Hello Trashies, This week’s Top Chef was kinda dull, but I’ll try to make the recap interesting with random thoughts observations and digressions. I will probably fail. Oh well, you’ve been warned.
This week’s episode starts with Kwame telling us once again that shit was bad for him 10 years ago. His relationship with his dad crumbled and he started selling drugz for tuition money. His girlfriend reminded him he was better than that, so then he moved to Louisiana. Huh? I felt like the producers clipped that weird as they didn’t really provide us with a clear conclusion. Did Kwame manage to afford tuition on a drug dealers salary? My tuition back in 2009 was like $30,000 a year. So I’d like to know if selling drugs could have kept me out of the crippling debt I incurred by going to a mid-range liberal arts college.
Also what does moving to Louisiana have to do with anything? I get that he got away from the “bad influences” in his life but also presumably he moved away from the girlfriend and his school? Kwame tells this like a success story but, obviously, I am super confused and uncertain about what we are supposed to take away from this story. I feel like the producers lost interest half way and just cut the whole thing short. However, by far my favorite thing is that Kwame says: I knew I was worth something then. If I could make it this big as a drug dealer, imagine how else I could be successful. Amazing, lets hope some children are watching and learning.
Anyway, we cut to break and when we come back it’s time for the quickfire challenge. This week’s quickfire challenge is the most insufferable yet because it is based on social media. The chefs are introduced (sorta) to Chef Jacques Lemerde (Thats Jack the shit in American speak) who is a popular new instagrammer. Lemerde is a pseudonym for the anonymous chef behind the account. Top Chef, in order to maintain anonymity, shows us this chef in silhouette. We see a man in a baseball cap with a modulated voice. I can’t over emphasize how stupid this whole thing looked and sounded. His whole thing is to take junk food and plate it all pretty with tweezers, i.e. make fun of assholes like Manbun (and probably Jeremy) who take themselves entirely too seriously. Therefore, the challenge is to create a visually stunning dish, which they will photograph with an iphone and post to instagram. Whoever’s photo is “liked” the most will be the winner.
Padma then reveals that they will have a bunch of junk food to work with. The table behind her is loaded with Twinkies, Cheetos, Ho-ho’s etc. The chefs go nuts! Carl is stuffing Cheetos in his face like he hasn’t been fed in days. (And everyone collectively wonders to themselves, who dat?) Meanwhile Amar eats whipped cheese, which is one of the more disgusting junk foods we ever invented. It’s right up there with that marshmallow spread, Fluff? Bleh. (I am alone as I am writing this and yet, involuntarily, making faces just thinking about the stuff). But I digress…
So the chef’s get excited to varying degrees, with Isaac, Manbun and Chad seemingly missing the point for completely different reasons. Isaac is all about down home canjun cooking, which he thinks doesn’t have to be visually appetizing since he doesn’t believe in eating with your eyes. So I guess he isn’t into plating food all pretty because he thinks its pretentious. I think it’s pretentious to think you’re above a challenge on the reality show you signed up for, but whatever.
Manbun on the other hand take plating entirely too seriously because he takes pride in being pretentious. Chad is also guilty of this as he tells us that he was an artist & photographer when he joined the navy and became a cook. He hated his job until his mom pointed out to him that an empty plate is a blank canvass and he should paint with food. Gag.
You don’t really need me to caption this.
Basically all of these men miss the point that Lemerede’s account is making fun the hyper masculine culture of competitive food artistry and perfection that most chefs subscribe too. Even the use of the term soignee, which none of the chefs actually seem to be able to define, is meant to mock. It’s drinking champagne out of paper cups and announcing that you’re a fancy person. It’s all a joke.
Top Chef of course casts for people with their heads very far up their own butts, so it’s no surprise they miss the joke because they take themselves too seriously. After the chefs are done they try to bring them in on the joke by revealing Lemerde’s identity. Surprise it’s a girl! I believe it’s “Who dat?” Carl who finally gets it and says oh! It’s a woman, that’s why she has a satirical take on this culture of young men with tweezers and fine dinning. Gold Start Carl! Christine Flynn aka Lemerde tells us the account is about having fun with food and not taking yourself too seriously. But some chefs (Manbun) still don’t really get it as we’ll see in a moment.
So the dishes go as follows (you may want to get on @chefjacqueslemerde to check it out though since this challenge is visual not flavor profile based):
Chad: Blueberries, marshmallow, Twinkies, ho-hos with a carrot top ranch puree. Apparently Chad usues negative space well.
