Hello trash talkers! Welcome back to another week of watching unhealthy trash television of the dance moms persuasion. Last week, Abby fucked Kendall’s brain so hard and then she had to miss everyone’s performances because she was crying on the phone with her lawyer. This week, Abby is still crying on the phone but we have no idea who she is talking to. All I know is she is wearing slippers, curlers in her hair, doesn’t have a bra on, and she is begging someone on the other line for help. What is going on, you guys?!
Jill doesn’t seem to care because her and all of the other moms woke their kids up at 7am and they’re ready so why isn’t Abby? She woke her fucking kid up at 7am for this?! 7am is unheard of by almost everyone and I can understand her anger toward Abby, I mean, 7am is in the MORNING.
Maddie waltzes in and everyone is thrilled and they cheer and don’t waste time to start asking about her exciting new movie star life and Jill is like “Maddie is here, she made it, but Abby can’t make it? Abby didn’t even get ready on time!” Melissa goes into Abby’s back office where she is sobbing and asks what everyone should do while they wait for her and Abby screams at her to get the fuck away from her. Jessalynn reveals that Abby has a bed in the back room and probably lives there and Abby just somehow managed to be even more tragic, which I didn’t think was possible.
The minis and their mini moms walk in and Jill think it would be really funny to send them into the lion’s den so she suggests they go see what the deal is. The mini moms walk in and see that Abby is a mess so they leave her be so she can collect herself and be ready for the day. Jill and Melissa are a lot less sympathetic so they go right back in to the office with the camera crew and confront Abby again and she freaks out at them, but I totally would have, too. Melissa tells us that she has exciting news about Melissa getting a modeling gig and wants Abby to be there when they make the announcement, and that’s a really good reason to completely violate someone’s personal space when they’re having a breakdown. It looks like Abby’s sadistic tendencies have rubbed off on the moms.
Meanwhile, Jill and Ashlee start fighting about who is Maddie’s replacement, Kendall or Brynn, and Ashlee points out that Jill is just mad because she thought this season would be Kendall’s year and it isn’t shaping out to be that way. Jill loses her mind because she’s fucking insane.
You mad, bro?
Jill and Melissa storm outside bitching about how horrible Ashlee is and they run into two men waiting in the parking lot. Melissa knows one of them at Sergio and starts awkwardly flirting with him and the other guy James to distract them from realizing how insane everyone is. Apparently, these men work for Seventeen Magazine and will be doing an eight-page spread for Maddie and need to find two more girls to model with her. Abby finally crawls out of her cave when she sees the Music and Entertainment Editor waiting in her studio and is more than happy to provide her two cents on who should be included in the spread. Shockingly, the first girl she suggests is Kendall – could she actually be rightfully proud of her for winning last week while Abby was crying to her lawyer on the phone? The men express interest in Nia and Abby ignores this but suggests that Kalani might be a good choice. I feel like they’re at a pet shop and Abby is the owner trying to convince them not to get the cutest puppy because Abby hates anything that is sweet and happy.
The men finally announce their selections and the first one to join Maddie in the spread is Nia! Yay way to go Nia! Holly is thrilled and thrilled and Abby is secretly fuming. Who is going to be the second model? The guys take it upon themselves to tell Brynn, Mackenzie, and Jojo that they’re all great but not great enough to be selected. So this leaves Kendall and Kalani and I can’t handle the anticipation I’m feeling and god damnet they just went to commercial! Why do they do this to me?! Oh thank goodness, they’re back and they picked Kendall. Jill is over the moon and immediately visions of doors opening both literally and figuratively for her and Kendall dance around her head.
The group dance this week will be called “The Elite” probably because elitist Maddie is back during a break from her demanding Hollywood movie career. The minis will be doing a group dance called “The Spotlight is on Me” and Abby explains it’s because the spotlight in on them and she wants to see who shines and who crumbles under pressure. This is some riveting stuff, you guys. Hopefully we will be treated to some courtroom-inspired dances in the near future or maybe even one about prison cleverly called “Orange is the New Black” because Abby only comes up with the most original and thought-provoking titles.
Maddie got a solo because of course she did. It’s called “Bond Girl” and it will be a sassy jazz number because Abby is on a jazz kick these last few weeks.
