So as we all know, Lucifer is going through a rebellious teen phase with his Almighty Dad, and ditched Hell for L.A. where he plays piano in his Hellfire Club like a snarky and less sparkly Liberace. Luci got so bored that he decided to help out a Gelfling solve dull human crimes and solve the mystery of why he suddenly has the FEELS. Luci is having an identity crisis and we’re all along for the ride.
Are you there God? It’s me, Satan.
A woman in a blue dress is standing on the ledge of a building. Luci is right behind her. Devil in adjacent a blue dress? Oh show, you are just so obvious. If you thought that Lucifer was embracing his dark side and getting this woman to commit suicide, then you have clearly forgotten this is a toothless network show, and really, Luci is just there to get this blue clad lass to have her “I am a golden god” moment at a pool party. Snore. Personally, I wish that Lucifer was a bit more evil; he can still be struggling with these new human emotions, and how this newfound humanity affects his instincts, but he’s a bit too good and that strips his character of any potential complexity. How does everyone else feel about this? Anyhoo. Luci spots Ty, a star quarterback, first draft pick, and virgin. GASP. Ty has just turned down the advances of a red-headed harlot, and Lucifer is just shocked. SHOCKED, I tell you. Time for Luci to use his Super Satanic Truth Serum Powers to find out what it is that Ty really wants; Ty is pretty basic, but he does want to get laid. Heavy is the hand that wears a promise ring. Luci convinces to Ty to score a touchdown with the red-head. Luci goes to hit on blue dress lady, but when he introduces himself, she’s all imposter! Apparently, the real Lucifer Morningstar lays down some sick beats and gets in rap battles in the Valley. Tom Ellis’ face is just magic in this scene. Blue Dress then tells Luci is accent his weak, but neglects to tell him that Nestor Carbonell called and asked for his eyeliner back. Luci rebounds with three ladies at the party.
Ty wakes up Lucifer – he needs that favor now. Something awful has happened. Luci’s lingerie sporting bedmates are heavy sleepers and don’t even wake up. Sorry ladies, no lines for you. One day you’ll earn that Sag card.
Det. Gelfling is Googling “hypnosis debunking” because she is deliberately obtuse. Future Stripper Trixie comes in to be annoying, as nearly all child actors are, and asks if Lucifer is a magician. If he really were a magician, he’d actually be able to conjure up some chemistry with Gelfling but even his dark power aren’t strong enough to make that happen. Speak of the Devil (if the show can be on-the-nose, so can I), he’s on the phone.
Child Actors: The Greatest Evil of All
Lucifer has summoned his favorite Henson creature to Ty’s home where the body of the red-head from the party is floating in the pool. It’s another case for Demon and Deadweight Detective to solve. Gelfling could clearly use a strong cup of coffee to perk up that sour puss of hers, but fortunately, Lucifer has enough pep and wit for everyone. Seriously, Tom Ellis is carrying this show (with some help from Rachel Harris) around like a hundred-pound kettlebell. Ty explains that he’d never touched alcohol before, and went to sleep. He asks if the victim fell in the pool and hit her head, but nope murder. Gelfling doesn’t appreciate being treated by Luci like a police concierge, and pouts about the 250 guests she’ll have to interview. Boo hoo, your job is hard.
I see you’ve met my children
Lucifer is very excited to point out his splooge to the crime scene investigator. We are all very impressed with your demonic seed, Luci, now please offer to pay for someone to clean that up. Det. Gelfling puts Lucifer outside like a bad dog. He’s pissed that he’s with the riff-raff (his fellow witnesses). Nobody puts Luci in a corner! Gelfling is sorting through a gigantic table full of purses. Dan the Dick arrives. Gelfling is pissed (shocking, I know) that not only is Dan late to the crime scene but he was late picking up Trixie. Dan apologizes and says that he got held up at an arrest in Hollywood. So who’s watching Trixie now? Gelfling finds car keys, and they learn that the victim’s name was Allie Thornton from Boise, Idaho. Gelfling is all “she was a long way from home.” Duh, this is L.A. almost nobody is from here. Natives, like yours truly, are a rarity. Maybe, Gelfling should go back to taking her shirt off in bad movies, because she has shown zero aptitude for detective work. Random crime scene person has found Allie’s missing nail in Ty’s bed. Looks like it was a night of firsts for Ty: he lost his virginity and maybe killed a lady. Gelfling hears loud panting outside the bedroom and finds Lucifer watching porn on a phone. It’s Allie’s phone, and features some hot and heavy make out action with Ty. Because Gelfling is terrible at her job, and lacks imagination she just goes ahead and arrests Ty. Ty is pissed, and blames Lucifer for everything that has gone wrong. The Dark Lord looks a bit hurt about that. Det. Gelfling has zero interest in Lucifer’s expertise, because, again she’s dumb. Luci just wants the correct person punished and he knows evil (has Gelfling met Donald Trump?) Of course, Gelfling sends Luci away, and then immediately takes his advice the minute his back is to her.
