Last week, we got to see the outside of Sheree’s house which is made of wood and fondant. Kim prefers her fish taco out of it’s shell and their boat ride ended up shakier than a Bedroom Kandi goody bag. Much like Kenya’s home reno, let’s make this quick and dirty.
We pick up where the cameras blacked out last week. Fortunately, Bravo isn’t concerned with liability, feminism or social constructs so we get to see most of what happened. Cynthia is drunk and sensitive and Porsha escalates the situation by pointing in her face and standing over her like she’s about to be on the giving end of a golden shower…for once. Cynthia reacts much like a rabid Star Wars fan who just saw the trailer with way too much black guy. Cynthia gets her Bruce Leroy on and kicks Porhsa away from her. Much like Momma Joyce, ain’t no river wide enough to keep her off Cynthia’s ass. Two male crew members have to hold Porsha down while she yells that she’s going to catch Cynthia alone and she’s lost businesses and her husband and wants Porsha to lose the same.
The only way a man worth less than seven figures will ever be allowed on top of Porsha.
Porsha just looks and sounds dumb. I also believe she can catch bullets with her teeth. At least she’s consistent. The women are all upset.
“I can’t believe I missed last call for the kitchen.”
“If you’re so hungry why didn’t you buy one of my candy bars to help disadvantaged youth?”
“I was fondled by a dolphin and no one even came to check on me.”
“I took the good. I took the bad. I took them both. And now I’m on reality TV.”
“This is the third boat I’ve been kicked off this week. My mom’s gonna kill me.”
Kenya finally gets her wish as Porsha and Shamea are carted away in a tiny motor boat like Miami Vice bad guys. Shamea says that it’s a tired party for old tired people to which Sheree and Kandi roll their eyes, yawn and discuss bran cereals. Kim starts crying and says she’d rather have her book and her kids than this. She then pulls out another actual book. The group burns it.
Porsha is at home where she is sore in places she’s not used to. Her mom shows up with a Thanksgiving meal and no words of wisdom. I understand supporting your kid but at what point do you just strap a helmet on the girl and tell her not to do things for candy? Porsha knows why Cynthia is hurting and knows so much about Peter. This is why she’s confused at Cynthia lashing out at her.
Because nothing says support like forced Tae Bo.
Phaedra meets with Kim for…juice? Atlanta’s budget must be really tight this season. They used to rely on alcohol for fights. Now they’re just hoping for hunger induced death matches. Phaedra says that there have been a lot of deaths at the lake so instead of warning her friends and co-workers she stayed home and let the Apostle bless her house while his wife ransacked her purse. She keeps pointing out that she’s a mom first but I’ve read Angela Staton’s interviews. She was a whole lot of things before she was a mom.
Kim recounts the boat horror while Kandi and Kenya tell their versions to Carmon & Don Juan and Aunt Lori & Cousin Che respectively. Kandi’s retelling is the funniest. Kenya’s is the most sanctimonious and Kim’s is the most gentle and sweet. I swear this woman needs to be my nanny. She just seems so cuddly and ready to be a human couch. Aunt Lori wants Kenya to hold a program on being non-violent. Porsha literally lives in the house “non-violence” bought but it’s just not enough apparently. Don Juan thinks they all look dumb and in imitating them, actually sounds like Momma Joyce thereby insulting his boss. She doesn’t mind. She’s just glad the dim lighting camouflages her 12 buckets of Popeye’s.
Peter comes home to console Cynthia. He tells her to apologize so that she’s good and warmed up for when he turns his infidelity into being her fault.
Kandi and Todd go to Dr. Jackie. She reiterates that Kandi needs to take it easy because she really wants to see Kandi’s hit factory. I think Kandi isn’t slowing down because she has a surrogate and is just eating her way into a well-disguised fake pregnancy.
Could they be any less interested?
Phaedra is really trying to play up this “I’m a mom first” storyline. Her only solo scene this week is of her making snow cones with Ayden and Dylan. You can tell she spends no time with them because she’s always doing weekend visitation activities. Swimming, brownie baking, snow coning. It all reeks of “making up for ruining your life by taking off with that bartender and only seeing you for 36 hours a week”. At least the kids are still adorbs.
Kenya checks in with Cynthia whom she dubs Kung Fu Panda. That’s gotta hurt. Even with her Spanx in clear view, she’s being likened to a bear. She informs her of the plan to have a luncheon to reunite all of the girls. It has to be soon or their relationship will never improve. And their checks for this week won’t get cut.
Kenya decides to meet with Porsha first to make sure that she’s on the same page. I mean, it’s definitely a coloring book but they’ve gotta make sure they’re shading in the same puppy. And they’re getting more non-alcoholic liquid. This is what they get when there’s no one to demand “ta-kwee-toes” and teepee wigs at every shoot. Porsha blames the fight on the boat on Shamea being kicked off. Lame excuse. Kenya calls her out on trying to blame her for it and they talk over each other. Kenya offers her help but Porsha doesn’t want it since Kenya has no compassion for her. They bicker some more, Porsha is about to leave but Kenya stops her. She says that she and Cynthia were both at fault and encourages them to make peace.
The kid in back won’t even show her face on this show and she’s disguising her father.
Kim is waiting at the lunch all by herself. I think she’s really beginning to see how she doesn’t fit in but an IRS bill will make you do something strange for some change. Kandi, of all people, arrives next and they complain together. Eventually all of the women arrive and Kim, who has sweaters to knit and cookies to bake, gets to the point and asks where the two cage fighters are as far as moving forward. They have a private talk in which neither one of them actually apologizes. I think they said everything but “I’m sorry” but they do agree to “move forward” because sorry isn’t in their wheelhouse but they’ll circle back and at the end of the day think outside of the box.
Next week, the cast goes to Miami and wears a lot of revealing clothing. Kim cries again and some random dudes start a fight. What’d you think? Was Porsha Linda Blair-ing it up or what? Do Todd and Kandi seem interested in this kid? Is Don Juan way crankier than usual? Is Don Juan the surrogate? Love you for reading and commenting!
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