Hello Trashies and welcome to a brand-spankin, new, Top Chef Recap. Let me start off by saying, AHHHH No Man Bun!? How unlucky am I to have missed the week that little poser got sent packing. Alas! That being said it’s an open field now when it comes to who I (and presumably you will hate the most), so I am excited to see how the tables turn.
Why am I on this show? Didn’t you see my episode of Behind the Music? Hammer’s got bills to pay!
This week, the gang drives up to Oakland and meets MC Hammer. I don’t know what Hammer’s culinary cred is, but it doesn’t matter because he is an excuse to throw a super weird quickfire challenge at our finalists: The chefs have to come up with MC names and a dish that best represents that name/their personality. Woah. Karen is MC Streaks (thanks to her horrible hair choice), Marjorie is DJ Droopy or maybe DJ Dinner Rolls because she’s constantly baking lately. Amar is obviously MC Pho Hawk (Haha get it? Food, bad hair). Jeremy is Sir Makes-Crudo-Alot, while Isaac is The Ragin’ Cajun, or more likely the Rantin’ Cajun. And Kwame is Puff Daddy Issues. Is it just me or has he been super lame ever since that 10 years ago episode? Get it together Kwame, I know your dad left, but its been on 10 years and your on Top Chef now and starting your own restaurant. I think things turned out ok for you, all things considered. Just accept happiness man. Oh, and of course I almost forgot Carl, Dr. Who? (Get it? Like Dr. Dre but “they forgot about Dre.” And Doctor Who, obvi. Guys I’m really good at this!)
Of course while they cook the chefs tell us their rationale for their dishes and their names. We won’t get into most of the details here just know that never has a group of people sounded whiter, except for Kwame who got sad again because he used to be a rapper. Goddamn it, cheer up Kwame! The most important thing I want to address is Amar, who said he is cooking Chilean Sea Bass because his ex-girlfriend loved it and he loves the ladies. In the interview, He says, “I’m coming after you Joanna, I’ll get you back,” pointing to the camera as he says “you.” I know he was meant to be jokey but it reminded me of one of those gestures in 80s movies that taught guys crazy, obsessive and/or aggressive gestures were supposedly romantic. When in fact they are usually super creepy, bordering on scary (I’m lookin at you, Say Anything). Hint to lovers of all genders: Don’t give out your ex-girlfriend’s name on TV. And don’t announce you’re going to “get her back,” while aggressively pointing to the camera lens. If you really wanna get back together just talk to the person privately. You know, like a normal fucking human.
When you have the inclination to point and shout out,”I’m coming for you,” at your ex on TV. Don’t.
Ok now lets see what they come up with. As bad as my rap names are, theirs are sure to be worse.
Karen-Pink Dragon: Hot & Sour Soup with Pork Meatballs, Shiitake & Morel MushroomsCarl-Dr. Funky Fresh: Beef Taretare Lettuce Wrap, Carl took it upon himself to actually “rap” in front of MC Hammer and Padma before presenting his dish. It was so embarrassing I can’t really talk about it.
Amar-Santana Lovah: Soy-glazed Chilean Sea Bass with Dashi Broth, Enoki Mushrooms & Shishito Pepper.
Marjorie-Miss Punch-A-Lot: Fried Chicken Sandwich with Honey Sriracha & Marinated Watermelon Radish Salad
Isaac-Toups Legit: Scallops with BBQ Sauce & Grits
Jeremy-Spicy J-Rock 305 (smh): Spicy Broth with Dungeness Crab, Grilled Summer Squash & Halibut Cheek
Kwame-Bay-Lish (to be fair to Jeremy, this name is no better): Seafood Broth with Grilled Lobster & Dungeness Crab. Kwame tells Padma and Hammer that he raps and spins records. P asks him if he wants to take this moment he has in front of MC Hammer to show off his stuff. Kwame stands there awkwardly for like 5 long minutes staring at Padma then he swallows hard and begins. Things start off promising enough but as soon as he gets to his second line he is off beat and is clearly blanking. He ends by saying, “I’m sorry, I’m just nervous as hell!” Hammer gives him a cool hand shake and Padma leans over the table to give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek, the way you do when you’re trying to comfort a small child who has just embarrassed himself in front of the whole playground. This episode is super cringy so far.
Oh, you’re trying to rap?
Yeah man, I am a middle class white kid, and I was told I could do anything!
Least favorites for this challenge were: Amar, Marjorie and Kwame (guess embarrassing youreself in front of everyone wont win you immunity).
Favorites were: Carl, Isaac, and Karen (Karen took this opportunity to make some weird howling noises and a rawr type motion no one was comfortable with). Ultimately Isaac won the challenge and immunity. Must be good to be Toops Legit right about now, coming off a win and then winning a quickfire challenge is difficult to do and happens pretty rarely. I wonder if he is about to get a big head and become super annoying. Someone’s got to become our new villain. Fingers crossed.
