Hola Trashies! This new season of Survivor caught me by surprise. I was certain I had a few more weeks til the premiere, but I happened to catch a commercial for it during the Superbowl…while on an airplane. Coming back from a long, carefree Mardi Gras weekend. Needless to say, the dude sitting next to me was a bit perplexed when I yelled, “Shit! Already?” to my phone. But here I am, your dedicated recapper for another season of Probst and 18 more assholes castaways competing for a cool million bucks. Let’s get to it!
Probst does his usual monologue about how THIS season of Survivor is the most [insert an adjective that sets your expectations incredibly high] in history. We get lovely shots of infected wounds, contestants sweating profusely, and a monkey in desperate need of a dental plan. We get the breakdown of the three tribes: Brains, Brawn and Beauty. Peter (Brains) tells us he can’t deal with dumbasses. Me neither, dude. Debbie (Brains) says that puzzles “lay down for [her] like lovers.” I wonder how long she worked on that line before production started. Scot (Brawn) is a former NBA player who takes a little too much joy in telling us he’ll do away with weaklings:
<img class=”aligncenter size-full wp-image-380178″ src=”http://www.trashtalktv.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/NBA-hates-weaklings.jpg” alt=”NBA hates weaklings” width=”400″ height=”222″ /
If he had a mustache, he’d be twirling it.
Jason (Brawn) is a bounty hunter who just wants a paycheck. We all like to cash checks, man. Anna (Beauty) is a professional poker player who tells us she doesn’t hesitate to use her funbags to her advantage at work. If ya got ’em, use ’em. Nick (Beauty) is a personal trainer who makes the bold statement that his life is easier because he’s “better looking than most people.” I’m just gonna put this screenshot here without further comment:
A bell rings and everyone starts running around to gather supplies. Probst tells us the tribes have 2 minutes to grab whatever they can off the boat for their camps. Someone opens the top of a basket and immediately a chicken flies out and away from the boat. Hahahaha! Caleb (Beauty/Big Brother) jumps in the water and grabs it, much to the chicken’s annoyance. Joe (Brains), a former FBI agent (and a bit of a silver fox, IMHO), says the chaos on the boat is something he can handle. Tai (Beauty) tells us he’s trying to protect the chickens because he “loves all living creatures.” That’s sweet and all, but you’re on Survivor, dude. Those chickens’ days are numbered. Everyone jumps in the water and starts paddling their overloaded rafts to camp as Jeff barks at us that the game is on.
After the credits, we join Brawn as they paddle to their camp. Cydney is a body builder and doesn’t seem that annoying yet. Jason, on the other hand, tells us he served 6 years in the Army, so he doesn’t need to prove to anyone that he’s a badass. He says many people find him intimidating and judge him by how he looks:
I think he’s a legend in his own mind.
Little do all us Judgey McJudgersons know, however, that he’s a dad of two, and his daughter has autism. That sucks, but I have a feeling he’s going to use that to his advantage down the road….
Alecia (god, did the producers actively seek out people with the most obnoxious name-spellings?) shrugs off the “Malibu Barbie” label she usually gets and brags to us about bungee jumping, swimming with sharks and hanging out with tigers. She’s super tiny, and I’m a bit perplexed that she’s on the Brawn tribe. They get to work on building a shelter. The NBA player says no one is smart, but they’re strong. To prove his point (at least about himself), he calculates there are five of them rather than six. Even I’m not that bad at math!
Next, we join the Brains: Liz works for the government. Hell, so do I. I guess that means I could be included in the “brain” trust? She’s a “quantitative strategist,” which I can assure you is code for sitting on her ass and watching cat videos on her phone all day. Omg, Peter is a doppelgänger for our current president:
Debbie is already annoying the shit out of me as she rattles off her resume and qualifications for being placed with the Brains. It’s like she’s doing an impression of Melissa McCarthy’s character in Bridesmaids except she’s for real and not funny at all. She’s a civil air patrol captain, which apparently means she can build ballin’ shelters. She’s also a server at Red Lobster. I wonder if her tips increased 33% after Beyonce dropped “Formation”? Neal is an “ice cream entrepreneur.” This sounds suspiciously like the “coconut vendor” of two seasons ago, but I’ll reserve judgment for now. He’s already pegged Debbie as psycho, so I kind of like him. He’s worried about being stuck with the Brain tribe based on how poorly the Brains did in the Cagayan season. I don’t blame him.
Over at the Beauty camp, Average Nick rambles on about how beautiful everything is. I’m sure he considers his presence as an added value to the surroundings. Tai, whom I want in my life immediately, openly wonders why he’s on the Beauty tribe. Nevertheless, he climbs up a tree and cuts down some palm fronds like a champ. The women are weaving palm fronds (of course they are) and drooling over Caleb and Average Nick. Michele, a bartender, is already scheming to separate the women into an alliance. Caleb wonders why Tai is on the Beauty tribe. I will point out that Caleb is nothing special himself. I mean, he’s cute, but beautiful? I see 10 Calebs a day just at the grocery store. I’m betting he’s a big fish in a small pond back home in Kentucky. Tai tells us about how he came over to the US from Vietnam after enduring an 11-day voyage on an overcrowded refugee boat and living in a camp for a year. He’s already my favorite. I’m not even gonna hide it. So far, he’s the most interesting player, so I hope he doesn’t turn into a dick as the season goes on.
