Det. Gelfling is trying to wash the Muppet right out of her hair. She’s having one of those “only on TV/Film” showers where she very slowly sticks her face in the shower head, which causes her to flashback to ALL the evidence that Lucifer is, well, Lucifer. She hears a noise and suddenly we’re expected to think that this show has suddenly become a tense thriller (no such luck), instead it’s a wacky comedy involving the King of Hell making surprise crepes and Gelfling’s towel falling off. Har har, show. The hijinks continue when Dan the Dick and Trixie the Future Stripper arrive. Were the writers marathoning Three’s Company for inspiration? Does that mean Not Morpheus is playing Larry? Awkwardness all round. Dan is condescending, Gelfling is all “fuck my life,” and Lucifer is pissed that no one has eaten what is surely a devilishly good omelet. Curtains down on this French farce.
Pantene Pro-V: For Hair So Healthy, It Gives You Creepy Flashbacks
Luci goes running to Dr. Linda’s office of Tantric Therapy Sessions to complain about Gelfling not appreciating tasty breakfast products, break-ins, and demons sporting mascara. Dr. Linda is all AHEM I have other patients who don’t pay with their dicks. Womp womp.
Gelfling is getting ready to hit the mean streets of Los Angeles, and finds Dan the Dick at her door. She is not in the mood to hear about her Satanic admirer but Dan’s there because they’ve caught a case. Um, it’s called a phone…use it, Dan. Video of a wholesome girl road tripping with her brother to L.A. Her name is Lindsay Jolson and she was last seen at a Players Club event (a cheeseball group devoted to turning nerds into sex gods) talking to lead douchenozzle, Carver Cruz (AKA Mystery Reboot). Dan says he needs Gelfling to go undercover to one of these events to see if they can find out what happened to Lindsay. Oh, and Lucifer is one of the club owners on the list so…Dan needs Gelfling. Turns out these two aren’t divorced but separated, and Dan is feeling a bit green about Luci.
Who released Mystery from the prison of obscurity?
Dr. Linda is in session and tells Lucifer that he needs to stop putting Det. Gelfling on a pedestal. Lucifer thinks this means that he needs to bang her, because that’s the best way to lose interest. Dr. Linda is all, um… Lucifer leaves before slipping his co-pay into Dr. Linda’s box. Oh, the wackiness (eye roll).
Gelfling and Lucifer are walking down Hollywood Blvd. for some inexplicable reason. No one in L.A. chooses to walk around Hollywood Blvd., because that right there is hell on earth. Whatever, show. Flat banter, sexual fizzle. Blah blah. Gelfling is all business, while Lucifer is all about getting his flirt on. Gelfling says that she will never, EVER sleep with Lucifer, so she totally will. These two continue to have all the sexual chemistry of wet laundry left overnight in the washer that are beginning to whiff of mildew.
The Players Club has a gauntlet of cheap women wearing those nebulous “sexy Halloween costumes” that really aren’t costumes at all. Of course, Lucifer gets hit on immediately. Gelfling is confuzzled by this. Um, have you looked at Tom Ellis’ luxurious lashes or heard him speak words? Not everyone was created in a Henson workshop. A nerdy guy starts yelling for Mystery Reboot to come out and face him. It’s Lindsay’s brother and security is about to have him thrown out. Lucifer convinces security not to throw the kid out by asking who he desires. Unlike, Gelfling, the security guard has a pulse and would like a trip to Hell and back. Lucifer politely declines (aww, c’mon, show! We know that Luci is down with the V AND the P). Lindsay’s brother says that Carver killed his sister, and Gelfling promises to find out what happened. Um, if Gelfling is supposed to be working undercover why is she wearing a button down and skinny jeans? Like, isn’t the point that you’re supposed to blend in, which means taking sartorial tips from a Kardashian. Gelfling sucks at everything. Oh man, it’s time for the show. There are strobe lights, an instrumental version of Eye of the Tiger and lasers. This whole thing is just laughable, and sad that there are dudes that will spend $5k as Adam from Joan of Arcadia blathers about manly men stuff. Lucifer has questions and blows Gelfling’s spot by outing her as a cop. You can’t take Luci anywhere.
It’s so weird how my underwear is still dry. I must be dead inside because how else could I resist this player?
Gelfling is getting chewed out over the phone by her boss. Um, well maybe if you want the job done don’t put the biggest deadweight in the LAPD on the case with an unpredictable demon? Gelfling still needs to get into Mystery Reboot’s party, which is cash only. Lucifer says the venue in question is notoriously overpriced. This gives Gelfling an idea.
Meanwhile at the Hellfire Club, Beelze-Bar Wench and Not Morpheus get a subplot. Not Morpheus wants to team up to get Lucifer back to hell. Beelze-Bar Wench may not be happy with her boss, but there is a reason that she is Employee of the Month, and stands by her Dark Lord. The angel and demon fight it out to a goth-y soundtrack. It’s all very 1999. Not Morpheus plays it cool until Beelze-Bar Wench gives him a tongue bath. Apparently, Not Morpheus is immune to physical attacks but, like all men, can’t control his peen.
Gelfling arrives at Luci’s apartment. She’s acting all squirrely and wants to remind him that this is a PROFESSIONAL relationship. Well, if you’re so professional then you would have insisted on meeting him down in the bar or at another populated location, but then we wouldn’t have gotten Lucifer in all his naked glory. Gelfling is shocked, because she has never seen How I Met Your Mother and is therefore unfamiliar with The Naked Man, which Luci is right now employing. That sly devil. Luci is put out because once again, Gelfling is resisting his charm, but she only gets interested when she sees the scars on his back where his wings once were. Touchy subject for Luci, and a total mood killer. Turns out Gelfling’s big idea was to have Mystery Reboot’s party venue moved to the Hellfire Club. What a shocking plot twist! Not. Luci says what we’re all thinking: stop dressing like a Madewell model, and get your Hollywood whore on. It cannot be said enough, Gelfling is the WORST detective ever. What does she think undercover is?
