about Travis leaving because he keeps shit together, and I can’t make fun of that, because Stephanie is clearly a shaky leaf clinging to a tree of anxiety and depression, and Travis is the toxic male giving it life, but god is it sad. He whines at her “to be a leader,” and when she asks for past examples of her leadership, he comes up empty. And then they joke about Stephanie burning the house down and that’s the end of the scene. Hurray for everyone!

On the day of the Smashie Slammie Breakie party, Cary shows up to the Anger Room to meet LeeAnne, who still feels like TOTALLY IN CONTROL AND SANE about this whole thing:

I’d like to think that because of the task she had “Achy Breaky Heart” stuck in her head, but maybe I’m giving her too much credit.

What’s promising about all of this, by the way, is the fully stocked bar:

Hey! Welcome to the room where you’re legally allowed to break shit. Have two bottles of prosecco and go wild.

Can you imagine the legal team that had to write and maintain Bravo’s indemnity clauses? I’d kill myself. And then my family would get lots of money.

Brandi interviews a joke about LeeAnne using her “just hands” to break things…

… as she and D’Andra ride to the Anger Room together and D’Andra tells her about the whole Beaver Creek shopping spree/$200-in-my-bank-account rumor. BUT IT’S BECAUSE SHE WASN’T USING HER SHOPPING ACCOUNT! Kill me if I ever have a shopping account and then give the indemnity settlement to my family. Again.

Brandi recollects that LeeAnne prays on people’s weaknesses.

This Bitch shows up and plasters her first initial over her privates and waves around another fucking Disney Princess wand (they are only in the scenes with Kameron; I am convinced she is the source) as she talks about how ameeeeeeeezing Orlando was.

An adorable, foxy little number named Donna comes out to give them the lay of the land:

Her chill is contagious, and is probably testament to the Anger Room’s efficacy. She says “All yall have alcohol in yall’s hands so I know yall ready.” How do I get 30 minutes with her where she and I have alcohol in all my all’s hands? I have some men I’d like to tell her about. Everyone suits up and grabs deadly weapons and Donna explains that even if the girls aren’t “angry,” once they break their first item the flood gates will open.

LeeAnne then takes the floor to proclaim her bullshit prophecy of “real feelings and real hurt and real pain” coming out.

Oops.

D’Andra, of course, takes this moment to call LeeAnne on her money scandal rumor mongoring, angrier than we’ve ever seen her, and LeeAnne’s face gets stuck like this:

This Bitch, trying to help, idiotically interviews, “who in their right mind would believe this rumor, I mean is that in her Starbucks account?”

LOL please jump off a cliff.

D’Andra angrily and desperately rants about her reasoning for being anxious about money and spits about her anger as LeeAnne casually nods and accepts guilt, as Cary explains that she was bridge behind all of the consternation, as LeeAnne grumbles that Cary “threw LeeAnne under the bus,” and phew, recap wise, that makes this job SO much easier and I couldn’t thank the Dallas women more for their day drunk candor.

As LeeAnne cavalierly apologizes, eventually D’Andra breaks down and admits that she’s more embarrassed by her situation than mad at anyone in particular, and fine, great, this is all exhausting and sad.

Hoo boy

Everyone helpfully admits that they had never heard about D’Andra’s woes, trying to appeal to her worry that she’s socially ruined. Meanwhile, LeeAnne confesses that she thought due to her and Cary’s cease fire, she thought sharing D’Andra’s financial stress was helpful rather than deconstructive. Now I’m drunk. This show has gotten too functional and positive for me to recap. Hurray.

Brandi admits she grew up in a trailer. STOP BEING SO HONEST AND NICE TO EACH OTHER, GUYS.

I like how This Bitch is the only one who can’t relate

LeeAnne informs Cary that she’s mildly (not enough) pissed at her for telling D’Andra about the $200 thing and nothing happens because these idiots are just as drunk as I am this far in the recap, and fuck it, we breaking shit.

And then they break shit!

LeeAnne invites them all to write things they want to smash on a plate and then smash them, because help and wisdom. Here’s what everyone put! (they kind of misunderstood the assignment):

D’Andra: “I’m good enough just the way I am.”

By the way, she easily and predictably forgives LeeAnne:

Cary: “No more fear”

Stephanie: “I feel like I have to be perfect to be loved.” (assignment done right!)

This Bitch: “I wanna live the simple life.”um… okay.

LeeAnne: “In honor of the FAMOUS GLASS THROW, shall I take the dangerous?”

Brandi: “Give in to control over my personal life and let it go.”

Everyone agrees, as supportive as they can, that they’ve noticed Brandi struggle with the new baby as she chucks the plate against the wall.

As Stephanie leaves, she encourages Brandi to bring up the “bad influence/don’t be friends with her” shit that LeeAnne planted in D’Andra’s brain earlier.

… which Brandi does, after she straps her helmet and goggles back on:

LeeAnne again is like, whatever, fine! as D’Andra corroborates…

… while THIS BITCH jumps in to confirm that she’s the source of all that sentiment, worrying that Brandi’s a “bad influence” on D’Andra and insisting that D’Andra never would have pulled off the K-Cup butt stunt if it weren’t for Brandi.

Brandi chuffs and decides to leave because honestly, fuck this nonsense. This Bitch tries to excuse it away because—- ugh. It’s so dumb. It’s so dumb that Cary declares it’s dumb and Brandi thinks it’s dumb and D’Andra screams that it’s dumb and I, the recapper (drunk recapper) declare that it’s dumb. Can we just leave this shitty empty room of broken metaphors and move on?

Awesome, thanks.

And that’s where the episode ends, in a pile of broken glass and a group of women too irritated to rationalize what just happened. Stupefied, tired, emotionally numb, pleased by nothing but the explosion of dust and glass and meaningless nothings bursting back into the concrete. LeeAnne told them this would be cathartic, that it would be good, but all it leads to is more shattered things, more confusion, more mess. More horny anger, answered by a mediocre release and followed with a hollow nothingness. A space to fill. An empty void, all the worse because it was made by you and not the universe. Rage is such a fickle beast: so easily sated, so monstrously unfulfilling. Because at the end of a terrible loss, all we’re left with is ourselves, and all we have are the tiny fragments to pick up and make sense of. Why complicate matters beyond that? Why make gluing the pieces back together so much harder? Why bring in the wrecking ball?

Maybe, just maybe, because it feels so fucking good to ride.

Next week: There’s a bunch of naked men and togas and A BABY KANGAROO.

Welcome. Welcome back to the land that time forgot. Or is it the land that we want to forget about at this time. It’s early- let’s circle back to this.

Let’s see… where were we? Kelly confronted Steve the Cooked Cop and Faux Latino regarding him speaking to Page Six about she and Michael. We see another side to Steve CCFL, he’s not just a boring loser who defrosts chicken and is sponging off Vicki. He’s a gossiping, cowardly, boring loser who defrost chicken and is sponging off Vicki.

YOU ARE!!!

Emily threatened to kill Kelly because she called The Turtle a string of names including, but not limited to, dork, pussy and loser. Gina called Shannon out for stirring the pot, and Shannon no likey. Shannon strapped on her judgy eyes and told Gina not to judge Kelly, yet had no problem judging Gina’s decision to get a divorce. Kelly told Tamra that Steve CCFL is only with Vicki for her money. Tamra, in turn- under the guise of being a good friend and not feeding the rumor mill, but we know better- told Vicki what Kelly said, and Vicki flipped her nylon wig. Gina is getting divorced and nobody understands why- they aren’t fighting, they love each other and they are still having sex. Steve CCFL “threw” Vicki a surprise party and only invited his family.

MisRed thinks that catches us up… Oh, and for those asking about my dog- he’s going great. Pig has taken to only eating cold cuts, but that ends today. Seriously, for a 14-1/2-year-old dog, he is recovering amazingly well. And after that vet bill, he owes us, at least, another year.

Tamra arrives at the doctor with Kelly in tow. Why do these betches feel they have to take someone to the doctor with them? MisRed has NEVER- not even once- been tempted to bring a friend to a doctor’s appointment. Tamra is wearing a shirt that reads “Broken Bone Story $10.00. Always trying to make a buck.

Tamra is over her broken foot, she just wants to be out of the walking boot. She informs us once the boot is off and Eddie is off all of his heart medication, they are going to be “banging like monkeys. Do monkeys bang?”

Ew.
Monkeys, surely bang, but mainly the practice “self-gratification” or at least the ones I see at the zoo do.
Rabbits bang.
Ew

While they are in the waiting room, they rehash the fight at the “Red” Party. Kelly says she doesn’t like it when the men get involved in their fights. We learn, from Kelly, Steve CCFL dumped Vicki the previous summer.

At least the other little bitch just lives across the street from his Mommy.

Vicki didn’t tell anybody, and they got back together, but while they were apart, Steve moved in with his Mother.

So sad. And I’m just looking at Vicki’s outfit.

Kelly went to Cabo with Vicki, who was hysterical, and consoled her “like a good friend.” Kelly says, “How she got him back, I have no idea.”

The balance in his checking account got too low so he needed an infusion. Vicki needs her “love tank” filled and Steve needs his bank account filled. Steve slips Vicki the HBI (Hot Beef Injection) and Vicki slips Steve some hundreds. It’s a give and take.

Tamra says she thought Steve had a house, why would he move in with his mom? Kelly says he sold his house, so he doesn’t have it anymore. But who knows what the truth is? Kelly says in her talking head, Vicki has a pattern. She dates the same kind of slimy dudes, they move into her house – “Her house is like a revolving door of men.”

I’m working on installing my own revolving door.

So, it matches Sonja’s vagina. Does Vicki need an EZ Pass because she and Sonja could probably work out a deal- a BOGO or something.

Tamra goes into the Doctor. It’s a throw-away scene except Kelly thinks she might want Tamra’s doctor to “sit on her bench.” She says he’s young and cute. He’s a little “chin-y” and Abraham Lincoln-y for my taste.

Dr. Chin. Hmmm. He doesn’t look Asian.

Gina and Emily meet at a farm to go strawberry picking. This is MisRed’s idea of hell. Just go buy them at HEB like normal people!! It’s a scene with kids and frankly, MisRed can’t be bothered. Interesting the farm gets young kids to pick their strawberries. Really cuts down on the child labor they need to hire.

Why don’t we just buy these at Whole Foods like normal people?

They discuss the dinner the previous evening when Gina and Shannon had a difference of opinion regarding whether or not Kelly should have confronted Steve at the Red party. Uh, who cares? The one thing we get from this scene, and it’s not new information, Shannon has not made any effort to befriend Gina and she is very cold. Shannon never makes an effort to befriend anybody, it’s no different with Gina.

Next year Shannon and Gina will be best friends.

Gina says there are so many opinions regarding her marriage and impending divorce. She values the other women’s opinions, but she knows what’s going on in her life and she can’t let other people’s opinions dictate her path. Right now, she is living in the moment. Then her kid threatens to pee on the strawberries.

Elsewhere, Vicki meets Tamra for some wine tasting and gossip, apparently. Vicki and Tamra are wearing the same sandals.

Bad taste travels fast.

Another super-flattering Vicki outfit.

Vicki says she ran into her “old friend” Domenico at the mall (with Steve, of course, because they are so in love they spend every waking moment together) and Domenico wanted to come and cook for Vicki’s friends.

We flashback to an earlier Season of RHOC, and certainly one of Vicki’s original faces- where Domenico was asking Vicki what size breast she uses when cooking and Vicki responded “Double D.” Ew.

Frankly, I’m shocked Domenico even recognized Vicki-it was 2007- that scene was 11 faces ago. But this footage tells us something else- that Vicki has always been a disgusting garbage person.

Vicki is having everyone over the following night for Domenico to sexually harass them and talk about their breast size.

Vicki tells Tamra she and Steve looked at a house in the desert. Great. You guys should go there and never come back. Vicki then says she and Steve are SO happy together. Vicki is laying it on a little thick for this to actually be true. Plus, Vicki is a pathological liar.

Vicki says “I feel like I want him more than he wants me all the time. Like, I just feel like I’m overly loving on him.” Um, yeah. Vicki has zero ability to self-assess. Vicki, you are UNLIKEABLE, that’s the bottom line. You are grossly insecure, needy, clingy and desperate, yet with a hugely inflated sense of self-worth and misplaced confidence. Not big attractors.

He’s a regular John Revolta.

Tamra says “But he ACTS like he loves you, right?” Yes, yes, he’s getting a Golden Globe in January- Best Actor Pretending to be a Latino and in love with Vicki Gunvalson. It’s a pretty new category, not sure if you’ve even heard of it.

In Tamra’s interview she says, “Steve seems like the perfect guy, but so did Brooks.” Have another hit of acid, Tamra. Nobody EVER thought Brooks was the perfect guy. Nobody ever thought Brooks was a decent guy. I’m not even sure if anyone thought Brooks was a guy.

Tamra says she just wants Vicki to be happy but warns Vicki “Just don’t let Steve take your money like Kelly said.” Vicki CLAIMS Steve has more money than she does.

Vicki, you need to do the CONVERSION the faux-Pesos to Dollars.

Eddie can probably help with the math.

Tamra says “She told me he had to move in with his Mommy when you guys broke up, because he didn’t have any money.”

Vicki says it’s not true. Yes, he moved in with his Mommy but that it was only because his house had a rental tenant in it. That seems reasonable. Hate to give Steve CCFL the benefit of the doubt but it not completely unbelievable. I mean, it’s a hell of a lot more believable than him being in love with Vicki.

Vicki confesses in her interview that she and Steve CCFL broke up and he gave me his real fears.” Vicki’s vacant soul, her monthly upkeep charges from the wax museum, her reflection, the amount of wardrobe items with cut-outs… She claims one of his fears to be Vicki being so busy. Vicki says she has learned from previous relationship what to do and what not to do.

Hang on.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. That’s a good one, Vick, you’ve learned. Yeah right.

Vicki claims they learned they needed to communicate better. Vicki says Kelly doesn’t know the facts and she should “shut her fat-ass mouth.” Tamra says Kelly told her that her divorce from Michael was a mutual decision. Vicki says it wasn’t- Michael wanted to stay married to Kelly. Tamra says that’s not what Kelly said. Vicki said “She was always yelling at him. She didn’t like him.”

In her talking head, Vicki spills “Kelly and Michael had a very volatile relationship.” Thanks Captain Obvious. “And she did not talk kind to Michael.”

Sweet Jesus Vicki, where were you raised that you think “talk kind” is proper English?

A charcuterie board is delivered to the table that was, oddly, already there in the previous scene

Maybe Vicki ordered a second board to fill up her cut-outs.

Tamra tells Vicki she had dinner with Gina, Emily and Shannon. Vicki asks how Gina is doing? Tamra says Gina told them about filing for divorce. To which Vicki responds “So ridiculous. You have three little kids and you don’t work… How are you going to support your children?”

Here we go. You knew it was coming. Interesting Kelly seems to get a pass from working in Vicki’s eyes. So did Shannon, come to think of it. Vicki is so resentful her first husband was, supposedly. a loser and deadbeat dad, she projects it onto EVERYONE. Vicki makes shitty choices when it comes to partners. Even Donn. While Donn seemed like a great guy, she completely took him for granted. And we’ve heard stories about Donn too- that he was unfaithful, and wasn’t that great to Vicki’s kids, and I just read today that he likes to frequent a Swinger’s Club and have sex in public. But look how Vicki treated him?!?!?! If your spouse is never around and takes no interest in your life or your life together- why would you stay married to them? Notice he never tried to have sex with Vicki in public.

Tamra thinks it’s weird that they are getting divorced, because it seems too peaceful. You get divorced after a lot of fighting, or someone is having an affair and Tamra isn’t buying it. Well those are the reasons YOU got divorced, Tamra.

Vicki says she doesn’t like Gina’s “flippant attitude about marriage. She took a vow to be married.”

Um, so did the two of you. 5 vows to be married between the two of you, hags. And Vicki, you hop on the first penis that gives you a glance. Pathetic.

Vicki says she wishes Gina would learn from the other women’s mistakes and take their lessons and apply it to her marriage.

Tamra is like- Betches can’t learn from other betches mistakes. Vicki says you can. Oh, Shut up Vicki. You don’t even learn from your OWN mistakes. And Tamra, you shut up too, just because I said so.

Gina meets Kelly to walk up and down some stairs for exercise. Gina thinks the workouts in California are weird.

Oh yeah, because there are no stairs in New York .

Didn’t Heather and Tamra work out on these stairs too?

This is a throw-away scene. They talk about Gina’s divorce. Gina maintains the divorce is amicable. Kelly doesn’t understand why they are getting divorced? Gina says they are best friends, they don’t fight, they still have sex and are attracted to one another…what’s the problem. Gina maintains she and her husband just aren’t right for each other anymore.

Can we end this scene? This is beating a dead horse. It accomplishes nothing.

It’s Italian night at Vicki’s House! Great. Vicki comes into the kitchen where Domenico, the Chef, is ordering people around. She says “Hi, baby.” Ew.

Gonna need a DNA check to make sure it’s the same Domenico.

Um, what, from the bottom of my heart, the f*ck happened to Domenico. This guy ATE Domenico. Domenico dances with Vicki in the kitchen, and you know if the camera weren’t there Vicki would have pinned him down and mounted him- that’s how turned-on she appears in this scene. It’s gross.

Vicki wants to do the horizontal samba.

Domenico asks if Vicki’s boyfriend would be jealous? Of what? He hates Vicki.

Vicki tells Domenico, “Donn did not like you!” Domenico is such a pig he is eating it up. It’s ridiculous because Donn doesn’t seem like the jealous type. And also… it’s Vicki. Any man would be happy to have another man take Vicki off his hands.

Vicki and Domenico go through the guest list and Domenico wants to know which of the ladies he can sexually harass without a husband coming after him with a gun. Domenico is instructed to flirt with Shannon, Kelly and Gina… and maybe Vicki.

Vicki is vile. Every dick within a 10-mile radius goes limp when Vicki walks in a room, 20-mile radius when she “Woo Hoos,” 1,500-mile radius when she shrieks.

We get a montage of the women leaving for Vicki’s house. As Emily is leaving, she and Turtle have a discussion about Kelly and how she and Kelly have met and cleared the air. Turtle would be willing to have Kelly apologize to him.

I’ll indulge an apology.

Well that’s MIGHTY big of him.

The women arrive at Vicki’s house. Tamra thinks Vicki and Domenico have a spark and this is who she should be dating. Tamra thinks Vicki banged him.

Welcome to an evening where you will be embarrassed to be Italian. And a woman. And alive.

Gina arrives to Vicki’s house and she is all ready for some good Italian food, like she used to get back in New York. Listen, I know people are rolling their eyes, but there is nothing like East Coast Italian food- except in Italy. MisRed lives in Texas and has lived in other states and the Italian food SUCKS. When I moved to Texas, I asked where I could get decent pizza (I knew asking for GOOD pizza would be out of the question.)? A lady told me “You should just call The Papa John’s. They deliver it right to your door with a nice side of racism.” MisRed might have thrown in that last part.

Vicki greets her with “Hi Princesa.” Honey, you can’t even master rudimentary English, now you are trying to Italian by way of Spanish?

Shannon and Kelly arrive- what is it ugly hat day at Vicki’s?

Emily pulls Kelly aside to ask her if she will apologize to Turtle. Kelly is like… Sure. “If he’s Mormon, he will accept my apology.” That’s an odd statement.

Gina says she loves Italian food and her mother’s maiden name is Sangimino, so “obviously, I’m Italian.” Actually, you are American. American of Italian descent.

Vicki says the women don’t know what they are doing in the kitchen. It’s true. A basic knife skills class could benefit them greatly. “They are disrespecting my kitchen.” Says the woman that makes an iceberg lettuce salad, tops it with some boiled shrimp and cocktail sauce and calls it dinner.

Then Domenico brings up “breasts.” And how they have big breasts, medium breasts and small breasts, and how they need to “pound” them.. Ugh. This asshole is so gross. Kelly announces she has “big breasts.” Thanks. We were completely unaware.

Lo batterò con il mio cazzo.

Then Shannon channels 2011 yelling “Winner Winner Chicken Dinner” for no apparent reason.

Actually, I’m surprised Shannon didn’t show up in a chicken suit. Maybe she didn’t know the menu. You know how she loves a theme.

Vicki is pissed about the Mommy comment.

Shannon takes Tamra aside to tell her Vicki called Kelly the previous day to talk about Kelly saying Steve moved back in with his mother. We flash back to the car ride over and Kelly tells Shannon about Vicki’s phone call, and how she had told Tamra this info and Tamra went right to Vicki and told her “VORbatim what I had said that.”

Then Kelly comes over and relays the whole situation to Tamra as Shannon walks away. She’s probably looking for a nacho. During the phone call from Vicki, Kelly, apparently, asked if Steve would be at Vicki’s house? Because if Steve was going to be there, Kelly wasn’t going to come. They continue to gossip, and Vicki walks up and catches them. LOL.

Hutsay pusay, tiay’s ightray heretay.

Kelly says that she said Steve moved back in with his “Mommy.” Vicki says “He doesn’t say Mommy, He says Mom. But it’s good.” Kelly clarifies that she is the one that said “Mommy.”

Vicki says- in the most victimesque manner possible- “I wish I could go live with my mom. It’d be a great thing.”

Mmmmahhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaammmmm!!!!

OMG VICKI!!!!! Shut the f*ck up. Your Mom died. Granted, Shannon killed her with BUNCO, but she was 83 years old. Yes, it was unexpected and yes, you have every right to be sad, but she didn’t die at AGE 30, she lived a good, LONG life. At some point, your parents reach an certain age and their death is inevitable. It doesn’t mean it’s not sad, but you grieve and move on. You don’t try to make everyone feel badly simply for saying the word “Mom.”

My Dad is 88 and is in good health, however, I am fully aware that he could pass away suddenly and while I would be devastated, I know it’s a possibility. Three years down the road, I wouldn’t be making anyone FEEL BAD for saying the word, “Dad.”

Why is nobody mad at Tamra in this situation? This is TWICE now (this month) that Tamra has taken something Kelly said and run back to Vicki with it. PEOPLE! STOP TELLING TAMRA THINGS. “Tell a Tamra, Telephone.” It still holds up after all of these years.

I guess Tamra does get a little flack from Vicki and Kelly for “talking sh*t.”

After the ladies f*ck up the dinner preparation, they go outside to eat. Vicki says she just wants to have a nice night and find peaceful ways to work through their differences. Bahahahah.

Instantly, the topic of divorce arises. Vicki starts lecturing Gina about how every one of them has had pain and Gina just isn’t there yet. Vicki, who just wanted to have a nice night, remember, says, “You are just so nonchalant about divorce. Like, it just bothers me, to tell you the truth.”

Gina tries to explain she and her husband are trying to take a different, more modern approach, and they can structure their family however they choose.

All of the other women, save Emily, chime in and give their opinions that this divorce is not logical and that they need to be fighting more.

Vicki says, “I don’t want another statistic in Orange County.” AS if Vicki is the Mayor of Orange County and worries about the divorce rate and how it could impact her numbers in the polls. Shut up.

Such a nice night.

Gina maintains she will be fine and she knows her husband and he is a really good man, but they just are not on the same page and that’s why they are divorcing.

But Vicki knows better – she says Gina isn’t experiencing the PAIN yet. Gina says she won’t experience “the pain.” Gina interviews because of what these women have been through in their pasts they think they know more than Gina does. Every married couple is different, and every divorced couple is different. Gina just wants the women to leave her alone.

Listen is Gina still sucking the ether and living in some fog that her divorce is going to be roses and sunshine? Maybe. Who knows that’s going to happen when it comes down to them actually untangling their lives, deciding who gets what and where the kids will be when, etc.

At this point, no matter what the topic, it’s 4 ganging up on 1. They may THINK they are being helpful, but they are badgering Gina.

Gina tries to remain calm saying that she knows who she married, and she knows who he is.

It’s all fun and games until he has to pay you $30k a month

Shannon says they ALL thought that, but until it comes down to the financial part. That’s when everyone goes “off. “

Gina tries to explain that they aren’t about money, and the money won’t be an issue. She says she would give up her alimony to save her family dynamic and on the flip side, her husband would pay her double to preserve their family dynamic. And that’s just who they are, and this will never be an issue of money.

Granted, we don’t know Gina’s husband, so we can’t, for sure, say what he will be like when it comes down to brass tacks, so it’s hard to say if Gina is living in a dream land. These other women, however, every one of them was married to a total asshole. I mean, Psycho Mike has “asshole” as a medical diagnosis. You mean to tell me you didn’t know David and Shannon would be divorcing and David would be a complete dick within the first 10 minutes of seeing him on-screen? Same with Simon? In Vicki’s case, she is the asshole, but we knew that from Day 1 as well. So if Shannon thought her divorce was going to be amicable- she’s even crazier than we thought.

Of course, Shannon feels attacked. UGH. Shannon Beador, Professional Victim, reporting for dinner. She says, “You’re insinuating that I’m saying it’s all about money.”

Well, yes, because that’s what you just said. See above.

Gina says she’s not saying that, she doesn’t even know Shannon and knows nothing about her or her divorce. Shannon is the one who said things go off in the divorce when it comes down to the financials, so if Gina is insinuating Shannon is all about money, it’s because Shannon is the one who brought up the topic in the first place.

Kelly chimes in that when you have assets that you built together it’s a different story. True. Wait. Exactly what assets did Kelly “build” in her marriage to Michael? Not sure one can place a value on tacky faux white leather furniture from Home Goods.

Gina says the just have their house and she’s not in that situation.

Then they are all yelling over each other.

Vicki says, “You took a matrimony.” Um. Took a matrimony? “You went in front of God and said, ‘I will marry you. Till death do us part.’” Uh, so did you, Vicki. TWICE. Gina is like- I don’t even believe in God. Vicki continues “You don’t believe in God?” The Religious Zealots of The OC GASP!!!! “Are you serious?”

Gina says she believes in a higher power. Kelly tells her- “That’s God. Everything I’ve ever prayed for has been given to me because I believe in God.”

Vicki, Satan’s Handmaiden, puts her hand on Gina’s shoulder and says, “That might be what’s missing.” Gina says she believes in HERSELF. Vicki continues, “That’s not enough. That’s why you are in the place you are in.” Gina says she is not in a bad place.

In Vicki’s talking head, we hear this, “I’ve never heard somebody be so flippant about God. She better hope she’s right that there is no God, because if she’s wrong, she’s gonna pay for it for eternity. That’s a long time.”

But don’t worry, because I’ll be there too.

Who died and appointed Vicki to be The Church Lady? And you know what Vicki? Gina is going to have plenty of company because your gelatinous, inappropriately dressed ass is going to be there too!

Vicki continues to preach at Gina “But you don’t have a moral compass inside your soul?”

Trust me I know. I don’t have one.

Kelly jumps to Gina’s defense saying Vicki shouldn’t say she doesn’t have a moral compass. Gina is like- yeah, that’s a stupid thing to say and you sound like an idiot right now.

Vicki then tries to back track “I said, ‘Do you not have…”. Kelly is like- No. That’s not what you said. Gina says that Vicki sounds stupid and she doesn’t do stupid. THANK YOU GINA!!!!!

Vicki with another pearl of wisdom “I’m a lot of things, but stupid I’m not.” Um, yeah you are. You speak of a moral compass…

Ok, let’s do some Vicki math here…

Liar

+Adulterer

+Scam artist

+Ego-maniac

+Hypocrite

+Bad Friend

+Mother who chooses a man over her children

+Brow-beater

+Desperate Sea Hag

+Sex with multiple partners

+Phony

+Jealous

+Insecure

+Pathetic

+Money Hungry

SINNER

Gina interviews that her morals in check. She says she doesn’t have morals because she believes in a certain God, she has morals because she tries to be a good person.

Is this sloppy bitch for real right now?

Vicki continues and it’s just such bulls*t. Vicki is a HYPOCRITE. She claims to be a Christian, and likes to spew Bible quotes, all the while living a sinful life. Vicki can do whatever the f*ck she wants, but she even said it herself “Before you judge me, you better be perfect.” And where is YOUR moral compass Vicki? Did you leave it in the bed with multiple partners? Or did you leave it behind at Kinkos when you are helping Brooks with his CANCER SCAM????

She continues to rail on Gina and Shannon starts to join in.

Gina, upset, gets up from the table and goes inside and who can blame her? It’s a gang-up. Gina is like- “Back off.” Shannon, of course, can’t believe Gina told her to back off?

Ugh. Shannon. Honey. Settle down. Not everything is about you or is an attack on you. You are a peripheral pest in this fight, at best.

Vicki says that she thinks one of them- Gina or her husband- is cheating. Emily says that maybe all of this is just a front and Gina isn’t willing to show her true feelings.

Kelly says the divorce rate is 70% in Orange County and Vicki says that’s why Briana moved. Because moving out of Orange County will allow her to put her feet on the couch? Let’s be honest, Briana moved to get the f*ck away from Vicki.

Tamra says it’s really none of their business. YASSSSSSS. FOR ONCE TAMRA IS RIGHT!!!!!

In the bathroom, Gina is crying and calls her husband. We only hear her side of the conversation, but she is upset. She says that the fact that they two of them are not right for each other just isn’t good enough for these women and she really needs him to give her a pep talk.

Emily gets up from dinner to go check on Gina. In the bathroom, Gina explains to Emily that she just doesn’t show her emotions to everyone.

I understand. They are assholes.

Emily says Gina’s situation conjures up a lot of emotions in these other women, and Gina just needs to be confident in her decision regardless of what the other women say. And Emily is a lawyer, so she should know. Did you know that? Oh, and she used to be a divorce lawyer too. So she double knows.

Gina and Emily head back to the table. Vicki chastises Gina “We had dinner served and you never came.” Gina says she was upset. Vicki continues “Why couldn’t you sit down and eat your dinner and be upset?” Gina says she was too upset to eat Domenico’s $3 pounded breasts.

Vicki, Gina isn’t your kid. You don’t scold an adult for being upset after you were the one who did everything in their power to UPSET said adult. You are clueless. What’s less than clueless?

Meanwhile, Shannon is like “Too upset to eat? Is there such a thing? I’ll just have a nacho.” Just kidding, MisRed made that up.

That’s right, STUPID!!!

Gina says she doesn’t show her emotions to other people easily and Vicki says, “Well it’s really none of our business.”

VICKI IS THE WORST. Take that “none of our business” sentiment, rewind 30 minutes, apply and carry on with your evening.

Gina says that she respects where they are coming from, but all of their situations are different. Shannon interviews that she hopes Gina’s divorce is amicable, but she needs to be prepared that it might not be amicable. Good point. However, it’s Gina’s life. Let her live it.

Sometime later, over at Emily’s house, they are picking grass out of the dog’s backside. Get the f*cker groomed, and don’t be disgusting. Kelly is on her way over with Jolie, presumably to apologize to the Turtle.

Why does every guy insist on having a heinous leather recliner?

Turtle sits on his throne- a leather recliner. Wonder if that came from Petco? When I go, I only see little castles and coral and seaweed. I haven’t seen actual furniture for the aquarium.

Kelly sits down to talk with Turtle. Emily asks Kelly if she can leave them alone for a minute? Turtle cowers saying, “You should be asking ME if it’s okay to be left alone with HER!”

I would like for Kelly to flip Turtle onto his shell and put him in the middle of a main road.

Ok, I guess you are just a bitch, not a LITTLE bitch.

Emily decides to stay to protect Turtle. Kelly starts with Turtle saying she is going through a divorce and she is sensitive to when people talk about her. And Vicki and Steve have been talking about her in the press and she doesn’t like it. She says she was on edge when she saw Steve CCFL- Turtle wants to know what he said that set Kelly off. Kelly says she doesn’t really even remember, she saw Red, but she probably needs a court reporter to record what she says and read it back to her- Turtle says that could work against her. Kelly rambles but eventually apologizes.

Turtle says in the future if she wants to confront someone she should just have the evidence out and confront them that way. It’s not terrible advice, you know, considering he is a Turtle. They resolve their issues and Kelly asks what they are doing for the rest of the day- Turtle says, “Probably talking trash about you.”

Ok, now that was funny.

We get a mid-ish-Season trailer for what’s coming up this season. Vicki gets a gobble-ectomy.

How is there anything left to piece together?

At what point can they no longer do plastic surgery? Like, if the Doctor has plastic’d all of the original DNA out of someone can you still do surgery? Shannon’s daughter wants to go on birth control.

Are you trying to give me a STROKE?!!?!

Oh good, we’ve been waiting for Shannon’s head to, literally, fly off and explode.

Shannon appears on QVC.

Vicki tells us she need sex four times a day. Ew.

Oh dear.

We meet one of Kelly’s dates, she says “He has his PhD too. Pretty huge dick.”

The girls go to Jamaica. It looks like major drama, given the artful stills by Bravo editing:

Then there is THIS unexplained situation:

What the actual f*ck?

We see Vicki in a macramé bathing suit.

Argggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

Um…. Can someone finish this recap, MisRed has gouged out her own eyeballs.

STOP! SHANNON TIME!

Shannon flips her wig and demands they stop filming.

Dear 6 lb, 8 oz Baby Jesus, lying in your little ghost manger… can you make the madness stop???? MisRed needs for Vicki Gunvalson to go away. She can leave the show. She can go to jail. She can just POOF turn to dust after a botched plastic surgery. It’s your choice, but please, please, let her be gone. Without Vicki, Tamra will shrivel up. There will be nothing left to fee the pussing goiter that is Tamra. Everyone else can stay.

What did y’all think? What do you think of Vicki’s version of Christianity? In MisRed’s opinion, it’s Christians like Vicki who give Christians a bad name. She’s disgusting. But you know who isn’t disgusting? YOU! Love you guys, love your comments and thank you for your support!

Hey Trashies! First off, I want to thank you all for giving me time to finish this recap. I know this is way too heavy for a site called TRASHTALKTV, but I’ve been having… a real tough time this week. Thursdays are when I usually hunker down with a case of wine to write these recaps, but two days ago (and yesterday, and today) I was too enthralled and and hurt and infuriated watching the Season Finale of Equal Rights in America, doing lame shit like opening old wounds, processing my emotions, and reaching out to other women. Ladies (and gentlemen), please know that if you’re having trouble right now there are resources available and people willing to hear either your story (if you’re ready to tell it) or your feelings. Check out RAINN, or call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673. I apologize for hitting you with a clunky dose of sociopolitical nonsense, but I love YOU ALL, and your existence – all of it, the pain, the embarrassment, the beauty – it matters. And I feel compelled to say that on a platform where I know my words are being read.

[shoves mental clutter off to the side, cracks a bottle of Pinot]

OK DUMMIES LET’S TALK ABOUT SOME HOT GUYS AND STUPID WOMEN.

This episode starts out by reminding us how fucking extra Dallas is. It may not seem like it from the outside, but I’m starting to realize that the Dallas ladies are probably right up there money-wise with the Beverly Hills cast. Case in point: the *casual* spa day Stephanie is planning, which she’s hosting in her own home. Normally, the Real Housewives go on a retreat to some alcohol-stocked rehab facility or check out a hip new wacky trend like cryogenic chambers when they do “spa days.” But not Dallas. They just roll on over to Stephanie’s bathroom:

Just the price tags on these chyrons alone add up to $155,000. That’s probably how much Brianna paid for her entire depressing Oklahoma mansion. And that’s just some of the stuff in the bathroom. My brain just put up an “out to lunch” sign and walked out of my skull.

Secondly, a spa day for Stephanie means she’s gotta hire some hot meat to stand around and look pretty and fan the girls with palm leaves, so she literally AUDITIONS MALE MODELS for the job of watching some middle-aged women get their nails painted.

Now, I know we’re dealing with a fragile environment post-#MeToo, so maybe it would be good if I pointed out that I’m pretty sure all these dudes are gay. Nevertheless, the objectification was laid on THICK.

… until this guy walked in:

Bravo didn’t even bother to give this creep a name. But he makes up for his fragile twink-like mediocrity and serious mass shooter vibes with THIS:

A fweakin BABY KANGAWOO. I’m obsessed. I’d hire that guy to do my taxes. I’d hire that guy to house sit. I’d hire that guy to check me for lumps. As long as he brings baby kangaroos with him everywhere he goes, I don’t care. Gimme dat hippity hop in a diaper.

Stephanie decides since they’re all “so nice and made me feel comfortable” (which is white girl code for I like being around gay men because they’re non-threatening and I can objectify them), and since one had a BABY KANGAROO, she’s going to hire them all. Again, for her no-frills, totally chill spa day.

LeeAnne is doing a video shoot(?) for that versatile dress she’s trying to hock and shows up to some studio with no makeup, and I always find that refreshing with Housewives.

Only about 5% of the Housewives ever show their non-made-up face on camera, and I feel like I should do a special recognition post for all the women who are that “brave.” The only other three I can think of off the top of my head are Ashley, Bethenny, and Sonja (obviously) – are there any more?

This Bitch rolls up in the most ridiculous effing car I’ve ever seen.

She’s also wearing the fugliest pair of pink break-aways (with stilettos), which LeeAnne calls “athleisure.” “Aren’t they fuuuuuuuuuunnnn?” This Bitch coos.

A: no, they look like you’re hiding a colostomy bag.

LeeAnne’s starting the dress line with “black, white, and REEEEEED” (the way she said “red” was so Texan) options, but just one dress gives you 175 different options. It’s enough to drive ya crazy!

SEE?

She and This Bitch talk about the Smash party at the Anger Room and LeeAnne says she’s all cheesed at D’Andra for being all cheesed at her (for talking about D’Andra’s financial anxiety in Beaver Creek), wondering why $200 matters so much “when you have six bank accounts.” Essentially, she thinks D’Andra is being melodramatic and seeking pity, which… is only totally off the mark when it comes to D’Andra’s problem and LeeAnne definitely isn’t paying attention.

LeeAnne also, obviously, is pissed at Cary for telling D’Andra about the conversation LeeAnne had with Cary, ostensibly turning a working friendship into gossip mongering. And because she doesn’t have a compelling fight with anyone, This Bitch totally jumps on the Hating Cary bandwagon, whining about how Cary didn’t have her back after This Bitch got sooooooo offended when Stephanie suggested she was “bashing adopted babies.” Thanks to Bravo’s Discount Double Check Replay Cam, we can remember that all Cary was trying to do was coach This Bitch in not saying insensitive shit and doubling down on it all when a sensitive new mom runs off to cry in her bedroom.

It’s the dumbest grudge in the world, but hey, here’s our episode. Strap in, people.

LeeAnne tries on all her different “dresses,” and I gotta say, this is a really smart product with tons of potential, but these shots make the dress look like a cheap, vampy Halloween costume:

It may be because they gave LeeAnne Elvira hair and goth makeup and 8-inch platform heels that the strippers on slutty Halloween costume packages wear, I dunno.

Meanwhile, This Bitch looks on and praises both her and LeeAnne’s stunning business acumen (emphasis mine): “LeeAnne and I are visionaries. We both have chosen an adventurous product to develop. People are gunna be like, ‘a dress with a 175 different ways you can wear it?’ LeeAnne, don’t listen to those doubters because that is genius. That is different. Keep pursuing your dreams. Be different. Because in the business world, if you’re not different, you WON’T survive.” Hey thanks Warren Buffett, where’d you learn that? At the Wharton School of Banging Trust Fund Babies?

Speaking of business, apparently Brandi has one????? (plus more question marks)

So, Brandi Land is not what you think it is (a subscription-based adult website run by a porn star our president probably fucked). It is a clothing line Brandi started a year ago for “lounge wear and resort wear” and, ya know, this kind of shit:

(which Brandi was wearing earlier in the episode)

I’m a member of a Facebook group called “i’m a 35 year old divorced mom from the midwest and this is cool as heck” and I am DEFINITELY sharing that shirt with them.

Anyway, it seems to all be run by Brandi’s checked-out sister-in-law Megan…

… who drawls out “nnnnI love that dress on yew” when Brandi walks in, in a way that’s so insincere I can totally read their entire relationship and what has probably been 10 years of Megan hating that girl her brother started dating.

Brandi adds that the clothing line piggy backs off of Brian’s career in marina real estate(? please tell me about all the marinas in land-locked Dallas), and she hopes to sell it in pop-up shops at all of Dallas’ exclusive marina retail locales. To be fair, I’ve never been to Dallas so my skepticism around Dallas marinas is unfounded; I guess they probably exist? But suffice to say Brandi’s clothing line is like a nascent Kyle By Alene Too, so expect to see some size 00 samples on Kyle Richards next time she makes it out to Texas.

Stephanie shows up first and admits that she needs something to wear, so Brandi shoves an ugly wrap at her and does a phony sell of the thing, being all “you’ll definitely wear this again, right?” and Stephanie’s like URMUHGURD GURL TURTALLY and then Brandi says, great, that’ll be $719 for this 90’s-era-teacher-from-a-sitcom dress:

As Cary and D’Andra head over, we learn that Cary has bought Brandi’s clothes (slutty Miami caftans) before and is like sooooo in awe that Brandi can be a mom AND have a career, unlike maybe 90 million women in America:

Cary also has a “raincoat” for her purse:

… but considering it’s a $10,000 Birkin, I’ll allow that. By the way, she picked up this hot tip from This Bitch last year:

Brandi gets both D’Andra and Stephanie into her boring wrap dresses (sorry, I think they’re fine when you’re day drinking on a Wednesday, a thousand miles away from your office and on vacation, but multiple of these things in one room and I start to feel bloated and braless). They look kind of “meh” and out of place on both ladies, but they’re also vast improvements on what they walked in wearing:

(D’Andra as “Missing Sophomore Girl from 1977”)

(and This Bitch as “Your Rich Hateful Grandmother Who Got That Uppity Latino Server At The Club Fired”)

LeeAnne hates Brandi’s clothes and I love it:

D’Andra makes a joke about bringing her piggy bank with $200 in it to buy clothes from Brandi Land, but “LeeAnne stole $4 out of it to buy hair extensions from China.”

LOL. OK D’Andra, pull up a chair.

And then we get into the actual fights. First up: This Bitch, who tepidly tries to create an in with Cary by asking about her house renovations and acting all privileged and horrified that the FLOORS finally! got put in:

Then, tired of pretending to care, she pulls Cary over to a couch and tells her, with no explanation or pretext whatsoever, “I feel like you’re playing both sides” (this is the magical phrase she discovered a few scenes ago with LeeAnne, so she’s running with it).

Cary asks her to explain, and This Bitch relates how in Beaver Creek, after This Bitch totally shit on Brandi for not telling her she was adopting a baby ahead of time, and then Stephanie reminded This Bitch not to “bash a woman for adopting a baby,” and then This Bitch misinterpreted it as Stephanie saying This Bitch “bashes babies,” and then all hell broke loose, Cary totally followed This Bitch up to her bathroom to stroke her hair and tell her she did nothing wrong. But the next day, Cary told This Bitch that This Bitch a delusional drama queen who loves to hear herself argue.

I mean, those events are all according to This Bitch’s memory, and she’s sort of forgetting that Cary was a) very drunk and very tired in the bathroom that night and b) didn’t say a thing at that time. Cary contests that even if those events all happened true to This Bitch’s testimony, who cares, because “I’m not in third grade and I’m allowed to have an opinion” without swearing blind allegiance to one volatile intoxicated woman over another.

Cary says that she was just trying to be “real” with This Bitch, and when This Bitch interrupts her, she says, gently, “no, listen…” This Bitch, after I guess having watched a ton of Real Housewives and just finished a season of Atlanta, goes, “wait, why are you pointing your finger at me right now?”

OK, if I had to circle the Pointed Finger, it’s because Cary was just gesticulating with her hands and was not GETTING HER FINGER ALL UP IN THIS BITCH’S FACE like This Bitch is trying to make believe. This Bitch is trying to pretend something like this happened:

After a long pause, in which Cary just blinks vacantly and Bravo plays the derpy-derp music (instead of the symbol-laden drama music, so you know this is ridiculous), Cary is like, OK, so basically you think I’m on Stephanie’s side and that I’m a liar. This Bitch tries to back pedal and starts pointing her finger, which Cary notices:

PHONE HOME

Since This Bitch keeps bringing up Stephanie, Cary calls her over.

Golden Girls: The Slutty Years

This Bitch is suddenly flustered and incensed, insisting that she’s just trying to have a private conversation with Cary and realizing that she can maybe tread water against one woman but not two. She immediately gets up to leave and Stephanie laughs about this becoming a pattern: This Bitch seeing her and then leaving. “Story of my life!” she laughs.

Careful where you point that thing, lady.

This Bitch doesn’t leave, though, she just buzzes on over to the bright halogen beam of another fight happening two feet away: D’Andra and LeeAnne.

WHY ARE YOU HERE THIS BITCH, THIS DOESN’T CONCERN YOU

It all starts when D’Andra asks LeeAnne if she should be expecting an event like this for LeeAnne’s wedding, since I guess privileged white women looking at clothes on a roll-out rack are part of weddings now. “Yes!” LeeAnne says, “and it’ll be very expensive and everyone needs to bring gifts that are at least $500!” I can’t tell if she’s joking, but she’s clearly stepped in it, considering that gives D’Andra the opening she needs to talk about Twohundreddollarsgate.

D’Andra explains, yet again, that she cleaned out (one of) her bank account(s) to avoid shopping, and that’s why she made the $200 remark in Beaver Creek, and also yet again, that she’s hurt and humiliated and she’s worried about how rich snobasses like Kameron Westcott will treat her if they know she’s lifting her skirts and committing the cardinal sin of trying to make it on her own. This Bitch just looks at her patronizingly and nods, feeling big and important and benevolent, and probably so cocky that she spontaneously grew a penis just for the sake of having a boner.

God I hate this woman.

D’Andra explains how she’s the only one on the cast who has to bust her ass to achieve her professional dreams and be independent (I was going to say “make ends meet,” but that seems melodramatic), and LeeAnne rightfully ejaculates that that’s not true: she’s had to do the same thing.

I love that LeeAnne is having this conversation in Brandi’s sessy lil teddy

D’Andra counters that that is what hurt her the most; that LeeAnne gets it but still dragged D’Andra’s name through the mud (meaning she just told Cary a joke about shopping at Beaver Creek, but whatever). LeeAnne confesses that if the roles were reversed she’d be “devastated,” and, saying through crocodile tears, she was “heartbroken” to learn that she “hurt D’Andra.” She goes on and on and on about how she’d rather hurt herself than D’Andra and D’Andra’s her best friend and bla bla bla, I agree with commenter Anonosaurus: this is the start of a Jill Zarin/Bethenny Frankel falling out, and I pray to god that LeeAnne does not turn into a Jill.

In her interviews, D’Andra accuses LeeAnne of only wanting to deflect attention off herself and her own problems, asserting that LeeAnne is merely concern-trolling.

Stephanie walks into the group to break the tension and ask This Bitch WTF just happened back there (on the couch that’s still in the camera’s frame):

This Bitch opens her mouth to explain and glittery moths fly out of it instead of words. Cary cuts in two seconds later to thankfully write a cohesive narrative that us at home can follow. I seriously think she’s in cahoots with producers and I don’t even care.

