So here we are, The Finale!!! Just one last 50 minute episode and then we can all take nice hot showers and try to cleanse ourselves of this godawful season. But first, let us remember that a majority of drunk Golden Globe voters elected to give Lady Gaga an award for her ACTING in this show. Take it away, Leo:
*SNORK* I could watch that clip over and over forever.
And so. We start this episode off a year after last episode, because Murphy is already super bored with the last eleven plotlines and it’s time to start an entirely new story or four. Liz Taylor is lying on one of the hotel beds in a close-up, and since we’re now doing a completely different show we need him to exposit the entire set-up for this episode. “All the previous owners are dead,” he voices over. Except that, you know, everyone thinks Will Drake is still alive since he’s a visible ghost who talks to people, so the hotel is still under his ownership, and even if he were legally dead, his missing son would be owner. But who cares. Liz says the hotel is under new management, which I guess means him and Bates. They were going to redesign the hotel in their image blah blah blah and then a nice pointy fingernail slices his neck open in the worst special effect ever.
WTF is this? Red ink sprinkled over the video? Come ON, Murphy!
But that was just foreshadowing, and now we go back to a few days before…
*Ding!* *Ding!* New guests checking in! Bates and Liz come out with big cheesy smiles on their faces and offer the new victims guests a glass of champagne. Bates stage whisper exposits that this couple are the hotel reviewers from some internet site, and they must be at the hotel for the new grand re-opening. Liz continues the exposition as he leads the guests to their room. Liz and Bates sold the Countess’s art collection (I thought she was broke?) and they got enough money to renovate and redecorate the rooms. 400 count Egyptian cotton sheets, etc. It definitely looks way, way, WAY better than the crappy 1970 Motel 6 theme the rooms had going before.
A Toto Neorest 700H, Baby!
Only $6500 each at your local Home Depot, and I imagine it gilds your poop before it self-flushes right down to the sewer. Yeah, I’m so sure the broke Countess’s art collection was worth a $6500 toilet in each room.
For the Hotel Cortez to survive its re-opening they need to get its rating up to four stars. What better way than to provide an extra amenity in their room:
One crackhead hooker drug dealer named Hypo Sally. No extra charge.
Blah blah blah renovated the hotel and removed my special demon filled mattresses blah blah blah I hurt so bad blah blah but they didn’t remove me blah.
PAIN. Blah. Blah.
She fills her syringe and when Mr. Reviewer tries to kindly eject Sally from the room, she plunges it into his heart and we have another Mia Wallace.
Mrs. Reviewer goes screaming down the hallway about the crazy bitch who killed her partner but she runs smack into Will Drake’s ghost. He gleefully knifes her in the neck.
Cut to Liz back in the hotel room trying to wipe up another pile of Mia Wallace vomit, and pissed because they have stain on their brand new carpet, AGAIN. Liz and Bates know better than anyone how dangerous their hotel is, they should have put in brown and maroon splotched carpet. No sympathy for you two on this, sorry. I guess Laundress Evers is still on strike.
Bates is worried they’re going to end up with zero stars if the ghosts don’t stop killing the guests. Ya think?
“It’s time to have another goddamn meeting.”
Creepy Credits. Let’s sing this show out with the promises it made us three months ago:
Maybe someone will hire whomever creates all these opening credits to do the entire next season.
And so Liz and Bates hold a meeting at the Overlook Bar with a very very small group of the known ghosts in this hotel. We see the original Swedish tourist girls, Marcy the Realtor, Tristan’s lumberjack, the porn star, Will Drake, Sally and Laundress Evers. Marcy the Realtor wants a better, more private room so she can read her erotic novels without being interrupted by, you know, paying guests. But this isn’t a request session, Liz explains, the purpose of this meeting is to get them to Stop. Killing. The Guests. A couple football teams are moving to town, and they could be a super hoity toity successful hotel if guests were actually allowed to check out. The ghosts just scoff, and Drake accuses Bates of being the biggest killer of them all. She says she only drinks “donated” blood now… donated by the Demon Blondies? Don’t bother wondering because we don’t find out.