Hi Trashiis! I love the Golden Globe Awards, even more than the Oscars. It’s an award show that recognizes how much of a shit show it is, so it mixes TV actors with movie actors with alcohol. I’m surprised it has such a low rate of fist fights mid-show. It also skips all the boring awards from the Oscars that nobody gives a shit about, like sound mixing and costume design, and gives us twice as many acting awards. And it’s decided on by random journalists, who may or may not have a background in film or TV, a great recipe for entertainment.
Ricky Gervais is hosting (why tho), and he starts off his monologue insulting the host network NBC for not having any nominations. He says he’s going to be nice tonight, and that he’s changed just like Caitlyn Jenner. He switches targets to Jeffrey Tambor, saying it takes balls to dress in women’s clothing for a character. Way to start off with a healthy dose of transphobia, Ricky.
The show just started and Queen Latifah is 1000% done with Ricky Gervais.
He makes some other lame joke about companies buying Golden Globes that I don’t even get, but it gets a lot of laughs. Jennifer Lawrence made the news for asking for equal pay for women, and Ricky says there were protests on the streets lamenting the 25-year-old multimillionaire. He jokes that he’s getting paid the same amount that both Tina and Amy got paid for last year. He also finds it hilarious that the Hollywood Foreign Press Association deemed The Martian a comedy.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus really misses her BFFs Amy and Tina right now.
I think this is as close to murderous as Melissa McCarthy is able to get.
First up are Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill (as the bear from The Revenant), presenting Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture. And the winner is: Kate Winslet (Steve Jobs). She looks genuinely shocked and asks if it is really happening. I’m more interested in whoever this specimen is sitting next to Jane Fonda.
Man, somebody forgot to take his meds tonight.
Jennifer Lopez and The Rock present Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Miniseries, or Television Film. And the winner is: Maura Tierney (The Affair). This is the first ever win for her. She’s very awkward and is inexplicably wearing glasses.
Maura, we are actually live right now. You were supposed to take those off after dress.
Andy Samberg presents Best Actress in a Television Series, Musical or Comedy. He describes a much more interesting show than what I am currently watching, where Tom Hanks barfed, Cosby showed up and confessed everything, Patrick Stewart removed his bald cap and revealed a full head of hair, and Cate Blanchett and Kate Winslet fought over the proper spelling of their names. Let’s make this happen! And the winner is: Rachel Bloom (Crazy Ex-Girlfriend). First ever win for her, too. She comes out screaming. She says they almost didn’t have a show, and got six rejections in one day until they got picked up by CW. Apparently she was discovered on YouTube, which is pretty crazy, and so is she.
Even Andy Samberg thinks it’s way too early to be this drunk.
Taraji P. Henson, her eyebrows, and Terrence Howard present Best Series, Comedy. And the winner is: Mozart in the Jungle, which I have only just now heard of. Jason Schwartzman is apparently an executive producer of this show, and Saffron Burrows is taller than everyone on stage. Jason is apparently taking signups from any actor who plays an instrument. This is going to be good.
Terrence Howard is mesmerized by Taraji P. Henson’s—ahem—eyebrows.
Ricky cracks himself up about The Martian being a comedy again and welcomes Matt Damon, the only person Ben Affleck hasn’t been unfaithful to. Matt tries valiantly not to laugh at the expense of his bro. He presents his own film, The Martian.
Good effort, Matt.
Orlando Bloom and Bryce Dallas Howard present Best Miniseries or Television Film. Jesus, there’s going to be another Pirates movie? They can’t even be bothered to try to crack a joke. And the winner is: Wolf Hall, which I’ve never even heard of. The producer says that 20 years ago tonight he was on his second or third date with his now wife. Uhhhh, ok dude? That’s oddly specific.
It was nice of Orlando to wake up from his nap for this.
Amber Heard and Jaimie Alexander present Best Actor in a Miniseries or Television Film. Amber looks like the wax doll version of herself. Jaimie wins my heart by cursing out the teleprompter. And the winner is: Oscar Isaac (Show Me a Hero). Oh hey, it’s that dude from Star Wars. I’ve never seen Show Me a Hero, but he was cool in Star Wars, so I guess he deserves it. They show Harrison Ford for some reason. He looks about as awake as he did during the entire Star Wars franchise.
Too much, girl.