Cary is like, this is a white pile of dog shit and not even worth our time: “You [This Bitch] pushed her [Stephanie]; you [Stephanie] said something wrong. That’s the end of the whole thing.” Everyone disperses to go have wine (since that’s way more fun than having fake fights) except for Cary and This Bitch.

Cary tells this bitch that everyone gets caught up in the whole “she-said she-said thing” and yadda yadda yadda imsorryihurtyourfeelings (and can you please stop being a psychopath, thanks). And even that was a more generous apology than This Bitch deserved, considering it was an apology to begin with. So This Bitch doubles down and does that thing where you take advantage of an apology, and instead of acknowledging it you lay on more anger. This Bitch reminds Cary that she didn’t “protect her in Mexico” when Brandi was chasing This Bitch with a black dildo.

… and (gasp) (sob) “that really hurt me.”

For clarity: This Bitch was traumatized by an eight-inch cast of rubber. I feel like her public self and Brett Kavanaugh’s testimony self would really get along in White Teenage Virgin Heaven, where they’d drink exactly one beer per hour and document it on a calendar.

Cary laughingly relents to “protect” This Bitch from that sort of thing in the future, and to add credit to her name, tells her a story about how Brandi and Stephanie wanted to plant a pair of fake balls somewhere in Beaver Creek to freak This Bitch out, but Cary talked them out of it. We get some unaired footage of the conversation, since Cary comes with receipts.

This Bitch approves, and they’re friends again.

yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

A few minutes later, though, Cary tells Brandi about the whole Stressticles sabotage and Brandi is super confused and offended…

… since Brandi thinks it was her decision alone to not give This Bitch the Stress Balls.

Before everyone says goodbye, LeeAnne and Stephanie re-cement their friendship, Stephanie sort of throws Brandi under the bus a little, and agrees to a three-way lunch among LeeAnne, herself, and This Bitch:

After everyone leaves, Stephanie asks Brandi how she thinks it went, and Brandi, pretending to busy herself with folding clothes, says “good…” not meeting Stephanie in the eye and doing that real life equivalent of posting on Facebook: “WORST DAY OF MY LIFE, DON’T ASK I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT [please ask I would love to talk about it]”

Stephanie needles in, in her Super Friend way, and Brandi admits that she’s offended that Cary claimed the Not-Giving-This-Bitch-The-Fake-Balls idea as her own (these are the sentences that make me hate being a recapper), and it just goes to show Brandi that everyone truly thinks “she’s a bad influence.” As if someone had suggested that 9/11 was Brandi’s idea and Cary had to rush in at the last minute and persuade her against taking that last flying lesson. Which I sort of empathize with! Not the being a terrorist thing – the people using you as a moral scapegoat to look high and mighty thing.

Recognizing that this is a stupid issue over which to get upset, Stephanie sits down to intervene on Brandi, telling her she’s spiraling and not taking care of herself and drowning and et cetera such as.

Stephanie confesses in this very real way that being a new mom is hard, babies are dicks, and not getting them to stop screaming themselves red in the face for five fucking minutes, not stopping to wonder if you accidentally gave them hepatitis from your driveway, not swaddling them within a centimeter of the nationally accepted standard, makes you feel like a failure as a mother. It’s one of those very ubiquitous parent realities that I completely sympathize with despite not being a parent, because I at least know what it’s like to be both an adult and a woman. And this is why I don’t have children: they’re fucking difficult, dude! They’re not a spreadsheet. And people are judging you constantly as is. Also, the sperm I’ve chosen to welcome into my factory has been… from less than optimum sources.

Hi! I’m the code for paying 400% markup for vodka at clubs and unironically buying clothes from Armani Exchange and playing Titanfall all day and substituting Facebook memes for human interaction and also I have an anger management problem, alcoholism, homophobia, and a sex addiction. But no job. Also I hate women because I’m sensitive too, dammit. Let’s make a human!
– Cells my cervix and Ocella have punched in the face

Anyway, Brandi hears all of this and is responsive, admitting that she needs to both lay off herself and get help.

On the day of Stephanie’s spa day, she and her assistant Trey go through all the supplies (props) they’ll need:

Grapes, bed sheet sets for togas, white wine, champagne, and tiaras. Pretty much everything they needed to remake Caligula. “I want all the women to feel like horny queens when they get here,” Stephanie says, and sue me, I fucking love this moron.

She’s giving me life. “Horny queens” is the perfect answer to this week and I don’t mind suiting up in a plate of sexy Roman armor and battling the Carthaginian Elephant of the Patriarchy for her.

(see what I did there)

To add to This Bitch’s extra-ness, she’s ordered monogrammed pajamas with custom packaging. I just can’t:

As a reminder, these will be the SECOND set of monogrammed pajamas these girls give one another this season.

The first person to show up is the twink with the kangaroo:

Now that Stephanie’s hired him, Bravo tells us his name is Chase, and again, he has a FWEAKIN BABY KANGAWOO named Callie-Roo [Spec: Kangaroo].

I WANT TO SKWERSH HER IN MY FACE

They decide to hide Chase and Callie upstairs, but not before putting her in suitable dress:

… and the Bravo editors add a “boing! boing! boing!” sound every time she hops around the house and my head goes like this from all the KYOOT:

Anyway, people start showing up and Trey’s gay dreams come true as he gets to drape hot guys in makeshift togas and Stephanie’s sorority dreams come true as she commands them what to do, like, GIVE HER A TIARA SHE IS YOUR QUEEN.

Stephanie’s “parties” are fucking obscene, but I’ll be god damned if said I didn’t want her as a friend. Who planned and hosted my bachelorette, baby shower, and every single birthday.

LeeAnne shows up with a message that I can very easily identify with, but considering the surroundings I think she’ll get over it:

Stephanie brings everyone upstairs to meet the FWEAKIN BABY KANGAWOO:

Cary is enthralled but LeeAnne is “100% sure that this ain’t legal”:

… which, not for nothing, she’s probably right about. And everyone agrees with me that “Kangaroo Guy is a little creepy”:

“He scares me a little, with the veneers.” – Cary
“And the fact that he looks like a healthier Adam Lanza” – Me

After Kangaroo Kreep is out of the picture, letting Callie-Roo shit all over the lounge, the girls go to rest their feet by the Jacuzzi as Stephanie sorority-presidents out commands to the models to get her friends tequila.

I’m slowly realizing through the anguish of this week that this is exactly the sort of television I need. I love it. I’m numb and I need a bathrobe. I want to be day drunk and dare myself to dip my toes into a bath of piss-hot jets as gay men surround me, smiling at me as I challenge myself not to pee my pants at the sensation. This is heaven, and thank you, Stephanie.

Trey announces that there are two nail technicians and two masseuses (and D’Andra and This Bitch flaked out of this event, thank god) so Stephanie decrees that Brandi and Cary should do “nells” first together so they can talk about their issues while Stephanie and LeeAnne get massages.

Cary and Brandi sit down at the nell tech station and Cary asks Brandi how everything is going. “Good, ggewwwwd,” Brandi whispers in her soft, indoor voice, which is a clear indication that she’s angry. But, good for her: she tells Cary that she’s uncomfortable about how things unfolded at her pop-up show with This Bitch and the whole fake balls thing. She’s worried that Cary taking ownership of the fake balls situation makes Brandi look like an unruly child, and she’s worried that it perpetuates the idea of her being a “bad influence.”

Cary fully acknowledges that what she said made Brandi feel humiliated, and apologizes, but admits that she only said what she said to “defend” herself from stupid fucking This Bitch. Brandi accepts that, and the two of them marvel at the fact that they both got through a mature conversation, particularly considering that the at the root of it was a set of it was fake testicles.

LeeAnne and Stephanie, gettin more massages and more friendship, admit that This Bitch is the source of all the Bad Brandi bullshit, which Brandi and Cary also acknowledge:

What they disagree on is whether or not This Bitch is a good person, with Brandi calling This Bitch a hypocrite for being friendly with LeeAnne, a puppet of LeeAnne’s, and a clear enemy of the state, and LeeAnne insisting that Brandi just judges This Bitch.

Cary, ominously, reminds us in her interviews that she’s warned the cast about her policy of not keeping secrets, so get ready for this to come back and bite Brandi in the butt.

Fuck. Just when I thought this episode was over This Bitch and her grandma ass Lilly Pulitzer fucking wardrobe and sad husband and Elle Woods planner pop their heads back in to the last three minutes.

of course these are the kind of people who put iced Diet Coke in wine glasses

This Bitch tells Court that she was SO BUSY manning her own booth at a trade show where she by definition had to stand at a table and smile at people and interact that she couldn’t even stop to go to the bathroom or get water or grab a snack. Wow. What a fucking martyr for enterprise. Court asks her if she met her goal, which was to meet a distributor. This Bitch points to a random business card and says the name on it told her, “we’re going to make your dreams come true,” to which Court gamely responds:

Nice! Perfect vision of what it’s like at the Trump family dinner table. Court doesn’t care about all of This Bitch’s business cards, especially because she didn’t get a contract signed in Orlando, assuming she’s the sort of dick-swinging blowhard who can take another executive out to dinner and soak him in martinis until he says yes, as all things in life work for every white rich guy who graduated business school and want something (like business, credit, sex). This Bitch goes on another diatribe about “Westcott women” and society expectations and honestly, I want to die. Both of them are awful, and what’s worse is that neither of them understand why. They think this is just some silly lover’s quarrel, spun and batted around like a cat’s jingle toy, not recognizing it for the identity crisis their marriage is facing. This is a business, this is millions of dollars, and beyond that, these are human beings, investing their passions, striving to prove themselves, bleeding out into a dream.

I’m so sick of this narrative right now I want to die.

Next Week: Cary keeps her promise of spreading secrets:

(and making Jim Halpert face)

D’Andra confronts her mom in what I keep thinking is a weed jacket:

LeeAnne has to ask Rich how weddings work:

And D’Andra throws Rich Infedelity rumors right in LeeAnne’s face, wearing a horrible Blossom bowler hat:

And that’s all I got. I’m sorry, I was distracted with this fun nonsense for a second, but This Bitch’s detached, Gilead-esque conversation with her husband pulled me right back in to the upside-down. I don’t know what to say this week and I don’t know how to be. I don’t know what’s going to happen, and I’m not sure that good and right things will prevail.

But I do know that regardless of what’s to come, we’ll always have these Housewives, easing the burn, exacerbating the damage, reminding us of who we are at our core.

Take care of yourselves, Trashies. Remember, you are important, you take up space and command an indelible effect on this world, and you should be shamelessly proud of who you are. Boss up and change your life. Scream. Laugh. Rally. Vote. Take the stage and show us all why we’re lucky as hell to have you, because I know we are. You are more than a 400-year-old fossil with an office and a rigid pew and a birthright of undeserved impunity. You are someone who can’t be bought, who has been molded by experience, who still has a nerve ending left within her. To remind you of the incredible breed you belong to, here’s a lil’ pick-me-up. Hopefully, it’ll help you dust your shoulders off and put the crown back on your precious, invaluable head:

Happy RHOCtober!!! Sorry, MisRed is just trying to liven this scene up a little. It isn’t easy, and I’m pretty sure I stole that from somewhere else.

Vicki’s True, Disgusting, North

Where were we? Hmmm, I guess if MisRed had Vicki’s MORAL COMPASS she’d know. Thankfully, MisRed’s phone has GPS.

And I should know because I am a hypocrite.

Last week Vicki informed Gina that she has no moral compass inside her soul and she is, basically, going to hell because she’s getting divorced. But don’t worry Gina, your friend Vicki will be right there, for eternity, to keep you company.

This is the face you will see for eternity, Gina. Good luck.

No, not because she got divorced, twice, or even because she has no soul, but because she’s a gaping asshole, who wouldn’t know a MORAL COMPASS if someone smacked her in the rubber face with one. This bitch.

Oh, Turtle and Kelly made up. And… uh, Tamra spread some gossip. Emily wants to have another baby. I think that’s it.

But really, who cares?

We open with Vicki. Puke. Seriously, Mandy Cohen, this is NOT the way to get into MisRed’s good graces. It’s going to take Archie Beador, a large pizza and a few bottles of wine, minimum. And not that crap from ALDI. (Actually, MisRed tried the Aldi Sauvignon Blanc that these betches have been pimping- it’s not terrible. MisRed still prefers the Kirkland Ti Point Sauvignon Blanc. Don’t forget the holidays are around the corner, and MisRed accepts liquid gifts.)

Try to hold on. But don’t try too hard.

Anyway, Steve the Crooked Cop and Faux Latino is taking Vicki on her “first motorcycle ride.” MisRed finds that a little hard to believe, but who asked me? Steve CCFL tells her to just sit there, hold onto him and enjoy the ride. Oh yeah. Vicki is totally capable of doing that. Not. She will complain “This is a waste of time, I could be WORKING!!”

Steve neglected to mention he greased up his entire midsection with Crisco. Good luck, Vicki.

Vicki asks, “You don’t think I’m gonna fall off the back or anything?” Think or hope? Please clarify.

Vicki says Steve CCFL is turning 60 this year and he said he really misses having a motorcycle, so she told him to go buy one. Which you and I know is code for – Vicki bought him a motorcycle. Do we think that’s more or less expensive than a new set of teeth?

Vicki, of course, can’t be cool and just wear regular clothes, she has to wear a Harley Davidson Shirt, Harley Davidson Do-rag, Harley Davidson Hat and Harley Davidson jacket. Vicki is like the tackiest tourist alive.

We flashback to Vicki asking her assistant, Linda, if she’s ever been on a motorcycle? Linda says she has not.

Which is odd, because I can totally picture Linda, hanging off the back of a bike, smoking a Marlboro Red or twelve, pulling up to a biker bar where she dances on top of the bar and later somehow “loses” her bra.

Oh no, I’ve never been on a motorcycle. <wink, wink>

Linda proceeds to tell Vicki a horror story about a motorcycle accident she witnessed, where the driver ended up like a pancake. Great, thanks for the input LINDA.

But seriously, how much would it cost to have someone cut their brakelines? Asking for a friend.

They pull out of the driveway and Vicki SHREIKS and SCREAMS the entire time, tell him to slow down, and No! No! No! No! No! No!

Imagine the humiliation of being shackled to Vicki?

Seriously, doesn’t that bike come with an ejection seat? Can we get one installed? There has got to be someone on the dark web who can arrange this.

Notice how Steve’s truck is hidden?

I noticed Steve’s Dodge RAM pick-up truck parked in Vicki’s driveway. I’m shocked Vicki hasn’t taken the liberty of trading it in for a Mercedes SUV and giving it to Steve as a gift. “I got this for you!!!!! And you are going to make the payments!!!!” Oh, I forgot, she only does that to Briana. Vicki’s men get bought outright.

Awwww, let’s check in with Archie. We never get quite enough Archie. He is wandering around the yard just doing his thing- being cute… while Shannon is inside preparing for her trip to Philadelphia where she will be on QVC. We see Shannon packing her vitamins for the trip. At first, MisRed was like- why does she just not use a pill case? But once I saw the number of pills, MisRed realized, there isn’t a pill case on this planet big enough to hold all of Shannon’s neurosis “cures.”

2 Iron, 1 Calcium, 3 David.David!David?, 1 CoQ10, 1 Synthetic Nacho, 1 Vitamin C

Shannon’s kids are like… thank god she is getting out of our hair for a few days. Shannon asks her twins if they are going to watch her on QVC. They are like- “we know we are supposed to say yes.” Shannon quizzes them as to what time she will be on? They are like- 8? Midnight? 6? 4am? Noon?

Bye Mom. See you later. Good luck.

Shannon informs them she will be on between 2pm and 3pm. She badgers them to watch. Tamra and Sophie are going to Philly to support Shannon. Shannon is really excited and a little nervous.

Shannon says when she was married to David, she didn’t get a lot of support for her business ideas. For example, the restaurant Shannon wanted to open “Affordable, healthy eating.“ We flashback to David telling Shannon she needed to be able to be profitable to stay in business.

Too bad you are too fat and dumb and lazy to be successful.

He 100% had a point, restaurants are a VERY difficult business, not only to launch, but to sustain. And there’s a reason why Whole Foods is a lot more expensive than McDonalds, but because it’s David you wanted to just kick him in the face.

But what is Archie going to pack?

Shannon goes and badgers Sophie to show her what she’s bringing to Philly- because Shannon needs to approve Sophie’s wardrobe choices. Shannon says that she and David have different parenting style and she is more into structure and discipline and David is more into growing his hair long, getting cutesy tattoos and allegedly knocking-up his penis holster in other words, being a cliché.

#pathetic

Shannon says she had arguments with her Mom over clothes and what she was and wasn’t allowed to wear and she, ultimately, was grateful that her mother steered her to be more conservative.

You know Shannon fought tooth and nail to wear that tank top.

I’m with Shannon. Listen, maybe MisRed is out of line here, as she doesn’t have kids, but I DO have eyeballs- and I cringe when I see the way some kids dress these days. I see it on Facebook – there are a lot of homecoming photos being posted right now and there is not a single Gunne Sax or Laura Ashley dress in the bunch!!!

Back in my day, girls dressed respectably.
(Seriously, MisRed may have had that dress in the middle.)

Everything is so short or has cut outs and there is so much skin showing. MisRed isn’t a prude, but I think it’s okay to have a little mystery. For example, Teresa Guidice just posted a birthday party pic of her 9 year old in a full face of make-up and a belly shirt.

Growing up too fast.

Obviously, people can do what they want and dress how they want. And Teresa isn’t doing anything criminal- this time- but for petesake, both of this kid’s parents have been to jail, that can’t be easy on a kid. There is nothing wrong with letting a kid be a kid. Everyone is in such a hurry to grow up, it’s kind of sad.

Speaking of growing up, Sophie has really grown into a lovely young woman. She’s so tall, and beautiful.

She would look so sweet in a Laura Ashley prairie dress.

Back to Icki and SteveCCFL on the motorcycle. They arrive at a roadside bar/restaurant and Vicki is like “What do I do?” Steve is like – F*ck off. I mean, Get off.

Look kids! They even have Color TV!!

Vicki informs us that at this point in her life she’s “all about compromise, and she will do whatever Steve wants regarding motorcycle riding.” Sure. You will just scream your fool head off and make it a completely miserable experience for him.

She says she doesn’t want Steve pulling up to a biker bar alone “because, look at him, he’s so sexy.” Ugh. MisRed has a pile of dog excrement in her yard with more sex-appeal than Steve Chavez Lodge.

They order lunch from Alfredo- Vicki gets a cheeseburger in a lettuce wrap. Of course she does.

You probably eat Salad Pizza too, don’t you? You disgust me.

She says she checked another item off her bucket list “God on a motorcycle ride with my man.”

“My man.” Shut up, Vicki. You are NOT cute.

Hope you choke on that lettuce, skank.

Vicki regales Steve with the poop from her Italian Dinner, conveniently leaving out her doing the tube-steak boogie with Domenico, and how she just wanted to have a fun evening. Steve was like “ohitwasn’tfun?” He, literally, couldn’t be less interested in this conversation or in Vicki.

Vicki tells him how Gina started crying because everyone was questioning her about “this divorce thing. We talk about divorce and about all of the things everybody wants in one person. I’m sure I’m not everything to you…”

Manners. Look into it.

Steve is like- no, you are nothing to me. Just a source of cash, dear. And of course, a source of the dry heaves, daily.

But here’s the thing, Gina wasn’t crying because she was talking about her divorce. Gina wound up crying because Vicki badgered her saying Gina had no soul, and no moral compass, she was going to burn in hell and Gina should just stay married for the sake of her kids, and they know better and she’s making a mistake.

Vicki says looking back on her divorce from Donn, she didn’t put the effort in to stay married. She says she sees no effort from Gina- she hasn’t seen her going to counseling – and she wants Gina to be really sure about divorcing because it’s a forever decision.

Vicki wishes she had someone say to her “You got a good guy there. Stay married.”

Vicki’s convenient amnesia.

Um, you did. The entire f*cking audience and all of your friends told you, you dumb, dumb b*tch.

Isn’t it so nice when Vicki gets up on her high horse and judges other people? She is such a hypocrite and so completely un-self-aware, it’s really baffling.

They leave and get back on the bike and Vicki asks if they will do this again? Steve is like, yeah, the ejection seat malfunctioned this time. Vicki continues to shriek the entire way home.

Pssssst Vicki, f*ck off.

We are treated to this very peculiar scene transition:

This Random Ass.

Over at Emily’s house, her kids are running around with poop in their pants. Great.

Turtle took away his pants because they were making too much noise.
They were corduroys.

You should totally have another baby. You and the Turtle so have the three you have under control.

We join Gina with her parents who are visiting from Long Island, going to a restaurant. Of course, Alfredo takes their order.

I’ll have a sangria, Alfredo.

They have lunch and discuss Gina’s divorce. Oh good, we haven’t heard enough about this. The parents are upset about the divorce and they are concerned for their grandkids. Her dad is about to retire, and they would consider relocating to California. Gina says she knows she’s doing the right thing by divorcing.

Gina’s parents. So in love.

Her parents have been together for 40 years and are still totally in love, and Gina would like to have that- but she doesn’t have that with her husband. Gina needs to have some friends of her own, and she believes Tamra is helping her do that. Bahaha.

Trust us Gina, Tamra is weaving a web. The tries to make you think she’s your friend, but don’t turn your back on her.

I just need a hug.

Gina tells her parents about the dinner with the girls and how they all were badgering her about her divorce and she wishes they would stop hassling her and just give her a hug. Besides Tamra and Emily, the other women are quick to judge.

WHERE IS GINA’S CASSEROLE???

Oh good, the chaotic sh*t show has relocated to Turtle’s parents’ house. Emily’s kids are crying, screaming, banging on the piano, it’s so relaxing.

Weird they don’t have a “Kids Banging on Piano” setting on those sound machines used for relaxation?

Emily talks to Mama Turtle, who always looks like she’s about to go on stage in Luann’s Cabaret Train Wreck, about having another baby. She has 9 embryos frozen- and she would like to give the feral daughter a sister.

Parry is microscopic.

Mama Turtle reminds Emily that she almost died giving birth. Well, I mean that’s because Turtle was holding a pillow over her face because her breathing during labor got too loud. Emily had 5 miscarriages in four years. She lost twins at four months, net/net pregnancy isn’t easy for her.

Can’t Turtle just lay an egg in a nest on the beach somewhere? Surely, that would be easier. I see it in the National Geographic all the time.

Clear this scene. It’s sad and it’s about kids and MisRed has no interest in either.

I don’t do sadness. Not even a little bit.

In Philly, we see some shots of the city. They show the important stuff, like the statue of Rocky Balboa.

Screw the Liberty Bell, just take some pictures of Sly.

Tamra arrives at Shannon’s hotel and they meet in the lobby. Shannon asks after Eddie- she learned her lesson- apparently Eddie was back in the hospital, but the procedure seems to have been a success, spoiler alert, until next week.

Tamra is the size of a Hobbit.

Shannon thanks Tamra for her support. Tamra suggests that Shannon write out some bullet points for her appearance on QVC. Shannon thinks she is better off the cuff.

Kelly brings Jolie to an audition for “Oliver” at some theater school. Kelly says that when she was growing up, the theater kids were all dorks.

Little Bitches. Losers. Pussies. Twerps.

She tells us Jolie definitely takes after Michael with her musical theater aspirations. Oh yeah, Michael seems really theatrical- can’t you picture him playing Angel in RENT?

JUST JOLIE 2018!

We see all of these dorks, I mean, kids, going physical and vocal warm-ups, learning a dance number.

Kelly thinks it’s great for Jolie to have an outlet to express herself and this will give her confidence. Kelly says she didn’t take musical theater and she turned out okay.

Sure. Kelly is okay. LOL. Great. Who cares. Next scene please. Although, I am more inclinded to be interested in Jolie than any of the other kids. At least she doesn’t seem like a complete asshole.

Gina meets Vicki for coffee. Vicki says she feels bad that Gina left her house crying. Yeah, well, maybe if Vicki hadn’t told her she was going to burn in hell, the evening might have gone better. Just tossing out an idea. Vicki wants Gina to know that she is there for Gina- you know, to judge her.

Vicki interviews “Back in the day marriage was respected. This generation…It’s like changing shoes, like I’m gonna change partners.” Oh Vicki. I really can’t. Or in your case, changing MULTIPLE SHOES. You are in NO POSITION to judge ANYONE when it comes to relationships.

You drove Donn away. God knows what you did to your first husband. You helped a sub-human FAKE CANCER and then tried to profit from it, and you are now with a guy who faked being Latino, so he had a better chance at being elected into public office.

You are a disgrace to women. Hell, you are a disgrace to the human species. And all species.

Gina doesn’t look at divorce at being so terrible because for her relationship it’s not. Gina says it really hurt her feelings when Vicki said Gina didn’t have a moral compass.

Don’t put your failures on me, betch.

Vicki says she doesn’t even remember how that came out…

You know, I don’t actually THINK before I speak.

Well, let’s think…. You had, probably, just finished blowing Domenico in the powder room… then you opened your stupid mouth and started judging Gina for not upholding her marriage vows- kind of how you didn’t ALSO VICKI …. TWICE. And the only reason is wasn’t FOUR times is because Brooks and Steve won’t marry you.

Why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free? The milk, the cheese, the yogurt, the herb cream cheese that’s oozing out of Shannon’s Real for Real Salmon entrée, the hamburger, the short ribs, the hanger steak, the flank steak, the skirt steak, the ground chuck, the bovine tongue, the cube steak, the tripe, the rump roast…

Vicki says she worries about Gina’s kids and Gina shouldn’t be so selfish. Gina says she doesn’t feel like she is being selfish, she is doing this for her kids and is making a rational decision. Gina says she understands Vicki has been through bad divorces- Vicki interjects that she broke Donn’s heart.

Oh please. Any heartbreak Donn had was INSTANTLY erased once he got that big fat check from Vicki. Donn was doing the happy dance all over OC. Ding Dong the Witch is Dead!!

Gina thinks that Vicki shouldn’t feel regret for her choices because she claims she is in such a great place now. Yes, Vicki CLAIMS she is so happy with Steve the CCFL.

Vicki says she wishes she could turn back the clock and put more of an effort into her marriage and had been a better wife. Vicki, that would require you to, a) be an entirely DIFFERENT person and b) it would take several surgeons and people combing through a lot of medical waste to go back to Vicki’s Face 7.0.

Vicki, you are incapable of change. Or growth. Or improvement.

Gina thinks Vicki is too hard on herself. No, Gina, she isn’t. She needs to be much MUCH harder on herself. Because she’s killing me.

Vicki apologizes to Gina and offers her support and then whips out a casserole. Just kidding. Only Vicki gets casseroles. she hands Gina some iceberg lettuce filled with chopped chicken left over from PF Changs…

Vicki interviews that Gina thinks nothing is going to change- that she’s going to continue to live in her house and go shopping and put her kids in all of the camps, and nothing is going to change financially. “Gina doesn’t work, just the way Shannon doesn’t work. And Kelly doesn’t work. So, these women are solely dependent upon their husbands or ex-husbands.”

Yup, but you know what NONE of those women did? Get a hillbilly new teeth while helping him fake cancer. Everything is money to Vicki. It is so vapid and gross.

Vicki says she has to go to work. Gina says she should probably come in and talk to her about insurance. Vicki says she will need to because Gina’s husband is going to cancel her off the group and it’s going to cost Gina $1,000 a month for medical insurance, but don’t worry Vicki would only make $12 off of her a month.

If someone can arrange for an asteroid to hit Vicki, that would be great. Thanks.

Does Sophie really have a Chanel bag? Ugh.

In Philly, Tamra, Shannon and Sophie discuss Shannon’s appearance and how she’s nervous. Kelly is having a viewing party for Shannon’s appearance.

Let’s try to ruin Terry and Heather’s product launch.

Then they talk about Heather’s appearance on Evine and how they called in and ruined it.

Then Tamra says she saw a picture of David’s new ride.

Not new. Pre-owned. And that’s putting it kindly.

Oh, sorry, no, David bought a Porsche. Cliché. Sophie took it out without permission and f*cked up one of the mirrors. She’s a good kid- let’s all give her a high five. David took Sophie’s car away from her as punishment, but she said she will just go to his house when he’s at work and take it back. Tamra says “Omg, I would kick your ass.”

Oh yeah Tamra. Look at Ryan- the product of your ass kickings.

Another throw-away scene. This episode is nothing but throw-away scenes.

This is how to cook your product, Shannon.

It’s Shannon’s big day and she arrives at QVC. She gets ready and they review what’s going to happen on the show. Whether Shannon is going to take the food out of the microwave or the host will do it? Great. Fascinating. Shannon is excited, and she wants her daughters to be proud.

Ultimately, they decide that Shannon isn’t capable of taking the food out of the microwave. Shannon does a little dry run, at FULL VOLUME, and of course they are live on the set that is literally 2 feet away. They tell her to shut up.

It’s time for Kelly’s viewing party for Shannon’s debut.

Is he 12? Or younger?

Kelly has some guy named Jack, who looks like he’s 12, helping her unwrap some fruit trays from Fresh Market.

Kelly went all out.

Sweet Jesus. What in the actual f*ck is going on a Kelly’s house.

Hey Kelly, not every surface has to be covered with something shiny.

Her interior design skills are, um, atrocious. And she must be stopped.

Yes, someone did this to a wall on purpose.

Maybe that’s why Jack is there- to do a homosexual-interior-design-intervention. He has 4 friends coming over later to burn Kelly’s apartment to the ground. It is LITERALLY hurting MisRed’s eyes.

Kelly facetimes Shannon- apparently Kelly styled Shannon’s outfit. So, is Shannon wearing a white pleather sofa, a monkey fur pillow and a crystal encrusted decanter from Ross Dress for Less, and a string of Edison Bulb lights as a necklace?

Seriously, don’t lift a finger.

Really Kelly, you are having 3 people for lunch, you can’t use ceramic plates and metal silverware? She does, however, have 17 bottles of wine for each person.

Everyone chit chats and does a zillion toasts. Gina informs us that she saw her parent kiss and it grossed her out. Not to be outdone, Kelly says she once walked in on her dad performing cunnilingus on that Lopsided Bag of Hair that gave birth to Kelly. Christ on a bike, we did not need this information!!!

Have Tammy Sue slap on the hooker eye shadow.

Back at QVC Shannon is getting ready to go on air and is freaking out a little. She informs us that she is sweating to death. I totally would be too. She gets to the set and doesn’t manage to, like fall down or anything.

Tamra is nervous because Shannon’s first inclination is to be negative. We flashback to sometime earlier when Shannon was, kind of, planning her spiel, and she was running her ideas by Tamra, the business mogul. And Shannon wanted to mention that she’s been on an emotional roller coaster and mention her weight gain. Tamra nixes these ideas. In fairness, Shannon could have been like “As we get older, many women struggle with their weight and making healthy choices…” or something like that.

Tamra is like- don’t be a betch, betch.

Shannon gets on camera and is like “I have been on an emotional roller coaster since my, soon to be EX, husband David Beador started having an affair!! And then I gained 40 pounds because Vicki Gunvalson started spreading rumors and allegations about my marriage and it cause me to eat. All I wanted to do was EAT ALL THE TIME. I was having 200-250 negative thoughts per day. And then Meghan King Edmonds called my PERSONAL cell phone and told me I had judgy eyes. Well I told her- Miss 30-Year-old- a thing or two. And then there was Peggy and she really tested me with her nebulous description of her “3 millimeters of the cancer” and she implied that I couldn’t trust my husband! Well that just sent me into a nacho-eating tail spin. And then Tim, my evil trainer/ doctor made me take off my shirt, so he could photograph my fat and all he kept saying was ‘Wow. Wow.’ And NOT in a good way. And then Kelly Dodd, she is the one who really pushed me over the edge. Yes, Kelly, it was YOU!!! WHO? IT WAS YOU!!! Then she told me I needed to pluck my chin hairs and called me Mrs. Roper. Can you believe it? And then David’s mother told everyone that I DROVE David to have the affair. I never drive him anywhere. And that asshole just got a brand-new Porsche- but he complains about having to pay me $22k / month- which has to cover my water bill. WATER?!? CAN YOU IMAGINE HAVING TO PAY FOR WATER? But really, it’s Vicki and David who are the main sources of my pain. Vicki aligned herself with someone who Faked Cancer. Can you imagine? She helped him forge documents from City or Hope and…do you know what a report from Newport Imaging looks like…. well, let me tell you, they didn’t know. Not even CLOSE. And now David sends me these texts telling me that I’m a fat, lazy, useless bitch!!! And….”

QVC Host: “So sorry, we are out of time.”

Seriously, Shannon just talks a little about the fact that the meals are low calorie, but the herb cream cheese just OOZES out to cover the rice.

I’m sorry but MisRed would HOUSE this.

She drops her note card and squats down to retrieve it, which, of course Tamra made a big deal over. But she does fine. She’s a little nervous, and she grabs her fat roll on camera.

Rolling. Rolling. Rolling on a River.

She’s a little kooky and unpolished, but that’s Shannon. Tamra is embarrassed because Shannon mentions, if you make sensible choices during the week, it allows you to enjoy a cocktail or two on the weekend. Tamra is like- DON’T SAY THAT!!! Well, yeah, Tamra would know. Remember when her meal kits sold out on QVC? Yeah, me either. Go wax that warped floor MissKnowItAll.

Jack is the only one remotely interested.

The sales go very well, and she sells out, I think. 1,100 units sold in 8-1/2 minutes. Good for her. Shannon is proud of herself even though she feels she didn’t get all of the information out.

Stella’s text says, “Bring home Pabst Blue Ribbon and Pork Rinds. Hmmm.”

She gets a ton of texts- even one from Adeline saying, “So Proud.” Then David texts her and reminds her that her ass looks like herb cream cheese oozing out of her pants. Oh yeah, and she’s a lazy, fat bitch.

Just kidding. He didn’t call her lazy this time.

We don’t want your kind over here at QVC.

Back in Cali, Vicki tries to call QVC and order Shannon’s meals and tells the operator who she is, and they hang up on her. Can we find out who that was? I’d like to send a letter to the President of QVC recommending some type of Employee of the Year Award.

So mature.

Then Kelly calls QVC- and speaks in a very low, deep southern accent, pretending to be Vicki, and they hang up on her too.

Kelly says she doesn’t understand because she sounded just like Vicki. Vicki says, “You were so convincible.”

MisRed is starting a Go Fund Me for Vicki to take some English as a Second Language courses, and maybe get her a F*CKING dictionary.

Shannon Facetimes the other ladies and they decide they need a girl’s trip to celebrate Shannon’s success. Well, these trips always go great, so why not? Who will be driven to near suicide this time?

Next week, Vicki tells Michael that he needs to get his girlfriend pregnant. “I would say by 32, we should be pregnant.”

How about you mind your own business for a change, Vicki? Something tells me Michael is in no rush to have a baby, especially one that would be located on the same planet as Vicki.

Steve, when are you taking her for another”motorcycle ride?”

He’s been there, he knows. Thank God he just ignores her 99.9% of the time.

Turtle puts the kibosh on Emily having another baby. He says he wants to be 6 feet tall but that’s not going to happen either.

Ehhh, if you are going to wish for stuff, maybe go for an entirely new personality.

Gina steals my look.

Who wore it better?

MisRed heard a rumor last night – the episode was 90 minutes. I was like Nooooooooooooo!! But then I saw this morning that Mandy Cohen was just trying to shove Jerry O’Connell down our throats. He isn’t Cherry Pez, mofo.

Is this season actually WORSE than last season? I didn’t think Piggy and Dicko could be topped. At least Gina has a storyline- Emily just stands around smelling poop. Can someone slip Vicki the Ebola Virus? That would be a big help. And Kelly needs some kind of decoration intervention. Get Jeff Lewis over there to PURGE. Speaking of purging… gotta go, MisRed has a stomach virus. Love you guys!!! Drop me a comment to relay your thoughts on this sh*t show!!

Hey Trashies! Brief programming note: this recap and the next are/will be posted Saturday evenings because I’m traveling for STUPID WORK, and the WiFi at the Hampton Inn is shoddy as is without me streaming Bravo on a laptop and Googling stuff that leads me to restricted sites. I guess I need to hire a nanny for these recaps! Speaking of, this episode was kind of a dud: a reminder that these dummies are getting restless but are between fights, and somehow need to manufacture new ones out of thin air. That said, it entailed dogs and children (with their own nefarious scandals afoot), so all is not lost. Come with me as we dive into the lesser-known intrigues of The Real Housewives of Dallas.

We open pretty much right where we left off, right on the heels of This Bitch and Court’s depressing, mid-century gender-charged talk about business (specifically, how collecting business cards at a convention is not the same as doing a good job in business). They’re moving into the kitchen to have a Spanish cooking lesson with their children who are sponsored by Expedia: Hilton and Cruise.

Optically, this is a pretty benign – if not good – scene for This Bitch. She and Court are actively participating in something with their kids instead of outsourcing the activity to a nanny, and This Bitch is going on and on about how she really wants her kids to know Spanish. The whole time I was right on the edge of my seat waiting for her to say something clueless and racist, but she didn’t! This Bitch explains that a lot of countries in the world speak Spanish and she wants her children to be able to communicate with them. How refreshingly global and not gentrified of her. Damn, This Bitch, you get my Most Unlikely Source of Grace Award this week.

This Bitch also talks about how she’s been on this Spanish thing with them since they were babies, so little Hilton is practically fluent at this point, and even speaks with a proper dialect and everything.

This is like the eighth time this kid has worn that headband so I think I’m gunna change her name to Pom-Pom

What’s also kind of good about the Spanish lessons is that This Bitch barely knows any Spanish herself, so you know that she’s only instilling it in her kids for their own good and not hers. I mean, she’s seriously bad. She’s like at the level I am (“gato” is cat and “perro” is dog and “puta” is most women on this show), but at least I know how to pronounce the words. She’s the kind of person who calls that chicken restaurant “El Polo Loco” and asks for a “kaysa-dill-uh” when she gets there.

All in all, it’s a sweet scene, minus Court’s frequent jokes about This Bitch burning the house down (guys, this joke is unoriginal and way more sexist than you think it is) and him daring his wife to shove a whole cupcake in her mouth.

“Girl you are writing bloggers’ jokes for them when you accept a challenge from a dude to fit something in your mouth.” – Romina

One more positive thing from this scene is a new interview look for This Bitch, which is also working in her favor.

It’s not the best (lots of early-2000s prom going on here), but it doesn’t look like what a librarian would wear to a royal wedding and also she doesn’t have condoms on her ears, so… B+! Way to break out of your comfort zone, This Bitch.

Speaking of terrible dressers, let’s check in with D’Andra and her ugly expensive blazers!

On a scale of one to bonfire, how flammable do you think D’Andra’s closet is?
My guess is “Waco Siege”

D’Andra briefly checks in with Koen, the stepson she hasn’t fucked up a relationship with.

For context, D’Andra reminds us that last year she totally burned all ties she and Jeremy had with Jeremy’s other son, Keatin, who is a sentient beanie with no identity and a dependent, parasitic relationship with people’s couches.

D’Andra (and Jeremy, question mark) kicked Keatin out when he showed no commitment to getting a job or an education, but I’m not entirely convinced that Keatin and Koen aren’t actually just the same lanky ass twenty-something with interchangeable hipster/prep costumes. Like, if Koen is Snoopy, Keatin is Spike: just draw the same dog but give one a five-o-clock shadow and a dirty hat and a listless expression. Regardless of the logistics, the Good One is here! The one who wears Vineyard Vines tees and wants to transfer to a college in Dallas and loiter around the kitchen smiling at everyone while he makes sandwiches! Oh thank god, D’Andra thinks: “with Koen I have the chance to start over and try this again!”

D’Andra’s hoping that the bond she develops with Jeremy’s kids will fill “the void” of not having kids.

Hey, speaking of motherhood!…

… my ovaries just withered away!

Dee pulls up D’Andra’s drive and walks out of the car looking like a member of the fucking Volturi. She rings D’Andra’s doorbell and I’m immediately reminded of this scene from Christmas Vacation.

D’Andra tells us that it’s been four weeks since she and D’Andra have spoken on account of their fight, and we get probably the 40th iteration of a scene that the Bravo editors really seem to love, which is Dee telling D’Andra “you can sell [your business] on the street; I don’t really give a rip what you do.”

D’Andra, her ugly blazer, and her mom sit down for a “business meeting.”

She calmly starts out by recapping how she’s got to sever business ties from Dee and start over from scratch, but quickly breaks down in tears and cries about how she’s tired of being stressed and angry, and she’s scared of losing the relationship with her one living parent.

With all the emotion she can muster (which is about 2 mg, diluted in a hogs head of bourbon and fiber pills), Dee admits that she’s in the same boat. She confesses that D’Andra is all she has and fighting about the company with her isn’t worth the risk of losing her. So fine, whatever, Dee concludes, shrugging her shoulders cavalierly: “you can keep building the company; I don’t need it.” Wow, thanks? That’s so… sweet? The tired, 77-year-old ox that is Dee also adds that her empire is now 100% in D’Andra’s control.

D’Andra asks her mom what brought about the change of heart. Dee, kindly veering from the obvious (which is, “I’m old as fuck and I’d rather sit by a pool getting drunk with gay men than be chained behind a desk for your stupid reality show”), just pops up and asks why D’Andra just can’t be happy and thankful in return. D’Andra says she’s in shock. “Well so am I!” Dee responds, “but I’m happy shocked!” Methinks this also translates to there’s a surprise from the IRS waiting down the line, so have fun with that, daughter mine.

Then Dee gets a rather unprecedented talking head of her own:

Dee says that when she handed the keys to D’Andra last year, she knew D’Andra wasn’t ready for them (then why’d you do it…?) but now she realizes that micromanaging her company isn’t worth losing her relationship with her daughter. She praises D’Andra’s business prowess but says with zero confidence that the business could either succeed famously or “fall flat on its face.” Read: have you been paying attention bitches? I’m old and I want that Mai Tai already. Who cares what happens from here.

D’Andra and her mom reach a happy conclusion and shake on being mother-daughter again; Dee even cracks one *tiny* little tear for her only child (if you were watching closely, it was a little dandelion spore that escaped from her tear duct, then let off a dusty “pop” as it evaporated into thin air). Dee also says that she’ll have her lawyers draw up the papers, which D’Andra is desperate to sign to ensure Dee makes good on her promise. Which is great. Because we all know how well contracts work out on the Real Housewives.

Stephanie brings her kids to a hip hop dancing class. They’ve been loading up on sugary sodas so get ready for them to be totally invested and attentive and for this to go perfectly well.

We find out that Cruz is an amateur break dancer:

… which means he’s only the second little white boy on Bravo to show an interest in urban dance stylings. LOL, remember on the first season of New York when LuAnn was still pretending to be an uppity bitch countess and invited a break dancing coach over to her gaudy townhouse for Noel and thought that somehow humanized her? Simpler times. By the way, when I was trying to find a video for it, I ran into this blog post about Noel, who is now making his own music and released a song in 2015 hilariously titled “Covered in Pam.”

Despite lyrics about Heinz Tomato Ketchup, the song is actually pretty good for an 18-year-old. God, LuAnn’s kids and their insistently divergent *artsiness* are so bizarre.

Anyway, back to Stephanie and hers. With Travis away for six weeks, she’s trying to distract herself and the kids with fun things like this dance lesson. Most of it is for Cruz, who during his battle with dyslexia and learning disabilities, hasn’t been excited about much in the past year. He’s painfully shy and sweet, and Stephanie really seems to be killing herself as she tries to bring him out of his shell and awaken his passion.

They all do a quick routine…

… but it all goes to shit when Chance terrorizes his poor little brother and YANKS HIS SHIRT OFF, WTF.

Guys, Chance is kind of a little asshole! And this scene is all super heartbreaking. Because try as she might, Stephanie can’t get Chance to listen or apologize, and he’s just sitting there making faces at his mom as Cruz is crying and humiliated (remember, this all happened in front of a camera).

Stephanie admits that this is her nightmare; that this is what she was afraid would happen when Travis was away: that she’d lose control of the kids, and then get anxious about losing control of everything else, and then Travis will come home to a house in shambles and she’ll spiral even further into a fit of depression.

What a knee slapper this episode is!

Over at LeeAnne’s house, I just invented a spinoff show called LeeAnne Talks To Her Dog Who Definitely Did Not Just Eat A Whole Plate Of Deli Meat She Stole Off The Kitchen Counter:

I would not mind if the rest of the episode was 29 minutes of this.

While LeeAnne’s wedding planning, This Bitch calls her to invite her to the centerpiece event of the episode, which is a Paint Your Dog Party.

Like LeeAnne, I’m immediately put on alert because I’m assuming This Bitch wants to snatch all the dogs and do that cruel thing where you dye them wacky colors to look like a giraffe or a tiger or a Pikachu or some shit.

… but no, it’s more of a sip-and-paint class where the ladies will drink wine and paint canvases of their dogs’ portrait. Which is actually my idea of a perfect party. Except both dogs and kids are invited, which sounds to LeeAnne like a scene out of 300.

Rich comes in and he and LeeAnne talk about boring wedding stuff like guest lists and tuxes and the ceremony, Rich just chuckling in his half-stoned, half-overwhelmed way.

LeeAnne tells him she thinks they’ll spend about $250,000 on the affair and Rich has a heart attack so bad he needs to put an eye patch on his aorta. Then LeeAnne laments the fact that she can’t get D’Andra to help her with the wedding, which is sad since she was D’Andra’s own maid of honor.

For the second time this season, Rich just rolls his eyes and goads LeeAnne to just call the woman. I gotta say, Rich is not the worst Househusband. Yes, he does call all of LeeAnne’s social woes “stupid girl stuff,” but he could be worse. He could be a Joe Giudice and just tell his wife to shut the fuck up and mumble out some angry fatigue before he goes to load his body with 87 chiantis of wine and crack his teeth on some marble (then phone up the secretary he’s banging and call his wife the C-word). Or he could be one of the guys on the OC, who see these shows as personal pissing matches to see who’s the richest misogynist with the biggest dick. But not Rich. Rich is sweet and good-humored.

Oh my god I’m in love with Rich Emberlin. Murder me.

Anyway, LeeAnne calls D’Andra and gets her voicemail. She cries, and then Everyone’s Boyfriend Rich Emberlin consoles her so she doesn’t feel bad.

i luh u rich

There’s a boring scene with Cary and her family at her parents’ house, talking about their home renovations and other enthralling subjects like corporate training seminars. It’s all just filler disguised as an excuse for a) Cary talking some more about her distant father, who seven episodes in we still have yet to see any evidence of or effect from, and b) PHOTO ALBUMS.

