Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Yolanda gave her entire friend circle on Facebook Lyme Disease, Erika taught us her Pat the Puss choreography, …
…not to be confused with Beyonce’s Pat the Fuss (Arabic for fart)…
…and Rinna tried to explain that Munchausen’s isn’t something you get after smoking too much weed.
Joo calleen me drug addeek?
Two old whores walk into a Cryo Clinic…
We are here to make da cry.
Lisa Vanderpump and Kyle (THE WORST) join Yoli at the Feels Clinic to get fat frozen off. Or kill Lyme. I have no idea, honestly. The only one who can explain why Yoli is here is Yoli, and I don’t speak Sudoku.
Vanderpump just wants to be a supportive friend. In other words, she’s being as nice as possible on camera so Mohammed will still build barns for midget donkey horses and invite her to his to sex chamber parties at his gross Mall House.
Kyle and Lisa are laughing their asses off, and Yoli says that this is no joke. Chee does it every day uff ha lives! I don’t know how that’s possible, as she hasn’t walked in nine months or whatever, but I’ll go with it.
As this is a “maydigal” procedure, there’s a gay bear to explain the process. You freeze and then leave feeling ready to complain publicly about illnesses you’re making up as you go along. This is supposedly what EVERYONE in LA does to lose fat. And yet Nurse Bear has a muffin top. Don’t buy a car from a dude riding a bike, people.
Yoli likes getting frozen like a popsicle, or feeling like anything she refuses to let Da Udda One (Bella) eat.
Kyle jumps at the opportunity to hide her turkey neck. It’s the first item of clothing she’s worn in years in her actual size.
I hope it’s your birthday, cuz you’re about to get a gift.
Kyle compares the experience to speeding downhill naked in a blizzard. I’m hoping there’s a giant boulder to crash into.
Yoli is really determined to beat her TouchingThighLyme, so she’s gonna go for another round. Fuck that. The other chicks are going to lunch. Well, not health advocate Daisy. She’s gonna stay and watch, cuz bitch makes more money by the hour watching FroYo spin around in a giant pot than she did sucking dick.
Why? It’s already a damn Slushee.
Erika’s in a closet with a man who has never been in one before.
This guy came out of the womb snapping his fingers and looking for something to suck on. He does a lot of head rolling and a “bloop!” Oh lord. He’s been infected by the dreaded NeNe Borealis Virus.
Erika is doing a show called Pervert at a gay club called Riches. You can’t make this shit up. Pervert Riches. I’ve just typed her resume.
Wrapped in cash.
The show is in San Diego, and the women are coming cuz “Everyone needs a little Erika Jayne in their life! Especially these old girls.” Making old jokes when you’re married to Don Rickles would be hilarious if it wasn’t so sad. This girl earns her money. Making it this many years without choking to death on that ball sack deserves a tacky trophy. And she got two!
Excellence in Old Nut Sack Swallowing
She has a necklace that says “Cunty”, and she’s gonna wear it just to piss off conservative old slag Kathryn. The woman turned her own Cut Fitness into a condo in LA, a home in San Diego, trips around the world and a “private” jeweler, so Erika doesn’t understand why she finds the word offensive. It’s like making your money preparing taxes and getting mad when someone says “Accountant.”
Erika explains that cunt isn’t a bad word. It’s a way of life. Yes, dear. We watch Bravo. We know.
As they go over what Erika isn’t gonna wear for soundcheck (not kidding. She has a sound check LOL), Erika says she wants something to keep her vagina hot and steamy. Might I suggest a microwave?
Rinna is packing for Palm Springs alone. She zips up her suitcases and laughs at herself like a Three’s Company studio audience. It’s a tick.
Vanderpump and Kyle arrive at lunch and V asks if Kyle’s cold heart has thawed out yet. Never. She’s like a Frosty the Snowman that lasts all year round. But squeezed into an elf sized bra.
The smell of wet newspaper and retired slag enters. The White Jeans of Doom.
Wash Me
Why Yoli refuses to wash these damn jeans I’ll never know. I can only guess they’ve become her trademark because they symbolize the double casts she’s wearing in her mind.
After asking the waiter for salmon with a side of healing, Yoli goes right in on Rinna. She dragged her bony hyperventilating/laughing ass all the way to Daveed My Love’s Bachelor Fuck Pad just to accuse Yolanda of having da Captain of da Munchies diseezz. Yo doesn’t even allow cereal in her home, so she’s pissed.
Vanderpump says Rinna was just repeating gossip that started in Malibu, but before she has time to say the name Failor Armstrong, Yo is on their asses. “Deed joo steeg ub fah me? Joo my homies!”
