Alright my dears, another dramatic episode of “Total Divas” has come and gone, so let’s get in the ring and knock some dust off of it.
Brie and Nikki head to lunch in Chicago and they catch up about Nikki’s dinner date with John in Japan. Brie is surprised to hear that John barely flexed his pecs when he found out that Nick/Dolph tried to kiss Nikki. She says if it she was in the same position, Daniel/Bryan would’ve kicked him in the dick. Nikki is still holding out hope though that John is going to change his mind and will want marriage and kids one day. She just wishes John had acted a bit more jealous when she told him about Nick, like bang his fists on that gorilla bod of his.

He’d miss allll this
Over at the RAW taping, we get a quick clip of Nick saying that he purposely keeps a picture of Nikki on his fridge so that he knows not to go in it. I’m pretty sure he tried to go in it, but it backhanded him as well with some chicken cutlets.
We hear again about the “Divas Revolution” happening in WWE right now and resident veteran Nattie has been singled out as the only active Diva on the main roster not participating.

Sucks to suck Nattie! . . .oh and sorry about TJ
It’s clearly because her husband, TJ, had his neck broken and is in recovery, but for storyline purposes, it is being painted that she is a useless, washed up, geriatric waste of human. Heartwarming.
Speaking of Nattie, we head to Tampa where her and TJ are off to his surgery and Nattie talks about not wanting TJ to know how truly scared she is for him.
Up over in WI, Paige stops by the hotel room of another diva, Alicia. Paige and Alicia are besties and right now, Alicia is very ill so her and Paige are both wearing face masks, which makes it look like the second coming of SARS is occurring in this hotel room. Alicia and Paige are nervous that Alicia won’t be able to perform in Summer Slam, which is the second biggest show in WWE of the year. Turn up that humidifier ladies, it’s time to wilt.

That’s what my girl talk sessions always look like…
Back in Tampa, John and Nikki go out to celebrate their three year anniversary. Nikki says John thinks she is a leech and then John accuses Nikki of farting, so I’m hoping they didn’t get each other cards because to me, that’s as romantic as it gets.

“The first time I smelt what you dealt, I knew.”
But John manages to make farting sweet because he says that is a sign that Nikki really can be her gassy self around him. Try to hold those tears back guys. Nikki brings up her therapist and how he thinks she isn’t talking about wanting marriage as much anymore and maybe her mind has changed. John brings up then how he is all about how much they laugh and loves her family, so bombshell. . . he does want to marry her now! Nikki then lets out all her farts, shits the booth and thinks John is about to propose.
Joke is on her though and even though John said he has now come around to the idea of getting married, he still doesn’t want children. Nikki stops farting and gets all sad. John says he realizes he is setting some fucked up expectations, but look, now you get to choose between a shiny ring and an empty womb!
TJ is out of surgery and it has gone successfully. His tag team partner, the ripped hunkalicious Cesaro comes by to comfort him and Nattie at the hospital. TJ talks about how he told the nurses Cesaro is super bangable and that they are BFFs. Nattie takes a picture of the two of them and tells Cesaro to tweet it, but Cesaro says he doesn’t need to use Twitter to show he is a good friend. Mama like.

“I thought Cesaro was going to spoon me.”
Nattie talks to Cesaro about how she is torn about staying to nurse TJ back to health and missing out on being on the road wrestling. She is afraid that if she doesn’t get back out in the ring soon, she will be forgotten and be forced to knit cat sweaters for the rest of her time.
Back in Phoenix, Nikki, Brie and their Mom go out for cocktails and Nikki talks about how John informed Nikki of his new views on marriage. Brie is upset that John is more or less given Nikki a no win situation here because he still refuses to have kids, but Mom is all amped that Nikki could get in on that John Cena money so she wants Brie to pipe down. Let Nikki make that choice.
Summer Slam week has started up in NYC and we finally catch up with Eva, who is in town to work the NXT Takeover event the night before Summer Slam. Eva tells us about how much work she has put into improving as a wrestler and is excited to hopefully get back on the main roster soon. To celebrate her excitement, she walks into the middle of the road to take a selfie of her in not Times Square.