Cary shows her daughter Zuri pictures of her cousins, who still live in Copenhagen. She “thinks” that reconnecting with her father’s family in Denmark will bring her closer to her father, which is Bravo’s way of saying THESE BITCHES ARE GOING TO COPENHAGEN!!!!

… so yeah, look forward to the cast trip in 2-3 episodes’ time. At first I was gunna say Beverly Hills did it first, but then I realized I was thinking of Amsterdam. I am so racist about those Northern Europeans!

By the way, I love the way Zuri says “Copenhagen” in her tiny little 5-year-old voice and then kisses the pictures of the cousins she’s never met. She’s the anti-Chance.

Oh god. Remember all the good things I said about This Bitch in the beginning of this recap? Well, it’s time for the Dog Painting Party, where This Bitch will undo all of it. Ten fold.

First, she puts her dog in a god damn covered (pink, of course) baby stroller, saying: “Little dogs need strollers because they need to feel protected. Also, they get really tired walking long distances because little dogs have little legs and they don’t go very far.” She locks Louis in the stroller to “protect” him from any “mean doggies” who will show up.

I hope he does the same thing my cat does whenever I put her in a carrier, which is have diarrhea all over it.

I feel the need to point out that, in the face of “long distances,” This Bitch parked in the front of the building and walked maybe 10 feet to an elevator to get to the event space itself, and will not ONCE remove Louis from his stroller throughout this whole scene.

(One of the things I love most about the Dallas women is that they each and all have dogs. 13/10 would hang out.)

This Bitch explains that she hired a company called Bluprint, which is a paint-and-sip company with a painter who specializes in pet portraits. I don’t see the need as my babies are already PICTURE EFFING PERFECT.

LOOK AT MY BLUE RIBBON BEAUTIES ALL YOUR DOGS ARE FUG IN COMPARISON

This Bitch says she chose the dog guy because she “loves dogs,” which is rich considering that she doesn’t even treat her own dog… like a dog, and thinks that animals who are notoriously rumored to be color blind would be interested in pink kibble.

This Bitch then gets to work on setting out her array of pink dog food, nipple cupcakes, and pink flowers…

… and welcomes in the FUCKING STRING QUARTET she hired to play at this event (because “classical music is good for both children and dogs”) (citation needed).

“da fuq” – dis guy

D’Andra shows up first and ties her Griffons to a wheeled cart, like an idiot.

As This Bitch tries to show off by talking about her art major degree (which she ditched in favor of marrying a rich dude), LeeAnne shows up with Carly, The Dog Who Definitely Did Not Get Into The Trash And Spread It All Over The House While You Were Out.

… and D’Andra’s airtight system of securing her pooches fails when they drag the rolling cart of supplies across the room to bark their heads off at Carly, The Dog Who Definitely Did Not Get In A Fight With Your Couch And Littered The Living Room With Its Entrails.

D’Andra explains that she’s been purposefully ignoring LeeAnne’s phone calls and texts and plans on ignoring her at this party. Mature!

This Bitch, explaining that “it’s important to have family time,” is psyched to see her kids show up SEPARATELY with their au pair. They run straight to see their dog in his mesh jail and say absolutely nothing to their mother in the way of a greeting.

Stephanie and her kids and Cary, her purse dog, and Zuri show up next. And we learn of a SECRET ILLICIT ROMANCE blooming right under our very noses OMG.

Zuri and Cruise, sitting in a tree!

Meanwhile, we learn that Brandi finally caved and hired a nanny:

… but still resorts to rubbing whiskey on Bruin’s gums when he’s getting a little rowdy:

The nanny gets the kid to sleep in five minutes flat.

… so Brandi goes out to pick up her other screaming terrors, Brinkley and Brooklyn.

They flop around and holler in the back of the car, not even sitting in car seats, and moan and whine and mess with the cameras.

Take it from Brandi: “Thank god I have a nanny, because if I had to drive with these two tiny bitches and Bruin I would drive myself off a cliff.” Hahaha. Told you you should’ve delegated. She shows up to the Painting Party and flatly announces that she is not in the mood for it and today is NOT the day. Great, I’m psyched to watch Brandi sulk.

Adam, the artist, opens things up and gets everyone to start paintin!

Brandi “draws Pacman” and then says fuck it, she’s done:

This Bitch criticizes D’Andra’s painting, but only because D’Andra is doing a way better job than everyone else:

Finally, Zuri may have misunderstood the assignment, but at least she’s a free spirit:

This Bitch thinks her painting is the best, because duh. And also, no.

Apparently I’m wrong and This Bitch did let Louis out of his stroller, giving him at least the opportunity to do this right in front of the string quartet:

Let’s go back to the Real Housekids of Dallas and the LOVE OF WHICH DARE NOT BE SPOKEN:

Guys, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE. Why aren’t we following this???! What is happening between Cruise and Zuri? Why is his scheming sister trying to drive a rift betwixt them? WHAT DOES CRUISE NEED TO TELL ZURI????!!!!!!! I need more information! Please tell me we’ll follow up on this.

(careful Zuri, this is how I ended up moving in with a gaming addict)

LeeAnne eats a nipple cupcake which were actually for the dogs, and The Dog Who Definitely Doesn’t Take Advantage Of Human Parties To Slip Tasties Off The Dessert Table sympathizes with her.

Stephanie tells Brandi that she’s made plans to have lunch with This Bitch and LeeAnne, and Brandi is so mentally checked out at this point that she just stares vacantly ahead, scratching her wedgie, and is all, whatever. And I sort of feel the same way. And even though Brandi’s exhaustion makes this show boring AF, I find her the most sympathetic woman of the series. It’s like someone just plucked a random woman off the street and said, here, do Housewives. And the random woman was like, OK, but I have a few episodes of Firefly to get back to. [gets in fight, thinks of Nathan Fillion]

LeeAnne is thoroughly bored with this event, and overwhelmed by the kid-friendly ease of it all, and starts stalking the room with her eyes, like a maniacal panther. She needs drama, and she needs it now. So, remembering Cary’s new policy of spreading unilateral gossip, she pulls her into a one-on-one conversation:

… and asks her flatly to spill the dirt on all the shit people have been saying behind LeeAnne’s back. It’s so mechanical. It’s LeeAnne, defaulting to this militant, aggressive predator, using Cary, who has sworn to now act as a robotic truth teller. I agree with Anonosaurus: “Cary is kind of annoying with this immediately-tell-what-someone-told-me-in-confidence. If someone is sharing their feelings, I don’t know why she needs to tell the other person.”

But, absent of a story line (aside the one she seems to have plucked out of nowhere about her deadbeat dad), this is Cary’s modus operandi now, so blab she will. “I’m not a gossip,” she interviews. LOL, shut up Cary. Frothily telling everyone everything someone said behind their backs is the definition of a gossip.

Cary relays that Stephanie said LeeAnne is really sweet and a nice person. LeeAnne beams gleefully. This Bitch hasn’t said anything. Cary tells LeeAnne about her talk with Brandi at spa day, where Brandi suggested that LeeAnne is “in Kameron’s ear.” LeeAnne argues and Cary nods supportively. So there, I guess we got this stalled train back on its track and Dallas can keep on chugging. I hate that it had to be this forced, but whatever?

After all the kids and This Bitch’s nanny leave, LeeAnne heaves a sigh of relief and admits that having all those children around was like “birth control on steroids.”

She tells This Bitch that Stephanie wants to grab lunch this week as D’Andra, the only other woman left at this point, listens on awkwardly and finishes the best painting of the day:

LeeAnne notices her chill, and walks out, saying in her interviews “Bye Felicia.” Just a reminder to white women: if you’re going to appropriate this phrase, at least do it correctly. It’s not a synonym for “ciao.”

But apparently D’Andra did end up answering LeeAnne’s texts after all, as she eventually meets LeeAnne for coffee, terribly dressed as ever:

D’Andra tells LeeAnne that she had a good meeting with Dee but doesn’t want to share details until paperwork is signed; LeeAnne confesses that she’s sorry that she’s not there to support or “protect” D’Andra. (from what? what’s she going to do? pin Dee to a spinning board and throw knives at her?) (note: LeeAnne, please arrange this)

Once they sit down, D’Andra tells LeeAnne that she doesn’t think LeeAnne is being completely open about things; that when LeeAnne chooses not to share negative information she deflects negative attention back on D’Andra (case in point: the $200 rumor). I mean, with LeeAnne, that seems fair, but doesn’t D’Andra realize that you can’t force depression or anxiety out of someone? D’Andra presses on this exact issue and demands to know whether or not LeeAnne is getting married this year, or 2020, or 2025, or whatever. LeeAnne tries to shut the line of questioning down by announcing she and Rich are looking at “November of this year,” probably calculating when this season’s Reunion will air. “Or this spring!” she adds, buying herself time.

D’Andra, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH ANY OF THESE THINGS ON YOUR PERSON

D’Andra keeps obnoxiously needling, asking if LeeAnne is worried that Rich has been married a billion times, asking if she’s worried that Rich will be unfaithful. Why this is a concern of D’Andra’s is anyone’s guess, but nonetheless, LeeAnne looks off into the distance with a long pregnant pause like this:

Then, to be especially awful, D’Andra reminds LeeAnne that LeeAnne and Rich frequently go out alone, separately (or, in LeeAnne’s opinion, she goes out a lot while Rich stays home), and that leaves the space open for Rich to cheat. LeeAnne is caught off guard. She’s defensive and insists that she knows her fiance, but still, what a shitty thing for D’Andra to have thrown in LeeAnne’s face.

Listen, I just got out of a nearly year-and-a-half long relationship with someone who had another girlfriend the entire time. A whole extra existence (or “leading a separate life,” as D’Andra would call it) and never once did I suspect anything until the moment I found the breathtaking, overwhelming dump of evidence in one small Facebook post. Yes, people can cheat and get away with it. That said, it’s not natural to automatically assume that having your own life apart from your partner is a reason to start digging, to start questioning the entire relationship. I literally knew nothing until a neon sign on social media beckoned me to investigate, and I never thought I had to. And I will go on dating men (when I’m ready, good lord are dating apps tiresome) and I won’t be automatically suspicious of them because normal, good people DO NOT CHEAT. Bad people cheat, but there are less bad people in the world than there are good. LeeAnne is right to give Rich his space, and vice versa. This is not a cause for Inquisition, and pardon me, but fuck D’Andra for planting that seed in LeeAnne’s brain.

And screw me, maybe this will come back to bite me in the ass, but I believe LeeAnne: Rich is a homebody. I mean have you seen this dude?

He’s like an EZ Chair come to life as a real boy. Somehow I don’t believe he’s shuttling floozies into their bedroom while she’s gone.

While LeeAnne insists that she and Rich “respect one another,” D’Andra (who admits that she was with someone she willfully allowed to cheat) alleges that “when you’ve been with someone that long you have to know.” OK, so here’s another thing: if Rich slipped in the NINE YEARS that he’s been with LeeAnne, maybe who cares? Maybe LeeAnne knows and like D’Andra in her previous relationship, she doesn’t give a shit? This entire conversation reeks of Mind Your Own Business: LeeAnne and Rich are, as LeeAnne says, one of the “most solid” couples in Dallas, and definitely on this franchise, and if it’s in spite of or thanks to a little bit of sexual leeway I’m not going to judge it.

LeeAnne begs D’Andra to be supportive of her, to which D’Andra doubles down on the idea that LeeAnne is hiding something, and LeeAnne just stares around with shifty eyes. And that’s where the episode ends. Yay for Detective D’Andra and the ubiquitous concept of sisterhood?

Next Week: Our requisite OBGYN coverage is met when Stephanie gets her vagina lazered.

Cary spread gossip for LeeAnne and hurray it worked:

D’Andra wears another ugly jacket, too.

And there’s… some sort of 80s prom? Honestly I have no idea what’s happening here.

… but people reliably get in fights:

… because that’s all this show is: a reflection of us. Rabid, passionate, angry animals with white hot blood pumping through our veins. We’re constantly at war with ourselves, trying to temp down the fire in our bellies, suffocating it with the good, decent waters of our souls that make us be good. Deflating in sorrow as those waters hiss out into vapor, and deflating even further when we watch the fire in others lick across our epitaphs. Yes, she talked about me. Yes, they’re laughing at me. Yes, he’s sleeping around behind me. But that’s just the way they are. That’s just the way we are. At our core, we’re only burning, feral flames, fiercely appealing to one another to be good. To see it our way instead of yours. To not take that thing just because you can. We’re beggin of you. We’re beggin all of you.

Hello my people!!! How is everyone doing? Last week was a very stressful week to live in the good ole’ US of A, am I right? Everyone ready to decompress with a gaggle of betches who never take life- even the tiniest minutia of life- too seriously? Oh, wait, sorry I am talking about the wrong show. We are to talk RHOC not- Locked-up: Women Behind Bars. No, these are just women who sit their behinds at bars.

Eh, not the greatest pun, but it’s early, cut MisRed some slack. She’s still recovering from A Star is Born.

No joke, there was a woman hunched over the sink in the bathroom, unable to move, in tears. Apparently, the ending got to her. It’s the same ending in every other version of A Star is Born, but this time it’s Bradley Cooper. The whole movie, I just wanted to give Coop- that’s what I call him because we are buddies, you know- a bath. He did an amazing job of being sweaty and looking like he smelled like a mixture of whiskey, desperation, regret, multiple sessions of sweating and drying and cigarettes, with just a whiff of vomit. But go see it if you haven’t. Then you can be like MisRed and have The Shallow stuck in your head for days on end.

Back to people with considerable LESS talent and skill, the “ladies” (and I use that term loosely) of Orange County.

Shannon grabs her pork loin

If you will recall, last week, Shannon had a very successful appearance on QVC. QVC hung up on Vicki. Emily is pressuring the Turtle into having another baby. Gina is upset about her divorce and is unsure if she is making the right decision.

Great. Who cares? Let’s get started.

The show opens with a workout montage.

The quintessential workout montage

Over at Emily’s house, she and Gina are working out with a trainer named JaRon. His parents probably named him Ron, but he didn’t think that sounded cool enough.

Emily’s dog, I think his name is F*ckFace, is running around, getting underfoot- completely ruining the work-out. I love dogs, but you are paying this guy to work you out and your dog is underfoot being a little dick. Either the dog is going to get hurt or one of you is going to get hurt. Punt that little rat out into the back yard- or make The Turtle keep it occupied for 45 minutes.

We see Kelly working out, doing Pilates, which of course she is turning into “dirty, horny, cougar Pilates.”

That’s the rumor.

We see ARCHIE!!!!! Oh, and Shannon. Her trainer, Steven, is massaging her calf.

Shannon is wearing legging made from 50% Spandex, 50% Archie Fur.

Oh, and Shannon. Her trainer, Steven, is massaging her calf. It’s hard to see in this picture but her leggings are COVERED in dog hair. LOL

MisRed loves her some Archie, but whenever I see him, I think to myself… omg, all of that dog hair. MisRed used to housesit for 3 Goldens and they were beautiful- they also ate a raw diet, which was a little unusual back then- but the hair was INSANE. I used to keep my work clothes in my car and, no joke, get dressed in the driveway. Lint roller, you say? Uh, there is not a lint roller invented to handle that amount of hair.

Can you make mine with extra Windex? Thanks.

Emily offers to make Gina a smoothie… with some Windex and Whipped Chemical Dessert topping, currently being stored in the Fruit Bowl.

Not exactly fruit. Not exactly whipped creme either.

Gina says she is happy for Shannon’s QVC session, but still doesn’t really know Shannon- and Shannon has made no effort to get to know her. Emily says she texted Shannon before her QVC show, but Shannon didn’t text back.

Oh god, cue TEXT GATE from the RHONY. Have Bethenny pull out her texts and shove them in your face.

BOOYAH, BETCH!

Gina says she has texted Shannon a couple of times too, and Shannon doesn’t text back.

Well Shannon has a PERSONAL CELL PHONE. Not sure if you knew that Miss 33-year old.

Both feel like they have to start over with Shannon every time they see her. They have to reintroduce themselves, etc. Emily is considering wearing a name tag. Gina interviews that Shannon is the sun and they are just revolve around her.

This blender sound should just be played over all of Gina’s dialogue.

Gina is trying to talk to Emily, but Emily keeps running the blender OVER Gina talking.

It reminds me of that Sandra Bernhard episode of Will & Grace where the blender drowns out Sandy’s curses. Oh, except this isn’t as funny.

Emily tells Gina she is going back to her fertility doctor because she has 9 embryos in storage. Oh, and she is also a lawyer, in case you forgot. The Turtle has made it clear he doesn’t want to have more children, but Emily wants her feral child to have a sister.

Did Nell have a sister? She seemed fine.

Emily says she is happy with the three kids she has- and they are so well behaved, and her household is not at all chaotic and the kids don’t sh*t everywhere and run roughshod all over the joint- but she just doesn’t know what to do about these 9 embryos.

If MisRed hears about these 9 goddamn embryos one more time…

Emily knows she can destroy them. But “The word destroy LITERALLY breaks my heart in half.” Perhaps a review of the word “literally” is in order before you feel qualified to make a decision as to what to do with these embryos. She is going to her doctor to discuss her options.

But seriously, she has 3 kids and 9 embryos- what did she think she was going to do? Have 12 children? I am sure this is heartbreaking, and I can’t imagine having embryos just sitting there. If it was MisRed, she would donate them to someone who needs them. Or donate them for research. Make an omelet, I don’t know. (Yes, I know embryos are different than eggs… it was a joke. A BAD joke. But a joke nonetheless.)

She should hook up with Tinsley.

Gina says she has decided what she is going to do with Matt. Oh good, because we don’t hear enough about this guy we’ve never met. Gina is going to rent a casita for the weekends, and she will just skedaddle whenever Matt comes home for the weekends, in an effort to not move the kids around. Emily says Gina isn’t mentally prepared to make a clean break with her husband and recommends Gina put a timeline to this arrangement, because they will need to make a break at some point. Gina is dragging her feet because she is scared.

Gina is bothered at the thought of being alone. She’s never been alone.

These two are boring. NEXT!

Meanwhile at Tamra’s she is making a pig’s ear of the English Language. Seriously, she and Vicki need to go to night school or something. She enters the kitchen and informs Eddie that Shannon is having a “celebatory” dinner that evening, so Tamra will be out. Eddie is like – THANK GOD, I mean, that’s too bad.

Sounds great. I’m just going to have a tall glass of this Thompson’s Water Seal and call it a night.

MisRed’s subtitles are giving Tamra the benefit of the doubt, but she is DEFINITELY mispronouncing CELEBRATORY. Eddie asks if Shannon is going to be celibate? Tamra says Shannon was celibate for most of her marriage.

Eddie decides, since they are on camera, to check his EKG. And he is in possible A-Fib. Shocking. Not literally.

My heart troubles coincided with my marriage to Tamra.

Tamra does her whole song and dance about Eddie being too young for this, blah, blah, blah.

Someone wrote on an OC live thread on Facebook last night “I wish Eddie would have a heart attack or get off the pot.” Yes, horrible sentiment, but I did LOL because it’s true. Not that we wish Eddie to have a heart attack, but if we are going to delve into this story, let’s DELVE into it. If they are trying to raise awareness for AFib then they need to do more than these random scenes. We delved deeper into Brooks’s fake cancer and Vicki’s Influenza B.

Hey, maybe it could be like one of those Thirtysomething moments… remember when we all thought Nancy was going to die from cancer but then Gary, randomly, just got hit and killed while riding his bike? Well in this scenario- let’s have Eddie be Nancy and Vicki can be Gary!

OKAY, too mean?

Vickisomething

Maybe Vicki doesn’t have to die, but maybe she can be in a full body cast- unable to speak- for, like, 15 years and when Doctor Drake Ramoray removes her bandages… Vicki will be back to her ORIGINAL FACE.

It will be the first Drama/Comedy/Horror Reality Show

At Shannon’s house, she is preparing 17 pork tenderloins for dinner with the girls. I’m exaggerating, but she is making four tenderloins for seven people. Maybe two are for Archie!

Archie’s Dinner

Oh, she’s probably feeding her kids too. Okay, I stand corrected. Three tenderloins for human consumption, one tenderloin for Archie consumption.

Shannon is in a tizzy, so, yeah, her typical self. She doesn’t know why she suggested having this dinner, she just got back from Philly late the evening before. But Shannon enlists Caitlin (a hired server) to peel some ginger.

“I’m saving myself for Luke Perry.”

Caitlin is like… whatever, as long as it helps me get on The Hills, I’m down.

The Man of the House

The doorbell rings- ARCHIE goes to answer It, such a good boy. It’s Tamra… and she’s wearing two regular shoes. Great. What a story arc! Bravo!!!!

Shannon is walking around barefoot and Tamra asks her if she’s going to put shoes on? She’s like- no, it’s my house, and I walk around barefoot.

Tamra gives Shannon compliments on her hair and skin. Of course, Shannon just can’t say “Thank you,” she has to be like- “Oh, this is called my I didn’t have time to do it hair. And my skin is just PULLED BACK with the ponytail.”

The DIY facelift

Emily arrives- and Shannon thinks it’s Kelly. LOL. Have another Chopin, Shannon. Emily interviews that she has really made an effort to get to know Shannon but isn’t optimistic because Shannon didn’t respond to her text from her QVC appearance.

Shannon hugs Emily and says, “Hi, I don’t have shoes on because it’s my house.” Great. Thanks for sharing, Shannon. You know Shannon goes over and over this minutia in her head, later, when everyone is gone. Why did Tamra ask me about wearing shoes? Why did Emily sound like Kelly when she came in? Why did I arrange this dinner for tonight? Will my pork tenderloin be cooked? Why is David dating someone 20 years younger than me? Why is Stella so much taller than Adeline?

Gina arrives and is like “Oh my GAWD, I didn’t know she had DAWGS.”

She has one dog. And why does Gina not know this? MisRed demands Archie be the first topic of conversation at all events!

Gina compliments Shannon’s house.

Then Vicki arrives. She also compliments her home but says “It’s cottagey. It’s dainty.” She might have said “dinky.” My subtitles didn’t pick up either. But when I listen to it with my eyes closed- you know, so my hearing improves- I think she said “DINKY.” Maybe I’m making that up, but regardless, Vicki sucks.

Vicki looks like a bruise.

Oh F*ck all the way off, Vicki. Really? The house is great, it’s not COTTAGEY. It’s a 4,000 square foot house, it’s a decent size home. Just because Shannon doesn’t have a mold-infested faux-stone grotto, that’s probably a forensic scientist’s wet dream with all of the disgusting sh*t that has probably gone down there, doesn’t mean you need to size shame Shannon’s house.

Why is MisRed so upset? Vicki TRIGGERS me.

Kelly finally arrives, and she CAN’T BELIEVE Tamra is wearing shoes.

Wanna know how my day was? Or what my kids ruined today?

Gina tries to make small talk with Shannon- and Shannon isn’t really being mean or nasty, she is just being typical Shannon when she has no interest in speaking to the other person. Gina interviews that she is trying SO HARD to be nice to Shannon- but Shannon didn’t even ask Gina how her day was?

Gina is overreacting a little, in my opinion. You are at a home where the host has 4 other guests and is trying to get a meal on the table, cut her some slack that she isn’t solely focused on YOU and YOUR day.

The girls toast Shannon’s success. Vicki tells Shannon how she tried to order, but the call got disconnected.

QVC hates Vicki too.

Tamra suggests they take a girl’s trip. Vicki suggests the Caribbean- Tamra has never been to the Caribbean. They somehow decide on Jamaica. ??? Listen, I have nothing against Jamaica, but there are four or five islands I would visit before going to Jamaica. Especially if I’m going on someone else’s dime, but Bravo must have gotten some kind of deal.

Vicki announces, “The last time I went to Jamaica, I was with Donn.” She clarifies this is NOT where she renewed her vows.

Remember when Donn received his Dementors Kiss

She says, “I remember the people are super-friendly, and I remember going down this…there’s a river, you can go on this river, and you can do these—these river things and you go like this with a stick in the river.”

And you push the stick through some wet stuff.

It’s called a paddle, jackass.

Why is Vicki so dumb? “You go like this with a stick in the river.” Vicki’s life is like a game of Password and the rest of us are unaware we are playing.

It’s called RAFTING Vicki, you stupid, stupid sloppy hag.

Tamra says everyone in Jamaica is friendly because they are stoned. Shannon asks who hasn’t been to Jamaica. Kelly raises her hands and says, “I’ve been to the Bahamas.”

Not the same place, dear.

Kelly says she is looking forward to the food and the HERB.

Shannon goes to check on the dinner, and Tamra helps. Vicki asks Gina and Emily, “What about you two and babysitters?” I’m sure they can both figure it out, Vicki, they don’t need your advice, judgement or your broken moral compass to help.

Gina’s eyeshadow. Honey no.

Of course, Gina gets upset because she and her husband had been planning a trip to Cabo and Gina had bought a bunch of vacation clothes- and yes, she can use them on this trip, but it wasn’t the trip she was planning on taking. She was planning on taking a trip with her husband and now she isn’t, blah blah blah.

I have these expensive bikinis that are going to be wasted on YOU!!!

Vicki interviews “It’s obvious Gina still loves her husband and has feelings for him. Maybe she does have divorce remorse.” STFU. Many people LOVE the people they divorce. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you can be partners or create a life together.

Over in the kitchen, Shannon says she is finishing the dinner and is glad she isn’t involved in the conversation. She interviews that she likes Gina, but she needs to lower her expectations when it comes to this divorce. There will be head-butting. She and David initially decided they would be amicable too. Well, maybe Shannon decided that. But now they have pinned the needle on “the nasty-meter.”

Gina is really upset. She says she’s going to miss her in-laws, etc. Emily says she can’t imagine not having her in-laws. Gina says she met Matt when she was 22 and this is all she’s ever known. Emily says that – at 40 she is not the same person she was when she was in her 20’s.

Growth? What’s that?

Kelly informs us that she is EXACTLY the same person she was in her 20’s. She is still the most immature person on earth. Let’s celebrate arrested development and Kelly having no ability to grow or change, folks.

Dinner is served, seemingly NOT by the hired server, and Gina immediately goes to the bathroom to cry. Shannon keeps pestering everyone to sit down. Shannon is serving an experimental meal that she might do for her Fall line at QVC.

She’s more focused on her pork than on my lame divorce. Pfft.

Gina is still upset that Shannon isn’t paying more attention to her. She was just crying on her couch and I guess Shannon didn’t comfort her and she is upset about this?

Shannon says that she is so wound up all the time- then Tamra does her impression of Shannon being in a tizzy. It’s pretty funny. And then Vicki tries to do the imitation and…RECORD SCRATCH.

Vicki, when we need you, we will call you.

Vick, you are not cute. Stop trying.

Shannon’s point is, she is looking forward to a relaxing vacation “to Jamaica MON.”

Here’s to offending another country!

Well now you know the phrase Shannon will be YELLING on this trip.

Kelly and Jolie go back to the “Someone Cares” Soup Kitchen. They are not cooking, they are just going to serve food and to clean. It’s a sweet scene. Jolie gets upset at seeing these people who have nothing- especially the babies. She cries.

We have no idea where you got it? It can’t be from me or your Dad.

Kelly comforts her.

Let’s hope the health inspector isn’t watching.

But she is stroking her head with her gloved hand. Jolie touches her hair and wipes her tears…also with her gloved hand. I know I should see past the OBVIOUS sanitation violations and see the scene for what it is- showing us that despite being raised by wolves, Jolie is turning out okay.

They have to clean the soup kitchen and Jolie doesn’t know how to clean. Kelly realizes she never taught Jolie how to clean. She says she’s been lax as a parent in not teaching Jolie this basic skill. Seriously. Kelly you could have had Jolie cleaning your house this whole time, you dumbass.

Gina meets Kelly for a walk. Kelly has been reading about the history of Jamaica. MisRed is too lazy to look up whether it’s accurate or not. It seems reasonable for Wikipedia. They talk about Shannon and Kelly says it was hard for her to get to become friends with Shannon too. I mean, yeah, she had to call her a c*nt first. Maybe Gina should try that? It’s hard for Shannon to warm up to people. Gina interviews that this is NOT how friends work. It shouldn’t take this much time for someone to acknowledge Gina’s existence and for Shannon “to not be an asshole.”

Yeah, well, Gina will pay for THAT at the reunion, fo sho.

Kelly says once Shannon is your friend, Shannon gives 100% to the friendship. Yeah, just ask Tamra 4 episodes ago. Kelly thinks Shannon and Gina will become better friends once they’ve been on the trip together.

You know, or worse.

I get where Gina is coming from, but it’s a two-way street. If you want to get to know Shannon better, invite her for lunch or coffee. It doesn’t have to be completely up to Shannon to seek Gina out try to get to know her. Yes, I know you texted her and she didn’t text back. Friendships can take time to develop. AND Gina is a LOT younger than Shannon. I know, I have had people work for me who are 20+ years younger than me and I wonder how the f*ck they are still alive because they are so clueless. I can appreciate them, but it “would be have to be one charming mother*cking” 25 year old for me to want to befriend it.

Emily and The Turtle go to The Fig and Olive.

Come on, we can get you something from the Kiddie Menu

Their height disparity is almost comical. Turtle says he needs a booster seat. Well, at least he acknowledges it. Emily has just come from trying on bathing suits with Tamra “Who wants to do that?” Turtle says he does!! Gross.

Turtle needs his tiles re-grouted.

CHEATER BRAND

Emily tells The Turtle she is going to see the fertility doctor. Emily says she knows The Turtle isn’t on board with having another baby- but she is going to the doctor anyway.

We flashback to Emily talking to Turtle’s mom and she says Turtle always said he wanted 6 children.

CONSPIRACY

Emily takes this as a sign. They already have FIVE kids, so they are SO CLOSE to having six.

Turtle says he doesn’t think it’s fair of Emily to be pushing him to have another baby, he has been honest about his feelings and he’s been polite about it. Emily says she could say the same, that she is upset Turtle isn’t being more open to having more kids.

Emily says she always wanted more than one girl. Turtle says he always wanted to be six feet tall but that’s not going to happen either. Turtle- take it one step at a time- wish to be FIVE feet tall and see how that goes.

Emily is like- but what do we do with the embryos? Emily says she feels sad to think about what will happen to the embryos. Emily says her sister was such a great surrogate, but she isn’t willing to be a surrogate again, so that’s another concern.

Emily says that her head agrees with Shane’s logic, but her heart doesn’t. I get it, but Emily and Turtle can’t even handle the kids they already have. Unless someone else is going to raise that extra kid, they shouldn’t do it.

Ok, you two, this is not a conversation to have on TV. The two of you need to go see a therapist and figure out a way to get on the same page. You are making US uncomfortable and we are the ones that really matter here.

Over at the house that Chavez-Lodge is trying to steal… Vicki and Steve the Crooked Cop and Faux Latino are making some food. Vicki tells us they are going to San Diego to spend the evening with Michael and his girlfriend, Danielle. Vicki then tells us “I’m 100% about family.” She says she and Steve have 6 kids between the two of them, and it’s important for them all to get along. Oh yeah, it sure is. So that things can be SUPER awkward when Steve dumps you and drains your bank account.

They are going to Michael’s house, but Vicki appears to be bringing all of the food. Steve’s daughter, Amanda, and her boyfriend arrive to go with them. Vicki says “Yeah, we are going on a family trip!”

Delusion, thy name is Vicki.

Be sure to add some fentanyl- my mother is coming over.

At Michael’s condo, he seems SUPER THRILLED Vicki is coming over. He makes sure the cocktails are good and strong to, you know, numb the pain of having Vicki as a mother.

Vicki interviews “I am so happy where Michael is in his life. He’s got a beautiful girlfriend, he’s a beautiful homeowner,”

A beautiful homeowner?!?!!? WTF does that even mean?

“and I’m just so proud of him. I mean, he’s the vice president of my company, and he’s doing fabulous.”

Imagine how proud she would be if he had accomplished any of those things on his own, without her handing them to him?

They go up on the rooftop, Vicki serves all of the food she brought.

Vicki, preaching to the rest of the group says “I love everybody right now. I’m so happy with my life.” Bullsh*t. “Isn’t it weird that none of us are married and we still love our partner?”

Steve- do us a favor and flip her off the roof.

Shut up Vicki. You are the only one that finds it weird.

No. It’s not weird at all.

And we all know you are parlaying that statement into a browbeating session as to why you and Steve are not yet engaged.

Pssst: He doesn’t love you. That’s why you aren’t engaged and married.

Steve’s daughter says that sometimes marriage ruins relationships. But Vicki disagrees because she’s a f*cking desperate, pathetic puppet who just wants a husband. Steve CCFL is squirming in his seat.

Vicki always makes every situation so comfortable.

She asks why he’s laughing? “I like to be married. I told you tight out of the gate, I’m not gonna date you forever.” Vicki thinks them getting married would set a good example for their kids and grandkids. “There has to be an end goal. If not, I’m going to carry on.” Yeah, right.

Oh, trust me, Steve has an end goal. It involves him changing his identity and fleeing the country with all of Vicki’s money. And Vicki is never going to CARRY ON. Brooks made her look like a fraud and a fool and she STILL chased after him and defended him FAKING CANCER.

Steve says he thought the end goal was to be happy? Vicki says she is happy… but she’s happier “with a ring on it.” Vicki says that between she and Steve, they have 6 kids and 6 grandkids- they have “a lot of eyes on us.” Trust me Vicki, nobody looks up to you. Nobody wants to be like you. It would be like aspiring to be a slug.

Desperado.

Here’s a NEW FLASH for all the Vickis of the world- and I hope to God there is only one: There is nothing WRONG with not being married. There is nothing WRONG with being married. There is nothing wrong with NOT having children. There is nothing wrong with having children if you can afford them. And by afford I mean: Time, Effort, Patience and financial means to suport. If you don’t have all of those things to give… maybe reconsider having a kid. LITERALLY. Also, Vicki, STOP getting married. You suck at it.

Then she tells Michael that his “window is closing.”

Perfect. So not only does Vicki have no grasp of the English language, but she also, apparently, skipped Biology 101 and Health Class. She was probably too busy having sex with multiple partners.

Vicki continues, “At 32 we should be pregnant. You too, Amanda.”

Michael eats chips while Vicki yammers.

Uh, who is WE?!?!?! Vicki, you have NOTHING to do with your children’s pregnancy. You are just kept around to pay for stuff.

Dani tells her that thy are just going to have a bunch of dogs. Yeah, she is afraid “The Vickis” will skip a generation and she will get a kid that will, well, be like Vicki. Who can blame her?

Emily heads to the fertility doctor with her in-laws that two of her rug-rats in tow. Emily says she strives to have a relationship like her in-laws.

Emily needs to find a new husband if THAT is her relationship goal.

Emily’s in-laws do everything together and are each other’s best friend. They have been married for 45 years and the Larry drives Pary to her shell appointments and waits for her. Emily hopes one day, Turtle will drive her to her hair appointments and wait for her.

Don’t hold your breath, because I can tell you already… he won’t.

The doctor comes out into the waiting room and asks Emily’s kids for a hug.

Aww, the poor kid has “Turtle Face.”

Emily goes into the doctor’s office and Pary goes with her. Apparently, Pary found Emily’s fertility doctor for her and used her Persian connection to get Emily in to the doctor immediately. Emily tells the Doctor the whole sitch with wanting another girl and Turtle not being on board, etc. The man is not a psychiatrist…

The doctor is like- hey, if you want another girl, we have tons of girl embryos. The doctor asks if Emily’s sister would carry the baby again and Emily says no. Emily asks if she could try carrying the baby? The baby that the husband doesn’t want. The doctor says no, she hasn’t been successful in carrying a baby to term.

Emily asks what her options are for the embryos. The Doctor tells her she can keep them in storage, you can donate them to science or they can do embryo adoption, or they can destroy the embryos.

The doctor says Emily and Turtle need to get on the same page. HELLO?!?! MisRed said that paragraphs ago! I could have saved you clowns your co-pay.

The doctor asks if Turtle is persuadable? Emily says she really needs to figure out what she really wants and then decide. So Emily is going to use Pary to try to manipulate Turtle. Turtle isn’t an idiot. He’s a dork, a twerp, a little pussy, and a loser, but he’s not an idiot. And we’ve already seen he has a short fuse. So this should go well. Cue the divorce in 3…2…1…

Uh yeah. Also, clear this storyline. MisRed is OVER it.

MisRed requires this cup, STAT.

Kelly and Shannon meet for a meal. They are both exhausted. What would Kelly be exhausted from doing? They talk a little about their trip to Jamaica and what they are planning to bring, etc. Shannon orders a light beer. And thinks “the cheesy tots” sound good. I don’t believe Shannon actually ORDERS the cheese tots though.

I love when Kelly looks like a blow-up doll.

Kelly says Psycho Mike came to the love shack and they watched a movie together and had a really nice time together and it was so good for Jolie. Shannon is like… uh yeah, that’s not going to happen with us.

Good for you. Unfortunately, I married Satan.

Yeah, Kelly’s husband is just a psychotic lunatic…he doesn’t hold a candle to Dave Jong Un. MisRed originally went with Grey-Haired Hitler, but I think this might be a little much. What do you think?

Shannon asks if Kelly has spoken to Gina about her emotional outburst at Shannon’s house. Kelly says Gina thinks Shannon is hard to get to know. Shannon disputes and is SHOCKED.

I START friendships, Kelly!

LOL. Shannon says she likes Gina but she’s 21 years younger than she is and isn’t sure they have a whole lot in common.

Shannon interviews that the only thing Gina has done with her is “stir the pot.” This doesn’t make Shannon particularly inclined to be friends. She says she doesn’t know either of the girls very well- and all Emily says is “Are we gonna see FUN SHANNON tonight?” Shannon is like… how about if we see FUN EMILY?!?!?!

You are going to be waiting awhile, babe.

You can’t. FUN EMILY doesn’t exist.

I smell Poo Emily exists.

I’m a lawyer Emily exists.

I’m going to kill you Emily exists.

Take your pick.

Kelly says, “Does she have a bad marriage, do you think?” Shannon is like- I’m not commenting, I’m keeping my mouth shut.

Next time- Jamaica. They offend the locals.

Jamaica, we apologize.

Did we learn nothing from Iceland?

Vicki is still on a watchlist there.

Tamra stirs the pot between Shannon and Emily/Gina, what a shock.

Yes, Tamra. Yes. It’s always something you said.

Ugh. Really? Is this the season with which we are to be saddled? Why does Andy Cohen hate us so??? What do you think of Gina’s Anti-Shannon campaign? Shannon is a lot to take, and yes, she is difficult, but Gina and Emily are getting along with everyone else, why are they so fixated on Shannon? Looks like there is a Shannon melt-down next week, so maybe we will make some progress. Well one thing is for sure- Archie, Jolie and little Walter are the heart of this sh*t show. As always, I love when you commiserate with MisRed in the comments. xoxox

Hey Trashies! Thanks for your patience as I pretended to be a decent human being in front of the OWN global marketing team in New York. Much appreciated.

We’re at the episode where we’re realigning alliances, introducing a shake-up that will potentially have ruinous consequences for the Reunion, if not series in general. To introduce us to this point, quite bluntly, we open on two lunches: Stephanie, LeeAnne, and This Bitch…

… and Brandi and D’Andra and one of D’Andra’s Ugly Blouses.

Sort of like a HouseWifeSwap, if you will.

Stephanie sits down and (rudely) tells the girls that she’s not going to eat anything because she just came from brunch, but LOL, she will drink a meal!

These bitches are SO ready to get hammered when the sun’s out.

Jesus. I know the answer is drivers, but how any of these women responsibly live and move around Dallas is beyond me. LeeAnne orders an entire salmon: just redirect the rapids to our table and I’ll catch it with my huge menacing teeth! This Bitch orders the “steak frit-tays,” since she doesn’t know how to say “steak frites.” Because, ya know, she’s a SOCIETY WOMAN who MARRIED INTO A MONEYED FAMILY.

Stephanie admits that she was nervous to come to lunch because it’s “uncharted territory,” calling herself “Stephina Columbus,” and This Bitch makes some painfully obvious and character-true metaphor about Stephanie “rushing their sorority,” calling her a “pledge.” Now, I was the president of my sorority, but even this makes me cringe. I was the president of a sorority that broke ties with the kind of sorority that produced this bitch. The kind that brings you in and dictates what color bra you should wear or how long your bangs should be or what level to acceptably apply your self-tanner and tells you to slut it up at the Sigma Nu mixer at the risk of getting c**t punted. For further reading, I urge you to check out this book Pledged, and how it has forever Brett Kavanaugh’ed (rightly) the idea of pledging Barbie sororities.

Welcome to Gamma Phi Dummi, where we wear condoms on our ears instead of pledge pins.

As a correlation, Stephanie makes a joke about chugging a beer, which reminds LeeAnne of Brandi’s beer funnel at the rodeo. Like the peer-pressured try-hard she is, Stephanie laughs at the story and makes fun of her best friend Brandi, suggesting Brandi keeps beer funnels stowed in her body cavities. LeeAnne suggests that Brandi might need vaginal rejuvenation, and Stephanie announces that she has a plan to do just that.

Sigh.

Because always, ALWAYS on these shows, we have to talk about these women’s vajhines. I don’t know why, I don’t know how. But it’s a reality I’ve just come to accept. Sort of like traffic and anxiety-inducing STD screenings, it’s just one ugly, frustrating sacrifice I have to make to continue living my life as a garbage human and single adult who enjoys trashy television.

Stephanie explains that the rejuvenation is for:

… since having babies makes your urethra completely pack up shop and retire. And I’d add a cough cough to this, but it’s not just having babies. I’m 32 and childless, but every time I sneeze I wee a little. See why I didn’t add the cough cough? I’m not wearing a panty liner! I get it.

LeeAnne gets it too, even though she’s never birthed a child, and This Bitch helpfully surmises, “oh! from age.” LeeAnne:

Her nail and ring game is always on point, BTW.

Having already likened This Bitch and Stephanie to “Barbie and Skipper,” LeeAnne all but treats them like tiny Mattel dolls, banging them together and saying, “kiss! KIIIIIIISSSSS!” She’s like, you guys are so much better outside “the group!” You’re even wearing the same color! Stephanie and This Bitch even laugh about both having sons with the same name. Stephanie confesses in her talking head that she wants to get to know the rest of the cast without Brandi since people already see her and Brandi as one person, which is basically true. LeeAnne tells Stephanie the gossip she heard from Cary, which was basically: Brandi thinks LeeAnne is telling This Bitch who to be friends with. LOL, it’s so not true! LOL, who cares.

This Bitch announces that she’s Chair of No Tie’s fundraiser and invites Stephanie and LeeAnne to the upcoming 80s Prom they’re throwing.

For context, No Tie is an AIDS charity serving Dallas, and… (god I know I’m going to Internet Hell for saying this) the idea that they’ve given their gala an 80s theme, remembering when AIDS was at its most viral, unknown, ignored, and stigmatized*, makes me cringe. JUST A LITTLE. I’m firmly convinced that it was This Bitch’s idea. Anyway, obviously it will serve as the denouement of this episode.
* further viewing on gay culture in the 80s and the epidemiology of AIDS, which I highly recommend since I’m weirdly fascinated by it: And The Band Played On, The Normal Heart, Pose, Paris is Burning

Then they all get tequila shots and none of them finish it and they all congratulate one another on being pussies.

Over at Brandi and D’Andra’s restaurant, they each order rosé and the waiter asks if they just want a glass each or a whole bottle to share, and they each get that look on their face that you make when you’re daring your friend to order the bottle so YOU don’t look like the lush.

Brandi bravely asks for the bottle and D’Andra blurts out, in the way one does, yeahjustwithtwoglasses. whynot. wehavealottotalkabout. LOLOLOL. Girl, whatever, you are rich and it’s Saturday. Own it.

Brandi breathes out to D’Andra that she finally hired a nanny so she could “have a little me time,” which doesn’t include straightening the back of her hair correctly.

I’m not one to judge, but damn.

D’Andra relays that she and LeeAnne got coffee, where she unnecessarily needled LeeAnne into talking about her wedding, making up this bullshit about LeeAnne not seeking support at a trying time or something, that trying time being not getting married to Rich because he’s DEFINITELY having an affair (that’s D’Andra’s excuse for sticking her nose in all this: that it’s all LeeAnne’s fault), but eventually concludes that “maybe it’s none of my business.”

D’Andra insists that LeeAnne knows Rich cheats, but doesn’t tell her and blocks D’Andra out because… reasons. Again, even if this were true, maybe that’s OK? There are plenty of people with open marriages who are perfectly happy, but whatever, this is D’Andra’s crusade, and even though she insists that she doesn’t want to point it out, she points it out (all the time), and “sadly” tells Brandi that “maybe this marriage is never going to happen.”

Brandi (who has a reasonable axe to grind with LeeAnne, since LeeAnne’s been telling everyone that “Brandi’s a bad influence,” since Brandi is stealing D’Andra away from LeeAnne), reasons that LeeAnne “is full of shit” and is faking every aspect of her life. She then pulls out the Sisterhood Trump Card, telling D’Andra that L’Anne is probably jealous of you: You have this amazing husband that loves you and supports you and you married for love and she can’t even get Rich to walk down the aisle. D’Andra sits across the table with a straight face but this playing in her brain:

Brandi concludes that the wedding “is not happening” as D’Andra mournfully confesses that she’s been shut out of LeeAnne’s life.

Later, we see more alcohol being poured over an amazing voice-over of Brandi growling: lllllleeeets get DRUNK! God I wish I had audio capabilities with these recaps. So anyway, drunk they get. Eventually graduating to tequila shots.

… again: HOW DO THESE WOMEN FUNCTION. I am as alcoholic as they come but the idea of consuming this much poison in broad daylight gives me second hand embarrassment and makes me want to sleep FOREVER.

Later, LeeAnne goes to an LGBTQ fundraiser and talks about how she misses D’Andra. She’s wearing a bangin outfit with Clydesdale booties and talks to a bunch of old queens, recreations of the old Harvey Fierstein Aging Gay from Big Mouth Season 2:

After the commercial, Brandi, D’Andra, and D’Andra’s Ugly Bellbottoms stumble in and we realize that a) it’s the same day of their boozey lunch, b) they’ve been drinking all the way since, and c) as result, they’re fucking comatose.

LeeAnne tells D’Andra about what Cary told her at the painting party: that Brandi thinks LeeAnne thinks This Bitch does something and Someone said Something. D’Andra, way too out of her mind on mixed wine and tequila, is like, yeah, um, maybe you all need to come together and talk about stuff and not keep talking to me about this and forget you even saw me here because literally I have no idea what’s going on right now cool thanks.

Anyway, LeeAnne tries but gets nowhere with Brandi’s whole insinuation that LeeAnne is “in This Bitch’s ear,” basically because Brandi is clinically shitfaced.

