Our anti-hero Lucifer is speeding on the nearly empty streets of Hollywood. If we didn’t already know this show was a fantasy we do now, because unless it’s 4 am, the traffic in that part of town is nothing less than a 24/7 “fuck my life” shit show with tourist groups wearing socks and sandals combos making it nearly impossible to make any sort of turn. Lucifer is busy looking handsome and just jamming to some Cage the Elephant when a motorcycle cop pulls him over for speeding. No need to fear a ticket though, because Lucifer is charmingly British and a bit naughty. He pulls out a roll of Benjamins and gets the cop spilling his darkest unauthorized siren secrets and he’s off. Oh, Lucifer you are such a devilish scamp.
Don’t try this at home unless you’re a white male/ and or the Prince of Darkness
Lucifer rolls up to a club called Lux that is one of those boring places that you see on TV where all the women wear bandage dresses. As a bar person, I can safely say that there is no amount of free bottle service in the world that would get me to spend my evening in a joint like that. Snooze. Lucifer surveys my own personal Saturday night hell and hits the bar, where a hot lady with great hair (Mazikeen) is getting a little under the bar service (if you know what I mean…Wink). Talking about bringing sexy (bar) back. Beelze-Bar Wench wants to know where Lucifer has been. Oh you know, just “copulating” at the Chateau. What a tourist. Also, copulating only works with an English accent and even then, I don’t care how hot you are, major eye roll. Beelze-Bar Wench is all, hey I did not leave Hell with you to join the service industry. Also, do something with your immortal life already. This discussion is interrupted by Amenadial who is kind of dressed like a Matrix cos-player, and will now be known as Not Morpheus (because I am too lazy to keep typing Amenadial). Not Morpheus is there to bring Lucifer kicking and screaming back to daddy (you know, the Almighty), but Lucifer is a petulant teenager in a thirty-something body and has no intention of doing what he’s told. Not Morpheus reminds Lucifer that there are tortured souls that need him, but Lucifer follows the teachings of Kelly Taylor and chooses himself. Time to bust out the fallen angel wings. Ooooh scary, Not Morpheus. Not. Lucifer just smirks (cause that’s how he rolls), and reminds Not Morpheus that daddy wouldn’t like him busting out his wings. Yeah, probably because it would give Hell a bad name if one of its enforcers went around threatening people with feathers.
What? The chicks at Comic-Con love this look
Our sassy Prince of Darkness is outside the club doing a supernatural coin trick. Kids love him at parties! A limo pulls up with a famous pop star Delilah, who has been hitting the eyeliner section at Sephora hard (heavy eye liner is code for drug addiction and other issues on TV). Delilah wants to know if she sold her soul to the devil, but Lucifer assures her that she did not, he just got her in with the right people. Lucifer then reminds her that her problems were her choices and not the result of that crazy night where they sacrificed a goat and listened to Christian Death. Lucifer asks one favor of Delilah: get your shit together. Aww Lucifer is a softy. We only get a moment to get some warm hellfire fuzzies before Lucifer and Delilah get gunned down in a drive-by. The car immediately gets t-boned by a bus. Good thing this is imaginary L.A. where there are no cars or people walking around. Lucifer goes to the wrecked car and gets the shooter to tell him why he killed Delilah. Money, yo. If Lucifer were still in hell he would have raked the shooter over the coals. Based on what we’ve seen so far Lucifer is kind of all talk. He’d probably have gotten the shooter to open up, and then helped him to realize his dreams.
Just another Friday night at the club
Crime scene. A lady detective who resembles Kira the Gelfling after a week long bender arrives on scene. Her name is Chloe Dancer, which feels way too twee for this show, but I’m going to call her Det. Gelfling. Hey it’s Kevin Alejandro (of pretty much any show you can name) briefs her. He’s named Dan, which is something I can roll with, so no nickname…yet. Dan says the shooter is a low level drug dealer, and since this is a high profile case, maybe Det. Gelfling should take a step back because of whatever happened at Palmetto Street. Did it involve the theft of a dark crystal? Det. Gelfling has got something to PROVE so that’s why she’s on the case.
Solving crimes and busting Skeksis
Lucifer is plinking away on the piano (the ladies love it when he does Chopsticks). Det. Gelfling has no time for Lucifer Morningstar’s (WORST hipster name ever) British charm. She also apparently doesn’t have time for removing her eye makeup, because YEESH. Lucifer does his charming rogue acts where he just throws out info that he’s not human and immortal. NBD. He is also pretty sure that he’s met Det. Gelfling before, perhaps between the sheets. Yeah, I think he’d remember sleeping with a block of wood. Det. Gelfling is annoyed. She doesn’t do well around people with personalities.
