Hello my darlings!
Did you miss me? I missed you! I was supposed to return sooner after Food Network Star but a two hour premiere and a certain RBF blonde got the best of me.
God, I hate you
But that’s not what we’re here for. We’re here for the birth control that is Project Runway Threads. Sorry, Project Runway Juniors. I don’t know how I could have made that mistake. Actually, because there was a little bit of confusion this week, I’m not going to be your primary recapper for this show. As you’ve probably seen, Danator has already written a great recap for you this week. I never thought I’d have to fight someone to recap what’s essentially Threads 2.0 but there you go. Recapping is a crazy business. I love her Face Off recaps and I’m sure she’ll do an amazing job on PR Junior. But as a special treat for you (and because I’d probably have a mental breakdown if no one read this recap I spent 7 hours writing) you get two Project Runway Junior recaps this week! How lucky are you? Don’t worry, lovelies. I won’t be far away. We’re still getting things figured out but I would never just abandon you. Threads/Junior is like my deformed, neglected baby. We made it through Voiceover Vanessa and pointless revolving doors. That’s the kind of thing that bonds people.
Juniors looks a lot more like PR OG than Threads did. We have the same establishing shots of NYC and the fashion district. They even let the mini hamsters walk around the city for their introductions. The first one we see should be familiar to my Thread-heads. We first met Zachary on episode 3 of Threads. The good news is he seemed talented. The bad news is the only thing I know that he can make is corsets. It’s one year later and Zachary is 16. He still looks 12. Zachary starting sewing at 6 with his aunt. He describes his work as neo-classical. The photos of his work show decent construction for a design student but they just look like more basic patterns of couture gowns.
For now, let’s think of him as Baby Christian Siriano.
Our next hamster is 15-year-old Peytie from California. All her photos feature her modeling her clothes. All I know about her right now is she’s got south Cali style and she needs to put on some pants.
I’m thinking Uli… or one of the forgettable blondes whose names I’ve already forgotten.
15-year-old Jaxson is from the confusingly named Minneapolis… Kansas. He says it’s farm country where he has to feet the cows and cats. He says he designs for “bad ass women who want to look glamorous and chic.” In about 10 years, Jaxson could grow up to be very annoying. This show is going to be like watching Project Runway villains before they cross over to the dark side.
15-year-old (is anyone NOT 15?) Zach is from Louisville. He sounds like he could grow into a great voice but I don’t think the pitch has settled yet. He goes to a performing arts high school. He designs for the feminine body with a luxurious vibe. Will he be Flamingay or will he be Emilio Sosa? It’s too early to tell. Zach has a very big hat. I’m going to have to come up with nicknames sooner rather than later so we can tell Zach and Zachary apart.
Samantha is both 16 and a New Yorker. I like her already. She says she likes streetwear. The photos from her portfolio seem more relaxed and cool but not particularly well constructed. I don’t have high hopes for her sticking around.
Maya from Toledo, Ohio is 13. Oh, boy. I did not know they were going that young. Work me with, Juniors. I’m already uncomfortable making fun of 15-year-olds. I take an instant dislike to her because she looks a bit like April to me. She thinks it’s “really cool to be with other people who understand what I go through when I create things.” I’m rolling my eyes but trying my best to overcome my initial bad impression. She’s probably a good kid. They’re probably all good kids. Her portfolio stuff seems pretty basic. Not terrible. Not great.
Well, now that we’ve met some of the hamsters, it’s time to meet some of the adults who will be making sure they don’t stab each other in the face with scissors. Look, it could happen. Young people are fucking terrifying. They play with knives and fire and punch themselves in the face to look like Kylie Jenner. I weep for the world.
Hannah Davis is our host for Threads. You may remember her as a guest judge during this recent season of PR OG. For now, let’s just call her Not Heidi. Not Heidi is wearing something ridiculous, but, unlike Heidi, she’s chosen something that actually flatters her body. She’s got a weird silver belt and there’s a sheer strip on the top of her left boob and I think she’s wearing an apron… but she looks good.
Somehow this is better than 80% of Real Heidi’s outfits
17-year-old Ysabel gets the thankless task of pretending to know who Hannah is.
This face is real believable.
To prove that they’re taking this seriously, unlike the first attempt to make a Project Runway spinoff with teens which shall not be named, they have forced Tim Gunn to mentor. He looks super happy about it.