It’s the Whole Nines: rocking on her feet, blinking really slow and often, repeating questions back in only half their iteration… LeeAnne laughs but gets nowhere, with Brandi only sleepily putting up a valid defense that LeeAnne has on multiple occasions talked shit about her. In Brandi’s defense, she has a dog in this fight, and she is right, but she’s honestly so incapacitated at this point that it’s useless, with her just staring vacantly and shouting out stuff like “are you fuggingkiddingme, LeeeeeeeAnnnnnne.” This scene would be a waste if not for the fact that it showed Brandi in all her inebriated glory.

It’s OK, she has a nanny.

HEY BEHB, This Bitch is here to disrupt your work hour.

This Bitch shows up to disrupt Court at his office to give him an update on Sparkle Dog’s progress. We learn that it’s littered with art from a Roy Rogers’ rest stop on the New Jersey Turnpike, circa 1997.

We also learn that Court spends his day watching very relevant muscle car videos on YouTube:

This Bitch opens by whining that her kids – who have a nanny she employs – won’t leave her alone. “Mommy, mommy,” they cry, ripping their teddy bears open for the unrequited love they feel for that selfless mother of theirs, ripping at the splinters of her walk-in closet while she’s on a conference call, sabotaging her plans to work out. Then she says she knows everyone thinks she’s crazy for inventing pink dog food because dogs are color blind, but SURPRISE, there’s NEW. RESEARCH:

Court says they need dogs who can see “red and green,” because as it stands, This Bitch is only selling about 10% of the product that she needs to be successful. She deflates, and then pouts that he’s being harder on her than he would with other clients, and Court, who’s only been condescendingly patronizing to this point, reminds her that this is his job and if anything he’s being soft on her.

So she breaks out her PINK NOTEBOOK and LIGHT-UP PINK FLOWER PEN and tells him she’s about to make a call with a global distributor.

READY TO BIZNISS

The distributor tells This Bitch and Court that he can definitely see a market for Sparkle Dog in anime countries like Japan and South Korea, not because of the quality of the product itself, but because the label looks like MR. SPARKLE-UH:

Court is beside himself as This Bitch beams in victory:

And fuck me, she’s right. She got it. She got lucky, but she got it. She made a dog food for tiny harajuku girls that like tiny things like tiny pink dog food to feed their tiny dogs. Domo arigoto! This Bitch reminds Court that “This is only one call, honey,” and he braces himself in his chair and says, “oh boy,” reeling at the joy he finally feels over finally not feeling guilty at the prospect of divorce.

Stephanie got her vagina lazered, which I will not dignify with a recap but here are some screenshots:

I will say, she did make a joke about going on a date with the surgeon:

Which went over remarkably better than when I told the ultrasound technician who was testing me for endometriosis to buy me a drink first. Some people are so uptight. Sort of like Stephanie’s rejuvenated vagina.

Later, Stephanie tells Cary that “it’s like so great that you’re being honest” but “I fill like you’re stirring the pot,” referencing Cary’s recent proclivity to tell everyone everything, all the time.

It’s the day of the 80s Prom! Stephanie is COMMITTED, with a team of gays who give her pageant hair and custom-made braces:

Brandi show’s up to be Stephanie’s “Prom King,” as some sort of off and confused version of Slash from Guns N Roses:

We learn about Stephanie and Brandi’s proms: Brandi, as we know, has been with Brian forever and thus did not lose her virginity on Prom Night.

look at that Toothy Frustrated Brian

Stephanie, meanwhile, planned for it all along, but her date lost the key to the hotel room so they DID IT IN HER CLOSET AT HER PARENTS’ HOUSE:

Identities concealed to protect the closet-banging anonymous

My proms were pretty tame, outside of making out (for the first time), and I didn’t lose my virginity till I was the ripe old age of Twenty and Wasted. What were your Proms slash Virginity Losing stories? Share in the comments!

I feel like one ubiquitous experience is your parents taking embarrassing pictures of you with pinning boutonnieres and corsages on your date right beforehand, which Stephanie covered by having Tyler take pictures of her and Brandi:

Guys, I hate to say this, but This Bitch nailed it:

… mainly by already being a Material Girl in real life, but still, job well done. Also executed correctly are these Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling (GLOW):

Also nailed it, but in a less obvious sense, is LeeAnne, who showed up in full JERSEY GIRL POWER BITCH COMBOVER GLAM, god I love her:

Venison ah l’aw-rohnj

What I also love is LeeAnne running through all of the carefully placed balloons shouting “wooooo!” It reminds me of when my parents took our family to the National Mall and my brother used to run into crowds of pigeons just to fuck with them.

She also admits that the 80s were the height of her (pageant and) hair days, stating “God and I were communicatin’ via Aquanet”:

Cary’s hair is ON. FUCKING. POINT. but since she doesn’t like to “dress in something tragic,” the rest of her falls flat:

On the limo ride over, Brandi and Stephanie don’t awkwardly make out over her braces (invalidating my entire prom experience)

… but rather drink as Brandi relays the fact that she went to lunch with D’Andra (and killed herself with tequila). Brandi explains that she and D’Andra agree that something’s going on with LeeAnne and Rich, and that LeeAnne’s up to her same old tricks, but honestly, I can’t hear any of it over the thought that Brandi’s wig looks like a bunch of loose pubes.

Stephanie thinks that D’Andra’s just “winding Brandi up,” and Brandi thinks that LeeAnne is using Stephanie, but the two of them re-cement their friendship before leaving the limo.

Inside, LeeAnne tells the story about the fundraiser the night before and how Brandi (uninvited) showed up naked wasted. Cary rushes to Brandi’s defense.

This Bitch gets up on stage to thank everyone for being here:

… as D’Andra shows up in a meh costume:

It’s like, everything is on point, but D’Andra sort of dresses and makes herself up like this all the time, and she sort of put everything together in a blob, so it doesn’t leave a lasting impression, you know what I mean?

So 80s Looks, ranked:

ugh, kill me, This Bitch (for being way too on-the-nose)
LeeAnne (for looking both gorgeous and 80s-appropriate)
Stephanie (admire the adolescent, Never Been Kissed touch)
Cary (perfect hair, should’ve followed through with the clothes)
D’Andra (this idiot dresses in the 80s every day, and still couldn’t nail this) (“D’Andra nailed the 80s; it looks like she did yesterday” – LeeAnne)
Brandi (for going the Party City route of Not Getting It)

Brandi takes LeeAnne out into the Lobby, where LeeAnne flatly tells Brandi that she was wasted last night and it was embarrassing:

And sue me, I know I’m agreeing a lot with LeeAnne lately (she’s been liking all of these recaps on Twitter and replying to me so now I’m her happy servant), but even in the face of Brandi’s defense – I have three kids! I deserve a day off! – LeeAnne has a point: you can get wasted all day and still NOT show up to a fancy fundraiser, to which you weren’t invited, barely able to stand on your own two feet.

Everyone at the table has a very apologetic view towards Brandi about all this, by the way:

… realizing that D’Andra brought Brandi to a “boozey lunch,” and then after watching Brandi tank herself on tequila, brought her to a fundraiser a couple hours later. You know how we do!

Brandi acts like D’Andra’s minion and asks why LeeAnne and Rich haven’t set a date. LeeAnne, wide-eyed, tells Brandi that it’s none of her business:

Also, as LeeAnne says, this line of questioning can be turned around on Brandi: did she and Brian adopt a baby to save their marriage?

Brandi, outraged, insists that “this isn’t about me,” (and it’s not about me, LeeAnne rightfully counters), and then Brandi asserts (once more, and bravely in the face of the person she means it to) that LeeAnne is jealous of D’Andra. “Because she’s walked down the aisle,” Brandi pushes. “More than once,” LeeAnne pushes back.

“Walked down the aisle? Wow, wonder where that came from, D’Andra,” LeeAnne drawls out in her interview.

Eventually D’Andra wanders over because she “lost her purse,” and now that Brandi’s planted the seed of JEALOUSY, D’Andra doubles down on the concern-trolling:

LeeAnne cuts through the bullshit to tell D’Andra to knock it the fuck off:

Guys, the MEDITATION BOWL can’t get her out of this one. She adds that she’d never speak about D’Andra and Jeremy – who by the way “live separate lives” – the same way D’Andra has been talking about LeeAnne.

Meanwhile, Brandi sort of holds Cary’s feet over the fire over spreading gossip, and Cary owns up to it drunkenly and Brandi forgives her drunkenly and WTF who cares, Cary is untouchable:

Over there, LeeAnne tells D’Andra that she has plenty of plans for the wedding in the works, and excuse her for not telling D’Andra what sort of flowers she chose or the venue that clearly had to pass the D’Andra Approval. D’Andra keeps barking about not being kept in the loop when LeeAnne finally says, SOBERLY!:

At that point D’Andra flies off the handle, persisting that LeeAnne hasn’t been straight with her about anything, to which LeeAnne mercifully responds:

D’Andra interviews that she just DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO SAYYYY! when someone comes to her with a rumor about Rich’s infidelity. Ummm, how about “mind your business” or “I’ve known them for 10 years and that’s bullshit” or literally anything except sowing doubt in your best friend’s brain? I dunno.

Anyway, to prove I’m right and that LeeAnne is the muthafuckin GOAT, she gets crowned Prom Queen, and D’Andra leaves in a huff.

C’est fin. Next week:

D’Andra goes to the last friend she has: her mom, who basically tells her to let LeeAnne live and let live.

Brandi tells everyone that LeeAnne thinks she adopted a baby to save her marriage:

Mark shows up to a party after getting sucked off at the Round-Up, and hugs LeeAnne, who knows the Boys Who Did It:

LeeAnne maybe calls D’Andra and her awful blouse an alcoholic, and D’Andra cries all over her satin:

And the rest of us just keep living, roaming the halls, slamming lockers and searching for acceptance. Like the Housewives, we’re all just Molly Ringwalds, making the most of it and fashioning a brilliant sexy something out of nothing. Feeling angry and right and wronged, turning to our quirky elders for stories of self-acceptance. Forgetting the Duckies in a sea of Blaines. Leaving the feather-haired adonises like Steff to me. Mmmmm. Steff. I’ll bang your coke-dusted 18-year-old body any day. Anyway, what? Oh right. Lyrical closer. That’s just who we are: weird, lost little kids, trying to make it in the preposterous universe of high school, respecting the food chain. Which means we climb it ruthlessly, heartlessly crushing the ones beneath us, banging our bodies and our terrible pink fabric against the ones above. Hoping someday, somewhere, it’ll get better. Hoping that the ones who stupidly stick with us stay with us forever.

But if you leave, don’t leave now. You always said we’d still be friends.

Previously, Gina and Emily are upset because Shannon finds them as boring as we do. Vicki has reached new levels of desperation in her relationship with Steve. Tamra is a martyr for putting up with all of Shannon’s neurosis. Kelly thinks The Turtle is a dork.

Yawn.

Okay, let’s start off by saying, I just watched the episode and it was a drag. I don’t even want to recap it. Let me Reader’s Digest it for you: They go to Jamaica. Everyone is hot. Shannon is miserable. Vicki is melting faster than The Wicked Witch in a rain storm and Tamra has switched in to bitch-mode-warp speed.

But MisRed will do what she is contractually obligated to do…recap dis bitch.

The producers have gone back to the well with an, oh so fresh, packing montage. And for the 36^th time, there’s a kid in a suitcase.

Here, let me zip this up and scar you for life.

This time it’s Gina’s kid… and she threatens to zip up the suitcase if the rugrat doesn’t stop crying. Yeah, that shouldn’t give the kid nightmares or anything.

Too bad we didn’t get to see Emily doing the same to The Turtle. Surely, he would fit in a regulation carry-on.

Kelly packs and finally comes to the realization she has “hooker clothes.” Maybe she should stop shopping at Abercrombie & Skank.

Vicki calls Linda to check and see if there is anything she needs to take care of at the office before she leaves for Jamaica. Linda is like- No, but you have fun in the tropics while we are all stuck here working. Any normal boss would have been like- Ha Ha, yeah sucks to be you. But not Vicki.

She takes it as a personal attack saying “Okayyy. You get paid to work.” Linda lays it on thick, God bless her.

Coto Insurance when Vicki is out of the office.

And you know when Vicki is away, the office has a party. Linda brings in some kegs, a nacho bar, probably some low-rent Chippendales, while Michael sleeps with his feet up on the desk dreaming of a world where his mother is eaten by a shark in Jamaica.

Be grateful, Linda.

This bitch. You’ve been on my screen for 10 seconds and I already want to punch your mangled rubber face REPEATEDLY, Vicki. Thankfully, Vicki’s plastic surgeon seems to be doing an adequate job of turning Vicki into the Elephant Man, so thank you for saving MisRed the trouble.

Speaking of Vicki’s plastic surgeon, can we expect a Podcast about him or her in the same vein as Dr. Death? I mean, what this doctor has done to Vicki’s face is criminal.

Man! MisRed is FULL OF Vicki venom this morning.

Tamra and Shannon consult on what Shannon is packing- but Shannon hasn’t been shopping yet because she’s fat. Great. Good to see Shannon is excited for their getaway. Tamra’s response to Shannon’s weight complaints: “Stop eating.”

Tamra is always a source of encouragement.

Tamra, of course, is packing 7 trucker hats, 3 tote bags with stupid beach puns and some shirts she got on the boardwalk in 1979. Ryan is present in this scene for some reason.

Why is Ryan here?

Perhaps it’s an appetite suppressant? PSA to promote safe sex?

Everyone gets to the airport at 4:11am and complains about how early it is. Yeah, well, MisRed gets up at 3am to watch you hags get to the airport at 4:11am, so you will get no sympathy from me. Shannon arrives at the airport “Who comes to the airport at THIS time of the morning?!!?!?” The limo driver is like- Me, bitch, every damn day.

Shannon announces, “Vacation Shannon is ready to play.” Yeah, well, we will see about that.

Oh look! Steve is heading to Mexico with all of Vicki’s money!

They board the plane and Kelly is seated next to a dude- we only see the back of his head- but Shannon is convinced Kelly is going to join the mile-high club with him. Alas, we aren’t sure how this turns out, but we do get treated to Shannon saying “Jamaica, mon.”

Top O’ The Morning!!!!

Over and over and over. Every time we hear this… stab yourself.

The plane touches down in Jamaica and the first complaint is “It’s hot.” Yes, it’s Jamaica. Vicki tells us she’s hotter than she’s ever been before. Listen, MisRed lives in Houston, you shall receive no sympathy from me.

The van hired to schlep these party animals around is air-conditioned, which makes the women happy. Happy enough to wear Jamaican Rasta hats with fake dreads.

You won’t be mad if we completely mock your culture and its icons?

Someone stopped at Spencer Gifts before leaving LA. Linda probably got them and told Vicki everybody in Jamaica wears them. Oh, it was Tamra. Figures. Vicki asks the driver if he will be mad at them for wearing these? He says no, but in his heart, he is plotting a way to drive the van off a bridge. Just kidding. You gotta figure he sees tacky tourists like this every day, but really, it’s a little insensitive, but leave it to these women to think it’s okay. The driver is like…I will pretend to like you because I am expecting a big tip.

The conversation turns to conch. Vicki asks if it’s true conch “makes you horny?” The driver says it’s true. Then Vicki informs the driver, and us “I’m always horny.” The girls ask if Steve the Crooked Cop and Faux Latino can keep up and Vicki says he can, but “He doesn’t need it four times a day like me.”

Hang on.

Ok, MisRed is back.

Vicki is pathetic. Vicki thinks if Steve boinks her 4 times a day, he must love her. Yeah, well, dudes will also f*ck a glory hole at a truck stop, so…

In Vicki’s case, she’d be considered a “gory hole.”

The van arrives at the resort- the Jewel Grande Resort & Spa- make note, you don’t want to stay there. A) It has been infested with Vickis and B) Spoiler Alert, the A/C leaves something to be desired.

Ingrid, the resort greeter, gives the ladies a cocktail and introduces them to their 24-hour butlers. She indicates they will be staying in two penthouses, each one has 3 bedrooms. She asks who is bunking with whom? Kelly suggests Shannon share with Gina and Emily.

And Emily and Gina breath a sigh of relief.

Shannon declines. Rudely. She needs to be with the “Tres Amigas.”

Gina, in her interview, thinks Shannon really has some balls.

Gina and Emily are like -Ok, we will have the sorority house and you guys can have the old folks home.

This is what fun looks like.

The girls arrive at their penthouse and Vicki and Tamra fight over who gets the biggest room. Vicki says she’s going to pee on the bed. Well, she will probably do that regardless of whether it is her room. She and Tamra start LICKING the pillows. Clearly, neither of these dumb bitches has ever watched an episode of 20/20.

I’m sure there are no bodily fluids on that bedding.

The poor butler is mortified.

White people are so embarrassing.

Classless to the end, these two.

In the other penthouse, Emily and Gina think if Shannon had roomed with them, she would have wound up LOVING them. Kelly tries to say that it takes Shannon a long time to warm up to people, yada yada yada.

Why do they even give a shit about Shannon at this point? These two desperately need Shannon’s approval and it’s pathetic. Kelly interviews that Shannon is standoffish, but she thinks Shannon would like Emily and Gina if she gave them a chance.

Well yeah, and Emily has that GREAT HUSBAND, so she’s got THAT going for her.

Charming. Like a scorching case or herpes.

Back at Shady Pines, the Tres Amigas are complaining about the heat in their room. The butler tells them the other ladies are in the room next door. Shannon is like “fortunately or unfortunately?” Tamra tells Shannon to pull out whatever it is that stuck in her ass. It’s probably that enema tip from 4 years ago.

The women are sweating to death and unpacking. Tamra calls Eddie to see how he’s doing. She says she feels guilty and worries about him. Haha. As if Tamra can feel things. So funny.

The women get ready for dinner and Tamra goes over to the other penthouse. It is cooler over there because they have the doors to the patio open. Shannon won’t allow the doors at Shady Pines to be open because she is afraid of getting the Zika Virus.

So, just have Dr. Moon put the Twister spinner on your stomach and pop his thumb in your butt and you’ll be cured.

Kelly thinks Shannon is being ridiculous. Kelly isn’t worried about Zika. She’s worried about STD’s. Well, as luck would have it, you can get Zika from sex, too, Kelly.

Zika is a valid concern, but, uh, I don’t know, get some DEET and call it a day. And besides, Vicki’s been looking for her next face… maybe Zika is the way to go.

Vicki in, yet, another flattering outfit.

The women meet for dinner and Vicki’s histrionics start. She is so hot. She’s sweating. She’s hot. She’s sweating.

My house has been cheating on me too!

Shannon gets a text message that her rental house has been sold. They will honor her lease until it’s done, but she is upset and doesn’t want to move again. She wants to provide consistency for her daughters.

Well then, buy a house Shannon.

Listen I get it. It’s stressful, but you can’t change it, so just worry about it when you get home. Easier said than done, especially given that it’s Shannon.

Kelly tells Shannon that she has to think about all of the people who are starving in the world and Shannon should recognize how fortunate she is. Shannon says she doesn’t want to disappoint her kids because “they don’t understand that.”

What? Her kids don’t understand that there are people less fortunate than they are? Well a) they should b) it’s up to Shannon to teach them c) they are old enough to understand that sometimes life hands you lemons and it’s better to make lemonade than to put 9 in a bowl.

Send those kids to the Soup Kitchen with Kelly and Saint Jolie. Hell. Send Shannon to that soup kitchen.

Kelly interviews that Shannon doesn’t even grasp that there are people who are really suffering and maybe if she did, she wouldn’t complain as much. Word.

Back to Vicki, who is melting. Literally.

Does your face hurt? It’s killing us.

Tamra asks Gina what’s happening with her living situation? She explains she is renting a Casita on the weekends, and she will stay there and then maybe Matt will stay there sometimes, etc.

Vicki tells her “It could be a financial disaster.” Here we go again. She tells Gina that she needs life insurance on her husband- she needs 20 x his income. Vicki isn’t wrong, but it’s not a conversation for right now.

Thanks for the insight.

Then Vicki tosses out the first thing she learned at The Sketchy Insurance Academy, “The cemetery is full of people who didn’t plan on dying.”

Let’s just see if David and his new penis holster have air-conditioning where they are…

All during this conversation, Shannon is just looking at her phone texting and – it looks like she’s looking at Instagram. She is completely NOT paying attention to the conversation.

Tamra says that when Shannon talks/ complains everybody listens but whenever anyone else does, she checks out. That IS annoying. Shannon is just pissed because someone else has a divorce story line and Gina isn’t completely destroyed by her divorce like Shannon.

Ok, back to Vicki and her fake vacation illness du jour. Kelly says it looks like all of her plastic surgery is malfunctioning at one. Well, plastic melts in the heat, so it makes sense.

Jamaica does not agree with Vicki.

Vicki, of course, has to make a scene – so that the entire restaurant knows she’s having a hot flash. She makes the women fawn all over her trying to cool her down. A) Have some manners and excuse yourself and go to the restroom. B) put your f*cking hair up. C) Put a cold towel on the back of your neck. D) drink some water. E) Walk outside and get run over by a Red Stripe truck.

This scene is ridiculous. People in the restaurant are laughing at Vicki and how stupid she is.

White bitches ruin everything.

Then we get a flashback of Vicki’s fake injury at Glamis Dunes, and her fake illness in Iceland.

The ghosts of fake illnesses past.

Just another year of the Vickis.

Can we get insurance for The Vickis?

And Gina stopped by Ramona Singer’s closet on the way to Jamaica.

The next day, the sorority sisters come to Shady Pines to pick up the old folks. Vicki is offering everyone heel cream. ???Tamra, Emily and Gina go to the beach and Shannon, Vicki and Kelly go to the spa.

Kelly has a rash. It’s a heat rash, but she’s making a big deal of it. She interviews “Despite what people may think of me, I’ve never had a rash.” LOL.

Their first stop is he Himalayan Salt Lounge. The spa lady explains that they lay on these salt loungers – which are heated. Vicki wants to know if they lay on them naked? No Vicki, you have to wear a bathing suit. They don’t want to have to CONDEMN the entire resort for a rampant case of the Vickis spreading like wildfire.

Shannon has, for some reason, neglected to bring her bathing suit. She brought two HUGE suitcases but didn’t pack a bathing suit.

They ask the spa lady if it will help with Kelly’s rash and Shannon’s sprained ankle? Yes, of course it will. Vicki says, “I have a leaky valve, will it help with that.” Vicki, you are gross. Please go away.

Let’s get them nicely seasoned before putting them in the sun.

Kelly keeps repeating she has a rash. Vicki tells her to stop.

Vicki is in a bikini. This really is an unnecessary assault on our ocular system. Does Vicki offer insurance for that?

Down at the beach, the girls discuss the previous evening. Apparently, the girls did some dancing- they were trying to get Shannon to warm up to Gina and Emily. They are going on and on about how Shannon doesn’t give two shits about them. Yeah, she doesn’t. Tamra tells Emily and Gina “Eddie thinks I’m an enabler when it comes to Shannon.” She is.

Emily thinks that’s weird because Tamra doesn’t seem like the enabling type.

She doesn’t huh?

Uh, what?

I offer you Exhibit A.

Tamra says she feels bad for Shannon, so does Gina. Emily doesn’t feel bad for her. Tamra says Shannon starts every day with a negative comment. Hey, some people are like that- they thrive on negative energy. Gina says, “She’s Sour Shannon.”

They talk about Gina’s divorce a little, comparing it to Shannon’s. Gina says, if one person in the relationship is cheating, there is a fundamental issue within the relationship. Gina says that the best thing Shannon can do is to free herself of the “stuff” from the relationship. She says it’s an albatross and if she cultivated some good friendships, it would be a helpful coping tool.

Tamra is like -Albatross? Why are we talking about Tuna, betch?

That’s Albacore, Tamra.

They say Shannon needs to get laid. YES. Apparently, Shannon doesn’t even masturbate, per Tamra. The other girls are shocked. Yeah, Shannon needs to “get the poison out.”

Back at the Spa, Vicki, Kelly and Shannon go in the pool.

Please look into a two-piece bathing suit, Vicki

They pull Shannon into the pool in her towel.

This energy would be better used holding Vicki’s head under the water.

Hold her under. HOLD HER UNDER!!!!

Later, Shannon and Vicki return to Shady Pines- Tamra is there wearing a little-known Banksy painting.

They ask what Tamra did, and she replies they just laid on the beach, had some drinks and laughed. Shannon and Vicki want to know what they laughed about? Were they laughing AT someone?

Paranoid much?

Tamra said Emily and Gina are both great girls. Tamra says they were laughing about Vicki melting into a puddle of silicone the night before and they had fun dancing with Shannon.

“Ah, well, I hope it was worth injuring my ankle, ‘cause now I can’t even walk on it.” OMG Shannon. STAHHHHHHHPPPP.

The girls are preparing to go bamboo rafting. Gina is afraid of murky water.

MisRed can relate. If I can’t see the bottom…it’s a hard no.

The girls meet in the air-conditioned van and they all have beers- even Shannon.

The driver is taking them to Martha Brae for rafting.

You can’t raft down Martha Raye!!!

The girls need to team up in twos to do the rafting. Shannon and Vicki decide to go together, which pisses Tamra off, seemingly. She says “Good, let the Debbie Downers go together.”

Boo Hoo, poor Tamra.

Vicki interviews that her friendship with Shannon is back where it used to be. Well that sucks for Shannon. She says “It might be better than ever so it’s natural she would want to sit next to me. Ha Ha Tamra.”

Ok, Vicki, firstly, nobody wants to sit next to you. The only reason Shannon is going on the raft with Vicki is because Vicki has so much plastic in her, Shannon thinks she might be able to use her as a floatation device should anything go awry with the raft.

Over at Martha Raye, the river is very brown and moving very fast.

Looks so welcoming.

They have a cocktail before getting on the rafts.

On the walk to the river, Tamra gossips with Kelly about Shannon wanting to go on the raft with Vicki and how Tamra “caught” Shannon making a plan to go with Vicki.

For f*ckssake Tamra, THIS is what you have to be irritated about? Everybody has to go on a raft with someone- be thankful Piggy isn’t here because THAT would have been a horror show.

What is this brown water? No ball in house Koko.

Kelly thinks it’s weird that Tamra and Shannon are so codependent. It’s like they are teenagers and having a love affair. Finally, Tamra is like “But no big deal, I’d rather go with you anyway. She’s just going to bitch and complain the whole time.”

Then why are you even talking about it, Tamra?

The women board the rafts. It looks super safe, so it’s a good thing they’ve been drinking. Gina is nervous. She thinks the Kraken is coming to get her.

Don’t worry, it’s just Vicki.

While they are waiting to start down the river, Shannon says she’s a little gassy from the beer she drank. Vicki is FREAKING OUT that Shannon might fart.

You can’t fart near me. I already smell bad enough from the melting.

Ok, Vicki- you are the one that PEES yourself regularly AND pee’d on Tamra’s bed. A fart is nothing.

Tamra and Kelly are playing a drinking game – every time their guide says “Ya mon,” they drink.

At some point down the river, Vicki says she can’t see, she’s having an allergic reaction.

YOUR eyes!?!? We are the ones who have to look at you.

Oh, the Vickis are back.

No. Nobody cares.

Shut up, Vicki, you probably have sunscreen in your eye. But as a precaution you should throw a robe over your head and wade to shore.

The girls stop at a rope swing. Well most of them do. Vicki and Shannon don’t stop, but everybody else does. Too bad because this would be a great place to drown Vicki since Shannon and Kelly FAILED in the pool.

Shannon and Vicki continue down the river to the bar.

Emily gets right up and goes on the swing and drops into the water.

Kelly goes on the swing but doesn’t drop into the water, she already has a rash and lord knows what she could catch in that water.

Then Tamra goes and of course, she has rigged her top to come off.

Tamra Judge, the picture of class.

She has ample opportunity to cover herself, but she doesn’t until the rope swing attendant has pulled her from the water- with her tits out.

At the bar, Vicki tells complains to the bartender about the “allergic reaction” and then goes on to tell her about Brooks and her heart break and then about Steve and how she’s afraid of doing anything to make Steve upset.

Yeah, why be with in relationship where you can be your true self?

YAWN.

The bartender is like- Can someone toss this white bitch into the river?

Lady, there isn’t enough weed on this island to make me care about this conversation.

Back at the swing, Gina goes on the swing, but doesn’t go into the water.

They continue down the river and meet up with Shannon and Vicki. They said that Shannon and Vicki should have done the rope swing. Shannon is like “Nope.”

Emily is like- this is the extent of the conversations I have with Shannon. When Tamra gets there, Shannon is like- “Oh, your top came off AGAIN?”

Shannon and Vicki decide, rather than hanging out with the girls, to go sit in the air-conditioned van instead.

Tamra says that she’s trying to help Shannon, but she gets so frustrated with Shannon and her negativity. She says she is going to blow and it won’t be pretty.

Next time, the boredom continues. Vicki is in macramé dress and there is a mass outbreak of Bravo viewer self-inflicted blindness. Shannon flips out. Vicki and Tamra turn on Shannon.

Dreadful. MisRed cannot with these women anymore. Shannon is a miserable shrew, Vicki is annoying and Tamra is evil. Kelly is the voice of reason?!?! What is happening here??? How do you guys feel about this mess? I always love to know your thoughts. Until next week… xoxox.

Blugh, hiya Trashies. Listen, I gotta put this up front: I’m not excited for this recap. This episode was both a total snore and hugely disappointing in the way of both indentured misogyny and the manufactured fights that are pulling D’Andra and LeeAnne apart. I hated it. It was like watching your friend and her boyfriend, who you actually like, get in a super nasty and stupid fight at brunch. He says something sexist and then she cuts way below the belt, saying some shit about his dead father. And all you can do is sit there and get hammered on mimosas, except now you’re just an angry, dizzy drunk with two assholes sitting across the table from you, and everything is awful, and all you want to do is watch something else. Alone at home with Netflix and your Eatin Pants.

Everyone has a pair of Eatin Pants. These are mine:

This episode was the second chapter in the saga of D’Andra and LeeAnne (LeeAndra?)’s falling out, so it opens on a jack-and-jill split scene of the two of them talking shit about each other to their respective significant others, Pirate Rich…

… and Mama Dee:

… who, if you’ll remember from two weeks ago, promised to seriously hand over the keys of the business to D’Andra, for real, no foolin this time.

Oh and also, Rich and LeeAnne are at a restaurant with a waiter who does THIS when he’s talking to customers:

Excuse me sir, I am not in preschool and you do not need to be breathing all over this table I’m going to be eating off of. Stand up straight and address me like the seated nobility I am. And the hired peasant you are.

D’Andra, meanwhile, is having a meeting with her mom and complaining that (yet again), one of the main ingredients for some formaldehyde face peel or whatever – something called SagBeGone III or some shit – is a few weeks late. Oh no! That’s almost as unsettling as these Russian Circus pajamas D’Andra is parading around as an outfit.

Anyway, so yeah, LeeAndra gets into their fight. LeeAnne tells Rich that D’Andra insinuated that LeeAnne and Rich have an open relationship because they “lead separate lives.” Rich makes a joke about keeping a second family in Colombia and I know LeeAnne trusts him and all but this “yeah right!” face she made was too hilariously transparent not to point out:

LOL she’s totally in on it guys HAHAHAHA we’re all having fun right

LeeAnne tells Rich that the reason she doesn’t tell D’Andra about her and Rich’s relationship is because D’Andra is now Brandi’s “drinking buddy,” and LeeAnne sure as shit doesn’t want Brandi knowing all her personal bidness. Now, I don’t know if that’s the real reason LeeAnne isn’t airing her dirty laundry, for the purposes of this show, it’s a good enough excuse.

Over at D’Andra’s office, Mama Dee is (surprisingly) the voice of OBVIOUS FUCKING reason. D’Andra relays to her mom the whole timeline of her fight with LeeAnne, including the part in Beaver Creek where LeeAnne gave a valid excuse for her reluctance to get married and D’Andra still didn’t buy it…

… and ends with the explicit confession that she told LeeAnne that Rich was probably having an affair and ever since then she’s been a total bully to LeeAnne by asking relentless questions that LeeAnne has shot down.

Dee, like I said, states what is clear as day: maybe LeeAnne doesn’t want to get married. Maybe she does hate the fact that you’re forcing her to talk about something she doesn’t want to talk about. Maybe – did you ever think about this? – maybe it’s none of your fucking business. Dee finishes by telling D’Andra to start worrying about things that actually matter, like this business and the cryogenic youth sludge you keep forgetting to order. She also adds that she totally loves LeeAnne more than D’Andra since D’Andra is a boring palette of eye shadow with deeply awful clothing and LeeAnne is an enjoyable laugh riot who is fun to cook with, so could D’Andra please get this friendship back on track?

Next we have another scene that completely shriveled my ovaries. Oh my god. Remember how I said that This Bitch is like the death knell of feminism? Well Stephanie’s the living symptom. To start out, her sister Tiffanie (ugh) is in town, visiting from a small town in Oklahoma (where Stephanie’s from).

Stephanie tells Tiffanie about how nervous she is with Travis at Harvard for six weeks because she’s on her own with the kids in a great big giant house. Guys, Stephanie literally knows how to do NUH-THING.

The longest she’s been on her own was 10 days and it was enough to make her stand on the ledge of an overpass, clutching on to it with white knuckles, breathing down at the cars passing by, scared and exhilarated and vibrating, until Travis, who was smoking a cigarette on a nearby bench, noticed her. He walked over slowly and asked her name. “Stephania Vanderbilt Von Hoffstrom Ford Fartington,” Stephanie answered shakily, stiffly craning her neck to look him in the eye. “I’ll have to get you to write that one down,” he said, which made her giggle. She softened, ever so slightly.Then he told her a story about getting run over by a car in Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin, one day when he was really little and ice fishing in the street with his dear old dad. God, it sucked, Travis chewed, staring down at the cars and shaking his head for Stephanie’s effect. I bet Stephanie would hate to get run over by one of them cars. She would, she decided. Her life was an endless parade of parties and cotillions, yachts and polo matches, but it was worth more than this, hanging off a bridge and doing something stupid and dramatic and flippant. So she grabbed on to this new stranger’s hand. She went to a party with him and drank stout. She danced like a fool and laughed like she had never laughed before, dizzy in a cloud of tobacco. Travis, the stranger, followed Stephanie to her fancy stateroom, and then she disrobed to nothing but a very expensive necklace. “Dope tits!” Travis cried, and then he doodled her jugs on a napkin from a bar. She knew right then and there, with her eyes piercing in to his, blue and deep as the ocean, as a sea full of a woman’s secrets, that she loved him without condition or question. Her heart was soaring and her loins were aflame, and she let Travis take advantage of them both. And despite all the odds, he didn’t die, and he and Stephanie got married and had lots of babies, and now she doesn’t even know how to wash a dog.

Where are the towels that countertop is a death trap

Stephanie admits that she doesn’t even know how to pay bills. Say sister mine, she asks, do YOU know how to pay bills? Uh, yeah, Tiffanie says, I just set up autodrafts. Stephanie gets all Part of Your World and literally says, and it comes out of that… what’s the word?

“Account,” Tiffanie finishes helpfully. “Because I have a job and make money.”

Yeesh. But don’t worry about Stephanie, you guys. As she bitchily reminds us, she has handbags that are worth more than Tiffanie’s mortgage. LOL! Great. How pleasant it must be to be related to you, Stephanie Hollman.

The one silver lining she sees is that at least she’s gaining enough independence to be friends with people other than Brandi, which, um, fine, I guess? But like, when you’re in your 30s, isn’t that natural? I’m 32 and NOT being friends with people and coming home to watch these idiots on my couch, with my dog and my wine, is infinitely more gratifying than catching up with someone I don’t give a rip about (in Dee’s words).

Brandi and her ~~marital lifeboat~~ new baby meet Human Thumb Bryan for coffee.

Bryan struts in tucking his super fly Raybans into his very expensive polo his wife bought him, thinking he’s the hottest DILF in the joint. “Sup, little man,” he says, noogie’ing the little baby’s head, giving him autism for life. Such a sweet, chill dad! I definitely wanna bang this guy! Is what Bryan wants me to say.

Brandi tells Bryan that Bruin (god this fucking family and their Brnames) is sleeping better with the new nanny around, as if Bryan doesn’t even live with the kid. Bryan huffs that he could tell Brandi was struggling with the three kids and thought to himself, nobly, “please just hire a freakin’ nanny.” Instead of something selfish like, “hey, how can I help my wife with all of this overwhelming responsibility considering I am also an Adult Human Parent Who Created All Of This With My Generous Wife?”

This is all obviously a slot for Brandi to poo-poo LeeAnne’s insinuation last week that the Redmonds adopted Bruin to save their marriage, which she does, and who cares. Not me. In a flashback, we’re reminded that they used to fight a lot and Bryan, unsurprisingly, is the kind of grown man who says “dude” to his wife. Dude.

Brandi suggests that they take Bruin out of the carrier, which is a conspicuous nod to Bryan to HOLD THIS BABY AND LOOK LIKE A DAD, PLEASE.

So he does and it’s cute for LITERALLY three seconds, until this happens:

… which is obviously a problem for Brandi, and not the big man person at the table who knows a lot about football and stocks and the lunch menu at Scores but nothing bout changing no diapers.

You’re right Brandi. Brian’s a great dad.Question mark.

It’s time for the centerpiece event: the grand opening of Cary’s laser centerrrrrrr!

If you’ll remember from last week, this is where Cary helped Stephanie fire roast her taco back into a pin hole so she’d a) stop peeing her pants, and b) get as tight as some Boston College girls who shall remain nameless but definitely aren’t meeting some shady blockhead named Travis in the Back Bay area.

One less thing to worry about!
Oh and how long is this gunna take? I don’t like leaving my kids in the car for longer than an hour.

Mark is micromanaging everything and deciding how to safely set up a bar around all this bazillion-dollar medical equipment:

This Bitch shows up first and, continuing her trend of safe sex education through fashion, came dressed as a giant dental dam:

LeeAnne shows up next and shares this horrifying bit of information:

“I’m 100% into preservation of beauty. If after I’m dead a 21-year-old boy opens my coffin and would be interested in having sex with my dead body, that’s what I wanna do.”

Bravo, never fire this psychopath. Keep her on TV forever. Even when she’s dead and having sex with barely-legal grave robbing necrophiliacs. TELEVISION GOLD RIGHTCHEEAH.

Mark, bizarrely, walks up to hug LeeAnne:

Everyone is freaked out and confused, because remember this?

Of course you do. Never forget.

D’Andra, please.

True to form, this top is hidge. So D’Andra and This Bitch bond over both shopping at the same store that sells shapeless shiny tents for women.

Brandi shows up and everyone’s uncomfortable.

Cary gives a speech about how proud she is of herself (rightly), but somehow ties that back to her dick of a dad in her interviews because obligatory story line (he wanted her to go to medical school instead of nursing school, and she didn’t, because dads be absent or something, amirite).

And to be honest, outside of the forced connection to Cary’s dad (who again, we have never seen once this season), this is all really endearing and motivational. Cary is super proud of herself and will gush probably 80 zillion times throughout this episode about how shocked she is to see people come out and support her.

It’s like when you invite kids over to your house for the first time in high school and miraculously it turned into a sweat-slathered rage where people are puking in your grandfather’s urn and a couple is having sex in the dog crate and a drunk girl put a cigarette out on your cousin. Wow, people must really love me and not my free booze! I’m so proud of myself!

D’Andra reminds LeeAnne that Dee wants LeeAnne to come to some stupid cooking class…

… which gives LeeAnne the opening she needs to pull D’Andra into a side room for a constructive(?) one-on-one.

Words cannot express my ire for this profoundly horrible top.

LeeAnne tells D’Andra that she’s offended that D’Andra insinuated that she and Rich had an open relationship, and is also worried that she’s spending so much time with Brandi, who LeeAnne thinks is using D’Andra’s knowledge about the relationship against LeeAnne. D’Andra reminds LeeAnne that LeeAnne and Brandi aren’t friends, and LeeAnne rightly – and timely – responds that that’s exactly why she doesn’t want Brandi knowing her business. Of course, in LeeAnne’s hyperbolic delivery, it comes out that she “doesn’t feel safe” with it.

D’Andra maturely admits that “that’s fair” to LeeAnne’s face but then, like a pit bull, screams about how LeeAnne’s “deflecting” in her interview.

Meanwhile, at the bar (that’s been put in an entirely empty room), This Bitch asks about the fight that Brandi and LeeAnne got in at the No Tie gay prom. I got a screenshot that perfectly encapsulates This Bitch’s inflection:

It’s like she can’t talk unless her chin is on her shoulder.

Brandi explains how she thinks LeeAnne is jealous of D’Andra, and told LeeAnne at No Tie. Then, at the prodding of This Bitch, who is definitely not being led by producers when she asks questions like, “what did LeeAnne say when you told her all this. Was she like… freaking out. [dead eyes]” Brandi tells everyone that LeeAnne said Brandi only adopted Bruin to save her marriage. This Bitch and her condom earrings are totally incredulous in her interview, because This Bitch still hasn’t even seen her own show.

Oh My Gawwwwwd WHIIIIIIIIT

Meanwhile LeeAnne adds, also rightfully, that she’s concerned that D’Andra’s bringing Brandi to events to which Brandi is not invited, especially when Brandi is a drunk slob kabob.

And, oof, you probably saw this coming a mile away, but this is where LeeAnne (maybe intentionally) erases all the progress she and D’Andra had just made. By introducing the concept of a drunk Brandi, she’s called into question D’Andra’s own drinking, which leads to that weird kind of conversation where you’re like, I can drink a bottle of wine at lunch and still not be an alcoholic. HAHAHAHA RIGHT? I’M TOTALLY COOL AND FINE! And LeeAnne and D’Andra stare at each other in that kind of defensive “please don’t make this conversation about alcoholism” way and it’s super uncomfortable and I seriously want to quit this episode right now.

Because listen, I’ve had conversations with myself where the Little Angel Me is LeeAnne and the Little Devil Me is D’Andra, and I stop and ask myself, “hey, maybe I have a problem if I get nervous going home knowing there’s no wine to take the edge off. maybe I can’t do this recap if I don’t drink and make myself funny. maybe there’s a problem if I want a beer at 10 am on a Sunday because I think I need it to watch football.” And then I sit and stare at a wall, depressed and terrified that I’m even asking myself about my drinking habits, and I get that face that D’Andra does, because what the fuck? I’m not a mess. I kick ass at work. I drive places without wrecking my car. I have three amazing, healthy pets with gorgeous coats of fur and liver pâté in their breakfast. I have those pets because I’ve consciously made the choice not to have children, which I’ve carefully avoided with religious adherence to a pill and doctors’ visits and respect for my sexual and reproductive health. I slip into bed and fall fast asleep, surrounded by blue screens that blare content I’ve earned. I pay for my own vacations and luxuries… and… booze. And I realize that I justify how good I have it by the amount of free time I give myself to drink, and then I realize that I’m garbage, and not only that, but I hate the Angel Me, the LeeAnne, for making me feel like a wayward victim, for robbing me of the joy that a glass of wine brings.

Seriously, I hate this episode.

D’Andra asks if LeeAnne thinks she has a drinking problem, so LeeAnne backpedals and says that she’s noticed that whenever D’Andra’s with Brandi, the fun is always thanks to alcohol, and that’s probably because Brandi is under a lot of pressure right now and “needs an escape,” which D’Andra provides. In LeeAnne’s interviews, she full-on says, also, that in the past, D’Andra’s had a problem with alcohol. This is important. Take notes. Because you know LeeAnne might try to HouseTrump her way out of this.

D’Andra then yells about how offensive the insinuation is since her father was an alcoholic and shot himself while drunk, and OMG Jesus Christ and every other holy thing that was in that big book. What was it called. The Boogle? Yeah, that. But with a dad’s suicide on the table, this is officially too much.

I know I’m supposed to take this seriously but D’Andra looks like a murderous French clown.

LeeAnne insists that she wasn’t accusing D’Andra of being a drunk, but as D’Andra says entirely accurately, “LeeAnne is a master at not saying something, but implying everything.” And it’s true. LeeAnne is a beautiful tropical fish in this franchise. Just the right mix of funny and human and ruthless that turns a Housewife into a dynasty feature. But what keeps her on this show is her brilliantly calculated concern: her ability to gently pull someone aside and warn them that she’d never talk about their parachute adopted baby or their affair or their cracking veneer of sobriety, but someone else would, and LeeAnne’s just looking out for you.

But by then, the rest of the cast have tapped LeeAnne and D’Andra out.

Cary excuses herself to “go work” (aka get more drunk and hang over everyone, thanking them for coming) and D’Andra gets up to use the bathroom, so now it’s just LeeAnne and her lacky, This Bitch. This Bitch informs LeeAnne that Brandi’s all pissed because LeeAnne was BASHING BABIES. LeeAnne puts it in context: she just asked Brandi how she would feel! if LeeAnne ran around telling everyone that Brandi only adopted a baby to save her marriage. This Bitch plants her chin on her shoulder again to say ohhhhhhhhhhmigawd IGETITNOW.

LeeAnne’s all pissed (psyched) because now she knows she’s the villain of the show again.

FUCKJESS

Meanwhile, D’Andra and her heinous blouse go back to Brandi and Stephanie and the Friend Of Whose Name I Forgot (Joyce! haha Me: One, Alcoholism: Zero) to spew about LeeAnne and how vile her “accusation” was.

Stephanie and Brandi gush that they’ve “never seen D’Andra that drunk!” And a part of me wants to tap them on the shoulder and remind them of what functional alcoholism is. Like, par ejemplo, I don’t show up to charity events lit out of my fucking mind, swaying in the middle of a dance floor and blinking slowly, like Brandi. I don’t waltz across the world literally behaving the same way I did when I was 20 and funneling Long Island iced teas into my stomach, like Brandi. I don’t get drunk and go on Baby Finder and bring home a human, like Brandi. But I think about alcohol all the time and weigh my desire to drink tonight or drive somewhere, and hey! That makes me a functioning alcoholic.

But still, ya know what, I get it. Despite whether or not LeeAnne was accusing D’Andra of a problem or not, she touched on the very issue that killed D’Andra’s father. In a public way, on camera. And that is SUPER duper shitty. And D’Andra, because she’s not that brutal enough at this game, would never do that to LeeAnne. She’d never bring up LeeAnne’s absent parents. She’ll broil up a brew of infidelity rumors, but she’d never touch on something so traumatic.

D’Andra tells the seriously horrendous story of finding out about her dad died in her interviews. I’m not even going to touch on it because, personal shit. And that’s not what you’re here for. You’re here for joke’s about queefs.

Everyone perches around D’Andra as she cries and they say “GIRL…” like a million times.

I’m quickly learning that “girl!” is endemic to Dallas. It’s what they say in place of like, “listen to me” or “I’m so sorry.” GIRL. What an empowering word to these ladies, like a neon pink fist shooting out into a dark black, starless vacuum. An unraveling pussy hat, looking for an anchor. A woman-to-woman appeal. It’s like a feminine response to being surrounded by husbands like Bryan who start every serious overture with “dude.” Dude.

Girl.

So here’s what happens next.

