OK, Trashies. Here we go. I’m exhausted and I’m still getting over whatever plague seems to be going around lately. This recap is brought to you by copious amounts of NyQuil.
I wish this were a real thing.
Let’s jump right in because we have a cliffhanger to resolve! Ben and :Olivia walk off to have a conversation and the other ladies are left to speculate what’s going on. Now, I generally like Emily, but if the whole “Teen Mom” comment was “the most offensive joke [she’s] ever heard,” then that girl needs to get out more.
While that’s going on, Ben is telling :Olivia that some of the women feel like :Olivia isn’t like them. I’m just going to put her response her verbatim because there’s no way to sum it up:
I feel like it’s been hard for me to relate. Everybody here is really into, like, you know, like painting their nails and doing each other’s hair, and that’s great, but, like, I’m just different. Like, I like reading books in my room and, like, you know, thinking and that’s what I do, and I wanna talk smart [giant pause] things.
Sound familiar?
So, :Olivia and Ben return to the group and it’s time for the rose ceremony. I forget who has roses. I know :Olivia and Lauren H. do. Is it JoJo who has the other one? No,wait. It’s Amanda. That’s right. The rest of the ladies staying are:
Caila
Lauren B.
JoJo
Becca
Leah
Emily
So, that means Jennifer (who?) is leaving. Seriously, did she speak at all this season? Is she going to be the new Samantha and come onto Paradise and have everyone talking about her? I think it’s nice that Jennifer (who?) is so sweet in her exit. She tells Ben that there are a lot of great girls here. Well done, Jennifer. Don’t turn into a bitch on Paradise. Oh, and then Ben tells everyone they’re going to the Bahamas.
And, magically, the ladies are already in the Bahamas! Oh, and we’re still complaining about :Olivia, I guess. Anyway, a date card arrives and it’s for Caila! It says, “Let’s see if our love is reel.” I know it obviously means they’re going fishing, but I was hoping they’d be going to a Reel Big Fish concert. That would have been awesome. Of course, the other ladies are pissed because there are some people who still haven’t gotten a one-on-one date yet. Did you know that there is someone named Leah on this show?
Apparently, this is her!
To the camera, Ben explains that Caila’s first one-on-one date wasn’t really one-on-one because Kevin Hart and Ice Cube were there. Because the date is boring, we go back to the hotel where Leah is crying hysterically. Despite all the crazy tears, what she says makes a lot of sense. She knows that her not getting a date by this point means that Ben really isn’t that interested in her. I am a bit concerned that it’s taken Leah this long to realize that coming on this show would result in her looking like a fool. And I’m back to thinking that Leah isn’t so smart. She mentions that she and Ben live in the same town and could have met at a bar. Instead, the universe brought them together on this show. Oh, honey, the universe doesn’t give a shit about The Bachelor. Then she cries that Ben isn’t willing to “take that leap” with her.
And this show never misses a chance to give us a metaphor.
At night, Ben is concerned that Caila is so smiley all the time. I guess this is just his weird way of saying that he wants her to be vulnerable. At first, I love Caila’s answer. She tells Ben that she feels put on the spot to be vulnerable immediately. Yay! Someone smart. Oh, then she ruins it. Once again, I’m just going to put here what exactly what she says:
For me right now, I feel like I love you…but, I don’t know why I can’t share…maybe it’s just that I’m not ready. I feel like my greatest fear is that I can’t totally completely fall in love with somebody. And part of me is afraid, because your greatest fear is being unlovable, and my greatest fear might be breaking your heart. It doesn’t feel right. It feels like I’m gonna hurt you.
After Ben tells us that he thinks Caila is going to leave by her own decision, we cut back to the hotel because it’s time for the group date card. It’s for Lauren B., Becca, Amanda, JoJo, Lauren H., and Leah. Leah complains about it and Emily and :Olivia realize that they’re on the two-on-one date. Why does :Olivia say that Emily is young. They’re the same fucking age!
I guess “smart things” don’t include “how numbers work.”
On the date, Caila continues to be confusing. Ben asks if she thinks he’s the right person, but she doesn’t exactly answer his question. On the upside, it’s a pretty good audition for The Bachelorette. Despite being confused, Ben gives Caila the rose.
The next morning, Leah is still complaining. Why does she keep saying that she’s the only girl who hasn’t had a one-on-one date. Neither Emily nor :Olivia has gotten one. Well, Emily kind of did after Ben dumped her sister and :Olivia makes a lot of time to talk to Ben, but neither has had a full day with him.
Eh, enough of that. The ladies get on a boat with Ben, they drink, and then they arrive at an island with a lot of swimming pigs.
Way cuter than Ben. Can this pig be the Bachelor?