Jason Statham, Melissa McCarthy, and Paul Feig present Spy. Jason is fabulous at comedy, and I wish he was hosting this shit show. He grabs Paul in a chokehold. See, that’s already 100% better than anything Ricky Gervais has said all night.
If I can’t have Tina and Amy, the least they could give me is some more Chev Chelios.
Tom Ford (who?) and Lady Gaga present Best Supporting Actor in a Series, Miniseries, or Television Film. Lady Gaga tells people how awesome her stint as an actress this season was. Her expression says, “I barely tried and still got nominated. This shit is easy.” And the winner is: Christian Slater (Mr. Robot). Damn this was a competitive category. I really liked Outlander and Bloodline, so I’m surprised they picked Slater. I’m also surprised that Christian Slater still has a career. He’s apparently been an actor for 40 years.
Lady Gaga really pushed it with her outfit tonight. Maybe she’s into the same fetish as Jenna Maroney.
Jamie Foxx and Lily James are next and present Best Original Score. Jamie Foxx calls out Straight Outta Compton as the winner, making fun of Steve Harvey for his Miss Universe gaffe, with maybe a dash of Kanye at the Grammys thrown in. The actual winner is: Ennio Morricone (The Hateful Eight). Quentin Tarantino accepts the award, and he sounds like a major douchebag. He throws out the word ghetto within 5 seconds, and he says Morricone is better than Mozart and Beethoven. Jamie is shocked that Tarantino said the word ghetto, but that apparently didn’t stop him from starring in one of his movies, soooo. Jamie presents Miss Golden Globe, his daughter Corinne Bishop. She’s stunning.
Lily tries to bury herself in the stage.
Ricky Gervais makes a Donald Trump joke about deporting Latinos. Eva Longoria and America Ferrera are next, and first up they want to clarify that they are not Eva Mendez and Gina Rodriguez. Or Rosario Dawson. Or Salma Hayek. Or Charo. They present Best Actor in a Television Series, Drama. Wait, Wagner Moura is here?! Awesome! Unfortunately, the winner is: Jon Hamm (Mad Men). Okay, guys, seriously. When did Mad Men end again? How is this guy still being nominated for Don Draper? Can we get Amy Poehler a Golden Globe for Leslie Knope? Oh it’s too late?
Jon seems equally confused.
Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence present the films Trainwreck and Joy. They joke about JLaw’s celebrity nickname, and I believe Amy says people call her a cunt, but you wouldn’t know because NBC’s method of censoring swear words involves muting everything for much longer than the actual swear. I am over Amy Schumer pretending she’s not pretty.
Way to bring the stank face, JLaw.
Amy Adams presents Best Actor in a Motion Picture, Musical or Comedy. She goes straight to business. The winner is: Matt Damon (The Martian). Wow, they’re really going to see this comedy thing through, aren’t they? Even the music they pick when he is walking to stage is somber. He struggles with thanking people in 30 seconds. He sends the kids to bed over the television, so creative. It’s been 18 years since he won something. He says he’s made many movies that people didn’t watch. True that. It’s really fun to watch the poor Miss Golden Globe try to direct these actors around the stage.
Get off my stage, dumbass.
Kurt Russell and Kate Hudson (awwww) present Best Animated Feature Film. I mean, we all know Pixar is taking this right? Right. The winner is: Inside Out (surprising exactly no one). The director is extremely awkward and says his main goal in middle school was to not be seen. Too much, bro.
OMG stop being so adorable.
Ryan Gosling and Brad Pitt present The Big Short. That is way too much sexiness for one stage. Ryan is upset he’s not presenting alone, and instead is playing Robin to Brad’s Batman. Take your shirt off, Ryan, it’ll be okay. I haven’t seen the movie, but from the clips, I already love that they made people look like 2008 took place in 1988.
My body is ready.
Patricia Arquette and J.K. Simmons present Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture. Now, J.K. is someone I would actually like to present this show over Ricky Gervais. To my surprise, the winner is: Sylvester Stallone (Creed). This is kind of adorable, y’all. I’m not a huge Stallone fan, but he’s 70, with a 40-year career and this is his first acting award since his Oscar in the 70s for Rocky. Do I wish he had thanked Michael B. Jordan and Ryan Coogler? Sure, but it’s hard to snark on this award.