Cary comes in and is hilariously and ironically wasted from “working” so hard at this event.

Alcoholic? Where. Where are the alcoholics. Can I have an alcoholic? What goes in it? I can NOT do tequila right now. OK maybe one tequila shot, chased with an alcoholic. Let’s party!
LOL BURP
Girl.

Before everyone leaves, the ladies all get together for their Bravo blog/Instagram/Reality Tea publicity shot, and LeeAnne takes it as her opportunity to explain to Brandi that the baby comment she made at No Tie was purely hypothetical.

I love how Cary is hypothetically just staring at the elevator, thinking about chicken wings.

Brandi totally doesn’t get what LeeAnne’s saying, insisting still that LeeAnne made an “accusation,” but she is right in her interview when she asserts that LeeAnne, at No Tie, was coming from a “hurtful, negative place.”

LeeAnne and Brandi go back and forth, spitting fire and staring daggers at each other, until Cary drunkenly leans in and is all, “mmmmmlesss not do this atmye bizness… nother time… my bizness…”

… so the ladies back off as Stephanie interviews that Brandi “isn’t blameless,” garbling on about how both LeeAnne and Brandi have said stuff to each other to “cut deep,” plus some bullshit about herself being omnipotent since she’s now friends with BOTH of them, yay!

The Face of Omnipotent Clarity

Stephanie and Brandi share a ride home and Brandi immediately launches into a tirade about LeeAnne. Stephanie, wisely, just sits and hums and nods supportively, saying absolutely nothing to damn LeeAnne.

… even when Brandi insinuates that LeeAnne is only being friendly to Stephanie to get under Brandi’s skin. That hurts Stephanie, understandably, since she already has a deep red negative opinion of herself, and would be triggered by the idea of someone using her. And triggered by the idea of someone trusted and intimate, like Brandi, insinuating that Stephanie is just emotional capital in a game of more powerful people.

I don’t need to spell out for you that even though Stephanie was ostensibly talking about LeeAnne right there, she was directing it to Brandi. Brandi, who doesn’t see the trees for the forest, and keeps haranguing about LeeAnne, calling her “smoke and mirrors.”

Stephanie, girl, poor Stephanie, just sits across her and nods meekly. Girl.

She’s just like D’Andra. She doesn’t understand the ways yet, girl. She’s still a flickering spark, flicking off the flint, girl, and creating all but the smell of sulfur with a spark. But she’s still a girl, girl, full of potential, full of fury, full of dangerous, weighty thoughts and volatile compounds. And girl, unfortunately those thoughts and compounds sit in the brain of a woman, trapped in the body of a girl, who like D’Andra, still doesn’t know how to free it. But that girl is in there, girl, and she’s waiting to break free. Rearing to show the world what this girl can do, girl. Ready to holler and throw and kick like a girl. Ready to conquer the world, girl. Because, girl, don’t you know? She’ll be a woman soon.

Girl!

Next Week: KETCHUP. KETCHUP. MORE KETCHUP. and bad white lady hair.

And there’s more shit about D’Andra being an alcoholic, but that’s not funny, so I’m ending this dumpster fire of a recap here. Bye!

Welcome to MY show. Yes, Yes, MisRed is channeling Vicki today. MisRed hopes everyone is doing just great, do you want to buy my phony Cancer insurance? KAC. Kill All Cancer.

Previously, tensions with Shannon have been bubbling up because Shannon is very self-focused at the moment. LOL. At the moment. How long, exactly, is a moment? By definition, I think it’s supposed to be pretty short. Yeah, well, Shannon’s “moment” is currently in its fifth year…

Shannon asks how Gina’s day was… not.

Anyhooooooooo, woo hoo. What else?

The women are sweating to death in their Jamaican Sweat (Steve) Lodge Penthouse, as it seems Mandy Cohen was too cheap to spring for A/C for these betches.

Tamra felt slighted when Shannon decided to raft with Vicki instead of her, so she will be gaslighting Shannon tonight.

Yeah, MisRed has her crystal ball out and polished.

Gina and Emily are upset Shannon isn’t taking the time to get to know them. Tamra thinks Shannon isn’t a good friend because Shannon never listens to Tamra’s problems. Tamra feels like she is enabling Shannon’s negativity. What else? Oh, Vicki is gross.

Well episode 14 really had it all, Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles…

Oh, sorry, that’s not this saga, that’s The Princess Bride. Although this episode does have something in common with The Princess Bride- it features The Queen of Putrescence, aka Vicki.

But let’s get current, shall we?

Just what we need… a full moon.

We are still in hot and sweaty Jamaica and it’s time for dinner.

flop sweats-level 10

It’s 7:55pm and Shannon announces she is sweaty and she doesn’t know how she’s going to get ready for dinner. Tamra gives her some good advice: “Rally!”

Welcome to MisRed’s world May thru September, and MisRed HAS air conditioning.

Somehow Gina, Kelly and Emily manage to get ready and get downstairs for 8:30pm. Tamra joins them at 8:33pm after asking Dorothy and Blanche what time they will be ready?

“Five minutes.”

Yeah right. That’s an hour in “Housewife.”

The girls ask Tamra where are the blue hairs? Tamra says- Eh, they are hot, they are sweaty, Vicki’s trying to bone the butler 4 times a day, Shannon can’t find anything to wear, Vicki needs a casserole.

The women decide to leave the Golden Girls behind and head to the restaurant.

Meanwhile, Vicki and Shannon are drying out their boob-sweat in front of a fan, laughing hysterically.

OUR EYES!!!!

Has MisRed mentioned how much she hates tardiness? To me, it’s all a simple math problem. Meeting time = getting ready time + 10 min buffer (to allow for jacking around) + time to get to designated meeting spot +5 to go to the bathroom one last time.

It’s not difficult and MisRed sucks at math.

Now, if you have kids, you need to build in the KBB. Kid Bullshit Buffer. Same with a husband. MrRed loves to lie down for a nap 40 minutes before we need to go to an event. Then he likes to PRETEND to be sleeping so that MisRed gets to the point of nearly choking him prior to leaving for said event. Either that or he does something UNNECESSARY 1 minute before we are about to get in the car- like he decides to fill the dog’s water fountain, which is a 5-minute job.

It’s all about the buffer, people.

Anyway, back to the tit-sweat-twins. They are drinking and drying.

The other women proceed to the restaurant at 8:45pm. In the van, Tamra regales the women of her heroics- trying to get Shannon in the mood to have a good time. Tamra PROMISES Emily, tonight is the night we will see “Fun Shannon.”

Don’t hold your breath ladies.

Gina thinks it’s all bullsh*t. She thinks it’s unacceptable for Shannon to be rude to everyone 98% of the time and they be expected to be grateful for the 2% Fun Shannon time. She says she’s “Fun Gina” all the time.

Yup. Fun Gina. Every second.

The ladies arrive at The Sugar Mill Restaurant and order cocktails.

At 9:30, Shannon and Vicki roll out of the hotel and board the bus. Isn’t it interesting how Vicki is always so carsick on every trip… she seems to have forgotten her affliction for this trip. They seem pretty tipsy.

9:45pm Shannon and Vicki arrive to the restaurant. Tamra interviews that it’s rude to make people wait. Yes, it is. They should have proceeded without Vicki and Shannon. They should have ordered their meals and eaten. The more you feed into this rudeness by WAITING the more they will be rude.

Shannon informs the ladies she is having surgery next week, so this will be “my night to go.”

Somehow we are to believe Fun Shannon will be materializing out of THIS.

Shannon explains she is having her eyelids done. Great.

Tamra asks Kelly which one of her stable of studs she has spoken with since she has been in Jamaica? Kelly says “Nada, tostada.” Kelly tells Gina she will have to rope in some men for Gina and teach Gina some of her moves.

Kelly gives us one of her classic moves- you go up to a dude and say “Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in there later.”

Yes, please. And film it. MisRed needs this.

The ladies talk about Gina dating and Kelly’s dating moves, etc., Shannon is unhappy and muttering to herself like a lunatic because the conversation isn’t about Shannon. “

Oh yeah, Fun Shannon coming at you in 3…2…1…

Cuz it’s so riveting…so riveting. Well, this is a really a fun dinner…not.”

Tamra sees the Shit Stirring Signal illuminated in the sky and goes straight to work.

In her interview she says this is typical Shannon – if the conversation isn’t revolving her she’s bored. And if you don’t like something, bitching about it is not going to help.

True. But now, where would that leave us? With a boring season.

Oh wait…we already have that.

But Shannon is being INCREDIBLY rude. It’s one thing to THINK these things, but it’s a whole other deal to mutter them under your breath… while wearing a ‘hot mic.”

They keep talking about how they are going to see “Fun Shannon” and Shannon says she’s “never not Fun Shannon.” It’s so refreshing to see one of the Housewives have an accurate view of themselves, isn’t it?

And perhaps we need a review of the definition of the word FUN.

Um, yeah, not Shannon.

Tamra says Shannon might want to ask Gina about “Fun Shannon.” Oh, nice to see Tamra paid for an extra piece of luggage because she went right in with the BIG paddle.

Gina says she thinks Shannon is fun with everybody else. Shannon claims she is “always laughing.”

Um, yeah, not Shannon.

Emily says they just want some personal Fun Shannon time.

Shannon ask if Tamra told them she is not good with “change?” Shannon is starting to get fired up. Tamra is like- “I did, and she says you won’t even give her a chance.”

Shannon disputes this, saying she and Gina had a great dinner a few weeks earlier. We flash back to a dinner scene between Shannon and Gina- filmed 5 weeks earlier.

I’ve seen death row inmates having their last meal exude more happiness.

Man, you know if we didn’t see this previously, it was a REAL KLUNKER.

Gina says the dinner was fine, but she always feels she has to reintroduce herself to Shannon.

Shannon in a classic tizzy

Shannon defends herself, gesticulating, wildly, “There’s a lot of new things in my life lately! I got a new house. I got no husband. I got a lot of new. I got a new business.” Tamra gives it another stir saying Gina has a lot of new stuff in her life too. She’s also going through a divorce too.

Vicki imitates Shannon. Stop it. You are not cute.

Gina says “Yeah, I’m scared, let’s do new together.” Shannon implies she doesn’t have time fro Gina. Emily interviews, regarding Shannon not having time for Gina- to tell a mother of three toddlers (WTF, Emily, one of Gina’s kids is 6- he is NOT a toddler anymore- he’s a borderline human.) that you have too much on your plate to say “Hi,” that’s the biggest bunch of bullsh*t I’ve ever heard in my life.

Shannon tells Gina she apologizes if she hasn’t paid attention to her, however, Shannon says she feels justified in how she has divided her time because Shannon has to make a future for herself.

And YOU are not part of the equation, honey.

Emily, channeling The Soup Nazi says, “No time for you.”

Uh oh, here we go, Shannon tells Emily not to put words in her mouth. Well, she didn’t, Emily just boiled it down for us. And don’t worry, Tamra will jump in to further stir, I mean, clarify- Emily and Gina said at the beach they don’t feel like Shannon makes an effort with them.

She doesn’t. At least not that we have seen.

Tamra continues -You don’t look them in the eye, you don’t talk to them. Shannon denies this. Gina says Tamra DOES look her in the eye. Shannon says Tamra is one of her best friends… and Gina says – “Yeah, and you don’t even check in on her when her husband has heart surgery, really so what kind of good friend are you?”

And the match is lit.

Shannon asks if Gina is serious? Shannon says she’s trying to have a nice evening, and she always hears about how she’s not Fun Shannon! She turns to Emily and says, “Where’s Fun Emily, who has one f*cking glass of champagne when we go out!!”

And Emily gets hit with some shrapnel from the side. Emily is like- What does champagne have to do with anything? She doesn’t need to drink to have fun.

Shannon starts to get loud and asks if Gina is going to criticize her friendship with Tamra and continues, Tamra will vouch that she is a VERY good friend.

Tamra just keeps saying “Shhhhh! Shhhhh! Shhhhh!” I love how Tamra thinks she will quell a nuclear bomb, one she launched, btw, with a thimble of water.

Gina says that they should let Tamra tell them all how good of a friend Shannon is to her. Everyone is like “Yeah Tamra, tell us.”

Uh…. ermmmm

Tamra stammers and is like – Oh f*ck. Yeah, she likes to just stir the pot with a LONG handle. She doesn’t like to get too close.

Classic Shannon move #1: She goes to the bathroom to avoid anyone confronting her. Tamra follows her.

PEOPLE. STOP FOLLOWING SHANNON. This is what she wants!! She runs away because she wants someone to follow her to draw the attention back to her. Let her go off and pout and cry. Once you stop running after her, she might stop behaving like a child. Also, who cares?

BTW, Vicki’s tits are a monstrosity.

Put a bra on. You are a grandmother for cripessake!!

In the bathroom, Shannon is freaking out.

Oh, let me guess, Shannon is DONE?

How dare Gina say this? How dare Gina say that. I have so much on my plate, blah blah blah.

Tamra, rightfully, is like “Everyone has shit on their plate.”

Back at the table, Gina is like- It’s not fair. I can’t even say my feelings are hurt by the way she treats me?

Gina has a point, but I really don’t know why she and Emily even care so much? But Gina is being a low-key bitch here. She KNOWS that Shannon is easily triggered. Yes, Gina is telling the truth, but she is fanning the flames here an trying to instigate the Tamra / Shannon fight. BUT, to be clear, just because Shannon is easily angered, doesn’t give her a pass to act this way. There are socially acceptable ways to be have and this isn’t one of them.

Shannon is still going off in the bathroom about how it’s the worst year of her life and she drops everything to answer the phone (Who is calling Shannon? It seems like it’s always Shannon calling everyone.). Shannon thinks this situation is making her look like and asshole. Tamra tries to explain to Shannon, Gina is going through a divorce as well. Shannon says it’s different because Gina’s husband isn’t berating her every day.

Gina wasn’t married to Grey-Haired Hitler!

How would you know, Shannon, you don’t talk to her about her divorce? And as an aside, if David is berating you every day, either ignore him or tell him to F*CK ALL THE WAY OFF! Don’t put up with that.

Tamra tries to explain that people deal with things differently. Shannon isn’t having it, she didn’t want it to be like this with David.

Well, divorce isn’t known for bringing out the best in people. Ugh, this is exhausting.

The restaurant is closing, and they really need to leave, but Shannon is still tearing the bathroom to pieces like the Incredible Hulk.

In the bathroom, Tamra tells Shannon it’s a good time to flip the switch. She needs to start making her days good and not giving into the negative. Uh too late. Vicki and Kelly are now in the bathroom too.

Vicki interviews that doesn’t want to get involved because she’s on good terms with both Tamra and Shannon. She wants to be Switzerland.

Vicki just got back in with these ho-bags, she doesn’t want to rock the boat by telling Shannon the truth.

Then Shannon says the funniest thing I’ve heard in a LONG time… “I don’t sit there and wake up with a negative attitude.” LOL. Shannon says she is overwhelmed with all of the great things she has going on and how she is going to get them all done.

Listen, I know divorce is difficult, but it’s not like Shannon has to get up and work three jobs to put food on the table. I’m sure she’s busy with her new business, but trust me, she has someone helping her with that. She is developing recipes, yes, possibly. There is NO WAY she is out sourcing fish and cream cheese and putting together production timelines and scheduling manufacturing time, etc. AND her kids are fairly self-sufficient. And she has sweet Archie for moral support.

Tamra gets in the van and announces Shannon is pissed at her. Thanks for the News Flash Connie Chung.

Outside the van, Shannon vents to Kelly about Gina saying she isn’t a good friend to Tamra. Kelly is like- well, that’s because Tamra says that.

You are like Vicki’s dress….not supportive.

In fact, Tamra spoke to Kelly about it that very day. Shannon can’t believe she is STILL saying this because she thought they had resolved that issue a month earlier.

Well, it’s one thing to talk about it, but to fully RESOLVE the issue, you have to put the resolution into ACTION. It’s one thing to apologize, but if you apologize and then don’t change your behavior, what’s the point? I’m not getting the feeling that Shannon is suddenly calling to check in on Tamra and her family, do you?

Shannon boards the bus. Tamra tries to talk to Shannon more about being positive and being thankful for the good things in her life. But Shannon ain’t having it, she goes back at Tamra about how they had resolved their unbalanced friendship issue but now it doesn’t seem to be resolved.

Deflection.

Tamra brought up the topic that day because everyone else was saying that Shannon never asks anyone how they are doing or what’s going on in their lives. Tamra interviews, she is DONE being Shannon’s punching bag.

Well, I mean, that’s a stretch. Shannon is VENTING to Tamra- and yes, I’m sure it’s exhausting and draining- but it’s not like she is lobbing punches at Tamra and her life, etc.

Shannon says she just wants to take a breath. Gina apologizes for upsetting Shannon. Shannon doesn’t accept the apology, but just repeats she needs to take a breath. They have an awkward ride back to the hotel.

Vicki asks if everyone wants to have a night-cap? Yes, that’s exactly what this sitch needs…BOOZE. Shannon says she wants to go to the room for a minute, wash her face and starts to storm off. The camera man follows her, and she tells them to stop following her and threatens to take her mic off.

Of course, Tamra follows her.

STOP FOLLOWING SHANNON, THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT SHE WANTS.

Shannon says she feels blindsided.

Shannon always feels blindsided. Maybe she needs her vision checked, because those Walgreens readers are not cutting it.

I’m blindsided

Tamra tells Shannon she is making TOO big of a deal about this. And every little blip in Shanon’s life can’t be blown up into a disaster since the Hindenburg. Shannon is taking off her microphone.

Yeah girl, take off two pairs of those spanx.

Shannon says she just wants 10 minutes alone to “decompress.” She asks Tamra to “respect” her and her feelings.

Shannon storms off.

Tamra comes back to the group and tells them what’s going on. She says she’s always too scared to confront Shannon and she was right to be because Shannon flipped her topsy tail! Gina feels badly that she unleashed the Shannon Beador Beast.

Has anyone checked how many lemons Shannon has in her bowl??? Because that could be the answer to this entire problem.

Cheers to this super-fun vacation!!!

At the bar the women continue to talk about Shannon. They says Shannon acts as if she is the busiest person in the world. Shannon has never worked and David took care of everything. Shannon complained to Tamra one day “I had to pay bills today, I had to take the kids.”

Welcome to real life, Shannon.

Miss Switzerland has spoken.

Vicki says Shannon has “rich girl problems.” Thought you were Switzerland, Vicki?

Emily and Gina go to bed, leaving Kelly, Tamra and Miss Switzerland at the bar. Tamra and Kelly talk about how Shannon will call them crying- at all hours. They say Shannon cries every single night.

Vicki says that Shannon needs to be medicated- she actually- and this is shocking- seems to be coming from a good place. Vicki admitted she took an anti-depressant when she and Donn were divorcing. Not sure why Vicki was so upset- probably about losing half of her money.

Who would be depressed with this stealing money from your purse?

They all agree Shannon is depressed.

Yup. MisRed agrees. Shannon is depressed. And has anxiety. And has caught a touch of the crazies.

They talk about how David told Vicki that Shannon sometimes sleeps until 10, 11 or noon. And he has to take the kids to school. He really should just let Sophie take his Porsche. They say David is a saint for enduring a marriage to Shannon.

Um, what?

They can’t imagine what it was like for David to have to deal with Shannon day in and day out.

Okay. Well, yes. However, I have to belief David is, at minimum, partially responsible for the Shannon we see today. Generally, people don’t drive themselves to crazy town. They usually have a little help. Also, it seems Shannon has ZERO coping skills. She interprets everything as a personal attack. She needs to chill.

Everyone goes upstairs at 12:30am and ask Shannon if she wants to come “next door.” We learn Vicki called the management (earlier in the day) and asked if they could be moved somewhere with some air conditioning. They are being moved to a new villa.

I guess Vicki is good for something. Who knew?

Shannon says she isn’t going to pack up, but they do need to talk.

Ok, buckle up. Here we go.

Shannon says she is so hurt – especially by Tamra. Tamra is like “Why?” Shannon says she and Tamra resolved their issues previously but Tamra keeps talking about it and it’s feeding into Gina and Emily’s claim Shannon doesn’t talk to them. Tamra says she BARELY talked about it to Kelly and the other girls, yet THIS is what Shannon is focusing on. Well, of course. Shannon isn’t going to take any blame for anything or accept any responsibility for her role in alienating Gina and Emily. She will deflect and focus on how Shannon is the victim in every situation.

Vicki says that it’s late and they should pack up and go to the Villa. Shannon turns to Vicki and is like “Vicki, WTF!”

That’s what I’m thinking, like, 24/7.

The women try to calm Shannon down. Again… like throwing a hot dog down a hallway, it makes zero impact.

Shannon says she has been a good friend to these women!!! Shannon says that she has DEFENDED Vicki to the end and now Vicki is going to turn on her?

Kills me to side with Vicki.

MisRed can’t believe she is even doing this but… I’m taking Vicki’s side for a hot second. Have we forgotten the past, what, 3 seasons? When Shannon wasn’t speaking to Vicki because of the Cancer Scam? Not that Vicki didn’t deserve it, she did, and still does, but Shannon wasn’t DEFENDING Vicki during this time- nobody was.

It’s killing me to say it but… Vicki is right.

Vicki interviews Shannon never called her, never gave her a hug or a casserole during that time.

Well, of course not, Vicki didn’t deserve it. But still Shannon can’t seriously think she has defended Vicki “to the end.”

Shannon continues to freak out. Kelly tells her she needs to relax.

RELAXXXXXXXXX

Well I know, when I’m upset, someone saying “Relax” ALWAYS calms me right down. Well calm enough for me to STAB them.

Everyone is just yelling at each other. Everyone says they are trying to say they care about Shannon and Shannon says they don’t know HALF of what she’s going through. Oh, something tells me they do know the WHOLE of it. Shannon isn’t one to NOT air dirty laundry.

Tamra tries to reason with Shannon saying “You cry every single night, Shannon.” Shannon says she doesn’t cry every single night.

I cry 5 nights a week, Tamra. 5 out of 7.
I stay up all night on Wednesday sourcing cream cheese from Philadelphia.
On Sundays I hit myself over the head with a frying pan!

Kelly says Shannon needs some medication- she says it in a nice way.

I WILL NOT BE MEDICATED!!!

Three Episodes ago…

Shannon says there is no way she’s going to go on medication. Vicki tells Shannon that she went on an anti-depressant when she was getting divorced.

F*ck. MisRed would, seriously, like to be medicated right now. SERIOUSLY.

Shannon says she is entitled to her feel her feelings!! Yes, she is. But why torture yourself? Go get a 90- day supply of happy.

Shannon basically tells them all to go away. She would like to stew in her own juices – rage, tears and sweat. “I’m entitled to feel my pain!!!”

Well if she wasn’t feeling her pain, she wouldn’t be able to get the attention she so desperately requires.

Tamra finally is like- Fine. Cry every night, I don’t care.

Well this ratchets things up to a new level. Tamra tells Shannon to stop yelling and listen for once in her life! Shannon can’t believe what she is hearing. She doesn’t yell all the time!! Yes, well, sometimes she’s asleep.

Oh dear.

Shannon says she has kept her head together to launch a business in five months. And she’s excited to go on dates. She’s excited about her life! She’s HAPPY!!

Can’t you tell???

Tamra goes off to pack and talk to herself about how she doesn’t give a sh*t about Shannon anymore. She interviews that Shannon will call her at 2am and cry about how she “can’t find her car. Or because her makeup didn’t turn out right.”

Uh… why can’t Shannon find her car at 2am?

Kelly interviews that Shannon will call Tamra, then her and will keep calling them until one of them answers.

I have 3 words for these betches: DO NOT DISTURB. Look into it in your phone settings.

Shannon rants and raves about how happy she is and how she is really looking forward to having fun on this trip.

Tamra, down the hall, is like “Oh, shut the f*ck up.”

Listen, Tamra is a sh*t-stirrer, but everyone reaches the end of their rope and she has reached hers.

Shannon maintains she WILL NOT GO ON MEDICATION. She will go to Dr. Moon and have him put the Twister spinner in her belly button and shove the Monopoly shoe up her ass and she will be cured.

Tamra comes back and says she is trying to help Shannon. Shannon says Tamra is making Shannon out to be some kind of mental case. If the straightjacket fits… But the one thing Shannon will not do is go on medication.

Great. Yeah, why try to feel better? Why try to HELP YOURSELF?

Oh, and Shannon resents Tamra telling her she needs to be on medication. Yeah, well, Tamra didn’t say it. It was Kelly and Vicki. Tamra is like- I never said that. Shannon is adamant Tamra said it. And Tamra is adamant she DID NOT say it.

We flash back 6 minutes. SIX MINUTES. This is how blinded Shannon is with rage and fury. Guess what? Tamra is correct, she didn’t say Shannon should take medication.

They fight and Shannon storms into the bathroom and closes the door and says she is going to bed.

All of the other ladies move to the nice cool Villa, while Shannon sleeps in the hot, humid, stuffy Zika Suite.

Well, she said she wanted to feel her own pain, and now she can.

They are staying at T-Rav’s House.

The women get up and get ready for the day’s activities.

Vicki, who apparently, starred in some kind of Jamaican bukakke film overnight, calls room service, orders breakfast and asks them if Shannon will like them again by the end of the day?

Don’t count on it.

I mean, her guess is as good as anybody’s.

Tamra and Vicki discuss Shannon’s behavior. Vicki says when she was leaving, she saw Shannon in the kitchen pouring herself a glass of Vodka.

Oh, well then, Shannon is medicating herself. In the wrong way, but … A of Effort.

When did Tamra get a belly button? She probably took Eddie’s when he was under anesthesia.

Vicki tries to call Shannon. She doesn’t answer. Vicki leaves a message offering to stay behind from the excursion to hang out with Shannon.

The excursion is to go “Jamaican Bobsledding.” Emily is not excited for the 90-minute awkward bus ride. They discuss Shannon and Gina feels badly she upset her, but really Gina was trying to relay to Shannon that Shannon hurt HER feelings.

Sorry Gina, you are not permitted to have feelings at this time.

Nobody can get in touch with Shannon. Tamra says she is not calling her anymore.

What have we done to deserve this???

Vicki comes out in a lace/ macramé get up. It’s an eyesore as are most of Vicki’s wardrobe choices. Tamra suspects Vicki has butt implants.

Kelly informs us she is excited for the bobsledding trip because the Jamaican Bobsledders won the Olympics!

Uh… Kelly please fact check.

The van driver tells the women about some of the highlights of the island, and the parishes there. Emily asks if there are Mormons on the Island and the driver confirms. Emily says “Yay! My people!”

The bus driver things she said “Yay, White People!” LOL

Yay!!!! White People!!! WTF?!?!!?

Tamra and Eddie texted that morning, and Eddie is proud of Tamra for exploding all over Shannon’s sh*t.

They get to the bobsledding park and while they are waiting they discuss Vicki’s outfit and she twerks, scaring the Bobsled park guide.

Jamaica, I’m sorry.

MisRed can’t tell you what happens after this because she has lost her eyesight.

The ladies bobsled. Whatever, it looks fun and unfortunately Vicki’s sled doesn’t go off the track and explode in a fire ball.

Vicki shrieks and screams the entire time. Shut up.

Later in the gift shop, Vicki wants to buy Shannon a t-shirt and requests an XL from the worker. She may have said Shannon gets an XL for her “attitude.” The worker thinks the XL is for Vicki, but Vicki informs the worker the XL isn’t for her- as she is “A medium.”

Hope Vicki is ready to get her head torn off at the reunion.

The only way Vicki is a medium is if she can see the future and give me the winning lottery numbers. .

On the way to lunch Tamra states, as if it’s a matter of fact, Vicki had a Brazilian butt implant. Kelly says Vicki has been using booty bands.

Is this necessary? People are eating.

Come on… have we ever seen Vicki actually work for something she could just pay a plastic surgeon to do instead???

Someone has Vicki’s number.

The girls have lunch and discuss Shannon AGAIN. Tamra is like “Who is missing?” Vicki can’t believe Tamra has forgotten about Shannon already.

So nice when Tamra pretends she’s not Satan.

They still have not heard from Shannon. Vicki texted her again but got no response. Gina doesn’t understand why they are feeling badly for Shannon?

MisRed agrees. I mean BIG PICTURE, it’s okay to feel badly for Shannon, but Shannon is ruining this vacation for EVERYBODY with her histrionics. And frankly, at her age, it’s a little gross. Small picture, people feeling badly for Shannon in the moment: Nope. This is exactly what Shannon wants. She wants to turn on her phone to a slew of texts and voicemails, so she can feel loved.

Stir that pot while you plant those seeds…

Vicki tells the girls she saw Shannon pouring herself a big glass of vodka. So they surmise Shannon is “self-medicating.” Okay, so now we will have the Shannon is a crazy alcoholic storyline. Great.

Gina doesn’t think the real problem is about herself and Emily. Thanks for the revelation Nostradamus.

Yes, you do.

Next week, Tamra and Shannon have a sit down and Tamra tells Shannon she won’t allow her to speak to her the way she did. And says “I don’t f*cking deserve it!” Yes, you do Tammy Sue, you are the worst.

So what do you guys think? Has Shannon gone off the rails? Is Gina a secret bitch? Why does Emily only have one f*cking glass of Champagne? Will Kelly ever get some Jamaican weed? Did Vicki have butt implants? Can we outlaw macramé, just for the sake of MisRed’s long-term-occular-well-being? Tell MisRed all your feelings… she’s here for you. Just like Shannon was there for Vicki. Xoxox.

What did the Daddy Tomato say to the Baby Tomato as they were crossing the road?

Catch up!

That’s the recap. This whole episode was about ketchup and that’s all that happened in Dallas this week. A bunch of tomatoes were robbed of their innocence and cooked into a senseless catastrophe of meat and peppers (the sex of which we’ll never know), all because there were more important women screaming over them, splooshing them into half-cup measures and dumping them into a loaf pan.

More than you realize, that ketchup is all of us, destined for a fate for which we were never designed. Before you’re baked into a mealy paste, would you like to know what happened on Real Housewives of Dallas this week? Shh, shh. Rest your buoyant red flesh on my breast and I’ll tell you.

D’Andra is going to do a SEXXY photo shoot with her SEXXXXY husband for her SEXXXXXXXY brand that reminds her all about SEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXSSSSS. (ps it’s an anti-aging product line) She is very grateful to her busy photographer husband Jeremy for doing this for her so she is going to pay him back with a weekend of hot hot sex-doing. Oh man, 30 seconds in and I am dry as a bone, come and get it boys. We get some back story on why she named her business Hard Night Good Morning as she talks about “being a party girl” and honks her tits some more to make us think of wild and crazy naked people. So D’Andra wants to remind her customers that her anti-old people gunk is for women of all ages, which is why she, a third-anniversary-of-my-49th-birthday-year-old is going to pose for some promotional pieces a la Kim Kardashian in 2007.

Except in this case Jeremy is Kris and it’s 40% less creepy.

D’Andra takes some pictures and they’re… um… fine.

They’re like a cross between a commercial for female libido stimulants and a commercial for Activia. Which I think is the aesthetic D’Andra was going for, so good for her. Also, can we talk about this hair? It’s giving me nightmares:

I’m sorry, but if you’re 49 and seventy quarters years old you should not have hair so long it touches your butt. And if it does, it’s probably full of spiders.

During a break, D’Andra tells Jeremy about the upcoming cooking lesson with Dee and LeeAnne and talks about how nervous she is after LeeAnne kind of called her an alcoholic. It’s the same story we watched with our own eyes, so I don’t need to get into it. LeeAnne was awful and wrong and since this is a reality show D’Andra unfortunately and contractually has to invite LeeAnne to family gatherings instead of doing the normal thing and just block her on Facebook and gosh doesn’t that suck. Jeremy calls LeeAnne immature.

And you know what that means. Stay tuned for the hilarious gay rumors LeeAnne will spread about Jeremy in Season 4! He reasonably asks D’Andra why LeeAnne’s even coming to the cooking lesson if she’s being such a snizz, and D’Andra says ruefully that Dee wants her there.

Speaking of cameras breaking…

This Bitch is at the grand opening for a boutique of a friend she met on the charity circuit. This Bitch is there to support because, in her words that don’t come out right, she’s “a big fashion-ihsta.”

As a side note, I want to point out something super annoying about This Bitch (like, a 1,394,745th something) that just came to my attention this episode because she did it like 84 times. You know that awful, fake way that Housewives say “hi” to each other? HIIIIIIIII-yeeeeeeeee!, like they had assumed you fell down a well this morning and are super proud and surprised you managed to crawl out of it and make it to this event looking fabulous?* This Bitch does that thing but SO EXTRA. Her voice reaches a decibel only dogs can hear, and since she’s usually pouting at her friends to show fake sympathy, the “hi” is also tinged with this quality that sounds like she’s crying. I wish I had audio abilities here.

HIIIIIIIIIIIYEEE

* for a good reference watch this video at the 0:27 mark. It’s the second-worst offender, Kelly Bensimon, doing her worst “hahhhh-yeeeee!” yodel.

Anyway Cary and LeeAnne show up and seriously, LeeAnne wastes absolutely no time getting to her grief about D’Andra. I think she walked in and said “hi” (like a normal person), grabbed a flute of champagne, and the first word out of her mouth was “D’ANDRA.” This is why I love LeeAnne. Bitch is here to get them papes. She’s a Housewife, not a politician. Let’s cut to the chase!

Can This Bitch PLEASE stop making this face to other adults? I know that as Duchess Big Bux she’s gotta feel sorry for all us Poors but damn.

LeeAnne yells about how D’Andra is all up in her business with Rich and Cary makes a point about staying out of private family matters that goes right over LeeAnne’s head, because remember?

In her interviews, Cary doesn’t feel sorry for LeeAnne and is glad she’s feeling the irony in someone else questioning her relationship with Rich. LeeAnne then squawks about how bad it is that D’Andra’s always wasted with Brandi – not that she’ll use the word “alcoholic,” but she will note over and over from now on that drinking is the only thing Brandi and D’Andra do together. I don’t know why she doesn’t just call a spade a spade (not that I think either Brandi or D’Andra are alcoholics), but I do agree with her that charity organizations probably aren’t likely to invite guests back when they show up plotzed as Brandi and D’Andra did at the No Tie fundraiser.

LeeAnne claims that D’Andra and Brandi are “bullying” her, which gives her the right to at least call Brandi an alcoholic and make a broad, powerful, sweeping generalization about Brandi’s mental health. Yeah that checks out! Don’t worry, seriously, all this maniacal hysteria on LeeAnne’s part comes from a real place: she cries in her interviews about how girls in high school teased her relentlessly, and she spent her years with her “head in her locker.” BUT NOT THIS TIME. Not now. No, now LeeAnne is pushing back, chanting out totally rational and mature mantras like, “somebody else is gunna die; it sure as fuck won’t be me.”

Yeah! Eat a dick, bullies!

OK so the next part is so dumb. Basically, we need to set up some bullshit reason for all the girls taking the cast trip to Copenhagen this season, which we already started to do when Cary talked about wanting to reconnect with her dad’s family there (and if she does that, then her dad will love her again or something, so added bonus). Back in the 90s, Cary’s dad was feeling kinda lonely, so he took out a bunch of ads in a bunch of Northern European newspapers with the headline, “ARE YOU MY MOTHER?!”

And it worked! He found his mother, and a bunch of other weirdos he was related to, too. Also, hey, isn’t this cool, one of Cary’s long lost relatives is a cousin with a sexy name like CAMILLA and she’s a MUSICIAN. She’s basically like Denmark’s hottest pop star, with hits like “Fløørgen my Shtoople” and “Croåshitzein my Herðubreið” and “Birthday Sex,” and would you believe it, she’s playing at the Copenhagen Mall and Galleria in downtown Copenhagen for ONE NIGHT ONLY, the night that Cary will be there! Cary can get FRONT ROW TICKETS to see the world— er, Copenhagen-famous CAMILLA in front of tens of screaming fans!

Oh bummer, Mark pretends, I have surgery all day that day and Zuri has a spring program and gosh darnit fiddle sticks and slim jims, I guess you’re just gunna have to make this a girls trip. Nnnnnnnnnyerrrrr but I’m gunna miss you seeeeewwwww muuuuuuuuuch.

Behold the face of a man calculating how many strippers he can fit in this bed

Cary Facetimes her mom Ann and sourpuss of a dad Chris to tell them she’s going to the last stop of Camilla’s Jump 4 My Luv Super Sparkletime Rainbow Denmark Tour and she’ll bring them both tshirts and they’re like hey that’s mega kewl!

There’s a scene with Stephanie and Travis toasting one last night together before Travis goes away to Harvard Business School for six weeks.

They don’t really talk about anything except how nervous Stephanie is to be alone for that long, and god, is it depressing. Guys, Stephanie’s like, a basket case sort of? Not that I’m making fun of her, because depression and anxiety are absolutely real. And with Stephanie, it’s paralyzing. Like, I feel like she’s one of those people who praised the invention of food delivery apps because it saved her from calling a stranger on the phone. She is certifiable. She’s worried that she’ll burn the house down or accidentally drop one of the kids down the chimney or drive the car through the living room or otherwise do something that will have Travis come home and realize he married “the village idiot.” And I get it, but I hope she knows that she’s never truly alone – an assumption I made based on the MULTIPLE RANDOM PEOPLE WALKING AROUND HER BACKYARD.

Maybe they’re ghosts. Maybe that’s why Stephanie’s so stressed. Maybe The Real Housewives of Dallas is one long Leonardo DiCaprio psycho thriller with a big twist at the end and STEPHANIE’S BEEN DEAD THE WHOLE TIME.

D’Andra drives out to Dee’s cooking class at a friend of Dee’s house in Cedar Creek Lake.

As a reminder, this is the face of makeup that Dee wears in the middle of the screamin day. To teach her friends and family how to cook meatloaf.

Caszh. You know.

D’Andra tells Dee’s friend Marian that she and LeeAnne are in a knock-out horrendous fight so get ready to have a barrel of laughs when everyone’s crowded around the kitchen island together. Marian and Dee console D’Andra by letting her know that they used to fight all the time but still managed to always make up and still look like stone cold foxes in the process:

Either open communication or Aquanet kept these friends together forever

Rich and LeeAnne show up and D’Andra greets them the same way I greet anyone who shows up to my mom’s house when I’m there:

[mouth and fists full] “I’M ALREADY EATING AND DRINKING”

Rich “brought his lunch” in case he doesn’t like whatever Dee and Marian are cooking:

Which I get. Marian and Dee are from the same generation that jellied everything instead of taking half of the time it would require to use fire, and thus produced culinary abominations like this:

So, apparently this “cooking lesson” is a similar midcentury practice in PLEASING YOUR MAN, you know, so he’s *gentle* when he drags you back into the cave, which is why Rich and Jeremy and Court were invited. It’s not to help. It’s to sit on the porch and get tanked on bourbon and talk about how dumb women fights are before they barrel back into the kitchen and holler about wanting their Stegosaurus steak. Dee tells everyone that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. LeeAnne disagrees:

i don’t get it

Then Dee tells everyone that her daughter who is right there in the room blames Dee for her “weight problem” because Dee was a chain-smoking idiot who read the Sears & Roebuck catalog after she fed D’Andra a healthy after-school snack of [THANKSGIVING] and let her play with the dry cleaning bags.

Hey thanks mom! So glad I brought you on my television show.

Dee and Marian give D’Andra a “Queen Bee” apron, which hearkens back to LeeAnne and D’Andra’s drunken, off-camera (FAIL, Bravo) fight in Beaver Creek over who was the Queen Bee. D’Andra sees this as a warning from Dee to LeeAnne to “not mess with my daughter.”

LeeAnne gets a boring old lady apron with flowers on it and she drawls out that she’s “happy as a spring dayyyyyyyy.”

Just then, the doorbell rings, and a high-pitched wind blows through the house. Everyone clutches their ears to their skulls and scream in silence.

Surprise! It’s This Bitch! And guess what, she brought along the Most Awful Human Being On The Planet with her, Jimmy Westcott.

Jimmy Westcott. Queen of the Universe. Important Woman for No Reason at All. Her farts smell like a Glade Plug-In and her teeth are made of fake pearls from the deepest depths of the Neverland Sea. What. Who. Huh. Harpo, who dis woman? I don’t know, but rest assured, in five minutes you’re going to hate her as much as I will. Just to tee that up, just to prove what a charade this woman is and the social racket she’s running, here’s who Jimmy Westcott is in D’Andra’s own words:

Jimmy is basically the matriarch of the Westcott family. Kameron will follow in Jimmy’s footsteps because she married Court Westcott, and she will be now the person that takes up that mantle and becomes the next Jimmy Westcott.

Oh yes, of course. As the sacred tomes proscribe! That is you see, unless another asinine, thirsty gold-digger challenges Kameron in front of the tribe, then ruthlessly defeats Kameron in a battle to the death on a cliff side waterfall overlooking the great kingdom of Westcottia, usurping Kameron’s claim and seizing the Jimmy Westcott crown all for herself. All hail the new Jimmy, the tribe will murmur in obligatory tradition and destitute shock. But kowtow they will, for their queen has reduced. All hail the new queen.

LOL, everyone, please sit down and shut the fuck up. Jimmy, go wait in the car.

Here’s another great shot of the weird faces This Bitch makes when she talks. Here she is asking “what are we MAY-keeeeeeeeeennnnn-guh?”

I don’t know what happened in the next couple of minutes because someone blasted out an unholy wave of ketchup straight into my eyeball holes and now I’m blind and will forever smell like a sticky Burger King table.

Now, I’m not a chef by any means, but I do know a thing or two about condiments: 1) they were invented to make vegetables go away, and b) they are not supposed to be cooked. The idea of eating a hot chewy loaf of ketchup is enough to make me stop eating for days (just kidding, maybe 10 minutes).

They finish preparing their meatloaves and D’Andra notes kindly that it all looks like dog food.

Remember what I said about Dee and Marian’s generation of cooking? Pretty on point.

And remember what I said about why the men came? Jeremy makes a joke and pretends to be a monster all “WHERE’S MUH MEAT” and no one laughs and it’s sad.

When This Bitch, D’Andra, and LeeAnne are alone in a shot together, This Bitch asks them what happened at Cary’s party the other night. LeeAnne immediately starts screaming in front of everyone’s mothers and husbands (LOL I love her) that she didn’t call D’Andra an alcoholic, she just wanted to say that Brandi should get to know D’Andra as someone other than a drinking buddy. This Bitch is all:

YAH.

Then, as Dee awkwardly cuts through them to fill a kettle, This Bitch lectures D’Andra about having drinks at a fundraiser and being outright intoxicated. LeeAnne adds (correctly) that, case in point, Brandi was physically swaying at the No Tie fundraiser, unable to keep still. D’Andra says that she doesn’t remember… seeing that… (… because… she… was wasted). This Bitch is all:

“YAH. SHE WUZ.”

… even though This Bitch wasn’t even there, LOL my god.

Wanting to prevent a shoe bomb from going off in her friend’s kitchen, Dee asks LeeAnne to speak with her on the couch. Meanwhile, D’Andra keeps sneaking bites of food off the counter. I love seeing these tiny pieces of evidence that D’Andra was a secret fat kid (because I totally identify).

On the couch, LeeAnne leans close in to Dee and tells her in her softest, most cloying purr that gosh, Mama Dee, D’Andra thinks me and Rich are leading separate lives, and heavens me, that’s just so far from the truth, and sweet virgin above, Mama Dee, I just love my dear Richard so ever much, and I spend all day with him organizing our prayer cards and talking about botany, and sometimes – only sometimes – do I ever stray from him for a few hours of evening merriment, square dancing in the barn while he’s home polishing spoons, and I feel like such a jezebel sometimes doing it, reaping the pleasure that I do, but never would I ever betray that sacred bond between me and Rich and our hard unyielding bed of cedar planks, never, Mama Dee!

Dee listens to her with the blood-pumping thrill of mixed authority and motherhood. LeeAnne then leans in ever so further, and hums: “I’m concerned because D’Andra has so many beautiful sides, and I think the only side Brandi wants to appreciate is the one that wants to get drunk.”

Way to nark, LeeAnne.

Dee winces because alcoholism runs in D’Andra’s family: D’Andra’s father and grandfather were both alcoholics, and Dee’s warned D’Andra about substance abuse before. LeeAnne admits that she also comes from a line of alcoholics and gets the precaution. In her interviews, LeeAnne says that “blood is thicker than water,” condemning D’Andra for being born to an entire family with a horrible genetic disease, so, ya know, that’s all super. Good job, Locken.

Dee imparts the “motherly advice” (read: token Housewives catchphrase) of not letting a fight like this destroy LeeAnne and D’Andra’s friendship. It’s the kind of wisdom you gain after living 77 hard years on this earth, or just watching 16 minutes of Bravo.

On the other side of the room, this classist abortion is happening.

nnnngnnnnOh bruther. This Bitch and Jimmy try to gently warn D’Andra that Brandi is like SARS to Dallas aristocrats (but not before D’Andra has to apologize for putting her own dog on her lap because “it’s bad manners to have dogs at the table” and D’Andra doesn’t want any cotillion demerits). D’Andra explains, like a-wayyyyyy more calmly than I ever could, that unlike This Bitch, she is almost 50 and childless and can do whatever the fuck she wants, please and thank you very much.

Oh, OF KOUUUUURRRRRSE, This Bitch comments, IIIIIIIIIII know that, but I’m *concerned* about other people “in our group” who may run off and talk about you. Jesus Christ, This Bitch, what are they going to say? D’Andra went to a rodeo and had a beer and maybe laughed at a joke about the government? Seriously, what the fuck is this. An Edith Wharton novel?

Turns out – YES! Jimmy reminds D’Andra that she lives in a “conservative city” like Dallas that apparently totally cares whether or not you needed to catch an Uber home from Rock Bottom last night, and This Bitch and LeeAnne are seriously like THE ONLY PEOPLE YOU CAN TRUST so definitely turn yourself into a shut-in and never speak to anyone but your mother and husband again, lest you be ostracized and sent to live in a nunnery.

Jimmy tells D’Andra to walk the line…

(literally)

… and then tells D’Andra this horrifying story about one of This Bitch’s friends: “Kameron has a friend, and [looking This Bitch in the eye] she knows exactly who I’m talking about, and I have said Kameron! You cannot be around this person! This person’s reputation is so awful that someone might think that you are like that! So you just can’t do it. I’m sorry, but you just can’t do it.”

Conclusion: This Bitch lets her mother-in-law tell her who to be friends with. What a happy existence. What a wonderful life. What a curious sky burning above me, raining out cinder and as it signals the End Times. Say, has anyone seen the SIG Sauer?

D’Andra concludes that Jimmy is just there to warn her about Brandi, but This Bitch claims that Jimmy is a “mama bear” who “just wants to protect my friends.” Um, didn’t you just meet D’Andra like 18 months ago? What the hell is happening. I’m sorry, This Bitch, but hard as you train Jimmy, she will never vanquish Mama Dee as the matriarch of Real Housewives of Dallas.