“I think I see the ball dropping behind me, right?”
Nattie is hanging out with Nikki and Brie and tells them that their boss asked her to be in the crowd for the NXT Takeover event, and she’s upset because she is a performer, not a spectator. To make matters worst, the only thing WWE can find for Nattie to do on Summer Slam week is work a Friskies event. . . I mean someone hand her knitting needles already, come on. Nattie tells us she can’t wrap her head around being the only main roster female not being included in this “revolution” and jokes that her career is dying a slow death. Maybe she can knit some “Divas Revolution” ponchos? #Lifegoals.
Brie and Nikki go to a local elementary school to do a reading event, and mysteriously, Dolph has been asked to join as well, as if the producers totally didn’t set this one up. Dolph wants to practice reading the book and we learn why, because Nikki accuses Brie of having the easiest lines. . . in a first grade book. Lord have mercy.

“Did we ever make it past 3rd grade?”
Brie is upset because she feels like Nikki and Dolph are still flirting, but Nikki can’t help it because she notices how great Dolph is with kids. She berates her uterus for turning against her.
Alicia and Paige are out to lunch with Paige’s glam squad and an adorable little girl comes by, asking why Paige and Alicia are sitting with each other. Aren’t they enemies on TV? Way to ruin that kid’s life guys, just tell her you also killed Santa at this point. Alicia tells Paige that she heard Paige was sneaking her squad backstage, which is against the rules if you haven’t gotten it approved. Paige instantly gets on her phone to tear someone’s ass hole out and Alicia is upset because she thinks Paige is making her look bad now and feels like now there is a lack of trust.
Nattie is backstage watching the NXT event and her sister is back there with her when Nattie tells her she was informed they didn’t even need her at the event it turns out. They didn’t even want her to pass out programs for fuck sake. She’s really upset because she isn’t feeling wanted at this point and feels like she’s just one step away from perming her hair and wearing cat sweaters. This is scary news for her.
Nikki and Brie join John to help celebrate his granting of 500 “Make a Wish” wishes. Children stampede each other to see John and this makes Nikki’s ovaries cry. Nikki tells Brie how she thinks John would be the best Dad ever, but yolo, mama wants that diamond, so John playing video games with random youth will have to do for her womb being filled.

The closest to fatherhood he’ll ever be
Summer Slam is here and the Divas match starts up, with Alicia starting to beat up on Paige in the ring. Paige looks like mixed NyQuil and Jager together and isn’t helping out Alicia to make it look like a fight.

“Just let me take a fiver, pleaseee”
Alicia punts her in the back and this makes Paige real pissed. Alicia is upset because the ring is not where you settle your personal issues and she feels like Paige is upset, even though Alicia technically is the upset one. Bitches got me going in all different directions.
Alicia confronts Paige backstage and accuses her of playing possum. I’m very surprised we’ve gone with possum as the chosen animal of laziness, but I digress. Paige says she just needed to take a second to breathe, but Alicia isn’t having it and storms off.

The accusation heard around the world
Nattie is talking to Summer Rae backstage and even though they aren’t the best of friends, Summer tells Nattie she always thinks of women’s wrestling and it will just be a matter of time before Nattie gets back out there. This sexually stimulates Nattie and she goes in and gives Summer her biggest cat lady smooch.

“She got cat fur in my mouthhh”
Paige and her not fiancee, Kevin, go out to dinner and Paige mentions how she is frustrated with Alicia. She found out that Alicia had unfollowed her on all social media and this upsets Paige because she just put up a great possum GIF just for Alicia that she won’t see know because she’s petty. Paige says she doesn’t mind going lone ranger for a little while because she doesn’t need friends that wont even send you snaps anymore on Snapchat.
The road leads to Providence, RI and Brie, Nikki and Nattie go out to lunch. Nikki brings up John’s 500th wish granting and how depressed her uterus is that John still refuses to have children. The girls mention that maybe because John is always around kids for “Make a Wish” that he may not want his own kids because of it. Nikki kind of understands this and knows that she really doesn’t want to settle. She doesn’t want to end up marrying some loser and having the devil child. Meanwhile, her ovaries are now depressed because Nikki has figured out their plan to create Satan spawn.
Paige approaches Alicia backstage at Smackdown and says she literally cannot understand why Alicia is being so shady to her. Alicia says that when she went and used the gossip that Alicia gave her about her squad sneaking backstage, she felt betrayed. Paige understands why but assures Alicia that all the secrets and dead bodies Alicia has told her about will always stay secret with her. Alicia and Paige agree that all is okay and the best relationships need fights so that you can both grow. Then they go off to play a game of possum and all is well in “Total Diva” land for this week.
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