Only the whitest woman in the world would call her friends homies. And she just did. Yolanda has been sick for three or four years and hasn’t walked in nine months and hasn’t driven in over a year and has to pretend to sleep next to bottles of Patron just to stay alive, people. How could you be so insensitive?
Look! She’s sick! She’s wearing skin tone lip matte, skin tone base and brown eyeshadow. This is basically stage makeup for anyone who has to play sick or poor in community theater, and I fucking love that she’s whipping it out every single week. Can a Fiddler on the Roof tour be far behind?
If I was a da reech mayn, yadda doodoo I am doo dired do feeneesh.
Kyle tells us that when Rinna used that dreaded M word, she and V should have done more. More than what? You know these betches hinted before shooting that Rinna should bring up Yoli’s fakery and then pretended they had nothing to do with it once the cameras started rolling.
Kyle is the fucking WORST. Should you have stoned Rinna, for chrissakes? You’re the one who suggested Yolanda just needed anti-depressants, ya monster.
And where does Yolanda get off suggesting anyone betrayed her? The woman who tried to call Vanderpump’s husband a Friend Abuser and then used Brandi against her and then Twitch against Kyle for two seasons? The only people Yolanda is true to are the ones who’re paying her bills at the time or attacking the people she doesn’t like so she can keep her jeans white(ish).
Vanderpump tries to wave it all off as idle gossip, but Yoli’s not done. Rinna told her that they were talking shit about her kids.
As she does when things get real, Vanderpump flips both sides of her hair back. It’s her battle cry. She’s ready for this betch.
“Done gayt cloze do my cheeldrayn!” If you don’t want people talking about your children, you wouldn’t be hawking them out to every national news outlet in the land, cow. You can’t paste your “sick” kids all over Insta and put them on the RedCarpetLyme circuit and then get pissy when people talk to them. Please. You use your children as a retirement fund. If anyone needs to stop abusing them, it’s their pimp. I’d ask you to look in a mirror, but I don’t want to wait for you to adjust your sick eye shadow.
V says that no one was attacking the kids and all she said was that she had never heard mention of them having Lyme. Yo is pissed. Mohammed pays dayr maydigal beel! He knows all uff da treadments! Well ok, but he never mentioned it to Vanderpump and that’s what she said when questioned. OH YEAH? BINDERS!!
Cut to Yoli showing Rinna mountains of Trapper Keepers full of lord knows what. I’m guessing she’s scrapbooking her “journey” like a trip to Tibet or some shit. Here’s where I got monkey asshole injected into my toes for da PneumoniaLyme. Here’s where I ate three village children to cure da AcidRefluxLyme! Dead Sea floating for da RootsThatWon’tDyeLyme.
We aren’t shown the papers, but trust. There is not ONE SINGLE PAGE that says “Diagnosis: Chronic Lyme”, cuz that disease doesn’t exist. And if there WAS one real disease in there that Yolanda was getting treatment for from places like the Feng Planet Fitness in Chinatown, we’d know. She’d have balloons imprinted with the disease name and gifted to everyone she knows.
Bitch please.
If these books prove anything, it’s that you’re a fucking leech who takes money from a man not even married to you anymore to spend millions on diseases that could have been cured a long time ago by marrying someone that actually loved you and gave you the attention you so obviously need.
Stop spending MoHam’s millions on Trapper Keepers and spend a few bucks on Match.com. You’re tiring me out.
Yolanda wants to be sure, so she asks as clearly as her slushee brain will allow: Vanderpump never said her kids don’t have Lyme?
Vandy replies that from what she’s got from it, Mohammed says they’re healthy. “So you’re basically sayeen Da Udda One and Da Udda Udda One done have Lyme dizeezz.”
Yo is still going. She doesn’t want this to ruin Lisa VP’s relationship wit da Uddas! Who fucking cares? So Lisa doesn’t have to write them checks every birthday and Christmas now? Who loses? Vanderpump isn’t playing this game, so Yoli whips out a manilla envelope supposedly containing test results for her Uddas. Uh huh. You know there’s just uno cards in that shit.
Lisa, predictably, refuses to take the envelope and says she’ll trust whatever MoHam says. LOL. Yoli says that the kids would turn if they knew LVP “discredited dare joorny”. She keeps saying that, as if having a disease is a credit. Hon, Lyme isn’t a film that gets you a line on IMDB. And if anyone discredits the journey of people with real illnesses and longterm complications from Lyme, it’s you.
The fact that she has so many people fighting for her and giving her insta likes every time she posts a victim pic is just sick. They should be running your faker ass out of town, because it will be ten times as difficult to get anyone to believe them after you played this game for TV.
Lisa refuses to give Yo what she came for. She stays calm, insists that she said nothing offensive, and finishes her salad. Well, Rinna said it was Lisa who said everything (untrue. Yoli’s shit recollection is either malicious or stupid or both. Never trust this ho), and Lisa denies it.