Meanwhile, Rich and Jeremy are outside having one of those sexist Househusbands conversations like bitches be fightin amirite LOL this stoagie is almost as small as my dick. They pat themselves on the back for not being as trivial as the “girls*” they’re married or engaged to. “I’m glad I have a penis,” Jeremy says, literally out loud into the oxygen the whole world is breathing. Oh my God, never talk again for the rest of your life, says Rich.
* these are middle aged women; men – please stop calling females over the age of 19 “girls”

Once everyone’s done demoralizing each other, it’s time to eat!

This Bitch reinforces gender norms by *demanding* a pink place mat, because cats are girls and dogs are boys and pink is for uteruses and blue is for duderuses:

Dee gives some bullshit speech about friendship and food and her dead husband and it’s too dumb to recap but there was a [CLOSE SHOT] of D’Andra and LeeAnne so like, this is supposed to matter. They’re supposed to be friends, you guys. Care about that or something.

Next there’s a scene that’s so stinkin cute and lovely, my cold dead sardonic heart can’t even find the steel it needs to make fun of it.

Brandi meets Travis to shop for Stephanie’s 10th Anniversary gift at a Most Expensive Things In The World store, just off Route 64 in Weekapogue. And he’s like, actually charming. Goofy, excited, engaged. He sees Brandi and lights up. He immediately (immediately!) reaches for Bruin and says, “let me take this thing,” and then walks around the store with the baby in his arms, even when the baby poops and farts. That’s not even something Bruin’s own dad is willing to do, as we saw last week. You guys, what the fuck happened to the boor that was Travis? Why is he so wonderful all the sudden?

……………….dotdotdot

ohmygodheisinlovewithbrandi
andbruinisreallyhisbiologicalson
questionmarkdon’tsueme

Um. Well, whatever! The point is he’s in a good mood and the image of not-couple Brandi and Travis and their not-love child shopping for obscenely expensive jewels is adorable. Even the sales guy can’t help but feel his heart all aflutter.

God, and even the story behind this store is adorable. Brandi came here with Travis 10 years ago to help him pick out Stephanie’s engagement ring. How can people this … [tries to think of adjective] … ON A REALITY SHOW be so deep and feeling and better and richer than me? I quit life.

And then Travis pays like 350% of the value of my car for this and I jump out the window and this recap is over because I am dead:

See ya next week, which is never in the afterlife.

Commercial recap! Bravo is doing a scripted series called Dirty John, based on the true story of a grifter who conned his way into an undeservedly cozy marriage with a wealthy LA decorator and wreaked havoc on her family. Despite my heroes Eric Bana and Connie Britton starring, it looks like a wet blanket compared to the actual podcast, which I urge you to listen to, especially if you want to be reminded that men are garbage. It is an incredible story filled with wonderful feats of heroism by the women you’d least expect, and despite its persistent cruelty it is a testament that bullies and cheaters don’t always win.

So anyway, the finale of the episode is at the unveiling of a mural based on one of Jeremy’s photographs. Jeremy is – in all seriousness – an amazing photographer who focuses on the military and is the only person to win the Military Photographer of the Year Award seven times. A team of muralists have painted one of his award-winning photos on a wall…

… which is of a group of Marines spontaneously break dancing in Djibouti. Jesus Christ, Real Housewives of Dallas, stop being so human. Everyone is assembled at the building the mural’s painted on (which is obviously and conveniently: A Bar).

On an honest note, I really love the drunken, giddy, lusty way Jeremy kissed D’Andra here, almost as much as I honestly hated that other woman’s botched dye job.

This Bitch shows up with another terrible flowy pink curtain dress and the same pink denim jacket from the Camilla’s Jump 4 My Luv Super Sparkletime Rainbow Denmark Tour, screeching out [UNINTELLIGIBLE WAVE DISTURBANCE DISGUISED AS HI] to everyone:

And even though I know they arrived in an SUV it seems as if the top was down the whole ride over, based on Court’s hair:

D’Andra makes it clear that she’s totally pissed with This Bitch for dragging Jimmy out to the cooking lesson to slap D’Andra on the wrist for not being a lily white debutante, reminding us that carting out the mother-in-law on Real Housewives is like bringing a gun to a knife fight. But I like how D’Andra says “I don’t bring my mother to the dog fight; I fight the fight myself,” when she’s talking about a conversation that happened at her own mother’s party where she literally asserted her mom was defending her based on an apron D’Andra wore.

Cary and Mark, Stephanie and Travis, and Rich (minus LeeAnne, because they Lead Separate Lives, despite Rich willfully going out to support LeeAnne’s friends without her) all show up and the mural is unveiled, and yay, it’s cool and amazing and stirring and supporting our troops is a bipartisan issue and this whole thing brought tears to my eyes.

Not to be outdone, This Bitch wants to make the night about herself, so she shout-talks to D’Andra: HEY GURL, LIKE THAT WHOLE COOKING THING WITH YOUR MOM WAS AMEEZING DID YOU HAVE FUHHHHHHHHHNNNNN? And I have to respect D’Andra for saying this about Dallas’ Hera, Goddess of all Goddesses, aka Jimmy:

This Bitch immediately fucks off D’Andra’s feelings by starting with “NO. NO. NO,” as if personal feelings are something to argue, and insists that Jimmy was just trying to be sensitive, because by the way D’Andra, EVERYONE IS TALKING ABOUT YOU AND I AND MY MOTHER IN LAW CARE. D’Andra:

I’m drunk at this point, so let me just call it now that despite her insipidly wretched taste in fashion, I will always be SO. PROUD. of D’Andra. She explains completely rightfully that she felt “attacked” (ambushed may have been a better word, but w/e) by two women ganging up on her and trying to make her feel bad about grabbing a few drinks with a person she likes to let loose and maybe live her life like this isn’t 18th Century St. Petersburg. This Bitch, offended beyond belief, explains that she is dis-KUSTED.

And I’m disgusted that you wore prophylactics on your ears, so good I guess we’re even.

This Bitch is appalled that D’Andra “brought her mother-in-law” into the conversation (even though This Bitch brought Jimmy to the actual situation we’re talking about and encouraged gold-painted diarrhea bees to fly out of her mouth) and warns D’Andra that Jimmy “is not a woman you want to piss off.”

This Bitch doubles down and forebodes that people are going to be talking shit about D’Andra, like people who saw her hold a Keurig cup in between her butt cheeks while she was wearing leggings (which would be This Bitch and practically no one else, so I think we found the culprit).

This Bitch intimates that this conversation offends her because it’s about her deity mother-in-law (bless her holy name),. So, armed with something she can actually fight for (the title of a family that no one cares about), This Bitch can finally act indignant on this show. She’s had her first fight! She’s finally got an enemy! Yay, I finally have a personality like a Real Woman, Andy! Can I be on Watch What Happens Live now?

So yeah anyway, This Bitch leaves D’Andra’s event in a huff. Huff being a flurry of self-righteous imaginary feelings, of course.

Outside with Cary, This Bitch takes the same route as her mentor LeeAnne, shitting all over D’Andra under a veil of concern, sobbing about how “tired she is of people in Dallas talking about her.” Oh, well then thank god for you, This Bitch, putting an end to all the relentless, ruinous gossip about D’Andra that literally no one knows anything about and is not even sneezing on this make-believe TV show.

Meanwhile, D’Andra gripes to her mother, and Dee has a perfect response, which is: why let other people make such a dent? You were born into a high-profile name and jealousy will always be a burden. Live your motherfucking life. Where’s the bar tender. My husband’s dead and nobody gives a RIP WHAT I do. Hey does that guy look single to you? Give him this key I’m in room 310 across the street.

Guys, Dee is really great this episode.

Anyway, because someone disrespected the Queen of Westcondia, This Bitch just bolts away in an Escalade, commanding the driver to GO GO GO, follow that specter of a car, that blurry amorphous blob This Bitch sometimes sees and thinks is motivation. Gosh, she’s so powerful, so resolute! She makes for great lasting TV, don’t you think?

Next week: Stephanie and That Guy I’m Trying So Hard Not To Like renew their vows so the ghosts in Stephanie’s brain will go away forever:

Surprise! Dee is on the side of a stranger versus LeeAnne:

… And so, needing an ally, LeeAnne turns to the only thing that’s left:

… and it’s finally the beginning of the cast trip:

… which, as all Housewife vacations do, start out fatally:

I can’t wait for it. Here we’ll have them, enclosed against their will in a weird, whimsical, Nordic wonderland. Trapped in a tiny wooden house impervious to the furious winds and fetid attention racing around it, huddled in and hugged by the snow. Blissfully ignorant inhabitants meandering inside. That house will expose their worst sins and their deepest shame, embargoing them from the relief of fresh air and open sky. I think, with five rancid beasts caged in a cozy cabin like this, we’ll finally get the Housewives horror story we never knew we were waiting for. We’ll watch that little chalet slowly close in on them through the blizzarding days, driving them more and more towards madness, towards evil. And the ghosts will tease out their inner demons, stripping these perfect, man-made beauties for the innate monsters that live inside.

Next week’s episode falls on Halloween, and I think this will be just the right sort of ghost story. As all Housewife episodes are: a tale of fearsome oddities, not quite dead but certainly not alive, wandering around a mansion, scales over their pretty eyes, skin flaking across the ornate carpet, voices warbling down empty chambers. They’re chasing something dead and gone; they’re whispering through their cobwebbed conscience. They’re hungry for a tether. So that night, I urge you: come out, come hither, come near. Come on’a my house, where I’ll give you tricks and treats and candy. Terrors beyond your wildest fastasies await your thirsty souls. I’ll see you then… if you dare.

Greetings from Jamaica, Mon, still.

Well they haven’t COMPLETELY destroyed the island yet.

Well, MisRed has some bad news… the party is over. MisRed went back to work this week. You know, it would be a lot easier (for me) if someone would just pay me to stay home. And frankly, I don’t think it’s a lot to ask.

Where were we?

STOP!
ShannonTime

Previously, Shannon pulled a Piggy and, at the end of the last episode was holed up in her penthouse sauna. Rumor has it, Luann sent some of her Native American people in the help Shannon sweat out her anxiety. Shannon stayed in the sweat lodge until she saw her vision- which was… a NACHO.

Seriously, Shannon is in seclusion and not taking calls or answering texts.

With the other ladies, Emily is trying to strong-arm The Turtle into having another baby. Gina and Emily are frustrated with Shannon’s icy demeanor. Tamra is frustrated with Shannon’s negativity and Vicki and Kelly think Shannon needs to be on medication for her fear, anxiety and stress over her divorce from David.David?David! and over the fact water isn’t free in California.

The show opens 15 hours after anyone has spoken to Shannon. The other women are having lunch together. Shannon is incommunicado. Almost like she’s on Manhunter or something. She’s just a dot on a map. Someone should have micro-chipped Shannon before she escaped the Lab.

Kelly and Tamra say they are afraid to talk to Shannon. As if she’s been possessed by some demon, which, I guess, she has. His name is David.David?David! But Vicki isn’t afriad. Yes, Vicki, you are the strongest one.

I’ve seen myself without make-up, I can handle anything.

You’ve been through 7,500 plastic surgeries turning you from the Elephant Man into a Circus Attraction and are slowly being turned BACK into the Elephant Man. Vicki thinks Shannon needs them and is unwell. Shannon does need something. Not sure if it’s a 75-year-old, rubber-faced narcissist, who participated in a cancer scam and will attempt to change her entire personality to suit a man, but what does MisRed know?

And Tamra and Kelly, just go to the door with a tray of nachos and you will be fine. Vicki knows if Shannon attacks her she will just flash her. The sight of Vicki’s tits is enough to turn anyone to stone.

Tamra says she wants to help Shannon but being a friend to Shannon is difficult. What she really is saying is, it’s taking longer for her to gaslight Shannon than she originally anticipated. The ladies decide to move on and stop talking about Shannon. Gina says she couldn’t be happier, but secretly Gina LOVES to talk about Shannon.

Guaranteed, Bravo will need to send these people an Edible Arrangement.

The ladies go to Dunn’s River Falls. Kelly informs us she has “researched the sh*t” out of these falls and its one of the things you MUST do when you come to Jamaica.

Oh, also, these falls won the Olympics.

The girls are nervous about walking on the wet rocks. Kelly is nervous because these women are about as coordinated as Violet Beauregarde on her way to the juicing room.

Nimble AF

We get a few flashbacks of the women being klutzy over this season.

Tamra says she can’t walk on slippery or uneven surfaces due to her recent broken foot. Tamra is basically a shape-shifter, I’m surprised she can’t just turn herself into a vulture and fly up to the top. Tamra says she was pushing it doing the rope swing and her doctor would kill her for walking up these falls. The guide tells her she can walk up the path alongside the falls.

How can I rig my top to fall off on dry land?

Oh well, guess we will have to wait and find out how she manages to do it.

The girls get in the water and start to climb the falls. Vicki needs to be hauled up by mule train. Vicki interviews that “climbing up these falls is against everything I believe.”

Faking cancer is ok, but waterfalls is where Vicki draws the line.

Vicki gets her foot caught. Great. We knew there had to be a trip to the hospital for Vicki and you KNOW she’s been trying to find a way to break her foot, so the Tres Amigas could ride off to Andale’s on their scooters.

Can you believe it? I’m getting paid for this!!

While climbing the falls, Kelly’s giant buoys come out of her bathing suit. I mean, she was pushing her luck just getting off the bus with those things, consider her bathing suit. I’ve seen tissue paper with more support. The editors must have cut out the scene of Tamra passing the tit-exposing baton to Kelly.

These floatation devices are DD.

Well girls, fear not, if you think you are drowning, just grab onto Kelly, her juggs will keep you afloat.

Gina just put your foot on Vicki’s head and press.

The women are falling all over the place. It’s a clusterf*ck.

Now picture this PLUS Shannon.

The guide has to remind them that they will not die. Come on, can someone just hold Vicki’s head under the water? Please… for me?

Crap. They made it.

On the way back to the hotel, the girls, who suddenly all have Red Stripe Trucker hats, talk about the beach dinner they have planned for that evening.

Still no one has heard from Shannon, and it’s been 17 hours. LOL as if Shannon is trapped in a mine or something. Or floating through Space like George Clooney in Gravity.

David. David! David?

Houston to Shannon, come in Shannon…

Maybe they should call the hotel and have them do a “wellness check.” Or ask room service to put some Nachos Grande outside Shannon’s hotel room and check back in 10 minutes?

If the nachos are gone, we can assume Shannon is alive and as well as can be expected.

They return to the villas and Alfredo has arranged lovely Charcuterie board for their snacking needs.

Still no word from Shannon.

Tamra suggests Vicki call Shannon. Vicki calls the hotel and is connected to Shannon’s room. The phone rings, however, Shannon does not answer. Vicki is worried and Kelly thinks it’s completely rude for Shannon to ignore all communication.

What does MisRed think? Thank you for asking. Shannon, I think, is just playing the “Feel Sorry for Shannon” game. She wants people to chase her and tell her how much they love her and check on her, while she will completely ignore they efforts. Once she feels she has PUNISHED them enough by depriving them of her company, she will resume communication.

Vicki is worried that something has happened to Shannon- like she’s having a mental breakdown.

Over at Villa #2, Emily and Gina are getting ready for dinner together. Gina doesn’t understand what’s wrong with Shannon? Uh, we only have 43 minutes here. Gina, just call MisRed and we can do a deep dive.

Gina thinks this entire kerfuffle with Shannon and her flipping out stems from her wanting to get to know Shannon.

Well, Miss 30-year-old, I have news for you, Shannon doesn’t give a dog’s rip about you. Tamra is the one who really upset the apple cart. Or the nacho cart as the case may be.

Sometime later, Vicki calls Shannon again, and Shannon answers. Oh good, Shannon feels she has sufficiently punished the women, depriving them of her company, and is ready to have them fawn all over her.

Vicki is like- I’ve been calling and texting you all day. Oh? Shannon thought they were playing Hide and Seek.

Shannon replies “This overwhelming concern for my mental well-being is kind of a joke. Because I think I’ve been nothing but fun on this trip!”

WooHoo

Oh! Now we know what Shannon has been doing all day. Working on her stand-up comedy routine. Seriously, Shannon, you’ve been NOTHING BUT FUN?!!?!?!? I swear to Satan, these shows need to team up with the NFL for instant-replay.

Vicki is like “Okay, of course you are…” Somehow, even being dumb as a bag of hair, Vicki seems to know how to handle Shannon. Vicki expresses that when someone doesn’t answer the phone for 24 hours, people start to get worried. Shannon proceeds with her victim impact statement, saying she was blindsided, and she had INTENDED to have fun the previous evening and it ended in a mess. Yes, and Shannon has no clue how THAT happened.

Tommy Lee trashed Shannon’s evening

Shannon IS planning to join the ladies for dinner.

Oh good, send in the clowns.

Shannon has also moved rooms, she is in Villa 7 – by herself- and she requests Vicki to come pick her up.

Shannon interviews she has been working on being less reactive.

Shanobyl

Um… we’ve seen nuclear reactors LESS reactive than Shannon.

Shannon claims she is acting the same way many women do when they are going through a really, really, really (that’s 3 reallys for those playing at home) nasty divorce.

Okay Shannon, Okay. Yes, your divorce is nasty. Yes. But you could have things MUCH, MUCH worse. The ONLY thing Shannon truly needs to focus on is healing and taking care of her kids. She isn’t worried about putting food on the table or making ends meet. I know finances are a small part of life, but that can be hugely stressful for a woman who was previously a stay-at-home-mom and then finds herself divorced and having to financially support her kids. Shannon needs to get on an anti-depressant because this behavior is not helping ANYONE.

Speaking of kids… MisRed has ZERO support staff in attendance today. WTF. They are all pissed she went back to work.

The ladies arrive to their beach dinner. Of course, Emily and Gina arrive first. Gina says she feels like they are on a date, but let’s Emily know that she doesn’t put out on the first date. Emily is like… that’s not what I heard.

Vicki, in another outfit she has no business wearing, plods up to Shannon’s villa. Vicki thinks Shannon is just having a pity party for herself. She is. Shannon answers the door and lets Vicki in- Vicki asks if she wants to have a drink- you know since Shannon is such an alcoholic that she’s drinking vodka alone, or head straight to dinner?

Shannon tells Vicki that she is the type of person who, when she gets upset, she needs to “process” things. She was completely HURT and she felt every single one of the women was criticizing her and judging her for being emotional when Shannon is just going her best to keep things together.

I think Shannon needs stronger glue. Cuz Shannon’s sh*t is anything BUT together.

Shannon is right, in a very small way. The women were ganging-up on her SLIGHTLY. VERY SLIGHTLY. But it was really Tamra who put this all into motion getting Gina to say that Shannon was unkind, etc. But it was, like, a kitten gang-up.

Vicki brings up the fact that when she helped Brooks fake cancer and falsify medical documents, NOBODY in the cast was speaking to her. She was completely abandoned.

This is about me, Vicki, remember?

Uh, yeah. Can you blame them? Now pile on top of it that Vicki never, actually, apologized for any of it… AND… demanded a casserole on top of it!!!

Even so, Vicki didn’t completely lose her sh*t at every moment like Shannon has been doing. Although… Vicki did compare herself to Christ on the Cross… so it could be a toss-up.

Back to Shannon explaining her position, she says that even Vicki turned on her. Uh, how? By telling her she needed to calm the f*ck down and get on some medication and 9 lemons in a bowl isn’t a strong enough antidote to pure unadulterated insanity? We flashback to Shannon saying she defended Vicki “to the end,” which isn’t true, btw.

Vicki says that she just wants Shannon to be friends with everyone. So, you know, Vicki has been telling them all she’s a complete LUSH to build sympathy for Shannon. Shannon says she thinks she’s doing pretty well with what’s on her plate.

Oh Shannon. You really need to go to a Divorce Support Group, so you can see what some women and men go through in divorce. I’m not saying Shannon has it easy, as David is the Grey Haired Hitler, but Shannon doesn’t make things any easier with her craziness. Shannon could have REAL problems. For example, David could use Shannon’s history of histrionics to say she is an unfit mother… and/or an alcoholic. To my knowledge, he hasn’t done that. I’m sure he’s done plenty, but he could be trying to destroy her like Bethenny’s husband- not that Bethenny isn’t a velociraptor.

Let’s set the crazy dials back to neutral.

Shannon goes on to say that the women got her fired up by saying she isn’t a good friend and by saying she cries every night. Her hot button issue is when people say she has said or does something she doesn’t do. Shannon claims to be excited about her life. Yeah, we can totally tell. Shannon starts to get a little fired up again, but Vicki is like “Let’s dial it down… woohoo.”

Vicki is trying to distract her and be like- okay we need to go, do you have your phone? Do you have your cream cheese? Do you have your lipstick? Do you have a piece of enema shoved up your keister? She interviews that she just wants Shannon to relax and come to dinner and have some cocktails and have a good time. Yes, adding alcohol is always a good idea in times of mental breakdown.

Tamra and Kelly arrive at dinner and announce Shannon will be joining them.

The women discuss the Shannon Show. Kelly says it’s kind of like when you can’t find your kid. You text them, they don’t respond and you start to panic and then you get PISSED. Kelly is currently in the PISSED stage with Shannon.

Shannon and Vicki arrive and you could cut the tension with a knife. Luckily, Alfredo has cocktails at the ready.

Shannon sits next to Kelly and Kelly is like- I’VE BEEN CALLING YOU!!! Kelly says she has been worried. Shannon offers her a, very quiet, “Sorry.” Kelly doesn’t let it go, she says that all Shannon needed to do-“to have manners” (Thank you, Kelly.) was to text back and say “I’m here.”

In her talking head, Kelly says she thinks it’s ironic that Shannon, of everybody, has the LEAST manners. She went through cotillion classes, etc. and she’s completely rude. Hmm, I must have missed the episode when Shannon called someone a c*nt at lunch… and said she understood why a woman’s husband was cheating on her… or tell a woman struggling with her weight to KEEP EATING… or called s friend’s husband a loser, a dork and a pussy.

Kelly continues to tell Shannon how worried she was. Vicki defuses the situation because she can see the crazy coming back. Kelly thinks Shannon has NO IDEA the amount of stress Shannon put on everyone that day and she offers up a completely LAME apology.

Yes, she does. Shannon knows EXACTLY what she’s doing. And seriously, when have we ever heard anyone sincerely apologize on one of these shows?

Thank god for Alfredo, he comes and takes their dinner order. Everyone sits in silence.

Shannon pipes up saying “I just want to address the elephant in the room…” Listen, I don’t like Vicki either, but there is no need to insult all pachyderms. Shannon says she appreciates everyone’s concern, she was hurt, and she knows there needs to be some discussions at some point, but she needed some time to process the groups transgressions against her.

Gina says she didn’t realize everything that was going on with Shannon and she “was just trying to break-through, I was trying to be your friend.” Shannon interrupts saying she apologizes, but that she has more on her plate than she ever has before and she’s just trying to handle it.

It never gets old.

Emily jumps in saying they recognize Shannon is going through a lot, and they have all been very supportive, but they do not feel Shannon reciprocates. Emily says she really wants to be friends with Shannon.

Shannon tells Gina she has a difficult time hearing that Gina is getting divorced, yet she is still attracted to her husband and he is still her best friend and he’s still slipping her the HBI, because this is what Shannon wanted in HER life.

The last thing David slipped me was some hemlock in my vodka tonic!

Gina, getting emotional, says she appreciates that but Gina is on her own “journey and she wants to be respected for this journey.”

Journey. F*cking Journey. I can’t with these people.

Gina says she just wants to be Shannon’s friend. She just wants Shannon to let her in. Shannon says she doesn’t let people in and then is like “I’m sorry.”

Hahahaah Oh Shannon.

Tamra interviews she is happy Shannon apologized to Gina and Emily- she owed them that, but of course, Tammy Sue wants to know where HER apology is?

The next day… the girls plan to head to the beach. Shannon reaches out to Tamra because “I’m a communicator.” Yes, as is evidence by the fact that you didn’t respond to calls, voicemails or texts for 20 hours the previous day.

Always time for a passive aggressive text…

Shannon asks Tamra to come to her Villa, so they can talk. Tamra is like – Not sure I’m going to have time, I have to get ready, but you can come by here if you are ready. Yes Shannon, never doubt Tamra will make you work for it so she can continue to talk sh*t about you behind your back.

Shannon proceeds to Tamra’s villa. Tamra plans to be 100% honest with Shannon and if Shannon doesn’t like what she hears, Tamra will know she’s done everything she could do. Yes, yes, you’ve done everything you could do to throw Shannon into a tizzy. Congratulations. I mean, not that it’s a very far throw.

Kelly interviews that she thinks Tamra and Shannon should have open communication, but Shannon needs to realize that she has a pretty good life and she needs to get over herself. Well yeah, I’m all for appreciating what you have.

Shannon says she is still reeling from the dinner and clearly, she and Tamra have some underlying issues. Tamra says they don’t have underlying issues, it was Shannon’s reaction at dinner that blew up the situation. Tamra says Shannon is always negative and she needs to live in the moment. Tamra wants Shannon to learn from what Tamra has been through.

Yes, Shannon, learn from Tamra. Maybe you can have one of your kids stop speaking to you by the holidays.

AND Tamra sent Gina in to light the fuse.

Tamra says that Shannon just complains all the time and it’s getting to the point that nobody wants to hear it anymore.

In the other Villa, Emily says all they have done on this trip is wait for Shannon, and she has never met anyone MORE entitled than Shannon. Emily says she isn’t a Doctor- No, we know you are a lawyer, you tell us every episode- but a lot of Shannon’s behaviors remind Emily of her mom. She starts to get upset and emotional.

And slow clap for Emily for attempting to give herself a storyline anybody cares about.

Emily thinks there are issues Shannon simply isn’t recognizing. She’s probably right, frankly. Emily doesn’t want Shannon to go through a life time of depression or mental illness like her mother did. Cue the rumor: Shannon is bi-polar.

Back at the Betch Summit, Tamra tells Shannon she doesn’t like being screamed and yelled at and she does not like the way Shannon talked to her at dinner and doesn’t like the things Shannon accused her of doing and Tamra will not let Shannon talk to her that way.

Don’t be a betch, betch.

Shannon asks what she accused Tamra of doing? Tamra said Shannon called her a “sh*t stirrer.” Well, I mean, if the paddle fits…. Tamra goes on to say that Eddie had an unplanned heart procedure and Tamra still got on a plane the next day to go to Philadelpha with Shannon and this is how Shannon repays her? By calling her a “sh*t stirrer?” Tamra says she doesn’t deserve it.

Well…we could debate that for the rest of the year. And probably well into 2019.

Then Shannon says, “I’m sorry that you feel that way.”

Yes, yes, classic non-apology. Tee hee.

Tamra calls Shannon out on her Non-Apology and Shannon goes back to her script “It was never been my intention to hurt your feelings.”

Ok, noted. HOWEVER, you did hurt Tamra’s feelings. I mean, I’m not even sure if Tamra has feelings, but we can go with it in this scenario.

Tamra is like- I know you didn’t INTEND to hurt my feelings, but you did. Shannon says it’s all semantics. Which it isn’t. And Tamra says it isn’t.

Nobody even mentioned Semen, Betch!?!?

Tamra is right. Shannon, honestly, feels just because she didn’t INTEND to do something that should be enough.

Well you know, I didn’t intend to run over your dog, but he is still dead in the street. But you shouldn’t be UPSET because I didn’t INTEND to do it. Great thanks, that will really make my kids feel better about their dead dog who is currently ROAD PIZZA.

Tamra says Shannon accused Tamra of saying she needed to be on medication. But it was Kelly that said that. Tamra says Shannon could have said “Medication really isn’t for me” but instead she had to SCREAM at them.

Shannon goes in for the deflection- that GINA said Shannon wasn’t a good friend to Tamra. Shannon is mad Tamra didn’t defend Shannon and their amazingly reciprocal friendship. Tamra explains this was Gina’s observation. Yeah, well, Gina observed it after Tamra told her Shannon was a bad friend.

They go back and forth a little and Tamra admits, since she and Shannon met up at the nursery, Shannon HAS been there for Tamra. Then Shannon apologizes.

Shannon interviews that there are hurt feelings on both sides, but she wants to work through it. Does that fit on your plate?

ONE MORE TIME!!!

Tamra wants Shannon to turn the corner and try to be more positive about things, Tamra just wants Shannon to be happy. Tamra is fine to give Shannon tough love. Yes, don’t worry, Tamra will always find a way to be a back-stabbing betch but label it as “tough love.”

They hug it out. Yeah, I’m sure this is TOTALLY over. LOL.

The ladies board the bus and head to the beach. Supposedly this beach has healing water. They need to immerse Shannon in it. They order cocktails.

Vicki, Shannon, Tamra and Kelly pee in the water. Great.

Someone add “Sterilize the Caribbean Sea” to the list of reparations to Jamaica.

Gina and Emily go to eat and Gina’s mom calls. Apparently, this triggers Emily to have a meltdown over the fact that she and her mother don’t have a great relationship.

Y A W N

This is lame. Gina says Emily is a great Mom and all the things she is missing in her relationship with her Mother, Emily is giving to her daughter. She wants to break the pattern.

Emily says she wants her kids to have a safe environment.

If you are looking for safety, I would reconsider living with a giant Snapping Turtle.

Emily says she makes dinner for her kids every night and breakfast every morning. The Turtle even brushes her daughter’s hair and she never had that. A hair brushing Turtle IS something you don’t see every day but the rest of it is called “being a parent.” I hate when people want awards for the stuff they are, you know, supposed to be doing.

Back with the other group, the women are drinking rum coconuts in the ocean.

Beware of coconuts, Girls, they will give you the trots.

Where is a frenzy of sharks when you need it?

Later, Gina, Emily and Tamra talk about Tamra’s conversation with Shannon. Emily interviews that she doesn’t think Shannon is aware of all of the things Tamra has said about her. And yes, they may have resolved the current situation but it’s just a band aid, and these things will continue to bubble up.

Oh, maybe Tamra’s top can come off now.

Kelly joins them in the water and Gina, Emily and Kelly swim out to a water trampoline.

Kelly does a pretty impressive back handspring on the trampoline.

She was in a bikini too. Lots could have gone wrong there.

Ya Mon, I come here to rub your hooves.

Back on the beach, the ladies get foot massages. Tamra compliments the masseur on his nice teeth and says Vicki LOVES nice teeth, but if he didn’t have nice teeth, Vicki would buy him nice teeth. Then Tamra tells the guy that Vicki twerks. He asks Vicki to twerk and then offers to pay her to twerk.

Yeah, I’m sure he wanted to see THIS twerk.

Vicki ends up paying the guy to not twerk which is what he and all of us wanted all along.

Then Emily falls off the trampoline head first.

Classic

The girls go shopping for souvenirs. Kelly buys a penis lighter for Vicki and then tries to shove it up Shannon’s butt.

For when Steve the CCFL just can’t take another one for the team…

They then meet for dinner.

Can someone start a Go Fund Me to buy Vicki a mirror?

Vicki asks Gina what she enjoyed about the trip- Gina says the raft because she faced her fear of water. Kelly loved going to the beach.

I really loved not sharing a Villa with Shannon.

Emily loved the rope swing into the river.

My least favorite part was failing to get Shannon hauled off in a straight jacket.

Tamra says her fight with Shannon was the best thing that happened because now the can grow. Hahahahaha. Shut up, Tamra.

Tamra apologizes for saying “f*ck you” to Shannon. Tamra also wants Vicki to twerk and for Shannon and Gina to kiss.

Gina. Gina! Gina?

Vicki twerks and everyone in Jamaica collectively commits suicide.

Jamaican Jonestown in 3…2…1…

Then she makes everyone else twerk and Shannon just looks like she’s humping the railing of the deck. Good times.

Twerking of vomiting, not sure which.

Next week, Vicki has more plastic surgery.

Nurse, please apply pillow to face.

Emily and Turtle go to therapy- and Turtle looks REALLY happy to be there.

Such a supportive Turtle.

Gina tells Shannon all of the stuff Tamra has been saying about her and it gets back to Tamra

Will Tamra get a little of what’s coming to her?

and Tammy Sue ain’t happy.

Kelly auditions for Lil Abner.

Uh… what just happened? What do you think of Shannon’s trip to the isolation chamber? Do you think Tamra is pissed that Shannon is back in with the group? Do you think Tamra has knocker envy? Will Vicki ever buy an oufit that looks good on her? Will we ever give a crap about Emily? As always I need to know your thoughts!!! Thanks for hanging in this season- this show is circling the drain. xoxoxxoxo

Hey guys! Quick check-in tonight: I just got out of an all-day off-site meeting that is going to continue bright and early tomorrow as an all-day off-site volunteer event, which is hella lame for a number of reasons: a) ew, talking about feelings with your coworkers, b) manual labor/ charity, and c) not enough time to either begin or complete a drunken (the only way it should be done) RHOD recap. But I didn’t want to leave you babies hanging, so I’m creating a space for you all to talk about it until Saturday when I post the full recap. Here’s what happened on Real Housewives of Phallus this week:

Cary sent rotting unrefridgerated fish to her friends and said, here’s some rancid death tissue for your culinary stores, please accompany me on a trip across the world to a strange land where people speak backwards and you all will be miserable. Thanks!
LeeAnne went wedding dress shopping with some nameless friend-ofs and Stephanie. D’Andra had other shit to do and This Bitch thinks that she’s “PSYCHO” for turning down the chance of a lifetime to see another woman try on dresses. LeeAnne landed on quite possibly the most vampy ass wedding dress in existence.
LeeAnne is still a good friend because she upheld a promise she made to D’Andra to let D’Andra host a product launch at a store that LeeAnne has like, nothing to do with. So good job, LeeAnne. How does it feel up there on the cross? Are your arms getting tired? Anyway, everyone wore sexxXxxy pajamas for some reason and Brandi gave the greatest “shocked” face I’ve ever seen since this meme:
LeeAnne learned that if you come at Mama Dee you best not miss.
Stephanie and Travis renewed their vows which means the crispy briar patch that was Stephanie’s womanhood suddenly bloomed into a lush and fragrant garden. All the sleeping soldiers from eons ago awoke from their slumber and cheered. The once-terrorized villagers emerged from their spell and rejoiced in the town square, for love is alive once more.
The girls left for Copenhagen and had a pissing match over first class. Basically, everyone who wanted to pretend they could upgrade to a first class seat did and we all marveled at their humble camaraderie.
LeeAnne and This Bitch cemented their Axis of Evil over what a terrible bitch D’Andra is and it basically played out like this. You can infer who’s the raven-haired evil lioness genius and who’s the shit-for-brains hyena:

For a detailed play-by-play, join me on Saturday, Trashies. Until then, sound off in the comments! xoxo

Hey guys! I am trying so hard to get into the mood for this episode, because trust me, it was a good one. But I’m my own worst enemy and made the fatal mistake of starting the last season of House of Cards at 7:30 this morning which meant… yeah… I binged it till the end. So my head is totally not in the Real Housewives space. Whoo. Let me try to get into this, like a lady boss. Channeling President Claire ~~Underwood~~ Hale.

(lady boner activated)

OK, let’s see if we can machinate some common threads between the two realms so I can learn how to diplomatically negotiate with these awful Dallas fishwives. Both Season 6 of House of Cards and Real Housewives feature:

A strong cast of powerful women who all hate each other
Confusing back channels and dangerous intrigue
Shitloads of lying
Death threats
Alcoholism (see: Doug Stamper, everyone on Real Housewives)

OK. Got it. Cue marching band drums, dangerous orchestra swell, time-lapse shots of the capital. Plinkity-plinkity-plinka-plink! Plinkity-plinkity-plinka-plink…

(petition to Bravo to use this as the new title card)

So to open this episode, the Honorable Cary Deuber, Secretary to the Make-Believe Land of Denmark, is putting together “invite baskets” to persuade the whole cast into accompanying her to Copenhagen ~~WHERE SHE WILL ASSASSINATE THEM BECAUSE THIS IS HOUSE OF CARDS~~ where they’ll endure just a regular Housewives character assassination:

I don’t know if you know this, but in 2013 Congress legally mandated that all adult women in America put together lavish gift baskets to make any social gesture to another adult woman. That’s why when you’re asked to be a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding you can only officially consent upon the receipt of a gift basket with pink confetti paper, a mini bottle of champagne, and a personalized coin purse with your monogram on it.

Cary’s gift basket includes Danish beer, a danish (as in the pastry, get it) (sob), and pickled herring, because preserved fish really holds up well in the post.

She’s also playing Rosetta Stone on her phone to learn completely useless phrases like “froogh mehmah” (join me!) and “shpoople vee tzurgen” (I only understand a little!) as Mark pretends some more to be sad that he’s not going.

By the way, isn’t it kind of dumb for Cary to learn something like “I only understand a little” when she literally knows NO Danish at all? I wouldn’t travel to China armed with only the phrase “hey! I only speak some of your language” just because I know the words for “hello” and “goodbye” and “America.” Then all the locals would just scream more basic words of Chinese that I still don’t know while gesticulating wildly to the ground. And then I’d cry and say “Mulan?” over and over. See also.

We learn that Stephanie is super jazzed because this is the episode where she gets to do Wedding Part II: The Reckoning. And as a bonus, Travis is planning everything himself as a “surprise” for Steph. And by “surprise,” I mean “gift,” since Stephanie has crippling anxiety and can’t make decisions on her lonesome. And by “himself,” I mean, “with the help of Brandi and a ton of assistants.”

As we’ve all said in the comments, Stephanie is really showing herself to be a mentally ill individual (which she recognizes, so I’m not ridiculing it at all), and Travis is really showing himself to be aware of that fact and picking up where he can. So much as I will mock this vow renewal – what is usually a marital death knell on the Housewives – let me just say right now: it’s shaping up to be genuinely heartfelt and sweet.

Anyway, it’s at that point that all the girls get their invite baskets and recoil at the pickled herring:

This Bitch calls her cat over to come eat it and I gag. I make it a personal rule to never give my cat fish because she’s smelly enough as is. Also, her favorite thing to do is to breath deep into my nose and drool all over my face at 4:30 in the morning, and the last thing I need is the smell of digesting tuna (or otherwise maritime pickled flesh) breezing out of her tiny sharp little dry tongue mouth.

This is what you see 15 minutes before your alarm goes off or right before you die, which is kind of the same thing in my world

Brandi is disgusting and says the herring smells like “dirty twat,” which she can recognize after years of “standing in a kick line.”

An appeal to women everywhere: jokes about smelly pussies are only funny when you’re referring to literally your cat. Ex: page up. Our privates are beautiful and wonderful and self-cleaning and when you make fun of them you’re bringing us all down. You’re also being horrendously reductive.

Anyway, everyone gives Cary a call to say that by Article 6, Section 2 of their contracts, they are legally mandated to accompany Cary on this cast trip to Copenhagen. Oops, I mean, they very enthusiastically gush that they’re so excited to go!!! Also, “where’s Copenhagen?” – Stephanie

It’s time for LeeAnne to go [monster voice]FUCKING WEDDING DRESS SHOPPANNNNGGGG!!!

ERMERFRICKINGERD YERGUYS she shows up with two nameless blonde hangers-on to a store that doesn’t seems to sell wedding dresses, but rather 49 tons of beads and crystals strategically glued onto beige A-line mannequins. Also, hey! Stephanie is here:

… proving to Brandi, but mostly herself, that LeeAnne is actually trying to be friends out of the goodness of her heart and not, say, as a strategic tactic on a show that could basically be renamed War Games: The Girl Version.

LeeAnne says that she wants to find a dress that is “clean and basic and boring,” which of course means she’s drawn instantly to something with a god damn CAPE:

… and ultimately, to the most vampy, Halloween-costumey version of Morticia Addams Getting Married dress the store sells:

God, what the fuck is that shit? It looks like she parked that dress under a nest of birds that poop glitter. Oh! And for those of you casually wondering if LeeAnne’s gotten married, since we’re already past the date on her supposed Knot website, the answer is no. But she did manage to troll us all on the weekend it was supposed to happen and announced that the wedding’s been pushed to April 2019. Or Neverbuary 32nd, Two Thousand Undecided.

LeeAnne tells the group that she had invited D’Andra to come shopping with them but D’Andra declined. A helpful ad bumper for the new unnecessary Grinch movie pops up to reenact D’Andra’s response, for the hearing impaired:

Stephanie gives the requisite third party Housewives speech warning LeeAnne to patch things up with D’Andra, specifically because LeeAnne wouldn’t want to get married without D’Andra present, then make up with her, and regret the fact that D’Andra wasn’t at the wedding. Well, the good news is that based on the Rich & LeeAnne wedding timeline, LeeAnne and D’Andra have about INFINITY WEEKS to patch things up, so take your time, LeeLee.

Stephanie then goes a step further to suck up to LeeAnne, telling LeeAnne with praise that she really believes LeeAnne’s changed. LeeAnne credits it all to meditation and shits all over D’Andra, who she thinks believes that meditation “is fake.” Which, in the case of LeeAnne…

Commercial Break: and a Letter of Appeal to Bravo: Please stop doing this.

Inserting Housewives into movie trailers is the worst kind of native content marketing I’ve ever endured. Like, you know most of the current Housewives were aspiring actresses to begin with, right? That’s why they’re so good at pretending to be naturally horrific and freely willing to butcher their bodies for the sake of beauty. But this bullshit shilling for Mother’s Day or Disney’s The Nutcracker or Cars 9: Tokyo Drift or whatever makes me want to die. You’re encouraging them, Bravo.

Anyway, D’Andra heads over to the office to ask about the status of the company-handing-over contract that Mama Dee was supposed to sign. Dee rubs her hands excitedly that it’s readyyyyyy!

… but of course, that doesn’t mean she’s signed it yet. D’Andra giggles nervously that it’s only been 14 years to get to this point sewwwwwwwwww…

Can I get you a pen? And ram it in your jugular? And we can just sign with the blood spatter?

Talk turns to the “cooking lesson,” which D’Andra calls “a big mess.” Dee relays LeeAnne telling her that D’Andra is now an “ack-aholic,” which Dee found offensive and troubling since D’Andra’s father was also an “ack-aholic.” D’Andra correctly asserts that LeeAnne doesn’t really believe anything she’s saying and is just trying to spin drama out of nothing. She also correctly asserts that this was an especially cruel (and personal) move on LeeAnne’s part. D’Andra concludes that This Bitch is LeeAnne’s new best friend and Dee is like, OK, well then lettum go scratch, who cares? And in her interviews, Dee promises to “defend her daughter”:

D’Andra also whines about the ambush she got in the face of This Bitch and Jimmy Westcott. Instead of defending fellow Rich Old Lady Jimmy, like you’d expect, Dee tells her D’Andra that she should have told the Westcotts, in Aristocratese, to shut the fuck up (aka, “this is not the time or place; how about next week over lunch at an inappropriately expensive country club?”). D’Andra then relates how This Bitch vociferously defended the whole ambush at Jeremy’s mural painting; how This Bitch called Jimmy “the Grande Dame of Dallas,” to which Dee (the Grande Dame of Dallas) reacts:

“She is?”
“Hmm.”

Ha! Guys, I know I give Dee a lot of flak, but seriously, she was awesome here. She starts spitting and screaming for D’Andra to get mean. “Tell’em how the cow ate the cabbage!” she hollers. I have no idea what Dee means, but I totally GET her.

Kind of.

Which brings us to the obvious lesson: if you come at the queen (Mama Dee), you best not miss. LeeAnne took a huge – and not very well calculated – risk in “outing” D’Andra to her mother, and it has tremendously backfired. The ominous, insidious music in Bravo’s transition shots affirm as much.

And I love how that music leads right in to This Bitch trying to be all domestic and paysanne:

… cutting apples in an apron, thinking of Marie Antoinette in her Petit Trianon. How quaint! LeeAnne compliments This Bitch on her effortless simplicity:

… to which This Bitch humble-brags that she’s looked like this since 6 am. Because that’s how NATURAL and UNFUSSED she is. LeeAnne notices the sign by This Bitch’s door and asks if she needs to take her shoes off:

To which This Bitch laughs, dollar bills falling out of her hair: no, silly! That sign is just for the *real* peasants. I don’t want them dragging their dirt and disease and poorness through the house! You’re white and rich and pretty; you’re fine. But just to cleanse you of all that globalism that’s out there, please, drink this pink elixir of relentless gentrification:

This Bitch and LeeAnne toast to their detached sense of reality and rose water in this sheltered cottage on Nonsense Hill and sit down to chat.

LeeAnne tells This Bitch about wedding dress shopping, specifically about how D’Andra didn’t come, sharing D’Andra’s text as if it was a bloody dog carcass draped over the front seat of her car:

this face, jesus

This Bitch responds in kind, asserting that D’Andra not attending her “best friend’s” wedding dress shopping trip is “SYE-KOH”:

Guys, I don’t know where all this animosity and blood-thirsty vitriol for D’Andra sprang from, but Jesus H. Christ Riding A Dinosaur, it’s here. This Bitch and LeeAnne are not taking this lying down. “This” being D’Andra having a few meetings she couldn’t reschedule because god forbid she look at a few ugly prom dresses instead of trying to save her company. LeeAnne and This Bitch turn into a positive feedback loop of over-enunciated phrases like “psycho” and “who is this person?!” and “puh-lease!“, talking over each other and practically mutually masturbating over this manufactured hatred that they both suddenly, religiously believe in. This. This is where the turn happens. This, ladies and gay gentleman, is the moment that decides where these women will sit at the Reunion. This is what forecasts an arrangement with D’Andra and LeeAnne on either immediate side of Andy, with This Bitch sitting on the same couch as LeeAnne.

(Not that anyone cares, but here’s my seating arrangement prediction. See you in a few weeks to figure how much money I won.)

Cary – Brandi – D’Andra — ANDY — LeeAnne – Stephanie – This Bitch

Anyway, of course This Bitch also turns this conversation into a nobility thing, as she is wont, as is preposterous, since somehow somewhere D’Andra not watching LeeAnne try on wedding dresses is “embarrassing the Simmons family name.” God, my family must be humiliated considering how many social gatherings I’ve bailed on. But LeeAnne slurps all of this up, because “this is exactly what she’s talking about!” I’m allowed to hate D’Andra if I masquerade it under the guise of caring about her reputation!

… which is why This Bitch starts nnnnngyeah‘ing and tells LeeAnne about how D’Andra totally disrespected Jimmy or whatever, at an event where This Bitch came to support D’Andra (Jeremy’s mural unveiling). LeeAnne gets fully keyed up, snarling about how she doesn’t want to go to Copenhagen now or attend the next scene’s party (a pop-up shop for D’Andra’s makeup line that LeeAnne set up at a boutique). LeeAnne says that the next time D’Andra or anyone on the cast does something as equally egregious as what they’ve just been talking about (not looking at wedding dresses, to be clear), she’s going to “karate chop a bitch’s throat!” And this is how This Bitch reacts, since she’s so concerned about hanging around upstanding people who say nice things and behave properly on camera:

Totally. Send this tape to my mother-in-law to show her what great company I’m keeping.

