Hey you trash bags, welcome back to another week of children being verbally abused by grown-ups, or as Lifetime likes to call it, Dance Moms! Last week, Melissa tried pretending her backbone wasn’t made out of Twizzlers, but that didn’t last long. This week, Abby treats everyone like shit for not winning last week while her legal troubles start to catch up with her!
Everyone is ready to start rehearsal but not before Abby announced that the “minis” will be arriving shortly. The producers then cut to a clip of minis auditions where a small child is crying and being yelled at by Abby and her dead heart. Get the fuck out of here, small child. Far away from here. It’s too late for me but please SAVE YOURSELVES! Holly repeats her concerns about Abby not being focused on the girls if he has a second team and Melissa tries to act like she is concerned about Abby’s legal issues. Sounds like she yearns to return to the warm embrace of Abby’s hell.
Abby is about to reveal where everyone placed on the pyramid but doesn’t pass up the opportunity to berate everyone about their performances last week and express how much she misses Maddie and that none of this would be happening if she were there. Now that the girls somehow feel even less good about themselves, let’s take a look at the pyramid, shall we? Kendall earned herself a spot on the very bottom, probably because she had the audacity to cry and be beautiful, that little fucking fuck. Nia is next to last because she got 2nd place but she was also the first to lose. Mackenzie is next and it’s probably because she is the only person to come out of Melissa’s vagina as someone who is NOT Maddie. On the next tier we have Brynn, who, as Abby puts it, wasn’t stellar but didn’t make any mistakes. And then we have Jojo, who earned her spot because she really got into character last week. On the top of the pyramid this week is Kalani and the only reason Abby gives is because her mom just had a baby. Then we are treated to Kalani’s interview where she recites a scripted statement about being everyone on the team’s big sister but now she is REALLY a big sister and blah blah blah. Basically, her ability to convince us that she isn’t reading cue cards make Melissa look like Meryl Streep.
Because she won the most points last week, Kendall has another solo and it’s called “All Eyes on Me”. This is usually the part where Abby explains the dance and her inspiration but instead, she talks about how badly Kendall fucked up last week. Jessalynn tries to defend Kendall by saying she was upset about the makeup ordeal but her concerns fall on deaf ears.
Jojo gets the other solo and we don’t know much about it except she won’t be allowed to wear a bow all week (how unfair!) and she’s going to show us the dark side, apparently.
The group dance is called “Straight Outta Pittsburgh” and it’s going to be a hip-hop routine, which has the whole group really excited! Because Abby is spreading herself thin this week, she has recruited the help of two of her tiny dancers that she employed at the studio.
So, I’m really curious what Holly’s opinion is regarding Abby not paying as much attention to the girls this week due to the mini auditions. Thankfully, she finally opens up and lets us all know she is concerned and doesn’t think it is fair or a good idea. Thanks for being brave and speaking up, Hol.
The minis are here and are unknowingly auditioning to be Abby’s next Maddie. They think they’re here to be on the mini dance team but we all know they’re here because their moms are starving for a little slice of D-list fame. Naturally, the moms all start talking about how great their kids are and try to pimp them out to Abby. All of the moms are talking about leaving their homes and the burdens that are their other children for an AUDITION and I am wondering WHAT THE FUCK is in Abby’s Kool-Aid and why does everyone want a drink?
Jill tries to initiate a group discussion with the girls about how much the minis suck and that they need to go. Even though the dance was her idea, Abby doesn’t think the team will win a hip-hop routine without Maddie so she cheats and inserts three boy dancers that she found off Craigslist in the temp dancer section. She also doesn’t want the girls to sit on their lazy dancer asses when they aren’t rehearsing so she assigns everyone to learn someone else’s solo to both keep them occupied and also keep the original soloist paranoid that her solo might be taken away.