Celebitchy – The Year’s Most Glamorous Celebration of White Power is Upon Us
Upcoming Oscars host Chris Rock tweeted a preview of the boring, vanilla awards show over the weekend, asking us all to tune into the “white BET Awards.” This joke’s better than anything I could write myself, so I’ll just leave it at that. In the meantime, Reverend Al Sharpton, Spike Lee, and Jada Pinkett Smith are beginning to stir the dregs of a boycott. To be honest with you, I’d rather stay home and get wasted on vodka and Totinos Pizza Rolls anyway. I’m sorry, but this shit is turning into Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence’s annual prom night. Smiling adorkably is only cute for so long, especially when it becomes obvious that you and the other beautiful kids at school are beginning to form impenetrable cliques.
Gawker – Oh Haha Hillary’s Just Waiting for It To Be OnDemand [Nervous Giggle]
Answering a question by CNN’s Jake Tapper, Hillary Clinton admitted that she’s “too busy” campaigning to salivate over hot ripped Jim Halpert in 13 Hours, the new “Benghazi” movie. Naturally, that’s set her up for a wave of clever backlash, which you can check out on Gawker, but I don’t know. If you ask me, figuring out how to deal with the massive pumpkin dust storm that is Trump is probably pretty time consuming and DVR’d Housewives take priority at the end of the day.
TMZ – Beep Beep Truck Fulla Dildos Comin Through
Pornographic Simpsons RedTube banner ad come to life Miley Cyrus has decided to take the plunge and move in with her court-appointed mentor Liam Hemsworth. Paparazzi caught her unloading a U-Haul, which she must have rented on the notice that no professional moving company in Los Angeles could ensure a 12-foot diamond-encrusted teddy bear with an erection.
People – Let’s Play Is He Dead or Is He Not Dead!
First up: singer Don McLean!
… Not dead! Wow, could have fooled me. No, apparently the “American Pie” singer and nothing else is still bumbling around up in Maine, where he was recently arrested for misdemeanor domestic violence. Good for you, Don! Way to survive the elements.
EW – The Max is Closed for Good
Zack Morris spank bank muse Tiffani Thiessen has assured Entertainment Weekly that there will be no Saved By the Bell reboot, politely asking America to get the fuck over these stupid nostalgia projects that always fizzle into irrelevance, ruin the legacy of a great thing, and wind up sad and forgotten in an old Hollywood warehouse. Besides, if you’re really looking to get your fill of true, over-the-top SBTB camp, turn no further than the countless DVDs, Jimmy Fallon’s masturbatory reunion, the rare clip of the wedding in Las Vegas, Lifetime’s supremely off-brand “unauthorized” movie, the god awful but deliciously humiliating College Years episodes, and my fanfiction in which Tori dies slowly in a fire at a leather jacket factory, coming soon to my Angelfire site. Move on, Tigers!
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