Animal Planet – This Is The Only Thing That Matters.
Your 2016 Puppy Bowl Lineup is here. If you’ll need me I’ll just be over here on the floor, turning into a puddle of tears and estrogen.
Us – No One’s Said Anything About Michael Phelps Lately
… so he decided to strip down to nothing but a Speedo and his medals at an ASU basketball game and be an exhibitionist, insane asshole. Way to make it all about the kids, Mike! What sportsmanship.
CNN – Tina Fey’s Uncanny Impression of My Mom Sux Guys
Bristol Palin, abstinence spokesperson, 25-year-old, unwed mother of two, and thus perfect example of the success rate of abstinence, thinks the whole Tina Fey-Sarah Palin thing is like SO DONE. Get over it, people! Gawd. Not like “God” (sorry Jesus) but gawd! Tina doesn’t even SOUND like Bristol’s mom. Her beat-for-beat impression of Sarah isn’t even THAT GOOD. She can’t even dress right when she’s ranting on the exact same harried, nonsensical tangent that her mom did. Whatever, what has Tina Fey even done? Loser.
The Muse – ZAYN’S NEW ZINGLE IZ HERE
Zayn Malik is that boy that your 12-year-old niece was lighting prayer candles in front of a few months ago after he left a band called One Direction (they’re like the Beatles, but with worse hair and gayer suits). Well, now that boy is bravely venturing into the musical unknown, making sexy videos with his sexy girlfriend Gigi and trying to make groundbreaking statements about sexy sexuality and sex. Good for you, Zayn. This video will make for some great stock footage to project on the walls of shitty 18+ clubs. Or – OR – I’m sure the porn industry would love to use it as a screen saver.
TMZ – Oh My God.
I literally don’t even give two shits about this stupid non-fight the internet is obsessed with, but… holy tits, is this the greatest headline I’ve ever fucking read or what:
Perfect. Have a great weekend, everyone!
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!