Hey y’all! We made it to the finale! After pretending it was holiday season in March, we are finally close enough to the holidays that the themes actually work and the glitter seems relevant. We are down to the final three bakers, and only one will leave with the $50,000 and supposed pride that comes along with winning a Z-list reality baking competition.
Our final three bakers are Adalberto, Maeve and Steve. Adalberto has been the presentation master, consistently presenting the judges with professionally executed desserts that are a step above the rest. However, the judges have not been huge fans of his spice. Maeve has been keeping it Irish, which has come with its fair share of hits as well as its fair share of drunk leprechauns. The judges have commended Maeve for her risk taking, but she has struggled when it comes to triffle competitions without the beating your siblings incentive. And then there is Steve, who the judges have praised time and time again for his supposedly magazine worthy presentations. While the rest of us have been ready to send him home just to get his weak ass dancing off of our TV screens. Which baker will leave victorious? Let’s find out!
The episode kicks off with a RuPaul’s Drag Race Lip Sync moment by Bobby as he struts his stuff into the room, outfitted in a fancy smancy shiny suit. Even the contestants are impressed that Bobby has upped his style game out of the velour tracksuit category. Bobby welcomes the contestants with a speech as if the bakers have accomplished something more impressive than beating out the condensed milk Queen. Bobby also reminds the group that they have all fucked up on the reg, so really they are all lucky to still be around.
Why you gotta play like that Bobby.
I like to keep it real.
Bobby brings the bakers attention to the garish tree sitting ominously beside him, and shares with the bakers that his wife made the hideous “I love Bobby” cookie ornaments, as if this is an accomplishment. Bobby explains that the first challenge will be to make their own tree that is impressive as shit, but doesn’t outshine his wife’s tree. The bakers will have three hours to bake two dozen cookies and turn them into ornaments for their trees. All of the bakers are perplexed by this one, as it is a dumb ass idea, but as with every challenge in this show, they are down for the ridiculous.
The challenge kicks off and Steve interviews that while us lazy fuckers at home might think three hours is a lot of time, since we typically spend about that a day on cat gifs, in reality three hours is not a lot of time for professional bakers, such as Steve, to make cookies AND make sure they hang. They are fucking cookies, hanging them ain’t no thang Steve. And don’t think I didn’t notice your unnecessary flying leap.
Why.
Steve decides to make an orange vanilla sugar bean cookie, since it is always necessary to add at least two ingredients to the title of any basic dish such as the sugar cookie. #keepingitclassy. Steve heats it up in his kitchen and explains what he is doing, as if any of us will ever “mix until just combined”.
Over in Maeve’s kitchen, the tone is a little less jovial than in Steve’s kitchen. Aka the kitchen has the tone of Maeve – solemn, sinister, and a tiny bit frightening. Sugar cookies are an exact art for Maeve, but she looks more like she is measuring out rat poison to cash in on her hubby’s life insurance. Girl keeps it exact.
Yes my precious.
Maeve interviews that she has been praying for a challenge in her wheelhouse, and because that is how praying works, they are all now making sugar cookies. Maeve is keeping it basic and only adds “Mother’s Classic” to her title, as if there is an extract for that. Shocking to absolutely no one, Maeve’s secret ingredient this week has to do with being Irish. You don’t say. Apparently butter in Ireland is fatter and yet somehow people in America are fatter. Riddle me that.
Adalberto checks in with Maeve, and throws a dig at Maeve’s triffle making abilities, since girl’s triffles are so inferior to Adalberto’s she might as well crush up a Burger King apple pie and toss it in a mason jar. But Adalberto doesn’t have too much time to knock Maeve down, since he has a whole lot of lemon to grate for that tart Lorraine. Girl be loving her lemon, and Adalberto be loving the win. Adalberto is taking a risk by making his dough too thin to be successful as ornaments, which seems a bit off the mark for this challenge, but hey, why do something that works?