We find out the pop-up Hard Night Good Morning Party (god these Dallas bitches love their pop-up parties) is a pajama party. LeeAnne shows up and changes into a glamorous nightgown, away from any “skinny naked models.”

LOL. Guys, LeeAnne is a monster, but a relatable one. LeeAnne is All Of Us.

I said in the rodeo recap that D’Andra only very rarely dresses/makes herself up well. I guess it’s whenever there’s a costume theme, because consider this one of those moments:

She says she’s channeling Joan Collins/Alexis Carrington from Dynasty, and considering that’s the idea that Real Housewives of Dallas was probably sold on, it works really fuckin good. I love everything about this: the chiffon robe weighted by ostrich feathers, the blue bandanna tying D’Andra’s usually too-long hair into a chic but messy updo, the BANGS!, it’s all working for you, sister.

Unfortunately Dee is not a fan like I am:

Brandi and Cary’s pajama looks are also very character-appropriate:

Right after they walk in, Dee warns Cary to watch out for D’Andra in Copenhagen, because if D’Andra comes back hurt, “everyone’s gunna wish they were dead.”

OK! Can we get out of the doorway now

Dee also lays the Team D’Andra (and Brandi)(and Not LeeAnne) stuff on thick and early, telling Brandi:

Wow way to put the responsibility of one woman’s psychosis on me but thanks I’m flattered?

One of the reasons D’Andra’s shilling her schlock at this pop-up thing is because she’s both come out with a new night serum (or something, who cares) for Hard Night Good Morning and re-formulated her mother’s Green Miracle sludge to not taste like Shrek’s body fluids, which is why she’s forcing it down everyone’s gullets:

LeeAnne declines, since she’s “allergic to grass,” as well as “cats, trees, dogs, chocolate, and milk.” You guys, I have a pit bull who’s allergic to grass (trust me, it’s a real thing) (coconut oil, if you’re wondering what the cure is), which might be the same thing as LeeAnne, but seriously, HOW IS LEEANNE ALIVE. SHE HAS DOGS.

REMEMBER?

D’Andra and Cary have a chat outside where D’Andra whines about This Bitch: how This Bitch completely misinterpreted her at the mural unveiling, when D’Andra told her that This Bitch (not This Bitch and Jimmy) completely hurt D’Andra’s feelings by attacking her at the cooking lesson.

Cary does that supremely obnoxious thing that she’s accustomed to doing which is remain infuriatingly neutral while listening for information she can harvest to swirl into shit stew that she’ll bring to the rest of the cast at an opportune time, not empathizing with D’Andra whatsoever. The only thing Cary walks away with is insult that D’Andra doesn’t want to go on next week’s international romp with This Bitch and LeeAnne. “It’s not all about you!” Cary pouts in her interview, swelling with pride that the only purpose she has this season is to organize the cast trip. She lights up finally when D’Andra shouts that they’re going on the trip to “celebrate Cary’s heritage.” “THANK YOU!,” Cary ejaculates at the long-lasted utterance of her name.

Hey! Remember Steve Kimball?

He’s back, baby!

LeeAnne and Dee start to get in a fight in front of him, with both of them telling one another that LeeAnne and D’Andra have both hurt each other. Dee starts on a monologue about being 77 years old and thus knowing everything there is to know about anything in life ever, because it’s age and experience (not character at all) that give a person wisdom. Which I believe because Donald Trump, our President, is 72, and if there’s anyone who’s winning the Human Olympics it’s that fetid hairy pumpkin sitting in a Big Boy Truck and telling people on their moms via Twitter.

None of this matters since Cary (who hasn’t learned anything about being on this show) walks right into the frame of an important scene being filmed, interrupting Dee’s important speech:

INTERCEPTED

So instead, Dee joins Brandi and her daughter out front to bitch about LeeAnne:

Dee is all about this fight, and normally I’d roast her for trying to be a cast member, but this time I think it’s genuine: someone told her that her daughter D’Andra has the same *disease* that drove her late husband (and daughter’s) father to a gruesome, tragic suicide. That’s like, bad you guys! And I can’t help but think that my mom would defend me in the same way: by grabbing a drink with me and my friends and bitching about it. Over drinks.

I kid, but not really. My mom and I love our booze, we love our butter, but most of all, we love each udder.

Dee informs Brandi that LeeAnne called her an ackaholic as well and Brandi reacts as that Star Trek “shocked” meme that I already put in the minicap but screw it, I’m doing it again because it’s so good:

Brandi brings up the very valid point in her interviews that a rumor about her being an alcoholic could ruin her chances of legally adopting Bruin. She says to Mama Dee that LeeAnne’s words are just “jealousy,” contending that she and D’Andra are just having fun with each other, especially in places like Beaver Creek where LeeAnne just drank water the whole time and scowled at everyone (and maybe got in a midnight fight with D’Andra over who was “Queen Bee”).

In a genuinely honest moment, Brandi says good bye to D’Andra for the night and compliments her on her new-found independence. D’Andra, candidly and exuberantly, tells Brandi that she’s inspired by her:

You guys, there’s no other way to say this: D’Andra and Brandi are the Good Guys this season. Their friendship is real and genuine and fun, formed on the premise of self-confidence and self-love, and even though they slip up and wear terrible clothes and are married to stupid dudes (they are Housewives, after all), theirs is the friendship that you assume extends beyond this silly show. They are the women you assume make a point to keep in touch. Their friendship is the rare honest one that was actually born of this stupid experiment, but carried through organically because of two women who see something authentic and human in one another.

Later, we open on Stephanie and the day of her vow renewal, having a mental crisis since she can’t decide if she wants to put on her “jewels” or dress first:

Enter Brandi, who shows up with a bottle of liquid courage for just such a dilemma.

Unfortunately, she can’t stay because she and Brian have a work obligation(?) that they can’t get out of and Travis planned this whole thing last minute (with Brandi?) anyway. Cari shows up very sick but promises Stephanie that she’ll “drink it off”…

… and besides, as she says, she’d “dig herself out of a grave to be here.” Way to make Bailing Brandi standing right here feel like shit!

OK well all of my husbands’ coworkers whose name I don’t know are waiting sooooooo
bye

Stephanie asks Brandi and Stephanie about D’Andra’s pop-up party (I literally feel like I’m recruiting for an MLM when I write these recaps now) and Brandi explains how Dee said LeeAnne called Brandi an alcoholic who enables D’Andra. Cary, who’s taking full advantage of Steph’s makeup artist…

… corroborates this point, explaining how LeeAnne told the same story at This Bitch’s pop-up party at another boutique last episode:

Brandi starts quietly gnashing her teeth about how nasty LeeAnne is as Stephanie bristles, feeling physically uncomfortable and caught in the middle, being LeeAnne’s new Flavor of the Week and all.

Eventually though, she braves up, and suggests that the group needs to confront LeeAnne about these rumors in Copenhagen. Cary gets all huffy because HER TRIP, but who cares, it’s Cary. And this is the natural way. Circle of Life. Zebra eats grass, lion eats zebra, Real Housewife eats everything. As an unassuming wildebeest bows to take a cool sip of water, a dusty crocodile snatches him into its jowls, cracking his neck and cutting the wildebeest’s short, stupid, happy life on the Serengeti out of existence. It’s time for another disastrous cast trip. And that is what moves us all, from episode to episode.

I will give Cary credit for the analogy that the trip is “shaping up to be bloodier than the end of Hamlet.” Shakespearean reference, alright! Way elevated for this bunch! One note from this recapper who had to suffer hours and hours of getting an English major though, ahem. Macbeth was way bloodier. We’re talking disembowlment and Medieval C-sections because of job security where Hamlet was like, drowning yourself in a river because your boyfriend didn’t call you back. Just a suggestion for next time.

Anyway, Travis comes in and even though he’s totally shitfaced he remembered to give Stephanie a hug for reassurance and fucklesticks, Travis is a really great Househusband.

He reminds me of one of those frat guys who belabors all of this dumb having-a-girlfriend shit but actually loves having a girlfriend. Who actually loves *the* girlfriend. Sue me, I’m a sucker for it. He also flew in Steph’s original Maid of Honor, which is the height of thoughtful sweetness:

Travis also had the house set up like frickin Windsor Castle and has an army of caterers to make canapes, just like Steph would have wanted.

But here’s my proof that Travis is forgivably wasted as he talks to the pastor:

One Dark & Stormy down the hatch

Stephanie does a She’s All That slow walk reveal down the stairs as she talks about wearing her original wedding dress 10 years later:

Right before she falls and eats face at the landing, she explains that she wants Travis to remember her just as she was when they first said I do, and also she wants to brag to the audience that she can still fit into her size 00 dress from 10 years earlier.

Well joke’s on you, Steph, I also can still fit into the size 12 bridesmaid’s dress I wore at a friend’s wedding in 2009, so suck it.

Also, can we talk about how her jugs look like bazookas in this thing?

She needs a horn for those.

Travis asks Chance to carry the $42,000 ring he bought for Stephanie up the aisle and it’s very expensively cute. Question mark.

If you lose it you’re going up for adoption to make up for lost costs

As Stephanie walks down the “aisle” she cries in her interviews about how lucky she is to have such an amazing husband, such beautiful children, and such a big home, adding in a heartbreaking way: “I don’t deserve it, but I’m grateful that I have it.”

It’s kind of a gut punch. Stephanie is so, so insecure, and way too self-conscious. I’m glad that she’s the opposite of most Housewives: meak, kind, self-sacrificing and self-deprecating to a fault, but this is way too human. So let me bring it back to the snark level and point out that the screenshot above is my PROOF that Stephanie talks out of the corner of her mouth. HA! Gotcha, girl! Talk normal!

Kidding. I love you and you are perfect just the way you are and if I could wrap you in a pink cloud of fruity cocktails and warmth and love I would.

The flowers at this ceremony alone had to be $400 grand like wtf

They say their vows and Stephanie says in her interviews something that’s really cliche but also very astute when you think about it: “every day we wake up and make a choice to be together.” Which I get. Trust me, after three very bad long-term relationships, I at least know that relationships are a decision, and that statement means a lot coming from a couple that has been happily married for 10 years.

Cary is equally affected by the ceremony but only because she’s totally fucked up on champagne and antihistamines:

I know that looks like a mean coincidental screen grab but trust me, her face was stuck like that for a solid 10 seconds. The good news is Mark was (surprisingly and sweetly) cuddling her the whole time!

Absent, by the way, in all of this is Stephanie’s new best friend LeeAnne. To miss your new best friend’s vow renewal? The one who came to your wedding dress shopping adventure? I dunno man, seems a littleto me.

After the ceremony, everyone parties, bro! Bravo was fully ready for this to be the centerpiece of the episode until the editors realized that everyone was fucking sloshed and Travis interrupted Stephanie’s toast to say this:

And Stephanie’s mom was like this:

Ladies, you never “owe” a man anything. Least of all gymnastic forms of penetration. Not even on his birthday or your anniversary or Christmas or after he saves you from a serial killer. Trust me. And if you don’t trust me, your body will do your talking for you, especially when it comes to boofing.

Guys, it’s time for the cast trip! Which also means it’s time for the girls to pack, which also means it’s time for grown women to cart out rolling racks of hangers that no one but the Real Housewives use!

Seriously, what is up with Real Housewives and their rolling racks of showroom clothes

My favorite part of this scene was learning that This Bitch’s bulldog is named CHUNK and that he likes Court more than he likes This Bitch:

Court asks This Bitch if she’s going to get in a fight with D’Andra and This Bitch just sighs and uses the nonexistent phrase “she’s a long run for a short ride.” What does that even MEAN. The Long Run For a Short Ride, meanwhile, is bitching about This Bitch to Jeremy, who’s like:

basically all of us rn

So basically everyone shows up at the airport with an entire country’s worth of displaced refugees’ belongings:

Brandi immediately upgrades herself to first class on the plane because “LeeAnne called me an alcoholic” and “the drinks are free” there. Ha. Brandi is stone cold awesome.

Also, Brandi wants to be as far away as possible from LeeAnne, who she hopes is “right next to the shitter.” Let’s check in with LeeAnne then, shall we?

Sure ya will, Jim Halpert

Also sitting in coach will be the frugal business owner D’Andra WHO’S NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE HAHAHA what a brave soul:

But suffice to say, based on the check-in scenes, Brandi, Stephanie, Cary, and This Bitch all flew first class, while lonely and divided LeeAnne and D’Andra were stuck with the throng of plebes. Pretending not to know each other as a cheery Southern flight attendant called out boarding groups at the gate (which is the sound you hear right before you’re ushered into the seventh circle of curry-smelling hell).

As D’Andra mopily settles into her uncomfortable seat, rubbing uncomfortable skin cells with the man next to her, Cary predicts that the trip will be a disaster. Because it already is, based on this aviation caste system. The duchess is in steerage, sharing coughs with the general public, hating her self-discipline, while Housewives in the truest sense of the word are luxuriating in first class. Forgetting all about her like they forget the nameless mouth breathers she’s sitting with. And if I know anything about Housewife plane politics (and trust me, I’ve studied it extensively), this is not the last we’ll hear of the First Class to Copenhagen Controversy that has ensued.

Next Week: These bitches are in a weird city! High jinks ensue!

Brandi is ADOPTING a BABY and WHAT YOU SAID is SERIOUS:

And Cary maybe sort of kind of agrees with all respect to LeeAnne because also she sees LeeAnne’s point because Cary agrees with everyone because we’re in the impenetrable neutrality of Northern Europe (get it World War II joke I’m smart):

D’Andra and This Bitch fight about who’s a better friend:

And because some people just can’t help themselves, this happens:

Slutte sig til os, vil du ikke, Trashies? Farvel for now!

MisRed has a premonition…this episode is going to be boring. Why do I say this? Two reasons. 1) I had to sign into my Amazon account on my TV to watch this- which I never have to do. So, there is something amiss in the Universe. 2) Every episode is boring. 3) Vick will be on it.

Oh look, I had three reasons. Lucky you.

Jamaica… we apologize… and are sending you a mini-muffin basket

Previously, the ladies of the OC ruined Jamaica. Shannon flipped out with the group and put herself into solitary confinement. Tamra told everyone who would listen that Shannon was a bad friend. Emily smelled poo and tried to strong arm the Turtle into having another kid. And Vicki twerked. See, I saved the best for last? And by best, I mean worst.

Vicki is home sunning herself.

At Vicki’s house, Steve the Crooked Cop and Faux Latino is outside cleaning the patio furniture. He really is Vicki’s betch. Oh, how nice, Vicki brings him his “favorite cream soda.” Ok, how can Vicki make virtually ANYTHING sound repulsive and unappetizing?

She and Steve review Vicki’s trip to Jamaica. Vicki says, “Didn’t you miss me?”

Oh. You managed to make it home. Too bad.

“Of course!” Steve says, but what he means is… “I missed you… like I would miss a scorching case of herpes!!

Vicki tells Steve she shouldn’t have been drinking due to her upcoming plastic surgery overhaul- but Tamra said it was okay to just have a few.

We all know Tamra got her medical degree recently so, for sure, listen to Tamra.

We flashback to Vicki, not only having multiple drinks, but encouraging everyone else to drink to the point of nearly inciting a riot. Then we flash to Vicki’s doctor’s appointment, Tamra, the free-lance physician, attended. Why do these betches accompany each other to the doctor? I understand if they need a ride or something but wait in the waiting room. You must go in the exam room?!? I have close friends, but I can’t think of one of them I’d have in the exam room with me.

What does his name spell backwards?

Vicki’s Doctor, Dr. Milind Ambe- which looks like it’s code for something- is the ghost of Russell Armstrong,.

Except slightly less wife-beatery. HE explains to Vicki she will need a simple “lower face and neck lift.”

So…. something like this?

I think this guy is underestimating his work load with this job.

Steve tells Vicki that he doesn’t want her to have any more surgery after this. Vicki says, “I just want to be your pretty arm ornament.” Um… honey… think again. Albatross maybe. Ornament, no.

Vicki reviews her past plastic surgeries. She has had, virtually, EVERYTHING done, at least once.

Nose and Chin

Boobs and Tummy Tuck

Boobs

Eyelift

Boobs

Tweaked

Tweaked

Pulled

Pulled

BOOM!

Vicki says it will be “Easy smeasy.” SMH. Can Vicki get ANYTHING right? Steve says any time you go under general anesthesia, it’s a risk. Vicki says, “Well I do have that brain thing (apparently, she has cholesteatoma), but I haven’t told him yet.” Steve is like- you haven’t TOLD him yet? That’s going to impact how he works on you. Vicki says “I don’t think he’s gonna go into my brain.” Vicki is so stupid.

But CAN he, if we ask him nicely? He might be able to do some renovation in there too.

Do we think with 11 surgeries Vicki gets the 12^th for free?

Speaking of stupid, let’s check in with Tamra. Tamra is also doing some outside cleaning. Eddie brings her some lunch. Then THEY review Jamaica and how Shannon was snubbing Gina and Emily. Eddie says “Yeah, that’s because Shannon thinks her shit don’t stink.” Tamra says it’s not out of arrogance but rather insecurity. Eddie gives her, probably, pretty much the same lecture he gave her about Ryan at one point or another, she must want it for herself, you are enabling her yada yada yada.

What did Shannon ever do to Eddie? Why is he so anti-Shannon? Ohhh, wait he’s friends with David, the Anti-Christ. Well, I mean, I get it. Eddie probably gets it from both sides. David portrays Shannon as an insane animal- which she is and then he has Tamra in his other ear saying that Shannon is an insane animal AND a bad friend. Ok, so Eddie Hatred Mystery solved. Sorry MisRed just had to talk through that.

Tamra says she has been frustrated with Shannon. She has not only unloaded her frustration on Shannon but has told EVERYBODY else about her frustrations as well. She even took out a billboard on Sunset. “Am I a bad friend because I did that?” Yes. Yes, you are. “Should I just shut my mouth?”

Yes. Yes, you should.

Eddie says Tamra should keep it between herself and Shannon because every time one shares stuff like that, people will twist it and turn it and make it into something it’s not.

Good advice Eddie. Too bad Tamara has already shot off her mouth on 7,000 previous occasions. Will Tamra ever learn?

NOPE.

Eddie’s doctor has recommended he see a rock-star surgeon named Dr. Natale. If he can’t fix Eddie, nobody can. Eddie just wants to get back to riding his bike and running. Tamra says “And boning your wife.” Eddie is like… not so much that… it’s more the exercise. Eddie says due to his medication, he can’t get a boner that often.

And especially not with Tamra.

Tamra says she’s been giving him a pass, but he has some making up to do. Ew.

Emily and Turtle go to see a therapist- her face is a little Kate-from-This-Is-Us-ish.

Kerreen?
Get her parents on the phone, STAT.

(I happen to think Chrissy Metz is B.E.A-utiful- so don’t think I’m hatin’.) Turtle looks THRILLED to be there. They are there to discuss their “fertility journey.” Oh goody. So happy to discuss THIS topic for the 1,000,000 time! We review, again, Emily has had 5 miscarriages and one pregnancy with twins who she delivered at 4 months and they did not survive. Emily thinks Turtle has a hard time understanding because he didn’t go through the physical and emotional pieces of her miscarriages.

Maybe. Or maybe he’s just a dick.

Turtle says he was with her all along the way and it’s not a fair statement. He is ready to close the chapter and has no interest in having more children. He thinks whatever he says he looks out to be “Heartless.”

Yeah, well, he is heartless. I’m just kidding. Listen, this is a HUGE issue in their marriage. Turtle wants what he wants. And Emily wants what she wants. People get divorced over stuff like this. One of them will have to compromise and hopefully NOT resent the other with the decision that is being made. That being said… why are we seeing this? This should be done in private. In my opinion, if it was someone else- someone who had been with of the franchises for a longer tenure- okay, it might be more appropriate.

For example, if Countess Luann and The Pirate were considering exploring a fertility journey… THAT is something we would want to see.

He’d scramble her eggs a la francaise.

Emily is very upset- like, actually crying real tears. And Turtle makes no move to comfort her in any way.

As comforting as a blanket of razor blades.

Apparently, when she lost her twins, the hospital made a box and she’s never looked at it. Turtle has. He was seeing if he could nest in there. The box contains the birth and death certificates of the twins. The Doctor suggests it to be Emily’s next step to open that box.

MisRed read a lot of comments on the old Social Media about people knocking Shane for not comforting Emily. MrRed is an emotionless animal at times. His parents raised him to not who or acknowledge or show emotions. And MisRed likes to show and feel every emotion- sometimes all at once. So MrRed doesn’t always know what to do at times – like- if I’m upset or having a meltdown. So, I tell him “This is where you come over here and hug me and just tell me it will all be okay.” So maybe Turtle just needs to be guided? OR run over by a car. Whichever.

UGH. It’s Election Day… it’s too early for MisRed to be this depressed.

We get some snippet of sh*t that was too boring to make into a scene, which could, pretty much apply to any scene in any episode this season. Kelly showing Jolie and her friends at the Musical Theatre Academy all of her signature dance moves. Gina in her new Casita giving her Mom a tour via FaceTime. I’m sure Gina’s mom is proud of how Gina is moving up in the world.

Cue the banjo music.

Back with Tamra, Ryan is over with his rugrat, who is wearing only a diaper. She looks like she should be playing in a burned out car in front of a single-wide in the middle of a swamp somewhere, while her daddy makes taxidermy in the car port.

You can take the family out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the family. Don’t give MisRed backlash for making fun of Ryan’s kid- I’m not making fun of the kid, I’m making fun of Ryan and Tammy Sue. You Hillbillies are on TV, put a t-shirt on the kid and call it a day.

Tamra is planning a birthday party for her son, Spencer, she says it will be just family. Really, shouldn’t Tamra invite people who are speaking to her? Just family will be a pretty small party.

Tamra says she is so proud of her son, Spencer. And then she tells Eddie he has “a bat in the cave,” and then shoves her finger up his nose to retrieve it and then wipes it on his shirt. Classy, AF.

It’s surgery day for Vicki. Which could be ANY day, really. The girl at the desk asks Vicki if she has a living will or a trust and she says she does. Then she turns to Steve and tells him there is a black box on the floor of her office and her entire life is in there.

Is that what the FAA uses to reconstruct what happens every time Vicki crashes?

Can I get that in writing please?

Steve is like… FINALLY!!!! Cut to Steve with a blow-torch and said black box.

The receptionist asks Vicki if she wants to be resuscitated should she die on the table. Vicki says she does because she has a lot to do this week. Ok, that was mildly amusing.

Don’t we get a vote?

But can we sign a petition to get her DNR changed? Just wondering.

Elsewhere, Shannon checks in to her surgery appointment. Kelly, who has just stumbled in from a night at the HunkaBunka, is there to be her emotional-support cougar.

Pssst, Kelly, it’s daytime.

Shannon is having eyelid surgery because “I’m a single lady” and she claims she will be dating someday. So, she’s having skin taken off her eyelids.

Makes about as much sense as anything else these women do.

Kelly thinks this eye surgery will improve Shannon’s self-confidence. You know what else might? A personality transplant.

Dear Diary, you’ll never guess what David did today…

Shannon signs all the surgery paperwork without reading it. She says if she reads about all the negative stuff that can happen, she will panic. She says, “The Doctor knows what he’s doing!”

In theory, Yes. But have you listened to Dr. Death?

Shannon and Kelly discuss Vicki’s surgery and whether or not it’s a full face lift or just a partial. Kelly is like- she should just do the whole thing at her age. LOL. MisRed thinks Vicki should set herself on fire and just start fresh.

Back with Vicki, she is getting a steroid injection. To shrink her penis, I presume? There is a funny side effect, Dr. Frankenstein explains… Vicki knows all about it. It makes her “hoo-ha” buzz.

Can we go one episode without hearing about Vicki’s snatch?

<dry heave>

Does she have four surgeries a day? Is that responsible for her goat-like sex drive?

Vicki gets marked up:

Preliminary….

Best 7 out of 10.

Over at Shannon’s surgery, they are shoving paper in her eyes and acting like it’s totally normal.

You are shoving the fortunes in my eye and I haven’t even had my Moo Goo Gai Pan yet!!

As Shannon is about to go under the Doctor says “Okay, pick a dream, you will be there in just a moment.” Do we think she’s picturing a nacho fountain or cream cheese oozing our of salmon or a screwdriver lodged in David’s new girlfriend’s temple?

Shannon and Vicki both go under the knife. Vicki’s last words “I have a lot of people depending upon me.”

Shannon seems to be done first. Yeah well, she didn’t need to have scaffolding erected and permits filed with the city, so it stands to reason she’d be done first.

Is Archie there to give her a ride home?

She’s super groggy, but don’t worry… the doctor didn’t suck out ANY of her passive aggressiveness or negativity. Shannon interviews that she would really like to have her partner right by her side and to have them take care of her after surgery, but she doesn’t have that.

Why is she selling Archie short??? Sure, he can’t drive, but otherwise he is a better partner than David was. She says the kids are at home waiting for her and she’s happy about that.

Over at the rebuilding of the lost city of Atlantis… Vicki is wheeled out of surgery. Steve the CCFL goes into the recovery room with her. Hmmm, the doctors missed putting the bandages right over Vicki’s face.

The first thing Vicki asks, “Am I pretty?” Is that rhetorical? If not, Vicki, the answer is always no.

“Do I look like Vicki?” Steve is like, yeah, you look like Vicki wrapped up in a towel. Vicki says, “Got to keep my sexy man.”

Just make sure the checks clear and Steve will stay around.

“I have no panties on right now.” Vicki says. And the audience, collectively, vomits.

Awww, Sophie is a good kid.

Shannon is recovering at home. Sophie is trying to help Shannon with her quest to become a mummy. Sophie is sweet with Shannon. You know David would be sitting on the edge of the bed eating chips and salsa and telling her how fat and lazy she is.

Over at Tamra’s house it’s party day. Her mom, Sandy, is there, so is her dad, Frank. And Sandy’s boyfriend, also named Frank, is there as well. Apparently, Sandy has a thing for “Franks.” She’s been with four Franks.

Sandy has ridden them both.

Frank-furters. Don’t we all, honey, don’t we all? Tamra likes this current Frank. He’s a weed-smoking plumber.

Apparently, Spencer is upstairs in his room with his girlfriend, but Tamra says they have an “open door policy.” Sandy bets her $500 that if she goes upstairs the door will be closed. Tamra goes up and sure enough, the door is closed.

I’ll bet YOU $500 Tamra never paid up.

The kid comes downstairs and interacts with his grandparents. Tamra says the kids is like a 90-year-old man. He’s into politics and planning his life and loves history and likes to communicate. So, he’s, like, an adult?

See, Tamra? He turned out OK despite your involvement.

Hmmm. Spencer looks like Tamra in a bushy mushroom wig.

Wait a minute….wait a gosh-darn minute…

Yes, yes, I see it now.

Ryan shows up with the grandkid- who has clothes on in this scene. Speaking of oddities, Tamra has a wooden sign in her living room that says “FARMHOUSE.” I mean, she is a jackass, so maybe it fits?

The party goes into full-swing. Tamra says Spencer has never had a drop of alcohol and she’s proud of that. She says the reason Ryan turned out so differently than Spencer is because Tamra was a kid when she was raising Ryan.

Tammy Sue Waddle, Teenage Ho-bag.

Ok, maybe partially true. But Spencer had a dad who was active in his life. Yes, it was Simon, but having two ACTIVE parents usually benefit the off-spring. It’s not a big mystery, Tammy Sue.

Tamra talks to her brother saying -He’s such a good kid. Doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke. The brother is like- “That we know of. He IS still US.” Yes, so he’s part hillbilly.

Over at the terrarium, Emily is dressed for a trip to the 1700’s and her kids have playdoh stuck to the floor. Turtle comes in to mock his kids saying they aren’t playing monster trucks right.

You asshole babies are DOING IT WRONG!!!

The kids are, like, 2 years old and they will be taller than Turtle in approximately 4 months. He really should be nicer to them. Why do none of these kids wear pants?

Emily says she’s ready to “open the box” from the hospital. Turtle says he will pull it out of his plastic castle and she can look at it. She is only opening it because the therapist told her to open it. She tells the nanny to keep the kids downstairs.

Staple them to the floor if you have to.

She and Turtle sit in his tank on a pile of rocks and look through that baby box. It is heartbreaking. You know, if MisRed had a heart.

There’s something in my eye…

There are cards with the baby’s handprints and footprints and there is a lovely card from Emily’s grandmother in the box as well. It’s a card Emily says she’s never seen before. Hmmmm. One would THINK the Turtle, especially when the grandmother died, would have passed that note along to Emily? Weird. This whole thing is WEIRD.

Emily thought it might help her get closure, but she thinks closure is a “bullshit” term. It kind of is. You can be content with something and be over something, but it’s always a part of you.

You should see the other guy.

Kelly and Gina go over to Shannon’s house, and she’s in bed. Shannon has two black eyes. Kelly brought Shannon some nachos. Shannon reports Tamra had been there already.

You know Tamra was the first one there to get a crack at the fresh meat.

Archie Nightengale

But mostly Shannon has been hanging out with Archie. As she should be.

I’m stirring the pot out of CONCERN

They review the Jamaica trip and Gina says that now she’s in good place with Shannon, she’s ready to stir the pot be honest with Shannon. Gina continues- the day Shannon had left the earth’s atmosphere there was a lot of talk about Shannon’s mental health and wondering if Shannon was of sound mind. MisRed is paraphrasing, but this is the general idea. Shannon says, “It’s so interesting how many people are going to pipe in when no one lives in my shoes every single day.”

Yes, it is. But Shannon does it too, so… what’s her point?

Gina interviews that now she and Shannon are friends, she feels a personal responsibility to check in with Shannon and see if what the others are saying is true- is dis betch cray? She says it’s coming from a place of CONCERN.

Oh Gina. I have Saran Wrap that is less transparent than you. Low-key bitch.

She goes on to say that Tamra has been talking about her, and Kelly concurs. And adds that Vicki was chiming in. Gina says that they were just concerned for Shannon. LOL.

Kelly, in her talking head, says Shannon and Tamra are co-dependent and have a weird vibe. But Gina shouldn’t be getting involved because she’s not going to win. Tamra and Shannon are thick as thieves. Yes, so why did Kelly chime in?

Shannon says considering everything thing has been through, she thinks she’s been strong and resilient.

Like a mobile home in a tornado.
Bethenny will be showing up with a bag of cash cards any day now.

Shannon thinks it’s not the best time to be telling her this- when she’s recovering from eye surgery and probably shouldn’t CRY. It’s not like Gina gives a crap about Shannon’s plastic surgery.

Vicki has decided to recover at the Monarch Beach Resort and rides into the hotel with a scarf over her head.

Vicki should save money on surgery and just adopt this look full time.

Was her robe from Iceland in the wash?

Vicki claims that her Doctor is “very strict about patients NOT going home after surgery.” Um. Why? Vicki says Steve is a trooper for staying with her.

Yes, a real trooper. You KNOW he’s frantically making hushed calls in the bathroom “You told me this would be taken care of during surgery!! I want my $10k back! Hitman, my ass!!”

Vicki interviews “It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world to have a man you are in love with and can be completely honest with… and so what if I drool a little bit…that’s LOVE!” Oh yes, Vicki has been completely honest. She doesn’t think about Brooks at all. She wasn’t flirting with that creep Italian chef. Totally honest.

She asks how her skin looks? “it’s been a little waffley lately.” Lately? The Eggo Company has a shorter history in the waffle biz.

Vicki says “I want to be so pretty for you.” Steve takes some photos of her to you know, mock on social media later.

I’m gonna send this one to “Cake Wrecks” and see if they can use it.

And we learn Vicki never told the doctor about her prior surgeries from her cholesteatoma. After surgery, the doctor came out to talk to Steve and said there was some complications due to her previous surgeries- of which he was NOT AWARE.

Great job, Vicki. Way to be concerned for your own health and well-being.

Steve tells Vicki the surgery took an extra hour because she didn’t tell the doctor about her issue.

My guess is Vicki has never told ANY doctor about this issue. I can’t imagine it’s something they do not need to know about. Especially facial surgery. Maybe the doctor wouldn’t have performed the surgery if he knew?

Vicki mumbles God had a separate plan for her… to meet Steve Lodge at a charity event. Ugh. “Are you so happy you met me???” Steve just chugs his Amstel.

You are going to need something a LOT stronger for the long haul.

In Vicki’s talking head she says there is no rhyme or reason why she met Steve at that charity event- it was just her parents sprinkling a little love on her.

Or you know, people meet people when they are at events together. But Vicki’s probably right- it was a couple of birds at the window.

Steve leaves Vicki to rest. Vicki says she needs a little bell. She lies there calling him and calling him and he doesn’t come. He ran home to put everything back in the black box.

Tamra meets some of the girls for lunch. She says Shannon called her and said “Gina was just at my house and she said you said a bunch of horrible things about me.”

Emily, wearing horizontal stripes, meets Tamra, and then Gina and Kelly arrive. WTF is Kelly wearing? She has a bandana in her hair. Um, this isn’t 1986.

Gina goes to hug Tamra and she doesn’t move from the couch.

No hug for you, betch.

Gina is like… Oh no. She now knows Shannon called Tamra and got Tamra mad at her.

Frosted Blue is not your friend…

Whatever game Gina is playing with eyeshadow… the eyeshadow is winning.

Kelly says Shannon called her on the way to lunch, and she knows Shannon called Tamra. Gina says, “about what?”

Tamra pulls the classic “We will talk about that in a little bit.”

Good job Tamra. Way to build the tension. Tamra is going to let Gina stew. Tamra is going to pounce when she is good and ready. She has Gina caught in her web and is going to make her sweat it out.

Gina says, “Let’s talk about Shannon- let’s talk about it.” Tamra says she would LOVE to hear Gina’s side before she loses her sh*t.

I will go psycho-opossum on your ass!!!

Ooooo. Tamra is so scary.
Seriously, shouldn’t Tamra be hanging upside down in a closet somewhere?

Plus, pretty sure Gina could break Tamra over her knee.

Let me speak realllll slow so Tamra can understand…

Gina tries to semi-explain, saying Kelly was there, she originally thought Shannon was just rude, but now that she understands her a little more, she’s concerned for her.

Tamra asks if she ever told Shannon she needed to tell her what her good friend has been saying about her. Gina says she didn’t say that- Kelly agrees. When we flash back, it was Kelly who said “Tamra keeps talking… Vicki was talking and going on and on.” Gina tries to play if off as Shannon’s best friends are concerned for her.

Gina interviews that Shannon is twisting the situation to start a fight between she and Tamra. Yes, Shannon IS twisting it, because Shannon always jumps to the worst possible conclusion in every single scenario. HOWEVER, Gina is not completely innocent either. MisRed does not, not for one minute, think her motivations or intentions were pure.

Gina says that she didn’t say that Tamra hadn’t been a good friend but Tamra did say a lot of stuff that day. Tamra maintains she never said anything that she didn’t say to Shannon’s face that day.

And remember how that turned out? Shannon launched herself into the outer bands of the universe when Tamra was informing Shannon of all her shortcomings.

Tamra says “Oh so you just wanted to MAKE SURE that she knew?” Gina is like- Yeah, I did.

Tamra says she didn’t expect this from Gina, she expected loyalty from Gina. Tamra tells Gina that she was barely on speaking terms with Shannon and suddenly now she’s stirring up sh*t. Gina says she wasn’t stirring up sh*t, she was just trying to show concern for Shannon.

See Tamra? You haven’t cornered the marketing on being a hateful twat.

Gina said Shannon gave her a story about how she was going to lose custody of her children. HUH?

So Gina says she told Shannon the stuff that was being said about her- that she frantically calls people in the middle of the night crying, throwing tantrums, she sleeps all day, she’s drinking herself to sleep every night, she launches herself into outer space without NASA approval, she had Doctor Moon poke her in the butt, she shot three men in Texas, threw a saddle on Vicki and rode her to Andale’s to avoid the cops….

Gina says she thinks she got played.

Tamra asks if she told Shannon that her best friend (Tamra) is a sh*tty best friend?

If the sh*t fits…

Gina says she didn’t say that. Then Emily gets involved – saying that she has these issues with her Mom and her Mom has mental illness and she sees a lot of the same patterns in Shannon’s behavior and she thinks this is a way of, starting the conversation, to get Shannon the help she needs.

LOL. These betches. They are TOO much.

Tamra says she and Kelly have had many conversations about Shannon out of concern, but now Tamra is being a labeled as “a shit-ass friend because I’m concerned for her. Have I said too much? I’m a talker. If I said too much, I’m SORRY!!”

But she’s not sorry. And then cue the “water works.”

Tammy Sue, Professional Victim.

Kelly says Tamra takes on too much with Shannon and it imploded.

Tamra through “tears,” says she is trying to be there for Shannon.” Gina says it’s hard when all you are is truthful and honest and it just gets you into trouble. Gina thinks Shannon is backing Tamra into a weird place.

Gina isn’t wrong. Tamra is not talking to the other women because she’s CONCERNED for Shannon. I’m not saying she isn’t concerned for Shannon, she could be, but she’s talking about Shannon to the other women because she is a gossiping troll. She wants all of the other women to have sympathy for TAMRA for being such a saint for putting up with Shannon’s histrionics. And Shannon IS backing Tamra into a weird place- she’s doing it to all of them, really. Shannon just wants it her way- if you dare suggest she’s not handling something normally or reacting to something in the normal way, or judging her in any way, she flips her wig. So, it’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t type situation.

Next week, Tamra runs to Vicki with her Shannon woes.

Yes, because two wrongs always make a right.

Shannon throws herself a birthday party. Psycho Mike compliments Kelly.

oh no.

Yawnsville- Population: US. The only good thing about this episode is that there was the potential for Vicki to die. Oh THAT and we got to see ARCHIE!!! What do you think Gina’s motive is? Is she stirring the pot, just trying to be Shannon’s friend or is she just trying to make out with Shannon again?

Hey guys! It’s season 11 and it started off with a whimper. Everyone’s basically doing the exact same thing as last season except Porsha did a Freaky Friday switch with Kenya and now she has the latter’s storyline.

Porsha is dating a guy who’s her height when he stands on his wallet. He sells wieners for a living, she catches them for a living – it’s the perfect match. He also owns hookah clubs so I’m sure this newfound medium profile relationship isn’t advantageous to him at all.

They go shopping for engagement rings that cost as much as half a million dollars. The diamonds are bigger than the hush puppies at OLG and Porsha’s as giddy as a schoolgirl who doesn’t realize that “F” isn’t short for phenomenal. She’s practically begging this man to propose but he’s totally down with it so I guess it’s good. They’ve only been together for five months so this is feeling like Tom and Luann 2.0. Also, I got engaged to someone after 6 months and that crashed and burned so…good luck and get a pre-nup.

NeNe and Gregg are going through the rigors of cancer. They found out about it on “Cinco de Maya” which is the day she read five Maya Angelou poems in Spanish. They have a prayer group and they say lots of encouraging things to him.

Kandi is still busy as ever. She and Todd are entertaining having more kids since they have two embryos left but Riley tells them that they’re never around. Todd’s justification is that they are able to provide a certain lifestyle so they have to accept being raised by DonJuan and Momma Joyce on her lucid days. Also, Riley has lost many pounds and I’m officially jealous of a teenager.

Cynthia is dating Mike Hill, a sports broadcaster. She’s a little less awkward than she was with Will but they’re in a long distance relationship. Noelle likes him and Cynthia admits to letting him swim in her cool waters. I’m not sure if that means he borrowed her cologne, fell into her lake while leaf blowing or if they had sex. I bet it’s all three. Simultaneously.

Eva has had her baby and she does a photo shoot with her fiance and the kids. She says that the difference between her modeling and Cynthia’s is twenty years. I’m guessing that they told her to spice things up this season. Either way, it’s not cool. Put her in Juicy sweatpants and a trucker hat and I couldn’t distinguish Eva’s current photo shoot from her ANTM days.

Porsha visits NeNe at her boutique to offer support in the form of twerking. It seems to work. Porsha mentions that she’ll be in Miami for her birthday so she’ll see NeNe at her non-Uber sponsored comedy show. Later, Porsha extends the invite to all of the women and they all agree to surprise NeNe. Kandi was less than thrilled to hear from Porsha but she’ll leave her kids in a heartbeat if it means she’ll get more security cam footage of DonJuan Mrs. Doubtfire-ing his way through the weekend.

Cynthia doesn’t know how she’ll keep this trip a secret from NeNe so when they speak she quickly tells NeNe that she has to get on a conference call. The Bailey Agency landlord wants to know if he should board up the windows from the inside or the outside.

Kandi and her group members are winning an ASCAP award. The group wants to know the most important details e.g what kind of food will they be serving. Ace goes to the event even though it’s at night and he’s a baby because she doesn’t know anything about her baby. Donjuan is clearly annoyed and says that Todd is nowhere to be found since he went to get a drink. In Todd’s defense, it’s hard for him to see over the bar and get the bartender’s attention. It takes him a while.

Meanwhile Porsha’s man has chartered a private plane to fly them to Miami. Her hair is Season 3 Kandi red and her outfit is “Black people love a white party” white. Dennis seems annoyed that they’re running late. She’s hoping that he’ll propose this weekend so she’s going to wear white the entire time in the hopes that he’ll be blinded and unable to see the price tags when they go shopping.

On the way to the hotel, Porsha asks if Dennis knows Kandi. He says that he does but is really sketchy on the details. I think Porsha already knows this and is playing along because it’s part of the plot. There’s no way she’s just going to let this slide. Unless she wants the ring that badly – which she does. Anyway, they get to the hotel and after spending an inappropriate amount of time in the bathroom rattling off his stats to her sister (no kids, no wives and a lifetime supply of penis shaped mystery meat?!), Porsha exits the bathroom and is presented with a jewelry box. We’ll have to tune in next week to see if it’s an engagement ring or a new diamond encrusted hookah for his club that he’s definitely not going to promote.

Next week, we’ll see the conclusion of the box opening and the girls will surprise NeNe. What’d you think? Love you for reading and commenting!

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Hej, Trashies! Wilkommen (or something Nordic, who cares) back to The Real Housewives of Dallas!

Good news: the girls have finally landed in Copenhagen! And holy shit was this a good episode. The xannie-laced flight was well worth that eight hours… of recapping that I did just for this marzipan-wrapped episode.

Just kidding! It was more booze-soaked than marzipan-wrapped, but that’s what you were hoping for, right?

… and all of This Bitch’s luggage made it too!

They all find their driver, who was weirdly instructed to pick them up under Cary’s “Danish” name, Christensen. The poor puffy old Danish guy loads their 59 cases of luggage on board and ties the remaining 11 to the bumper with some cooking string then takes off, the spare suitcases slamming furiously against the street behind them. On the van is of course, a bunch of champagne, because it’s 8 am and these floozies are majorly jetlagged so what a great idea, right?

Cary explains that their first day will be low-key: ya know, nap, unpack, have a nice dinner at the hotel where everyone will scream at each other and then cry very publicly, the uje. Then tomorrow they’ll be going to an album release party for Camilla, Denmark’s Got Talent reigning champion and Biggest Superstar in the Entire World. This Bitch says that she will where a leather jacket to “be hip,” and also so she can write in her diary that night: “Dear Diary, Tonight I went to a release party. It was so fun and sexy! I wore a leather jacket and I was HIP! Someone mistook me for a Judd sister. It was awesome! I saw a dog on the street and it was brown with white spots. He looked at me weird so I told his master how to manifest a mansion and rich husband! Love, This Bitch”

Same, LeeAnne

We find out that This Bitch is still a little loopy since the sleeping pill she took on the plane hasn’t worn off yet. She suddenly has dreams of becoming “like a gangster rapper” and starts staring off into the distance, her head lolling back in the seat of the van, drawling out phrases like “wha’up gurl,” and “hey ho.” Hey ho, This Bitch says, over and over again. Hey ho. Hey ho. Hey ho. She smiles as the sound of it starts to become unfamiliar and silly, like a song a bunch of dwarfs would sing on their way to the mine. Hey ho!

Then she spills champagne all over D’Andra and smiles drunkenly and says, “Karma’s a bitch.”

Guys, I actually really like This Bitch when she’s fucked up. She’s fun.

They get to their hotel, which plows them with even more alcohol, because this trip is all about good decisions.

They dump their 294 metric tons of luggage and tour the admittedly gorgeous penthouse suites that have been reserved for them.

Stephanie complains because she has to sleep in “the hole” with its weird steps:

Over in LeeAnne and This Bitch’s suite, This Bitch starts unpacking her FOUR suitcases, which all have little tiny pink baby suitcases inside them, each sorted by swimwear, delicates, petticoats, handkerchiefs, neckerchiefs, opera gloves, and 400 sets of pajamas. Because sleeping in the same set of pajamas on one vacation is for Poors.

She explains, like an asshole who would actually say this out loud, that she also brought a backup pair of sneakers in case her “DESIGNER TENNIS SHOES” outlast her “two-hour limit” and give her blisters.

(walk them into hell, This Bitch)

As the ladies get ready, D’Andra whines to Cary about her anxiety facing LeeAnne and This Bitch because of the alcoholism rumors and the recent ambush from Jimmy Westcott, who claims that all of Dallas – a city of 1.3 million people – are talking about D’Andra. She’s finally gotten wise to the idea that only six people knew about her scandalous K-cup butt stunt in Beaver Creek, so if anyone’s spreading butt gossip about her (the best kind there is!) it’s obviously LeeAnne or This Bitch.

Let me be the first to say: uh-DUHHHHHHHHH.

Down in The Hole, Brandi and Stephanie are whisper-talking to each other in that hyper-girlie way they do (“do you feel guuuud?” “ya, I feel guuuud.”) and Brandi reveals her evil plot for the evening: to get super drunk at dinner to prompt LeeAnne to call her an alcoholic (which LeeAnne has already done, on numerous occasions to numerous people). So… Brandi’s going to make LeeAnne look stupid by… proving LeeAnne right? Seriously, how is this a strategic plan? Stephanie agrees with me that it’s dumb, interviewing that Brandi should just talk to LeeAnne like an adult instead of “pretending to be an alcoholic.” Um, getting intentionally shitfaced at dinner isn’t “pretending” to be an alcoholic, but whatever! Let’s do this dinner, I’m psyched.

Bravo tries to do a sexy slow-mo shot of the girls walking down to dinner but it’s ruined by this stupid Grinch ad bumper.

After the girls all sit down, the chef of this MICHELIN STAR restaurant (it’s been praised by that Tire Guy that was in Ghostbusters) comes out to explain that they’ll be the first to try the new menu. It’s filled with all kinds of fancy rich people food like thyroid glands and chicken livers and cow colons and horse lungs and goat scrotums, how elegant! Immediately, everyone at the table turns into picky toddlers and yells out about how they won’t eat any of this.