Kyle is thrilled. Vanderpump just got grilled and Kyle’s (again) off the hook when she’s the one who started all this. “We’ve never spoken about Yo’s kids!” Uh huh. Unfortunately, the editors don’t splice in Kyle asking over and over again about Yolanda’s kids fake diseases at her terrible BBQ. The. WORST.
Yo puts the uno cards back in her bag and smirks at Vanderpump. “Eed’s bedween yoo and da uneeverze, baybee!”
As Vanderpump lives in a mansion she named after herself and bought with restaurant money and you live in a soon to be ex’s fuck pad while taking money from TWO rich men at once to pay for trips around the world to promote your insta likes and your not as hot children’s modeling careers, I’d say the universe is smiling on LVP just fine.
Please use whatever money da Uddas are making off this BS to start a savings account. It’s gonna be hard to find another rich giblet neck to keep you in the LymeStyle you’ve become accustomed to.
Eileen and Kathryn meet for lunch. They order salmon. Poor salmon. Hard to believe they’re not extinct. Lunch in Beverly Hills should have cleared them out.
Eileen, as usual, is in Ross Dress for Less and a terrible weave that shows from the side. OY. How can one of the top soap actresses of our time have zero gays in her life?
Kathryn, as usual, is wearing money she didn’t earn. She tells Eileen how important shoes and bags and material things are to her, and Eileen laughs. As someone who actually wakes up and goes to WORK for a living, she has better things to spend money on. Like paying back Indian Casinos so her husband doesn’t get his knees broken.
Kathryn says she’s gonna call Vince to tell him to loosen up the wallet strings and Eileen laughs again. That’s not how this relationship works, Kathryn. K pulls a Kyle and lists all the shit she’s currently spending her husband’s money on as Eileen texts CBS from her iPhone 4 to tell them she might be a few minutes late to her job cuz some chessehead slag is wasting her time listing her AmEx purchases.
They joke about liking each other’s husbands, and come to find out Eileen dated Marcus Allen the same year Kathryn did. Shocker. After Kathryn takes a call from her latest Piggy Bank, Eileen playfully suggests she start dating Kathryn’s current husband, too. Kathryn says “I’m keeping an eye on you.”
If history teaches you anything, you should. Knowing how against reading you are, though, it won’t.
Erika’s on a tour bus. She doesn’t own it. Normally, she just uses local craigslist talent and flies on the Plane That Don Rickle’s Ball Sack Built, but she needs to bring her accessories with her this time.
Pay for Gay
Rickles calls, and she coos “I love yoooou” in her her little girl voice for him. Then she hangs up and says “The boss called.” HA. This girl wins at life. I know I’m going to hate her ass soon, because she reeks of awful. For now, though, it’s nice to have a ho who acknowledges her longterm John. It’s like the epilogue of Pretty Woman, but with way less talent and terrible hair.
The ladies are all meeting at Kyle’s to go to San Diego together. Adrienne Maloof is here! Woot Woot!
There are no words to describe the pain Eileen is wearing today, so I’ll let this gif do it.
In the limo, the ladies make fun of Eileen’s terrible fashion. It’s hilarious. She calls them all superficial bitches and tells them to fuck off. LANDMARK MOMENT. I’ve been waiting for this for two seasons! Welcome to the Housewives, betch!! I know from years and years of watching Days of Our Lives that Eileen has at least four crazy women in her, and I believed that they would eventually come out. Please let this be the start of something beautiful.
Erika is in her Ho-sidential Suite getting ready for her per-ho-mance. In other words, she’s buck naked and getting her vag sprayed with Febreeze by her gang o gays. Blech.
Back in the limo, people have clothes on. YAY! Vanderpump moans about having to go to the cry center with Yolanda’s crazy ass, and Rinna asks, sincerely, how Yo’s white jeans are. Vanderpump tells her she’s pissed that Rinna caused shit for her and doesn’t appreciate having an envelope full of uno cards shoved in her face while she’s trying to decimate the salmon population in peace.
Rinna emphatically denies that she said anything about LVP or Kyle or the Udda Ones. Lisa believes her and wonders who else would be spreading these lies. Kyle just sits back and strokes her Chanel. Rinna will get to the bottom of this. She has Google and she’s not afraid to use it, betches.
Erika’s calling with Yoli. I have to hand it to this chick. She checked in with the man who bought her this lifestyle and the woman who got her on TV. She’s like a really slutty thank you card.
The ladies get ready for the show at their hotel. Rinna tells Eileen that she’s got her Jessica Fletcher on and she figured out the big mystery of who is turning Vanderpump and Rinna against each other. It was Erika Jayne in the Print to Canvas Selfie Library with a vibrator.
