***On this week’s Subscriber Bonus of the Watch What Crappens Podcast, we talked about Netflix’s Making a Murderer. I’m obsessed. It’s a paid episode, so sorry for plugging it here, but get it for a buck if you loved that shit as much as we did. The regular Crappens episodes are all free, of course, so if you aren’t listening, do it! xo – RK
Previously, on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, a bunch of gays conspired to make Don Rickles’ trophy ho look like a retired Golden Nugget titty dancer with a mangina fold,
Mission accomplished.
…Yolanda got her meatloaf implants removed at a clown college/Planet Fitness in Chinatown, …
Yoli: Are day gonna poot me in da needle?
Doc: I da clown heah, lady. PS have you heard of zumba? We have it.
…. and the ladies ditched Vanderpump’s Palm Springs slumber party because they can’t endorse a woman whose face is on carbs. Even a damn baked good with Vanderpump’s face on it ends up looking victimized in the end, stuck there uneaten next to Da Udda One’s name.
This cupcake has done a LOT for you people.
We open where we left off, at Lisa V’s Da Udda One Cover Party.
There are like three extras left, and a sad blowup version of Hanky in the pool.
Even sadder, the only one who will speak to him is Jill Zarin, who’s trying to climb the bushes to get into the party.
Vanderpump is psyched to be on the front of any magazine, but knowing that seeing her and Bella on the same cover will make Yolanda’s head explode with Resentment Lyme makes this one special.
The ladies mozy on over to a fancy celebration dinner. Kyle tries to hide her judgment. Not a Fatburger truck in sight. What kind of White People Party is this?
Vanderpump opens by thanking God and humanity and the universe. Kidding! She immediately starts talking shit in her Easter Bonnet.
One of the Lisas’ mutual friends is going through a bad divorce, and it’s just AWFUL to see friends rip each other apart like that. She’s saying it in her “Dahling I just remembered, Kim Richards is in prison for life” tone, which means she’s lobbing up a serve for someone else to swing at.
Rinna agrees that it’s sad, not taking the bait. Well done. Kyle just halfheartedly agrees that messy divorces are gross while she scrolls through Mauri’s Find My Friends locations. Eileen falls for it, though. Sucka.
She says that it’s weird to have such animosity towards a person you spent time loving and talking about your children’s futures with. Rinna and Kyle nod in that “If my husband leaves I’ll ruin his motherfucking life” kinda way.
Please tell me there’s at least a Wendy’s truck on its way.
Vanderpump is all DAHLING! You’ve been divorced, right? Eileen’s been divorced twice. V clarifies, “so you’ve been married twice?” Hon, if she’s married now and she’s been divorced twice, …I’m not gonna teach math to a woman who claims to be in charge of a waiter tip pool.
Eileen does the math for her and says she’s been married three times. Vanderpump groans loudly and curses. She is a baseball celebrity now and understands that the third strike is when you’re out, and she’s not comfortable with the idea of having a lesbian friend yet.
THREE TIMES? DAHHHHLING! Eileen’s taken aback. Everyone knows her history, especially this one. She invited Eileen into her CLOSET, dahling. Not just anyone gets in there. What’s the ish, betch?
Vanderpump is fascinated by loose morals, dahling. Don’t think she’s Miss Manners just because of how she speaks. She’s wearing a bonnet. At NIGHT. She wants to know all the drama. What’s the point of having illicit affairs if you can’t discuss them with your girlfriends? On national TV years later?
Eileen has ironed out the kinks of her explanation by now, and she doles it out calmly. She was married for six months, which doesn’t count cuz duh actresses always marry a stupid good for nothing poor person first so it doesn’t count. Then she was married again to someone richer but more boring and met a dude brave enough to go by the name Dickie on the set of her show.
Lisa: So you put his penis inside of you, dahling?
Eileen: No. We were friends first.
Lisa: Friends who put private pahts on each other’s private pahts?
Eileen: No. Well, it wasn’t like that?
Lisa: Like what? Sounds amazing. An affair. With a man named Dickie.
Lisa: No, not an affair. I was separated.
Lisa: Not divorced then? While you were having an affair with … DICKIE? And his…dickie? Made a joke there.
Elieen: …Funny.
Lisa: So is he the three? I mean the one?