Amar: Fermented black bean puree, easy cheese, spam and Doritos crumble
“Who dat?” Carl: “Canned Lunch Meat from the Garden.” Carl named his, and tells P and Christine that he was trying to invoke seasonality and pay homage to the ingredients. To be clear Carl is kidding because Carl understands the challenge. He is basically mocking how they describe food on Top Chef every week.
Jeremy: Cocoa Powder, carrot dust, milk powder, crème fraîche
Marjorie: Bolonga spaghetti, Twinkie crumble & spinach pure. Christine says this is cool because pig’s ear spaghetti is currently trending.
Isaac: “Dessert Cart” cheese, chocolate, fruit, cheese wiz cap, cheese dip. Christine calls it next level.
Kwame: “Lunch Meat Special” pancetta, prosciutto, thousand island puree. Kwame’s stand’s out as the first one you could eat. It’s pretty soignee accoding to Christine.
Karen: Oreo cookie dirt, cheeto strawberry icing & donuts. P says it’s beautiful
As soon as Manbun steps up, before he has even announced his dish, a tuba starts tooting comically as he squats, stands, turns and generally makes a giant ass of himself while trying to find the perfect shot for his dish. This man is not in on the joke that has been made explicit at this point in the challenge. We get a shot of Christine clearly looking at the producers like, how long are you going to allow this to go on? We se Karen go from happy smiling face to tight lipped, I wanna kill you face. We see P and hear other chefs, like alright, lets get this done. But MB is unphased he continues squatting and adjusting. Finally like a mother counting down before as she threatens to put her child in time out, Padma condescendingly begins, 3-2-… “Got it!” MB knows not to let P get to 1, or else he’ll have to sit facing the corner for the next 15 minutes.
Insert clown, tuba toots here.
I don’t even take that long to tweeze the food.
Manbun: Chocolate pudding, 2 different kinds of pop tarts & run air. Padma says, beautiful in a tone that screams, I hate you. Love you P.
So the chefs have to wait til the next day to find out who won the challenge, and immunity since they need to wait for the likes.
In the meantime the chefs will begin work on the elimination challenge. P introduces chef Neil Fraser. I don’t know anything about him except that he looks like an older, and droopier version of MB with his man-bob. MB knows exactly who this guy is because Fraser actually gave him his start. Then it seems, MB decided to single-white-female him.
Bad head hair, check. Bad facial hair, check. Yep must be MB’s mentor.
Chef Fraser then tells about some event in LA called Beefsteak. Apparently in the past it was a way to make it acceptable for gangster and politicians to sit together at a table. Everyone dressed up, there was a lot of meat and alchol, and no vaginas (although, if you look closely in the picture you’ll notice that there were in fact women).
Nowadays Chefs throw a Beefsteak as a fundraiser for the local food bank. And also to get really drunk and eat lots of meat, but not feel bad about it. They serve whole smoked salmon, huge racks of lamb and beef etc. This time around though the Top Chef chefs will be doing all the cooking. Great, I’m sure this will go perfectly.
There are 3 teams of 3. Each one will prepare a traditionally beef steak dinner.
Team 1: MB, Amar and Jeremy
Team 2: Isaac, Marjorie and Chad
Team 3: Karen, Carl, Kwame
Marjorie really reminds me of Eeyore. Even when she is excited or happy she is sad and droopy. Don’t misunderstand me, I like Marjorie, but she tells us that she is pumped to be paired with Isaac because he owns a restaurant which he calls a “meatery.” And though she claims to be excited there is zero change in her intonation or her face. Anyway this probably means Isaac is gonna be overly confident as will his team and he will bomb as will they.
P tells them each team must create a meat dish, a seafood dish and two sides. Chef Fraser tells them that the three rules of Beefsteak are there are no utensils, no plates and no napkins. This challenge is like the opposite of the last one. Also, they should probably just call Beefsteak a BBQ and do it outside so you can wipe your hands on the grass when your done. But Chef Frasers whole point is everyone eats with their hands so think about how that ties in with what you’re serving.
We see Team 2 deliberate first. Chad is making the fish. Isaac decides he would like to do a chicken and bacon sausage. Marjorie wonders if it is a good idea not to serve any beef at a dinner named Beefsteak. I assume it is not. Marjorie’s going to make bread which she points out is a sort of natural napkin as it absorbs the juices and flavors. Plus you can use it as a sort of plate/utensil to actually help you eat the meat. I believe sandwiches are based on this concept. Good call Marjorie.