They swim and feed the pigs. JoJo wins me over when she says that the situation is “like a bar in Dallas. There are pigs everywhere.”
Remind me never to go to Dallas.
Back a the house, Emily calls her sister to tell her about the two-on-one date with :Olivia. Why is Emily allowed to call home so much? I didn’t think that was a thing on this show.
Meanwhile, on the date, the ladies are starting to realize that Lauren B. is getting the winner’s edit. JoJo kind of explains the awkwardness to him but doesn’t actually tell him, “Hey, we all know you like Lauren B. the most.” Leah is still complaining about Ben not talking to her. However, I can’t remember her ever trying to talk to him. I know that it’s bad to come across as demanding and desperate, but it’s probably a good idea to at least act like you are slightly interested in the lead. I develop a little soft spot for Leah when she coins the term “group date groupie.”
Thank you for your contribution to Bachelor Nation. You can go home now, Leah.
Later that night, the ladies are talking about how awkward everything is when Ben comes in. The first girl he wants to talk to is Becca. No one says anything important, and we just get a quick segment of the two-on-one date card arriving, so let’s jump to the part that we all want to talk about: Leah throwing Lauren B. under the bus as being “fake.” First of all, the whole editing on that was weird. A few people have pointed out that Leah actually saying “Lauren B.” seems dubbed over (as the audio changes) and we don’t actually see her saying. I love that Sharleen exists and points all this stuff out.
After that, Ben confronts Lauren B. about the whole situation. Seeing as Leah saying “Lauren B.” really seems like it was dubbed in, it’s funny that Ben immediately knew she was the person in question when someone said, “The person you have the best connection with.” After that, Lauren cries to the other ladies.
Leah does her best to act surprised.
Leah responds with, “Your name was brought up? I didn’t say anything.” Even if she didn’t actually say “Lauren B.,” we all know that’s who she was talking about. Leah is aware that there are cameras on this show and that literally everyone will know that she was trying to get Lauren B. eliminated. Anyway, the group date rose goes to Amanda. Suck it, Leah.
We get a rare glimpse of the evening after the date. The ladies figure out who tried to call out Lauren B. while Leah goes to talk to Ben some more. Honestly, I think the ladies are right. It’s ridiculously obvious that Ben is into Lauren B. Leah is grasping a straws, so she’s trying to do whatever she can get someone else eliminated.
And look how well that plan worked!
OK, here we go. Two-on-one date with Emily and :Olivia. They get on a boat and just head off to an island so that someone can be dumped far away from their luggage. :Olivia gets the first bit of alone time. Once again, she provides me with an awesome quotation:
People haven’t really tried to get to know me, and I’m not gonna be somebody that I’m not. I’m not going to force myself to be friends with people, like, I wouldn’t be friends with normally. I am more of an introvert. I’m OK with it. Um, I’m at peace with who I am, and I love who I am. I’m very grounded. Very, like, in tune with my body. Like, just, I’m really strong. I’m really confident. Like, I know I come off as intimidating to people because I do know who I am. I like news and politics and religion. Just deep intellectual…things are just my jam. Like, I’ve come to, like, a love of amazing realizations lately…
Then she goes on about knowing things are right with Ben and how she’s in love with him.
While she was talking, I spent time making this.
Nothing much happens during Emily’s alone time with Ben.
Emily is replaced by Cousin Itt.
It’s time to give out the rose. Ben picks it up and asks :Olivia to talk to him for a moment. Emily immediately starts crying, but we all know this is just a little misdirection. The breakup is pretty normal, but it’s the aftermath that is amazing. While Ben gave Emily the rose, :Olivia just stood perfectly still about 20 feet away. She even continued to stand there as the boat with Emily and Ben left the island.
Are they going to make her stand there until the tide comes in?
And it’s the time in the season where the lead decides to just skip the cocktail party and go right into the rose ceremony. Lauren B. is worried that Ben will send her home after what Leah said about her. How does she still think that when Ben immediately sent Leah home after she trashed his favorite? Anyway, Caila, Amanda, and Emily have roses. The rest of the ladies staying are:
Becca
JoJo
Gee. I wonder which Lauren he’ll keep.
Lauren B.
I’m kind of sad that Lauren H. is leaving. She seemed cool enough. On the upside, I don’t have to use last initials when I write “Lauren” at least until the “Women Tell All” episode. Oh, and there is a whole teaser about the finale when Ben tells both women he’s in love with them and an outtake of the ladies thinking a moth was a bat. Genius.
So, that was it this week. Thanks for dealing with my cold medicine induced ramblings about this show. I hope any of it made sense and maybe even was funny.
Until next week, Trashies!
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