Skul, Trashies! And welcome back to Copenhagen for the contentious end to Dallas’ cast trip! We’re nearing the end of the season – the Reunion has already taped! – which means everything and everyone is in a flurry to get things done, to tie up loose ends, to get the horse back in the barn and batten down the hatches.

So unfortunately, that includes me, who has to attend a wedding 400 miles away tomorrow, and who has not the time to recap this properly, which means this will be a very abbreviated recap. The good news is, not much happened this episode except for…

Fucking Brandi. The harried pace has also caught up to and include Brandi, who spent this week snarling at LeeAnne like a peppy deluded ghost-haunted teenager, like the love child of Howard Hughes mixed with the top of a cheerleaders’ pyramid. Good god, was Brandi psychotic this episode.

First, the girls all decide what to do on the third day of the trip: cycling or boating. Cliques have formed in earnest at this point, so Cary – who by the way OWNS Denmark and thus has legislative jurisdiction over what its citizens and foreign visitors can or can’t do there – dictates that LeeAnne/This Bitch and Stephanie/Brandi must split up. LeeAnne calls shotgun on the outing at which she can drink, which is boating. Brandi jokingly whines that she can’t watch LeeAnne on a bike and look like “the Wicked Witch.”

Which, yes, is an obvious but uninspired joke, and wholly unnecessary at 7:30 in the morning and without provocation, unless you count LeeAnne not calling Brandi an alcoholic when Brandi’s been proactively and purposefully acting like an alcoholic this entire trip “provocation.”

So whatever, the girls all do their chintzy Ugly Americans in Copenhagen stuff, and since LeeAnne and D’Andra are on a boat with Stephanie, aided by her “calming” presence and shit loads of schnapps, they make up. There was some stuff with trampolines and the camera crew orchestrated everything to have the girls meet up “coincidentally” there and then go back to the hotel and I’m insulted.

Also, Cary used to date Lance Armstrong and I can totally see how that relationship kind of gelled?

At the hotel, the ladies all try to blend in with the locals by donning dirndls that Cary brought and they all skip on over to Trivoli, Copenhagen’s (and the world’s first, allegedly) carnival. LeeAnne gets all misty eyed because it reminds her of home, the greasy and hastily put-together portable death traps, the smell of hypertension wafting through the fryers, the comforting tone of toothless men hitting on her. Ah, home, she breathes, marveling at how something so distant – separated by a great big salty powerful ocean – can ring so familiar to her. Quel romance!

The sweeping nostalgia of it all puts her in a soft mood, so she apologizes to Brandi. Brandi, in turn, opens her mouth and a swarm of angry bees fly out along with some angry curse words, so I guess she’s not over it?

The next morning, the girls all head out to the coast to meet Cary’s family, a whimsical batch of scarecrows that stand out in a field and ask people riddles in that backwards language the little person on Twin Peaks speak. Aside from This Bitch’s visibly abhorrent pink vest, everyone is very cordial and they all sit to a lunch of pickled herring (which LeeAnne and Stephanie rudely and very obviously wretch over) and SHIT TONS OF ALCOHOL. Also, Mark surprised Cary at the house with Zuri and honestly it was so sweet that my tiny green heart grew three sizes that day, all the way up on Mount Crumpit, where I drink boxed wine with my sweet little dog and plot to steal fidget spinners from tiny children on Christmas Day.

Because it is good luck in Narnia, or wherever the fuck Copenhagen’s supposed to be (Germany? South Africa? A tiny snowflake floating through a Dr. Seuss novel?), the girls all take a skinny dip in the Baltic Ocean. We see the famous “Deuber Dick” that got sucked off at the round-up and I zoomed in at frame 703 and wouldn’t ya know it? There’s a small inscription that says “Simon wuz here.” I wonder how Simon is. I wonder how his kids are. I wonder so much about that poor adventurous wanderer.

Brandi gets all snizzed because LeeAnne, despite being told not to by the Whos in Whoville, is filming everything. She thinks that LeeAnne is keeping video footage of her totally artificial bewbs in Lake CopenSchmoofen to show the adoption agencies in Dallas and have Little Baby Brackle torn away from Brandi forever. This Bitch chimes in as the unlikely voice of reason, reminding us that Brandi is on a REALITY SHOW and got naked in front of AN ENTIRE FUCKING FILM CREW.

Leave it to the most obvious, delirious one of the bunch to pull us back to our senses, ya know? Brandi rails and rails throughout the rest of the episode, including at a fancy dinner, forgetting entirely what she signed up for. Oblivious to the fact that this is what we recruited these ladies for: to be in front of a lens, to bare their most intimate parts, to get naked and shameless. I hate to break it to you Brandi, but you’re a pawn. A tool. A sumptuous piece of flesh, offered up to us on a silver platter. You’re young and stupid and desperate, and you’re selling the only thing you know for a fact people will buy: your soft heat, your buttery body, but more than anything, your desire to please. Like countless women before you, you’re not a person. You’re just a girl on film. And we’ll watch you, drooling and drinking, licking our chops, never mind where our hands should stray. Keep shaking it, sweetheart.

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Knock Knock mother*cker… time to wake up, Season 13 is over.

Are you blindsided?  Is it because you have too much on your plate? Are you all about the thrills and not the bills?  Did you just rent a casita?  Are you a lawyer?  Did you just have your 210^th plastic surgery procedure? Are your floors warped?  Well, whatever your excuse, get ready to be thrilled bored, because this betch is sliding into home plate.

Previously this season… Vicki has tried every Lucy-style method to try to get Steve the Crooked Cop and Faux Latino to marry her or to, at least say he’s happy he met her.

That might be an exaggeration…

Yeah, well, maybe if he didn’t hate you, Vicki, he would marry you.   Eddie has AFib.  It’s probably self-inflicted.  He’d rather roll the dice on a good old-fashioned heart attack than to spend one more day with Tammy Sue.  Shannon is getting divorced and has cream cheese oozing out of her salmon.  Kelly got divorced and is playing hide the sausage all over town.  Gina is getting a divorce and is living in a tiny, sad, gaudily decorated room.  Emily should get a divorce and have the Turtle return to the sea.  There, we are all caught up.

Seriously, Shannon has been the focus of the season with her erratic, but completely typical for Shannon, behavior. She’s been painted as aa alcoholic and a crazy person, so yeah, this season has been great.

We open with Emily,  she is reviewing the set-up for her Femme Fatale party with her sister-in-law the She-Turtle.  No clue what her actual name is, and at this point, why bother learning?

Honey, no.

Emily has, apparently, been in Vicki’s closet because she is wearing a dress that is, um, not a great choice.  She’s planning the Femme Fatale party for Mother’s Day.  Makes sense.

We move to Gina’s house, the full-size hot mess, not the pint-size hot mess she rents on the weekends- and she is cutting old food out of her daughter’s polyester bear skin rug.  Delicious.

Why do we have kids on this show again?
Gina’s Mom, Penny Marshall, is visiting.  Gina says she can come to Emily’s party, but she should know it’s a Femme Fatale party.

Shirley has a date with the Big Ragu and I have to cover her shift. 

Making our dreams come true. 

Over at Vicki’s house, she says to Steve the CC, “Look at the flowers I got from Michael and Briana and you on Mother’s Day.”  Clearly, she has bought and sent these to herself.

Flowers obviously bought on the freeway off-ramp.

Why would Steve need to look at the flowers he supposedly bought her?

She is about to have the scaffolding removed from her face.  She asks Steve if he thinks “anyone will notice I had a tweaking?  I don’t want to look any different.”

Oh Vicki.  Do you listen to the nonsense that comes out of your mouth?

Vicki says “It’s like I had a tire change.”  Steve is like… Huh?   Vicki says “That didn’t make sense. Ignore that.”  Vicki is so stupid.

Who’sagoodboy?!?!

ARCHIE!!!!!!  Thank god.  I knew there was a reason I tuned into this episode!!!  Archie is outside playing with Shannon’s kids while Shannon cooks up some burgers inside.  She is expecting a lot of people to eat these burgers, that is, if the number of forks she has on the counter is any indication of the number of eaters.

No thanks, I’ll just have a nacho. 

Seriously, I think I count 20 forks.

A business built on connections…with a dollop of cream cheese.

Shannon calls the girls in to try the burgers.  She interviews “I’ve never built my own business before, and to be able to have the opportunity to start something at this age of my life and create something that’s successful.  I mean, there’s not a bigger confidence booster out there.  And all of that is going to create complete financial independence for me, and I don’t have to rely on any ex-husband.”

Um… yeah.  Let’s get one thing straight… Shannon hasn’t exactly built this business.  Yes, she has to make sure the sh*t tastes good, but let’s just say, if MisRed wanted to start a food line on QVC, it would be approximately 5,000 times more difficult.  And MisRed actually HAS some connections at QVC so for the average Joe Schmoe to do it would be nearly impossible.  So, okay Shannon, you can give yourself a soft pat on the back, but let’s talk in five years and see if you have achieved complete financial independence.

GIVE HIM A BURGER!!!!

The girls like their burgers.  No word on how Archie feels, but somebody better give him a burger.  Especially considering all he’s been through this season.

Then, um, out of the blue, Sophie tells Shannon she thinks she needs to go on birth control for my “cramps.”

Which is code for, I want to bone my boyfriend without ruining my future with a bun in the oven. Well, at least someone is using Tammy Sue as a “cautionary whale.”  (I love that line from Juno… I’ve been looking for an opportunity to use it.  So, I shoe-horned it in here.)

Just because all of your friends are WHORES doesn’t mean YOU are going to be a whore!!

She says she wants to go on it for her acne and her cramps.  The other two kids are cracking up, and I’m sure Sophie will shank them later.  But Shannon is NOT READY to talk about Sophie being on birth control.  Sophie says all her friends are on birth control.  LOL. Well THAT’S a good reason.

Maybe they can get a BOGO- and get David’s new penis holster on the pill as well.  Oh wait, I forgot, she is probably looking to lock him down.

Shouldn’t Shannon be talking about this kind of thing to her privately?  I bet Mandy Cohen slipped Sophie a few hundees to bring it up on camera.

Emily heads over to “Wicked Chamber.”  Emily explains to the sales person she is having a Femme Fatale party.

You better make sure you like that rubber suit… no refunds.

Whoa, the Wicked Chamber has some very CLEAR rules- NO REFUNDS or EXCHANGES and Y’all, they reserve the right to refuse service to anyone, so don’t push your luck.  Kelly and Tamra show up to join.  My god Emily looks gigantic in this scene, she’s like 8 feet taller than Kelly.

This is where they are going to get stuff for a Femme Fatale party?  This is a sex shop- whips, chains, ball-gags, etc.

Emily explains “Femme Fatale is like a very confident seductress.” Uh, yeah, ok, partially that’s the definition, but there is a CRITICAL piece missing.

Per Miriam Webster….

Kelly declares “I want to look like a ho.”  Well, why should today be any different?

Tammy Sue is confused about the purpose for the party.  Emily says, “It’s about celebrating women, and moms and mothers and like, for my mother-in-law” and all the men’s lives they have ruined.  Okay, MisRed added that last part.

Emily says “The Femme Fatale empowers and inspires women and every single women out there has that femme fatale inside hat just wants to come out.”  Come out and ruin a man’s life.

WTF.  A) Betch needs a dictionary.  And B) This is the dumbest theme for a party, especially one on Mother’s Day. And C) Does this empower women?

And why do women turn any costume party into the opportunity to dress like a Hooker?  Halloween- every costume is slutty.  Slutty Nurse.  Slutty Vampire.  Slutty Mouse.  Slutty Nun.  You rarely see a Slutty Baby, so I think we have some REAL opportunities here, but MisRed digresses.

A Femme Fatale party could be an AWESOME theme.

THIS is Femme Fatale

Everyone could have dressed old-hollywood glam… and there could be ruined men lying all around.  Like Ryan.  And Simon.  And Michael.  And Vicki’s first husband.  And Matt Keough if he’s not in jail.  And Frank Curtain.  And Slade.  And Duff.  And Koko- no ball in house KoKo.   And any man who came within 25 feet of Quinn Fry’s Venus-Fly-Trap-Snatch.

They start trying stuff on.  They are clearly confused about the theme.

This is NOT Femme Fatale.

Kelly is like- I’ll just get a ball gag and call it a day.  Oh wait, she has a full selection at home.  Seriously, Kelly tells us she is “a frequent member of this place.”

This is weird.

Emily, grabbing her boobs, says “Hey, I didn’t tell you my Mom is coming.”  She has never met Emily’s sons and she hasn’t been in California for 5 years.  She explains the mother has been in a dark depression for a long time.

Gina calls Emily, looking to talk to Tamra, she thinks they need to talk about Tamra missing Gina’s birthday.  Tamra is wearing an Aviva Drescher mask while this conversation is taking place.

What did Aviva ever do to MisRed?  She exists.  That’s enough.

Tamra plans to come by “the casita.”

Ugh.  Every time I hear the word casita… I want to kick myself in the d*ck.

Tamra agrees to go to the casita. <kick> She interviews that she’s not just mad at Gina, but she’s “kind of hurt.”  She didn’t think Gina was the type of person to run to Shannon to talk crap about her.  Yeah, I mean, talking crap is usually Tamra’s job.

Tamra is willing to work things out but she really needs to understand why Gina was doing this.  Ugh.  Tamra is the worst.  Why did Tamra bad mouth everyone in a 500-mile radius?  That’s what I want to know.

Gina asks Tamra to help Emily pick a whip for Gina.  Another one who is super-clear on the party theme.

Some time later, Tamra arrives at Gina’s casita.

Cozy is code for small and sad.

Ugh.  <kick>  “Welcome to my casita.” <kick>. The word casita is mentioned 3 more times.

They get right into it.  Gina says she was really hurt Tamra didn’t come to her birthday dinner because it was “my 34^th birthday” which, as you know, is a HUGE milestone, “and it was the first time in 11 years that I haven’t celebrated with my husband.”  And somehow having Tamra there is supposed to make that better?  It won’t.  Trust me.

Tamra says “I know. Sorry.”  Which absolutely ZERO genuineness or actual contriteness.  She says she really opened up to Gina about Shannon and it’s the first time she’s ever opened up to anyone about the “sh*t that I’m dealing with.”

Yeah, that’s not true. 100% not true.  Let’s see to whom Tamra has opened up about Shannon:

Eddie
Ryan
Vicki
Her Mom
Kelly
Emily
Shannon herself
The Twitter Universe
Andy CohenAnd you KNOW she has called Lynn Curtain and Piggy and Meghan King Edmonds.  Hell, she probably even called Jesus Juggs.

Tammy Knickerbocker probably got a call as well.
Jeanna Keough got a cyst and decease letter about it.
Rumor has it Doug’s de-tached balls even got a call.

Tamra goes on to say Shannon told her Gina was going around telling everyone that Shannon is “mental.”

I’m pretty sure I saw an ad in the LA Times and in WWD.

Gina rolls her eyes and says she never said that.  We flashback to Gina telling Shannon “That day you weren’t around, there was a lot of talk about your mental health.”  Gina says Shannon is telling Tamra blatant lies and she skews the truth.  Actually, Gina says “her truth is a little skewed.”

MisRed hates the worth “truth” with a preceding pronoun and is refusing to acknowledge the statement. MisRed blames Oprah, know that.

Tamra says she has never known Shannon to be a liar, but she does exaggerate. Which is, kind of, the same thing.

Ok, you wanna play ball?  Let’s play.

Gina says if she REALLY wanted to f*ck Tamra over, she could have told Shannon the REALLY bad stuff Tamra has said about Shannon.

Oh. Dear. God.  Here we go.

“You complain you are fat for three years and then do not lose weight.”

And Gina has the receipts.  

We flash back to Tamra saying this to Gina.  Not for nothing… Shannon HAS lost weight, so, kindly, f*ck, all the way, off Tamra.

And “You support her on QVC even though you don’t really believe in microwavable meals.”

Gina has ALL the receipts.  Even the carbon copies.

Flash to Tamra saying she supports Shannon’s business venture even though she doesn’t really believe in “frozen, healthy food.”  LOL, Like it’s Santa Claus.  She doesn’t believe in it, betch.

It oozes right out of the middle…

Maybe someone needs to write a holiday story about the miracle of the frozen, healthy microwavable meal.  The Cream Cheese Stuffed Salmon in a little manger… surrounded by the Tres Amigas… and then the Angel of Groundhog Day shows up an there will be six more weeks of Hanukah.

Listen, I don’t necessarily love microwavable food either, but do I want some herb cream cheese oozing out of my salmon?  Yes.  Yes, I do.

And pass one over for Archie too! 

Gina says she understands why Tamra was frustrated with Shannon- she felt like Shannon wasn’t pulling her weight in the Tamra / Shannon Friendship.  And that’s why she would NEVER have repeated the REALLY sh*tty things Tamra said about Shannon.

Tamra’s like – Yeah, betch, if she wasn’t so fat, she could have easily pulled her weight.  Just kidding.

LOL. Well, there’s no way Shannon will ever know about those things now.  Oh, wait…

Gina says she didn’t intend to cause an issue, even though it did.  Tamra says she believes Gina.  So, net/net, they hug it out and Tamra says they are fine.

Translation:  You have too sh*t on me, I’m going to shut up.

Gina interviews “I’m just going to say, ‘Shannon, this one backfired on you.’”

Um, and MisRed predicts we will see Shannon backfiring ALL OVER GINA’S ASS at the reunion.  Maybe Tamra too.  And possibly Kelly too.  We shall see.

Emily goes to pick her mother, Carolyn, up at the airport.

I love how Amazon can’t even be bothered to double-check the episode description.

Whoops.

Emily says her mother is “on a high” but there is always the possibility of “a low” again.  Emily wants to keep her expectations low for their relationship as she doesn’t want to get hurt.  Maybe she should do the same in her relationship with The Turtle.  Just a thought.

The mother was there the day Emily’s sons were born but hasn’t really spent any time with them since.  Emily lays it on thikc in the car.  This woman just got out of a deep depression- stop attacking her.

Welcome to our Tank.

They arrive back home, and Turtle is as excited as you might expect.  Turtle seems like he can’t stand anyone’s family but his own.  And he does not fake it.

Yay you are here… how soon are you leaving?

Turtle needs to address his sock game, it’s a felony in progress.

Bombas.  Look into it. 

Emily introduces her mom to Luke and Killer.  I’m glad the mother is there, maybe she can straighten these two little f*ckers out.  They discuss how the mother has lost a year of her life due to depression. Carolyn is apologetic but she’s also like… I cant’t really DO anything about it.   Emily interviews that you have certain expectations in a relationship with your family and if they don’t live up to that expectation, you can get angry.

Why does MisRed feel like we shouldn’t be seeing THIS on TV either? First Emily’s therapy session with Turtle, now this?!?!?  I understand these topics are important but address them on This is Us or some sh*t like that.  MisRed comes here to see how Tamra will, week after week, figure out a way to, accidentally, show us her tits and to see how Vicki’s face has re-melted into something new.  If MisRed wanted to FEEL THINGS she would, like, watch the news.

Emily immediately informs her mom that she will be gone most of the following day setting up for her party.  Her mom is planning on attending the party. “Yeah, I packed my rubber suit and my bull whip.”  Uh oh, she’s confused on the theme as well.  Rut Roh.

The Femme Fatale party is being held at Pary’s house.  Upstairs, she and the She-Turtle are lacing Emily into her dress.

Is it 18 inches yet, Mammy?

Would staples be easier?

Remember when Mammy laced Scarlett into her dress for The Femme Fatale Party at Twelve Oaks?

Now THIS was a Femme Fatale!!

Kelly is getting ready for the party and she is bringing a date.  His name is Alex.

Did Kelly pick him up on the playground?

Kelly explains she and Alex have been friends for a few years.  He’s a little younger than Kelly, but she decided after she got divorced, he was hot enough for her to date.  Kelly puts the final touches on her outfit with a black hat and a tacky lips necklace.

No.

Yes!

Gina prepares for the party at her house- her big house.  Her son is with her.  He asks if she’s going to “sleep in your little house?”

Even the kid throws shade at the Casita.

Gina is worried about how her son will handle the divorce news.  They haven’t told the kids yet.  I’m not a doctor, but don’t you think it might be time?  If the kid is already noticing that you are living elsewhere part-time he knows something is amiss.  Kids are smart. They don’t get dumb until they are teenagers.

Gina isn’t leaving the house in her Femme Fatale outfit, she doesn’t want her mother to see it, she’s embarrassed.  Well, I mean, she hasn’t been embarrassed by the rest of her outfits this season…or all the tacky crap in her house… why start being embarrassed now?

Tamra gets ready.  Her glams squad comes and asks the theme.  Tamra says “Femme Fatale.”  The make-up artist says -Oh, I always thought it was “Femm-ee Fatal-ee.”  Oh good, Tamra hired the brain trust.   Thankfully they are just troweling on some putty and stapling in some plastic weave and leaving.

Shannon shows up at Tamra’s house.  She is, apparently, going to a Poison concert after the party.  She is getting renovated as well.

Shannon says “Who has a hooker party when they’re getting honored as a mom?”  And… Shannon also very clear on the theme.

Tamra says she likes to dress for the theme, but she has a hang-up about the Femme Fatale Party because “I just feel like it’s going to be one big orgy.”

1. Tamra had a sex party for the launch of her sex tape / gym advertisement.
2. Tamra takes any opportunity, and sometimes INVENTS opportunities, to “accidentally” show her knockers in public.
3. GOOGLE FEMME FATALE you dumb, dumb, ho.

Tamra thinks it’s going to be old ladies in leather.  For f*ckssake.

Tamra puts a bondage bra on Shannon.

It’s as accurate as any of the other Femme Fatale outfits…

OVER her floral print blouse from Nordstrom Rack.

Tamra tells Shannon about her conversation with Gina.  So, you know, completing the full stir.  Because if you want to stir the pot, it’s better to do it in BOTH directions.  She says Gina was coming to Shannon from a place of concern.  Shannon doesn’t buy it- not four days after her surgery. Shannon thinks Gina brought it up to upset her.

I agree the timing may not have been the best but I don’t think Gina was trying to ruin Shannon’s plastic surgery.  Stir the pot and be a low-key betch, absolutely.

Tamra says that Kelly is the one who started the talk about Shannon being mentally unstable.  Shannon is like- yeah, her of all people who can snap in a second!!  And then Shannon goes on to throw Emily under the bus too, saying she has some nerve trying to diagnose Shannon when she is the one who threatened someone’s life.

ugh.  liar.

Oh My God.  MisRed threatens to kill someone once a day MINIMALLY.  That doesn’t mean I’m actually going to kill someone.  I mean, firstly, MisRed doesn’t believe violence is the answer. And secondly, MisRed would NOT do well in jail.

Shannon says labeling someone is irresponsible and unethical. And it’s potentially damaging.  Yes, maybe.  It could be, Miss 30-year-old.  Tamra agrees Emily should not be comparing Shannon to Emily’s mentally ill mother.

Shannon thinks both Gina and Emily are both “shit-stirrers.”

At the Femme Fatale Fete, Pary is all gussied up- she actually understands the theme, to some degree.

No. And Maybe.

She admires all of Emily’s work.  Emily says she has to please Pary because she doesn’t want to wake up tomorrow “living in a condo and driving a Jetta.” Way to alienate ¾ of your audience, honey.  What’s wrong with driving a Jetta?  Solid German engineering.

A few other party guests show up, it looks like a few of them may have looked up the definition of Femme Fatale.

Gina arrives and hugs the Turtle briefly.  We get a brief review of Turtle tossing Gina out of the poker party.  Who cares?  Other than that was our first real clue that Turtle was a crabby, controlling dipsh*t.

Tamra and Shannon descend the stairs from their spackling session and you can FEEL the hatred emanating from Eddie directly at Shannon.

Death Glare.

And you know, MisRed doesn’t feel things, so you know this is REAL.

Comfortable.

Shannon and Eddie have a supremely awkward interaction on the way to the party.  You can tell Eddie wants less than nothing to do with Shannon as Shannon tries to make small talk.  “Do you know Emily?  Do you know Gina?  They aren’t the nicest to me.  Do you know David’s much younger girlfriend?”

I need help. 
Yes, you do.

Over at Vicki’s she explains her face lift to Steve’s family under the guise of Steve’s daughter needing to “help her” that night at the party.  Um, what exactly does she need help with?  Not stopping for another plastic surgery procedure on the way to the party?  Tightening the laces up the back of her head? Holding her head under the water?

