Welcome back, Newlyweds-ers! Last week this show got crazy. The Robs are assholes. Adonis and Erica are a mess. Craig and Brandon remain adorable and are the only couple that I believe are actually a couple.
This week I predict a further decline for the dummies.
We open on Rob and Ro… wait for it… arguing! This is literally all that they do. Ro blames this on the stressors of life. I blame it on being married to a jerk.
I’ll go back to being in love with her when she shuts up. K?
They hope their bickering will dissipate with a vacation to Florida. Which part of your relationship would lead you to think that? You always scream and insult each other.
Adonis and Erica are doing something super important. They are getting Adonis’s Lambos back.
The cars had to go to jail too.
How do they plan on paying for them? (Since they were seized to cover the cost of his copyright infringement violation, I assume that he still owes 99% of the mortgage on both)
Sidebar- Who the hell goes to jail on a copyright violation? He must have just been the biggest douchebag ever and refused to cooperate or stop using the copyrighted material. I’m almost curious enough to look it up. Almost.
“Tasty Tara”
Oh GOD. This week is about Rob and Tara’s sex life. HURKKKK. Take a drink whenever they make you want to puke.
So apparently they love each other and act fun only when they are going at it. Because that’s the best part about a young wife.
Precious.
Over in Braigville, the boys discuss whether or not Craig’s swimmers are fat, lazy little guys who can’t get the job done.
Ummm, when I work out, don’t they work out too???
Craig’s sister needs to know whether she has the fertility problems or if it is Craig’s little guys that pose the problems. After many Dixie cup doses of Craig’s stuff, she is still not pregnant. This could pose a kink in the grand plans they have for genetically related children and nephew/nieces. Bree still wants to have her child via Craig’s sperm and Craig and Brandon want to have their children via Bree’s egg, Craig’s sperm, and their BFF/baby incubator.
So many thoughts. Need push-up to work out thoughts.
Seriously, though, I find their plan to be adorable and such a cute way to make a family that is related in its own special way.
In a nut shell (HAHAHAHAHA) Craig needs to have a lot of excellent sperms for the whole family. That is a lot of pressure on such a small section of real estate. Brandon wants this taken care of ASAP, not because he is necessarily ready for a baby this second, but because he is the adult and they need to know what is going to happen going forward so that they can update and turn in their wills. Like grown ups.
Adonis and Erica ride around in a car:
Rule: Your vehicles should not cost 10 times more than your house.
The Lambos are turning Adonis into a confident idiot. He is going to do some stand up and practices in his car.
No.
Adonis’s old act was apparently vulgar and full of misogyny (SHOCKER, I know), but since his wife is paying attention to what he does all of a sudden, he has decided to write a clean act. I do not want to watch it.
I write.
Erica is worried that the cars will remind Adonis of being a man whore. In a perfect symbolic act against its owner, it breaks down.
Passive resistance.
Adonis wanted to arrive at his comedy show in his Lambo and now he can’t. What a baby. Also don’t you have two?? Or did the government only give you one back?
Brandon brings Craig home an at-home sperm tester. I love science.
No wonder the house is always busy, I have one job and it’s a busy one.
Brandon sends Craig off to fill up a cup.
Ro and Rob return to Florida for vacation to get a change of scenery for their verbal abuse. Ro is planning a surprise birthday for Rob. Ro is veryyyyy subtle and loudly announces that they will probably not have time to see any friends. Nudge. NUDGE. They are so fake.
Because it is Rob’s birthday weekend and because he is clearly better than her, he announces that they will only be seeing HIS PARENTS. Classy.
Rob’s mom suggests that they do some therapy shopping.
Damnit. Money money money.
Over with the baby makers, Craig’s sperm test goes poorly. He has less stuff than he needs, according to the home test. Poor guy, of all people, they deserve to not have trouble in creating their family.
Tara and Rob have dinner with Tara’s best friend. Tara quickly informs us that she and Tai have also hooked up, in addition to being friends. Oh no. This isn’t going in a great place.
They are eating Persian food, which Rob claims to love most of.
It tastes better when there are no in-laws in sight.
Help. I saw a hot tub scene in the previews.
Tara likes girls which means she’s a super rebel and obviously super sexy and outlandish. NOT (A good NOT joke will solve a lot of things). She is like a teenager looking for attention and still trying to piss off her parents. I wish her parents would write a blog while watching this.
Ro is busy setting up TopGolf driving range (UGH) for Rob’s surprise birthday party.
This is a person who is a fashion blogger, dressed for her husband’s big surprise birthday party.
I definitely don’t know anything about this at all.
The geniuses set up balloons. That sort of defeats the purpose of hiding behind furniture… Rob is just happy that Ro didn’t go shopping.
Ro driving on Rob’s green so that he can reciprocate later. HURK
Rob and Ro are drunk and pretending that they are sexually attracted to each other. Lovely.
