Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills:
Yolanda was sad. She took it out on Gigi by showing her the milk…
…and then taking it away.
Gigi got revenge by not only eating on camera, but by eating on two cameras.
The familial inner workings on this show are downright meta.
A lot happened last week, and you can find the first Opus of the season here and my open letter to Yolanda Foster on the day of her divorce announcement here.
The women didn’t believe anything was wrong with Yolanda until she showed up to dinner with no makeup to prove it. HOLY SHIT SHE IS SICK. She also showed symptoms of her newly mutated Lyme offshoot: The Pointed Cough Triggered By No Attention.
YOLI: (cough)
WAITER: Do you need some water, miss?
YOLI: So I am here, at dis table?
KYLE: I’ll have a gin and tonic, hold the lime.
YOLI: I am already holding da Lyme. For tree year I hold it. (cough)
KYLE: Can we also have more bread?
The Real Housewives of Atlanta is changing the head peach holder every week this season, so all the ladies feel equal. I’m glad this show isn’t following that “everyone gets a trophy” bullshit. They know who the queen is, and they’re sticking to their guns.
Welcome back to Beverly Hills! Fancy cars! Rubber faces! Medians with flowers in the center! And look! An old bald dude with hairy moobs working through his inferiority complex and tiny penis right there on the street. AW! HUGS!
Kyle’s at home, and she’s populated her kitchen with all kinds of flowers that aren’t roses. You know Lisa is sitting at home right now rubbing Ken’s hairy belly and asking herself why Kyle has to try and poke at her in every single shot. And when is she gonna learn her bra size so she doesn’t look like a zip lock bag full of chicken skin?
This scene will be about A. Her money B. Her husband’s business C. Her sister or someone else she can talk about victimizing her in some way. It’s only episode #2, so I’m guessing A.
B. Mauri has five showings today. Meh. I lose. When is Kyle just gonna be Ursula the sea queen, already? She’s promised us a good season. What with the double Cut Fitness bracelet, and all that.
She’s not only a Cut Fitness, she’s a Double Half Backwards Cut Fitness. That’s rare.
Wait! Maurice is working so much at his successful business so he can take Kyle on a glamorous vacation. So it was A and B! YAAAY!
They’ll be going to the French Riviera, Tuscany, Florence, and London for a Hilton wedding. I hope it’s marrying a Marriott. They’d make a really mediocre team. Romance.
Mauri stresses the importance of only having family there, which is kinda scary. Unless they’re related to a bounty hunter. Who the hell else is gonna go looking for Kim Twitchards on her inevitable escape to a random country’s dollar aisle at Target? Kyle sure as shit won’t.
The Vanderpumps are meeting them in Tuscany, but they’re not invited on the boat cuz they’re not related. Also cuz you know they are getting that boat for free (this couple is hands down the BEST at using the show to get free shit), and they don’t wanna pay for any overages. Also Ken silently fahts. A LOT.
A Hilton is marrying a Rothschild at Kodak Palace. It’s like a fairytale, Kyle tells us. Sponsored by globalists. Let me guess, you’ll be one of the bitches trying to block Cinderella from the Folger’s Ball and then try and squeeze your feet into a shoe that doesn’t fit to prove you’re someone you’re not. Wait. This is like a fairytale.
Guys, I’ve learned to accept and even love the facial mutilation that goes on in this town, but when one eye is looking toward the sky and one eye is looking vase full of non roses behind you, it might be time to stop stabbing yourself with paralyzing diseases NEAR YOUR FUCKING EYES.
Vanderpump is in her closet admiring the last dog she turned into a fur. They’re usually reserved for Ken wigs, but that retriever was just so SOFT.
You served us well, old chap.
Giggy is almost ready to be turned into a Caesar cut for Fall 2016, so Ken is prepping his replacement.
Daddy loves you, Spring of 2029 cut.
Lisa asks Ken if the fur belongs in Italy, but he’s fallen asleep, so I’ll answer. That fur belongs in a shelter, girl.
She’s not only packing for herself, but her BFFN (best friend for now). Kyle’s only bought hot pants in goal weight sizes this season, and Large Marge won’t let her wear them to the wedding.