Quick reminder to those of you just joining us – Babylegs and I are trading off recapping this show. Babylegs grew up in Potomac and I moved in about 3 years ago, so combined we have a pretty solid understanding of ‘old Potomac vs. new Potomac’. This week I did the heavy lifting and Babylegs’ snark is interspersed throughout. Got it? Good.
Babylegs: One of the most frustrating things about this show is how fucking false it is that there’s any sort of unique system in place or etiquette police patrolling the streets who will “ask you to leave” if you step out of place. Unless of course that etiquette police is Karen or Charrisse, in which case hahahahahahahahaha.
And speaking of Karen and Charrisse, another thing that’s frustrating about the Housewives in general is that at this point their franchise is about 80% scripted and staged anyway (there was a great piece in I think New York a few years ago about the New York ladies filming MULTIPLE TAKES of one of their scenes). So Housewives now tend to be obnoxiously rote and repetitive, sitting the same way, talking with the same inflection, using the same vocabulary, fiercely desperate for ANYTHING to get pissed about. Which is why Charrisse and Karen make for such great stuck-up bitchy villains. Unlike Gizelle, they’re filming this show assuming they have to play a role instead of acting natural. And I’m going to assume their natural selves are just as annoying and stupid.
Previously on The Real Housewives of Potomac – we met Gizelle (lots of makeup) Robyn, Charrisse, and Karen. This week’s episode description includes this tidbit: “Things get a little dicey when the ladies meet the young, boisterous beauty queen Ashley Darby. Will Ashley be able to break into this coveted circle of sophisticated women?” … Are they punking us? These ladies can already barely stand each other and are only in the same room because cameras are there. So if the cameras are pointed at Ms. Darby uh yeah, they don’t really have a choice. Whatever. Let’s start this shit show.
We open with a shot of the same generic rich crap they showed us last week. Including the same exact shot of an iron fence with gilded caps. I get it, it’s fancy. I drive past it every day. It’s not exactly Beverly Hills, and I feel like the premise of the wealth of Potomac is being stretched thin already. What, I have to actually watch people interact and not just stare at the filler clips? Fine, whatever.
Pictured: The epitome of elegance…
1st Social Event – Continuation of last week’s party
We open at Charrisse’s house where we left off last week, with Karen walking away from Gizelle while ranting about etiquette. Can we agree to drink every time they say ‘etiquette’? Or would that lead to immediate liver damage? Karen is still sneering that Gizelle used to live in Baltimore. Whatever. Gizelle’s hair stylist comes over and does not immediately fix her busted bangs and exposed wig cap. Hrm, dude, step up your game (unless she’s paying you in crabs and booze. In which case, leave those sloppy bangs alone, you need a raise).
Katie arrives with her kids and boyfriend in tow. I do not understand this event at all. People are hiring hair and makeup artists, yet other people are showing up in casual attire from Target and Katie dragged her family. This is one fucking schizophrenic gathering. If there is a dress code Robyn gave zero fucks about it and showed up in a denim shirt with her kids in t-shirts. Her kids are adorable and I fully support her not playing into the insanity of the rest of the cast.
Black tie, white t-shirt, same difference
Gizelle pulls Charrisse aside to actually maturely discuss what her problem is. Charrisse responds in her signature way of rolling her eyes and crossing her arms like a sullen toddler.
Etiquette Referee Danator Time Out: I feel like Charrisse is allowed to be bothered by Gizelle joking around and being casual. HOWEVER, if she had a problem with it, she should have graciously addressed it, not side-eyed the camera and talked shit for however many hours she was doing hair and makeup. Also having someone come over to help you set up for a party, then ditching them so you can be pampered is really shitty, so maybe examine your own behavior. End of Time Out.
Gizelle takes the feedback in stride, shrugs it off, and says “ok, got it” like a true champ in the face of crazy. She tells her hair stylist she’s leaving, he has the look of a man who CLEARLY is there for the free booze – his face is a struggle of weighing how much he can drink before he’s dragged from the party in solidarity of Gizelle. The struggle is real.
