Hey y’all! Halloween is over, which means it is time for all things reindeer and snowflakes, over on the Food Network. That’s right, it’s the Holiday Baking Championship! A show that nobody asked for. Even less asking was done for Bobby Deen to host, but alas, here we are.
Unfortunately, recapping of some lip injected, overly arched eyebrowed, aging beauties delayed my food recapping abilities, so this week will be a cornucopia of the first two episodes, which dare I say were gripping. GRIPPING.
Let’s begin … Episode 1 – We R Nuts For the Holidays.
You sure are Food Network … you sure are. Shocking to no one, this episode is all about baking with nuts. Also shocking to no one, one of the contestants is DEATHLY allergic to ALL nuts EVER. But we’ll come back to that.
First off, let’s learn why we are here – ten bakers have the chance to prove they are mildly better at decorating a brownie than the average school lunch lady, in the hopes of walking away with a $50,000 prize. Whew, those stakes are huge. I mean after tax that is a good solid $15k. You could nearly buy a used car for that kind of cash. Life-changing.
We kick off the season with Bobby Deen giddily marching into the kitchen, where the ten bakers are anxiously waiting for their shot at 15 minutes of fame. Although, as a D List reality show, they would be lucky for 2 minutes of fame, via podcast, on an obscure foodie’s blog.
My claims of wanting to end my other shows to spend more time at the family restaurant are all a bit suspicious now aren’t they? But I can rock a red sweater.
This show is gonna make me so famous.
The contestants have done their best to identify with their stereotypical reality tv show character, and some of them have really helped us out by wearing a bowler hat to let us know who they will be. Their aprons are a mix of fun, bright colours, and camo hued leftovers from Ellen Degeneres’ defunct Design Challenge show. The few in the front row of this pack are already bringing out the mean girls as the skinny bitches wrap their apron strands alllll the way around themselves to tie in the front, as a reminder to the fatties on the end that they are superior. Don’t worry ladies, trusting a skinny baker is like trusting that Brooks Ayers actually has cancer. You just don’t do it.
The bakers hear about the $50,000 prize, and do the required turn-to-the-dude-next-to-you-and-raise-your-eyebrows-and-arms-with-glee-and-awe, including bowler hat who interviews with raised arm amazement that he has dollar bills running through his mind, complete with jackpot sound effect from the editors. Quality programming.
OMG The prize is amazing! Three stickers AND a glow pen?
It’s time for the first round of competition, and I refuse to acknowledge any of the nut jokes made by Bobby Deen this episode. First round is the nut challenge, because obvi we need to get the contestant who is severely allergic to nuts, as exposed to nuts as possible. In this “pre-heat” each baker will grab a nutcracker which will give them a specific nut, which they have to use in any dessert they like as long as it includes chocolate. Super hard to combine nuts and chocolate, don’t know if anyone has made that ground breaking combo yet. The bakers have 90 minutes, and the winner receives an advantage in the “main heat” where somebody WILL be eliminated.
The bakers rush to the nutcrackers (as if it matters) and make their super hilarious nut jokes along the way, before realizing the nuts are all still in their shells. Meaning the allergic one gets to really get all up in those nuts, just to ensure a medical emergency drama.
I’m hella allergic to nuts. Do I have to EAT the nuts?
Uh no. This is a BAKING show. You have to BAKE the nuts.
Oh okay. But if I eat them can I stay another episode? My unicorn vlogs aren’t going to advertise themselves.
Now it’s time to meet all of our contestants as they crack open nuts and get their first chance to represent themselves on TV. Some may use it wisely, such as to advertise their business, while others will use it as a chance to let us know they are awesome dancers. Necessary information.
First up is Steve, who is a pastry chef and co-owner of a B&B (which is all the reminder I need about why I hate B&B’s; except if Lorelai, Sookie, and of course Michel are running it) but what really makes him special is that he is a former Broadway dancer who hung up his shoes to follow his true passion, leaving handmade mints on guests’ pillows. Today he is making a dessert that he feels makes him sound super fancy and skilled, made with pecans, said the annoying way. “Pecaaaaaaans. I’m using pecaaaaaans”.
Yes, I was a dancer on Broadway … Broadway Lane … my bedroom … my parent’s basement.
