Us – Blink. Blink. Sigh. Blink.
Audrina Patridge finally stared into the heavens long enough to be blessed with a tiny coco butter flutter of joy, growing boringly but beautifully in her belly. Congrats Audrina. I imagine your foray into parenthood will be not unlike that of a giant panda’s, where you and your young sit in precious captivity since you’re both such rare, important creatures, as you gnaw on some bamboo and do absolutely nothing.
Celebitchy – CAITLYN JENNER IS BRAVE™
Which is why she’s Barbara Walters’ Most Fascinating Person of 2015. Snore. Hilariously, Caitlyn denied an interview with Bawbwa. She’s off doing more important things like getting drunk in Napa and trying on free designer clothes and making a reality show all in the name of LGBT equality. Oh and also this:
Entertainment Weekly – So… Michelle is Definitely Dead, Right
Here’s the first teaser for Fuller House, the horribly named, inevitably cheesy, probably-riddled-with-Christian-undertones project from Netflix. The only good thing about this stupid trailer is the cute Comet-esque puppy, who has cruelly been locked in the ghost dollhouse that is the Tanner’s old set from the 90s. A Miranda Lambert song croons on and the voices of the old family linger just on the other side of the front door, crushing my dreams and stealing my will to live. Yes, I’m still going to watch this.
TMZ – Richard Simmons Still High-Kicking and Screaming, Just in Private
Bedazzled, frizzy Keebler elf Richard Simmons hasn’t been seen for over two years, having abandoned friends, family, sequined exercise jerseys and the public eye. Those close to him are concerned, but I’d be more concerned if he were still on the morning TV circuit cracked out of his mind and leaping around like a blind rat to the sounds of the Pointer Sisters. How is it not painfully obvious to people that this man’s heart is probably fried? He’s probably laying in bed, charred and crispy, fizzling away into nothing as B-level TBS movies drone away in the background.
Twitter – Merry Christmas! Love Bill, Cathy and the Kids
I’m so glad they did this instead of one of those god awful family newsletters like last year. Let’s keep this and remember to put it in a frame before they come over for dinner or something, OK? Two years ago I spilled wine all over the thing and then they sprang in on us and their card wasn’t up on the mantle and, jesus, that picture from my bachelorette in Cabo was and I just looked like an awful bitch. So here put this some place we’re not gunna forget.
A new family photo – Merry Christmas from The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, Prince George and Princess Charlotte pic.twitter.com/8d472rlXFW
— Kensington Palace (@KensingtonRoyal) December 18, 2015
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