Next we see Team 3. Kwame wants to make the fish dish. Shrimp and a crab butter. Carl is doing the meat dish, but he mumbles whatever he is actually intending to make so it will remain a mystery for now. In terms of sides Karen is doing asparagus and fingerling potatoes. Carl also suggests they do “Spanish Flavors.” Carl says it makes sense because his wife lived in Spain and he’s travelled to Spain a bunch, so it’s a flavor profile they can all wrap their heads around. Huh? Did Kwame and Karen also visit Mrs. “Who dat?” in Spain? Cause otherwise you’re not making any sense Carl.
Carl claims this photo was taken in Spain. But I don’t believe him. Neither does his hat.
Finally Team 1. Jeremy asks if they should do the math and figure out how much food they need for 200 people. Manbun declares that they need 100 portions of everything. I tend to over buy when I am throwing a party and assume that every guest is going to be a ravenous drunk that night, so I may not be the best at estimating how much people actually need. But shouldn’t it be 200 portions of everything for 200 people? I get that everyone wont eat every bit of everything, but shouldn’t they have the option to. That way everyone feels comfortable eating as much as they want. I mean Chef Fraser’s whole thing is this is a big, gluttonous feast. Pretty sure that means you shouldn’t skimp.
Amar offers to do the fish. MB says he wants to roast whole racks of lamb for the meat dish. That way you can pick the meat up by the bone (lollipop style). So Jeremey offers to do the sides. Amar also questions whether they should be doing beef for a beefsteak dinner but Manbun announces to us in the interview that he really wants to cook lamb. So I guess there is no need to think about what the guests attending an event called Beefsteak might want, or expect.
Jeremy also explicitly asks him if they should do beef instead of lamb, but when MB says no. They told me to do whatever I want so, LAMB FOR LIFE! Jeremy tells us in his interview that this is an elimination challenge and if Manbun wants to spearhead the lamb he isn’t going to say no. Basically Jeremy is hoping if he gives MB enough rope MB will just hang himself with it. Me too.
At the grocery store the various chefs tell us stories that once again I don’t care about. Top Chef should either include more about the cooking of the dishes or just cut the show to 30 minutes. I don’t care about the time Amar learned that they way you butcher a 30 lb halibut is the same way you butcher a small fish (though I’ll admit I’m impressed with his work ethic at age 15. At 15 I think I was chatting on aim and doing my homework while watching the Daily Show. Discipline & work ethic eluded me back then, and probably now too.)
Anyway a lot of other people say stuff that was less interesting than what Amar said. Carl points out that he is the only one serving beef. And that if none of them serve beef they will probably be laughed at. Some of the chefs run into road blocks because the store doesn’t have what they originally intended to serve. I know that those scenes are meant to be an advertisement for Whole Foods but really all they focus on most episodes (during the shopping scenes) is what Whole Food doesn’t have. In the past this has included some basic stuff like Chickpeas and Lemongrass. I don’t know but you might wanna rethink this deal Whole Foods.
Back in the kitchen the chef’s finally do the bit that presumably Top Chef is about, the cooking part. Amar tells us that every time he does a team challenge his team comes out on top but he doesn’t win. So his goal is to personally win this time. It’s an ironic goal to announce during a team challenge but it’s also weird that Top Chef picks a single winner when it’s a team challenge so whatever.
Isaac is making sausage and trying to be the next Food Network star (as usual). He is really excited about the sausage grinder. He tells us he wants to focus on bones and decadence. He also tells us that chicken can be decadent when you pack it full of bacon. Ok Isaac. Amar tells us he used to be an arrogant person just like MB but then he started taking criticism better and now he is a better chef and human. There is a little countdown as the clock runs down for the end of the night.
The next morning MB calls his wife. Apparently they met in middle school then met years later at a party (this is not an interesting story but Manbun thinks it is because it is about him). Anyway this is the longest he has been away from his wife, and he misses her. He also tells us that his parents had the opportunity to hand him life on a silver platter but told him he had to get a job at age 12 (humble brag, my family is rich, but we have good values). First, knwong that MB grew up as a rich, spoiled, brat, explains a lot. Secondly there is no way this story isn’t bullshit. Unless MB grew up at the turn of century there are child labor laws in this country set up to make sure that parents don’t forcer their children into the labor market at age 12. I think this is just his way of trying to tell us that he is hardworking and endearing himself to us, but it just doesn’t work. Where Amar’s story feels authentic,, this story falls short. It’s clear he is telling us this story with an agenda about the storyline he wants to present. Of course that makes me like him even less.