Can I just have 5 minutes to pound champagne before we storm out of here?
Babylegs: Karen and Charrisse are on crack. Seriously. For thinking Kal “threatened” them, for thinking it’s rude to “bring your stylist” to an “event”, for thinking their hair looks good. In my world what Gizelle did was bring a friend to a crab boil. Do you know what a real crab boil looks like? Old Bay and beer and newspaper. Not bottles of champagne and fucking Diane Von Furstenberg dresses (which Karen incorrectly called “Diana” dumb fucking asshole Karen get a clue you stupid idiot) (GOD I HATE KAREN). Also, my feelings summarized in one gif, if it’s easier:
All hail Babylegs, for nailing it
Karen and Charisse have found their narratives for the evening. They bask in how horrible Gizelle was and how intimidating/scary/inappropriate her hairdresser was. Seriously? Robyn and Karen smartly manage to stay ENTIRELY away from the drama and just play with their kids and eat crab. Now that’s some reality television I can get behind, avoiding the crazies and quietly grabbing as much free food as possible. Well played.
The party is over, and now we get to watch a lot of boring footage of everyone’s individual subplots for the week.
Katie:
Katie is meeting with Rabbi Mark. She’s half Jewish. She lists all the black jews she can think of – Sammi Davis Jr. and Lenny Kravis. Blasphemy, she forgot Drake! Get it together Katie.
Never Forget…
Babylegs: I love what a fake Jew Katie is. She probably thinks she’s “JUST LIKE CHARLOTTE ON SEX AND THE CITY! LOLOLOLOLOL” I wish a rabbi had slammed a door in her face three times, though. Katie, you will never be part of the Tribe.
Katie shows off the golf course she lives on (pretty sure it’s Congressional Country Club , which is technically in Bethesda. Wait so she doesn’t even live in Potomac? Also, is that a townhouse? My god she’s practically a Dickensian pauper…). Shocker, it’s not as exclusive as she’d have you think. (Also, when the masters comes to town they always want people to park cars, shuttle people around, etc. so if you do that you get a paid gig and a thrown in free ticket to all the fancy golf stuff. I mean, if you’re a cheap classless heathen. )
Katie does not appear to be a practicing Jew since she’s meeting with a random Rabbi she does not know. Not judging, just seems a little like it’s designed to be something to drive the plot of a reality show. Rabbi Mark is perfectly friendly but a little intimidating. Katie wants Not-Fiance Andrew to be involved in the blessing to enmesh him more in her life to give him less room for escape. Or because she loves him and wants his commitment to her kids to be acknowledged and praised. Either one. (it’s the first one.)
Karen:
Karen’s husband’s Aunt Dot (or ‘Aunt’ if it’s one of those things where it’s a family friend, I have no clue) is coming to visit. She’s high maintenance. Says the woman wearing a ball gown and the queens jewels.
Pot. Meet Kettle.
What makes Aunt Dot so high maintenance you say? Why she requires Lipton’s black tea. Not imported monkey poop tea from Thailand, no, straight from the Safeway up the street black tea. Uh so does my mom. And mother in law. And every woman I know over the age of 50. It’s not a weird thing.
Does that make Kermit high maintenance?
Babylegs: Karen’s hair is just as busted and crusty as her old ass kitchen cabinets. Girl you need a makeover EVERYWHERE.
Aunt Dot was Karen’s etiquette (drink!) guru. Etiquette rule #13 – all hot tea must be hot. Aunt Dot has a shit fit over it only being warm. My grandmother used to do that same routine as well. I wasn’t convinced it had to do with the tea not being hot, I always assumed it was a way of demanding attention and forcing others to cater to you. It’s a shitty way to treat others, especially with that snooty entitlement. Say please. Old age doesn’t release you from social constructs. (she also bitches AFTER DRINKING THE TEA that no one offered her milk. Seriously? When you saw the tea why not ask for some milk?)
