Welcome back to Newlyweds, kids! This week we return to three couples who make us all feel like we have the most romantic, best relationships in the world by comparison and one couple that is not the absolute worst.
Last week: Craig and Brandon go on the worst camping trip ever and discuss last names. Rob and Ro moved and screamed. Adonis locked it down with the woman he plans on continuing to cheat with. Rob and Tara leave to go on their honeymoon to Italy and Tara has a fake freak out.
We open on Rob and Tara. Rob turned the car around last week and now Tara claims she had a severe panic attack. So… they did not go on their honeymoon.
Chumming the waters for a wife that will get on a plane.
Rob is pissed. WTF to both of you. If one of you is terrified of flying, why would you plan a honeymoon that requires a plane ride? To Italy and back from California is at least four plane rides. I do not want to hear about your inability to plan/the resulting amount of money you wasted by cancelling last minute.
Feel sorry for me. I could have gone to Italy but I got scawred.
Adonis and Erica are beginning their life of marital bliss hell. Erika already complains about how bad she felt during the wedding and her myriad of trust issues.With her husband of THREE DAYS.
They are so gross. They are going to Hawaii for their honeymoon. Erica makes it clear that there will be activities and not just sitting on the beach like fatties. This will be hard for Adonis.
In home-ec class today, kids, we have guest speakers Rob and Ro! They are here to explain to us how bank accounts work!
You put all the muscle milk into a barrel and store it under the sink and then every time you feel swoll, the government puts a dollar into a joint checking account. Which we should have.
Rob wants a joint checking account and Ro wants two linked, but separate accounts. Rob is concerned that Ro will just spend it all. Son, if she’s going to spend it all, a joint account will not give her accountability (ha, ha, humor!).
Ro needs money for her fashion blog shopping spending and Rob wants to pay bills. These seem like more fake issues. If you have been living together for years, especially in anticipation of marriage, you definitely know how to pay bills together and be accountable to each other when it comes to spending money. Distrust in spending is something that should be worked out BEFORE marriage and before she drains your bank account dry.
Never take videos from this angle again.
My favorite thing is happening at Rob and Tara’s house when it comes to Rob and Tara: Silence.
OCD OCD OCD OCD OCD
I hate you.
My wife sucks, but the goods news is now you can come over, bro.
You forget to say I’m hot, honey. Scared and sucks and is hot. That’s the list.
Tara announces that she would like to go to Italy in three weeks, after she has gotten enough electroshock therapy to get on a plane (or three). Rob refuses because he has already spent more money on her than all of his ex-wives combined. I want them to go on a trip SO BAD. Can you imagine if they got trapped in Italy because she wouldn’t get on a plane? Or trapped in New Jersey?
Exactly how we feel.
Tara has now been fully brainwashed and is also blaming her parents for her OCD and crazy stress. Rob’s plan to make sure he never has to seen those Persians again is in full swing!
Then I think Rob compares losing the money on the honeymoon trip that was not to happen to his drug addiction spending? Either way, boooooo to all of this. I hate flying, but if I felt that I could not get on a plane, I WOULD NOT PLAN A TRIP TO EUROPE. Go on a cruise.
Back in happier places, Craig and Brandon are going to Vegas to see Brandon’s sister Bree and her wife, Jen. Jen had the couple’s first baby and now Bree is ready to have a baby herself. The baby daddy will be Craig. This is going to be either an immensely happy occasion or one fraught with drama. I’m okay with either option, really.
Babies in his eyes.
Craig is incredibly mature and rational in his decision. He wants only to be the donor and be an uncle to the future child because the baby will already have two parents. He also recognizes that this may result in a mix of emotions because biologically the child will be his. This little scene actually gave me the feels. They are doing an incredible thing and act in a manner that shows how certain they are about their future. SO. CUTE.