No.  And No.

Yes!

Once she arrives at Pary’s house, Gina changes into her dress and has draped some kind of dead bird over her shoulders.  How many ostriches had to die in the name of the Real Housewives?  #justiceforostriches

Gina tells us her pleather thigh-high boots have only been worn previously in the bedroom- specifically to get knocked up.  Great.  Thanks for sharing.  And ew.

Emily’s mother arrives and meets Gina.  Emily really feels like there is an opportunity for she and her mom to rebuild their relationship.  Sure.  Maybe after Turtle divorces Emily for having another baby, Emily and her mom and finally form a bond.

Shannon, Tamra and Eddie arrive… Shannon thought the theme was “Grandma Fatale,” as in Dead Grandma.

No.  And Hell No.

Yes!!!

Her dress looks like it was recently peeled off someone’s couch or perhaps stolen from the Chik-fil-A mascot?  Although Tamra might look MOST on theme, which isn’t saying much.

Pary asks if Eddie is Tamra’s son?

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Hang on.

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Bring Pary back, please.  We can ditch Emily but keep Pary.

High Five Pary!!!

Of course, Tamra is offended.  She says “My son has no hair and my other son is blonde!!”  What does either of those things to do with the fact that Pary thought Tamra looks like she is old enough to be Eddie’s mother.

Kelly and her date, Alex, arrive to Emily’s party.  Her date is wearing jeans.. slightly underdressed.    Vicki and Steve and entourage arrive.  Vicki isn’t dressed as repulsively as usual.

This is boring.

Let’s talk about talking about each other.

Gina and Shannon sit outside with Tamra and they discuss “the situation.”  Tamra thinks it’s better that they all talk about it together.  Well, that makes a change.  Usually Tamra just wants to talk behind peoples’ backs.  Shannon launches right in saying that she is a lot of things, but she is not a liar.  Ok, whatever Shannon.

Gina says that when she went to Shannon’s house, she didn’t really say particular names or particular things, but only that there was a lot of talk about Shannon in Jamaica and Gina was concerned.

Shannon says that she is “completely mentally sane.” Well nobody that is insane every claims to be completely sane, right?  She simply blew up at a dinner party after a bunch of shots.  LOL. Wait… what did she blow up about?

Oh yeah, about Tamra not extolling Shannon’s virtues as a friend.

Imagine if someone had actually DONE something TO Shannon?

Gina is like- I didn’t actually say any of the bad things about Shannon, she was just relaying the message.  Gina thinks Shannon should be THANKING her.  Vicki would want a casserole, so Shannon is getting off light with just a “thank you.”

The phrase is “Don’t shoot the messenger” for a reason.  If the phrase was “Serve the messenger cupcakes and wine,” it would be a different world, and MisRed would be sending out more messages than friggin’ Groupon.

Gina says she is concerned for Shannon based on what her friends are saying about her and based on how she is acting.

Acting?  How am I acting? 

Of course, Shannon is incredulous.  She has no clue what Gina means. How is Shannon acting??  Shannon thinks Gina is a pot stirrer.

Shannon says Gina said the following:

• Emily is in a bad and abusive marriage. Jury is still out.  And Gina didn’t say that.
• Shannon is responsible for Emily threatening to Kelly. Gina said she would have told her friend not to flip her wig as it wasn’t the right time or place.

Tamra says Shannon needs to learn to let things go.  Yes she does.  So does 85% of most of the people on these shows.  Two words:  Sprinkle Cookies.

Gina says she was only trying to inform Shannon of her friends concern for her.  If Shannon is fine, then it’s cool.  “I don’t even care. I was trying to be your friend.”

Tamra gives the poop a stir asking if she went into the convo with Shannon wanting to tell her what her friends are saying about her? Gina is like- of course not.  Gina thinks Tamra is blinded by Shannon’s bullsh*t.  Actually Tamra is blinded by Tamra’s bullsh*t- she does not need additional input from Shannon.

Gina says she thinks they are at the point where she doesn’t understand Shannon and Shannon doesn’t understand her and maybe they can just be cordial.  But Tamra says she doesn’t want that.  Of course not, she wants to keep the drama going- Tamra is a drama addict.  As is Shannon.

Feigning NON-DESPERATION

South of the Border, Vicki informs Steve’s Mom that she has proposed to Steve the CCFL a few times.   Helga, the mom, is like “Good luck with that.”  Helga says when Steve is ready, he will be ready.

Vicki says, “Well maybe I won’t be ready.” OMG Shut up Vicki.  You are such a desperado, you would have gotten married in the recovery room of your last surgery if Steve had asked.  Or if ANYONE had asked.  They only thing that you make you UNWILLING might be lack of consciousness, and that’s just an untested theory at this point.

Vicki says when THEY decide they are ready, they are going to have a country-western themed wedding.  She and Steve are going to ride up on their horses.  Sounds great.

Inside, Carolyn (Emily’s Mom) is talking to Kelly and her date.  Oh no.  They discuss Ohio, and Kelly says, of her date, “He’s Big Dick Daddy from Cincinnati.”

Oh dear.  Carolyn’s face is PRICELESS.

Does he take appointments?

Quick, someone peel off her face and stick it on Vicki.

Kelly, Emily go to sit down with Tamra, Gina and Shannon to see what exactly is happening at their pow wow.

At the sit-down, Shannon tries to explain- of the night in question- she had drank a lot and more emotional than normal.  Ha. She says she’s sick of having her mental state called into question, especially when she has been working SO HARD at being non-reactive.

Well, work harder.

Kelly clarifies when she suggested medication for Shannon it was because she just didn’t want Shannon to have a stroke.

You threatened to kill Kelly.  Twice. 

Emily tries to jump in and Shannon says – “Well, we haven’t even discussed your diagnosis of me.”  Emily attempts to clarify but Shannon just interrupts her saying “The same could be said about you.  You not only once, but twice, threatened to kill Kelly.”

Emily eventually gets out an apology to Shannon- she never wanted to hurt her by saying she was an insane wildebeest who belongs in a mental institution painting watercolor with her own drool.  Shannon half accepts.

But then Gina tries to jump in.

Shannon interviews that she just wants to get out of there and get to the Bret Michaels concert.

Vicki lumbers up and sits down.  They discuss her plastic surgery.

Yeahhhhh, you are a little less revolting…

Gina says “Oh! You got rid of your gobble wobble!”  Vicki is, of course, insulted, she says she didn’t know she had a gobble wobble.

My belly button is in the back of my head but I never had my neck done!!!

Uh, yes, you did.  Don’t lie.  Her doctor even said he was giving her a gobblectomy in her initial consultation.

Shannon runs to go change into her rock concert outfit.

Tamra says she thinks the discussion went well.  Everyone else is like… uh ok.

The party continues.  And Shannon shows the girls her concert outfit.  Kelly thinks Shannon’s erratic behavior is frustrating for Gina.  Thanks Captain Obvious.

10 to 1 Bret boned Shannon

Shannon leaves and laments the season.  She says she is so proud of herself and how she has started this business and is raising her girls.  WHAT ABOUT ARCHIE?!?!?!

Tamra tells Gina, even though it doesn’t feel like it right now, her life is going to be amazing.

Vicki thanks Steve the CCFL for all he’s done for her for the past two weeks while she has been recovering from surgery. Vicki continues to try to pry a marriage proposal out of Steve by suggesting they go to “premarital counseling.”  Steve will say anything just to keep those checks coming in.

Kelly talks to Gina at the bar.  Kelly’s date and her little gay boy toy are there- I don’t remember his name and frankly, I don’t care.  Oh wait, it’s Jack.  Gina says Jack is a trust-fund baby.  Kelly says Jack has a PhD- Pappa Has Dough.  And that her date, Alex, has his PhD too- Pretty Huge Dick.

Classy. If Kelly hadn’t thrown her mother down the stairs, that Tribble might be proud of her.

Emily hugs her mom and says how proud she if of her.  “You’ve made a complete 360 from where you were.” It’s a 180, dumbass.  Emily has been hanging around Vicki too much.  Carolyn thanks Emily for her support.

Tamra says it’s been a hard year for her dealing with Eddie’s health, and it has tested her faith.  Yes, Tamra the good Christian.  LOL.

The party ends and Gina and Emily jump in the pool.  Great. Who cares?

This season was a complete waste.  This cast, with the exception of Kelly and possibly Gina, needs to go.  Someone suggested they move Kelly to NYC.  I wouldn’t mind her sparring with Bethenny- calling her a c*nt and whatnot.  Thank you to everyone who hung in there with MisRed this season- it was a GROUP EFFORT for sure.  Not sure where I will land next- probably on Bev Hills.  It really is a toss-up for who I loathe more- Vicki or Dorit, so we will have to stay tuned.    I love you guys!!!! xoxo

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Another week, another housewives. The ghost of Kenya’s ditch house has given RHOA it’s lowest ratings in years or maybe ever. This season does feel a little weird. I don’t know if it’s the absence of long timers or the overbearing presence of these younger women that Bravo is trying to force upon us. Am I the only one who likes their housewives like their VHS tapes – old and tightly wound?

This week opens with Porsha and Eva working out for different reasons. Eva is getting rid of baby weight and Porsha wants her body to finally weigh less than her weave. Eva takes another opportunity to mock Cynthia for having a big butt and being 51 because she doesn’t realize that she’s no longer in LA and in Atlanta no one has a problem with either of those things.

NeNe and Gregg go to a hospital in Houston. There is no visible cancer but they recommend chemo. Gregg declines and NeNe goes along with it because they’re going to try holistic methods.

NeNe: I came here to wear wigs and depress the viewers and I’m all out of wigs. 

Shamari, the new cast member, is married to Ronnie Devoe of New Edition and Bell Biv Devoe fame. She’s also a member of the group Blaque and is really impressed by both of their careers.

“It was The Supremes, The Beatles and Blaque. And not in that order.”

“My husband, the man, the myth, the legend – Ronnie DeVoe – invented the Post-It.”

“I miss Phaedra.”

Her babies are adorable, she’s annoying. Maybe she’s trying hard because it’s the beginning and she wants to make an impression. Unfortunately the impression includes telling us that she and her husband are the second coming of Beyonce and Jay-Z. I agree.

This version though

People have made a big to do about Kandi following Shamari’s kids but not Shamari on IG but the kids are super cute and do cute kid stuff. Shamari seems like all she posts is kid pics, passive aggressive inspirational memes and flat tummy tea ads.

Cynthia visits NeNe and Gregg. They bought a healing tree that they are totally going to smoke when the cameras leave. Cynthia supports Gregg’s choice to not do chemo but she’s saying it really slow like she really doesn’t. Someone told him to eat a snake and someone else said to eat dirt out of the ground. He’d rather take his chances with NeNe’s cooking.

Blaque is performing soon so Kandi invites the women to the show. She still has Porsha with the Stewart last name in her phone because Kandi lets nothing go! After being hung up on and then somehow accidentally calling a white man, Kandi gets through to her. They’re cordial and even friendly with each other. Porsha went to high school with Shamari and will go to the show. She can use this as community service to finally get that mail order GED. Kandi inquires what’s going on in the background and Porsha says she is at Dennis’ house. I always imagine that Dennis’ house is littered with animal byproducts, singles and dentist brochures. Kandi still stays quiet about knowing women he’s dated because it’s only episode three. She needs to stretch this out until the OLG spinoff contracts have been signed. 

The women are at Shamari’s show. It’s a little low budget but it’s an opportunity for them to remind everyone that they’re basically the Rolling Stones of Atlanta. At the table, Cynthia invites them all to a potluck “Bailey-que”. Porsha says that Dennis is a chef so he’ll make her contribution. Did I miss something? I didn’t know that hot dogs were a chef-able food. Porsha is going to bring Shamea but Eva is annoyed and still holding a grudge from last season when Shamea asked about her alleged relationship with Missy. They already hashed that out last season. Eva “Desperately Seeking Storyline” Marcille needs to find new arguments.

Meanwhile, Shamari introduces Ronnie to everyone at the table. NeNe has opinions on Shamari and like Porsha’s dental habits, they’re not good. We don’t get any background but I’m sure that we’ll find out soon. Kandi has known Ronnie for years and his group is her tour’s opening act. For some reason, Shamari thinks it’s a good idea to ask if he, practically an employee, has tips for Kandi regarding Xscape’s concert performances. He says the show is great but they need to work on placement. Kandi channels her inner Momma Joyce and says that she’ll go early and watch their show to see how it’s done. Kandi, and I, think that that information needs to be given to his wife who’s performance was visual oatmeal.

Eva says that she likes Shamari better than Shamea not realizing that Kandi is good friends with Shamea too. Then Eva says that Shamea is black and so is Shamari but with a “q”. Kandi doesn’t like that comment and wonders if it’s an implication of Shamea being dark skinned. I thought the same thing based on how she said it not so much what she said. She denies it and I’m not willing to watch the episode again so we’ll see where the rest of the season goes.

Kandi and Todd are opening a second OLG restaurant. While they’re at the location, Carmon comes over because she’s their insurance agent. She works for the company with the catchy song, not the khakis. Then Jami, Porsha’s former assistant who she attacked in an alleyway at a Christmas party while dressed as a snowman, arrives. Instead of, you know, actually working on the restaurant they discuss Dennis and his dating strategies.

He has a habit of buying women Rolex watches, getting their names and faces tattooed on him, and feeding them assorted meats. The editors cross cut this with Porsha and her boob sweat telling her mom Diane about all of the watches, tattoos and meatloaves Dennis has given her. Jami also says that he had a long term girlfriend that he left for Porsha while Kandi says that she knows several girls who overlapped that relationship. Diane cries at how happy Porsha is; my mother would’ve already been on the phone with the FBI to do a background check on any man who’d tattoo me on him and spend tens of thousands of dollars on me after only five months of dating. Of course I hope that it works out but it seems too much, too soon, too legit to quit.

Next week, Shamari is irrationally excited to announce that she’s been in an open relationship. Marlo calls Eva America’s Next Top Liar and Kandi goes to the baby doctor. Love you for reading and commenting and Happy Thanksgiving!

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Last week, Kandi started her new spinoff, Gossip Girl: Ex Ho Ex Ho, when she shared Dennis’ past with Karmon and Jami. Porsha worked out by trying to fit into a size small tank top. Shamari made her debut in the same clothes we last saw her in in 2001 and Eva continued to Eva.

Kandi visits Dr. Jackie to discuss using a surrogate. Since Kandi already had fibroid surgery and was high risk with Ace, she’d prefer not to carry her next child.

Kandi: Carrying Todd has been more than enough.

Jackie gives them options. The first is to have Todd do the maternity merengue with a fertile Myrtle but Kandi isn’t into that.

“I though everyone’s husband did that.”

Kandi says that they have two embryos already. Todd doesn’t want to leave anyone behind but the women say two surrogates and babies at once is crazy and not in his budget of -$25.00. Todd wants to know if he can touch the woman’s stomach while she’s pregnant. They agree that it’s okay but as usual, Kandi has to be able to get in on some of that rub a dub time. Dr. Jackie says that it’ll cost up to $130,000 and cheap ass Kandi is shocked.

Kandi: You don’t have a microwave we could just sit them in for nine months?

Eva smokes a cigar while waiting for her fiancé. The only interesting thing in this scene is that NeNe is the sister she never had. This means NeNe will turn on her in 5, 4, 3, 2… She wants NeNe to do her toast at the wedding. Mike. Doesn’t. Care. Nor do I. Then she says that someone has to pick up the kids as she sips her midday alcoholic beverage. Mike’s not the mayor, go for it! 

Dennis and his mom have lunch with Porsha. This will be their first time meeting and Porsha gives her a Louis Vuitton wallet for her birthday. She seems less than impressed. Porsha might as well have given her a lucky rabbit’s foot – freshly cut. The mom questions how he had time for a relationship and if they’re in love already. They say they fell in love the first night which is just telling his mom that they boned the first night. She asks if they’re moving to the altar too quickly and Porsha asks if she means the marriage altar.

Porsha: Every Saturday my church sacrifices a virgin on the altar but your son made sure I’m not eligible. 

It’s quiet for a while and then Porsha tries to change the subject. Momma Gina doesn’t fall for this at all and asks about a pre-nup. Porsha spits out her drink. She says that she thinks they’re both open to having a pre-nup. Momma is not impressed. Porsha turns to him and says that nothing can break them up. 

Porsha: Nothing in the world can separate us.

Porsha: You still have your wallet?
Dennis: Yes.

Porsha: Nothing!

Next, Cynthia and Mike are on the phone. They’re exclusive…on Facetime. She won’t see him until next month when he arrives for his birthday. She says that she’s his cake – spongy and moist – and they can’t wait to see each other. Also, they’ve combined their names and use it as a hashtag on Twitter, #CHill. I guess #MikCynthallEIaBailey was already taken.

Shamari is planning a birthday party for her twins and needs to pay the equivalent of rent for the cake. Momma Devoe accompanies her and Shamari said it took them time to get close. She felt Shamari was a gold digger but now she knows that their relationship is legit-ish. The mom felt that Shamari didn’t approach her as a woman and explain how she felt about her son. I didn’t know that dating required a vagina monologue.

Shamari was bothered by all of that but now they agree that the past is the past. Shamari can’t stop digging up these bones though so she goes full Pet Sematary and says that they almost divorced over him being with other women. Shamari glazes over that though and asks if his mom knew that they had an open relationship.

“Uhhh, I think I hear my mother calling me…”

She didn’t know. For a year and a half they were able to be with other people but she was only with women. That was pretty heavy for a cake place – so heavy that they spend $900 on two cakes for two babies that are basically the same person.

Cynthia is getting her house ready for the Bailey-que. “Getting ready” literally consists of 5 latex, dollar store balloons bundled together on a plastic weight that she’s struggling to place. I know a great place for them – it starts with T and ends with rash. If it makes Cynthia feel better we can call it #TRash.

Dennis has delivered the very best leftover hot dogs from last week. I am amazed that they are going so hard with this wiener placement this season. I’m all for entrepreneurship but they highlight his hot dogs and ignore everything else he does. Why didn’t they get hookahs sent over or the local Rolex peddler? Remember when Niles found out that Maris’ family fortune came from urinal cakes and the thought of that getting out was enough for her to grant him a divorce? Yeah…

Marlo arrives with NeNe and brings Cynthia a fishing rod to catch men because she doesn’t realize that The Shape of Water was fiction.  NeNe tells them that Eva has asked her to be in her wedding and Marlo says they’ll need NeNe’s excitement because Eva is boring. Cynthia says that Eva alleged that Will was paid to be her boyfriend last year. NeNe tries to say that Eva is fun and exciting but so far none of them are seeing that side. NeNe doesn’t like being Miss Popularity Minus so I’m gonna place a bet that Eva will be kissing her nose at some point this season to stay on the show. Marlo says that the streets were saying Will was recruited at a Bailey Agency of Dates and Baits model call but NeNe confirms that Cynthia shops at the dollar store (I knew it!) and wouldn’t drop enough money to rent a whole man.

The women continue to arrive bringing food that they or their chefs prepared. We meet NeNe’s customer Tanya pronounced with a ‘Tan’. The only thing we learn is that Tanya is a geek who loves labels. While in the car, Porsha tells Shamea that Eva was talking about her. They thought their issue was resolved but apparently it wasn’t. After all of this, Porsha tells pregnant, hormonal, emotional Shamea, not to go into the party on edge. Also, Porsha eats half of pregnant Shamea’s pickle. I’m going to assume Porsha was pregnant at this time and just thought no one could tell that she was one exhale away from being the Hindenburg II.   

Everyone finally arrives and Porsha is super excited about her hot dog spread. She’s genuinely thrilled. And you know what, of course she was pregnant at this point. That’s why she’s been eating steaks like a 1980’s stockbroker. Once everyone is settled, the women play “Pass the Peach”. The rules are a little fuzzy to me but they basically ask each other potentially scandalous, randomly selected questions while passing a peach around. Eva is supposed to answer who needs a makeover but she passes the peach. Cynthia doesn’t think that Eva has any place judging other people’s outfits. Finally, they just pit Kandi against Shamari since they’re wearing the same color scheme. Eva says Kandi’s look is better but Shamari is snatched, mostly in the frontal lobe area.

Porsha calls Shamari’s outfit Decatur’s finest but Shamari questions what in the Gap Kids hell is Porsha wearing. It’s actually funny to see them all get picked on to their faces and seeing their genuine reactions. Next, Marlo answers that the biggest liar in the group is Eva because they don’t know the real her. Eva says that Marlo is extra when it’s not appropriate. Ummm, what? How is she on this show? Calling her extra is the ultimate compliment. Marlo counters that she’s basic which is amazing. It’s so stupid and simple but illustrates that Eva isn’t reading the room correctly, no pun intended.

Eva: Excuse me Miss “I like attention and wearing expensive clothing”.
Marlo: Who invited the Kmart mannequin?

Eva’s only comeback is that she goes home every night to her second baby’s father. I’ll never understand why these women think Marlo wants anything more than what she has. She’s an ex-con, D-list celebrity who’s financed by men and can wield a knife. That sounds like six Girl Scout patches to me.

Kandi jumps in and calls Eva out for talking about Shamea but passing her bean dip. We get a flashback of Eva handing Shamea copious amounts of bean dip. Then Cynthia jumps in and says she heard that Eva spread those Will rumors. Eva doesn’t really deny it but doesn’t own it. Everyone is mad at her and NeNe seems annoyed that Eva is labeled as “her” friend.

Meanwhile Shamea is about to go Klump on the rest of that bean dip.

Next, Kandi says that Porsha is the freakiest. Porsha says that her freak number isn’t a 10 because she doesn’t do the back door. Kandi loudly and immediately disputes that. She says Porsha told her that she did it. Porsha clarifies that she tried it but like the SAT, she was unsuccessful.

Next they ask who’s been in an open relationship. No one answers at first but then Shamari jumps up, tube top be damned, and says that she has. She explains that she could only be with a woman but that was all she wanted anyway.

Little Known Fact: Shamari is the model for airport body scanners.

NeNe who’s always been prudish is all about this until she realizes Shamari wasn’t allowed to get big dick. This is a long way from the NeNe who didn’t even want to be in the same room as deal-dos.

Lastly, they’re asked who’d they want to be with on a stranded island. I’m so dumb that I immediately started thinking of who’d be the most resourceful and handy. Porsha shouts out for all the lesbians not to answer at once, she knows that they’re all going to say her. It was hilarious. What’d you think? This episode had just enough real life and silliness to make it entertaining for me. Next week, Ronnie is mad at Shamari, Kandi starts sharing info on Dennis and Gregg gets some medical news. Love you for reading and commenting!

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Hello!!!  I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving!  MisRed has, officially, reached maximum density and now she has to sit down and digest this sh*t sandwich of a reunion.  MisRed probably doesn’t need to say that she hates recapping reunions.  It’s a lot of talk talk talk and nothing gets resolved.  They are worse than a channel that’s all Vicki all the time.  VickiVision.  MisRed shouldn’t say that too loudly as I’m sure that will be her next venture.  First KAC, now VickiVision.

Oh look, some workers are touching up Vicki’s face before the show.

The show opens with the “ladies” arriving at the “studio.”  Shannon asks Vicki if she put on make-up to come to the set?  Vicki says “No, I slept with it on.”

At this point, Vicki probably removes her whole face and just tosses it on the nightstand.

Ew.  Why is MisRed remotely surprised?  We’ve all heard the rumor that Vicki has B.O., right?  So, if she didn’t wash her make-up off, there’s a good chance she didn’t shower that day.  Oh, and Vick- your BAD skin?  Maybe if you cleaned it, you wouldn’t have as big of an issue.  Vicki repulses MisRed.

Jesus. That just put MisRed in a REALLY bad mood.

We see Gina and Emily arrive.  Emily says her goal is to not threaten to kill anyone.

Why are they outside?  Did Bravo put their dressing room in some kind of double-wide out back?

Then we see previews of the reunion intermixed with Mandy  Cohen asking the ladies questions to fire them up.  We learn Emily has a binder.

Bet it doesn’t have colored tabs to separate all of the fake cancer docs

And we  haven’t even really seen the real New York Gina yet. Shannon hasn’t really spoken to Tamra.

Andy has to talk to Shannon, on camera, while she’s in her underwear.

The official show opens.  Mandy says hello to everyone.  He says hello to Vicki, saying he is eyeballing her new face.  Vicki says, “Thank you.”  God bless Andy sometimes, as he says – I didn’t compliment it.

