Previously, Agent Coop put on his Batman voice and literally swore to wipe out crime in the city. I mean, even for Murphy, that was bad.
I’m a week behind on recaps so I’m just going to MadLib this episode and get done so I can catch up. I’m pretty sure Murphy does his scripts using MadLibs anyway, so it should fit well.
*****
We open on the Countess who has a sad expression staring at the hole where Valentino was bricked up.
Her exposition is philosophical, and she is mourning her lost love.
She is also angry with Mr. March for making her lose Valentino.
Mr. Drake wants a large wedding. The Countess wants a small wedding.
Liz Taylor is angry with the Countess for killing Tristan.
His exposition is scathing and hateful.
Mommy Chloe serves a drink to the Countess.
The news on TV talks about exsanguinated homeless people and a group of mysterious children.
A private eye calls the Countess and tells her “I found your boy.”
At a cheap motel the Countess finds Valentino.
His exposition is passionate and accent-y.
At the Hotel Cortez the Countess is bouncing on Donovan’s dick.
The dialogue consists of screams and grunts.
The exposition reminds us the Countess killed Tristan and dumped Donovan.
Donovan wants monogamy and commitment. The Countess wants money and power.
OriginalCyn thinks wearing pasties during sex is stupid.
The Countess is getting married on Wednesday and plans to be a widow on Thursday.
Two porn stars and a porn director check into the hotel.
Bates likes porn such as Deep Throat. Bates hates porn made in her hotel.
More exposition about Porn Hurts People.
Bates stabs a porn star and the director. One porn star escapes to the bathroom.
Donovan finds Bates with the dead pornsters.
Donovan is impressed. Bates is proud of herself.
The exposition reminds us Baby Bartholomew is missing. The Countess suspects Bates.
Donovan has a plan to kill the Countess. Donovan hears the pornstar in the bathroom.
In the Penthouse, Mr. Drake and his son dress in tuxedos.
This character has no purpose. Exposition is about bisexuality.
Laundress Evers appears.
Exposition about Marrying the Countess = Committing Suicide
Laundress Evers is a jealous bitch.
The Countess wants the hole closed with a security door added as a surprise for Mr. March.
Exposition about if this is possible or impossible.
Mr. March appears and offers to help. The Countess is PISSED.
(thanks to my friend @Urethra_F)
Mr. March is surprised.
Over at Ramona Royale’s House, Donovan brings the naked tied-up and gagged porn star to her door.
Setting: in broad daylight.
Ramona Royale is a BADASS.
Ramona Royale says Donovan is a pussy. Donovan exposits that he’s addicted to the Countess and drugged the Countess’s drink.
Ramona Royale tells a barely relevant story:
Los Angeles 1992
The Countess has already killed Ramona’s love. Ramona goes to live with her parents.
Ramona’s Daddy suffers from Alzheimer’s. Ramona’s Mommy dies.
Daddy is killed in a home invasion. Ramona revives Daddy.
Exposition states the Vamp Virus does not cure Alzheimer’s.
Twenty years later, Daddy eats some home invaders. Ramona drowns Daddy in the bathtub.
Present day, Ramona wants revenge for the lost years with Daddy.
Mommy Chloe just walks through the front door of Measles Family Home without invitation.
Inside is a giant pile of dead people.
Also inside are all the vampire school children.
Exposition is about how killing the pizza guy and your parents and lots of homeless people is stupid.
Mommy Chloe wants the kids to go to the Hotel Cortez.
The kids want to continue killing.
The Countess is passed out in the bed.
Ramona Royale wants to stab her in the heart and cut off her head.
She wants Donovan to watch.
But the Countess wakes up.
Donovan tasers Ramona. This is a Surprise!
Bates helps Donovan put Ramona in an iron maiden in the Hallway of Valentino’s Demise.
Donovan says he loves the Countess.
Bates realizes she raised a dumbass.
Exposition is about what a stupid idiot Donovan is.
The Countess is visiting Valentino.
Exposition is about how the Countess wants to eliminate Wifey.
Wifey enters room. The Countess invites Wifey to the Hotel Cortez for “Girls Night”.
The Countess is getting married. Any objections?
“That woman is a cunt.“
“That woman drinks…”
“…and I still can’t act.”
The Countess presents her bouquet to Liz Taylor.
Mr. Drake makes a drink at the hotel bar.
Mr. March appears.
A Toast!
Mr. March takes Mr. Drake to the room of Baby Bartholomew.
Mr. Drake thinks the baby is disgusting.
The Countess overhears and is offended.
Mr. Drake wakes up in the iron maiden room.
Mr. Drake releases Ramona Royale.
Ramona Royale slices Mr. Drake’s neck.
The Countess watches on closed circuit TV.
The End.
Okay so I don’t know if this MadLibs thing was entertaining or not, but honestly I had to catch up on my recaps and the theme actually fits this episode which flew through scenes every 8 seconds. We’re basically on Murphy’s standard “Fast Forward to Everyone Dead” stage. But I hear the next episode is super good AND stars Liz Taylor so let’s get that recap going right now…
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