Hellfire Club. Lucifer needs all the drinks. Beelze-Bar Wench is busy on the phone with the LAPD about Luci’s imposter who is busy trashing budget hotel rooms in Tarzana and making it rain hot sauce at a chicken wing place. Lucifer’s refined sensibilities are OFFENDED, and he orders Beelze-Bar Wench to find the identity thief and give him some demonic justice. Beelze-Bar Wench finds the whole situation highly amusing.
Lucifer is busy stamping his cloven hooves all over Dr. Linda’s office. He suddenly gets his Almighty Dad’s beef with graven images and all that. How dare someone take the name Lucifer Morningstar in vain. Dr. Linda is all, calm down drama demon. NBD. Honestly, who steals the identity of someone with such a ridiculous name? Like, wouldn’t that raise red flags? I’d think it’s easier to pretend to be John Smith than Lucifer Morningstar, but I’m no identity thief, so what do I know? Dr. Linda turns things back to Ty’s case, and Luci stops whinging and decides he’s going to find the real killer.
But I’m the only King of Hell. Daddy told me so
Gelfling arrives at Ty’s agency, but finds Lucifer surrounded by demonic soul suckers AKA agents. Luci is so pleased to be surrounded by his people, and asks if anyone likes killing gingers? Other than Cartman? Gelfling is not pleased, because, of course she isn’t. She asks him to go, but Luci points out that if it weren’t for him she wouldn’t have traced a call on the victim’s phone to Ty’s agent Joe Hansen. Gelfling weakly says that she doesn’t need Luci’s help, but we all know she does, because she is TERRIBLE at her job.
Joe Hansen is your typical slimy agent. Lucifer turns on his Super Satanic Truth Serum Powers and the agent reveals that he wants to be the best ever and protect his client. Gelfling just looks like she’s catching flies. If Joe wants to protect his client, he’ll tell Gelfling everything or she’ll arrest him. Um, I don’t believe being a sleazy opportunist is a crime, but you’re the cop (eye roll). Joe says that yes, he hired Allie to have sex with Ty, not because he didn’t like the virgin angle, but because he needed his client to get over his ex Debra. Debra, in addition, to being a fan of the creepy collage, was also super jealous, and woe to the ho that dared buy her man a refreshing mojito. Joe Hansen says that Debra probably killed Allie for sleeping with Ty.
Gelfling and Luci are waiting for Debra to get out of her yoga class. Blah blah rain blah blah God. Luci is all “Daddy don’t care about the drought, bitch.” Also, neener neener Ty is innocent. Debra doesn’t want to talk to Gelfling and just keeps on walking. Good thing she has one of those remote locks because her car blows up. Well, there go Debra’s happy chakras. The police found a remote detonator in the bushes. Luci is trying to get Debra to confess to blowing up her own car, but Gelfling says that this was a warning. Debra is super delusional, and admits to going to Ty’s party to spy on him. The only thing that Debra killed that night was a couple pints of ice cream at an all night shop. Gelfling and Dan watch security footage of a woman on the verge of a dairy overdose. Yuck. Dan may have a lead on the bomber: Hollywood fixer Ronnie Hillman was seen near the yoga studio. He’s been trying to build a case against her for years, but she don’t talk to the po-po. Gelfling is all good thing the King of Hell is my new bestie.