Word.

Bahahaha.  Every once in awhile Andy cracks me up.

They split up the Tres Amigas?!?!!?

Andy greets Shannon and asks about her weight loss- 32lbs to date.

212lbs if you count David.

He tells her she looks great and the look on Tamra’s face is priceless.

I’m the only one who is supposed to be skinny, betch.

I’m sure because she can’t take credit for any of it.  She will probably find a way to try to attribute it all to her.

Andy says Vicki’s kids were really worried about Vicki going under the knife again.  Vicki agrees, “They are worried about me going under general aesthetic.”

ANESTHESIA, YOU IDIOT!!!

It’s only because they didn’t know where the insurance stuff was before.  Now they know where the money is, so they are fine for Vicki to be a human version of Operation.

The hair needs to be dyed, but otherwise, pretty much, spot on.

That is, if they can wrestle that black box away from Steve’s slimy faux Latino paws.

Andy asks why Vicki has an insurance policy on Donn?  Vicki says yes, she does, and she bought it when Donn was 42 and she is the owner of the policy and has paid the premiums.  Andy thinks it’s weird Vicki would profit from Donn’s death.  Vicki says she just considers it “my alimony coming back to me.”

Personally, I love that Vicki had to pay alimony.  I know some people, including Vicki think that its ridiculous that Vicki had to pay Donn, but if the situation were reversed, nobody would have an issue with Donn having to pay Vicki alimony.  Plus, Vicki cheated on Donn with Brooks, Donn had dalliances as well, from what I understand, however, would you want to go where Brooks has gone?  I sure wouldn’t.  Steve must have a Deathwish.  What kind of insurance does he have on Vicki?

Andy begins to paint the picture of the season… or as I like to say, “paint the picture of boredom.”  The season opened with the birth of the “Tres Amigas” Shannon, Vicki and Tamra.  More like the rebirth of Cerberus.

Woohoooo!!! 

We review the three women drinking and acting like fools.  Oh, and then we get to see Tamra’s tits for the millionth time.

Why do we continue to be punished?

And Vicki and Shannon kissing- ew, I blocked that out.

Andy says the reunion last year was really the beginning of their “forgiveness tour.”  Shannon says they said they planned to take “Baby Steps” but they were instantaneously back to their normal friendship. This really tells you something about how awful these three hags are.

Andy says Shannon went from telling Vicki she would never speak to her again to kissing her on the lips.  “Do you feel it’s because David is out of the picture?”  Shannon says that a big part of their rift was due to what Vicki was saying about David and their marriage, but they made a vow to not rehash the past and to just move forward.

Well that’s a great method of growth.  Just sweep all the REALLY BIG stuff under the rug and not deal with it.  Great plan.  Because stuff like that doesn’t, like, fester or anything.  And nobody on these shows ever hold a grudge.

Vicki says her favorite moment of the trip was just everything- she just had fun and that’s all she wanted to do in life- “to have flippin’ fun.”  Every syllable Vicki utters is like nails on a chalkboard for MisRed.

Gina interrupts saying she is glad they all had fun, however, at the Grandma Party Vicki said, “I never want to be that girl again, I don’t want that life.”  She was referring to Gina’s 34^th Birthday Party as the offending event.

Vicki says, “I just meant I didn’t want to go out to bars.”

Mmmhmm.

Sure.  What about Andale’s?  We should assume we won’t see you there again?

Gina says she didn’t have her birthday party at a bar- it was “a classy, beautiful party at a restaurant.”   And it was.  With Sequins.

Vicki repeats she doesn’t want to go to bars.

Yeah, we can tell.  

Andy is like- “And yet, there you were whooping it up at Andale’s.”

Vicki is like- I know, that was fun.

Truth.

Kelly says, “Everything Vicki says is hypocritical, so don’t get offended.”

<SHOTS FIRED DIRECTLY OVER VICKI’S BOW>

Vicki tells Kelly “This isn’t about you.”  But the word hypocrite is Vicki’s hot button, so let’s get the popcorn.  MisRed is convinced Vicki doesn’t know the meaning of the word. She probably thinks Kelly is calling her a Hippopotamus. Good thing Carole Radziwill and her huge “hippocampus” isn’t here.

Gina says this is an opportunity for Vicki to say, “I’m sorry, I was wrong.”

LOL Oh Gina.  Babe in the woods, Gina.  Vicki never thinks she’s wrong and she never apologizes for anything.  And she CERTAINLY wouldn’t apologize over something like this, at least not sincerely.

Kelly has reloaded saying, “This is Vicki’s MO.  She’s hypocritical.  You’ll see it.”

Andy asks if Vicki can’t see how she is being hypocritical?

Vicki says, “I don’t want to be single again.”  See?  Vicki doesn’t know what the word hypocrite means.  Really, by this point, she should- she’s been called “hypocrite” enough times.

Gina says she doesn’t like being single either, but – I can’t help it that I don’t have a husband.  Kelly says she likes being single.  Vicki comes back around saying “I didn’t know what you guys were doing that night.”  Typical Vicki.  Shoot first, ask questions later.  She then gives a half-assed apology to Gina.

Andy moves onto the Brooks topic, asking Shannon -Vicki told you several times in Mexico that Brooks was her soul mate.   A viewer wants to know if Shannon thinks Steve is Vicki’s soul mate? LOL  As if Vicki has a soul.

Vicki is like – “Are we really gonna talk about Brooks anymore?”

Vicki Gunvalson, master of the English language.   And again, a HYPOCRITE.  She’s more than happy to call out the similarities between her situation with Brooks and the Dirty John podcast / mini-series because it suits her at the moment.  Because she can USE it to portray herself as a victim and can garner sympathy.  Poor Vicki being taken in by a con man.

Shannon wants to clarify that prior to the Mexico trip, she had only met Steve briefly twice.  She has since gotten to know Steve and she thinks Vicki and Steve are great together and “they are in love.”   You know Vicki threatened to take out an insurance policy on Shannon if she didn’t support her at the reunion.

Emily says she admires Vicki and Steve’s relationship. WOW.  Think about how BAD Emily’s relationship must be if she ADMIRES Vicki’s relationship?  That is just sad.  She admires chicken thawing.

Kelly came to play.  She says, “How do you know?”  Emily clarifies, she met Steve a few times and he was very kind.  Hey, anyone can be on their best behavior for first meetings.  Well, anyone except The Turtle, that is.

Andy thinks it was interesting that Vicki tried to keep a lid on her behavior in Mexico because Steve told her to behave. We flashback to the scene where Steve told her she shouldn’t be doing anything in public that she wouldn’t do in front her grandkids.  Yeah, well, Brianna went into Witness Protection to keep Vicki away from her grandkids, so Vicki doesn’t need to worry about her grandkids seeing her pee herself.

Tamra says she hated “tame Vicki.”  Tamra says initially she was worried because she saw Vicki changing so much and she was worried Vicki was changing to make Steve happy.

Vicki is like “No, I know myself.  Steve doesn’t tell me what to do and I don’t tell him what to do.” Oh Vicki.  LOL.  Vicki completely changes her personality to fit whatever man happens to be bleeding her dry at that particular moment.

Andy is like- but he told you to put a lid on it and you put a lid on it.  Vicki back peddles.  Kelly says, to no one in particular, “She can’t admit to anything.”

So far… MisRed is LOVING Kelly.

Vicki says “Look, we are in a position- he is 60, I’m 56, I’m sure at one point or another there was a conversation where he said, ‘Don’t embarrass yourself.’” Everyone is like- yeah, it was ON CAMERA.  He told her to behave.

Also, exactly what “position” are they in???  Does MisRed really want an answer to that question?  No, probably now.

Kelly is like “Hypocrite AGAIN!!”  Vicki tells her to shut up.  Kelly says, “Just say ‘Steve doesn’t want me to behave that way.’”  Vicki claims neither of them wants her to behave that way and then tells Kelly to dial it down.

Andy says this season was the end to Vicki’s apology tour and it included her apologizing to Eddie.  And with all of that behind her, Vicki focused on becoming the future Mrs. Lodge.  We get a clip package of all of Vicki’s desperate attempts to convince herself that Steve is the perfect man for her.  And then all of Vicki’s desperate pleas for Steve to give her a ring.

Creepy Alien Finger

Andy thought it was so sweet how Steve took care of Vicki.  Vicki says she is attracted to Steve’s stability.

Oh yeah, when I have fallen in love with men it’s always because of their BIG, throbbing stability.

Listen, I get that having a man who is “stable” is appealing.  However, that is not what Vicki wants, deep down.  Vicki wants to be admired and told she is perfect and to be put on a pedestal.  Is Dr. Frankenstein taking new patients?

Andy asks Vicki when she thinks Steve will ask her to marry him?  She says she doesn’t see him getting down on one knee and proposing.  She sees them deciding together.

See, this just goes to prove how delusional Vicki is.  She wants- more than anything- to have Steve drop to one knee with a professional photographer present, and a gospel choir, and a helicopter dropping rose petals… basically Vicki wants a Bachelor type proposal.

Andy says “Are you going to ask him?  You kind of already did.”  Vicki maintains that they will decide together to get married.  Andy asked about them going to premarital counseling – Vicki says she doesn’t want to be divorced again.  Shannon says she and David went to multiple counselors before they got married so… you never know.

Andy asks who in the group thinks Vicki and Steve will get married?  Only Shannon raises her hand.  And then Tamra does, after Shannon shoots her the dagger eyes.  Similar to judgey eyes, but more diabolical.

Andy says, “Do you want to marry Steve, or do you just want to get married?”  Vicki CLAIMS she wants to marry Steve.  Ugh.

A viewer says she just saw the trailer for Dirty John and wants to know if Vicki sees the similarities between that story and she and Brooks?  Of course, Victim agrees 100% that her relationship with Brooks was like Dirty John.  She says Brianna was adamant that Brooks was a bad guy. Vicki says that he was in her ear saying that nobody else wanted her to be happy, blah blah blah.

Oh yeah.  Identical.

Ok, yes, both men were con men, but Brooks wasn’t HALF as smart as John Meehan or 1/10 as good looking as John Meehan or 1/100^th as diabolical and evil as John Meehan.  And let’s get one thing straight, Vicki is no Debra Newell- and she sure as HELL is no Connie Britton.  Sorry, that’s two things.  Vicki was conned because she’s dumb.  Three things, sorry.  She was blinded by a few compliments from a toothless hillbilly.  Connie Britton would never fall for that sh*t.  If you have to buy a man TEETH, he is not your Prince Charming, trust me, especially not in Orange County.  No offense to the toothless.

Andy says “Brooks wasn’t a murderer, so let me make that…”

Vicki says, “He murdered my self-esteem and my pocketbook…and I’m going after him.”

Vicki says she is going after him for money he owes her- and he owes her a lot.

Kelly is like- does he even have any money to go after?  Seriously.  She could take those teeth back, I suppose.

Vicki proclaims to have an excel spreadsheet of how much money Brooks owes her.

To be clear, she’s going to spend a ton of money trying to get back a ton of money from a man she supposedly doesn’t care about and doesn’t want to talk about.  Also… who is to say that this is even money Vicki should be looking to recoup?  Personally, I’d LOVE to see this excel spreadsheet.

Andy asks Vicki if she thinks Brooks studied the show to land Vicki.  Uh yeah.  Duh.  Like who would fall in love with the Vicki of TODAY?  She’s a monster.  Maybe when Donn met Vicki, she was a tolerable semi-human.  She was probably a nice mid-western gal who hadn’t had her ego overinflated by being on a TV show.

Kelly thinks Brooks told Vicki everything she wanted to hear, and Vicki agrees.  Uh duh… we’ve all been saying that for YEARS.

Vicki thinks she shouldn’t have left Donn.  THEN we get a flashback of Brooks at a reunion fighting with Briana and comes out that Brooks told Vicki to leave Donn for him.

And she did.

Vicki thinks she’s in a better place now, but the 5 or 6 years of hell were “not right.”  What 5 or 6 years of hell?  Years where Vicki claimed she was happier than she had ever been?  Years when Brooks filled her “love tank.”  Years when she garnered sympathy from his fake cancer?  Sure, once everyone found out Brooks and Vicki were slimy liars, and everyone stopped talking to them, sure then it got to be hell.  A hell of Vicki’s own creation.  I wonder if next year she will refer to her years with Steve the CC and Faux Latino as being “hell”- you know once she figures out he’s only interested in her for her money?

Blech.  I hate Vicki.

We move onto Gina’s clip package.  Who is Gina’s hairstylist?  They should be taken out back and beaten to death.

Andy says, “She came on like a strong cup of cawfee and she quickly became an OC statistic with her divorce from hot, hunky invisible husband.”

We review the disintegration of Gina’s marriage and their decision to divorce.  It’s sad, blah blah blah.  We review how she’s crapped up the casita with the clearance aisle from Ross Dress for Less.  Oh, and how Vicki said Gina has no moral compass and will be burning in hell, rich commentary considering the source.

Gina said she started the show with her marriage in a down but wasn’t sure it was going to trigger her to end her marriage.

Shannon says when she started the show, her marriage was in a similar place.  She thought David would see how badly he was treating Shannon and turn his ship around.

But then he realized Shannon was his wife…

Did Shannon also see how she was treating David?  Of course not.  Shannon has been on this show for how many years and her behavior has ONLY escalated into the crazy stratosphere.

We learn the following:  Gina is not having sex with Matt anymore and she hasn’t told her kids yet that they are divorcing.  She basically tells her kids that when she “goes to work” she has to live in her small house.  She says when they moved from Long Island their relationship wasn’t enough.

Tamra says “Oh I heard you were divorcing him because he never brought you flowers.”  Shut up Tamra.

Gina says that the flowers thing was a symptom, but he has never complimented her or built her up.  Gina thinks these things are important.  She says she sees him complimenting her daughter and that’s how she knows that Matt is a good person and a good Dad, but he’s not meant to be her husband.  Gina gets upset- she loves and respects him and wants to have a good relationship with him.

Shannon agrees- she says her kids grew up with a lot of volatility because she and David fought all the time.

Then Vicki’s Italian Dinner is under the microscope.  The dinner where she boned that creepy chef.  The ladies were trying to get to know Gina, but instead it seemed like they were badgering her about her marriage. They had hoped Gina would learn from all their collective mistakes.

I mean, if anyone is a cautionary tale it’s these ho-bags.

We see Vicki saying that for sure one of them- either Gina or Matt- is cheating.  Gina says that people don’t divorce because of affairs, but rather have affairs because they are unfulfilled in their relationship.   Shannon doesn’t believe that- she and David went through a 2-year dry spell and she never looked outside her marriage for sex.

Kelly is like… yeah, well David did.

Andy says Vicki was very upset that Gina doesn’t believe in God and called her morally bankrupt.

Actually, it was that Gina has no moral compass. 

Vicki says she believed at the time that Gina had no moral compass.  Emily says she doesn’t believe that morality and religion go hand in hand.

Vicki says morality and religion go hand in hand because of the Ten Commandments.

LOL.  Vicki is so delusional.  Ok, MisRed is going to get trippy on you now… In the Religion of MisRed- MisRedicism let’s call it, you don’t go to heaven because you believe in or fear God or because you know the Ten Commandments.  You must, actually, put the beliefs into practice.  Put the commandments into action.

Let’s take a peek at the 10 commandments and let’s see how many Vicki has broken.

1. You shall have no other gods before Me. Vicki values money more than anything.
2. You shall make no idols. Vicki put Brooks before her own children
3. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain. Vicki compared herself to Christ on the cross.
4. Keep the Sabbath day holy. Ok, maybe she hasn’t broken this one?
5. Honor your father and your mother. She thinks her parents are birds who slam into her window.
6. You shall not murder. Vicki has murdered MisRed’s will to live.
7. You shall not commit adultery. Uh, yeah. Check.
8. You shall not steal. Three words:  Kill All Cancer.
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. Uh, she’s the biggest liar in Real Housewives History.
10. You shall not covet. She wants a new face 3 to 4 times a year.

Ok, so maybe Vicki rests one day a week, but I’m sure we have her on that one too.

Gina is like- yeah, well, I may get into heaven before Vicki does.  Which is probably true because Vicki is Satan with a chin implant.

Yes!!!!

Of course, Vicki is PISSED… and it’s AWESOME!!!!

Andy sets up the next segment saying:  Vicki and Kelly were once ride or die friends, but this year when Vicki hooked up Michael with another woman and never told Kelly – things changed.

Vicki, of course, EVEN NOW, sees nothing wrong with her behavior and nothing wrong with what she did.  We see Kelly seeking advice from Jolie, who advised that Vicki is a snake and they can be friends again, but it’s NOT going to be the same as it was before.  MisRed is exaggerating slight.  SLIGHTLY.  Kelly says she forgave Vicki but doesn’t necessarily trust her.

Then we review Kelly’s hatred for Steve the CC and his speaking to Page Six… and then her confronting Steve at Tamra’s Red party.  Which led to Kelly telling Tamra and Shannon that she heard Steve is only using Vicki for money.  Which we all already knew.

The current sitch is: Kelly and Vicki do not speak.  Even Steve and Michael do not speak.

And Vicki and Steve do not hang out with Michael anymore.  Michael is not dating the girl that Vicki set him up with any longer, he is dating someone new.  How does she know this if they don’t hang out?   A viewer asks if Kelly had a problem with Michael hanging out with Vicki?  Kelly says her only issue is that Vicki didn’t tell her that Vicki had set Michael up with a mutual friend.

Vicki STILL maintains that she did nothing wrong and that it was Michael who didn’t want Kelly to know.  Vicki says that she isn’t really friends with either one anymore.

The issue is Kelly felt Vicki was DISLOYAL to her.  And Vicki was.

Vicki is back pedaling faster than lance Armstrong on the downhill.   Her story has changed so many times on this topic- and even at the reunion we get an entirely DIFFERENT version.  So, you know what?  Vicki lies constantly, she is always either playing the victim or twisting the facts to show her in the best light possible and MisRed is OUT.  She refuses to believe a single thing Vicki says anymore.  Which is not any different than where MisRed stood on things 10 seconds ago, but I am now DECLARING it.

Emily said in her blog that Vicki’s excuse for not telling Kelly kept changing.  It’s completely true and Vicki is a lying sack of shit.  Glad Emily and I agree.

Kelly says Vicki chose Michael’s side and Michael will always have Kelly’s back.  Vicki is like, will he?  Then she proceeds to say, Michael said being married to Kelly was 14 years of hell.

Can someone call Donn to weigh in on his years of marriage to Vicki?

Kelly asks, if Michael said this, and he was so miserable, why was he not the one to file for divorce?

Kelly asks what would have happened if she ever went on a date with Brooks- then Kelly retracts and says she would never go on a date with someone with no teeth.

Kelly says that Vicki is like a fart- silent but deadly.

Except Vicki is never silent.

Vicki says is not nice to say that and that Kelly has no class and is unkind.  Kelly says Vicki is unkind on the sly.

Kelly calls Vicki a liar.  And then calls her “Lies-a Minelli.”

Hang on, don’t drag Liza into this?!?!

Hey! What did I do???

What did Liza ever do to anyone on this show???

Kelly says she sees red flags with Steve and Vicki has Steve doing her dirty work on Instagram because everyone thinks Vicki is a piece of crap.  Vicki denies it Steve does her dirty work. Ironically, she doesn’t dispute the fact that she’s a piece of crap.

Vicki tells Kelly to shut her mouth.  Kelly corrects her saying, “my big fat mouth” right?  (harking back to a conversation Vicki and Tamra had about Kelly saying the Steve is Vicki’s bitch who is just with her for the money. And Vicki said Kelly needs to “Shut her fat-ass mouth.”

Kelly tells Vicki to turn around and look at her own ass in the mirror.

Vicki then says “I don’t do cocaine. Sorry.”

We are sorry too.  Vicki might be tolerable on Cocaine.

Kelly is like- Neither do I.  They erupt into a fight and Kelly can’t believe Vicki would say that something like that, especially when Kelly has a kid.

low blow

Vicki says that Kelly is never even with Jolie.

Kelly is upset, legit.  She disputes the cocaine accusation and says she has a kid and it’s WRONG to say this kind of thing on TV.  Also, she doesn’t know where Vicki got the information she is never with Jolie.  She says she and Michael have one week on/ one week off.   She offers up a piece of her hair for a drug test and adds if she did cocaine, she would probably be really skinny!

Andy comments Vicki has upset Kelly saying she’s not a good mother.  And Vicki is like- I never said she was not a good mother.  Andy is like… you just said she does cocaine and never is with her kid.

What else is there to construe from the conversation?  Not sure I know a lot of good moms who are absentee and on cocaine, but perhaps my social circle is limited.

Emily says Kelly and Vicki need to fix things with one another and Vicki should not talk to Michael about Kelly.

Vicki says she doesn’t like the way Kelly treats people.  Besides, Vicki reasons, Kelly said Vicki had a fat ass.

So totally the same thing…

If Kelly is going to go after Vicki, Vicki says she will hit right back.  Ok, Kelly threw a baby punch and Vicki dropped a nuke.  The punishment didn’t exactly fit the crime.  Although rumor has it the holocaust was started because Anne Frank said Hitler had a fat ass.

Not saying Kelly is an angel, but Vicki is the worst.  Also, let’s flip the argument, what if Kelly had accused Vicki of doing cocaine?  Vicki would have gone off the rails screaming about her grandkids and business and standing in the community.  I can just imagine.

Andy asks where do Kelly and Vicki  go from here?  Kelly says it’s horrible that Vicki said Kelly does drugs and Vicki said, “Well you said I was fat.”

REALLY VICKI?!!?!?

They break for lunch.

When Tamra is the moral center… you know you have problems.

Tamra goes over to Vicki and Shannon and says that Vicki can’t say that Kelly does cocaine.  Vicki is like- that’s what I heard.  Tamra says “You have to have evidence.” Vicki says she has no evidence.

Of course she doesn’t. 

Tamra and Shannon are like- you can’t say stuff like that.

Also, Tamra calling for evidence is rich.  Remember all the evidence she had that Gretchen was cheating on Jeff?  Tamra isn’t exactly the best investigator.

In the dressing room, Kelly calls Michael in tears and asks him about what he told Vicki? She does coke? And she is never with Jolie?  Being married to her was like 14 years of hell.  Michael says he never said any of those things to Vicki.

Kelly says, “You know I don’t do drugs!” as she takes a gulp from her glass of champagne.

I, kind of, believe him.  And I kind of believe Kelly.  I think she has dabbled in things, but she doesn’t strike me as a coke addict.  I think she’s a lunatic without chemical enhancement, which is quite an achievement.

Vicki says that Kelly is playing the victim.  Plus, “She said I was a fart.”

Can we get a show of hands – Who thinks Vicki is a fart?

Shannon says, you can’t say that she does cocaine all the time.  Vicki says, “I never said all the time.”

Ok, firstly, Vicki is, at this, point beyond description.  Her behavior is disgusting.  But equally AS disgusting… neither Tamra or Shannon stuck up for Kelly.  With friends like them, who needs enemies.  I get it, I get it- they are the Tres Amigas, but that doesn’t give them a pass.  They are a trifecta of GROSS.

The episode ends.  Next time, Tamra goes after Shannon and Shannon is blindsided.  Kelly and Emily get into it over The Turtle and god knows what else.

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You know that feeling at the end of college, where you know you’re about to graduate, where the tests are over, the pressure is off, this overwhelming weight of adolescence feels ready and willing to shake itself off of your shoulders? Where the sense of existential doom is overshadowed by this Dionysian urge to live life to the fullest? That’s how I feel about this episode of Real Housewives of Dallas. Like a sudden compulsion to dance with them and savor then, to let them have their way with me in the neon-lit bar of a frat house until I no longer feel their purpose. This season has been fun and wondrous and full of lessons, but I’m so ready to be rid of it, I’m so ready to let these women fly off my back and go far away, back to the trees where they’ve built their dirty nests.

But also, I know that I’ll miss them. I know that on Thursday nights, I’ll be left with nothing but a box of wine and my dog and my cat and my bills, and I’ll stare adulthood square in its chalky face, and I’ll sigh. I’m going to pine for this escapism, and I’m going to think of sweet Stephanie, whispering all her fears to me until a baby kangaroo boings in and helps her forget everything.

You guys, I’m going to miss us, and I know there’s a reunion, but this is the only shit left worth mocking for fun, so let’s just dive into it and savor it. Here, for a final time, are our horrendous Real Housewives of Dallas.