So the Chefs get on location. They are cooking and prepping and proofing and getting shit done. Meanwhile guests arrive. All the guests are dressed up but also wearing aprons. Ok I guess I was a little down on the Beefsteak concept earlier and that may have been premature. It seems like a pretty fun event. Anywhere you can get dressed up but be a glutenous, and generally awful person is somewhere I’d probably like to be.
Ok food time. All of a sudden Top Chef decided to give the teams colors. So now Team 1 is the Green Team.
Manbun: New Zealand Rack of Lamb with Prune Jam
Amar: Grilled Halibut with Mustard Vinaigrette, Cucumber & Pickled Red Onion
Jeremy: Fried Brussels Sprouts with Bacon, Sweet & Sour Sauce & Cilantro. AND Roasted Carrots with Spiced Yogurt
P tastes lamb
P leaves some lamb on platter. One of the other judges tosses it behind his shoulder.
This woman CANNOT believe what just happened.
P’s laughing at uptight bitches tonight.
We see the judges enjoying themselves, I guess. One of the judges throws a half eaten piece of lamb that P left on the platter at one of the other tables. It wouldn’t have been so funny, but the horrified look on the woman’s face at the other table, is really pretty great. Also I notice that Collin Hanks is there, but cooler still is that Ron Funches is sitting next to Padma. What is this event? I would very much like to attend. The Green Team comes out to ask how everything was and they are told everything was good and technically proficient, spiced well etc. but too dainty!
Yay! It’s Ron Funches! That is all.
Blue Team was previously referred to as Team 2:
Issac: Chicken & Bacon Sausage with Grilled Cabbage
Chad: Ash-Seared Tuna with Citrus, Pickled Beets, Radish & Black Sesame
Marjorie: Assorted Pickled Vegetables & Milk Bread
The chefs like the look of the piles of sausage, but ultimately feel it is under-seasoned and that there isn’t enough fat. Which is sorta funny since Isaac said it is 40% bacon. I guess chicken can’t really be that decadent. At least not how Isaac cooked it. They are also unhappy with the Tuna topped with micro greens which is too dainty as it is served. I think too many of the chefs heard that there were no plate, forks or napkins and thought, ah ha, finger good. The only thing they like is Marjorie’s milk bread (which looks so good, I’m gonna make some this weekend).
Red Team formerly Team 3
Carl & Karen: Roasted Strip Loin with Romesco
Kwame: Peel & Eat Shrimp with Aromatic Butter
Karen: Asparagus with Chorizo AND Potatoes & Olives
The Red Team’s dinner is a bit of a mixed bag. At first the chefs are excited by the giant platter of shrimp and disappointed by the small serving of beef. However, they love the beef and sauce while they find Kwame’s shrimp bitter, over-cooked and weirdly spiced. Karen’s veggies are a hit though.
With all of the chefs struggling in this challenge everyone is wondering whether they are the lucky person who has immunity. But the person with 5,000 likes the winner was Karen. “Shut up!” She shouts at Padma. It’s a nice moment.
Now it’s time to see who fell on their face the hardest. Chad says that it was hard to get meat in the amounts that the decadence of this dinner calls for. But one of the judges points out that chefs always have limitations and figuring out how to deal with those limitations is what makes you a good chef or a bad chef. Disappointingly it is the Green Team that won this challenge, which means we are stuck with MB for another round. Especially since he won this one. Well, whatever.
Next, Marjorie Chad and Isaac, the losers. Isaac is criticized for his bland sausage. He thinks they don’t like his plating, but the judges make it clear that it’s not about how pretty or not his dish was, it’s about the execution. Marjorie really has no business being at the bottom except that her teammates did poorly. Everyone loved her veggies, and bread and make that super clear. Tom says she is by far the best baker they’ve had on Top Chef. Chad once again is faulted for his use of micro greens and focus on presentation. Padma tells he that he needs to loosen up and be more creative. I don’t think any of were in suspense over what happened next, Chad got eliminated. Frankly this was over due and dude was soo boring. Plus can any of us actually remember something he made that was impressive?
And with that we come to the end of another Top Chef episode. Hope you all enjoyed this weeks episode and recap. Until next week, keep cooking, and eating and watching.
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us onFacebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!