Karen, why? Do you even know what a Dragon is Karen?
For the elimination challenge the chefs welcome Chef Jonathan Waxman, who is apparently a legend in terms of California cuisine. According to wiki he, “is is an American chef who was one of the pioneers of California cuisine and is credited with being the first to bring its style, fusing French cooking techniques with the freshest local ingredients, to New York.”
So there you go, we’re all learning new things together, bet you didn’t expect this recap to get educational. Anyway he comes out holding a globe with pins in it and I knew this challenge was going to be about to take a weird turn. Padma then announces that food trends come and go and it’s hard to know which one came from where, which is why this week it’s all about geography and history. The elimination challenge is to create a dish that evokes a culinary period in history. The chefs draw knives to see who will get to pick a pin of the globe first.
Isaac-Viking Age: Isaac tells us he chose this because they had big, huge knives and lots of meat. This makes me realize Isaac doesn’t know that much about Vikings and what they ate. Fear not, I once got very stoned and watched an in-depth 4 part BBC series on all things viking. Up until today I thought that was a waste of 4 hours of my life. But I am happy to say that as a result, I can tell you with some certainty that their culinary traditions were not appetizing (at least by modern standards). Mainly I remember that they buried their fish in the ground and waited for it to ferment/rot. The fish would become super dehydrated, tough, and overwhelmingly “fishy.” The host actually tried to eat some and practically gaged on the “delicacy.” I mean they had big knives because they were out plundering and pillaging, not because they were master chefs, obviously. But whatever.
Carl-Ancient Greece
Amar-Paris Belle Epoque
Marjorie-Ancient India
Kwame-Beijing, Han Dynasty
Jeremy-San Fransisco Gold Rush
Karen-Empire of Japan
The chefs have to go to the library and do research for 2 hours on their time period, and the culinary culture of the area. Can I just say what a shame it is that Atomic Age Gay, Jason, is no long around. He was competing with this challenge in mind the whole time. He actually talked about making a dish from some ancient greek philosopher’s book in one of the early challenges and then got kicked off because he made some ancient Japanese mushy squid & pork balls. I wonder if he actually gave the producers the idea for this challenge.
Either way, they run off to the library and instead of the panicked prep or shopping scenes we typically get, now we get the hushed panic of being at a library and working madly under a deadline. A feeling that reminds me and, apparently, everyone else of insane all nighters in college. Ahhh, memories.
As you can imagine some people are getting really excited about their era’s while other people are having a hard time. Jeremy for example finds a menu from one of the first fine dining restaurants in San Fran, and Amar is a French trained chef, so he’s pretty pumped. Isaac tells us he has a “fascination” with vikings. No you don’t. You think they’re cool in a very casual sense the way everyone does. Fascination implies a passion, or at least strong interest. You don’t have either. Words mean things.
After the library the chefs go to a Tiki bar and decide to be as obnoxious as humanly possible. There is an empty performance area with instruments (it also happens to be on a boat in the middle of a fake lake, let’s say, in the middle of the restaurant). Jeremy wants to play the drums, and the rest of the chefs follow announcing that they are about to become, “Top Chef, the band.” Unsurprisingly we get a calamitous cacophony of cow bell, drums, someone shouting “more cow bell,” lots of off beat hand claps and random whoops and howls. The other patrons in the restaurant clap but only because there are Top Chef cameras there. Imagine if you were eating dinner and a group of assholes came by and did this without a Bravo crew. You’d call over a manager immediately, and so would I.
No.
Stop.
Now it’s the next day and we are treated to the typical Top Chef kitchen prep scenes we’re used to plus that awkward forced questioning they do of each other. Carl, in practically robot voice, asks, “What. Are. You. Up. To. Marjorie.” Producers, just let them cook. They’re not actors, you can’t feed them lines.
In an effort to make these lame scenes more interesting they send Tom and Waxman into the kitchen to talk to the chefs. They talk to Karen it is pretty clear they are disappointed that she just decided to ignore the assignment by focusing on the Chinese influence on Japanese cusine during her era. I’s sure that wont come back to bite her in the butt. Then Kwame embarrassed himself by trying to serve them undercooked duck. I don’t know why he thought he could serve them a duck he’d only cooked for 16 minutes. I mean unless you’re putting in day old pizza to reheat, is 16 minute in the oven enough for anything? Anyway he tried to offer them a piece off the top but raw duck isn’t appetizing to anyone and Tom says don’t worry about out. Sheesh, pull it together man.
More scenes of culinary effort. Marjorie almost kills everyone with the burning smoke coming off her pan. She tells us she is nervous to cook Indian food for Padma. Jeremy tells us about chowders during the gold rush. And we are down to 15 minutes before the clock runs out. The judges take their seats and discuss their favorite time periods. Waxman is all about the Italian Renaissance, someone makes a joke about wanting to be there for the invention of the TurDuken. Back in the Kitchen Carl asks Marjorie why they ever wanted to be on Top Chef. And then it’s time.