Looks like someone regrets that threesome with Ben & Jerry
Lucifer is thrilled to be part of a sting but less thrilled to be working with Dan (Detective Douche). Dan is also less than thrilled but Ronnie the Fixer has already agreed to meet with Luci, so he doesn’t have much of a choice. Lucifer throws down a Michael Buble burn, and is ready for action. Ronnie the Fixer arrives at the club, and looks like she walked straight off the set of a Pat Benatar video. She feels up Lucifer, so she can check for a wire. Luci tries to send Ronnie to Dan but she mentions all the trouble that the pesky identity thief is causing in the Valley and how it’s hurting the Dark Lord’s sex game. New plan! Lucifer hires Ronnie and she leaves…for the Shadows of the Night, perhaps? Gelfling and Dan are pissed.
Hit Her With Your Best Shot
Ronnie the Fixer delivers the Faux Lucifer with a bag over his head to the legit Prince of Darkness. Ronnie certainly earns her rep, and her fee (all that Bumble and Bumble hairspray won’t pay for itself). Faux Lucifer is a doofy white guy with a bad accent who apparently, in addition to being a Hollywood douche, is also a two-pump chump and cries in bed – Luci can’t have his sexual reputation tarnished (or have people think that he eats hot wings). Beelze-Bar Wench is ready to go all medieval on Faux Luci’s ass. His name is Justin (because what douche-bro isn’t named Justin?) and he just wanted chicks, man. I still think it’s unlikely that many women, except for those going through a goth phase, would hook up with a guy named Lucifer Morningstar (unless he looked like Tom Ellis and even then…) – that’s just asking to be the butt of your friends jokes for years to come. Not. Worth. It. Beelze-Bar Wench is getting a lady boner watching her boss get his rage on. Should’ve kept your mouth shut, Beelze-Bar Wench because you killed the mood, and Luci realizes that maybe he’s overreacted. Faux Luci is sent back to the Valley in disgrace, and Beelze-Bar Wench is blue-balled. Lucifer pays Ronnie for her services, and apologizes for having her arrested. However, Ronnie denies killing Allie. Yeah we’ve all heard about the small town girl with big Hollywood dreams blah blah. Turns out that Joe Hansen hired Ronnie to blackmail Ty. Allie slipped Ty a roofie, got naked and brought along a selfie stick. Joe told Ronnie that Debra killed Allie, hence the car bomb.
Agents are the new butlers in People’s most obvious murderer list
Joe Hansen is busy coming up with a rebranding strategy for Ty when he is interrupted by Lucifer and his Muppet sidekick. They’re going to take Ty in for more questioning. Joe is all, what about crazy Debra? Gelfling says that Debra had an alibi and no one saw her at the party. Joe says he saw Debra at the party. That’s all they needed to place Joe at the party. Turns out Debra isn’t the only crazy girlfriend in Ty’s life, Joe was afraid that Ty was looking for a new agent. Ty only took a meeting to make Debra happy but Joe was still his main boo. Allie had an attack of conscience and wouldn’t give the sex video to Joe, so he killed her. Hey Joe, take a page from crazy Debra’s book next time, and eat all the ice cream and cry: the only person you’ll hate is yourself and you won’t have to spend the rest of your life protecting your ass from a heavily tattooed man named Jim-Bob in the prison shower. Luci is pissed and sends Joe flying through the glass conference room wall. GASP. That was actually pretty awesome, but Gelfling has to ruin things by calming Old Scratch down. Boo! More supernatural violence, please.
Ty thanks Luci for helping him out. He should have asked Luci for some tips about how to kick people’s ass. Crazy Debra rushes through the crowd and is reunited with Ty who apparently likes mental instability. Good luck you two. Ice cream and shame for everyone! Det. Gelfling is refusing to admit that Lucifer basically handed her the win on this case (and every case).
Ungrateful much?
Dr. Linda’s Office of Psychological Breakthroughs and Banging. I feel bad for Dr. Linda’s other patients who now have to sit on Satan’s crusty cum stains. Dr. Linda says that Luci came to L.A. to reinvent himself. Lucifer may enjoy punishing the guilty (Beelze-Bar Wench rates her boss one star on Yelp for his technique) but he won’t admit that he really enjoys seeking justice for the innocent. Displacement. Denial. Daddy Issues. Lucifer is changing, guys. Turn and face the strange, Luci!
Det. Gelfling is replaying the video of Luci tossing Joe Hansen through glass. Over and over. Could someone buy this woman a clue already?
Well, Trashmii what did everyone think about this week’s episode?
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