Fancy wedding. Lucifer is there to object to the nuptials. Confession: I have always wanted to attend a wedding where someone stood up and objected. Not the wedding of a friend that I cared about, just a situation where I was a plus one and had no skin in the game. I’m an asshole and would love to be entertained because weddings tend to be a bit boring. That is all. Back to the show. The groom is a record producer Jimmy Barnes that Delilah stood up at the alter. Like all short men with money, he has rebounded with an impossibly gorgeous Amazon. Hilariously the priest starts crossing himself when Lucifer gets close. Question: do people just know he’s the devil, or just devilish? Lucifer thinks that is a giant faux pas to get married after the brutal murder of an ex-fiancée. However, is he aware how much it costs to cancel day-of? You’ll never get that deposit back. The record producer admits that he was pissed at Delilah for rejecting him, but Lucifer might want to check out the rapper (2Vile) she was seeing. Lucifer then gets the bride to admit that she is grossed out by the idea of riding her husband-to-be’s wang, and she totes doesn’t love him. Giggles from the wedding guests. Oh Lucifer, you scamp.
I think those two crazy kids are going to make it…till the end of the week
Lucifer arrives at 2Vile’s swanky pad that comes complete with a white butler. Lucifer easily bypasses Jeeves by pretending to be the friendly neighborhood drug dealer. Narcotics are a better host gift than a cactus. Upon his arrival in what looks like a rap music video set, Lucifer immediately turns into that old guy who wants the kids to turn down their music. Lucifer hates rap, you see. He prefers mid-90s Brit Pop. 2Vile reacts the way anyone would to someone walking into their home and telling them their music is crap, especially a white guy. Lucifer isn’t racist, he’s just a music snob. Lucifer throws 2Vile through the window and then dangles him over the balcony. 2Vile says that he loved Delilah but she cheated on him. He mentions that Delilah went to a therapist in Beverly Hills called Dr. Linda. Lucifer is about ready to leave when Det. Gelfling arrives. Lucifer is impressed with her Henson powers of police detection. The shooter had called 2Vile on his phone right before the shooting. 2Vile admits that the guy was his drug dealer. Also, we learn that Det. Gelfling’s deep dark past as a teen star famous for her topless scene in a movie. Det. Gelfling tries to arrest Lucifer but no mere mortal handcuffs can hold his big personality. Lucifer is a bit annoyed that Det. Gelfling is immune to his charms. Lucifer convinces Det. Gelfling to let him ride along, and she agrees because she’s bad at her job and also this show needs a premise.
Note to self: make extra money stripping instead of driving for Lyft
Lucifer gives one of his “buck up little camper” speeches to Det. Gelfling, because she feels like she has more to prove because of that whole flashing boobs onscreen thing. Yes, I can see how that might make things difficult in the locker room. Whatever. Of course, they have to make a pit stop because not only is Det. Gelfling a woman trying to prove herself, but she’s also a single mom. Cliché’s…gotta love them. Lucifer hates children (me too! Bffs). But when he sees a Barbie Doll in heels teetering up the steps of the school he decides to go inside. He loses the lady but finds a precocious tyke who disapproves of his smoking. Precocious tyke is named Beatrice but everyone calls her Trixie. Lucifer points out how horrible this is, and that Trixie is the name of a hooker. Yes, and Beatrice is the name of an old woman that bakes pies and knits doilies. Kid is fucked either way. Trixie says that a mean girl was bullying her, so Lucifer goes and scares the bully with his red contact lenses. Det. Gelfling is unimpressed. Turns out fellow Detective Dan is Trixie’s dad, and this kids is why you don’t date at work.
Dude, you are way too old to be shopping at Hot Topic
Dr. Linda’s waiting room. Lucifer gives Det. Gelfling a backhanded compliment about her spawn. She’s all, “eat a dick, dick.” I’m all, “word, brother.” Lucifer finds it strange that Dan was so adamant that Det. Gelfling close the case. Things that make you go, hmmmm. Dr. Linda will see them now, and she would like to see ALL of Lucifer because girlfriend is about ready to throw her panties. Det. Gelfling doesn’t compute because the only emotion she experiences is joylessness. Lucifer works his black magic and gets Dr. Linda to get all gossipy, and even agrees to go to poundtown (which I’ve heard is quite beautiful this time of year) with Dr. Linda. Doctor patient confidentiality be damned, because Dr. Linda gots to get laid. Delilah was sleeping with Grey Cooper a married actor, who according to Lucifer, is a total bore. Det. Gelfling is ready to investigate this lead, but Lucifer did promise to take Dr. Linda to hell and back. Gelfling is all WTF? Dr. Linda does sweaty yoga, so she’s super flexible (and her gym clothes probably smell like mildew. Yes, I did hot yoga once, and never went back because the smell made me want to pass out). Lucifer has to raincheck, but he’ll be back for a sex session.