In the limo, she tells the girls that she’s going to confront Erika about this game of Clueless because she’s all about #Justice. Good luck with that. Wear a cup.
Erika is getting ready to go on, and as most performers do, she starts with a Prayer Circle. LOL at God in Heaven listening to the choreographer who came up with Pat the Puss’ group prayer. He already gave y’all the ability to pick up dollar bills with your cornholes. What more do you want from the Man?
The gay club is full of muscled leather queens, and I have to remind myself that I gave up body issues last season. Then I eat a Milky Way and pretend I’m only crying cuz I’m allergic to Milky Ways.
Rinna, who has told us last season that she watches porn with her husband to get off and has posed for Playboy twice, acts like Martha Stewart with a prison guard’s gnarly fingernail up her ass for the first time. It was scary at first, but then kinda fun.
Most shows in gay bars are hideous over the hill drag queens lip synching to shitty music, and this one is no different. Phew. No ground broken here. Someone might break a Ross Dress for Less heel on the cracks (sorry Eileen).
Erika writhes around and squeaks about being a temptress or some shit while Kyle swings her receding hairline around. I can’t tell if Vanderpump is bored with the club or pained by the sounds of ten pound puppies being strangled at once. Either way, I’m with her grouchy judgmental ass.
At the end of the song, confetti falls down over EJ like she just won American Idol. The gays don’t applaud, but you can hear Rinna yelling “Wooo!” as she snaps pics to get Harry hard later.
Oh God there’s another song? It’s Painkllr. Yes, that’s spelled as a Yolanda quote on purpose. It’s like a real painkiller, but without vowels. Cuz art. It’s not a bad title though. It should be a jingle because a painkiller is all I crave after five minutes of listening to this slag squeak.
In the Bus That Don Rickles’ Ball Sack Rented, the ladies convene and head back to the hotel. After taking out their earplugs and swallowing a few aspirin, they tell Erika how AMAZING she is. LOL.
Kathryn hates the cunty necklace, and everyone is mortified that Erika would wear the word on the neck she should be reserving for pearl necklaces. Except for Eileen, who’s winning my prickly heart finally. She tells them to stop their bitching and stop being so cunty. HA. Kyle is totally OFFENDED, you guys, and Vanderpump says the word is not ok. Erika smacks her down. “We’re on my turf. We’re not at Pump.”
Yes, because if you were, there would be some gigantic pots and rot iron lamps to hide the disdainful old lady glares you’re getting right now. Erika explains the c word as meaning “fun! Vibrant! Sassy!” I don’t know what dictionary her ass is having a maid read to her, but we have totally different versions. Mine says
Kyle’s clothes are so tight her implants are about to crack her collar bone.
Rinna confronts Erika about Da Udda Ones lie the second they get to the after party, and Erika denies saying anything about anyone. Rinna stutters “I’m done! I’m OVER IT! DONE! I give this lie one star on Amazon!” But she isn’t done. Cuz she keeps saying “DONE! THAT’S IT! DONE!” She’s literally still saying it as I type.
Erika waves it all off and says she doesn’t wanna discuss it and she didn’t say it. She tells us that of course she said it but she doesn’t wanna talk about this with glue and febreeze all over her vag.
Rinna won’t stop repeating that she’s DONE and Erika finally yells “Stop owning it, Lisa Rinna!” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Rinna, true to form, tells us that Erika needs to “OWN IT, MISSY!” She also calls Erika a pussy, which is totally different than a cunt. Either way, she’d be right.
Kathryn tells everyone to just drop it. This was someone’s cue to say “Faye” and watch Kathryn’s head pop off and they missed it.
They all go to bed, and in the hallway, Rinna keeps muttering about how she’s gonna just drop it. But who do YOU guys think said it? She’s having an episode right now, and it’s making me laugh my ass off. I don’t think she’s ever been told to NOT own it. Her entire life view is crumbling.
She starts spouting off some drunken non Shakespeare. “Doth protest!” and “Much to do about nothing!” Not sure if she learned Shakespeare from the Learning Annex or if she’s just trying to keep the “Terrible Performance” theme going for the entire trip, but I’m loving it.
Kyle sees a service cart with ketchup and mustard and starts pushing it around the hall while Rinna mutters “DONE!” like Rain Man in a wig from the 90’s. Vanderpump joins in, and the cart crashes to the floor.
Vanderpump and Kyle run into their room and slam the door, leaving Rinna standing confusedly in the hall to take the blame for their mess.
Typical.
Next week, Erika Jayne loses her shit and her bitch flower blooms. FINALLY!
Thanks for reading, and I would like to personally congratulate Eileen for morphing into the denim pantsuit wearing, ridiculous hero I knew she could be. See you next week!