Me, just now: “Wonder if something good is on the old DVR or if I can start Making a Murderer this lovely, rainy Wednesday? Let’s see, My 600lb Life, Newlyweds, two dozen Teen Mom reruns [massive DELETE ALL here], what else? OHGODDAMMIT AMERICAN FUCKING HORROR STORY IS BACK???”
*Pulls out chocolate cake and vodka*
Previously on American Horror Story Hotel: Ryan Murphy is an asshole, Matt Bomer is sexy even to lesbians, and Bates & Liz Taylor were playing one-sided Shoot-Em-Up Cowboy with the Countess and Donovan.
We open up this week with Liz and Bates back in the hotel room with all the weapons, loading up their guns for the shoot-out. Then we watch them head up to the penthouse, take aim, and shoot up the Countess and Donovan again, with lots of detailed blood splatter, only OOPS, Donovan wasn’t supposed to be there! Bates stops shooting immediately and runs over to help him. Liz is worried about the blood smear the not-quite-dead Countess has left behind her on the floor like the giant blonde slug she is but Bates won’t leave Donovan. As for Donovan, he is begging them to get him out of the hotel before he dies and is stuck there with all of the Countess’s exes. They agree and drag him to the elevator and out to the street in front of the hotel. I’m not sure LA’s Skid Row is a better place to haunt than the Hotel Cortez, but to each his own. They assure him he’s safely out in the street and he says,
“”Thank you… Mom.”
And then he dies.
Bates has the sads.
Creepy Credits.
We come back to Hypo Sally shoving her dirty fingers into the guts of a shrieking Countess to pull out the bullet fragments, and Sally is super enjoying this. Bitch didn’t even give the Countess some of her drugs first. The Countess doesn’t understand why Sally saved her, and Sally says it’s because she doesn’t want the Countess to leave her… But the Countess wouldn’t be going anywhere if she’d died in the hotel, RIGHT??? Didn’t that rule just get reinforced with Donovan five minutes ago?? *pulls hair* Then Murphy remembers he hasn’t done a flashback scene in a while so Sally randomly brings us to…
Los Angeles 1993
Sally wants to tell the story of Nick Harley and Tina Black, two drugged up singers from the 90s, probably some Kurt & Courtney knock-off. We’re in a recording studio where Nick & Tina are humping each other while trying to record one of Sally’s songs. The sound guy is all “hashtag I hate my life” and Tina & Nick decide they’d rather hang out with Hypo Sally and her drugs so they go get a room at the Cortez. Liz looks down his pretty nose at them and sniffs, “Grunge drools, Mötley Crüe rules,” but gives them a room key and asks them to put a towel down if they want to sit on something naked.
Queue another drug fueled sex scene, Murphy style. These get tiresome after a while, no? Sally shoots everyone up, and I believe even shoots into Nick’s cock, which, well, who really thinks this is a good idea?? Well Sally has an even better idea, and she asks if they trust her.
WHY SHORE, who doesn’t trust their friendly neighborhood crackhead drug dealer?? So in the next scene, which I had to rerun and pause several times over to understand what was happening, it appears that Sally is attempting to actually haphazardly sew the three of them together, you know, a stitch on her wrist, to a stitch on his abdomen, to a stitch on her boob, to a stitch to his arm…
Your usual crackhead stuff
It all makes no sense whatsoever, unless I guess if you’re on some really super good drugs. Or really super bad ones, as the case may be, because now we have two more Mia Wallaces on our hands.
Sally freaks out and Laundress Evers appears to gleefully announce she’ll be back to clean the sheets once the post-mortem excrement has arrived. Well, Sally refuses to be left by her sweet grungey couple, so she stays in bed sewed together with the dead bodies for five days, but on day two “He” shows up.
This episode is seriously fucked up and we’re only 15 minutes in, but Moist Paper Mache Guy rapes Sally repeatedly with his sharp pointy drill dick until she gives up and rips the stitches out. And that’s why she “saved” the Countess. Certainly it’s all totally clear now, I mean if that all didn’t explain everything, what will?
“You have serious abandonment issues,” says the Countess. Heh.
Should we question why Sally’s favorite dead grungey couple aren’t haunting the hotel and keeping her company forever? No? Okay, let’s move on.