That threesome is never gonna happen if you’re too eager, Dr. Linda
Lucifer just walks onto a film set and interrupts an action scene. He is surprised that Grey Cooper isn’t behind the wheel of a stunt car. For an immortal being living in L.A., Lucifer sure doesn’t get the basics of the industry. Grey is a bland blonde actor type with aspirations that are a bit above his IQ range. Grey’s wife arrives in her best gym chic (i.e. clothing that you don’t actually work out in). Lucifer works his mojo and Grey admits to sleeping with Delilah, the wife confesses that she knew about the affair and was sleeping with her husband’s bodyguard. Slap fight!
Det. Gelfling is back at Lucifer’s soulless club for a drink. We get to hear how Gelfling was the daughter of a cop and an actress, how she tried both careers out, and now everyone in her precinct hates her because a cop was shot at Palmetto Street and she didn’t see it the way everyone else did (i.e. covering a dirty cop’s tracks). Keep the cliché’s coming, Det. Gelfling because we can’t get enough. Oh hey, Beelze-Bar Wench, I forgot all about you. Beelze-Bar Wench is there to direct attention to the TV which is reporting Delilah’s rocketing album sales. Det. Gelfling has a lightbulb moment. It was record producer Jimmy Barnes that ordered Delilah’s hit. When confronted Jimmy takes one of his artist’s hostage. His reason for killing Delilah: bitch, humiliated me. Boo hoo. Go cry about it in your Men’s Rights Group. Also, you’re already humiliating yourself by wearing that oversized jersey. Lucifer is ready to work his Satanic voodoo, but oddly Det. Gelfling doesn’t believe him when he says that he’s immortal. Gelfling shoots Jimmy in the side, and Lucifer throws a tantrum that he doesn’t get to make him suffer. All this whining allows Jimmy to shoot Gelfling. Lucifer promises that he won’t let Gelfling die, and then turns to take care of Jimmy. Jimmy keeps shooting and Gelfling watches as the bullets just bounce off of Lucifer. Lucifer smashes Jimmy’s face into a glass window, and we see the Lucifer’s decidedly less handsome and much more reddish face in the reflection.
Det. Gelfling wakes up in the hospital, and Lucifer is waiting by her bedside. She’s a slow learner, so she’s still struggling with that whole “my new partner is immortal” thing. Lucifer says that he’s saved her because she’s interesting. Lucifer needs to get out more if Det. Gelfling is his idea of interesting. Lucifer thinks they should join forces, but the moment is ruined by Trixie. Kids ruin everything.
Don’t make me stomp you with my cloven hoof
Lucifer goes back to the club, but his frenemy Not Morpheus is waiting for him. Not Morpheus thinks that Lucifer needs to be more hellfire and less novelty devil horns. Lucifer is all, bring it, bitch. It’s all very High School: Demon Edition. The nagging ain’t over for ol’ Luci though, because Beelze-Bar Wench doesn’t approve of this whole saving humans thing. You’re the Devil, so act like it. If you thought this show was going to end with some fire and brimstone, you would be wrong, because Lucifer is going to plow Dr. Linda in exchange for some therapy to sort out his daddy issues. That’s some weak sauce, King of Hell.
Handle your shit
So how did everyone feel about the pilot? The show is based off of one of DC/ Vertigo’s comics and was inspired by the Lucifer of Neil Gaiman’s Sandman. Wikipedia has always got my back. In the original comic Lucifer owned a piano bar, and his shit got super cosmic. I can see why Fox wanted to make it easier to digest, and the tough female partner/ supernatural man combo works in Sleepy Hollow so why not here? Well, firstly Nicole Behari and Tom Mison have loads of chemistry, while Tom Ellis is basically carrying dead Gelfling weight around. Also, Sleepy Hollow has a supernatural threat that drives it’s characters, whereas, Lucifer is just bored and decided to solve human crimes. Not Morpheus said that Lucifer’s abandonment of Hell will cause demon unrest, and frankly this show needs supernatural entities ASAP. I like Tom Ellis and think the show has some potential but it needs to go darker and be more of a fantasy show if it’s going to stand out.
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