Hi, Trashies! It’s week two here on The Bachelor and the crazy is just getting started. Are you ready? I know I am. Here we go!
The show starts out with all ladies reciting their lines about how wonderful they think Ben is. Meanwhile, Ben is putting on his pants and telling us how excited he is to be The Bachelor.
It’s a nice change up from the usual “Bachelor takes a shower outdoors” shot.
Also, we have to talk about something. I’m pretty sure that Ben might really be a 14-year-old girl based on his Twittr bio.
I’m fairly certain he stole that from a middle schooler’s AIM profile.
Blah, blah, blah, could be my first date with my future wife, blah, blah, blah. Back at the house, there is a date card. It’s for Jackie, LB, Lauren H., Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee (my favorite!), Jennifer, and Lace. Aw, it’s cute that Lace thinks that she can redeem herself. The clearly doesn’t when she thinks that a date card that says, “Let’s learn about love” means that Ben “in into tall brunettes named Lace.” I can hear her IQ dropping.
“LOOK HOW NOT CRAZY I CAN BE!”
The ladies arrive for the date…
Worst. School. Ever.
Ben just wants the date to be goofy and fun, so he’s taking the ladies back to school. I guess it makes sense. The guy who peaked in high school wants to end up with a woman who also peaked in high school. It’s only fair that they be on the same level.
And this is how Chris Harrison dresses when he wants to pretend to be a teacher…
He’s dressed like a teache in a porno.
Though it’s not as bad as Mandi’s pants.
A dentist should be able to afford to dress better than this.
The ladies will be in teams of two. At the end of each “class” one team will be eliminated. The winner will get to be Ben’s homecoming queen. Jackie tells us that she was never homecoming queen, so it would be nice to have that “glory moment” now.
Or you could grow up and move on from high school.
The first class is science. The first four teams to make Ben’s volcano explode will be moving on. How’s that for a metaphor?
Subtle.
Jubilee promises not to murder Lace after they lose because, well, Lace is an idiot. Come on, Jubilee. No one would mind.
The next “class” is lunch. The ladies have to bob for apples and make sure they get a red one. “Red. Like my heart,” says Ben. “Ew,” says PopePhilly. It takes Jackie entirely too long to get the red apple and she and her partner (I have no idea who) are eliminated. The next “class” is Geography. The ladies have to pick out the cutout of the state of Indiana (where Ben is from) and then place it on the map of the US. Most of them are pretty close. There there’s Becca and JoJo:
Go home, Indiana. You are drunk.
Last up, it’s gym class. The reaming four ladies make free throws about as well as Becca and JoJo can figure out states. Amber and Mandi (the yellow team) are the final team. However, there can only be one homecoming team. They’re going to run hurdles and get to Ben. The winner will be crowned homecoming queen. Amber wants to win this because it’s always been her dream to be homecomign queen. Amber is 30-years-old. She needs to get a new dream.
Let’s all laugh at Amber’s dream being crushed!
Can this really be considered a prize?
And we move onto the nighttime portion of the date! This is where the drama happens. We all know how this goes. While Lace is telling us that she still wants to redeem herself, Becca snags some alone time with Ben. They just go and shoot some hoops for a bit. It’s pretty boring, really. However, in a tight dress and heels, Becca kicks Ben’s ass at basketball.
After a few minutes, Ben moves on to Jennifer. And we have our first actual kiss!
Lace’s kiss on night one doesn’t count.
When Lace hears about the kiss, she puts on her best Ashley S. face.
Ben’s kisses are like onions…
Back at the house, a date card arrives. This is the start of the greatest part of the entire season. Olivia’s ridiculously large mouth.
Of course it has its own Twitter handle.
I browse Reddit sometimes when I’ve got some downtime at work. The members of their Bachelor forum have given here the nickname :Olivia. I’m going to call her that for the reast of her time on this show.
I’ll also just leave this here.
The jokes were plentiful, so here are my favorites:
I like snarky Chris Soules!
Anyway, the card is for Caila. She’s getting on my nerve’s real fast. She reminds me a little bit of Catherine from Sean’s season…if Catherine tried way too hard all the time. Seriously, Cailia is just always on and it’s annoying as hell. Shut up, Caila.
Oh, hey, let’s go back to the date. Lace is feeling neglected, so she steals Ben away from Mandi. She wants to make a better impression than she did on night one. Honestly, it’s not so bad. She makes a nice apology and tells Ben she’s happy to be here. Ben seemsing understaning – he’s been in her shoes. He understands how crazy it can be. Unfortunately, Lace is still fixated on eye contact (she thinks she and Ben are “eye fucking”) and is convinced they’re about to kiss. That is, until…
Jubilee saves the day!