Say HELLO to my little demon friend
Hellfire Club. Gelfling has put on a cute dress and is scoping out the room. Some laughably dorky guys try and flirt with her. I would ask for my money back from that seminar. Mystery Reboot spots Luci and Gelfling and pulls a gun. Lucifer tries to talk him down, so that Gelfling can disarm him. Mystery Reboot says that he has to leave, or the people that took Lindsay will kill her.
Mystery Reboot is in luurve with Lindsay and didn’t go to the police because the kidnappers threatened to kill him. Lucifer just can’t understand how someone could sleep with someone multiple times. It’s like up is down, and down is up! What a wacky world. Gelfling just glares, because that’s the only thing she’s good at. Luci takes the phone and calls the kidnappers directly – he’ll be the point man in this hostage negotiation. Apparently, this works for the kidnappers who don’t even seem to question it. I guess a sexy accent will open more than just legs. Mystery Reboot can’t understand why the devil would help his douchey ass out. Lindsay calls and the show adopts a hilariously bad split screen. It’s like Lindsay is starring in a movie of the week circa 1987.
These kidnappers are sooo MEAN they wouldn’t even let me use a Valencia or Mayfair filter for my proof of life photo!!!
Luci and Gelfling are staking out an industrial building. Lucifer, unlike Gelfling, observes proper stakeout etiquette by remembering to bring tasty snacks. Gelfling is an unbeliever in more ways than one, but is curious about Luci’s pain tolerance, which is high. Sorry, show but Luci being so fascinated by Gelfling’s lack of attraction or interest in him just doesn’t work. If she were a more interesting character, or this show truly embraced the supernatural and gave Gelfling some sort of special ability, maybe but all I can think is, “dude, move on…she’s just that not into you, and her personality fucking sucks.” WHATEVER. Mystery Reboot sneaks into the building after being ordered to stay at Luci’s apartment. Lucifer enters and locks Gelfling out – he promised no cops. Hahaha. Gelfling pouts and calls for backup.
Mystery Reboot is skulking around the empty industrial building when Luci sneaks up on him. The kidnappers called back and told Mystery Reboot to get his dorky ass down there or the deal was off. The kidnapper shows up and refuses to bring out Lindsay. When Lucifer refuses to give up the bag of money the kidnapper (who is at a complete height disadvantage) tries to take the bag from the Prince of Darkness who has a steely grip and doesn’t break a sweat. Mystery Reboot only cares about Lindsay and says to give the Wimpy Kidnapper the cash. Now that he has the cash Wimpy Kidnapper reneges on his deal, which I think we all knew was going to happen. Somehow Gelfling got in the building and she hears a gunshot. The shooter is Lee Harvey Lindsay and her target is Mystery Reboot. Wimpy Kidnapper is her brother, and this is all an elaborate revenge plot. Ya see, Mystery Reboot popped Lindsay’s cherry after picking her up in a library of all places. Did Mystery Reboot woo her by reciting passages from Superfudge? Instead of revaluating her life choices, Lindsay hatched this dumbass plan. Luci is all, the punishment doesn’t fit the crime but Lindsay disagrees until she sees his Darth Maul Devil Face. Lindsay is now terrified. Gelfling shows up to the party, and sees Luci’s eyes flash red. FINALLY she realizes that she’s been running around town with the OG Fallen Angel. Welcome to the party, Gelfling: Everyone already left.
Have you seen Gelfling’s ride? No wonder she’s always late
Hold up, Gelfling is still processing this. It’s only episode four, no need to rush or anything. Luci has had enough of this, and asks her to just shoot him already. Gelfling does, and even though she’s saw him get shot multiple times in the pilot, this is still too much to handle. OUCH though because Lucifer might need a band aid. Luci’s all, WTF? Gelfling’s all, I’m so grounded! Oh good, Gelfling has neutered Satan with her sour attitude and terrible police skills. Maybe if Sam and Dean Winchester had been less charming and handsome they would have beaten all the demons in Hell years ago (and, of course, not had a show). So ONCE AGAIN Gelfling doesn’t believe even though the evidence is smacking her in the face (she must be a Republican).
Lucifer covers Gelfling’s ass, and gets his flirt on with her lieutenant who is kind of young to be in charge of homicide, but okay. Gelfling is thrilled to get away with her shooting and gives Luci a ride (but not the kind he was hoping for) home. Did she take the Highway to Hell (AKA the 405 at rush hour)?
Gelfling gets home, and is greeted by her future street walker Trixie who does that irritating “wise beyond her years” thing that only kids on TV do. She doesn’t buy that the stain on Mommy’s shirt is ketchup, Trixie knows blood when she sees it. Ugh. The worst part is that Trixie is a better detective than her mother. Kind of embarrassing. Trixie then tells Gelfling that maybe she likes Lucifer because she shot him. Writers, please take a page from The Walking Dead and take Trixie out like you did Ron and Sam Anderson in this week’s episode, thank you.
Luci limps back to the Hellfire Club. Beelze-Bar Wench is rightly concerned that her boss just bled BLOOD like a gross human. She’s all let’s blow this shitty club and go back to Hell where the screams are loud and the fire is hot hot HOT. Lucifer wants to stay because of show related reasons.
You just went from JV to AV, bro
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