Tonight on TURNTTT with XTINA, we are delivered a tragic shocker. . . LIL’ WAYNE DOESN’T DO RELATIONSHIPS. How can this be?!?! All that man raps about are his visions of romantic walks on the beach and sipping milkshakes through one straw. Weird.
Anyways, we pick up with the three Millian sisters and it’s all just downhill at this point. Christina is torn up over the fact that Wayne couldn’t keep his johnston in his pants and Lizzy wants her boyfriend’s European johnston to slap her in the face. So what feels more appropriate then also having Danielle’s tragic pregnancy problems intertwined with this other really important shit.
Lizzy takes Christina’s “creative director” (token gay BFF) and says obviously you can’t bring a straight man to a lingerie store.
His penis will not be bothering Lizzy
She only wants one guy’s boner slapping her in the face, no strangers thanks. Lizzy wants to give Dom a sexy strip tease for his birthday and her nipples are falling out all over the place in her sexy suspenders. “My nipples have a mind of their own,” says Lizzy. I’m glad someone does at this rate. Our gay bestie asks Lizzy what her Rabbi would think and Lizzy laughs, saying he would be mortified in this moment. No way girl, I thought he’d be smacking you with that whip you got there!
Where’s your Rabbi when you need him?
We go to the doctor’s office and see Danielle and Richard discussing how hard of circumstances their baby will have regardless of if he is born premature or to full term. They acknowledge the fact that they haven’t been very open about the real struggles of this pregnancy with their families and decide it is time to let everyone know what is really happening.
After hearing about this really terrible thing, we jump to an obviously much more gut wrenching moment with Tina sobbing in her gazebo.
Don’t cry girl, you’ve got pineapples on your clothes!
Lizzy comes outside and Tina reveals that Wayne and her are pretty much over. Hoes trying to jump on stage at his shows, but Wayne says he doesn’t know any of them. It all came down to some wannabe stripper, rapper hoe (I like a girl who has multiple goals), who posted an Instagram photo of her in Wayne’s house. Instagram is now a legal form of evidence to use in the court of law now I believe. Tina says this chick only has a stripper tattoo and a fake booty to her name and doesn’t know why Wayne can’t understand how deep his and Tina’s love goes. She’s never loved anyone more than Wayne, even her ex-husband. She’s also never been so in love with how famous of a penis she landed.
We go into Tina’s home and Mom comes over, where Tina lets her know she’s single again and her Mom literally can’t even make her eyebrows look surprised. Not the settling down type, is that right Wayne? STUNNED.
A woman who can smell a sizzurp sipping cheater of a man
Mom thinks that he’s so used to the same thing so much that he just can’t commit. Wait, a famous man who raps about dropping panties left and right isn’t trying to get tied down? I’m being slapped in the face with the most obvious comments, kind of like Lizzy gets knocked in the face by French dick. Mom also thinks that Wayne is not used to dating a woman with all of her accomplishments, hence giving us another important moment to hear about every God damn thing Christina has ever done. Even her job selling hot dogs on a stick at the age of 15 was probably dropped somewhere in there. Lizzy lets us know that relationships are like a fart. “If you have to force it, it is probably shit,” she wittingly says. I’m guessing she didn’t learn that from her Rabbi.
Danielle and Richard come by to talk to her family about their son and talk about the heartbeat first. “Tump, tump, turn up,” says Tina. She’s just trying to impress Wayne with her lyrical gift so he stops turning to wannabe hoes. (It’s like how do you become a hoe in training? Like you need to pass a class beforehand?). It’s a very emotional moment as Danielle tells the family about how low of a percentage her baby has of surviving and it’s truly heartbreaking. Coming up next though: “WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY?!?!?!?” shouts Lizzy at Dom at his birthday party. Outdoor club fights, equally dramatic and emotional.
Lizzy tells us she is throwing Dom a birthday party and is really excited because she’s never done something like this before.