Hello Trash Talkers! I am back at my empty corner of the bar, snarking on shady skanks. We were smothered with two episodes of Mob Wives back to back so let’s get to it. It’s an elite cast, people, so let’s get the intros over for the new readers (there has to be at least one), so they’ll know who the hell I am talking about.
Returning for the final season we have:
Karen Gravano, daughter of rat Sammy “The Bull”. She wears this status as a badge of honor. Her father is best known for ratting out the supposedly beloved Mob Boss, John Gotti, to save his own arse. Karen appointed herself HBIC long ago. She may be an oversized bitch with the ugliest boyfriend alive, but she has a famous father. Nevermind as to WHY he is famous. She is also best friends with Jennifer Graziano, the creator and an executive producer of the show.
Renee Graziano, close friend to Karen and most batshizz crazy woman on the show, ever. Her finest moment was when she had full body lipo and we were treated to close-up of a huge slab of her bloody fat. She spends much of the episodes screeching, but her waggish lines are usually entertaining. Her mob ties are connected to her father. Anthony Graziano is a former consigliere in the Bonanno crime family.
Big Ang is Queen Bee of the show, according to most viewers. Like Karen and Renee, she has legit mob ties. Her uncle was the captain of the Genovese crime family. She has a husky laugh, a ridiculous wardrobe and the biggest boobs on reality tv.
Drita D’Avanzo is Big Ang’s best friend and Karen’s sometimes enemy. Her husband, Lee, a former (?!) bank robber and alleged member of the Bannano crime family, is also Karen’s ex.
Carla Facciola is an original cast member. Her father is associated with the Gambino crime family. Her ex is also a criminal, who was probably released much earlier than he should have been. He is nowhere near as unattractive as Karen’s walking garbage dump, Storm.
Natalie G. and D. got the ax. May they rest in peace. Those two were clueless bitches with no mob background whatsoever. Nat D. simply made one up. Nat G.’s claim to fame was that her family owned a funeral parlor frequented by unfortunate mob casualties. I have no doubt that their storylines last season contributed to the network’s decision that this is the final season.
There are two newbies, Brittany and Marissa. You probably won’t like either one of them.
Now, on with the show!
We arrive at Karen’s house for a cookout. I am not impressed. What’s the point of having fat friends if they can’t cook you piles of enticing food? Renee is there, along with Karen’s daughter, Karina. Somehow Karina lucked out and got her father’s metabolic rate. Renee is relaxed (Xanax, maybe) and personable. She is sponsoring a Mob Candy float in The Mermaid Parade in Coney Island. Since Karina’s the closest to having a washboard belly, Renee needs her. Anything to prevent most of them from showing more skin than I can stomach.
Karen, who is a crap hostess, tells Renee she wants to bring her friend Brittany to the parade. Uh huh. Renee, like me, does not want another new cast member on the show. Too bad. Brittany’s father, John Fogarty, roomed with Sammy while he was behind bars. She’s family! She is also a model (insert hysterical laughter). She sounds so much like our old friends, Nats 1 and 2!
Oh HELL no. She better not be.
Time to visit Big Ang. Her hair is the most unfortunate shade of brass, and I’m loving it. She didn’t even bother to tone down the indoor tan for it, either. Check out this haystack:
Big Ang is not just a victim of a bad dye job. She’s dealing with one of the biggest bitches of all…cancer! They found a tumor the size of a lemon in her throat, which she had removed. No more smoking and nothing but crap food. Withdrawal is going to be hell. Hopefully it will lead to some epic fights.
*Unfortunately, it was recently announced that the cancer has returned. Buddha chants for Big Ang.*
Drita, who is going to milk this show for all it’s worth, is working on a book about her life. Get a step on it, Drita, this is the last season! We get to see her show her old house in the projects to her daughters. She’s been through a lot, and this book deal will be therapeutic. That and she could rake in some extra cash. Lee doesn’t see it that way, but I know his lazy ass will feel differently once the checks come in.
The women meet and catch up each other’s lives. When Drita mentions her book, Karen gives her a bitch face. NO ONE is allowed to write a book but HER! Please, woman. Ang did and it was almost as good as yours. Renee asks everyone to appear on her Mob Candy float in The Mermaid Parade. Ang has a doctor’s appointment. Drita will find an excuse not to go. The rest are stuck.