Two years ago, I fell in love. Granted, it might not have been the healthiest of things; I was still trying to fill the college sized void in my heart (honestly that’s most of your 20s…hold on to happiness while you can, kids), but it happened. One fall evening, I didn’t change the channel after The Vampire Diaries premiere when BAM. The Irish scenery, the catchy Lumineers song, the wardrobe. I was entranced, and thus a long term romance was born.
young love
Two years later and we’ve been through so much. We had that ill-advised brother vs. brother love triangle, the murder of our kleptomaniac lady, some weird killer with sharpened teeth, and now our biggest hurdle to date: the death of King Francis II. It’s official. A main character, the love interest, half a ship, the King of France—he’s officially gone, and that hole in my heart just grew a little bit bigger.
We open as Mary prays in a white wedding-esque gown. Here I am googling if white was the color for mourning in the 16th century when Francis enters and Mary beams. My mistake—she was thanking God for Francis’s recovery, NOT mourning her mother. Francis feels guilt for Marie du Guise’s death but Mary brushes it off. She agrees with what I said last week, bitch was on her way out anyway.
Who is Marie du Guise?
They discuss how Scotland is now in need of a regent, and Mary declares she plans to reinstate her brother, James. Francis asks “didn’t he get overthrown by his fellow Protestants LAST episode?” Mary replies “yeah, so?” If you get knocked down, try try again.
Delphine packs to leave in front of Bash. I see you, girl. You know she only started once guards announced he was entering. She’s crushing hard; there’s no way she genuinely has any intention of going anywhere. Regardless, she puts on a show and claims she won’t stay at Court where she was accused of a murder she didn’t commit and “witchcraft she doesn’t practice.” Um…walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, weighs the same as a duck—she a witch, y’all. Delphine whines that no one understands her, much to Bash’s dismay. “I feel all your emotions and physical pain. I understand you pretty damn well.”
totally been at this for hours
LET ME FIND OUT Delphine didn’t even know they were bound. What kind of third rate witch/sorceress/necromancer is she that she had no idea she was magically linked to another person? Bash references the emotional connection they had before the literal one and Delphine gives up all pretenses of leaving. She sets about unbinding them by painting him with squid ink and drowning him while chanting some nonsense—a run of the mill spa treatment.
after your session, please enjoy our complimentary calamari
Nicolas approaches Mary with condolences for her mother. You know how you don’t actually care about your birthday but you notice who neglected to send you a text and actively hold it against them? That’s how Mary feels about Elizabeth’s lack of sympathy correspondence. Nicolas states actions speak louder than words and Elizabeth delivered a big action—a formal offer of peace.
Not even a Facebook post!
Mary is suspicious why someone as stubborn as Elizabeth would give up her vendetta. (Little does she know, Elizabeth merely has her plate full with relationship drama. Can we get Mary a spy—sorry—ambassador at English Court?) There must be a catch. Nicolas says the Privy Council is sick and tired of the Scottish cause, and there’s no catch! More of a tiny snag. Just the small matter of giving up her claim to England. Mary reacts… poorly. Nicolas mansplains the best thing she has going for her English campaign is that she’s married, but she hasn’t produced kids yet so that’s basically moot. Elizabeth may be “choosey” but she could get knocked up as soon as she’s married.
That thing even work?
Speaking of pregnancy, Catherine is redecorating the King and Queen’s bedroom to promote fertility. New colors, new textures, and new patron saints of pregnant women facing the bed at all times. Francis thinks it’s extreme and questions if she’s upset about not being regent. “It’s a good job for someone who is always right but as it turns out many people quite despise me.” Ah, a burden we bear together.
That’s the fertility painting of the Ndebele tribe. Does that mean anything to you?
Catherine returns to her chambers where a visiting Nostradamus is lurking in the shadows. In their last encounter she left him to be drawn and quartered which he’s apparently still kinda peeved about. Let it go, bro. You’re all in one piece and got a really good stretch in. Despite his issues with Catherine, he cares for Francis, and feels compelled to tell her he’s still having the same vision he had from the pilot: the glowing tree surrounded by petals with blood dripping from the sky.
some people have to pay for Pilates
This is when I should’ve known. There are certain clues television provides when something major is going to happen. Unbridled joy of the central couple: check, a return of a former main character: check, and the clincher—references to the pilot: check. The alarm bells were ringing, but my capacity for denial is extensive. At this point, I’ve convinced myself student loan debt is something I made up to keep me from buying shoes. Unrelated, I got two new pairs of shoes this week!