Brynn got the second solo, also jazz, and it’s called “She’s Magic”. Ashlee immediately starts talking about how excited she is for Brynn to out-dance Maddie and prove once and for all that she is the better dancer and Ashlee is the best dance mom. Ashlee is such a well-adjusted and mature person and I’m really glad she’s a parent who wakes up in the morning ready to use her children to win bragging rights at the dance studio.
Abby is in a great mood today for some reason and is helping Brynn with her solo and when I say “helping” I mean she is actually kind of doing the dance with her while instructing and not sitting in a chair and barking at the students per usual. Ashlee starts talking at the new mini moms about how thrilled she is for Brynn to beat Maddie and Jessalynn seems to be the only person talking to her anymore. Jessalynn suggests that maybe her unsupportive comments are contributing to why she isn’t very popular with the other moms. She shares her own personal experience with Ashlee about not having anyone to talk to but winning everyone over once she demonstrated that she was a team player. Ashlee doesn’t seem to give this legit advice any consideration and continues to act like a delusional middle school girl.
Meanwhile, some of the other moms and dancers are at the Seventeen photo shoot and Jill is fucking thrilled. Everything is about to happen for her and Kendall and it’s about time because Jill has worked SO HARD watching her daughter dance these last few years and she never wants to stop riding Kendall’s coattails. Maddie is off to the side talking shit about her mom and is like “we’re nothing alike, like I’m really cool and my mom is crazy. I’m really smart and she’s so stupid. I have friends and she has Mackenzie.” And then Maddie starts laying in on the other moms, especially Jill. Then they cut to Jill hovering over Kendall while her hair and makeup is being done and Jill is cracking horrible jokes and looks so out of place and she’s just a fucking mess, you guys. Kendall is super embarrassed and eventually tells Jill to fuck off.
Back at the studio, Jessalynn and Ashlee are hanging out with the mini moms watching the minis rehearse because they have absolutely nothing else going on in their lives. Ashlee practices her piss-poor social skills on the new moms by advising them to TRUST NO ONE because she personally doesn’t have friends. Jessalynn advises her to not talk shit and Ashlee disagrees so Jessalynn steps aside to talk shit. She calls the other moms and tattles on Ashlee by telling them what she’s been saying behind their backs. “Ashlee said that Jill is going through menopause”, Jessalynn reveals. Jill crushes the bottle of Budweiser she’s drinking at two in the afternoon in her bloody dance moms hand while foam seeps out of her mouth.
Awww the minis are so cute, you guys! They’re rehearsing their group number and it looks like they’re doing pretty well. One of the youngest girls, Peyton, is only six years old and isn’t picking up the choreography as quickly as the others. Ashlee and Jessalynn are glad to point this out to Peyton’s mom and warn her that Abby doesn’t put up with that kind of bull shit. Peyton’s mom is like “uh she’s six, RELAX” but Ashlee and Jessalynn don’t appreciate that and basically start screaming about how much Peyton sucks. This prompts the mini mom to rightfully freak out at them and storm off. What’s going on with you today, Jessalynn? I think you’ve been spending too much time with Ashlee and her cloud of darkness that always floats above her head.
The girls are back at the studio and finally rehearsing their group number only one day before the competition and Abby is nowhere to be found. Where is Abby? Jill is happy to report the news that Abby resigned in an email that she apparently only sent Jill. None of the moms seem concerned and explain to the mini moms that this kind of things are perfectly normal at the shit show that is ALDC. They talk about Abby like she’s a child who always runs away but it’s just to down the street and then she always come back when it’s time for dinner.
Maddie is practicing her jazz solo and the music sounds like Austin Powers or the opening song for Three’s Company. Meanwhile, Melissa is hoping and praying that Maddie beats Brynn not because she believes in healthy competition but because she is just as much of a loser as Ashlee.
It’s the day of the competition and Abby is still missing and Jill is upset because her only two modes are excitedly dancing in her auditorium seat and being upset with Abby about anything ever. The mini moms are so confused why Abby isn’t there and Holly is like “this shit happens every day, right now Abby is in the stage of remembering it is taco night and contemplating going back home, don’t worry.” Ashlee is like “but Abby loves Brynn, why is she doing this?” At this point, Jessalynn wants Brynn to literally break her leg just so Ashlee will shut the fuck up.