Lace rants to the camera and I realize something. Sober Lace sounds exactly like drunk Lace. I need her to stay around for a long time. This woman is hilarious.
Jubilee is really impressed by Ben’s work with children in Honduras because she was born in Haiti and was adopted when she was 6-years-old. Ben seems legitimately impressed by Jubilee.
Take that, Lace.
When Jubilee returns, Lace complains to her about not getting more time. Everyone tries to shut her down by saying that some people have had no time. With that, Lace goes to demand some more time from Ben. Remember how she wanted to make a better impression on Ben? Well, she somehow makes a worse one when she starts with, “I’m not crazy. I just need one more minute.” If you have to constantly tell people you’re not crazy, you’re probably lying.
Case in point.
Ben tries to humor her, but it really seems like he’s just trying to avoid getting stabbed. And there is still no kiss. When Lace returns to the group, it’s basically just silent until JoJo asks her what happened. As if on cue, Ben comes over to ask JoJo to spend some time with him. They hang out on the roof and just talk about how much they like one another.
Take that again, Lace!
With that, JoJo gets the group date rose. You’ll never guess who’s pissed! Did you guess Lace? I’m sure that’s a shock to everyone. Jubilee is a class act. The only thing she says is that it’s disappointing.
The next day, Ben arrives to pick up Caila. Chris Harrison planned this date for them. Because we have to advertise something on this show, Kevin Hart and Ice Cube are here to promote their movie Ride Along.
This is a long way from N.W.A.
Basically, Caila and Ben will be hanging out with this two for the day. So, not really a one-on-one date, I guess. Also, it would suck to have these two on a date. They’re infinitely more interesting than Ben is. Caila is going to be so bored when it’s just the two of them. Kevin suggests to Ben that they go on an inexpensive date to see what Caila’s reaction will be.
They pick up flowers on the side of the road and then go to the liquor store. Ben asks Caila why she decided to come on the show. Unfortunately, she doesn’t let her crazy flag fly and keeps the whole “I broke up with my boyfriend for you” answer to herself. Then they get real deep and fall about their favorite colors. Oh, then they go to a hot tub store and try one out.
Oh, hey, Jillian’s black box is back!
Back at the house, Amanda is video chatting with her kids. We don’t see much of that because she just tells us that she hasn’t had time with Ben and she wants time to talk to him and at least tell him that she has kids. With that, a date card arrives!
No reason. Just laughing at :Olivia’s mouth again.
The date card is for Emily, Shushanna, Sam, :Olivia, Hayley, and Amanda. It just says, “Are we a perfect match?”
On the date, Ben and Caila are having dinner because that’s what happens on every one-on-one date since forever. As usual, they talk about their past relationships. Caila starts to talk about her last relationship and how she thought it was fate. But she leaves out the part where she saw Ben on TV and broke up with her boyfriend for him. Dammit! I was hoping Ben would be able to see that Lace really isn’t the craziest person on this show! Anyway, Caila gets a rose and then they go to a theater.
Caila says this is sweet. I just think it’s cringey.
They go inside and get a free concert (of course) from Amos Lee. Ben says that he loves Amos Lee and even says one of the songs is his all time favorite. I’d be willing to bet my entire paycheck that Ben has never actually heard of Amos Lee before this moment.
The next morning, we start with :Olivia telling us how badly she wants the rose on the group date.
Seriously, stop it.
The ladies arrive at the Love Lab (yep, the Love Lab) and they follow a robot to Ben. Basically, they’re going to do some experiments to assign a numerical score to see who is the best match for Ben. One of them is even testing how the ladies smell to Ben. That gives us Shushanna’s only English of the entire season.
“Because I haven’t eaten cabbage for…two weeks.”
We find out that Samantha smells sour. So, yeah, there’s that. After that, there’s a weird experiment where each of the ladies are alone with Ben to see what chemicals they’re giving off. Remember when Sean told Ben not to let the ladies see his different relationships?
So much for that!
Yep. The ladies are watching every single one of the interactions. With that, the results are in. Samantha gets the lowest score with 2.42/10. The highest score goes to :Olivia with a 7.45/10.
But I bet it dropped considerably after Ben saw this face.
The :Olivia yells “WINNING!” and I have flashbacks to Courtney Robertson from the last time a Ben was the Bachelor.
People named Ben bring out the stupid in others.
That night, Ben is rocking a pretty terrible hoodie and blazer combo.
Seriously, who taught you how to dress?
