Greetings, trash bags! Welcome back to another exciting week of Dance Moms! Last week, Jojo almost died and the Broadway Dance Academy almost didn’t get to compete but everything was quickly resolved per usual. This week, everyone is still excited about last week’s victory and are ready for some more dance, but Abby is late to rehearsal! The moms are quick to bicker about how much of a hypocrite Abby is because she chews their heads off when they are late. Abby eventually shows up but stops to take a look in the mirror and spray half a can of hairspray in her giant mane of hair. Then she needs to go and find a comb to tease her hair even. Abby doesn’t even have any eyebrows on yet and she seems a bit distracted, what the fuck is going on with Abby, you guys?
It’s the first pyramid of the season and Abby starts everything off by telling them even though they won, they won because other teams lost points, so fuck you guys, you didn’t even really win. Who is at the very bottom of the pyramid? Maddie! Has this ever happened before? Granted, it’s only because she didn’t compete but Mackenzie is still excited as she excitedly claps her hands with a shit-eating grin. Of course, she didn’t really beat Maddie in the pyramid, but STILL! Melissa says right now it’s Mackenzie’s time to shine, which coincidentally is at the same time of Maddie’s absence. We all know her time to shine will come to a screeching halt once Maddie returns. Kalani is next on the bottom of the list and it’s also because she wasn’t there to compete. Mackenzie is next on the bottom and she actually did compete so I guess this means she’s the true loser of the squad. Abby tells her that her lines and posture are poor and Melissa is quick to disagree with her. She doesn’t have anything to respond with, she just simply disagrees. Abby flips her shit because she does not like it when people talk back to her, especially when it’s her pet Melissa. Melissa explains that she is going to start speaking up for Mackenzie because it was suggested to her last season. Then they do a flashback to last season and show Jill kindly suggesting that she defend Mackenzie, to which Melissa immediately brushes her off and tells her to go fuck herself. Kendall is the last on the bottom of the pyramid and Abby explains it’s because she kicked the plastic bubble last week, that little piece of shit! Nia is on the next tier of the pyramid and Abby applauds her for making physical contact with the plastic ball and Holly rolls her eyes. So, rule of thumb, Abby loves it when you physically touch the plastic bubble, but you better not fucking kick said plastic bubble. Jojo is the second to top of the pyramid and Abby salutes her for taking one for the team and dancing inside the suffocating plastic bubble. Jojo takes the opportunity to thank the academy and is all like “I had such a great time in the plastic bubble, it was a true honor” and then Abby interrupts her to announce the winner of the pyramid: Brynn! Brynn’s picture on the top of the pyramid looks so eerily similar to Maddie, I’m beginning to convince myself that Abby made her in a laboratory when she found out Maddie was pursuing other opportunities.
This week’s competition will be in Calabasas and Jojo asks if this is the one where the judges verbally judge you after your performance. Abby confirms this and Jojo begins to express how excited she is but no one seems to care what Jojo has to say. I’m beginning to understand why Abby doesn’t want her to talk so much. Kendall gets a solo and it will be about meltdowns because she had the audacity to have a minor meltdown the week before. Kendall has some nerve getting upset about having her talent insulted and watching her mom lose her shit on national TV, that dumb ass little kid. The second solo goes to Mackenzie and it’s going to be about just wanting to go home and eat chips on the couch, or what most people call depression. Then they show a clip of Mackenzie saying she wants to go home and eat chips from a past season. Abby then takes the opportunity to tell Mackenzie she sucks and Melissa tries to defend her but basically is just like “no, she doesn’t suck” and Abby argues that she still has the same weaknesses from years ago and Melissa just keeps repeating herself. Abby doesn’t like this and tells her to shut up.
The fuck you say to me, bitch?
Nia gets the third and last solo and it will be based off Cookie, the crack-dealing ex-prisoner from FOX’s Empire. Holly lights up and can’t wait to see what racist choreography Abby comes up with. The ideas are so lazy, Abby must have come up with them while watching Empire and eating. Abby also lets the girls know that who ever places highest in their solos will get another solo next week.