Maddie is doing her “Bond Girl” solo and it’s her first solo of the year since working on the unnamed Hollywood film everyone keeps talking about. She’s dressed all in gold and makes the dance look so natural and effortless. She is such a talented dancer and it’s nice to have her back. Shut the fuck up Ashlee, Brynn is good, too.
Brynn is next doing her “She’s Magic” solo and she certainly is magic in her little magician outfit. She does a wonderful job and has great technique. How’s that, Ashlee?
Back in the green room, a mini mom compliments the two solos and rather than graciously accepting the kind comment like a normal grown person, Ashlee instead points out that Maddie just “turned and turned” and Brynn’s dance required actual technique. Ashlee seems to really know how to push Jessalynn’s buttons because she explodes on Ashlee for the third time this episode and tells her that Brynn is basically a shitty dancer. Ashlee responds by saying Jojo is the worst on the team, which we ALL know isn’t true. GO TEAM JOJO!! This prompts everyone else to lose their shit and oh my god it’s a mad house! It’s a mad house filled with dance moms who are mad at each other and their way of hurting each other is by saying mean things about the other person’s daughter’s dancing ability. Oh my goodness, you guys. What the FUCK is going to happen now?
Thankfully, Brynn is way more mature than her stupid mom and tells her to just shut up whenever the other moms say anything because she likes the other girls and doesn’t want her mom to fuck this up for her. Hopefully this works because everyone officially hates Ashlee now, even her own daughter.
With Abby still gone, the girls continue this weird behavior where they help each other and act supportive towards one another. They’re helping the minis get ready and dressed and it’s a very cute scene. Even though the minis are being dressed up as little baby prostitutes, they still look very cute and I can’t wait to see them perform.
Their group dance, “Spotlight is on Me”, is performed to some creepy music and they are putting on a great show for a bunch of little girls! Mackenzie agrees with me as she cheers them on from the wings. The producers also agree they did well because they play victorious trumpet music when they finish their dance.
Oh shit. That third small girl’s arm isn’t straight. That’s gonna cost them.
The girls are about to do their first group number with Maddie for the season and broken record Jill beats the living shit out of the dead horse that is her hoping Maddie wins so that Ashlee will finally shut up about Brynn being better. She says that when Maddie is there, Brynn is only a third wheel? In this scenario, does Jill imagine that Kendall is the second wheel and is going steady with Maddie and Brynn is just their annoying friend who always tags along?
The girls perform their group dance “The Elites” and they are dressed like glamorous cavemen whores, but in a good way. For only have a single day to practice, the girls look fierce and amazing together. Ah, it’s nice to have the group back together.
What the fuck are you wearing, Mackenzie?! You’re an elite, not an idiot.
Alright you guys, it’s time for the awards to be presented. Hey Ashlee, who is the best dancer? Brynn? The judges don’t agree because they think she earned 4th place! Maybe you can once and for all shut your stupid mouth about which kid is better at dancing. Oh and I guess Maddie isn’t the best either because she earned 2nd place, which we all know is the first loser according to Abby. How could Maddie have possibly lost? She dances in all of the Sia music videos for fuck sake! Oh a random boy won, okay that answers my question.
The mini dance earned 2nd place and the mini moms are terrified of the Abby’s inevitable wrath, but that is only if she ever decides to return.
Thankfully, the girl’s group dance earned them 1st place!! Way to go, girls! Fuck you, Abby! We don’t need you here anyways, just please give us a copy of the keys to the studio and we promise we will lock up at the end of the day!
The minis are genuinely disappointed that they didn’t get 1st and are worried that Abby will be upset with them. This is truly heartbreaking and I just want to crawl into my TV and give them all hugs and let them know everything will be okay.
The assistant choreographer lets everyone know that she isn’t sure if Abby will be back next week, but she does know that everyone, including the minis, will be doing a group dance together. Melissa takes this opportunity to smugly ask her to clarify in front of everyone else if it is true when Ashlee said that Brynn’s choreography was more challenging than Maddie’s. The assistant confirms this and Melissa’s face sinks as her question backfires on her and Ashlee couldn’t be happier. Then Melissa freaks out because she is more emotionally unstable than my four-year-old nephew and she storms off.
Next week, the group dance is looking sloppy with the minis in the mix and a random dude choreographer and it looks like Abby is still missing! Oh no! What will happen to Jill?!