That’s his wife, y’all. She looks 1/3 of his age.
Will Ferrell and Mark Wahlberg present Best Screenplay. They are wearing 2016 glasses. Great. This is going to be super fucking funny. Will calls people a bunch of buttholes, and says the audience is playing grab-ass in the back. Mark saves the bit by cutting off Will’s alcohol. The winner: Aaron Sorkin (Steve Jobs). I wish he had walked and talked his way to the stage. He tells his daughter that he loves her and boys are bad.
We have reached peak Will Ferrell.
Melissa Benoist and Grant Gustin present Best Actor in a Television Series, Musical or Comedy. Aziz Ansari has a great moment holding up a book about losing to Jeffrey Tambor with dignity. The cover even has Jeffrey’s picture on it. However, the winner is: Gael Garcia Bernal (Mozart in the Jungle). It’s his first Golden Globe ever. He’s kind of adorable about it, and he is teeny tiny. He dedicates his award to music and to all the people who use it to find common ground for communication, justice, and to the music he hears every morning. I’m sure that sounded better in Spanish.
Thanks for making the lack of Amy and Tina slightly bearable, Aziz.
Helen Mirren and Gerard Butler present Best Foreign Language Film. That’s a super mismatched couple. Helen is looking fabulous. The winner is: Son of Saul (Hungary). Helen believes it’s the first time that Hungary has ever won a Golden Globe. I’m glad we have a Golden Globes historian on the stage. He tells people not to forget the Holocaust. Thanks, bro.
You use Depends, too?
Ricky Gervais says the show is way too long. For once, I agree. Kevin Hart and Ken Jeong (both super shorties) present Best Actress in a Miniseries or Television Film. Kevin jokes about how Ken doesn’t practice medicine anymore. The winner, and no I am not joking: Lady Gaga (American Horror Story: Hotel). WTF? Seriously what the fuck?! We’re going to pretend that what Lady Gaga did on that show as acting. She was pretty much acting the same way she does at her own fucking house. She says it’s one of the greatest moments of her life. Apparently she and Ryan Murphy are BFFs. I can’t get over this stupid fucking award. She throws some massive shade at the rest of the cast, saying they allowed her to shine. She also talks about how music worked out first even though she wanted to be an actress, as if Queen Latifah wasn’t sitting right fucking there. Ugh.
Before the mic was lowered.
Katy Perry is here (for some fucking reason), presenting Best Original Song. The winner is: Writings on the Wall (Spectre). Sam Smith goes up to receive his award, while awkwardly holding his crotch.
I gotta go potty after I accept this stupid award.
Ricky Gervais is starting to get drunk, and feels awkward about introducing Mel Gibson. He blames NBC for the situation. He tries to say something nice about Mel and the best he can come up with is that he’d rather drink with him than with Bill Cosby. Mel Gibson actually made it here in a tux. He’s weird and vaguely threatening. The next part is muted, but apparently Ricky asks Mel, “What the fuck is sugar tits?” Mel Gibson is here to present Mad Max. Ummm was Charlize Theron unavailable? Hell, I’d even take Tina Turner.
Alan Cumming is adorably shocked.
John Krasinski and Olivia Wilde present Best Series, Drama. The shows are pretty bleak. The winner: Mr. Robot. I guess I should watch this show now. The guy who accepted the award is apparently married to Emmy Rossum, who referred him to Rami Malek.
Remember her?
Tom Hanks shows up with a cold. He tells everyone to be quiet and they follow suit. He does a passable impression of Denzel Washington, and presents him with the Cecil B. DeMille award. He talks about actors who are notable enough to be known by one name. It must be lucky that Denzel isn’t a common name, I guess. Denzel brings his whole family onstage. His wife is amazing, and offers him his glasses, feeding him lines when he forgets them. I love her. I guess he’s the kind of guy who works better with a script.
The real backbone of the Washington family.
Ricky Gervais is as done with the show as I am with him. He introduces Morgan Freeman as the most respected actor in the room. Morgan is also done with the show and presents Best Director. Not a single fucking woman was nominated in this category. The winner is: Alejandro G. Inarritu (The Revenant). Alejandro tells Morgan he is seeing god. He says that this movie was the most difficult experience he’s ever had. He says pain is temporary, but a film is forever. Working with Leo was the best experience in his life.
