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It seems like just yesterday I was making sacrifices to assorted gods in return for a break from the Atlanta housewives. Apparently that was a whole six months ago so here they are again to accompany us through three seasons, six national holidays and one of my near mental breakdowns.
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This year sees the exit of blonde bomb vitim, NeNe, and the addition of blonde child star, Kim Fields. Some other women come and go but for the first time in a while, only five women are official cast members. Tag lines:
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Phaedra: Only God can judge me and he seems impressed.
That’s heresy. We can judge you too so sit tight Morticia.
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Porsha: I’m about to give you life, so stay out of my way.
Just give me the spelling of life and I’ll gladly stay out of your way the remainder of the season.
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Cynthia: Seasons may change but Cynthia Bailey never goes out of style.
But your husband does go out of town and sometimes old things need to go away and die. Haven’t you ever listened to Expose?
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Kandi: I’m a hitmaker and this year I’ll reveal the best one.
I hope the it’s Miss Sharon’s ghost in Apollo Creed shorts ready to take on Momma Joyce.
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Kenya Moore: Don’t come for me unless I twirl for you.
Is that so? Try twirling for your mom.
The show opens with Kandi and Todd at Dr. Jackie’s office. I’m wondering if Dr. Jackie was her original OB/GYN or if Kandi was promised a contract extension if she did cross-show promotion.
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Offspring by Bravo
Kandi has been spotting a bit so Dr. Jackie warns her to slow down before her kid comes out like Porsha.
Phaedra is putting out a spread for Porsha’s hair and whatever is underneath it. Porsha was Phaedra’s rock last year so now she makes her lemonade. Didn’t NeNe get St. Germain though? NeNe’s paper > Porsha’s rock. #Neverforget
Phaedra is still upset with Apollo and his absence is hard on the kids. He used to teach them subtraction by siphoning cash from the elderly. She claims that they speak frequently and they are cordial. Porsha has an Instagram boyfriend who’s 24. He contacted her through Instagram and Porsha, a 34 year old woman, actually responded and is now dating him. Porsha was evidently the one dumb kid eating all of the razor blade candy at Halloween like “This tastes like fire!”. Porsha quickly changes subject to Cynthia and what Peter did.
Cut to Cynthia at home with Peter yelling out her name. Cynthia found her voice last year but Peter still can’t find his pissed off wife radar kit. You just basically turn your body clockwise until your testicles start to shrivel. He finally finds her and thinks she looks ready for a burial. Eh, we’ve seen Cynthia for years now. The only thing getting buried in this marriage is her credit score. He doesn’t think that the incident was a big deal and the girl is a customer who frequents his bar. It’s all innocent. He’s just befriended the local whino. She’s to Sports One what Norm was to Cheers but with smaller boobs. He even says that Sports One Norma is “actually a nice girl”. Peter is digging that hole nice and deep so Phaedra won’t have to. Cynthia won’t allow him to end the conversation when he tries to walk away. She has always defended him against rumors but now this gives the girls reason to talk more. No real talk about him disrespecting her or their marriage, just concern over how it looks for her.
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Clik here to view.“What am I supposed to say? What am I supposed to think about this?”
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“I can’t believe you’re asking me this.”
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“How else am I supposed to know what to say or think?”
All we need is fake cancer and Peter is the Brooks of Atlanta. Cynthia says that if the shoe were on the other foot, they’d be talking about this all night long. So true and now I am hoping Cynthia plots a revenge scene with a hot guy. Considering she’s with Peter, she could just let a toothless hobo kiss her and that’d satisfy my desire.
Porsha is getting ready for her boyfriend’s arrival. He shows up with flowers that I’m sure she told him to buy. His name is Duke and he has a backpack. Like, ‘he has to meet with his tutor for remedial penmanship’ backpack. He lives in Buffalo, plays for the Bills and has a backpack. Okay, maybe that’s how he packs to travel but it just seems like he’s too young to remember 9/11. Then again Porsha probably thinks 9/11 was that TV show hosted by William Shatner. This relationship has nope written all over it.
Porsha is drawn to the fact that he wants to get to know her and her personality cuz they’re totally two different things. Also, I hope her personality is located in her ass because that’s where he seems to be searching. She feels like a sugar momma as she brings out chocolate covered strawberries from what appears to be a that closet. I’m not classy. Maybe it’s a fancy fruit closet that famous people have in their hotel rooms. He proceeds to feed himself loser-style but she instructs him to feed her. Porsha’s family is understandably cautious about a kid-initiated Instagram romance so she wants him to meet her family. She says age ain’t nothing but a number but that was written by a pedophile…so…stop. She then gives him a shirt to try on, she compliments his abs and then they head into the bedroom so he can learn more about her “personality”. She specifically instructs him to bring his book bag so now I don’t think they’re gonna have sex. He probably smuggled her some hair shaved from a virgin pony in Buffalo.