Part One: Helen
Helen is watching Trevor and Stacey work on a school project. Trevor might want to stick with punching his dad because that is a “C-“ at best. Sorry to tell you that a career in art is out. Helen wants her kids to get a move on because Noah is taking them to a baseball game. The Fabulously Frosty Margaret disagrees and thinks it is horrible that the wee Solloway’s have to spend time with their dad. Yes we know that Noah is the WORST, Margaret, but he still spawned this crew and the least he can do is parent every once in a while. Helen don’t pay her mama no never mind, but Margaret will not be ignored. She dings Helen for wearing a striped blazer. Apparently, stripes make you seem like a drunk. Hey! I love stripes, so back off old lady. Although, I am often wandering around West Hollywood drunk, so maybe there is a connection there? Margaret is on a tear about Noah, and Helen reminds her mother that Noah is still the father of her children and has a right to see them. Hilariously, Margaret acts like taking the kids to the Bronx is akin to child abuse.
What I wouldn’t give for my mother to sound like one of the adults in the Peanuts right about now.
Stacey runs down to tell Helen that Martin’s infamous tummy troubles have struck again. Margaret blames Noah, because, of course she does. Martin doesn’t look well, and Helen gives him the option to stay home. Martin is going to power through, and accuses his mother of listening to mean old grandma. Helen has to break up a squabble between Margaret and Noah. Helen goes out to the car where Noah is pouting, and tells him that she doesn’t know what to do about Martin’s grumpy gut. Noah wants to take Martin to a specialist, but Margaret has flown down on her broomstick and says that Noah isn’t allowed to make those decisions. Noah snaps back, so Margaret tells Martin that, “it’s ok to tell your father that you hate him.” DAMN, lady! Martin understandably hates everyone. Yeesh.
Helen and Margaret are on their way to a meeting with Toby. Helen tries to break the silence by joking that she and her mother should stop for a drink. Margaret is un-amused. Oh come on, what WASP turns down booze? Helen asks if mommy and daddy are getting a divorce. Margaret thinks that Bruce is too cheap to divorce her.
Toby continues to be one of my favorite supporting characters and starts by sassing his clients about how they’re treating Helen like a teenager. Helen is stuck between Bruce and Margaret who can’t stop fighting. Toby gets annoyed and reminds them that they are here to talk about Helen’s situation. Bruce wants to pay off the judge, and Margaret wants Martin’s psychiatrist to paint Noah as a bad dad. Helen is ignored and it’s so clear that she never really outgrew her role as the teen daughter in the middle. Bruce and Margaret yell about Bruce’s lover, Ina. Bruce hilariously yells that he “seduced her.” With what…his charming personality and bald spot? Helen screams at her parents to STFU so she can take a call. Martin is on his way to the hospital.
Whore
Helen rushes to the emergency room, and Noah runs in with Martin in his arms. It’s like The Bodyguard only with less singing, sex and more green barf. The kid is not doing well but, like Janice in accounting, the ER nurses DGAF. Noah, however, uses his douche powers to try and get some help, and when Martin starts puking up pea soup, someone finally calls for a gurney (and possibly an exorcist).
The doctor takes Noah and Helen aside and tells them that Martin has a perforated bowel, and they need to operate. Despite having a sick and scared child nearby, Helen and Noah still have time to snipe at each other. Doctor Real Talk will have none of it, and is all, shut it! Martin is wheeled into the operating room, and to keep him calm, Noah asks where he’d like to go on vacation. Even with a perforated bowel, Martin still has a sense of humor, and says “not Montauk.”
Noah and Helen act like assholes in the waiting room. Helen asks how often Noah has called his “paramour?” Noah bitches that she’s a nurse and if they’d listened to her, then he’d have taken Martin to the hospital two months ago. Wow, it’s been that long? Also, Noah, you’re the dad, you could have just taken him yourself. Hey guys, the hospital is bad enough. Why you got to make it worse for everyone? Doctor Real Talk tells the Solloway’s to Shut Up Part Two: Electric Boogaloo. Bad news: Martin has Crohn’s Disease, which is an autoimmune disease. Noah says that his mother had MS, and Doctor RT says that they are related. In order to help Martin they are going to need to work together, so stop your bickering.