Aunt Dot is rocking a periwinkle manicure, has a purple plastic bow ring, and a giant yellow flower in her hair. Oh and her shawl is held on with a rainbow hair elastic. So what I’m saying is, Aunt Dot’s presentation is that of a lady who is doing whatever the hell she wants with her life. Which is all well and good but the Dowager Countess she is not.
It isn’t about the tea. It’s NEVER about the tea…
2nd Event for the week:
Gizelle and Katie are at Sip with Socialites event. This does not sound like a real thing and the website confirms my suspicions. Is it just a bunch of bitchy girls trying to sound exclusive so they can con people into coming to events? You be the judge.
They meet Ashley who is 1. Stunning and 2. Dressed in an outfit that seems appropriate for the occasion. Not a weird cocktail dress like the lady behind her, and not a transparent white bustier like Gizelle. 10 points for Ashley already. Also her hair and makeup are flawless.
Well Played Ashley
Robyn shows up late with wet hair and a fancy poncho. I’m not even kidding. Robyn is basically my husband, if he was transformed into a female socialite. She somehow did a face full of makeup, which is a bizarre contrast, but at this point she can do no wrong for me. Bring it. (ok maybe her hair is dry but pulled back it’s dark brown hair with a blonde bun and it’s janky.)
Flawless
Everyone drinks. Ashley is drunk. Katie and Ashley bond over having white as their partners. Ashley is going to try to get pregnant in October so she can have a Gemini or a Leo baby. It’s a dumb thing to say, but I also am giving her the benefit of the doubt that she’s been drinking and it seems like a cute thing to say at a cocktail party to people you don’t know. Gizelle is more literal and thinks Ashley is an idiot. Well that’s possible.
Anyway, we find out Ashley’s husband is 55 (she’s 26) and no he doesn’t need Viagra, also he has a big penis. Honestly at 26, while drunk, I said dumber things, but I’m having a hard time not wanting to smack her. My investment in Ashley is already wavering…
Ashley uses this hand gesture to describe his penis. I have concerns, is a penis supposed to look like a snail?
Gizelle introduces me to the phrase “THOT” – “That Ho Over There “ to describe Ashley. Apparently it’s a thing since Ashley hears her say it and knows exactly what it means. I feel old. Everyone cannot handle Ashley except for Katie. I’m amused since Gizelle is annoyed with how ‘’classless’ Ashley is, when essentially Ashley has taken over Gizelle’s party girl role. I’m ok with it, ‘trying to be formal’ Gizelle has so much potential for amazingness. Please, show me how to be a lady, oh wise one.
Babylegs: I hate though that Ashley hosted an event called “Sip with Socialites.” Oh my god, none of you crazy bitches are socialites!!!!!!1one1 You are all THOTs. I thought Gizelle would be cooler with Ashley but I guess she’s just too young and attention starved for her. Ashley is a pageant queen and Katie basically thinks her life is a pageant, so I can see how these two will be friends.
Charrisse:
Charisse drives her daughter to gymnastics and sticks around to watch her practice. Aw. She’s obnoxious, but I appreciate that she’s putting her time into her kids and not wandering around getting pedicures and paying a nanny and driver to parent her kids. (don’t get me wrong, she’s still a terrible person, but mom points are worth something to me)
Gizelle:
Gizelle hangs out with her daughters and asks them what they would do if someone was being rude to them. She decides to write a letter to resolve the drama. Her daughters tell her in their vast life experience it’s not going to solve the problem. They tell her to watch her mouth. Her kids are smart and funny.
She snarks a few false starts then comes up with semi-coherent only mildly passive-aggressive notes to send out.
Ashley:
Hey! Ashley lives in Arlington! Coincidentally that’s where I work. It’s creepy, are these ladies stalking me? Her husband Michael has an accent, and is adorable (for an older man, I was expecting worse).