MOM, TAKE ME TO CHICK-FIL-A THIS IS GROSS.

Cary explains that there’s an option tomorrow to either go to a brewery or do some other sober activity, so Brandi starts executing her ridiculous plan early and says, I’ll go to the brewery by myself! “I love all kinds of alcohol,” she gushes, and LeeAnne of course starts taking the bait. With her face, at least.

Brandi explains her plot again in her interviews, how she’ll drink and drink and drink to get LeeAnne to finally call her an alcoholic to Brandi’s face, “and then I’ll call her on it!” Brandi titters. Right Brandi, you’ll call her on it as you’re laying on the floor in a pool of your own urine, slurring out nonsense words as everyone tries to get you upright before you choke on your own vomit. Solid thinking.

God, I’m so glad LeeAnne didn’t call Brandi a murderer.

“I finally got you to say it to my face, LeeAnne!”

After the food comes out and This Bitch makes a stupid ploy for attention by complaining that she doesn’t eat raw food*, the chef brings a round of schnapps to the table.
* She ordered the steak tartare and had no idea it was raw. Remember when she didn’t know what steak frites was? For someone who follows a stricter book of etiquette than the Queen of fucking England she really has no idea what haute cuisine is, god.

Brandi makes a point to down every drop of her shot and then proceeds to drink everyone else’s, and then proceeds to drink everything on the table that is in a glass.

… because remember, this is what is going to prove LeeAnne wrong.

… and then she builds a pyramid with all of it beeeeecaaaaaauuuuse reasons.

Cary asks LeeAnne how her wedding planning’s going, which of course navigates into a conversation about dress shopping, which naturally leads into the awkward topic of D’Andra not going because she was invited at the last minute. This Bitch turns the dress thing into her crusade, tacking it onto that stupid grudge she already had over D’Andra “bringing Jimmy into” the fight that LeeAnne and D’Andra and I guess(?) This Bitch are all having.

Brandi drunkenly realizes that maybe this idea of hers wasn’t that great.

D’Andra rightfully tells This Bitch that she’s getting involved in a fight between LeeAnne and D’Andra where she has no place, and This Bitch does that infuriatingly cheap, infuriatingly effective thing where you tell someone to “calm down” and allege that they’re “attacking you.”

This is the face of Female Gaslighting

URGH I hate this shit. It’s the most commonly used tactic in Housewife bullying: why are you getting so mad? All I did was push you down the stairs and shove a knife in your side. Calm down! This Bitch then has the gall to ask D’Andra: “is this how your MOTHER talks to you?”

come again bish

Naturally, D’Andra POPS THE FUCK OFF, causing all the poor unassuming Danish people eating at the restaurant, who have never heard of these Real Häusfrauleins, to stare and gawk.

“Oh so this is why they elected Trump, I get it.”

This Bitch asks D’Andra, all breathless, “what have I done to you?” and D’Andra starts explaining what happened at Jeremy’s mural reveal. This Bitch sneers that she left because D’Andra “ATTACKED” her and “ATTACKED” her mother-in-law, since in America telling someone that they hurt your feelings automatically makes them the victim.

And then Cary gets all uppity because This Bitch and D’Andra are “acting like fucking monkeys in my restaurant.”

“My restaurant.” I love how Cary’s the kind of person who “takes” a group of people on vacation to a foreign country and then acts like everything in the country is thus hers. Welcome to my airport! Enjoy my hotel! Let me call you one of my taxi cabs! Please behave at my Pyramids! Have respect in my Hagia Sofia! Don’t take flash photography at my Wailing Wall!

This Bitch finally decides to leave the table with this very insightful and lasting soundbite: “It’s a very slippery slope from a butt plug to a butt dial.” LOeffingL what does that even MEAN.

I just tried to find a funny gif of a butt plug and… let’s just say I’m glad I’m writing this on my own laptop. But(t) I did find this:

Who in their right mind would want this anywhere near their privates.

Hey, while This Bitch is leaving, let’s check in on Brandi and her Brilliant Scheme!

Fantastic. Brandi blames This Bitch and D’Andra – and not, say, 89 shots of Aquavit that she willingly inhaled in three minutes – for ruining her plan. Cary dejectedly tells the rest of the group that she’s going to go pay the bill (with Andy’s credit card). Brandi slurshes out that that’s great! Shizz jiss gunna stay eer n keep wirkn on’r tawerr.

Unfortunately for This Bitch and D’Andra, this very posh hotel only has one very posh elevator, so the two of them eventually meet at it and start their very posh fight all over again. They are furious. I mean you can tell they really feel all that hate because they each clutch a hand to their chest, afraid that all this offense to their respective character will be so great and cancerous that their boobs are just gunna fall right off their bodies.

This is why you wear fanny packs.

As the rest of the group catches up to them, This Bitch riles in her interview that D’Andra has now “attacked” her for a second time and you guys, I think we really need to sit this group down (This Bitch especially) and have a long hard lesson on what the word “attack” means. Everyone tries to get on the elevator with This Bitch and D’Andra at the same time and there’s more fighting that kind of looks something like this:

(sorry, couldn’t help myself)

Ha! Just kidding. But could you imagine? Jeff Flake on the Real Housewives. LeeAnne would swallow him whole and then win America’s hearts and keep winning all the way to the White House.

Guys, I know I’m the recapper here, but I really cannot even tell you what was going on in this scene, other than D’Andra and This Bitch screaming at each other from the opposite side of the elevator. Cary was in the elevator with D’Andra, and everyone else was outside, and the most important thing that happened was Brandi pissedly waving her arms in front of the elevator door and “helping,” I guess.

You know what I love about this show? It’s basically five women having a conversation about something and Brandi going BLAH BLAH BLAH I’M A WITCH WATCH ME DO MAGIC. It’s basically The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina but with more alcohol and less depressing Instagram filter.

After the doors close, This Bitch starts ugly fake crying about how she’d like NEVER do that to a friend! CROAK, and psh, who cares. Not me.

We’ve seen this before, This Bitch. Try harder.

Everyone gets back up to the penthouse and Stephanie tries to be a diplomatic peacemaker. And by that I mean she just stands at the doorway saying everyone’s name in a despondent way.

Constructive! Boy do I feel better now that we’ve heard the Blue Rhinestones & Slutty Boots take.

LeeAnne tries to reason with D’Andra by saying the following, and I want you all to remember this speech in the next five minutes:

You’re responsible for yourself and your actions no matter how much people push your buttons. You can control yourself and you can maintain civility and you can express yourself without elevating.

LeeAnne adds that she hasn’t always taken that lesson to heart but she is now, and D’Andra (REAL stupidly) makes a jab that LeeAnne’s good behavior has only lasted for six months, or as long as her bullshit bowl meditation thing has been … a thing. Everyone else (not real stupidly) clears the room.

Ugh, more of This Bitch fake ugly crying.

whoops, wrong screenshot:

Basically, she pulls more lines from the Bible for Basic Bitches, sobbing that “all I tried to do was to be her friend!” Cary mentions that maybe D’Andra doesn’t want to be friends (adding in her interview that This Bitch is so upset because Jimmy’s involved, somehow, I guess, which isn’t true but w/e), which gets This Bitch to stop crying immediately and just nod in this self-righteous, all-knowing way.

LeeAnne thunders in and hurls her clutch across the room, snapping her wrist and breaking a window in the process. She sits down in a huff and crosses her legs wide, leaning back and shoving a pack of chew in her mouth. “She had to prove that she was right,” LeeAnne says, shaking her head somberly and spitting into an empty bottle of Mountain Dew (Denmark doesn’t have spittoons, you see).

“LET HER BE RIGHT ALL SHE WANTS, BECAUSE I COULD CARE LESS,” This Bitch wails, turning on her fake ugly tears all over again.

oops, wrong screenshot again:

D’Andra then enters to “clear something up,” which is essentially to tell This Bitch that the only people talking about D’Andra and her jezebel ways must be her, because the most incriminating thing D’Andra has ever done (besides her entire wardrobe) was the K-Cup butt trick, which was only seen by This Bitch and a couple other women who are normal people that don’t give a shit about it. “Of course I told my mother-in-law about your butt dart trick, she’s my best friend!” This Bitch howls, acting as if The Butt Dart Trick is a secret sin that will come back to haunt all the ladies at Crystal Lake next summer.

This argument and face and context represent a real nice hill to die on, so good for This Bitch.

Behind D’Andra on the couch, LeeAnne starts barking in support, saying shit like of course people are gunna talk! and yes D’Andra you are bringing This Bitch’s archaic and crusty mother-in-law into it and then finally D’Andra snaps. She spins around and tells LeeAnne to “shut up” and “stay out of it,” which then means, of course, that this happens:

“You’re responsible for yourself and your actions no matter how much people push your buttons. You can control yourself and you can maintain civility and you can express yourself without elevating.”
– LeeAnne Locken, Five Minutes Ago, 2018

LeeAnne’s prime operative is thrown into overdrive. Her eyes glaze over and are absorbed by red laser beams, boring into the soul of anything unlucky enough to be in its direct line of vision. Her body tenses for an eighth of a second, then goes rigid and frenetic all at once. She hops on top of the couch as her arm jolts into the curl of a punch. A bunch of words and sounds and horrible storms fly out of the hole where her mouth used to be. An unholy scream fills the room and no one knows from whence it comes, but really, when they think about it, it’s coming from them. It’s coming from the walls. It’s coming from inside the house. A swarm of flies buzz around the vents and blood pours from the cornices and a little old Victorian girl sits in a rocking chair in the corner, her throat slit and her eyes agape. “I told you she gets angry…” she rasps, clutching a tattered baby doll before she snaps its head off and rolls it toward your toes. It’s happening. It’s all happening.

And it happened too fast – there was no way to see it – but amidst all that gruesome evil, a spirit flew through, washing over that little room in Denmark, whispering verses and taking in the devil. LeeAnne suddenly sits down, her friends stroking her at an arm’s length and shushing her gently, like you would with a spooked horse. Whoa girl, whoa. Hey now. That’s a girl. Shh shh shhhhhh. It’s OK. It’s all gunna be OK. Cary offers LeeAnne some sugar cubes from her outstretched palm, and LeeAnne gums and gnaws at them, soaking Cary’s hand in mucous. She whinnies and shutters. Her eyes blink a few times and her irises click back up into place. Silver and serene and utterly unperturbed.

In her interviews, Cary blames D’Andra for setting LeeAnne and her demon off like that, because Cary is a useless, hypocritical agitator this season. LeeAnne swats a fly on her rump with her long horsey hair, then chuffs, and decides it’s time for bed. She slowly turns around to clop back into her stable and salt lick and nice warm bed of hey and that little slat in the wall that lets her look at the stars.

Brandi, being drunk and on another planet and thinking LeeAnne is literally a horse in real life, chases after her, leaning over the railing and saying BLAH BLAH BLAH! BLAH? Gee, she hopes the horse is OK! And then LeeAnne says that line that we heard over and over again in the trailers for this season: “I’m exhausted! My weave is exhausted! The panty liner on my underwear is exhausted!”

Basically, it’s LeeAnne’s way of saying that D’Andra needs to apologize and admit that she’s wrong for… something. I dunno. We’re down the Housewives rabbit hole at this point where everyone is indicted for just existing.

Stephanie comes over and gently cajoles Brandi, who is thoroughly enjoying this “show” of pretty horses baying at each other (it’s just like Medieval Times! Brandi claps), to get away from this dangerous beast and go to bed already. BLAH BLAH BLAH BED, Stephanie translates.

Brandi stays up for just a bit longer though – ooh, she’s so naughty! but we’re in another country so bed time doesn’t exist! – and watches LeeAnne and This Bitch trade spits about how D’Andra has LOST. HER MIND. Brandi tries to say something nice yet provocative like BEST FRIEND BLAH BLAH?, hoping the black stallion in front of her will do more tricks, but all the stallion does is say big words and then the room starts to spin and Brandi can’t feel her head and suddenly she realizes why all the grownups in her life make bedtime a hard rule.

is this what night feels like i don’t like it

The next morning we’re treated to the porn version of those old Muzzy commercials from the 90s.

This entire sexy course comes in four videos, two audio cassettes, the activity book, and the parent’s guide & answer book to have your children negotiating with hookers in FRENCH, SPANISH, ITALIAN AND GERMAN with incredible ease.

Stephanie gently burbles out to Brandi to check for any vital signs.

As Stephanie reasons: “I guess Brandi’s plan was executed perfectly in her mind, but nothing got accomplished, and now she’s throwing up fish.”

As we’re treated to the generous mic pick-up of Brandi’s liquid chunks hitting the toilet water, LeeAnne and This Bitch are looking just as worse for the wear.

… but they sure don’t feel it!, snickering about D’Andra’s “devil voice” over coffee.

whose body are we talking about here because that face

Brandi will be pronounced legally dead soon so you guys we gotta get more alcohol in her. She and Steph get in a van and ask the non-English-speaking driver to get them to the brewery and STEP ON IT.

You’re right in front of it, bar keep.

The very authentic Danish brewery gives them their first ever very Danish beer brewed there, the very Danish New York Lager. Brandi doesn’t give a shit about the gastronomical integrity (or lack thereof) about any of that and just monster growls GIVE ME MY MEDICINE.

She and Stephanie press the repeat button and the wasted cycle starts anew.

Cary shows up for a boring cooking lesson, which isn’t a total wash since it does involve a beer tasting and what looks like copious amounts of wine (side note: this is one of the most alcoholic Housewives vacations I’ve ever witnessed, and I watched the New York ladies go to Mexico). What is a wash, though, is that this poor cooking school set a table for like 20 people and was obviously prepared for the whole cast to show up, and what they got was D’Andra and Cary and no one else.

This Bitch and LeeAnne decide to go anywhere D’Andra is not, which is the brewery, conveniently forgetting that they’ve both also made a huge enemy out of Brandi, but hey, Bravo only pays for two group outings a day, so I guess this is it. This Bitch and her ugly ass coat walk into the brewery and gush “this is adorable!” which is what every brewery owner, or any business owner, wants to hear from a customer.

Anyway, it’s time for a split scene bitch-off, with each This Bitch/LeeAnne and D’Andra/Cary whining about people who aren’t in the room.

and Spiderman was there too

LeeAnne starts fake crying because she’s trying SO HARD not to be a homicidal maniac and D’Andra’s just a normal person who never has to worry about that sort of thing so gosh all of this is so UN. FAIR!!!!!

Stephanie tries to get Brandi to rally to LeeAnne’s side and Brandi remains hilariously silent (because she’s drunk again, of course, and also she hates LeeAnne like every child her age would):

Because she’s the only adult in this fight, D’Andra actually admits fault, taking blame for flying off the handle last night but blaming her outburst on the gang mentality that This Bitch and Lee Anne have created. Her self-actualization is cut short when Gray and Noona (the funnest-named person in the world) bring out these dusty turds for Cary and D’Andra to enjoy:

FRØSNAPPERS????
MY LEAST FAVØRITE

If it has a in the name, that’s probably a sign that you shouldn’t eat it.

That night, Brandi and Stephanie call their respective families who try to get off the phone with them as quickly as possible.

Everyone eventually heads out the door, and LeeAnne, what are you wearing.

>LeeAnne, what are you SAYING.

LeeAnne is basically a Christopher Nolan version of the Joker. I’m scared. And yet somehow, hers is not the worst outfit of the evening:

(This Bitch is wearing a Hee-Haw pink skirt and D’Andra is wearing an all-red jumpsuit with fanny pack lest her boobs fall off her body; let that sink in)

I don’t know why Bravo tracks these arrival shots like they’re so glamorous when all these clothes are so deeply awful. I mean This Bitch was so excited about her leather jacket and she decided to pair it with a pink peasant skirt. These women are fashion brain dead.

Anyway, the girls all head in and Cary’s all nervous to meet her weird granola hergen hoogle side of the family but it turns out fine. They’re all weird and they wear straw for sweaters and comb their hair with their feet, but they’re super nice and accepting of these absolute mongrels from the other side of the ocean.

They also have a super cute baby who’s already cooler than I’ve tried to be in my 32 years on earth:

I want Olivia to be my best friend, what is she wearing

Camilla and Johan start playing and all the ladies try to pretend they’re subversive and *with it* and enjoying all this indie crap (especially – you guessed it – This Bitch).

Sorry This Bitch, but dating a guy who watched Mystery Theater 3000 for 10 minutes when he was high doesn’t count as “artsy.”
But just like, keep moving your hands like that.
Like, cool.

Cary reiterates that Camilla is like the Danish Tiffany, selling out every gosh darn mall in Roskilde, but I’m not really buying what this teeny bopper is selling. I mean this “album release party” was held in the back room of a Radio Shack with bed sheets draped over the doorway and no bar to speak of.

But whatever, Cary feels validated and connected to someone she hasn’t seen or spoken to in 30 years and everyone got KEWL records they can frame or forget about so I guess this whole expensive cast trip for Bravo must have been worth the $500 grand.

Back at the hotel, the girls finally get down to something they’ve been waiting to do this whole trip, which is drink more alcohol:

Everyone says some fluffy bullshit about Cary’s family and how they’ve all personally “come a long way,” and then Brandi decides to bite the bullet and take LeeAnne to task for telling Mama Dee that Brandi was an alcoholic. I guess she realizes that being (halfway) sober and straightforward is a better tack than say, trying to poison herself to death in an effort to own the libs. El oh el.

LeeAnne bold faced lies and swears that she doesn’t remember calling Brandi an alcoholic. Enter both Bravo’s Discount Doublecheck© Replay Cam and Cary’s recollection that LeeAnne said the same thing AGAIN at This Bitch’s pop-up party©:

LeeAnne confesses that every time she’s seen Brandi lately, Brandi’s been drinking, conveniently forgetting that Housewives are legally forbidden from stepping foot in any establishment without a wet bar. This Bitch helpfully chimes in with the incontrovertibly false assertion that LeeAnne never called Brandi an alcoholic because “that’s a really big word.”

Again, here’s LeeAnne, speaking literally about Brandi:

In her interviews, Cary admits that This Bitch was standing RIGHT NEXT to LeeAnne when LeeAnne called Brandi an alcoholic, and that makes This Bitch “a pussy” for lying for LeeAnne, and I guess that makes Cary not a pussy for sitting through this entire conversation and not saying a word to defend her friend Brandi?

good job Women Everywhere

Brandi starts tearing up, her voice breaking, and tells LeeAnne that those sort of accusations could ruin her chances of adopting Bruin. LeeAnne “truly apologizes,” in her not-so-truly LeeAnne way, and wonders in her interviews how her speculation about Brandi’s alcoholism could reach an adoption agency in Dallas.

Gee, I dunno, but maybe it’s because you’re all national celebrities with a cable reality show? Or maybe it’s through the same salacious grape vine that you’re swearing is real and with which you’re threatening D’Andra? Just spitballing here.

Ugh, and then This Bitch gets up to hug Brandi like she’s not half the source of this issue because This Bitch is SO THIS BITCH. This Bitch!!!!!

get your ugly Jimmy Choo sparkly hands off her you GOON

Brandi admits directly to LeeAnne that the alcoholism rumor is triggering, because when she and Brian were having marital and family issues she was “drinking a bottle of wine a night.”

And guys, I know this is supposed to be sad and brave and all, but a bottle of wine a night? That’s four generous units of alcohol. Every night? Sure, not what the doctor ordered, but like, not a reason to spin out and label yourself as an addict. Right? Right? RIGHT???!

OK, whatever, I’m an alcoholic. Let’s unpack that in a different recap, which I’ll write for my therapist. But still! I don’t think the fact that Brandi had FOUR GLASSES OF WINE per night when her MARRIAGE WAS IN SHAMBLES and she was basically A SINGLE MOTHER is reason for her to flagellate herself and kvetch about the idea that her NEW BABY is going to be TORN FROM HER ARMS. And fuck LeeAnne for letting that mental seed grow.

LeeAnne, meanwhile, says the most awful, incorrect, deluded thing I’ve ever heard in a Housewives interview [emphasis mine]: “I don’t think Brandi is sophisticated enough to be an alcoholic. I think alcoholics are sophisticated because they can hide their alcoholism. I think Brandi’s just a drunk.”

How…? Sophisti… huh? “Just a drunk”? How is anything in what you just said better than the damning alcoholism rumors you started about Brandi better? What is going on? Who’s burning toast?

I need a drink. I need to settle down. I need to remember that these Housewives all speak in different languages, not only to us, but to each other. They can’t help it; it was only a symptom of their project. A grand design, commissioned for the great purpose of rising above and achieving moral acceptance. These Housewives are the product of a pious and huddled crowd, teeming together after an almighty Flood and conceiving of an awesome Tower – one that would strike fear and admiration around the world, one that would scrape the very clouds and creep into the strata we can’t see. One that would touch, so brazenly, the finger of God himself.

But God himself had another plan, a blueprint to scatter the Housewives this way and that, dispersing them off into a cruel and unforgiving world, because God himself is not to be made company of these mere mortals, ambitious though they are.

God watched in delight as they embarked on their glorious enterprise, as they prayed and sang and organized at a bustling metropolis in the sand they called Babel. They built a foundation. It was flimsy and weak, for it was hope that it was built on, and not study. And on top of the shaky foundation they built an unstable story. And on top of that, an ostentatious wing, and on top of that wing, a new atrium. With each new level, they strayed further from the fold, but gained experience, pain, empathy. They bled and sweat and cried, their Tower imbued with the essence of the women who tried to realize it. They built and built and built, until eventually they no longer knew where they were going. Up, of course, to enlightenment. But how, in the end? Where was the top? What was the peak of a building erected to know the known? It was a question they couldn’t answer, and so, the Housewives gave up. They rappelled back down to earth, back to what they knew.

And when they got there, the world was a different place, filled with other Housewives with wholly different experiences – better experiences, more heartbreaking experiences. And what was worse: those Housewives spoke a different language. They’d tried things different ways. They’d conquered obstacles in manners of which we had never dreamed. They were terrifying. But the commonality, everyone realized, was the difference. It was the singularity in each of them. Some tried to build the Tower with brick and mortar, and some tried to build it with iron and brawn. Some tried to build it with goblets and shot glasses, fueled on nothing but a sip and a giggle. But regardless of the means, they were all just trying to get to Heaven. They were all just trying to climb. And what God eventually realized, laughing up there in the clouds, was that his Housewives had actually built something better. There in the desert, in the heat and the noise and the filth, they had given birth to Babylon.

Next week: More fun!

More alcoholism!

New naked stuff! (sorry)

… and sex, lies, and back-of-the-bus video tape:

See you next week, Motherfuckers!

Greetings!! Happy pre-Thanksgiving week! Well, I guess next week will STILL technically be pre-Thanksgiving week…. Whatever. Hope everyone is doing great and having fun, and if you had your eyes done- don’t cry, for heavens sake.

Or if your friend has had their eyes done… don’t make them cry! Yeah, Gina- are you listening?!!??!

Y’all, how terrible are these California wildfires? It’s so devastating and sad. And you know Vicki is sitting there saying “Yah, well, this is why you have insurance. And a job. Get a job. And buy insurance from me. Wait…what if Vicki set the fire to make a point??

No, No, MisRed is REFUSING to go there.

But what if she did?

TMI, as always.

Anyway… where were we? Vicki had her 100^th plastic surgery procedure. Like the 100^th Housewife. Remember when they made a huge deal about Piggy being the 100^th Housewife? Ugh, and she was a total dud. Maybe she should have had Piggy surgically attached to her face. It couldn’t make her look worse, am I right? It might have made Piggy more exciting as well.

With the new eyes, can she still be blindsided?

Shannon had her eyes done, just in time for Gina to tell her what a bad friend Tamra is. Tamra lifted on both her sh*t-stirring cape AND her VICTIM cape… which is a little much on her small frame.

I will claw your eyes out, betch!

Tamra called Gina out for telling Shannon that Tamra has been talking about her. How does Tamra know Gina told Shannon? Well… it’s because Shannon told her. What else? Emily had another meltdown of her “fertility journey” and Turtle was just about as supportive as you might expect. The girls are “worried” about Shannon’s mental health.

The episode opens with Gina is packing. She needs to move stuff to her Casita. It looked pretty full last week, what else is she moving there? More inspirational signs? Gina really needs to enter some kind of “Crap Annonymous.” Either that or obtain a good gay friend who can set her on the path to good taste. Kelly stops by Gina’s house. Kelly is like “This is cute.” And by cute she means… tacky.

Gina’s Hot Mess Homestead

Gina thinks living part-time in the Casita (aka Studio, aka Tiny Sad Room) is a new chapter. Kelly sees a photo of Gina’s husband for the first time and is ready to hop on top of Gina’s leftovers.

Hmmm. She didn’t do the same with Shannon. Another reason for Shannon to be mad. Picture the reunion “And Kelly, how DARE you not want to hop on top of MY leftovers!! David. David! David? Is a VERY handsome satanic troll!! I’m blindsided.”

Tamra stops by Vicki’s to see how she can mock her for her latest surgery. She’s greeted by Steve the CC&FL.

The Crypt Keeper will see you now.

Cut to Vicki sitting on the couch waiting for someone to wait on her. Steve is like… Yeah, I tried to kill her, but she pulled through.

Tamra sits down with Vicki and says she’s annoyed… by Gina. Tamra tells Vicki the whole story; Gina told Shannon everything the girls were saying about her in Jamaica. Vicki doesn’t understand- she thought everyone was over Jamaica. Yeah, right. Did the surgeon remove a piece of Vicki’s brain?

Oh wait, Vicki doesn’t have a brain, forgive me, I forgot.

Brain or not, Shannon NEVER forgets ANYTHING.

Tamra says Gina shouldn’t just drop bombs on Shannon… because Tamra is not doing fake.

LOL. Yeah! Tamra doesn’t do fake… with her dyed hair and false eyelashes, and her facelift and fillers, botox, her warped floor, micro-bladed brows, gay husband (allegedly) and her fake boobs.

Tamra: Genuinely Fake.

Guys, Tamra is SO REAL.

Gina and Kelly discuss the Tamra / Shannon situation and how Shannon told Gina she was in a “custody situation” and needed to know what was being said about her. Gina’s reasoning for telling Shannon what all of the women said is Shannon ASKED.

Yeah, well… MisRed may ask you if she looks fat, but that doesn’t mean she wants to hear she’s fat.

Gina thinks Shannon was manipulating her. Great powers of observation there Gina. And in other news, water is wet.

Where am I?

Tamra tells Vicki about the confrontation with Gina and she, of course, portrays herself as the victim and in the best light possible. And Vicki sits there going “MmmHmm, MmmHmm.” I think Steve slipped Vicki a horse tranquilizer.

Tamra reveals she was STUNNED, because the conversation turned from Gina holding Tamra hostage and throwing her down a well and attempted to sell her into a Mexican Geriatric Sex Trafficking ring to Gina wanting to talk about her birthday party.

How dare this betch not dwell on how she hurt Tamra. How DARE SHE?!!?

Every year, Gina tells us, she wears sequins on her birthday. THAT’S her big tradition?

Vicki can’t go to Gina’s party. There are too many opportunities for accidents at Gina’s house. Falling Ross Dress for Less signs, street urchins under foot… plus Vicki could contract a case of the tackys at Gina’s house. A case of the tackys on top of the Vickis could be deadly, and the CDC hasn’t released the newest vaccination.

Emily, we learn, invited Tamra to her house for a cup-reading. Tamra is like… read the tag on my bra- that’s my cup, betch. Vicki shakes her head “No desire. VooDoo. No desire.”

I doo voo 4 times a day, if he’ll let me.

Oh shut-up Vicki. It’s fun. Vicki has no problem believing her parents are birds tapping out morse code on her office window but refuses to participate in a little reading of her tea leaves. Probably because Tamra’s psychic was the first one to say Brooks was faking cancer.

#JUSTICE

Vicki is on a painkiller. She is very subdued. Don’t get me wrong, MisRed can almost tolerate this version of Vicki. Oh, and I’ll have whatever she’s having.

Kelly and Gina arrive at her “casita” which Gina has decorated with tacky crap.

Gina’s Hot Mess Casita

Gina feels sad for her kids. MisRed does too. This is the crap they will inherit if Gina gets hit by a flying Vicki. But, it is kind of nice to have a housewife who can feel things. She still doesn’t know how to address the situation with her kids. She rehearses a couple of scenarios on Kelly and Kelly is like… Uh yeah, who cares.

Shannon goes to the Doctor for a post-op check-up. She doesn’t feel like she has full range of motion yet.

But when will I be able to do Ramona eyes?

The Doctor tells her she will soon be rolling her eyes again- this makes Shannon happy as she has a list of people who will be getting an eye-roll, the stink-eye, the evil-eye and judgy-eyes, so the sooner she is back to normal the better.

At Kelly’s house, Jolie is doing Kelly’s make-up. Kelly is getting ready to attend Jolie’s play. Jolie notes “It’s a PG Show so you shouldn’t be showing your boobs” as she whips open Kelly’s shirt. Jolie, forever the voice of reason. THANK YOU. Then Kelly asks her if she looks like a hooker and Jolie is like… Yes.

In Emily’s tank, she is preparing for the cup-reading party. Her kids are running around like lunatics and she, of course, is doing nothing to corral them. But yeah, let’s have another one. Emily has, previously, had her cup read and the reader told her she would have three children. So why is she pushing it trying to have four kids? If the cup reader said it… it is so.

Tamra arrives at Emily’s house. She isn’t sure if she believes in psychics. I mean, they exist. It’s not like, you know, the Easter Bunny or something. Wait… I hope I didn’t just spoil it. I should have said “Spoiler Alert: The Easter Bunny isn’t real, and you need to know because Tamra doesn’t DO FAKE.”

Gina arrives and, again, Tamra ices Gina. LOL. Tamra is the Queen of Bitch Mountain.

Staaaaahhhhppp, don’t be a Dorrrrrrrk!

Kelly arrives at Jolie’s school for her “performance” of Oliver.

Jolie wants some more.

She sees Michael and he compliments her on her hair, but doesn’t like how it’s covering her face. They have a cute little exchange which would have been enough for Vicki to order a new set of teeth and take out a life insurance policy had it been her. They sit together and enjoy the show and are a little touchy / feelie during the show. These two boned that night. MisRed would put her money on it

Going to poundtown in 3..2…1…

Parry, Emily’s Mother in law, arrives to the cup reading party.

Does she sleep in that pocketbook?

Gina compliments her on her “pocketbook.” Tamra thinks it’s strange to call Parry’s pocketbook a pocketbook. Nice that Tamra is focusing on the stuff that really matters and not delving into the trivial, isn’t it?

Emily and Gina begin to discuss the Shannon situation. Emily texted Shannon after her surgery to check on her, she wasn’t sure we would get a reply, but she did. Gina says she’s over Shannon. Well that was quick. She was just making out with her two episodes ago. Gina doesn’t like how Shannon can take the smallest bit of information and twist it and turn it into a huge deal.

Well that’s a personality trait required by a minimum of one member of every Housewives cast. For example:

Sprinkle Cookies

Nanny Kay

Slut Pig

Panty Gate

It’s about Tom

Faking Cancer

LOL

How can I throw these two big betches under the oncoming bus.

Gina says Tamra has never been a bad friend to her and that’s all she really cares about. Tamra interviews she has never known Shannon to be a liar, but she has also never known Gina to be a shit-stirrer, so she really doesn’t know what to do. What Tamra really means is she’s pissed these two women are trying to steal her role(s) on the show.

The cup reader arrives, and the girls gather round, and the reader looks at Tamra’s cup. She tells Tamra she has a lot going on in her life, she suggests Tamra may divorce. She moves onto Emily’s cup, she tells her she has a nice heart and nice life, and someone has done a lot for her and she needs to thank this person. And soon a bird will give her good news on the telephone. It’s probably Vicki’s dad… who has learned, as a bird, to make phone calls. Gina thinks it’s all bullshit.

Emily has done a good job preparing this reader.

The reader sees Gina “signing a paper.” Ground breaking. She asks Gina who in her life has a SH in her name? This person needs help.

This reader is the worst. She didn’t even mention Vicki’s Mahhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaammmmmm.

Gina is like- really?!?! Shannon is coming out of my tea leaves. Regardless- she already KNEW she was supposed to be helping Shannon. Yes, helping to slowly drive her to the asylum.

Gina tells the girls about her birthday party and – remember- they must wear sequins. Sounds like a party MisRed does not need to attend. Tamra is leaning toward NOT going to the party. I’m sure everyone will be devastated and will never recover.

I’m going to go outside to change my mind.

Gina is in her Casita getting ready. Her friend is there getting ready as well… but she has to get ready outside because the Casita is the size of a KCup. It seems Tamra HAS committed to joining the party. Phew! MisRed was so worried we wouldn’t get Tamra’s bad vibes at the party.

Crap. Another friend shows up. Gina is upset, for the first time in 11 years she isn’t getting a birthday card from her husband. Uh yeah, that’s what happened when you get divorced. Then Gina gets a text that her son got the game ball in his game, of course that upsets her, because she was AT the game, but didn’t stay for the whole thing because she had to go get hosed down in sequins.

Your kid will never remember today…

She FaceTimes the kid to congratulate him, but it leaves her in tears. Her friends try to cheer her up. Gina realized she’s going to miss monumental moments in her kids’ lives. If divorce were great for the kids… everybody would be doing it instead of just half.

This shirt goes with my new face. New and expensive, yet still looks like hell.

Over at Vicki’s house, she is dressed in “Homeless Chic” as MisRed likes to call it. A shirt that’s full of holes and probably cost $300. She’s trying to channel Dorit. I mean, she’s halfway there, she already is a twatwaffle and a scammer. She just needs the bloated douchey husband and she’ll be all set.

Your face is never going to get any better, Mom.

Michael shows up and is pissed off because Vicki didn’t tell him she was having surgery. She didn’t tell Briana either. I mean, in fairness, Vicki has plastic surgery the third Tuesday of every month, so you would think he’d be used to it by now. The reason she didn’t tell the kids is because they would have told her not to have the surgery.

You know what Vicki- f*ck you. You shouldn’t hide sh*t from your kids… or your Doctor. It’s just STUPID.

Three policies on Donn.
Someone wrap Donn in bubblewrap please.

Vick then drags out “the black box” which contains all of Vicki’s insurance information. She has life insurance on Donn, the kids, even Troy. OMG. This betch is too much. Seriously, nothing better happen to Donn. I do not need to have Vicki ruining my favorite show: Dateline.

Is Vicki a secret Black Widow in training? No matter who dies, she is collecting.

Vicki thought it was important to make sure her insurance policies were in order before her surgery. Don’t tell your kids, just keep your policies updated. She promises she won’t have any more elective surgeries.

And then in THE NEXT BREATH, in her interview, she says that if she needs to have something tweaked, she will. She doesn’t need her kids’ permission.

No, she doesn’t, but hello, for some reason they LOVE you and want you to be around. I mean, I don’t get it, but hey… it takes all kinds. Some women fall in love with serial killers. I don’t understand that either, but it happens.

Coming up: someone gets an enema.

Emily arrives at Social to set up Gina’s birthday party table. She has tablecloths and flowers and a cake. Everything. Jeez.

Pretty. But not enough wooden signs for Gina.

Back at Vicki’s she asks Steve CC&FL if she can have a drink- she needs to calm down. Why is she so amped up? Steve tells her the doctor said she shouldn’t have alcohol. But he hands her a Xanax.

Let me get you some strychnine.

With an antifreeze chaser…
Two can play the Life Insurance Game

Shannon is coming over and she hasn’t pooped since surgery and they need to help her.

I mean, what is their plan exactly? Look up the hole and call for it? This sounds like a job for Dr. Moon. He would just use Shannon like a trampoline until the poop shot out of her.

Kelly shows up at the restaurant for Gina’s party. She’s in a sequined top and rubber pants. Looks nice and cool. The other girls begin arrive. It’s a sequin sh*t show.

Sequins R Us was having a BOGO

Tamra hasn’t arrived. Gina says she never confirmed with her.

Well she should have because Tamra arrives at Vicki’s house, dressed as an old lady.

Cheater Brand

Well Tamra says she doesn’t do fake. Finally, we see the REAL Tamra.

Eddie, please glimpse your future.

Tamra made Vicki a casserole. Actually, two casseroles. Vicki is in her glory. “Finally, someone brought be a casserole when I’m sick!!”

Praise Jesus

Ok, A) you aren’t sick. You are recovering from ELECTIVE surgery. B) When you were demanding a casserole previously, you weren’t sick then either. You were licking your wounds from being duped by a con- man or participating in a con or Killing All Cancer or whatever. Stupid isn’t a sickness.

Expectations are the mother of disappointment.

Tamra also brought Vicki an enema.

Thought you might need some help getting your head out of your ass

Frankly, they are all full of sh*t so Tamra should have brought a multi-pack.

Oh look! She did!!

Then Tamra “realizes” she never called Gina to cancel. What a great friend. Gina FaceTimes Tamra and Tamra doesn’t answer.

What the actual F*ck?

Shannon shows up at Shady Pines and gets into her matching granny outfit.

Then Kelly texts Tamra to see where is she? Tamra is not sure what to do. She should be mortified- she has the worst manners.

Tamra decides to do am enema, so they go into the bathroom. Shannon is planning to assist. Ew.

Gina reveals Matt called her and tried to have phone sex with her for her birthday. Great. This is really the most logical divorce ever. Emily decides she’s going to throw a Femme Fatale party. Great. Who cares. Let’s see who Turtle throws out this time.

Here’s to dentures and soft food!!

Back at Vicki’s house, Tamra, Vicki and Shannon sit around eating casserole and they toast to Jesus. Kelly calls to see where the f*ck Tamra is?

Whoops.

Tamra answers and says that she forgot about Gina’s party. Uh huh.

Tamra didn’t care enough to ice me in person????

In the background the women at Gina’s party are making fun of them, saying they are playing bridge and putting on foot cream.

Here’s another example of Shannon HAVING FUN!!

Shannon says, seriously irritated, “They are making fun of you in the background!!” Wait, is she blindsided?

Gina thinks Tamra is acting like an asshole. She is. She always is.

The girls are like- Ok, go play bridge. After they hang up the call, Vicki says “I don’t want that life.” No, she would rather pee herself at Andale’s, eat street tacos and participate in a Donkey Show. Not that there is anything wrong with street tacos.

Tamra says she is happy she didn’t go to Gina’s.

Shannon, you were NEVER that girl.

Yeah, all that laughter was really depressing.

Hang on… Tamra gets out her paddle. Tamra says, at The Deck, Emily said Shannon’s behavior reminds her of her own mother- who has mental illness. Wait, now Shannon is blindsided. She really thinks Emily has no business diagnosing her.

Shannon says, “This is a person who, not once, but twice, threatened to KILL Kelly.” LOL. Oh Shannon. Shannon says Emily is an attorney and should understand that is unethical.

Which? Threatening to kill someone or accusing someone of being mentally ill?

Emily vows to throw a REALLY FUN party!!

Well that should be a nice change from all of your other parties.

Wait… next week is the Season Finale? Hmmm. Ok. Seems like an incredibly short, incredibly boring season.

Next week, Emily’s Mom comes for a visit- she got a furlough from the Funny Farm, apparently.

Oh, they let her out of the straight jacket.

Shannon says Emily and Gina are sh*t stirrers. Yeah, well, they fit right in. Emily has her Femme Fatale party.

OC or American Horror Story? Hard to tell.

Gina confronts Shannon and Shannon deflects onto Emily making a big deal of Emily “threatening” to kill Kelly for calling her husband a little bitch and a dork.

And here you forced me to wear my grandmother’s couch slipcover to your party!!!

Great. Can’t wait. I can’t wait in the same way I can’t wait to go to the Dentist and have my teeth drilled and filled without Novocain. This season has been a STRUGGLE.

What do you guys think? Who should get the boot for next season? I’d be down for a complete recast save Kelly and possibly Shannon if she got her sh*t together and stopped acting like a screaming banshee. Plus, we must have Archie.

whosagoodboy?!?!!?!

This week starts where last week stopped; is Porsha getting her engagement ring or a lifetime supply of Weenie Tots? Unfortunately, it was neither. Her boyfriend gifted her a Rolex that she can use 23/6, 265 weeks a year. Dennis knows that Porsha really wanted a ring so he distracts her by having a steak cooked in their poorly ventilated hotel room. I’m sure the guy is a legit “private chef” but I’m also sure that Dennis knows an Applebee’s cook who’d put on a fancy hat, throw green leaves next to a steak and call it gourmet for fifty bucks. Since the cast is talking to Porsha this season, she doesn’t have to pretend to be a vegan for a plot line anymore. She changes into an ultra tight dress reserved for eating only the most well done of God’s creatures but has to unzip it because the only thing that will be choking her out has to buy her dinner first.

We find out that Porsha’s mom hasn’t met Dennis yet although they’ve gone ring shopping on TV. That’s odd considering Miss Diane has made it no secret that she wants a son in law again; she misses eating pepperoni pizza on white sofas that she doesn’t have to clean. She also says that she doesn’t ask Dennis too many questions because she thinks that other women have done that in the past and that’s why they’re stuck at home instead of eating crispy cows and getting police auction Rolex watches.

Dennis had plans for them to go to the club but Porsha wants him to stay in the room and do sex stuff. She’s already gotten the Miami trip, a Rolex and meat products – this is when a good gold digger doesn’t bother to have sex anymore. I guess she really wanted that baby in her so we’re left to imagine them leaving a streak of meat sweats on the hotel sheets.

The next morning Dennis gives her a diamond cross necklace. I feel like he bought all of this stuff off of some guy in Times Square. He’s determined to bejewel her like she’s a 90’s rapper. She asks him to get her a toothbrush and an underarm shaver because Porsha. First, how did she bring five suitcases with the help of an assistant yet she neglected to bring a toothbrush? Second, have “shavers” always been marketed for specific body parts? Third, I thought rich people lasered their body hair? Fourth, when did this become the Porsha show? The first two episodes seem to be pure spite for Kenya not giving Bravo access to her relationship and wedding. Fifth, is it me or do they seem not that into each other? I feel like Porsha is practically winking at the camera during every scene with him. I think she wants a baby but won’t mind collecting some gifts along the way. Sixth, did they meet at a hot dog eating competition because he sure loves to feed her.

Anyway, Porsha asks for Dennis’s toothbrush because she is unbelievably gross! Ironically, this weekend my boyfriend and I were discussing how back in the Newlywed days Jessica Simpson thought daily tooth brushing was ridiculous. Now her philistine twin is leading the plaque parade. Like, why? Why?! We knew she was suspect when the matchmaker went to her house and it looked like a halfway house for wayward dolts but now this?! I’m starting to think that NeNe should have just burned that tie dye outfit Porsha tried on last week.

Dennis tries to avoid the toothbrush request by changing the subject but Porsha is persistent. She tries to steal it from him but he’s already hidden it. These are red flags – and possibly gums – people. Porsha decides to turn this into a real fight since she can’t get her way. She questions where Dennis went last night for several hours. He said that he went to the club with his friend. She’s upset that he came back drunk and late which ironically will be the order in which she gets pregnant. She drops the fight when she realizes that he doesn’t care what she says because he wears the sperm in this relationship. Also, Dennis’ role in this relationship appears to be “life coach”. He’s always telling her that they’re running late and making her sit down to eat. It’s like some kind of pre-school, drill sergeant role play. Also, I’d love a man who could get me everywhere on time and then just feed me the rest of the day. I’m officially on the Dennis train.

Meanwhile, NeNe is getting her Miami shop ready for her opening and Gregg is there because he’s managing the comedy show. She says that she’s a serial entrepreneur but doesn’t like to tell people what she’s doing. That’s a solid marketing strategy.

Porsha calls NeNe and says that she may surprise her with Dennis. We are reminded that NeNe hates surprises. Remember how angry she got at the IRS for that whole “surprise, you owe us money” bit? The rest of the women have made their way to Miami and Marlo is annoyed that her room is so small. Eva must be gearing up for a fight with Marlo this season because she keeps commenting on how “extra” she is. If by “extra” Eva means “a scammer who is capable of murder”, Eva is right on the money. Marlo proceeds to dupe the bellhop into helping her steal Porsha’s huge suite. Take notes people – always have an accomplice.

The women all meet backstage at NeNe’s show. Porsha walks in first and then the others join her. NeNe is genuinely surprised. They all talk to Gregg who’s job is to basically make the audience cry every episode. The comedy show starts and even the comics backstage are crying over Gregg. NeNe says that everyone loves Gregg even if they hate her. I hope Gregg has supervision because she might try to Misery his ass if he gets too much attention.

After the show, the women go to a rooftop but this year Porsha isn’t crying due to lack of dairy consumption, Marlo isn’t wearing cat ears that she ripped off an endangered species and NeNe has selected an argument proof wig. Marlo and Porsha bury the hatchet and Kandi extends an olive branch by warning Porsha not to move too fast with her boyfriend. Kandi knows who Porsha is dating but doesn’t reveal the info to the group. She’ll let this one unfold naturally like Marlo’s legs at the Republican National Convention. Porsha brings up the toothbrush sharing incident and Kandi realizes that her advice is too little, too late. Once you share cavity cooties, that man has got you wrapped around his little hot dog.

They go to their rooms. Porsha and Marlo have a laugh at the room switch situation but Porsha makes it clear that she does not negotiate with terrorists and will keep her suite. NeNe says that Marlo is used to the projects so the small room shouldn’t be an issue for her. The projects? I think NeNe mispronounced jail cell.

The next morning Porsha wakes up in her bed but is surrounded by Marlo’s assortment of Gucci flip flops and Versace pants. Naturally, nasty Porsha puts all of this on and seems to strongly consider using Marlo’s electric toothbrush. Ain’t no party like a Sonicare party cuz a Sonicare party don’t stop – until Dennis hides it.

Marlo has somehow commandeered a portion of Porsha’s suite with her glam squad but Porsha has already made up for the invasion by stretching Marlo’s pants to infinity and beyond. When Porsha was heading out the night before, her elevator had to stop in Marlo’s room so they ended up partying together. Marlo got to meet Dennis and likes his money. They agree to have a fresh start in their friendship and have fun until production tells them otherwise.

Next, the women go to the boutique opening. They complain for the entire two block walk but I understand the sheer horror of walking for more than 12 seconds in the heat and humidity of Florida in heels no less. My thoughts and prayers are with the cast. At the boutique, there’s a big crowd of what I assume are “Instagram humans” who are a step above “Twitter people”. Gregg is there but has to go outside eventually to regroup. All of the women gather around to help him cool down and rest. NeNe encourages him to tell some silly jokes and they all humor him for a while. And just like that, Gregg has met his ‘make everyone at home cry’ quota for the week. I really hope he beats this especially because housewife husbands seem to get the short end of the stick when it comes to health.

Next week, Kandi introduces the new girl and her hubby and it seems to backfire. NeNe and Gregg visit a doctor and Porsha shows her mom all of the white couches they can eat meat on in Dennis’ house. What’d you think? Love you for reading and commenting!

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