Everyone is still getting turned up over in Christina Millian’s world and we get more opening shots of the real star of this show, Tina’s gazebo. We begin our evening with Dom and Lizzy canoodling in Tina’s kitchen. Lizzy is talking to Dom in a baby voice about how he loves how crazy she is and loves her being a mess. Those are some of my non negotiable qualities when looking for a partner for myself. Lizzy should definitely be a motivational speaker for young women. They start investigating each other’s Instagram and Facebook messages and Lizzy pretty much calls all of Dom’s followers “hoes.” “Hoe, hoe, maybe a hoe, definitely a paid hoe, hoe..”
Even her apple is judging these Instagram hoes
Again, this women is a pioneer for women’s rights. They make out because stalking each other and not trusting one another to not send genital photos to other people is very arousing. I cannot believe that was a scene the editors thought was worth our time. Fuck. My. Life. We are off to a good start.
That’s a hoe, that’s a hoe, that’s a hoe
We next jump to a scenic walk along the boulevard with Richard and Danielle and we pretend like these people are not reading off of a script. They rehash what happened at Danielle’s Us magazine photo shoot and Danielle thinks Richard needs to learn how to deal with his shit. She doesn’t think he is reaching out to enough people and it is his responsibility to figure out how to. Danielle then reminds us how amazing the photo shoot was and how it was awesome because it was all about her. It’s the little things in life like photo shoots, I get it.
Now we head over to the YMCA (apparently the rehearsal space of the next terrible knockoff of a terrible girl group like Fifth Harmony) to see a girl group, Ceraadi, that Christina has decided to mentor.
Tina wasn’t willing to spring for Planet Fitness
Tina walks in a literally says “turn up!” and a producer goes over to shove a $100 in her bra for product placement. Tina likes this group of girls because they are sisters and their mom manages them, reminding Tina of her own situation. Aren’t we currently in a storyline about Tina like hating her mother trying to micromanage her life? Be consistent woman, but I digress. Tina wants to take the girls to the recording studio and the girls start twerking with excitement. I always respond the same when I get complimented on my latte art skills. Always twerk, it’s the sign of success and approval.
Her happy dance
Richard and Danielle head over to what is called “The Juvenile Store,” which is literally the coldest, most unwelcoming baby store name I’ve ever heard. They are looking around for their son and sit down in a fake bedroom to discuss Richard’s plans to support their family. Aside from all the offers he says he has for gay porn (he said he was joking… rigggghhhtttt), he tells Danielle he wants to be a stunt man. He says he only has a ten year window to do this so he needs to go after his dreams now. I genuinely laughed out loud at that bold, delusional lie. Danielle doesn’t want to squash his dreams and wants him to get out of his funk, so fuck it, “go break your neck,” she pretty much says. Nothing like that pat on the back girl. Their daughter Naomi then strolls over swinging a plastic sword at them. Hey, those Millian ladies be crazy from day one right Richard??!
Where in a baby store do they sell fake swords?
Tina, Richard, Lizzy and Dom go for a hike and Dom is training Richard to get into better shape so he can be a stunt man. Lizzy asks Richard what he’d be willing to do and somehow we find out through that question that Richard would fist a cow for money. What the actual fuck? How..how do you come to that point where you genuinely take a moment and contemplate that to yourself? Jesus, take the wheel from me and him too because I sure as shit don’t trust him to even like open a car door at this point. Crazy. Dom wants everyone to do push ups and squats and Richard barely wants to touch his toes, so clearly, Richard has found his new path into athletic ability.
Great form champ
Richard says he isn’t out of shape and that he’s in good enough shape as someone who doesn’t work out. I hope they are not home schooling their daughter.