The Real Housewives Franchise has broken me, since I now consider this to be a catch..
He’s a real estate developer. Together they’re opening an Australian restaurant. Wait a second, there’s already an Australian restaurant across the street from my office… Holy shit, it’s the place they own! This is freaking me out. ( The food is fine, if not slightly gimmicky)
She tells Michael about the other women and honestly he seems really supportive.
Babylegs: Ashley: oh Jesus it finally happened. I am officially older than one of the Real Housewives. Fuck me with something hard and sandpapery. That said, I loves me an incorrigible lil gold digger. She is crass and loud and obnoxious as fudge. Adoring it. I cannot wait to find her old sugar daddy at the gay club. Potomac, you are such a gift.
3rd Social Event: Katie’s Naming Ceremony
The ceremony starts. Rabbi Mark rolls with the punches and jokes around. Poor Not-Fiance Andrew tries to clarify he’s not a Fiance. Katie isn’t having it. She has mastered the smoke and mirrors of convincing others they’re ‘practically engaged’. It’s adorable.
The other housewives ask Katie about being Jewish. I feel like she’s overthinking it. (feel free to correct me if that’s a white privilege thing, but I can’t think of any religious/ethnic combination I would be like ‘no way!’ at. To be fair I went to a shockingly enlightened catholic high school that required all students to visit a church, synagogue Hindu temple before graduating, which was a healthy way to expose teenagers to religion AND culture. So maybe my experience was abnormal. Or Gizelle is sheltered. Or both.)
Robyn and Gizelle don’t understand the concept of being bi-racial so they ask Katie over and over which ‘side’ she’s on. Katie’s demure enough to rebuff them and gently explain she sees herself and her daughters in their own categories. The other ladies don’t get it, but they move on, and talk about how they’re 100% black, they just have green eyes and blonde hair. I have zero comment since I’ve never been perceived as anything other than the wasp-y looking chic that I am (well there was a shaved head period where people thought I was a boy, but that’s about it) so I have no idea what that’s like for them. That said I’m surprised they haven’t reflected more on it since they both seem really superficial on the whole topic. Or the bleach went to their brains.
3rd Social Event: Gizelle is hosting a make-up lunch for Charrisse & Karen.
Charrisse and Karen walk in with a chip on their shoulders. There isn’t a lot of graciousness or acknowledgement that Gizelle is attempting to resolve the issue. Whatever.
Gizelle asks why Karen didn’t bring up her etiquette concerns when they arose. Karen says she’s a grown woman not used to correcting others. Uhhh…. Suure.
Charisse then explains her issues with Gizelle. She doesn’t appreciate that Gizelle was so ‘amped up’ when she was handling the crabs – she says it ‘felt like a Tyler Perry play” (well that’s classier than a movie I suppose). She hated that Gizelle’s friend talked about her hair. Karen rightfully asks who brings a hair stylist to a crab bake. Gizelle explains he’s her close friend. Well that clarifies it. Karen really doesn’t need to police who other people’s friends are.
Charisse walks out. Honestly, Gizelle is young and casual, but Charisse is behaving like a classless baby. It’s rough to watch. I stand by my assessment that she watched Dynasty, once, 30 years ago and has based her ‘etiquette’ style off of that.
Karen has an issue with the slang Gizelle uses. Honestly I think she’s grasping at straws there. It isn’t classless or tacky. Sure Gizelle yet again can’t read the room and use language others understand, but I think a gracious person would be more polite in asking for clarification. Again, for every inch of tackiness Gizelle displays, Karen responds with a yard. It makes it hard NOT to sympathize with Gizelle, even though she’s clearly an instigator.
Karen is really committed to lecturing Gizelle. It’s overkill. Splitting hairs over how sincere an apology is just as classless. Either accept it or don’t, then leave. Honestly.
Ugh, how are we 2 episodes in and still fighting over where someone sat, and who she brought to a party? This is brutal. What do you all think? As always leave your thoughts in the comments, i’ll see you there.