The segues on this show are ON POINT, as one lady asks Steve how he is doing, cut to background story of said lady. This one is Melody, who owns a family operated bakery, and shockingly she is head chef there. Bet the bitch slept her way to the top. We learn nothing else of value about Melody, except that her mother-in-law has a creepily high amount of nutcrackers that she likes to take pictures of after arranging on the stairs. Welcome to TV Melody, glad to have ya.
In darkness, we dance.
Our resident adorable contestant makes his best nut joke attempt, and let me tell you I was impressed. Chubby cheeks and big grins all around from Adalberto, who also owns a bakery. Adalberto was born and raised in Cuba, before moving to Utah (who picked that one out there Adalberto) and he is proud to have opened his own shop in just 15 years of being in the US, but he shouldn’t be so proud since he can do absolutely anything, just ask him. What he can’t do is have the editors remove the offensively latino music behind his intro. We didn’t give Melody any trailer trash music? And we all can guess she has a lower back tattoo of a snake eating a pigeon. Equality in your stereotypes Food Network, get on that.
I like to smile. Smiling is my favourite.
Bobby Deen reminds us he is still in the room, since the contestants are doing all of the hosting duties at this stage, by advising the bakers that they only have 1 hour. Which always results in sheer panic from the contestants, no matter what amount of time is being advised.
Guys remember me? I’m hosting this show. No, like for reals.
Keeping her cool is Briana, who is a social worker and also an award winning self taught home baker. Is that a thing? Briana has been baking ever since she got her Easy Bake Oven as an adorable child, and I hope she doesn’t think all dishes take the same amount of time to cook as the Easy Bake Oven. That light bulb took six hours to cook a brownie. Briana thinks she can figure it out, but is worried her recipe may be too simple since she can pronounce all of the words in the title without putting on a fake rich-French-chef accent. Here’s guessing we will hear about the simplicity of this dessert at judging, the drama!
I’ma easy bake the shit out of this competition.
Bowler hat is laying it all on the line challenge one, going big with his reality TV persona. Turns out his name is Joe, and he is a sous chef that may be young, but he has done a ton of baking in his lifetime. I will hold back from the obvious weed reference here, but dude is 22 years old. If we are placing bets, do not risk your cash on bowler hat Joe to win. Although he could win Unnecessary-Over-Acting Award in a Sub Par Reality TV Series. He also could win, Unlikely-to-be-true-and-even-if-true-does-not-matter-at-all awards for his best nugget of info which is that he made the pope’s birthday cake. If you have to tell us, it obvi isn’t as big of a deal as you think it is. Sorry buddy. Even if your dessert has a french word in it, you still ain’t all that. Et un sac de croustilles.
I AM ON A REALITY SHOW! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!
Next up is annoying lady who sings while shopping alone in the grocery store, aka Susan, who is keeping the group in stitches with her brazil nut humour. Oh Susan, you slay me. Susan is another B&B owner, because apparently B&B’s are making a comeback. Just like the scrunchie. In case you wouldn’t have guessed, Susan is in the self taught team (just look at that pink hair screaming to us viewers I AM A REBEL) and she learnt most of her skills via cooking for her 9 children, since clearly her time was not spent teaching her daughters how to pluck their eyebrows and her sons that they do not look great in horizontal stripes. Susan is keeping it homey with a bundt cake, and lets us know the cocoa powder should make it chocolatey (me thinks this is another clever foreshadow; though I am clearly too into this if I am looking for foreshadowing in a holiday baking reality show).
Cooking for a judging panel is just like cooking for my nine brats. A little hamburger helper, some spam, and voila. Me’s a chef!
We learn that almonds are John’s favourite nuts (valuable info on this show), and that he is one of those firefighters who makes bad fire puns and looks like a fatty with a shirt on. Shirts off, and suspenders only please John. Apparently slow talking, oddly intense, beefy men, love to cook in this family, as John’s brother Dante was on the first season of this show. A little sibling rivalry going down, and Dante doesn’t even have to reappear.
I am a firefighter. I hope on this show I don’t get … fired.
Thirty minute warning from Bobby Deen, and the music lets us know shit is about to go down. Ballerina Steve is cracking more nuts, when OH FUCK he cuts himself. MEDIC! MEDIC! Steve now has an “open wound” around all of these “brown spheres of death”. SHIT IS SERIOUS. How can they cliffhanger us with a commercial here?!