This episode was a super quick conclusion to 16 episodes of drunk shaming, culminating in one very ill-conceived frat party, so not a lot happened. The producers tried to tie up loose ends by cramming as much manufactured filler into the first act, so we were treated to a lot of low-stakes content where the ladies did a bunch of boring shit. As we blazed through a season recap before the opening title rolled, I was kind of surprised that I’ve spent four whole months never finding out like, why Cary and her Dad had such a weird relationship (we never saw them in one scene together), where all of the Rich-cheating rumors came from, or how Brandi and Stephanie managed to form warring cliques yet still managed to stay THE VERY BEST! of friends this entire season.

And that’s where we land for this first scene, with Brandi and Stephanie “prepping” for Travis’ going-away party, which is frat themed since he’s going to Harvard Business School. OK first off I find it insane that we’ve spent 40 fucking years in the desert with these idiots, Stephanie moaning all the while about how she’s going to forget how to read and breathe and wipe herself while Travis is away, and Travis still hasn’t taken this damn trip.

Second, I also am a little (a lot) skeeved out that a bunch of 40-year-olds are giddily psyching this guy up for going back to “college” by throwing him a drunken bacchanal, aka frat party. Travis is an old puffy married man who’s flying out to Boston to take a few classes in emerging capital and microeconomics before he shuffles off to his corporate apartment in the snow to eat Chinese food and stare at sexy movies on Starz (if he’s lucky). Funneling bears and hanging himself all over Sigma Nu girls he will not be. So let’s not put any ideas in his head.

But nevertheless, Steph loves a good party, and damn if she won’t blast it with a theme, so here we are, with her and Brandi working hard at the task of drinking wine on the porch and watching Trey do everything.

Also, I am extremely h*cking angry that we didn’t get to hear one peep (good one brain!) out of these cast mates all season!

Throughout the episode, all of the ladies will tell sordid tales of what they were like in college, way back in the olden days when Times Square was a little old apple orchard out in the country and women could be prosecuted for learning how to read.

Stephanie explains that she was an angelic virgin all through high school so when she finally liberated herself* and went off to college, she threw off all her clothes and jumped in a public fountain and said, “hark, ye sinners! I am the goddess Ariadne! Bring me wine and the head of young Hercules! Praise me in song and fetcb me strapping strong warriors for to lay their seed in my fertile fields!”

She bathes in the immortal panacea of Sun-In and Bud Light

*she wasn’t that independent. Remember that story she told about making her dad drive two hours to come fix her clogged toilet?

Like Stephanie, I was also a total square in high school who turned into a parent’s worst nightmare when I got to college. The transition from all-girls Catholic school to NYU is … how should I put this… nuclear? I didn’t become a slutty bag of liquor over night, but I did become a slutty bag of liquor over night. When I think back on those years the only memory I have is the smell of beer rot and a closet full of Ugg boots. Perhaps my worst memory of all, though, was giving an interview to The New Yorker after the election and telling them a) I didn’t vote and b) I thought everyone who voted was stupid. Literally, of all the awful, mean-spirited, dangerous shit I pulled, that is the mistake that sticks with me the most.

Feel free to tell us who you were in college in the comments. I’d love to hear your stories! Please make me feel better about myself and the decisions I’ve made.

Brandi tells us that because she was a cheerleader who was terrified of gaining weight, she never drank in college. Also she was with Brian the whole time, so she was skinny, sober, AND boring. What a waste. No wonder she’s such a trainwreck on this show.

There’s a super boring scene where LeeAnne drags Pirate Rich to an LGBTQ-friendly place of worship called “Church of Hope,” as in I Hope the audience at home is still convinced this schmuck is gunna marry me. The place looks like the bunker in American Horror Story: Apocalypse. Promising!

And whatever, nothing happens. LeeAnne just jumps up and down and claps a lot and interviews about how PERSECUTED she is but this place is so WELCOMING of her and her homicidal tendencies and god dammit, she DESERVES this. Rich does his usual thing of darting his eyes around in a terrified fashion and making jokes out the corner of his mouth about vodka and execution chambers.

The only other thing worth pointing out in this red herring of a scene is that LeeAnne makes an obvious note to scroll through the calendar on her phone to set a date: April 27th. That’s two days before my birthday. If I turn 19 (nine.TEEN.) and this bitch isn’t married I will personally send her a— ? um, very strongly worded tweet.

Then there’s another bizarre scene where D’Andra and Dee have a contract signing party? Look, I get that it’s a big deal for the Designing Women set piece and large limestone cliff that is Dee to finally (and officially) cede control of her face poison empire over to D’Andra, but damn is there a lot of pageantry to this.

Dee’s set up a little ceremonial table at the restaurant, short of nothing but a huppah and a rabbi, and invited about, mm, five thousand of her closest friends. We watch as Dee and D’Andra’s brightly colored talons float erratically over some dotted lines with an expensive pen and boom, the deal is done. I can’t believe this conflict lasted all h*ckin season!

D’Andra swipes the contract in ceremonial pomegranate juice, then dusts it with the sacred dirt of Pride Rock. She then holds the tiny infant contract up over her head, into the blazing sun, and a sonic boom of excitement erupts over all the animals. They bay and cant and buck and whinny, beating the ground with their hooves and their claws and their antlers. The monkeys scream in terrifying approval, leaping in the air and flashing their yellow teeth as they clap. The elephants hurl their tusks to the sky, weaving their trunks through a flock of soaring herons, and blare out a brassy roar. A happy chortle rolls through the pack of zebras, prancing in place. The kingdom is at peace, for it has found a new king. Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba! All hail King D’Andra.

And yes, I realize that that is the THIRD Lion King analogy I’ve made all season and guess what buttheads, I’M NOT SORRY.

Anyway, I will miss our glorious Dee. Bye, queen.

*whispers:* I love you.

LeeAnne and This Bitch meet at a boutique to go shopping for Travis (WHY, he’s going to night school, not dying) and This Bitch is wearing a skirt that normally I’d love but now I hate it because it’s on her.

PINEAPPLE MUCH, DUMMY???!!!
high five, me

They decide to get Travis a “chambong” and it’s one of those very rare occasions where I actually agree with This Bitch in her interviews:

So, full disclosure (and what is obvious): I skipped recapping last week because I was Brandi Redmonded. I was drunk off my ASS, henny, and even though I did try to get my family to watch this show with me (I made an attempt!) they talked over it the whole time and then my stupid cousin announced she was h*ckin pregnant and I was like eeeewh buoouy there goes my uterus may as well drink some more and then I cried because actually I’m so happy for her and I can’t wait to have a baby and maybe I’m having an existential crisis and tomato/tomahto, I guess LeeAnne thinks Brandi stole her phone.

This Bitch, for once, isn’t a total slave to LeeAnne’s hysteria and while they’re sitting on the store couch talking, she suggests that it’s not totally out of the realm of reason for Brandi to confiscate a phone she is 99% sure has a picture of her naked on it. For context, LeeAnne was filming Brandi and everyone else who skinny dipped in the Baltic Sea with Cary’s family in Copenhagen. LeeAnne said she was “filming it for posterity,” which seems like a limp reason when you remember there was a whole camera crew behind her filming everything for national television. Brandi thought it was double suspicious since she thinks LeeAnne’s trying to sabotage her attempt to legally adopt Bruin. LeeAnne doesn’t see it that way, of course, and reverts back to her old wonderful narrative of being everyone’s bloody, battered scapegoat, which of course leads to her snarling that she’s going to kill everyone, including Stephanie, who’s a bad friend because something something fashion show.

And I’m sort of like This Bitch over here, who can do nothing but lean back into the sofa and talk into her own neck, going “riiiiiight, reeeeeeeeeeght,” the whole time.

Reeght.

Not a third of the way into the episode, we’re into its final scene: the day of Travis’ Frat Party. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Hold up. Did you SEE how much vodka is on that table???!

OK, I just threw up in my mouth a lot. And then choked on my own vomit and the RA had to rush me to the ER to get my stomach pumped.

Anyway, here’s what two forty-year-olds are wearing to the party!

I can’t believe I never talked about this, but Brandi and Stephanie really infantilize the shit out of themselves. Stephanie reminds me of Holly from The Girls Next Door, bopping around the Playboy mansion and giggling pornily at a horny old man in a velour smoking jacket, and Brandi, well. Stay away from ice cream trucks, girl.

Stephanie shows off her jello shots as she talks about h*ckin in a frat house and I gotta say, I’m impressed.

… not for the having sex in a frat house part. But the jello shots. That shit is LABOR INTENSIVE. I once stayed up all flippin night making jello shots for a Virginia Tech game my ex took me to with his family, and look at what a hella good girlfriend I was:

That’s THREE FUCKING JELLO SHOTS IN ONE MOTHERFUCKER. I had to spend 16 sleepless hours to make that chef-d’œu·vre. I researched how to put that together for a whole DAY. People had to consume this glorious rainbow elixir with a GOLDEN SPOON. I was worried the orange part would meld into the maroon part and you wouldn’t be able to see the Hokie colors so you know what I did? I FIGURED OUT HOW TO MAKE A GOD DAMN MATTE WHITE JELLO SHOT. It requires 10 newborn fingernail clippings and a blood oath to Beelzebub, plus a week’s worth of penance and patient waiting. And you know what my ex did? Nothing. He sat on his soggy ass like a thankless churl. Whatever, Name Redacted (that’s his legal name now, it’s on his Social Security card: Name Redacted), I was always too good for you!

Anyway, I’m proud of Stephanie and her 600 jello shots. Also, Brandi is Done (not Sam & Ronnie Done, but Done Done) with LeeAnne. One of the things I missed last week also was I guess This Bitch sent Brandi a voicemail about LeeAnne not cloning Brandi’s phone and Brandi’s also mad about that? Who cares. Go back and look at my Nobel Prize-winning jello shot.

Stephanie contends that LeeAnne and This Bitch are friends because LeeAnne is This Bitch’s “safety net” because once upon a time Brandi chased This Bitch around a beach in Mexico with a big black dildo until LeeAnne flew in on a steed with a flaming sword and slashed Brandi’s head clean off her scaly body. It fell with a lump on the sand, a terrible scream peeling from its throat, and then This Bitch threw her hanky at LeeAnne and they made love atop Brandi’s steaming body.

I’m such a bad recapper. My imagination is fun though!

OK, so can we talk about this disaster that happened when LeeAnne showed up to get dressed with This Bitch?

So, everyone obviously thought of the party’s theme “frat party” and immediately went to Revenge of the Nerds, which meant all the guys dressed up as preppy 80s movie villains and all the women dressed up as nameless 80s camp movie sluts. So LeeAnne’s original plan – pictured above – wasn’t totally off the mark. But then she sees This Bitch’s outfit, which is a surprisingly on-the-nose and perfect Cher Horowitz from Clueless, and said I WANT TO DO THAT. Which is lazy and selfish and tasteless and obviously This Bitch has to pretend she’s OK with LeeAnne running to the same costume store to purchase the same outfit while This Bitch sits alone at home, with no one to talk to, to wash her hair and fume that someone else is going to be wearing the same costume to the party. To know that she now has to show up to this shit looking like she and LeeAnne are so inseparable they can’t wear individual clothes. Great!

For once, I actually feel bad for her.

And, not for nothing, because lo and behold This Bitch was tailor-made for a Cher Horowitz costume, Cher Horowitz doesn’t fit in with the the theme of the party. a) Cher is Peak Nineties, and b) Clueless was a movie about high school, not college.

But, oh my god, YES.

But oh my god, NO. I’m fairly certain at this point that LeeAnne has no idea what Clueless is. I’m actually fairly certain that LeeAnne has never seen A movie.

And while This Bitch’s getup is SO THERE, her highlighter is a little too much there. If you know what I mean.

You need a shmudge, as my family would say to This Bitch. That means rub your fist across your cheekbones until your ears fall off because… oof, Jesus, take the wheel, and all the makeup.

Brief interlude to talk about the rest of the crew in college: Cary was a slut like me who confused over-sized men shirt’s for dresses:

For this party, though, she’s chosen to go as a Millennial college student, wearing just enough clothing to cover up her nipples and half her ass cheeks, and yes that’s how I feel about college-aged girls today and yes that makes me old. But who cares: I care about you girls and I want you to put some damn clothes on!!!!!

I was almost considering turning this recap into an appreciation post of solely this picture of D’Andra in college in the 80s:

It’s so perfect. The “metal” hand sign. The obvious Diet Coke in a wine glass. The FEATHERED HAIR IN A JACUZZI. Damn, that’s brave. What’s not brave, however, is D’Andra’s outfit at this party:

As I’ve covered in this recap, though, D’Andra is nothing if not authentic when it comes to a theme, and I guess here she’s taken the “hungover college girl rolling into exams” approach.

D’Andra was talking in the car on the way over to Dee about being all anxious to see LeeAnne and as a side note – completely unrelated and now that this is the finale – I gotta say I love Jeremy. He’s a drunken lech, and that’s annoying, but also sort of sweet. I kind of love the way he slurs at D’Andra to forget about the whole LeeAnne thing and then slobbers all over her knuckles and asks her if they can just have fun tonight.

Maybe it’s only me, but it’s so obvious that he’s lit out of his mind even at this early stage (and no judgment, I’d have to load up on bourbon before one of these parties too), and he can’t wait for the part where they’re done with these stupid screaming harpies and he can maul D’Andra in the back of the car, all the dark way home, and then pass out on top of her in their bed made out of money. I love Jeremy. He’s a relatable horndog, and sometimes that’s all ya need.

Look how cutely possessive he is! No seriously, it’s cute?

So the party starts and I’m comforted to know that with all this open liquor around the kids are included:

So are innocent exotic baby animals, such as Callie Roo, the famous baby kangaroo from Stephanie’s spa party:

… and her inimitable handler, Happy Adam Lanza:

(sorry, I ALWAYS SEE IT)

I also love that Bryan’s so drunk when he shows up that he literally stumbles in:

Perfect adoptive father candidate

As D’Andra shares the news that the company was signed over, these two buffoons walk in MISQUOTING Clueless. For this crime, they must be executed.

THE LINE IS “I TOTALLY PAUSED,” IDIOT

The rest of the cast obviously shit all over these weird “twinsie” outfits, especially Cary, who points out the “19-year-old” who did the slutty version:

… and it’s OK for a 19-year-old to show up to an ironic frat party dressed up as Clueless! Because she probably never saw the movie and she probably thinks people from the 90s are a hundred and oh god what is this child doing at a 40-year-old man’s backyard party that’s been sponsored by Wild Turkey can someone please call her parents?

Stephanie asks LeeAnne point blank if LeeAnne stole Brandi’s cell phone and you guys, quite honestly, I don’t know what’s going on with this cell phone business and I feel like even if I paid attention last week during Thanksgiving it wouldn’t give me that much more clarity.

… but suffice to say that LeeAnne explains in her supremely injured way that she wanted Brandi to feel the same “stress” that Brandi inflicted on LeeAnne when Brandi stole LeeAnne’s phone so yeah, she stole Brandi’s phone. And that’s because LeeAnne believes in tit for tat, and when LeeAnne gets tat, her “tit’s always going to be bigger.”

The Housewives are always so proud of themselves when they can improv/yes-and themselves like that.

Meanwhile, the other side of the conversation is being set up five feet away with Brandi and This Bitch, so we’ll ping-pong back and forth between these two dumpster fires and you know how recappers love that.

Brandi and This Bitch start out in that “They’re Definitely About To Fight” way that the Housewives have: which is one of them denigrating herself to the point of damnation until the other one has to dig her out of hell by praising her hair and her clothes and her taste in cheap HomeGoods kitchen decor.

So once This Bitch has been fully adored, she explains to Brandi, rightfully! (I can’t believe I’m saying that about This Bitch) that she totally gets why Brandi would steal a phone she assumed had racy content of her stored. Which makes sense! This Bitch is so prude I actually doubt she has private parts. I assume she’s just a Barbie doll under all that terrible mid-aughts pink faux fur clothing, with smooth peaks on her chest and a flat hinge between her knee-less legs. Wee-ooh, wee-err! she goes when she walks. Beep boop beep bop, I’m a doctor, Ken! Let’s bump faces and kiss! Mwah mwah! Look, we made a baby! Let’s lay its rigid plastic body in my little pink mansion, for I have no placenta of which to speak…

During the commercial, the cast and crew takes a break for like three hours because suddenly we come back – everyone’s back in Places! – but it’s dark now, and Brandi is screaming at the top of her tiny lungs.

“Why would you believe!” “What did I do!” “Think about it, Kameron!” “Use your brain!” Brandi shrieks, willing tears to come to her eyes, feeling a thousand tiny demons wake from their slumber in the pit of her stomach and crawl with a vengeance, their razor-sharp claws tearing fury into her vocal chords, up through her throat and off of her tongue. This Bitch can do nothing but silently nod across from Brandi and blink her eyes slowly, reluctantly agreeing that while Brandi is acting like a lunatic LeeAnne actually IS a lunatic who steals phones and films people in intimate settings and then threatens to kill them.

Meanwhile, Cary is hilariously standing to the side of all this, gnawing drunkenly on her straw and looking around the lawn and slurring out her default sound: “nnnnnnngrI think yuh juss need to go’n talk ta herrrrrrrrrrrrrrr[rrrrrrrrrzoom shut down noise].”

D’Andra joins the conversation and tells This Bitch that she, too, is done with LeeAnne:

… in her interviews, D’Andra explains how she thinks LeeAnne’s used her to “social climb,” and now that she’s met This Bitch she no longer needs D’Andra, which makes D’Andra feel “disposable.” Which, hey! isn’t wrong, but I think D’Andra is confusing “This Bitch” for “reality television.”

Meanwhile, LeeAnne and Stephanie are still on their marks, conveniently five feet away from this whole conversation, talking about the same thing. Stephanie tells LeeAnne that she “fills like” LeeAnne should just talk to Brandi. LeeAnne honors the Housewife tradition of insisting that she doesn’t want to raise weapons in the host’s home (“not at your party!” “not in your home!” “not tonight!”) but Stephanie gives her a look like, bitch, you know this is the finale scene, just fucking cave. So LeeAnne h*cking caves and agrees to talk to Brandi and Stephanie puts an arm out and like a rabbit on a cane in a Looney Toons clip, Brandi appears in frame.

LeeAnne tries to be all measured with her initiation, recalling some some sort of therapy “I” statements so she doesn’t come off as aggressive: I feel like you felt like I felt like you stole my phone if you feel like I feel like I feel those feelings, which I feel if you feel like that happened if that happened which I feel like it did. [meditation bowl gong of victory]

And then Brandi tells her that if she stole LeeAnne’s phone she wouldn’t have personally returned it to LeeAnne’s room and what the fuck ever, then it devolves into both of them calling themselves out on each other on lies and name-calling that I can’t really recap but it does lead to beautiful interactions like this:

Context (and geography) is key

Brandi and D’Andra both pile on to LeeAnne to eventually yell about how she called them both alcoholics. LeeAnne says that she only inferred it, so Cary (finally!) steps up to the plate to remind LeeAnne (with Bravo editor receipts) that not only are inferring and claiming the same thing, but she DID call Brandi an alcoholic at one of this season’s four billion pop-up party scenes.

Guys, can I just *infer* at this point that I’m drunk and I have no idea how I’m going to make it through the last 10 minutes of this recap? I’m going to die. Leave me here. Go on. Remember my name.

As I lay dying in a snowbank, Brandi gets all up in LeeAnne’s face, wagging her finger and feeling her tiny little demons scramble all over her skin, scattering into her scalp, weaving their way through her wild raven hair as she screams herself hoarse about LeeAnne feeling better than everyone in present company.

LeeAnne spits back at Brandi to get out of her face and has the balls to poke her knobby witch’s finger into Brandi’s chest. Brandi jumps back with a jolt, rasping out victoriously, “hey! Who touched who?! WHO TOUCHED WHO.”

Who touched who indeed, we’ll ask this schlubby gawker who had the gall to capture it all on his phone, and the decorous houseguest who thoroughly condemned the whole thing:

Then both of them turn into something else, something horrifying. Something not of this world. Brandi starts snapping her arms to the house and yelling at LeeAnne to “get the fuck out,” as if this is her house because she’s been friends (wink) with Travis Hollman “for twenty fucking years!”

LeeAnne stares back at her and sways, unnerved, the fires of the Phlegethon rimming her irises and challenging Brandi with an evil thrill.

They’re like dogs met with a challenge, two beasts delighted at the prospect of doing something primal and unchained, to sink some lethal part of their body into foreign flesh and tear it apart, to feel hot metallic blood coat the back of their mouths. Meanwhile, the rest of the ladies are helpless, Clueless even?, to stop them, to hold them fruitlessly at bay and just hiss through clenched teeth to “SHTOP ITT. SHTOPP EHHHHTTTT.” But that’s not how you chain a Titan. When the Titans are unleashed, all you can do is wait for Hades to burst through the earth on his chariot and drag the whole world back into hell.

Or! You could wait for Cary to come through with a spray bottle and tss!tss!tss! until LeeAnne is sitting at a set of patio furniture by herself talking to only herself like a black woman she assumes was in that movie Friday.

Meanwhile, Brandi will go cry and talk about how she wants to kill herself, because these Titans, they have real problems that matter, ya know?

Here’s a screen grab that perfectly encapsulates A(LeeAnne) my feelings about my life in general and why I turn to reality television, and B(Cary) the self-persecution I feel when I question why I do these recaps.

It’s funny because I stopped believing in God at a frat party.

And in the end, it turns out this whole episode was a litmus test. It’s a New Yorker cartoon on this series in general. Surprise! LeeAnne’s got split personalities! Surprise! We still have these two factions, which Stephanie will “fill” the endless need to talk to, to coddle, to understand.

Surprise! Brandi’s drunk! Surprise! D’Andra likes hanging out with that more than babysitting a lunatic, so she does a keg stand and her underwear shows and caution be damned, D’Andra proves everyone wrong.

And surprise, it’s time for what we’ve been waiting for all season: the precious Housewives epilogues.

“It’s not just a phase, MOM,” says D’Andra.

I’m not even going to dignify This Asshole (stay tuned for Season 4) with a comment.

How you know you did nothing all season, courtesy Cary Deuber

LeeAnne is still grabbing ass, praying for a wedding spin-off.

Stephanie got the best send-off, I fill like:

Because as my Facebook groups and the sages agree:

And finally, there’s Brandi, who has a baby that farts.

(politely)

Sometimes this show feels so much like a frat party. Something I want to indulge in, something that will make me feel beautiful and popular and fun. Cute and funny and adorable. And sometimes this show makes me feel the opposite: debased and ashamed and stupid, questioning what I said, wondering what everyone thinks about me. In a way, this whole season, this whole show, is our biggest frat party: our time to shine, burned and smoldering into a whole drunken humiliation. God, what a farce. What a stupid enterprise. Why even do we do this?

Maybe because it feels so good. Maybe because it’s good to laugh. Maybe because when I wake up in the morning, after spending hours recapping these awful, wretched, terrible people, tangling myself in their sheets, wandering my hands over their curves and getting to know their most personal parts, I ask myself if I’d do it again.

And without fail, I always smile to myself, my pride outweighing my guilt, and say: h*ck yes I would.

We’re all just animals looking for fun, and the greatest joy in life is trampling the Serengeti in search of it. (ONE MORE LION KING REFERENCE FOR THE WIN!)

Next week: It’s the reunion! Oh god, kill me. D’Andra has a secret about LeeAnne! This Bitch and her terrible hair hate the word “society!” It has to stop! Stephanie still struggles with depression! Cary finally has an opinion! The guy who said Mark gets his dick sucked at the Round-Up was a disgruntled florist who WE NEVER MET ALL SEASON. Mama Dee makes an appearance! Brandi explains what would’ve happen if she “stoled” LeeAnne’s phone! And D’Andra tells us about how Rich really cheated!

Join me, won’t you?

Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!

Wow!  A whole new week has gone by since we “talked.”  Hope you are doing great, my little trashies.

Previously, we confirmed Vicki to be the biggest piece of shit alive.  Well, dead or alive, really.  She accused Kelly of doing coke all the time and not spending time with her daughter.  What did Kelly do to deserve such an accusation?  She implied Vicki had a fat ass.  Yes.  You read that correctly.

Vicki at her finest.