Sidebar #2: What kind of indoor driving range allows people to get trashed and hit balls? This seems like a liability. As in: Glug, glug, glug, wack, ouch = open head injury
Craig calls his best friend Cristal and once he secures a call pick-up, he announces that he will now pour himself a glass of wine. I love him.
Wine time for the bad news.
Cristal is going to be Craig and Brandon’s surrogate. Craig shares with her the bad spunk news and the likely implications.
Supportive friends are everything. AW.
TEARS.
She also agrees to be the egg donor if Bree’s eggs won’t work. So sweet and selfless! (Though she did recently get a fancy new computer, so excellent friendship).
Ro and Rob drive through Florida and Ro longs for the college days. Doesn’t everyone? But she longs for them so much that she would like to bring them back.
Ro wants to move to Florida.
Call it, Trashie doctors. This is when the marriage is over. She will be back in Florida by year’s end and he will be spiking up his hair for a DJ sesh.
Rob acknowledges Ro as long as she shuts up. He is a big roller. He needs to be in NYC, bro.
I’m a rich person. Look at the shirt, sir.
Ro also wants kids. In Florida.
Let’s just pull into this divorce attorney place. This looks good.
That dude over there looks nicer and open to listening to me and my needs.
Back at Tara and Rob’s, the three person dining group is back at the house.
The douchebag full set.
Tara and Tai want to hot tub together!
Yay?
This is so not normal. Mr. LikeaLady and LikeaLady’s best friend do not all go hot tubbing together. I feel like they are trying make it look like a platonic group hang is super sexy and dirty. At least I hope they are only trying to make it appear that way. Rob might hope so too…
Young wives are so much work.
Adonis and Erica’s story returns. The best part is their background music is the instrument of that ass, ass, ass, ass, ass song. Amazing. Editors, take a bow and a shot, you deserve it.
We like each other!
Erica likes that Adonis listens to her now that he no longer speaks to his father. That’s healthy.
Sidebar #3: I FIGURED OUT WHO ERICA SOUNDS LIKE! A young Floridian Sarah Palin. She thinks his gestures are a big “dill.”
Adonis is taking a huge risk by doing a clean routine because apparently audiences completely hate that. I’d be concerned, Erica. A clean routine probably means he will razz on his marriage.
Ding, ding, ding: The first three jokes are complaining about his marriage and openly talking about how they go to marriage counseling for his issues.
I hate you.
He tries to save it by blaming it on his father…. Who immediately walks in. BOOM Erica is going to birth a cow and I love it. Adonis is such an idiot. He starts behaving and then makes jokes about his misbehavior and then totally invites his father, pervert Miagi, to see his act. Delicious.
I find Adonis’s stand-up to be less funny and more TV show confessional.
Next up on comedy hour is: Adonis’s dad. This man is TV gold. He is stepping all over Adonis’s good behavior game. His act is raunchy and about how being poly means he can eat lots of flavors of food. Excellent.
In the hot tub at Rob and Tara’s: HURK.
Help me, Trashy TV gods, make this go by faster.
They all talk about boobs and ass a lot.
How to catch a predator.
Tara asks for “family bed.” Double HURK for gross and also father-daughter infantilization.
She says it’s totally innocent stuff and they just all sleep together in one bed and nothing happens. WINK. UGH with this girl. At this point I don’t believe she has seen a woman naked ever.
In Saneville, Craig and Brandon get ready for bed. Brandon is frustrated that Craig went to Cristal first to discuss his feelings about the swimmers issues. He is also not pleased that Craig has already asked Cristal about the egg donation. Yeah… Not ideal. BFFS are awesome, but husband should be the first person you talk to about big things. Or at least you should say honey no of course I came to you first with this, think, Craig! Poor Brandon, no one should feel second fiddle to the best friend.
Thinking or dropping sweet brain beats?
Ro is “thinking seriously about moving back to Florida.” That sounds an awful lot like someone who is ready to bail. Rob wants to force her into NYC until she likes it. Cool move, bro. Never let a woman tell you know. High five. He pulls the classic non-commital response while hoping that she forgets that Florida is a state.
Adonis wants to get some and Erica is pissed. Clueless, clueless man. He also makes the mistake of saying he will be good from now on because he doesn’t want to go through the annoyingness of being yelled at and monitored and bugged from his wife.
Um yeah, I want you to not cheat on me so that I won’t be cheated on.
What. An. Idiot.
Speak of the devil:
The depths of the earth this show went to find these dudes.
Rob thinks Ro is a baby because she wants to move. He thinks she is giving up. Which is fair. If you live in a place that you don’t like, you may want to consider leaving it.
That includes the place with him in it.
Rob is done arguing. He is staying and her lady voice and opinions cannot make him talk about it ever. They are staying and she can’t make him leave.
“You know where the courthouse is.”
Ro, sweetie, hang on, I’ll fly to NY and drive you to the courthouse myself. We need to lose this douche and fast.
That’s all for this week, guys. I want these dummies to real go for it next week and just implode. And never discuss sex again. See you all then!
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