Welcome Back K-fans to another season! This episode is called: That Was Then This Is Now. Gees, that can pertain to so many of the K-characters: Kim is preggers and eating like a horse; Khloe is now the new sexy Kardashian — Kim has crowned her such; Kourtney is single and looking better than she ever has — she even smiled once; Kris is having tons of sex (oops, that one isn’t new); And Caitlyn has transitioned fully in all her glory with full support of the family. Here’s what happened in detail. Happily you may just skip ahead and look at the photos. I’ll be fixing my vodka now.
Khloe is complaining about the holes in her pierced ears. She wants to get additional holes (in her ears.) Kourtney says she wants to get her belly button hole sewed up. Kris says she wants to get her vagina sewed up! (really?) This line of conversation is about as vacuous as it gets. (but, wait, it goes on throughout the whole episode!)
Kim wants a “real-live” guard house outside her complex. Kris talks about a place that makes real-life dolls that are so realistic people have sex with them. She says that’s what they are made for. Kris wants to go to the factory and order one – for Kim’s guard gate. Kim says that won’t work – she needs an actual person there that can keep people out. (Psssst Kris – you can still get one for yourself.)
Kim is in San Francisco on a panel to talk about women’s beliefs and power. (My opinion of SF is falling fast — this is the third time in a six months they have invited Kim to speak as if she were an intelligent being.) She says it is ipmportant to find your passion – be determined and have drive [and tons of money doesn’t hurt!]. Caitlyn calls Kim – she wants all the Kardashians and Jenners at the ESPY’s to honor her. Caitlyn says there’s an article online saying that she and Kim wore the same leopard dress. I did a Google search on this – hell, all the Kardashian’s have worn a leopard dress at one time or another. No news there.
Looks like Kim’s phone is cracked — doesn’t she have PROTECTION?
Kris has new art work in her house: That Was Then This Is Now . She claims this is her new motto of her life. Bruce’s transitioning was hugely dramatic for her – she wants to shun all the negativity and start a new life (with a sewed-up vagina?) When asked by Khloe if she’s still dating Corey, Kris says yes and invites her to come to Santa Barbara with them. Khloe says she’s not going to a f*ckfest with her mother.
Kris’ new motto for life (deep, no?)
First ASS shot!
Double ASS shot
Kourtney has asked Scott to move out of the house. Kourtney is now like a single mom – the weight of the world is on her. Time to move on and define her happiness. She only wants to care for the kids. Kris says it breaks her heard to see Kourtney in pain. She’s proud of her and never seen anyone so strong. Kourtney says there are bright sides – the best being a bigger closet.
Poor Kim. First a broken phone, now her clothes are like rags!
Random ASS shot
Kim says Khloe is in the Best.Shape.Ever. She says the Kardashian brand is SEXY, and she’s not there now being pregnant and all, and Kourtney never was and never will be. Therefore, Kim is passing the sexy baton on to Khloe. Khloe has insecurities about her body, but Kim is pushing her to do some shoots. Kim wants Khloe to replace all of her old fat pictures on the internet with new ones. She got her the cover of Complex magazine. Khloe says she can’t do it. She’s not like Kim, she’s not comfortable showing her naked ass on the cover of a magazine. Kim says she needs a sexy shoot. Seize the moment.
On the way to the Wine Safari outing, Khloe says she googled the question “Can you take your birth control early?” and it came out with autocorrect as: “Can you take your bike on a plane?” Then, randomly, Khloe asks how is there a rumor that she may be the next Bachelorette? Has Kris done something stupid? “Mom, do we need to talk?”
I’m practicing for when I will be The Bachelorette
Kris camouflaged at the Wine Safari
At the Wine Safari, Kourtney has a sip of wine and they all celebrate that she’s letting loose. Kourtney calls it the cutest place ever. She has her smile back. She is enjoying herself doing something she wouldn’t normally do. “This is the perfect place for a wedding, but first we all need husbands.”
Kris practicing for her date later on with Corey
Kylie is getting ready for the ESPY’s – she has an insane amount of clothes on racks in her very messy house to choose what she will wear. And her house is a mess. And one of her dogs has shit on the floor!
This is not a good look Kylie. And your house is a mess.
Khloe takes pictures of Kourtney –she’s so little and cute – watering plants in her house. Hey, isn’t there a drought going on in your state?
At Khloe’s photo shoot for the Complex cover — she is anxious. Kim shows up. The crew sprays water on Khloe’s bikini bra to better show her tits. Kim says she looks amazing. Khloe says she is actually happy to have done it. Kim’s best advice: Khloe, now go and get ice cream and pig out all night long. Kim leaves to get herself some Krispy Kremes.
I’m so anxious, but I cannot resist checking myself out in the mirror as I pass it.
Are you sitting on a basketball or on Lamar’s face?
Does the Director of the shoot really need to wear a shirt saying he’s the Director?
Cutest.Fire.Hydrant.Ever
They are all getting ready for their appearance at the ESPY’s, where Caitlyn will be honored. There is so much make-up involved and so many people helping them – it takes an army to get these gals gorgeous. Kendall is very nervous in case someone boos Caitlyn or is not supportive. Kim asks if her boobs look lopsided. Does she look too fat? Kris says she looks beautiful. Kris says she is sitting out on the show because she hasn’t met Caitlyn yet and doesn’t want to do it on a public stage. But she is happy that her children are so supportive of Caitlyn.
Does my back look fat?
I see your tits even without watering them!
At Kylie’s house, Kendall and Kylie are fighting. Kendall wants to borrow a dress from Kylie and she won’t let her. They are already stressed before gong to the show. Poor Kylie’s dogs are now banished to their cages – that’s what they get for shitting in the house.
At Kylie’s: Both dogs are being punished for the indiscretion of one of them.
In the car going to the ESPY’s, the sisters butcher the words to “My Country Tis of the Thee”. (Land where the children cried. Land where the pilgrims died.) Kourtney says that Scott is at the house now seeing the kids and they were very excited to see him. Kim is concerned that Scott will do something like always to weasel himself back in the family and she wants Kourtney to be strong and be careful not to get back together with him. Khloe can’t control her nipples.
At the ESPY’s, why do Kim and Kourtney get front row? And Kendall, Khloe, and Kylie sit behind them?
Yes, Kim, your boobs look lopsided
At the ESPY’s, Caitlyn thanks all the daughters for being there. The K-girls are all so proud of her – they think it’s awesome that she is doing this.
The K-girls skip the ESPY after-party and go have dinner with Kris afterwards. Kris caught Caitlyn’s speech and thought it was beautiful. It means a lot to Kris that the girls wanted to have dinner with her and make sure she was okay with everything that was going on. But apparently Caitlyn was upset that no one went to the after-party with her and all went to be with Kris. Kendall thinks that her dad and mom have put her and Kendall in a weird position to have to choose between them. Kim and Kourtney realize in hindsight they should not have done the dinner with Kris while snubbing Caitlyn
And yet another plug for Ruth’s Chris Steak House
Kourtney’s son Mason suggests that Kim name the new baby Preston Dollar West.
For the upcoming shows: Corey and Kris’s relationship is heating up; Some guy tells Kourtney she is beautiful; Kourtney does a nude photo shoot; Apparently there is a family vacation, somewhere tropical of course; Khloe is obsessed with working out; Caitlyn shows up; Kendall pissed because Kylie brings a boyfriend on the vacation and shuns Kendall, who was looking forward to spending time with Kylie; More drama about Kim having diabetes with this pregnancy; And drama with Scott being all alone now without a family.