Since :Olivia got the highest score, Ben takes her for the first one-on-one time. They just go up to his hotel room. Wait, he doesn’t have a whole house like the past Bachelors have had? What a rip off! During their conversation, both Ben and :Olivia say they weren’t surprised by her high score since they both feel a connection. Then they kiss and I’m amazed that :Olivia doesn’t unhinge her jaw and swallow him whole.
The other ladies are pissy when :Olivia comes back and are put off by the fact that she doesn’t want to talk about her time with Ben. Personally, I think that’s a good thing. She kept her private time private. Meanwhile, Ben is on a date with one of the twins (I have no idea which one) and she is concerned that he seems to go for more of the outgoing personalities. He reassures her that she’s there for a reason. Yeah, and that reason is that Ben could only send home a small number of ladies on the first night. I wonder if he has any idea which twin he’s speaking to.
During his time with Sam, Ben apologizes for saying she smelled sour earlier and wants to try again. This time, he recognizes passion fruit. No straight man knows what passion fruit smells like. Shushanna tells us that she came to the US with $400, one pair of jeans, and two bottle of vodka. At least she has her priorities in order.
After that, Amanda plays the mom card. Also, did she say her one daughter’s name was Jarlie? What the fuck kind of name is that?! I’d understand Charlie (I’ve known some women named Charlotte who’ve gone by Charlie), but Jarlie?! That name plus her appearance on this show is enough to declare Amanda and unfit mother.
Amanda makes really bad decisions.
After that, it’s time to award the group date rose. To everyone’s dismay, it goes to :Olivia. Amanda is really upset because she thought their conversation went so well. Basically, she played “I left my kids at home” card and it didn’t work out. No sympathy rose for you, Amanda.
It’s time for the cocktail party and rose ceremony! Although she has a rose, :Olivia still wants to take some time with Ben. I will never undertand why people think this is so unfair. The point of the game is to get to know Ben. :Olivia is simply making things happen. Amber keeps complaining about not getting time with Ben, but she’s not actually making any effort to talk to him at all. You can’t complain if you don’t do something. Granted, :Olivia is kind of a bitch when she says, “Well, I’m done. Everyone else can have at it now!”
Ooh! Crazy Lace wants to talk to :Olivia privately! This is going to be awesome!
Cue the violins from Psycho!
Lace reiterates that she doesn’t want Ben to think she’s some crazy girl. Spoiler: he already does. She tries to say that she’s just bold and “a lot ot handle.” Also, she has a lot of stuff she’s working on right now. There are enough red flags here to hold a parade in honor of Chairman Mao.
This is a look of sheer terror.
I’ve never heard more relief in anyone’s voice than I did in Ben’s when Lauren B. (I think it was Lauren B. – I’m just guessing at this poin) interrupted this all. Right after that, Lace slurs to us that “insecure Lace” came out and she never wanted that to happen. Seriously, have we actually seen this woman sober?
Oh! I was right! It was Lauren B! Anyway, Ben wanted to give her something to remind her that he is thinking of her. It’s a picture of their first conversation.
It was nice of some producer to print that off and tell Ben to give it to Lauren B.
They couldn’t even put that photo in a dollar store frame? How cheap is this show? For some reason, Lauren B. thinks that she’s learned a lot about her self while she was here. I guess there is very little else for her to do when she’s in the house and just waiting for Ben to pay attention to her. When that’s done, Ben gives a woman I don’t recognize at all a blue ribbon for the largest explosion at the science fair.
Fakest laugh ever.
The next segment was obviously set up by the producers to make Amanda cry. She and Ben are going to glue some roses to some hair clips for her daughters.
Oh, finally it’s time for the rose ceremony. JoJo, Caila, and :Olivia all have roses. The other ladies staying are:
Amanda
Jubilee
Lauren B.
Leah
Becca
Rachel
Lace (the fuck?!)
LB
Oh! She wants to talk to him for a moment. Simply, she doesn’t think this is the right place for her, so she decides to go home. Time for more roses!
Jennifer
Emily
Jamie
Lauren H. (She’s the one who got the science fair ribbon!)
Shushanna
Hayley
Amber
That means Samantha and her sour smell are leaving along with Crazy Mandi and some woman I don’t remember. Ben gives us a sob story about how all these women came here to meet him and now he has to send them home and it doesn’t make sense. What about it doesn’t make sense? That’s the point of the show!
Anyway, that’s it for this week. What do you think? It seems our villains are Lace and :Olivia. I hope they both stay long because they’re entertaining as hell!
Until next week, Trashies!
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