So lest you think Vicki has learned one single thing about herself in the 175 years this show has been on the air, she hasn’t.  She is MORE wretched than she was in 2006.   MisRed doesn’t watch Atlanta but I read Phaedra was fired for doing something similar?

There is, however, some “logic” behind Vicki’s accusations, that is, according to Vicki.    MisRed can’t remember where she saw this- could have been on WWHL or at the tail end of last week’s episode- sorry, my brain tries to block out all Vicki related material.  It’s for its own protection.

Vicki said because Kelly called her FAT, which, she didn’t — Yes, she might have implied that Vicki needs to check her look in the mirror, which, ahem, Kelly is NOT WRONG—is because Kelly is thin therefore she must do cocaine.  I think Vicki even said she was COMPLIMENTING Kelly.

Like Vicki, I have no evidence, unless I attempt to re-find where I saw this info, which, let’s face it, MisRed is too lazy for that.  So you will just need to take my word – Vicki either said this or MisRed made it up.

The second part of the reunion opens with Andy, uh, stating the OBVIOUS, “We took a break and I feel like there is more dissension between you and Vicki.”

I will rip her throat out in 3…2…1…

We flashback to one hour earlier, when Vicki accused Kelly of doing cocaine and of never spending time with her daughter.  Kelly says she called Michael, and he denied telling Vicki anything.  Vicki asks if Kelly expected Michael to tell Kelly the truth?

In fairness she’s drawing on her Brooks experience.

Kelly was like- Yeah, I did.  Vicki says Michael told her.

Wait, which thing- that she does cocaine or that she’s never with Jolie?

Vicki backpedals saying that Kelly is all over the place with her accusations.  LOL Oh, Vicki.  Yes, Kelly is the one who is completely out of line here.  Whatever gets you through the day.

Kelly asks for clarification?  Vicki says Michael didn’t say she did drugs- but that was a rumor that came around.  Andy says, after airing the clip, of course, to serve his own evil agenda, “That accusation really hurt Kelly.”  Vicki says, she is sorry for repeating the rumor.

Tamra, rightfully, is like “HAVE YOU NOT LEARNED ANYTHING??!!”

No, Tamra, she hasn’t.

MisRed is assuming this is rhetorical because we already know Vicki is incapable to learning or growing in any capacity.  You will recall- Vicki repeated a rumor that Eddie is gay.  She also repeated a rumor that David beat Shannon- which seems to have some evidentiary proof.  What else has she repeated?  Oh, that Slade doesn’t pay child support- Tamra was in on that one too.

Vick, all annoyed, is like “Please, Tamra.”  Oh shut the f*ck up, Vicki.

Yeah, don’t start with Vicki.  Its so hard for her.

Emily, Captain Obvious, says, “Rumors are bad.”

Shannon says that they are both as bad as each other.  Kelly tweeted Vicki was a pig and Kelly says she apologized for it.  I mean, if anything we have learned Kelly has ZERO impulse control when it comes to social media, she’s as bad as a certain President we all know.  Vicki says, “I’ve never gong publicly and hurt her ever.”

Oh right because nobody is watching this f*cking TV show, right?  Kelly is like – “Bullshit.  You said I was looking for a billionaire, you said I left a millionaire to land a billionaire.”

Vicki takes her venom to other shows.

She did, she said it on WWHL.  Andy is like.. well you both apologized so let’s move on.

So we move on to Shannon.  Andy says it’s been a tough year for Shannon- she removed her wedding ring, and she downsized into a 4,000 square foot house.  LOL.  David has moved on, she launched a food line full of oozing cream cheese.

Oooooozing all over Emily.
Which is probably preferable to The Turtle.

Shannon has gained weight and is in the process of losing it.

Shannon does look more relaxed than she has all season- maybe she’s drunk.  OR ON COCAINE?!?!  Vicki is tweeting that as we speak.

Andy wants to know about Shannon’s divorce, is it final?  We learn, No, it’s not.  Mainly because David refused to hire an attorney.   They went to court with an accountant who reviewed all of the financial documents.  Emily wants to know if it’s a forensic accountant?

Sure.  Forensics because David shot his DNA is ALL OVER the OC!

Because, and I’m not sure if you knew this, she’s an attorney.

They went to court to determine if the amount David is paying in spousal support is an appropriate amount.  Shannon says her intent- when they decided to get divorced was to NOT go to court and to split everything amicably.  Oh, did she think she was married to someone other than David?  Shannon says David didn’t hire an attorney because David thinks he can do everything better than everyone else.

Emily is like- he’s an idiot.  He doesn’t know California law or procedure and it’s probably causing a delay.  Neither does Emily’s husband, the Turtle, because he can’t pass the California Bar exam, but MisRed digresses…

Andy wants to know if David is still dating Leslie?  Shannon tenses up and says they have moved in together.  Shannon’s daughters like Lez… and Shannon is okay as long as her kids are okay.  Haha.  Can we get a lie detector on Shannon please?

Andy, it’s not nice to try to give Shannon a stroke. 

Andy says he heard a rumor from Vicki, Lez is knocked up?  Shannon is like… it’s a rumor that’s out there.  Andy asks Shannon if she knows if it’s true or any additional info.   Shannon is like “Nope.”

Andy asks all of the ladies how it feels to have their exes move on, and to possibly be pregnant with someone… Jesus Andy, twist that knife.

Kelly says Michael is dating someone and she hopes to meet her.  So she can kick her in the face.  MisRed may have added that last part.  Kelly says she hopes whoever Michael dates, she is good to Jolie.

Shannon says the one thing that has been a difficult pill to swallow is, David and Lez have moved into a VERY AFFULENT gated community in a 6 bedroom house, and Lez’s kids live with them.

This is where Shannon irritates me.  This is a privileged woman.  She has a lovely home.  She is not struggling.  She has food to put on the table.  She’s so privileged she didn’t know you had to PAY for WATER.  Yet, she is having a hard timing swallowing that her husband has moved into a nice home.   I’m sure it hurts that David is now providing for another family, but it is something that happens.  But SAY THAT.   Say it’s a difficult pill to swallow that my husband has moved on and is living with another woman and is helping to raise her children and I have to do it on my own.  These women don’t know how lucky they are.

Shannon says she asked her kids once if Lez cooked dinner, and was told Lez looked tacos one night and Shannon claims “Then I just dropped it.”   Shannon says the kids said Shannon’s quinoa bowls were much better.

WAS THERE EXTRA CHEESE?!?!?!

Shannon claims to not have needed this validation but you KNOW she grilled them on every element of those tacos.  Did she use flour or corn tortillas?  Hard or soft?  Was the meat 80% lean / 20% fat???  What brand seasoning packet did she use?  Was it OLD EL PASO??!?!?!?  Was there sour cream???  Light or full fat?  Did she have pico de gallo or did she just dump some of David’s jarred salsa backwash on top???  Did she make her own guacamole or just BUY the Wholly Guacamole mashed avocados??? DID SHE ADD CILANTRO TO THAT MASHED AVOCADO?!?!!?

Well… it got back to David that Shannon had set up an interrogation room and grilled the kids about tacos and Shannon feels like she can’t ask about anything going on at David’s.  She feels like she is walking on eggshells and she just wants to make sure the kids are okay.  Shannon says that she’s been told that she has to give her kids some space.

And look at how great that turned out?

Tamra told her to not crowd her kids and to not text them all the time.   Well, yeah, Tamra is the OC Mother of the Year.  Two out of her 5 kids, kind of, even speak to her.  Wait, does she have five kids or four kids, including The Missing Link?  Oh wait, I just remembered, I don’t give one single sh*t.   Tamra explains she pushed Sydney and texted her constantly and it backfired.  It also didn’t help that Tamra’s Insta is more important to her than her kids so…yeah, it’s understandable how the kids might not want to be involved.

Andy asks Shannon if she is dating?  Shannon says she is and it’s exciting to get out there and meet new people.  She says it’s an adjustment, but she’s been doing different things because David wasn’t the most social person, so she didn’t really go out much during their marriage.

And it feels really good to go out.  Andy is like “And David didn’t have a problem meeting other people.”  Yeah well,  David never stopped dating, … he didn’t have any adjustments to make.

A viewer says she hates the way Shannon talks about her body negatively and does she worry that it will impact her kids?  She says she tries to keep it in check, but she definitely beats herself up more than anyone on earth.  But she’s trying to do the right things.

Could you imagine if Shannon WASN’T trying to keep it in check?

Gina says it is difficult to see how much emphasis and value Shannon puts on her herself as it relates to her weight.  Shannon agrees somewhat, but she’s really just trying to figure it out.   You can tell Gina is on Shannon’s last nerve.

Andy says “Vicki apparently thinks she’s a medium and you’re an XL.”

Shannon laughs and it like – Yes.  We flashback to Vicki in her, completely age inappropriate. macramé onesie attempting to buy Shannon a t-shirt at the Jamaica outlet of Thornton Melon’s Tall and Fat.

Vicki says it was a joke- she was looking for more of a sleeping shirt because  they would never wear a shirt like that out.  Sure Vicki.  Nice try.  And PS, that tacky t-shirt looks better than 99.9% of the outfits you pick on your own, so maybe don’t knock it.  And you wear a MEDIUM shirt to sleep in?  No wonder Steve the CC is having trouble with his eyesight.

Andy asks Shannon for her reaction when she saw that and she was like- whatever. “Compared to other things that I heard, that was nothing.”  Andy congratulates Shannon on her “journey.”  Shannon says she is excited for the future.

Andy wants to review all of the bullshit that happened on their various outings:

• Tres Amigas go to Mexico and Tamra breaking her foot.
• The ropes course when Shannon tried to murder Vicki.

Please do better next time, Shannon.

• Shannon “Celebatory” dinner for her food line on QVC.
• The Golf Outing for Vicki’s 87th birthday.

Andy asks Shannon what was the most embarrassing part of Mexico? She says, when production filmed her eating tacos at a taco truck.  She had NO recollection of eating tacos that night and she was completely embarrassed.

Give the girl some tacos!!

Then Shannon heard about it from David as it relates to their divorce.  Fuck all the way off, David, you colossal DICK.

And Shannon, really?  Not when you were on camera in your spanx in the hot tub?  I mean, she really had NOTHING to be embarrassed about- she looked great, but it was the spanx that made her look ridiculous.

Tamra tells her all of this stuff is “hearsay” and it’s not admissible in court.  But is it?  I mean, it’s ON FILM, it’s not like Vicki just spreading a rumor.  Not that I think Shannon, or anyone, doesn’t deserve to cut loose and have fun on a girls’ trip.  Emily says, Shannon’s behavior on a girl’s trip isn’t relevant to a divorce or a custody battle.

Legally speaking…

Good thing we have a lawyer present.

Seriously, these women should have an attorney with them at all times.  And possibly a lion-tamer.  And maybe a snake charmer with the ability to kill, for Vicki.

We review everyone talking about Emily’s marriage after Emily had to leave the Shannon Getting Blindsided with a Matchmaker Happy Hour because Turtle was watching his own kids after coming home from work early.  The girls surmised Emily might be in a bad marriage and Turtle might be controlling.   If you will recall Shannon thought the things she was hearing about Turtle reminded of her the things that went on in her own marriage.

And remember how things got blown out of proportion when Gina told Emily about Shannon’s comments.  Gina didn’t make the comments seem anything other than what they were but Emily blew the comparison out of proportion and was completely offended.

I mean, if someone was comparing MrRed to David, I would be offended too.  But comparing Turtle to David is not a crazy comparison.  I mean, except David isn’t a total dork.  And a pussy.  And David can reach the top shelf of the refrigerator.

Comes from the Latin words abusare / abusus 

Tamra , at the golf outing, wanted to know who originally brought up the word “ABUSE?”  WE rewind… literally.  And as it turns out, Emily is the one who mentioned the word “ABUSE.”

That’s a BINGO

If you will remember that word was the crux of the issue between Shannon and Emily.  LOL.  These dumb betches.

The blame gets piled on Shannon because the situation reminded Shannon of her own marriage.

They discuss that Emily ATTACKED Shannon on the golf course.  Emily denies “attacking” Shannon and Tamra agrees it was not an attack.  Kelly says Emily did attack Shannon or possibly the better word is “schooled.” Gina then says that Shannon shouldn’t have been talking about her marriage and putting it ON Emily.

Shannon is like- why don’t we all close our mouths?

Agreed.

Gina goes after Shannon as to why she drew a comparison between Emily’s marriage and her own marriage.  Gina failed to see the correlation or comparison because she’s never, once, seen Turtle eat salsa in an aggressive manner.  Shannon asks why everything that she says has to come under review by Gina??  Gina want to know why Shannon won’t OWN it.

Actually, I’m renting it and forgot to pay the water bill.

Gina is now the “own it” police.

Emily says she doesn’t feel she attacked Shannon, she thought it was just a conversation.

Honey, you are on a “Housewives” show.  Multi-season blood feuds have been started over a tray of sprinkle cookies.  Over someone not wearing underwear.  Over a someone not thanking someone for a nutcracker.  Over Tom.

Shannon says she has been working on less reactive.

Andy is like…. how is THAT going?  LOL

Shannon claims she has really dialed back her reactiveness. We flash back to the golf club where Shannon stormed off to the bathroom after a confrontation with Emily and Tamra.  And look, we didn’t even need to go to the Jamaica footage.

Dr. Gina.

Basically, Gina is like you are lying and Shannon is NOT making improvements.  Then Shannon blames Tamra for coming AT her at the golf course.  Oh ok, so Tamra is to blame.  I mean, she probably is, but Shannon does have a difficult time NOT freaking out and making it all about herself.

Shannon tells Gina, “Why don’t you concentrate on you and not me?”

This is stupid.  I refuse to recap this nonsense.  MISRED IS TAKING A STAND.

Andy asks Tamra if Shannon is less reactive this season.

lol

Tamra is like um… uh… sure.  Shannon is like- that is not very convincing.

Tamra is just trying to avoid the turd catapult Shannon has positioned directly at her.

Andy asks if Emily is upset about the situation with Shannon comparing her marriage to Emily’s marriage?  Emily says she was upset with Tamra for blowing up the situation when they were questioning her marriage.

That’s the worst Tamra has got?

Tamra says Emily didn’t even go home  the night of the happy hour, she went out with another friend.  Nice deflection, betch.

Emily is like- no, I didn’t.  But then Emily says she was supposed to have met with Shane’s ex-wife to discuss custody- she didn’t want to say that on TV- but in the end, she had the date wrong and DID go home.

Um. who cares?

They discuss the Turtle sitch when he tossed Gina out… Emily said one thing to Gina’s face and something else to Turtle’s face. Andy wants to know why?  Um, because Emily lives under tyrannical rule and doesn’t want to wake up tomorrow living in a condo and driving a Jetta.   Gina says the Turtle never gave her an apology, but she is cool with Turtle now.  Everyone discusses the fact that Turtle is a dick, and they are like “He has walls…”  Yes, yes, his tank has walls.  We can’t just have him ROAMING around loose.

Turlte has walls.  That’s putting it mildly.  And probably, incorrectly.

Andy proceeds with Emily’s clip package.  Emily is a lawyer by day and a party planner by night who married a Persian Mormon without ever going on a first date.  They never even banged before they got married.  They review her “fertility journey.”  Her journey with her mentally ill Mom and torturing her on live TV.

And I’m going to embarrass her on TV.

Andy asks how much the visit from her Mom meant to her?  Emily hadn’t spoken to her mom in a year- she wouldn’t return her calls or texts.  Their relationship has greatly improved.

They discuss Pary- Emily feels really blessed to have Pary as a mother in law and they have a really good relationship.  We learn theTurtle is Mormon but his parents are not.

Turtle rebelled by becoming a Mormon.

He became a Mormon because his neighbors, when he was growing up, were Mormon.  Um, that’s the dumbest thing I ever heard, but whatever.

MisRed’s next door neighbors growing up with criminals and juvenile delinquents- who took my sister’s Barbie Corvette and sunk it in their pool, but look how good MisRed turned out?

Andy asks if anyone else would marry someone without boning? They wouldn’t.

Kelly is like- I need to know if he has a PhD!!!  LOL

Andy wants to know if the kids are being raised Mormon- they don’t really know.  Wow you guys are really on top of it.

They next discuss the baby box from Emily’s miscarriage and the letter from her grandma.  The other ladies were sad to see that.  It IS so sad, y’all.

Gina thought it was nice to see Turtle being more compassionate to Emily.  Wait.  That was HIM being compassionate?

Awww look, Turtle is comforting…. THE DOG.

 In the words of Ramona Singer:  Whoa.

Emily says she and The Turtle go to therapy, so he can be more affectionate.  Emily says the Turtle doesn’t like to openly show affection.  Vicki says Steve the CC is the same.

Well that’s because Steve HATES you, Vicki.

Emily says that when the cameras are off, Turtle is always grabbing at her butt, etc.  Well Jesus, he’s probably trying to pinch her and make sure she’s REAL!!?!?!  How else do you explain how he landed a beautiful woman like her in the first place??   He’s a total dork.

I mean, seriously, now, MisRed has dated a few unattractive guys.  But there was always something ELSE about them that made them super attractive to MisRed.  The first one had a killer bod- you know, for a High School kid and the second had, hands down, the funniest personality of anyone I’ve ever met.  But Turtle is unattractive, has no sock game and has a sh*tty personality. MisRed does NOT understand the appeal.

Emily says she got a fair amount of body shaming on Social Media.  She says she NEVER looked at herself as being fat or anything.  She knew she was a bigger woman- she’s 5’9” but she never viewed herself as fat.

But TONS of peoples on Social Media called her HORRIBLE things.  That sucks.  I know I’ve called Emily big, but I think I’ve always qualified it by saying I don’t think she is fat, but she- like everyone, needs to look in the mirror when choosing clothing.  And would I want to look like Emily and have her body?  HELL YEAH.

Now we get to the Tamra clip package.  Ugh.  Her broken foot, Eddie being ill with AFib, their move, blah blah blah.  Does anyone give a shit about Tamra? Her faith has been tested… yes, her particular brand of Fake Christianity has been tested.

Mom, there’s something you should know,  I am cornholio.

We see Tamra with her son Beavis and she’s so proud of him for graduating High School and actually continuing to speak to her.

Andy asks why they haven’t seen Spencer in 10 years.  As we suspected, because Simon wouldn’t sign-off on the paperwork allowing the kids to be on the show.  Spencer signed his own release this year. Tamra says her relationship with Sydney is still not good- she’s away at college- Tamra texts her but Sydney NEVER responds, but Tamra doesn’t think it’s the point of no return.   Let’s check in with this situation in 10 years and see if Sydney has texted back.

Looking in my crystal ball at Season 23

MisRed’s guess is no.

They discuss Eddie’s heart issue- they went to a top specialist and he’s much better now.  It was a longer story than that, but we don’t give a shit, as long as Eddie will be okay we don’t need to discuss.

Tamra and Eddie have sold their house because they never felt the house was home and they moved into Coto. Andy asks if she is within casserole delivering distance to Vicki?  Tamra isn’t.   Vicki says if Coto, “It’s the hidden secret of Orange County.”  Andy is like… it’s not that secret.

A viewer asks why Shannon doesn’t go to Tamra’s gym.  Shannon says she just didn’t have the time to drive to CUT fitness.   Plus warped floors are not her jam.

In September, Tamra celebrated a birthday but neither Vicki or Shannon were there.  Vicki didn’t go because Kelly was there, and Shannon wasn’t speaking to Tamra at the time.  Shannon clarifies she wasn’t invited.

Tamra says that Shannon gets pissed off at things that air on the show, etc.  and then ices people out.  Tamra offers the example of Tamra and her Mom discussing Shannon not knowing that she had to pay for water.  Tamra is like- that was a joke.  Tamra says that Shannon has texted her paragraphs and paragraphs about what a horrible person she is.

A wise woman once said:  Sayitforgetit,writeitregretit.

Tamra says that she iced Shannon out because of how Shannon treated her and her make-up artist  in New York.  I have no memory of them being in New York, do you?

Could not have been THAT great.

Andy asked what happened in New York?  Yeah, MisRed would love to know too.

OK, so basically, Tamra and Shannon went to NYC, Shannon wanted to stay at the Plaza.  Tamra took her make-up artist with her as a treat because the make-up artist’s mother is fighting cancer.  And an hour before they were supposed to be at dinner, Shannon demanded Melissa do her eye make-up and Tamra got pissed.

Vicki chimes in that the Plaza is way overpriced.  Shut up, rubber face, nobody asked you.

Shannon asks why Tamra just didn’t say “You are being selfish right now?”   Tamra says she did say that.

Ok TIME OUT.  A) Shannon is 75 years old and she needs to be told when she’s being selfish?   B) If Tamra straight up told Shannon she was being selfish, you know exactly what would happen.  Shannon would says she’s blindsided and it’s not her f*cking plate and that how she is being misjudged, blah blah blah.  So I don’t buy this- Oh, just tell me horsesh*t.  .

Seriously?  Just say “No.”   Tell Shannon Melissa is off the clock and Shannon can do her own eye make-up.  Why does MisRed have to be the brains behind this operation?

Shannon is like in full blown denial.

Tamra says that whenever she tells Shannon how she feels Shannon flips out.  Shannon says that Tamra doesn’t tell her things accurately.  So, they really aren’t good with each other.  Tamra says she gets frustrated with Shannon.

It comes out that Shannon was dating someone while they were on the show- but he treated her like crap.  Gina says it’s Shannon’s obligation to share her life and she picks and chooses what to share.

Poor Gina.  She was away from her rotten kids for a few hours…

Gina says she was excited to help Shannon get hooked up with the matchmaker and she could have been at home with her kids, and little did she know Shannon had a boyfriend all season.  Way to make it all about you, Gina.

Tamra says Shannon’s two favorite words are “Me Me Me and I I I, Poor Me, Victim Victim Victim.”

For those playing at home, that is MORE than two words.

Shannon says she felt she could LEAN on Tamra, but little did she know that it was so difficult on Tamra.  Tamra is like- I have a lot of carp in my life too- Eddie is going through these heart procedures, schlepping kids here and there. Blah blah blah.  Shannon says she HAS checked in on Eddie and Tamra does know too.  Tamra is like – Yeah, AFTER I brought it up.

Jesus.  Even Vicki has checked in on Eddie.

Andy asks if Shannon felt it was weird that Eddie became good friends with David.  Shannon says no, but Tamra says that she heard about it endlessly from Shannon about it.

I mean Tamra is a lot of things, and MisRed cannot even believe she is sticking up for Tamra, but Tamra has treated Shannon with kid gloves throughout the season.  Unless you count her constantly talking about her behind her back.  Which I could understand how Shannon could be upset about that.  But Shannon can find a reason to be upset in ANY situation, so Tamra probably can never win.

But not to be forgotten, Tamra has had her share of flip-outs.

Net/Net they really aren’t good with each other.  Tamra says she gets frustrated with Shannon this season.  No sh*t.   .

If the shoe fits… 

Andy asks if Shannon felt it was weird that Eddie became good friends with David.  Shannon says no, but Tamra says that she heard about it endlessly from Shannon.  MisRed can completely buy that.

Next week- Vicki twerks.  Gina and Shannon fight AGAIN.

Tamra and Gina fight.  Vicki states that “Depression isn’t a mental illness.”

Proving she’s not only a piece of sh*t but a STUPID piece of sh*t

Gina and Kelly address the fact that Turtle is a dork and a pussy.

Kelly channels The Turtle

Tamra says Shannon is a master manipulator.

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You guys, what is going on with this show? I thought we had hope with last week’s fun episode but this week was a bit lame. Let’s get to it.

Porsha’s mom, Storm Sr., is meeting Dennis for the first time. Porsha’s doubling down on this repurposed McDonald’s uniform look from last week’s party. They’re at one of Dennis’ hookah bars showing off their matching tattoos and IQ levels. They talk about how controlling Kordell was and Diane is relieved that this guy will let she and Porsha eat all the greasy foods they want on his white couches.

Cynthia, Marlo, Kandi and NeNe meet for lunch and Marlo is in a full sequined Met gala jumpsuit in the middle of the day. Kandi reveals that Dennis just broke up with a girl about a month ago and buys all of his women Rolex watches.

“He’s got a Rolex guy? I wonder what I could get for this wedding ring.”

They all agree to keep this info from Porsha because it will not go over well.

