Welcome back, loves! Earlier this week we saw the three weddings and the breakdown of at least one fake relationship already. This week bodes to be even more detrimental to the institution of marriage, so let’s get started!
Previous on: Adonis nailed 14 prostitutes in Brazil. Everyone else got married.
We open on Adonis. He and Erica are still not talking and the wedding is two days away. He is still a shitbag.
Rob and Tara are preparing for their honeymoon to Italy. Rob’s eyes bug out as Tara reminds him of all the Italian fashion in Italy and the needs to raise credit limits. Dude has bills (and exes) to pay! Tara is still complaining that she was on her period at the wedding and so she didn’t get laid. Geez girl, what are you, in high school? Have sex or don’t, but mostly, don’t tell us about it!
Brandon and Craig are going camping for their honeymoon/Brandon’s birthday.
No. Back up your car and go to a better place.
They are not ready for this. They did not bring offerings for the hill people, who scream out “Where is your wife?” Gross. This is why one should not camp.
The only people in this lot with actual bathing suits on.
Brandon is uncomfortable holding hands with his new husband. I don’t blame him in this specific location. Who knows what those hill people at that camping site will do. Don’t go camping. Be in love in a hotel.
Rob and Ro are too busy with work and go on a mini-moon instead of a honeymoon.
Brandon is extremely stressed. I would be too. They are basically on a river bank…
Not a honeymoon.
Erica is at a hotel (so Adonis was sleeping on the couch when the bed was actually empty? MORE LIES) dealing with her breakup or trying to chum the waters for a new man. I’m not sure yet.
Really could go either way.
Erica doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t want to disappoint her family members, who are expecting a wedding. Know what else they will be disappointed at? A divorce two days in.
The most telling picture of their early days of dating: Erica happy and Adonis texting OTHER GIRLS.
Erica should not marry him. There’s forgiveness and then there’s blindly ignoring incredibly serious warning signs just so you won’t be alone. One requires maturity and compassion. The other requires sadness and a lack of foresight.
Rob and Ro are getting a new apartment.
Seems to have the features of an apartment for a fake couple.
They complain about the smallness of their old apartment. They dance around. They are super fake. I wonder if they had even met prior to this casting.
Brandon captures my feelings on camping.
This is the opposite of romantic. You can hear kids in the background screaming. How is that a honeymoon?
But this couple is kind of hard for me to mock. Craig gets Brandon glow sticks and makes it all better. They remind me of my own childlike enjoyment of things that really were meant for children or teenagers rolling on molly.
I want some glow sticks.
Perfect moments of your partner knowing you exactly is what I love in life and when I see it in others it makes me tear up. And I hate when Bravo shows make me tear up. Craig and Brandon make wishes and send them up into the sky. I CAN’T EVEN.
Luckily my tears dry up instantly:
Some of them may have even retreated right back into my eyes in horror.
Tara plans to hyponotherapize herself to fly. She also comes home with a Yolanda Foster amount of medication and herbal crap to prepare to fly.
Why not just take a sleeping pill? Or a Xanax?
Rob claims that Tara’s anxiety come from her parents. Um, no. She is afraid of flying. Airplanes. This jerk just wants to blame everything on her parents so that she too with hate them and he never has to see them again.
We treated to a scene of Rob and Ro screaming at each other while they try to move. Blah.
Erica comes home to see cheater cheater pumpkin pie eater and sit down for a very awkward conversation.
I will hold this over your head forever.
Erica feels naïve because she thought people in love are nice to each other. Well, sweetie, generally they are. This dude loves women. Plural. And some that are paid to love him for an hour at a time. He doesn’t even apologize. He just asks whether he still needs to fit into his tux in two days. Erica demands to go to counseling.
But babe, talking is what got me INTO this mess…
She is going to still marry him in two days. Booooo.