Carl-Ancient Greece: Marinated Mackerel & Calamari with Olives and Grapes. Carl gets great reviews.
Marjorie-Indus Valley/Ancient India: Lamb Kebab with Heart Jus, Curried Split Peas and Paratha. You can tell Padma is really happy to finally have culinary authority above Tom, because she is like, I didn’t like your dish, and I’m Indian. Also you used too much ghee in when you fried the paratha. She might as well have announced, “I know things, damn it!” But also everyone else agreed so, I guess Marjorie finally found a bread she isn’t good at making. Congrats! She also get dinged for cooking the lamb medium rare, which apparently isn’t authentic to the time period. So all in all, not a great showing for MC Droopy.
Isaac-Viking Age: Cumin & Mustard-Seared Venison with Caramelized Onion Grautur & Pickled Beets. Isaac decided to serve the meal on smoked wood, instead of plates. What does that have to do with Vikings? I don’t know I guess it just seems like something Vikings would do according to Isaac. Ok, at least he didn’t try to make grits and cornbread. Or dehydrated fish for that matter. And to his credit apparently the venison was quite good. Although Tom was confused by the two random little walnuts he put on top of it. Me too Tom.
Kwame-Beijing/Han Dynasty: Coriander-Crusted Duck with Black Sesame Duck Jus, Eggplant & Lapsang Souchong Cream. Everyone agrees that Kwame did a good job. Will that be enough to cheer up Kwame though? We can only hope.
Jeremy-San Francisco Gold Rush: Sourdough Halibut with Shellfish Chowder. Jeremy’s dish isn’t well received. All episode he kept saying he didn’t just wanna make chowder. But apparently thats what the miners from the east thought was good eatin. Instead he tries to make it all soignee because he is intimidated by the caliber of chefs who are at the table. But by serving a tweezified version of a chowder, he completely misses the point of the time period and shoots himself in the foot. Whoops!
Karen-Empire of Japan: Soba Noodles in Mushroom Dashi Broth with Wagyu Beef & Pickled Mushrooms. Predictably Karen’s over reliance on the Chinese cuisine she is more comfortable with is what gets her in trouble. C’mon Karen I saw this coming a mile away. Anytime you don’t challenge yourself in an effort to stay safe it always hurts you on this show. Overall they did think the actual food she served them. But ignoring the point of a challenge is usual at mortal sin on Top Chef..
Amar-Paris Bell Epoque: Roasted Squab, Seared Foie Gras, Sweetbreads, Tourne Vegetables and Truffle Sauce. Everyone loves the dish, apparently he really nailed it because all of the chefs are impressed and they all have a background in cooking this type of food.
And with that it’s time to knockoff another one. Tom tells them they all did a great job across the board, especially considering how nervous they were cooking for such great chefs. Padma then calls out Kwame, Amar and Carl as being particular stand outs.
Kwame is applauded for his restraint in sticking with the simple ingredients and not decorating the plate with nonsense garnishes. Amar’s technique is also praised, and Carl’s balance of the ingredients is complimented. But there can only be one! And this week the winner was Amar. Psh, predictable, chefs love classic French cuisine (although to be fair I’m sure they would have been all over him if he fucked up even a little bit).
On to the losers, Jeremy, Marjorie and Karen. Tom once again lets them know that they all did a great job and to be honest if they didn’t have eliminate anyone they wouldn’t. Karen is actually dinged for not editing herself enough and not specifically going all Chinese on a Japanese dish, so thats interesting. Tom tells Marjorie he wishes there was more char on her grilled lamb, suggesting he had left more fat on it to get that effect. Then Padma comes in with a tone that makes it so clear she thinks her opinion is the most interesting, only to say the same thing she said at the table: you fucked up the bread and made it too greasy. K, good insight Padma. Finally Jeremy’s chowder is criticized for being too fussy and not getting out of his comfort zone.
In the end it’s Karen’s turn to go home. I didn’t expect that. To be honest, I really thought it was going to be Jeremy and still think it should have been. No one actually seemed to like his dish. But oh well, Karen is really sweet leaving, she tries to be upbeat about being on Last Chance Kitchen and of course she cries. But that’s that. And also that’s all folks, at least til next week.
It’s sorta weird not to have someone to super hate on the show anymore. Reading over this I can see that my hate is now just widely dispersed towards anyone and anything. Let’s hope that someone’s ego will get the best of them soon. In the meantime whats your Top Chef MC Name and what dish would best showcase it?
Mine would be like MC Crabby? My dish would just be me being like, look, it’s up to you to catch and cook that crab with a knife thats been all over the internets. Or maybe I’d just be DJ Cold Pizza Party, with my dish obviously being a day old pizza slice with some sriracha sauce. A dish thats cold and trashy with some bite? Sounds about right. (And it rhymes guys!)
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