Eva and her mom go wedding dress shopping. Unless her mom tries to assault a member of the bridal party with an old lady shoe – I’m not interested. Eva tries on a bunch of gowns and her mom is super opinionated. Her mom eloped and Eva only has brothers so this is a big deal. They eat lunch and Eva cries because her mom wants to invite extra people to the wedding. Her mom pulls the “I’m your mother, don’t talk back” card and Eva has to leave the table to finish crying in the bathroom. When I cry, it almost always means I want to say or do things that would get me stoned in some countries and arrested in others. Also, I’ll be damned if I push two humans out of my body and get shushed by anyone. Her mother is shoveling food in her mouth like she’s getting paid by the bicep curl and doesn’t even bother to look up, never mind comfort her daughter. Eva returns and apologizes for having feelings; her mother apologizes for having such a weak daughter.

Shamari tells Ronnie that all of the women know about their open relationship now. He’s not crazy about everyone knowing their business but their marriage is stronger since then anyway. Shamari says that her outside relationship was “more deeper” than any of Ronnie’s were.

She did not date an English teacher.

NeNe and Gregg have a vegan chef come over to make green smoothies and other healthy foods. It seems to be a simple scene but it seems that after production left, they get a call from the dcotor’s office. They tell him that tumor cells have returned and they strongly suggest chemo. Gregg is relying on his faith and wants to think about treatment.

Shamari and Ronnie are hosting the twins’ birthday party. Marlo brings her nephew who she probably rented from the Bailey Agency. Kandi brings Ace and tells Todd to put $100 each in the kid’s cards. I need to have a baby or six so I can invite Kandi to their birthday party – and steal their cards. Porsha declined the invite immediately and Shamari wonders why she’s being standoffish since they went to school together for years. Poor Shamari…anyone who survived hearing Porsha read aloud durning her formative years deserves a medal.

The women discuss the shade towards Shamari’s outfit at the Bailey-que. Kandi says that Eva started it. When Eva arrives, they bring up the issue and she backpedals faster than Kim Zolciak at a DWI checkpoint.

Later, Kandi meets with Donjuan and Todd to discuss business. FYI, business is pronounced poor-shuh.  Donjuan and Todd maintain that she should stay out of this but someone from the lunch told Porsha what Kandi said about Dennis and he began calling his exes trying to figure out who said what.

Kandi, Cynthia, Cynthia and Porsha meet to try wines for a business that Cynthia is starting. They play nice for a while until Porsha and Kandi confront each other regarding Dennis. Everyone denies giving Porsha the information but Porsha herself reveals that NeNe told her. Basically, Porsha doesn’t want to hear any of the stories. She doesn’t mind being one of many tattooed names on his body and reveals that she’s now one of them. They’re all shocked that he has her name on him already. Porsha insists that he’s been single fora  while and Kandi says that she’s just concerned that this is his M.O. Porsha says that it all seems negative. She’s in a committed relationship and that’s that.

Sorry guys, not too much going on this week. Next week, Kandi and Porsha meet again one on one. Cynthia babies Noelle and a new girl ruffles feathers. I’m sure that Marlo will be the one wearing them. What’d you think? Love you for reading and commenting!

Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us onFacebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!

KILL … ME …

I love watching reunions. I hate recapping them. But I made a sacred duty to the Gods of Talent – back when they cursed me with the two things I was good at: doodling things at work and talking about assholes on TV. For one, I make pointless art in my office space, and for the other, I do this. And so tonight I rise, to talk about self-doubting alcoholic women (alcoholics, them all, I care not what they say) for you, dear reader.

Ugh. [chugs a shot of vodka] Let’s do this.

First let me start out by whining that I lost the bet I made to myself: I got the couch order wrong! Here was my original prediction:

Cary – Brandi – D’Andra — ANDY — LeeAnne – Stephanie – This Bitch

And here’s what we got:

I guess I was expecting Brandi and Stephanie’s differing alliances with D’Andra and LeeAnne respectively to blow up a little more than it did, but that also means I was underestimating their solid, unshakable love that is built on nothing but wines and scatological humor. Damn, though, It’s really shocking to see Stephanie sitting at the end of the couch. She deserves better, don’t you think?

Second, let’s review the FASHUN. It’s not as horribly bizarre or offensive as the last reunion I had to recap, but nevertheless, on I soldier. Here are the lewks, from best to worse. In all honesty, none of them are actually *bad* (not Potomac Bad, at least). They’re all just pretty. Boring and glittery and pretty. Coordinated nothingness.

1. Stephanie

Stephanie followed that tried and true Atlanta rule of dressing in a nude sparkly thing and it’s gorgeous. It works for her. She looks like a really expensive piece of depressed cheesecake, like if I take a bite out of her I’m guaranteed to have sex tonight, and then cry prettily into my lover’s arms about how deeply I doubt myself. This is also probably an apt time to admit that I find Stephanie unspeakably beautiful, and probably the most breathtakingly gorgeous Housewife, or woman, that Bravo has ever put on its airwaves.

2. LeeAnne

LeeAnne has pretty hair. She is my favorite Housewife of all time, even if she is infuriating and highly bad as a human being. She kept it simple, stupid, for this reunion, and for that she was rewarded with a great couch edit (though it bears mentioning that it’s also a great cut when she’s standing). There’s a science to what you wear on these things. They have to look good even when you’re slacking back into the sofa or charging forward with a manicured fingernail, and LeeAnne’s dress did her good.

That collarbone could cut into next Tuesday

3. Brandi

Brandi’s hair is almost like an accessory in and of itself: with its brazen auburn waves combined with her cat-like features, Brandi can wear any color and make her outfit look like a bunch of crusty jewels nestled within a geode. She dialed it up to an eleven with this cheap yet playful blue mini dress and her signature cheerleader-friendly high pony. I will say she lost points for overdrawn lip gloss or Botox a little too close to filming or both.

4. D’Andra

D’Andra is such a fucking fan of ugly, overwhelming blazers, and for that I wish I could shake her. But, that’s her brand I guess, and as we’ve learned, when she goes to something she GOES WITH IT. I guess that explains this Elvis Presley showstopper, which – despite my cynicism – does look amazing paired with a sexy lace bra underneath plus that amazing hair that won’t quit. It’s just the matching pants that I can’t forgive. Like, this whole thing could have been classed up to a million if she paired it with black leggings and a pair of matching suede booties. Preferably ones that she could have whipped off and stabbed LeeAnne in the eye with.

5. Cary

Next to Stephanie, Cary is easily (easily, and I know I’m going to hell for saying that because I’m shaming women’s looks) the most stunning Housewife. Third is Gizelle, if you’re wondering, however, Gizelle falls out of the league with her unforgivably catastrophic clothes. Because listen, being stunning does not save you from terrible style. Cary’s dress was okay enough until I realized it had these inexplicable tassels hanging off of it?

It’s like she took the shreds that my cat tore out of Monique’s bizarre maternity gown and attached it to her sleeve. And then puked rhinestones all over them. It Is Bad.

6. This Bitch

Of course. This Bitch is dressed like Sex Worker Skipper. She looks like an empty and jaded cocktail waitress at a lounge on the Las Vegas Strip in 1972. I wonder what she was running from. I wonder if that skin-tight sequined pink tube from the Halloween store makes her feel beautiful, like her mama never could. This Bitch has terrible big hair and practically creams herself when Andy tells her she looks like Nicole Kidman. WHY DID YOU DO THAT, ANDY. WHY. This Bitch does not look like Nicole Kidman, she looks like that old madam from that HBO documentary about a brothel, but with none of the humor or charm or experience. This Bitch is the living worst.

[special thanks to Good Tea for the full-body screencaps]

We also got about three initial minutes of that awful filler Bravo does before reunions now, where they tape the Housewives looking like hungover albino Frankensteins walking into the shooting location at 6 am with no makeup:

It’s kind of like the end of a Scooby Doo episode, where Andy rips off the mask of a Housewife and goes, “jinkies! Mr. Carbuncle! It was you the whole time! Tell us why you haunted your own novelty joke shop!”

Anyway, like I’ve said on every. single. damn. reunion recap I’ve ever done, reunions are the bane of my fucking existence. They’re one 45-minute-long fight with no direction or cohesion or sense, and they don’t even offer me the forgiveness of a few 10-second transition shots or derpy music. They make me feel like a professional organizer walking into a hoarder’s home. Like, sure, I can sort through your room of musty baseball cards, but first we need to get rid of your two-foot carpet of adult diapers. There’s too much shit and other bio-hazardous waste here to even think straight.

So I’m going to try as best I can to plot this into subject matter. And I’m going to try to be as articulate as I can, but trust me, it’s still going to read like an acid trip written in Cyrillic.

But before they begin, Andy asks LeeAnne to lead them in with a “meditation prayer.” What is a meditation prayer? you may ask. Oh, it’s just LeeAnne singing “bong” in a really long note.

Even so, everyone cooperates:

Well, almost everyone.

OMG I love when I find a Featured Image for the recap this early in the episode 

There’s a segment where they get the “fun” stuff that’s not worth fighting over out of the way, and ugh, who cares. They talk about Callie Roo, This Bitch’s bad pronunciation (which she chalks up to her “Southern Valley accent,” whatever that means), and vaginal rejuvenation (surprise! it works, and per Cary, makes everything “slippier”).

The Queen Bee

One thing these reunions are good for is breaking the third wall and getting the Housewives to talk about “the show” and filming and the behind-the-scenes machinations they design to both stay on the show and protect (or grow) their perimeter of fame. We find out why LeeAnne and D’Andra’s fight in Beaver Creek about who was “queen bee” was off-camera: it was really about who carries The Real Housewives of Dallas. LeeAnne says that it all started when D’Andra told her the ladies wouldn’t have a show without her. LeeAnne counters on the couch that D’Andra didn’t even join until Season 2, after the cast spent a whole season “sacrificing” to get to that point. LOLOLOLOL. D’Andra bites back that LeeAnne has just been in some rag calling RHOD “her” show and insisting that all the story lines lead back to her. Which… isn’t wrong. D’Andra sarcastically moans that LeeAnne is the “gift that keeps on giving.” LeeAnne sings out, “I am the G-I-F that keeps on giving!”

Again, she’s not wrong.

I give you the second hit on a Google Image search of LeeAnne dot gif

What’s extra interesting in this conversation is Andy butting in to defend the egotistical nature of being a Housewife, conspicuously but unintentionally coming to LeeAnne’s defense and proving to us that LeeAnne IS the Queen Bee. This show, truly, in Andy’s roundabout words, would be nothing without her.

D’Andra’s Big Secret

D’Andra’s Big Secret About LeeAnne – the one that was teased so salaciously in the trailer for this reunion – is that LeeAnne told her, before D’Andra joined the show, that Cary planned to fat shame D’Andra the same way she fat shamed Mark in the first season. Cary. Loses. Her god damn mind. She insists that she would never fat shame another person, including her own husband. Cut to the Bravo Instant Replay Cam Sponsored By Allstate where we see Cary fat shaming Mark in the first season. LeeAnne predictably insists that she never said such a thing while Cary flails her stupid arm tassels around screaming and spewing and tearing antlers off the wall and throwing them at the camera. She’s more upset that D’Andra would believe such a thing than she is at LeeAnne for even saying it. Protest too much, she doth. Also, whether or not D’Andra’s lying like LeeAnne says (she’s not), I think it’s weird that this is like the 432nd time this season that D’Andra’s called herself fat. D’Andra, please be nice to my friend D’Andra, kay?

During all of this, Andy tries to ask a question about Brandi and D’Andra reuniting. As D’Andra sits there on the couch going BLA BLA BLA in answer to his question, Cary is still raging with her bad sparkle fringe. “I’d NEVER do that!” she hisses to This Bitch next to her, tearing a pillow apart and eating its stuffing. “NEVER! [nomnomnom] I DIDN’T FAT SHAME MY HUSBAND! [holds up a picture of the Pope, tears it in half]” Eventually, while LeeAnne starts talking about how she doesn’t trust Brandi and feels “protective” of D’Andra, Cary calms down. Her chest heaving, blood dripping down from her mouth, staining her dress. Andy darts his eyes around and tries to ignore the stench of feral hunger steaming to his left.

Baby Bashing

Every time these women say “bashing a baby” I think of someone violently throwing an infant against a wall.

Andy recalls the fight that Stephanie and This Bitch had in Beaver Creek after This Bitch – in Stephanie’s words – made Brandi’s covert adoption of Bruin “all about herself.” This Bitch squeaks out some words and everyone tells her she’s wrong. This Bitch tries to gain some moral purchase by bizarrely telling Stephanie that she was wrong to “make fun of fertility issues” by lying about her “sarah-gacy” at Bruin’s debut party. Bitch, what the fuck are you talking about? Stephanie told you a white lie for TEN MINUTES to get you and your ugly Nancy Reagan blouse off her case and you act like she’s cracking jokes about the Holocaust. Shut up.

Stephanie is Depressed

That’s all. She talks about it and it’s brave and there’s no use recapping it because it makes me feel like this:

It’s Time to Talk About LeeAnne

We get a montage all about LeeAnne, her wedding plans, her stupid Transformer dress, and her big sexy rock hard oversized amygdala. She announces that she’s seeing two therapists, but won’t name them despite Brandi’s challenge to, because of their “privacy” (which is rich considering half of LeeAnne’s scenes in Season 2 featured her fucking therapist, on camera). We also learn during this segment that all of the sudden Cary and D’Andra hate each other? and LeeAnne has a FRIEND NAMED TIFFANY. The Bravo editors find this very important because reunions are all about outing people with whom LeeAnne associates (see: therapist note above).

I think we’re alone now
(that was a Tiffany joke, for all you zygotes scratching your soft baby heads)
(and yes, I do believe this Tiffany and the mall-singing Tiffany are the same person)

Cary and D’Andra open their mouths and bees fly out for a few minutes. I don’t know what the bees were yelling about but it was fun to watch!

“Patient Zero”

That gets Andy’s attention back on Cary, so he sprays some Off! into the studio and all the ladies cough and sputter and fall limp into the sofas, passing out for four minutes. When they wake up, Andy asks Cary how she can be friends with the indomitable woman who started the “Dick Sucked At The Round-Up” rumors about her own husband (um, who WOULDN’T be friends with that woman). Cary chooses her words horribly when talking about gay men and confesses that the “patient zero” of the rumors was a disgruntled ex-florist of hers and not a promiscuous French flight attendant who had some fun in West Africa. (ohmygod sorry I hate myself)

Sponsored by AT&T

D’Andra mutters to Brandi that this story is “the most concocted bullshit” she’s ever heard, so Cary bites back that D’Andra’s spread the same rumors in Cary’s own home. D’Andra denies this so Cary BREAKS OUT THE RECEIPTS. Whipping out a cell phone to read texts are on the Housewife Reunion Bingo Card, so take a shot now.

Obviously, as Cary had initially claimed, the text in question disparages both Cary and D’Andra’s new BFF Brandi, so D’Andra denies that she ever sent it. I mean, that’s a bold-faced lie of LeeAnne’s caliber: it’s right there in the text, and I don’t expect Cary to have the knowledge to manipulate a text in her own phone. Unless of course she just renamed the contact and had someone send it to h– … ya know what. I’ve had a cheating boyfriend who I needed to take care of and I know way too much about text receipts than I care to reveal. Suffice to say that Cary is telling the truth, OK.

D’Andra shoves her phone in Andy’s face to prove that the message doesn’t exist; Andy counters with DUH GIRL YOU COULD’VE JUST DELETED IT. And that, ladies, is why you keep every message your cheating shitheel of an ex-boyfriend sends you, even if they’re embarrassingly filthy and even if your company owns the device. That’s advice from me to you, free of charge.

This Bitch starts bouncing up and down in her seat, screeching out that they should “call AT&T” for some hilarious reason. “Hi yes, AT&T? This is This Bitch. Can you please send a notarized letter to my work right now – I’m at 123 Reunion Avenue, yes, in the Reunion Taping Suite  – confirming that you got this typo-laden text from D’Andra Simmons and sent it to my device and can you also please confirm it with your magical cell phone DNA? Oh, how formidable. Thank you kindly. Please send my butler the invoice. Ta, dear.”

Andy waves his hands in the air and moans that they’re not calling AT&T:

AT&T’s social media intern – an adorable, feather-haired gay guy, rosy and breathless and unexpectedly loving his first job out of college – rushes to Twitter:

@Andy, u up? Let’s talk #RHODreunion #RHOD

— AT&T (@ATT) December 6, 2018

LeeAnne is Gud

Wanting to avoid a legal quagmire with AT&T, Andy quickly switches topics to salivate all over LeeAnne. He first praises her Megatron dress, admitting that he’s “seen a lot of Housewives products, and this one is the best.” It’s a sentiment, if you’ll recall, that I agree with. That dress is a design that is boring at best and terrible at honestly, and of course I’d never buy it, but it’s so on-brand with the Real Housewives and it was tailor-made for the QVC crowd (Andy even asks if she’s selling it there). It is a flammable nightmare of what Dayton, Ohio would call fashion, but god dam if LeeAnne didn’t see a target and hit it.

Stephanie “fills” like LeeAnne is a good person who only turns into a snarling demon from the seventh circle of hell after you “push and push and push,” which for LeeAnne is like, telling her not to shout in a place of worship.

LeeAnne is Bad

Brandi thinks that LeeAnne is bad. Andy recounts their fight from last week’s finale, and everyone agrees that Brandi was “getting in LeeAnne’s face,” but Andy correctly (and gingerly) points out that LeeAnne was “hissing” at Brandi “like a cobra.”

Andy reminds Brandi and LeeAnne that they started out the season as friends, so what happened? The cast all mumbles rightly that it might have been LeeAnne coming to D’Andra to warn her about Brandi, not so subtly starting rumors about Brandi being an alcoholic while Brandi was under the microscope of trying to adopt a baby. Brandi angrily adds that LeeAnne was drunk when she did all of that.

There’s not a lot of clarity as to how Brandi knows this, but Brandi said that she wanted to confront LeeAnne about it at the rodeo when they were both sober. This Bitch hilariously asks how Brandi could have been sober at the rodeo after she had done two beer bongs.

LOL. Two beer bongs = two beers, and as Brandi admits, over eight hours that’s not enough to put a flea to sleep. Seriously, I could do two beer bongs, read a book on brain surgery, and then rewire a paraplegic’s noodle to make him walk for the first time in his life. But it’s nice to be reminded of what a fucking Mormon This Bitch is.

Nipplegate

Thanks to the Mormon over here, diligently minding the FCC’s Standards & Practices, this nonsense happens:

I like how Andy was VERY INVESTED in checking

Alcoholi[slams face into keyboard]

If I witness one more conversation about alcoholism on a Real Housewives reunion it’s going to be too soon. I fucking hate this shit. Buh bluh bluh, Andy asks LeeAnne what she thinks makes Brandi an alcoholic, and LeeAnne tells some story about charity events and Ubers and nothing important whatsoever, insisting that she only used the word “alcoholic” once this season and “she didn’t attach it to anyone’s name.” Andy and Brandi take LeeAnne to task over the whole “sophistication” bullshit (pointing to when LeeAnne interviewed that Brandi’s not “sophisticated enough” to be an alcoholic). Stephanie cuts in in her meek, neutralizing way to educate LeeAnne on what inferring means, explaining to her that while she spends a whole season swearing she doesn’t think Brandi has a “drinking problem,” constantly setting off dog whistles about Brandi’s consumption, it MAKES IT LOOK LIKE LEEANNE THINKS BRANDI HAS A DRINKING PROBLEM. Andy grabs LeeAnne by the top of her arm and goes, apologize, or we’re not going to O’Charleys and getting ribs after this, so LeeAnne mutters out, rrrmph grmmph mrrrph I’m genuinely sorry, BRANDI.

ribs, think of those sugary ribs

A Blinking Red Light

Someone close to my hometown (Rockville, Maryland BAYBEE) wrote in to catch LeeAnne on a lie she wrote in her blog (that she recorded her conversation with Dee at the cooking lesson), and LeeAnne admits that while she lied about that, she does record her phone conversations. The entire cast, including LeeAnne’s couch of allies, is aghast at this confession.

Because it’s a little

And that’s it. Holy shit, I finished this recap in three hours, can I have a medal? I feel bruised and bloody and covered in glitter. I collapse at your feet, my vorpel in hand, the Hydra half slain. With just another week to go.

Next week: We talk about Mark’s tiny dick, This Bitch being a doormat, Dallas society, Brandi stoled-ing LeeAnne’s phone, the Rich infedility rumors, and more. And to be honest with you, I couldn’t give a nat’s ass wrapped around a rain barrel. Fuck, what is a rain barrel?

Still, I hope you’ll join me.

Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!

You know, Andy Cohen is really going to be burning in hell for making us- not only sit through an almost entirely- HORRIBLE season- but then 3 hours of reunion horribleness.  I’M TRIGGERED.

Where were we?  Poised to jump off a cliff?  Yeah, I thought so.

On the previous 37 parts to this reunion, Gina was upset with Shannon for not sharing EVERYTHING about her life with the public.  Specifically, Gina is upset Shannon was dating someone during the season and didn’t tell anyone.  Gina spent an evening with Shannon getting hooked up with a matchmaker, when she could have been at home with her rotten kids… or painting crappy inspirational signs or sitting in her sad little casita.  <drink>.

It’s rich that Gina is scolding someone for not being completely open when we’ve never even seen a photo of her husband.

Gina and one of the only existing photos of Big Foot, I mean Meeeaaaaaattttt Kirschenheiter. 

So… yeah.

To bring you up to speed, Tamra isn’t really talking to Shannon so much these days.  Kelly currently hates Vicki, as does the 98.9% of the audience.   Shannon claims to be LESS reactive these days.  LOL  Shannon is so funny.  I’ve met cobras who are less reactive.

Let’s see what foolishness is served up tonight.

Andy immediately serves up a Kelly clip package saying Kelly may have started the year by down-sizing but by the end of the season, Kelly got PhD.  Pretty huge Dick.

What girl doesn’t want to go for her PhD?

We see Kelly dating The Milk Man, and the creepy doctor, blah blah blah, the dude with the PhD.   Andy asks Kelly how things are with Michael?  At the end of the season it seems they were getting along well.  Kelly says Michael doesn’t love seeing Kelly dating and making out with dudes on TV.

A viewer says Kelly dumped a doctor the because he didn’t buy her sunglasses- what is behavior like this teaching Jolie?  Kelly says she’s very generous but when people are cheap with her she doesn’t like it.  Emily says Kelly felt the dude wasn’t being chivalrous.  Kelly says this wasn’t the only problem – he was also “old as mold.”  Oh, so, roughly Vicki’s age?

Kelly says Michael is dating someone seriously.  We learn, of course Vicki has met her.

But I haven’t talked to Michael in 6 months…

But wait, I thought she hadn’t seen or spoken to Michael?  Once again… Vicki lies.

Andy says Vicki has chastised Kelly about sharing too much with Jolie, but hasn’t Vicki done the same with her son, Michael?  Vicki says it’s a matter of age.  Yeah, but Michael is still human- he doesn’t want to hear about Vicki wanting to be pork’d four times a day.  Isn’t he likely scarred enough having Vicki for a mother, he doesn’t need to be forced to think of her as a woman.

Apparently, Shannon set Kelly up with someone but Kelly says he argues with her too much and she needs someone quiet.  Eh, something tells me Kelly likes the battle. Fight and make-up.  Fight and make-up.

We review Eddie’s birthday party, Kelly tried to make amends with Steve the CC, but it ended up in a blow-out.  Kelly thinks Steve has no business talking to Page Six about her, so she confronted him about it and then The Turtle took some shrapnel.

King of Snaaaaaarkasm

The Turtle told Kelly she was drunk and so she called him a dork and a pussy and a little bitch.

Well, he threw a bomb and she threw a nuke… you were warned. 

And then Emily threatened to kill Kelly.

Is this considered a reasonable threat?

Just another day at the office.

Emily feels the situation was disproportionate.  Turtle accused Kelly of being drunk and accused her of having a bad personality.  And Kelly came back at him with both guns-blazing.

Gina says the situation made Kelly look bad, and Kelly says she doesn’t really care.  Kelly says Turtle name-called her.  LOL.  He just said she was drunk.  The name-calling specialist in this situation is Kelly.  Kelly tells Emily to get her bitch under control.

Kelly Dodd, National Treasure.

Emily is like the fight was disproportionate and Andy says that Emily threatened to kill Kelly.   Kelly says that it’s against the law to threaten to kill someone.

Emily says it’s only a threat when the other person legitimately believes the other person will kill them.  Kelly says she DID feel that Emily WOULD kill her- Kelly watches Snapped.  LOL.

Tee Hee

Then Shannon pipes in and says Emily SAID it AND needed to be restrained. Emily tells Shannon to stay out of it.  Emily is getting pissed.

Andy asks Kelly why she kept telling Emily to “hit me?”  Kelly says because she wanted to hit Emily right back.

This is the dumbest thing ever.  The Turtle is a little bitch.  Case closed.  MisRed has spoken.  ‘

Emily says she regrets her actions and Gina said Emily was embarrassed.  Tamra asks Gina why she always talks for Emily?  It seems like Gina likes to talk for everyone lately.

Andy asks Kelly why she continues calling The Turtle a dork and a bitch?  Kelly says Emily makes excuses for him.  Tamra agrees- if you have to repeatedly tell people your friends your husband is funny and sarcastic- that is a problem.  Frankly, I don’t find The Turtle to be funny.  Or sarcastic.  He just seems like a miserable, emotionless f*ck.  Emily deserves better.

Shannon says she didn’t really know what to think about The Turtle.  Emily says, if you want to be friends with her you can’t call The Turtle names.  Kelly is like… eh ok.    I get the feeling Kelly doesn’t really even consider Emily a worthy opponent.

Andy wants to dive into Jamaica.  Oh good.  Because it was so much fun the first time around and the 5 rehashes we’ve been through since.

Andy says that Nana Vicki loves to twerk.   Hang on, MisRed needs her Red Rider BB Gun.

Fear not, these sheets were burned immediately. 

We flashback to Jamaica and we review Tamra and Vicki jockeying for the best room, licking the pillows and Vicki “pretending” to fart on the pillows.  These two really are a couple of class acts.

We see Tamra “accidently” showing her tits for the 790^th time.  MisRed is numb to them at this point.

And then we get a review of Vicki’s twerking exploits.

As a nation, and possibly as a planet, we thank you, Briana.

Ew.

Oh soooooorrrrrrry, sorrrrrry, better luck next time.

And Emily doing a face plant off the trampoline.  LOL.  Seriously, Emily face-planting off the trampoline was the highlight of the season.

Yeah, I’d like to know that too. 

Andy asks Vicki what possessed her to wear some of these crazy outfits in Jamaica… like the ones that were completely see-through?  Vicki says she’s never going to wear her macramé outfits again.  THANK YOU, JESUS.  But she says Kelly is the one who told her to wear that crap.

HellNoyonce

MisRed would like to think Kelly did this to make Vicki look even MORE foolish than she already does.

Then Vicki blames Tamra for making her twerk.  Of course, everything is always somebody else’s fault.  Who does she blame for Brooks?  Oh Donn.  That’s right.  He wasn’t filling her love tank.

Kelly says Shannon and Tamra are co-dependent, Eddie says Tamra enables Shannon.  All these arm chair psychiatrists, it’s a wonder everyone’s relationships are so jacked up.  We review Tamra talking about Shannon and how selfish she is and how Shannon is not there for Tamra.  Tamra says it’s so exhausting supporting Shannon sometimes.

Tamra makes herself the victim in all of this.  So, we have Vicki the Victim, Shannon the Victim and Tamra the Victim.  UGH.

This is Shannon, literally, everyday.

Shannon says she has truly appreciated the support Tamra has given her.  Shannon has been going through a dark, tough time, but Tamra, herself, was in a really bad place with Eddie’s health.  Tamra saying she didn’t really even realize how dark things in her own life were because she was so focused on Shannon.

Yes, Tamra, you are so selfless.

They argue back and forth over the support Tamra has shown, coupled with the talking behind her back, etc.  Shannon says she doesn’t want to suck the life out of people.

Right, this was just a lucky side-effect.

Shannon explains she was really fine for the first day in Jamaica, she was laughing on the beach and in the salt room and she even got up on the dance floor on a sprained ankle… blah blah blah… but then when she got the news that her house was sold, her spirits began to plummet.

And you are only one season in…

Gina is like… YOU ARE EXHAUSTING.  Why does everything need such a huge explanation?  Why do you always have to say you did this in spite of this other problem you were having????!?!?!?!?

Well that’s Shannon’s personality.

Shannon says it was very hard for her to lean on people, and she thought Tamra was so supportive, but she didn’t realize it was so draining on Tamra.

You aren’t the only one who can be a passive aggressive betch! 

Tamra is like- “Don’t you flip this on me.  You are making me look bad.”  Yeah!  Tamra can make herself look like a horrible person without anyone’s help!!

Tamra says that it made her feel bad that Shannon doesn’t check on Eddie when he was undergoing his procedures or come see Tamra’s new house.

Shannon says she was just trying to explain a little more about her.  Emily says that Shannon controls the relationship = when she needs Tamra she is constantly calling her, but when she doesn’t need Tamra, she ices her out.

Andy wants to know why Shannon was so against going on anti-depressants.  Shannon says the discussion of anti-depressants occurred after a volatile episode.   Shannon said she would have handled the suggestion of medication had been done on a more one on one situation.

Maybe.  But what fun would that have been for us?

Shannon says she was drunk when she got to the dinner, she and Vicki had been drinking in the room prior to leaving for dinner.  Gina says “EXCUSE!”

Gina says Shannon has been a crappy friend to her, Shannon ignored Gina for 4 months.   And Gina doesn’t like to be disrespected.  Shannon says she just doesn’t like Gina.

I START friendships Miss 34 year old!!

Gina is like Why?  Shannon says Gina hasn’t been nice to her and has been judgmental.  The first night Shannon met Gina, Shannon says she was “literally screaming in my ear” at Vicki about breaking Girl Code.

We get a flashback and okay, Gina was seated next to Shannon and yes, she speaks ACROSS Shannon, but she isn’t exactly “screaming.”  Sure, she’s from New York, so she talks a little louder than most people, but she wasn’t screaming.

This is stupid.   Vicki did break Girl Code.  Vicki breaks most rules of good behavior.  Shannon didn’t talk to Vicki for years.  Now that Shannon needs support, she has allowed Vicki back into her life.

Andy asks Shannon if she just doesn’t like Gina and Emily because they are new?  Shannon is like- yeah, probably.  Shannon claims there are other factors but doesn’t elaborate.   Vicki admits she has “I hate new girl syndrome” too.

Something to REALLY be proud of, there, Icki.  Great. Who cares?

Andy asks Vicki how going on anti-depressants helped her when she was getting divorced?  She says it helped her to function and to be able to get to work in the morning.  She had to update her policies on Donn, and on any of the new women Donn was dating, etc.

Shannon says she has friends who have taken anti-depressants and it’s helped and then she has other friends who have taken them and wound up like a zombie.  Shannon says it was her choice to stay home for six months, and to experience the pain and to process it.  That was her way of coping with the divorce.

Yeah, she’s REALLY coping, isn’t she?

With the women suggested she take an anti-depressant, Shannon felt attacked.  Shannon felt like they were saying that she can’t handle her life- and she is a mess.

Uh, if the dumpster fire fits…

Tell me about your mother….

Tamra Freud jumps in and says, “Is this was something that David had said to you?”

Shannon says, “All the time.”  Andy is like… so it was a bit of a flashback?  Shannon gets upset, almost like she’s having an epiphany and says Tamra just hit a nerve.

Andy is like “Ohhhh so that’s why you’ve been acting like an escapee from the insane asylum since the first moment we met you.”  MisRed may have embellished Andy’s statement.

Andy says both Vicki and Gina accused Shannon of self-medicating with alcohol.  And Tamra has said the same.  The girls agree that they have all self-medicated to cope.  Gina says that she is not one to judge, and she’s also going through a rough time, so she understands it’s difficult.

.

Shannon says it hurts that the ladies consider Shannon to have “Rich Girl Problems.”  Shannon says Kelly called David a saint for dealing with Shannon.

Shannon says it was so hurtful because she had just seen Kelly being upset for Vicki “favoring” Michael in the Kelly / Michael divorce and that made her feel like Kelly was favoring David.  Kelly says it was just a reaction and she didn’t choose her words wisely and she in no way has taken David’s side.

Tamra asks if Shannon is just going to ice her out again?  Tamra says she values their friendship and kind of misses Shannon’s phone calls complaining.

Shannon says she talks to her therapist every day because she felt like Jamaica was like a feeding frenzy on her.  Seriously, how long ago was Jamaica and Shannon is still talking to her therapist DAILY about the trip?  Shannon was afraid to talk to Tamra because she doesn’t want their friendship to be destroyed.  Tamra apologized for talking to other people about her feelings about Shannon, but she didn’t feel she could express her feelings to Shannon.  Tamra says Shannon gets so defensive and maybe that’s because of all of her years with David. Shannon says David told her every day of her marriage, she was selfish and an alcoholic and crazy and those were the three things she was hearing from Tamra.

Andy says- oh, it made you go back to the place where David was saying these things to you.

Vicki is like “She was triggered.  She was triggered.”

Ok, so you know Vicki’s storyline next year will be all about her being “triggered.”   Well Vicki looks a little like Trigger, so why not?

Yesssssss, I see it now.

Shannon says she appreciates everyone’s patience with her.  Tamra says she misses her friendship with Shannon and her nutty phone calls.

When they came back from Jamaica, things spilled over- Gina told Shannon that Tamra was talking about Shannon’s mental health.  Tamra, of course, found out and got into it with Gina. Gina says Shannon had called her saying she was going to lose custody of her kids, so Gina felt compelled to tell Shannon the things that were being said about her.   This led to Shannon calling Gina a shit-stirrer.  Andy asks if Gina had planned to tell Shannon about everything that the girls had been saying about her or if it happened in the moment.  Gina said she felt bad for Shannon that nobody was taking care of Shannon after her eye surgery, so she just told her how shitty all her friends are.

How DARE she say such things in front of ARRRRRCHIE!!!

Gina says she felt badly about that and wanted to make sure Shannon was okay… so she told her all her friends think she’s crazy and calls the tailor over to fit her with a straitjacket.

Gina said she isn’t a shit-stirrer.  A few of the women disagree.  Shannon says she felt played by Gina.  Gina says Shannon felt that this stuff could impact her custody case… then Shannon says she never said anything about custody, she only mentioned she was going through a divorce.  Gina says Shannon is an open book of bullshit.

With a herbed cream cheese filling!!

Shannon says Gina is ridiculous, and Gina went to “The Deck” and told blatant lies about Shannon- which Gina denies.  She says she did say a lot of things, but she didn’t lie.  Shannon says she told Gina to NOT mention anything to Tamra about their conversation.  Gina says Shannon is lying.  None of this makes sense as Shannon immediately ran right to Tamra after Gina left her house.  Shannon tells Gina to stay out of her business.

Uh… and my Amazon replay just decided to end itself early.  Thanks Bravo, you twat.

We review the conversation at The Deck and Emily’s admission of Shannon reminding her of her mother and her struggle with depression and mental illness.  Shannon says that she was just depressed.

Vicki says, “Depression is not a mental illness.”

But wearing a dress like that probably is…

Thanks Vicki- so glad you are here to announce INCORRECT INFORMATION as always.  Go twerk in a fishnet onesie and shut the f*ck up, please.

Gina is like- YES, IT IS!!!

This is the face of appreciation.

Shannon has accepted Emily and Gina’s apologies and Emily says that maybe Shannon should give Emily and Gina an apology for ignoring her.  Shannon is like- I have apologized…what do you want me to do- put an alarm on phone and apologize monthly.

Yeah, sure, that would be fine.

Both Gina and Emily think that would be fine.

Shannon says she is jealous of Gina, not because her husband is hot and she continued to bang him after they split up… but because Shannon wanted her divorce to be friendly.  Why would Shannon expect her divorce to be friendly?  Her marriage was not REMOTELY friendly.  Delusional.

So, Andy is like- Ok, Shannon and Tamra are fine.  Gina / Emily and Shannon say they are fine.  Kelly and Vicki are… maybe taking baby steps back to friendship.  Kelly says she used to love hanging out with Vicki.  And Vicki says, “I’m fun.”

Whatever gets you through that day, Vick.

Andy asks each for the biggest regret of the season?

Kelly- Saying David was a saint.

Gina- Inserting herself in Shannon’s business.  Really, not your home décor?

Emily- Threatening to kill Kelly.  She was not proud of her behavior.

Vicki- When Michael relied on her for support and then asked her not to talk to Kelly about it.  Keep hanging on to that lie, Vicki.

EXCUSE!!!

Tamra- Venting her frustrations about Shannon.   Yeah, better to just bottle up that shit.

Shannon- Jamaica and how she acted toward every single one of them.

The whole damn trip!!

Andy ends it with a shot of Tequila.

Cheers to end of this charade!!!

They toast to new friendships.  Andy wants everyone to twerk.   Andy, please, have we not been through enough????

Bye, Betches!!!

Thanks so much for hanging in there this season.  I love you guys and thanks for all of your support!! xoxoxo

MisRed OUT!!

Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!

Hallelujah, holy shit. Let’s get this thing over with. Where’s the Tylenol.

I Call Her This Bitch for a Reason

Andy launches Part Deux with a thorough investigation of This Bitch’s infuriatingly nauseating habit of pouting her lips and nodding slowly and hugely during conversations.

Brandi cornered the market on This Bitch impressions, btw:

Now, as many viewers and Andy point out, it seems a little, mmmmm I dunno heinously judgy and snobby to see her do this big nod all the time, but This Bitch just laughs it off because newwwwwww of korrrrrrrrrrrse notttttttt I just SPACE OUT! Oh! HAHAHAHAHA, so you’re just emphatically bored with a conversation and you want everyone to know about it. COOL, I’m so relieved. Seriously, I love how This Bitch thinks she’s being self-deprecating and kind by calling herself a ditz (“if we’re not talking about pink and fashion or sparkles or dogs, I just space out!“) when really she’s just informing everyone around her that she just DOESN’T CARE about their babies and alcoholism and financial woes.

Also Sparkle Dog is doing fine. She got a distributor, OK? Her husband still can’t stand the sight of her and sleeps in the backyard and they’re $3.2 million in debt so she’s doing just great, everybody. You can stop worrying about This Bitch and Court “Ask Me About Assisted Suicide” Westcott now.

High Society

We need to deal with 10 more minutes of this rancid “society” problem ushered in this season (largely by This Bitch and her puffy-faced mother-in-law) and good fucking grief I don’t even think I have the strength to recap it. The only thing that brought me any pleasure through this last swan song of a fight was getting to see D’Andra scream a bunch of “crap”s at This Bitch across a fancy dinner table in Copenhagen one more time. Now that was awesome.

“Crap” is how you say “bullshit” in Societeh, by the way. You learn that in Societeh School. When at the time a pernicious cur might slight one’s shrewd investments, or say perhap a spurious young lady away with the next gentleman on one’s dance card at the Cotillion, it behooves one and one’s reputation to draw one’s glove and strike the offender across the cheek, and exclaim to all land-owning dignitaries in the room, “by my beard! Never in all my years of flatulating into a pewter spittoon have I seen such noxious cRrRrRrRap!” (you gotta roll your “R” on the crap or else it doesn’t work)

There’s this whole thing about how D’Andra likes to say she was born into Dallas Societeh whereas This Bitch married into it, which D’Andra clarifies: her mom married a Societeh Gentleman when she was four. Either way, it’s still a classist attitude in an already super classist fight, and who cares how anyone got onto the Ledo Deck – both you bitches will have your asses in a lifeboat while all the other poors drown in the hull of a boat. Hurray, money!

Andy kind of asks This Bitch why she lets her mother-in-law choose her friends for her and This Bitch is like nyeh well D’Andra lets HER mom write her life whataboutwhataboutwhatabout that huh? and D’Andra reminds her that she only lets Dee give her business advice. Then they both call each other a puppet and oooh bruther.

Then, in what is probably my favorite quote of the season, Stephanie interjects with: “not to be rude, but like, if that’s all you have to worry about in life is who society tells you who to be friends with, there are like people with like, no food, no shelter, no keds…”

LOLOLOLOL! “Not to be rude!” Oh my god I’m using that all the time. Not to be rude, but for 20 cents a day you could feed this starving Somalian child. Not to be rude, but there was a terrorist attack in Strasbourg this week. Not to be rude, but atmospheric carbon dioxide has been rising at an exponential rate for the past 50 years and climate change is a critical and present threat to our planet. Not to be rude, like.

Stephanie is far and away my favorite human on this show.

This Bitch then pipes in with her stupid nasally SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR VOICE and is like “nnnnnngYA, and I’ve never said the word ‘society’ by the WAYH.” And then she goes on this moral crusade about how the word “society” is so toxic or something and finishes that “it has to stop!”

“It” being the literal word “society.” The word “society” is canceled, everyone. Just like “retard” and “negro” and rappers saying “bitch” and “ho.” The word “society” has spread too much hate!

Andy and Stephanie thank you for that insightful contribution, This Bitch

This Bitch then admits – seven minutes after she said she wasn’t judgy – that she is judgy. Later, she tries to dangle some ineffective fact as bait that Jimmi no longer “loves” D’Andra because the two of them are in “different social circles.” Jimmi is in the one that gets Botox four times a week and drinks five martinis for lunch while D’Andra’s with the rest of the harlots who, ya know, run their own businesses and have the gall to put a K-cup between their legging’ed butt cheeks on a playful girls’ trip.

More Puppet Stuff

Someone from Somewhere, South Somewherekota writes in to comment that This Bitch is only friends with LeeAnne because she’s afraid of her. “HAHAHAHAHA OH MY GOD THAT’S SO FUNNY!” This Bitch says, “OH HO HO HO WHAT A GAS! WHERE IS MY JOKE BOOK? SOMEONE GET ME MY JOKE BOOK SO I CAN WRITE DOWN THE MOST HYSTERICAL THING I’VE EVER HEARD! SCARED OF MISTRESS, WHAT AN IDEA!” and then This Bitch’s face just freezes in place and her laughter cuts off with a gulp and her whole torso falls forward – like a lead pipe pushed over in a wind storm – and her head lands face-first into the coffee table with a metallic thunk. All we see is This Bitch folded over on the couch with a dagger in her back, the whole studio buzzing in silence. Andy darts his eyes back and forth. Someone coughs politely. LeeAnne studies her nails. “What’s the next question, Andy?” she breathes.

D’Andra insists that everyone in the cast, save Brandy, is “terrified” of LeeAnne because she’s got dirt on all of them. “You sit on secrets,” D’Andra attests, and then LeeAnne goes “oh LOL yeah, look at me! sitting on all these secrets! I’m about to bust my thong!”

And, NOT TO BE RUDE, but that’s a really dumb metaphor, LeeAnne. That makes it sound like you’re shitting out secrets (which, hey, you do), not sitting on them.

To prove that she doesn’t lord secrets over people, LeeAnne lords a “secret” over D’Andra and blurts out that her family hates each other. On national television, hey, subtle LeeAnne! This Bitch cuts in to remind D’Andra that even though she married into Societeh she’s “not like, from the GHETTO. I’m from MONTECITO!”

Andy chuckles. I don’t know why. This Bitch is like if you took all of Cher’s zippy, perky one-liners from Clueless and made them somehow racist and out-of-touch and insufferable. This Bitch is the only cognizant white woman I’ve seen in 2018 who still thinks it’s OK to throw the word “ghetto” around. How many times do you think she’s used that word in a jewelry store? My money’s on 503.

Cary’s Fake Storyline That Never Was

Cary had a grandpa who died this season? I think? I don’t remember. All I know is that she walked around her parents’ house a lot perusing through photo albums and looked sad and somehow that amounted to everyone going on a mandatory trip to Denmark. Andy asks Cary about her dog’s cancer or her sister’s divorce or whatever it was and Cary’s face scrunches up real ugly and stays that way for a good 15 seconds while she flashes her manicure in front of her mouth. Everyone whispers an “oh no!” and “you got this, gurl!” so that means she’s crying.

The Real Housewives cry is a practiced art.

Don’t ask This Bitch what this conversation is about. She has no idea. Because five seconds later, she’s sitting next to Cary, NODDING.

Nopenhagen

You guys won’t believe it: the Real Housewives went on a fantasy vacation and spent the whole time fighting. ROLL THE CLIP!

Andy tells Brandy that her idea to get shitfaced in front of LeeAnne to “prove a point” (point being that LeeAnne called Brandy an alcoholic, and that LeeAnne is thus obviously right) was hella dumb. Brandy’s like, yeah, but I had fun doing it, SO WHO WON THAT GAME OF HORSE HUH?

I’d say every bar in Copenhagen, but take a lap, Brandy.

Regarding the skinny dipping phone controversy, Andy asks Brandy and LeeAnne basically the same question. To Brandy: why get mad about LeeAnne filming the whole thing when you were surrounded by my reality film crew? (Brandy: because she was gon’ send it to the CPS n’ have mah baby taken away by the CPS! Brandy said that like the family in Wild & Wonderful Whites of West Virginia) To LeeAnne: why film anything for posterity when you’re surrounded by my reality film crew? (LeeAnne: [shakes a bottle of opioids with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth] this right here is the Boone County Mating Call. Haha but seriously Andy I dunno.)

They talk about whether or not Brandy stole LeeAnne’s phone and Brandi describes her discovery of it at the bar, bringing it up to her room, and showing it to Stephanie, swearing that LeeAnne received no missed calls from This Bitch in that time. Andy asks Brandy if she tried to access anything in the phone. Brandy answers all innocently: “No, because it has facial recognition.” LOL! Hey bank robber, did you try to rob this bank? No, because when I got here at midnight and broke through the front door with my machine gun with the intention of taking $4 million I found out the safe was locked. Oh! OK, you’re free to go.

So, OK, LeeAnne apparently told Cary that she cloned Brandy’s phone. At the reunion, she has this hilarious story about having an app on her phone that clones the nearest phone when someone fails to unlock hers three times. Oh my god. My chest.

After making this gorgeous face, Andy’s like, that’s a lie. And LeeAnne’s like, YUP. And I remember that while Stephanie may be my favorite human on this show, LeeAnne’s my favorite character.

My sense of peace swiftly ends though when Brandi starts foaming at the mouth, her incisors growing, and growls out, “LeeAnne! If I stoled your phone why would I [hoard of angry harpies fly through my television and start sucking blood out of my neck]”

The fight devolves into This Bitch daring Brandy to stand up and face her in a Not-Lying-Off. Andy screams out that “NO ONE’S STANDING UP” because he remembers what happens when Housewives get off the sofa at a Reunion.

LeeAnne vs. D’Andra

Ughhhghghghghhghgh OK look. D’Andra and LeeAnne were both awful to each other this season. They both licked a pole on a subway train that was coated in the virus-laden sweat of a reality TV producer and as a result turned into horrible, amplified versions of their worst selves, who propagated horrible, amplified rumors about their best friend and it made for good TV. And one of the reasons recapping is so hard – especially recapping a reunion – is because you know none of this fight is real. It’s just made up of car exhaust and bad acting and no one will ever apologize; no one will ever rip the mask of her face and just tiredly say, I’m sorry, this isn’t me. The closest these stupid painted clowns will ever get to something like that is clinging to the idea of concern for her friend, and everything will return to stasis and nothing will be resolved.

And that’s what LeeAnne and D’Andra did at this reunion. D’Andra had fussed over LeeAnne picking a wedding date, even though LeeAnne’s engagement is entirely manufactured for this show. LeeAnne had spread fiduciary panic and alcoholic rumors about D’Andra, mostly because LeeAnne herself, as an identity, is entirely manufactured for this show. And they only did it out of concern. And also to give Cary a mental scratching post to which she can contribute totally fruitless opinions.

By the way, whenever we start a meeting with one of my vendors they always open with this disclaimer that you should only speak to add value or diversity to a conversation, which I kind of love. It’s a way to idiot-proof the meeting and warn people not to chime in with 15 minutes of bullshit and prolong said meeting, and it always fails, and that’s always because of chatty morons like Cary who love to hear themselves talk.

… and This Bitch, who chime in with not just repetitive nonsense but stupid nonsense. This Bitch implies that D’Andra made the $200-in-my-bank-account rumor up because “so many Americans can relate!” Because This Bitch is a Woman of the People. This Bitch understands that having $200 in your bank account surely means you’re clawing at the shriveling teat of social services, wondering how you’re going to feed all those children you have living in a shoe. Oh those poor, poor $200-having souls, This Bitch thinks as she falls asleep in her golden airplane bound for her castle in the clouds. Please, Space Jesus, send them a fluffy little cupcake made of thousand dollar bills!

D’Andra reminds everyone that she only implied that Rich was unfaithful in her confessional, and Stephanie breaks in with another sorority-girl-ism: “I love you D’Andra, but… if you had said something about me in your confessional instead of saying it to my face, that would like, BReak my HHeart.”

I feel like this whole show is a Tale of Two Beckys: This Bitch (the Bad Becky) and Stephanie (the Good Becky).

D’Andra Used To Be Fun (Read: Was A Cokehead)

After everyone berates LeeAnne for inferring that D’Andra has a drinking problem, Andy pulls up a passage from D’Andra’s blog in which she admits that she had a drug problem. Andy asks what the drug was and D’Andra responds – chipperly and kind of proudly? – cocaine!

Hey man! She don’t lie, she don’t lie, she don’t lie!

D’Andra admits that she got over her addiction to booger sugar thanks to NA and a three-month stint at a TIJUANA REHAB (I guess because all the Bangkok Convents were full?). But I ain’t buyin. No one slaps on the sort of blazers D’Andra wears without running their nose down a marble vanity and screaming into a vaulted ceiling “FUCK YES I’M SOAKING MY BALLS IN A HOOKER CALLED LIFE TONIGHT!!!!”

Imma Get Some Dee Tonight

Andy announces that he invited a special guest to the reunion, which by the way, This Bitch ruined the surprise for 30 minutes ago, so thanks, This Bitch.

Through the dark passages of back stage, we see a pair of red eyes glowing. A tiny, twangy drawl grows louder and louder. A pair of banjos begin dueling. “H’wat in tarnation! H’wy I haven’t seen those girls since they wirr knee high to a bee’s eye!” A sparkly blue figure emerges as the ladies steel themselves on the couches. A terrific beast called a Mama Dee emerges, clutching her purse in case of conflict:

Andy is enraptured. He clutches the creature and jumps up and down. “Oh, Krystle Carrington, it’s you! It really is you! Your hair is so pretty, Krystal! Look at my suit! I wore it just for you.” He plants back down in his seat, beaming, then pats the seat of the sofa next to him pertly. “Move over, Earrings,” he snarls to D’Andra.

And I’ll be honest with you, the next eight minutes of this god-forsaken episode – this god-forsaken season – aren’t even worth recapping. Bravo clearly carted Dee out to fill their last hollow gasp of content, to have her say in her Foghorn Leghorn dialect that strong women tend to clash but friendships are so important and [insert shallow cross-stitch saying here]. To sit there next to her purse that she brought out for no reason other than she’s an old lady, and Old Ladies Have Purses, and sputter out nonsensical Texan adages. Everyone just smiles and shrugs their shoulders at each other, their vitriol piously forgotten, until Andy admits that perhaps his Frankenstein is to blame: perhaps his show and its awful machinations are the reason they are the way they are. He stares off into a dreamy stupor, then shakes his head (buy-yoy-yoy-yoy WHOA!), and asks the women what it would finally require for D’Andra and LeeAnne to forget their stupid feud. (surely not cancel my show!)

“Make out,” Brandy says flatly.

And, blah, whatever, D’Andra and LeeAnne apologize to one another because there’s a MOM in the room FORCING THEM TO HUG AND KISS and Dee says some more folksy bullshit and it’s delightful. Everyone is friends again. We’re all gunna get laid. Andy sits in his throne, leaning towards Dee with his elbows on the armrest, his chin in his fists, and coos, “Oh Krystal, never leave! Live in my dollhouse and braid my hair when I’m asleep and read me to filth. I love you.” He folds his arm just then and closes his eyes. Dee rises from the sofa and grabs her purse. She leans down, smooths Andy’s hair past his forehead, and gives him a kiss on the cheek. “Find out who you are and do it on purpose. A good friend once told me that, sugar,” Dee whispers. She exits stage left, and Andy falls asleep with a smile on his face.

OH THANK SLUTTY CHRIST IN LIQUOR HEAVEN IT’S OVER

During a commercial break, a stage hand shakes Andy on the shoulder and reminds him that he has to finish the reunion with something pithy and sentimental. He wipes the sleep out of his eye and grogs out mrrrr whatever, if you guys had one do-over what would it be. Make it short.

Stephanie “fills” like she waits too long too tell people how she “fills” and she’d like to get better about being direct.

Cary thinks she was a little “overly honest” this season and pledges to “reign that in.”

This Bitch will “hold back questions and let things go,” a direct nod to her Brandy’s Adoption Obsession.

As a result, Brandy apologizes for calling This Bitch a liar.

D’Andra QUOTES GEORGE W. BUSH HAHAHAHAHA PUT A BULLET IN MY HEAD and says that she should be a “kinder, gentler” person to her friends.

“Don’t you miss him now?” she adds, and (not to be rude!) I did appreciate this subtle Trump dig on such a staid Southern show as Real Housewives of Dallas, including Andy’s measured but demonstrative eye roll as he sighed a “yes.”

LeeAnne says that there are a lot of things she’d do differently (with her fingers crossed behind her back – high five on this season’s performance, she says to herself), but that she wants to “continue the journey onto being a more peace-filled person.”

So ya heard it here folks, expect Season 4 to be filled with the exact same hurricane of destructive, violent behavior that is LeeAnne. I can’t wait for next September to watch a wedding never happen and find out, yet again, What LeeAnne Did This Week.

Andy commands that LeeAnne and D’Andra once again to apologize to one another, banging their Barbie doll heads together and shouting, “KISS! YOU’RE IN LOVE NOW!” So they do, D’Andra saying she’s sorry for hurting LeeAnne’s feelings and LeeAnne apologizing that D’Andra is a moron who doesn’t avail herself of LeeAnne’s “protection” and sage advice. What a constructive project this whole show is.

This reunion ends on an old tradition of toasting with a regional cocktail (which most reunions forego nowadays, but since the Dallas women are all ACK-AHOLICS we need to stay in character). Andy’s crew has laid a tray of “Spitfires” on the table; they’re a concoction that Brandy and D’Andra invented when they were wasted in Beaver Creek and thought they were conceiving the panacea to cancer. It’s two parts maltodextrin, one part pregelatinized starch, one part monopotassium phosphate, and a little bit of artificial colors. Patent pending.

Hahaha just kidding: it’s tequila and Fireball mixed together. Welcome to Flavor Town.

Andy and the cast all stand to toast, and I can’t FUCKING believe it (yes I can) we have to drag out ten more FUCKING seconds on This Bitch and her stupid FUCKING foot that FUCKING fell asleep.

I will start and end this season haranguing about what a colossal waist of time and content This Bitch is. She completely threw me off and now I don’t even have a seamless lead into a musical closer. GOD DAMN THIS BITCH TO THE HELL FROM WHENCE SHE CAME.

But yeah, they toast. Skol! they sing out in a useless, anticlimactic fart.

And so the Real Housewives of Dallas ends, not on a triumphant sprint to the finish line but on a limp ankle, hobbling past us in cheap chintzy fuck-me pumps begging you to read the label. She did it again. She flashed her pearly whites and flipped her big ridiculous hair, and I fell for it – hook line and sinker. I followed this show because it beckoned me across the bar, teasing me through a haze of beer rot that even though it was trash, it could be fun. Perhaps it could surprise me and be even smart and deep, understanding my insecurities and wanting to hear about my dreams. So I let my guard down and I convinced myself that maybe for once, a Real Housewife could be more than a strappy pair of stilettos and a story about pink dog food. But I was wrong. This show will always be what it forever fools you into thinking it’s not: a Dumb Blonde.

Either way, I’ll always love it. And I’ll Always (Always) Love You.

XOXO forever. Babylegs.

Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!

Hi, Trashies. As I’m sure you all know, this site is shutting down. It’s been a wild ride the last six years, and I will truly miss you all. That being said, I will still be live tweeting this show on Monday nights. My Twitter handle is @PopePhilly, so I invite you all to join me. Also, I’m toying with the idea of still recapping this show on my own. If I figure that out (I’m not all that interwebs savvy), I’ll be sure to Tweet out where you can find me. So, I’ll keep the sappy part short because, well, that’s not why we come here. As my thank you to all of you…LET’S MAKE FUN OF THE LATEST CAST!

Ladies and gentleman, your Bachelor!

Alex B.

Age: 29
Occupation: Dog Rescuer

Dammit! Why are we starting off with someone I’d totally be friends with? She owns a doc rescue organization and one of her favorite movies is The Mighty Ducks. I hope Colton doesn’t pick her. She’s too good for him.

Alex D.

Age: 23
Occupation: Sloth

So, in short, Alex D. is unemployed and lazy. Oh, wait, she has an actual job. She’s an account manager for an IT staffing agency. OK, I guess sloth is way more interesting than her real job.

Angelique

Age: 28
Occupation: Marketing Salesperson

Literally nothing about this woman is interesting. I can’t even make fun of her. She’s that boring.

Annie

Age: 23
Occupation: Financial Associate

How is hating mosquitos a “fun fact”? Everyone hates mosquitos.

Bri

Age: 24
Occupation: Model

All I can see when I look at her is OG Lauren B. Anyway, she tells us that, despite being a model, she’s more than a pretty face. She also has great outfits and loves it when her dates notices them!

Caelynn

Age: 23
Occupation: Miss North Carolina 2018

That’s not an occupation, Caelynn. Oh, but she’s not your typical beauty queen because she once flew to Japan for a first date. That…doesn’t really make sense, Caelynn. How does that not make you a typical beauty queen?

Caitlin

Age: 25
Occupation: Realtor

She likes to sing in the shower. What the fuck kind of form did these ladies have to fill out? Did no one have anything interesting to say?

Cassie

Age: 23
Occupation: Speech Pathologist

According to her bio, she’s currently completing her degree in speech pathology. So, she’s not actually a speech pathologist. Why are you lying Cassie? Also, did this show just put out an open casting call for 23-year-olds?

Catherine

Age: 26
Occupation: DJ

Her DJ name is DJ Agro. For actual money, she’s a realtor. She looks way older than 26.

Courtney

Age: 23
Occupation: Caterer

She looks like someone, but I can’t quite place her. Also, her bio includes a comment about now being close to marriage. Why would she have been? She’s 23. She graduated from high school all of five years ago. No one expects her to be married at this point.

Demi

Age: 23
Occupation: Interior Designer

Seriously, why is everyone 23? How many is this now? I feel like she was cast for Colton simply because she’s the blond version of Raven and Not Raven.

Devin

Age: 23 (shocker!)
Occupation: Broadcast Journalist

She really reminds me of Taylor. Not only do they look similar, but this is another girl bragging about having a master’s degree at 23.

Elyse

Age: 31
Occupation: Makeup Artist

HOLY SHIT!!! We have a woman in her 30s!! I like her just for this.

Erika

Age: 25
Occupation: Recruiter

Erika brags about being able to eat whatever she wants while never gaining weight. I have to roll my eyes at that one. No, Erika, you do not break the laws of thermodynamics. You just don’t eat as much as you think you do.

Hannah B.

Age: 23 (Here we go again)
Occupation: Miss Alabama 2018

That’s not actually her occupation. She’s an interior designer. Honestly, that’s way more impressive than being a beauty queen.

Hannah G.

Age: 23
Occupation: Content Creator

Isn’t “content creator” just a fancy term for “I shill laxative tea on Instagram”?

Heather

Age: 22
Occupation: Never Been Kissed

Ugh. She’s going to bring up Colton’s virginity a lot, isn’t she?Also, she named her cat “Kitty.” Heather is not very clever, is she?

Adrianne Jane

Age: 26
Occupation: Social Worker

Another super boring woman. She loves spending time with her dog and her mom. Good for her.

Katie

Age: 26
Occupation: Medical Sales Representitive

Another super basic woman. She loves yoga and sushi. Way to stand out there, Katie.

Kirpa

Age: 26
Occupation: Dental Hygenist

Who the hell did Kirpa piss off that they chose this photo for her?

Laura

Age: 26
Occupation: Accountant

We have no Laurens this year (we used them all up last season), but we do have a Laura! She had an emo phase in high school? She was in high school in less than ten years ago. Was emo still a thing then?

Nicole

Age: 25
Occupation: Social Media Coordinator

Her face is ridiculously symmetrical. I’m guessing that she’s also another wannabe “influencer” with that job title.

Nina

Age: 30
Occupation: Sales Account Manager

She moved her from Croatia when she was a child. That’s the only interesting thing about Nina.

Onyeka

Age: 24
Occupation: IT Risk Consultant

Her go-to pickup line is “you look so familiar.” Onyeka needs to get better at pickup lines.

Revian

Age: 24
Occupation: Nurse

Wait, is she a nurse or an esthetician? Why didn’t they just call her a “nurse esthetician”? That’s actually a job.

Sydney

Age: 27
Occupation: NBA Dancer

Sydney has never had a boyfriend. I’m sure she’ll talk a lot about Colton’s virginity.

Tahzjuan

Age: 25
Occupation: Business Development Associate

Tahzjuan has a tattoo that says “I love bad ideas.” Lucky for Tahzjuan, dating Colton is a terrible idea.

Tayshia

Age: 28
Occupation: Phlebotomist

I like Tayshia simply because I love the word Phlebotomist. Also, she enjoys wine tasting. Can I be friends with Tayshia?

Tracy

Age: 31
Occupation: Wardrobe Stylist

The most interesting thing about Tracy is that she kind of looks like Laura Prepon.

So, that’s it Trashies. Sound off in the comments below. I hope you can join me in snarking on Twitter. It’s been a blast!

Until next time.

-PopePhilly

I don’t really know how to write this post. I’ve delivered plenty of bad news before (what the hell do you think a recap is?), but nothing really prepares ya for this, so I’m just going to jump right into it: TrashTalkTV will be shutting down at the end of 2018. After December 29, there will be no new posts.

And that really blows.

I don’t know how to properly eulogize this site, how to put into words how weird and wonderful and wicked it was, how it took the ground chuck of baseless reality show bovines and turned it into a transcendent reality recap prime rib. But I’m going to try.

TrashTalkTV was born a poor black child. She spent her childhood days dancin and singin and smizin fir the juuudgez across the Tiny Miss Terror Tots pageant circuit of Upper Middle Northern Eastern Central Mississippi, her mother making ends meet by extreme couponing and constructing all of TrashTalk’s costumes in a broken down Toyota Tercel. The family boasted the largest stock pile of Piggly Wiggly generic two-ply toilet paper in the whole county! TrashTalk eventually won a scholarship to a fancy boarding school on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, where she first honed her ruthless Bitch Skills by inventing a social hierarchy of castes as defined by color of headbands, and spreading teenage pregnancy rumors about anyone who dared cross her. Including the principle.

She attended Arizona State University, but soon dropped out when – upon seeing an amateur video of her screaming in a bar in Puerto Vallarta – a talent scout recruited her for Booze Beach, a reality show centered around a coed cast of over-tanned, over-sexed, and over-served hard bodied college students. She made a name for herself in a seminal episode about a UTI she contracted at a bar during an all-you-can-drink 8 am pancake breakfast. Her performance on the show later landed her a position on Slut Cove: Cayman Islands and later Slut Cove Paradise: The Girls Have to Bang Each Other This Time, where she quickly earned a spot in America’s hearts as the nation’s preeminent villain. But fame was not kind to TrashTalk. Within two years she was broke and destitute, and deigned to work the morning shift in Lisa Vanderpump’s first licensed gentleman’s club, Scheanna’s She Hole. A pilot for another reality show was optioned, with TrashTalk as the second-billed talent, but never panned out.

But it was at Scheanna’s She Hole that TrashTalk met a “gorgeous n’ juicy” (TrashTalk’s words) retired football player named Hutch. After trampling over the drunken efforts of 15 other strippers vying for Hutch’s affections, the two shared three beautiful, inebriated nights in the Venetian Las Vegas. It was there Hutch proposed, and 94 minutes later they were married. 14 minutes later, the marriage was dissolved. Five hours later, they signed on to produce Lovesky & Hutch, a very poorly-titled VH1 miniseries focused on their whirlwind second wedding. They moved to Garfield, New Jersey, in a big house that Hutch bought on “credit” (which was a fancy word for “34 expired Blockbuster cards”) and was constructed entirely from marble and recycled Crocs. They popped out four precocious daughters (Farfalle, Tagliatelle, Rigatoni, and Bucatini) and finally, one boy (Cruise). TrashTalk opened a boutique in the local strip mall named Going Out Tops, where she sold nothing but leopard-print coats for chihuahuas. The town was very confused.

Finally, one day, HOLLYWOOD CAME BACK A-KNOCKIN, and TrashTalk landed herself on Love & DubStep New Jersey, where she enjoyed a turbulent six-season tenure throwing furniture, opening and never settling lawsuits, defrauding the IRS and several other government institutions, making best friends with the writers of US Weekly, and occasionally – when she was bored and sad and drinking red wine in her basement – interacting with the writers on this site through a little app called Twitter.

Today, she got run over by a bus full of younger, prettier things, and now she is dead. Rest in Peace, you confounding, magnificent monster.

In all seriousness, TrashTalkTV was sort of all of those fantasies I just vomited out into a text box, and so much more. It on its own was just a text box, waiting for someone to creep into the circle and say something nasty. To get the party started. It was born of the ashes of TVGasm, led by our fearless king Ronnie “FlipIt” Karam, and hosted some of the funniest, brightest, most vicious voices on the world wide web. It entertained a bevy of clever commenters who got into the most insane fucking fights about CHILD DANCE INSTRUCTORS (and also, ya know, contributed really hilarious, insightful commentary of their own). The most incredible thing about this site was that it was (sorry to use a cliche) by the people, for the people. It was as organic and authentic as the shows it eviscerated weren’t. It had a philosophy of auditioning its talent – largely fans – and paying them in nothing but the opportunity. And in turn, its writers were giving of more than just their wit.

I’m sorry, but do you have any idea how long it takes to write a recap, put screencaps in it, and still retain enough sanity and moral fiber to be a gainfully employed adult in the real world? TrashTalkTV’s talent were angels fallen from grace, and for that we owe Heaven a huge restitution.

As a recapper, I feel like I can speak for all of us when I say that it was still worth it. It was still worth the amazing input from commenters, the feeling of camaraderie that none of us have anything nice to say, so why don’t we sit at our own little table. That’s what TrashTalkTV was.

So, on a personal note, thank you TrashTalk. Thank you Ronnie. Thank you readers. Thank you Mom, for reading all my content and submitting nothing more helpful than “I don’t get it. You curse too much.” Three years ago I auditioned for this site at probably the lowest point in my life. And by the grace of god (who is Andy Cohen – he has payed Lucifer dearly for that right), I was blessed with the chance to be a HORRIBLE FUCKING HUMAN BEING ON IT. And you know what? Life started to get better.

Cady Heron once said: “Calling somebody else fat won’t make you any skinnier. Calling someone stupid doesn’t make you any smarter… All you can do in life is try to solve the problem in front of you.” And I guess Lindsay Lohan was right. Being mean on the Internet never made me smarter or prettier or more successful. But it did solve a few problems, if only for a while.

And besides, where has that advice ever gotten Lindsay Lohan.

Goodnight, everyone, and thank you for reading. We love you.

This post will be updated with more love notes as we may get them from our writers, along with information on where you can find your favorite recappers in the future.

Babylegs
Real Housewives of Melbourne, Secrets & Wives, Ladies of London, Fargo, I am Cait, Real Housewives of Potomac, Real Housewives of Dallas, TrashTalkCeleb, various
Hey guys! I’m trying to build a site for all my future stuff but in the meantime that might just mean my Tumblr (link in bio). You can find me on Twitter @Babylego. SMELL YA LATER.

ZeeEnnui
HTGWM, iZombie, Agent Carter, Blood Sweat & Heels, Lucifer, Scream, The Affair, TrashTalkCeleb, various
I was a longtime reader before I got up the courage to answer Ronnie’s call for recaps. There could be no better home for a sarcastic writer who loved bagging on celebs news, teens soap shenanigans and finding any and all excuses to work dicksmack into paragraph. Not only did working for TrashTalkTV give me confidence as a writer but I was lucky enough to write alongside brilliantly talented and fucking hilarious writers. Ronnie gave all of us a place to snark freely and built a community of amazing and engaged readers. I loved bagging on characters and speculating about plot points in the comments with everyone. Out of all the recaps I wrote my two seasons of Scream were my most favorite. Not many watched that nightmare of a show but the people who read my recaps and hated on it with me in the comments will forever live on in my dead, black heart.

Misty Water-Colored memorieeeeessss….

Of the way we werrrrrrre

MissKitty here, to bid my own personal farewell, featuring some of my favorite scenes from the various shows I’ve recapped over the years: Flipping Out, Ladies of London, Manzo’d With Children, and of course the piece de resistance (said with special TRav “stroke face” bad French accent), Southern Charm. My BABY. The show who made me who I am. I’m so sad that TTTV will be going away, but goddamn if I didn’t get the fucking jackpot last season to recap.

Thanks, bitch!

You pack of commenters were FANTASTIC! And my fellow recappers were the best in the business, hands down. Thank you thank you thank you for ALL your support (particularly Babylegs and Ronnie). It’ll feel weird to watch Southern Charm as “a civilian”; that’s for sure!

Since I hate long goodbyes, let me just lay some wourds of wisdome on yew:

“A fool and hez money are soon pourted…”

Just kidding. Let’s all enjoy a sweaty coke rage one last time (sniff)…

(soaks through SHOCKER a checkered shirt)

In sum: I will miss you ALL terribly!

Until we meet again, MissKitty (come on, I HAD to!)

And I think I’ll miss you most of all…

Please take care of yourselves and each other. Au Revoir!

Hugs,

MK

So many times, I have sat down to write this or think of all the things I wanted to say, but in the end, it always came to the same thing…. I am so grateful to have found this site and all the commenters on here. As a longtime lover of reality shows I never commented on other sites because those people took these shit shows and crap people seriously like give them advice or care about them.

I just wanted to watch these shows and feel better about my life choices.

My sentiments for most reality stars who are not Big Daddy Tom or Scar

It wasn’t until my second maternity leave and a little show called Cheer Perfection came on that I stumbled onto TrashTalk. I was home alone most of the time with a five-year-old, a new baby who never slept and a husband working 14-hour shifts. I was up ALL hours of the day and on a weird sleep pattern watching EVERY show imaginable and in desperate need of conversation. I found you all and it was like coming home.

Of all the shows I covered Top Chef was closest to my heart, after taking over from a beloved writer I wasn’t sure if I would be able to do it justice and by god you readers made it so special. It truly was the highlight of my life! I haven’t been able to watch so far this season because watching without writing is just too heartbreaking. I am hopeful that in some capacity to start up soon either writing for myself in my own corner or for the Grand Queen Supreme Babylegs. I made a twitter account a year and I kept forgetting to incorporate it into my bio, but you can catch me @StevenWiser3. I am still figuring it out so I don’t tweet as much as I follow but anything new I do I will announce there.

Thank you for taking the time to read my posts, laugh along with me, not pitying me when I cried at the end of every finale of Top Chef because I wanted them ALL TO WIN or suffered through RHONJ with me through two brutal seasons. But most of all thank you to Ronnie who found me funny enough to come aboard as a writer and Babylegs for being unbelievably kind and wonderful leader.

Au revoir my lovelies

Hi all, I wanted to write everyone a very quick note- I had intended to write something longer but time got away from me with the holidays.  Well, that and the fact that I’m basically a slacker.

I have been a TrashTalkTv contributor since back in the TVgasm days.  I’ve ripped to shreds many a Bravolebrity over the years and some non-Bravolebrities as well.  Writing for this site has fueled my intense loathing for Vicki Gunvalson, Teresa Giudice and the two-headed monster that is Dorit & PK and has also fueled my love for all-things Patricia from Southern Charm.

It’s been fun and it’s been a lot of hard work- but mostly, it has kept me writing at a time in my life when I felt, creatively, empty.  These idiots on Bravo- along with your support- have kept me going, and for this I thank you.  You guys have come to my defense, when Penny-Stock Trader Timothy Sykes came after me in the comments, calling me a liar and <GASP!> POOR!!  I sat back with my popcorn while you guys tore him a new one- that’s when I knew (for sure) I had found my people.  Anyway, just wanted to say THANK YOU, not only to the readers and commenters, but also to my friend Robin who encouraged me to audition, and to Ronnie Karam, Babylegs and L-Boogie for running the site and for their support.  Love, Love, Love you guys!!!

“Now, Michael, it’s time for my retirement drink…”