After the break, we join Brawn as they try to make fire and build a shelter. Jason, the “badass bounty hunter,” is already bitching about how hard it is to carry rocks. He endured all those tattoos and he can’t carry a few rocks? He tells us he has no faith in “Blondie” (Alecia). Remember, this is the guy who whined that people judge him on his appearance. So, basically this is day 1 and he’s already written off the blonde female because…well, she’s blonde. He and NBA agree that “Blondie” is useless without a shred of legit evidence that I can see other than what the editors show us. They agree to bring Jenny, the construction worker, into their newly formed alliance. Darnell, a postal worker, discusses an alliance with Cydney. He’s tall and lanky and again I’m wondering if the producers know what the word “brawn” means. Cydney has no interest in Alecia (Blondie), and wants to eliminate the other women first. Darnell has his own elimination to attend to and christens the ocean waters with his first underwater bowel movement. Alarmingly, no one is alarmed by this.
How revolting.
Over at the Beauty camp, the chickens get loose and chaos ensues while Tai just watches in astonishment. He tells the tribe that the better plan would be to tether the chickens to a long leash where they can still roam around a bit, as opposed to keeping them trapped and stressed out in a tiny wicker cage. Maybe Tai should be on the Brains tribe instead? Julia, whose sole accomplishment seems to be that she was in a sorority, claims she’s going to make deep connections with those who matter. It dawns on her that Caleb was on Big Brother. I’ve only seen one season of that show, so y’all will have to fill me in on his shenanigans. So far, he hasn’t blown me away. He wears a cowboy hat, but that doesn’t mean a damn thing to a woman from Texas. Michele tells us that Caleb’s tight alliance on BB shows that he’s loyal, so she wants him in the alliance. Caleb and Tai manage to make fire together, so good for them.
Back over with Brains, this is happening:
He’s 71.
I just blew through all seasons of Mad Men, and let me tell you, John Slattery is my #1 Silver Fox, but Joe may give him some competition. Joe tells us he was a hostage negotiator in his FBI days. Dude, Joe is someone you want on your side in this game. I wouldn’t want to make an enemy of someone who’s an expert at saying the right things to get you to do what he wants. Debbie, whose chryon description alternates between “civil air patrol captain” and “waitress,” is convinced she and Joe are soul mates. Back off, Debbie. Liz and Neal are talking shit about Debbie and Joe. Neal, the “ice cream entrepreneur” dismisses Joe as the “geriatric” who is slow before having legitimate proof of anything. Neal just dropped several notches in my book. Joe looks better than anyone on that tribe, and he’s working on the shelter as Nick relaxes in the water. Does Neal realize he’ll be in his 70s one day? I turned 40 last year, and as much as my younger friends give me shit about my age, I remind them that they too will be 40 one day. Anyway, Liz agrees that Joe is “the most likely to be Medavacked” (sp?). Obama agrees that Joe and Debbie are the low-hanging fruit to be eliminated first.
Over at the Beauty camp, Tai is on the hunt for an idol while the others work on the shelter. Mr. Gardener rips a young tree from its roots to see if a hidden immunity idol is there. I’m recovering from bronchitis and that scene just sent me into one of those coughing/laughing fits.
“I love all living things…unless they can give me an advantage in a competition for a million dollars.”
The rest of the tribe is wondering if Tai is doing the smart thing (i.e. looking for the idol). He’s ripping up more trees, flinging branches and ferociously digging in the dirt. The rest of the tribe starts to look for him. He carefully plants the young tree back and apologizes to it. This dude is gold.
After commercials, we’re back with Beauty. Anna (pro poker player) and Nick confront Tai who admits he was looking for a clue to an idol. They get all snotty with him for having the audacity to play this game and look out for himself. Anna tells us she no longer trusts Tai. She’s a dumbass for thinking she can trust anyone in this game, especially in the first few days of meeting them. She and Nick tell everyone else about what they saw, and now Tai is on the chopping block.
Over at Brains, Obama and Aubry (social media marketer) are working on palm fronds while she bitches about the heat and humidity. She’s from Boston, where I guess it never gets hot and/or humid. Good lord, just drink some water and get a grip. Cool off in the ocean. Even Joe is astonished that she’s working in the blazing sun rather than in the shade. Aubrey starts crying and whining about everything. They’re like, two days into this. Obviously, this isn’t sitting well with her tribe.
Over at the Brawn camp, Jennifer, the contractor, is bending over in pain because something is crawling deep inside of HER EAR!!! W. T. F.? That’s genuinely horrifying. She tells us she’s worried about the physical damage this critter is doing to her inner ear. I can’t even with this.
After the break, we join Brawn again. Can we not get to the goddamn immunity challenge?! Jennifer’s ear is now bleeding, and she’s understandably losing her shit and crying out in pain. God, someone call for a medic! Everyone is just standing around wondering how this is gonna impact the challenge. Fucking HELP HER, you assholes! We get a closeup of a tiny worm crawling out of Jennifer’s blood-crusted ear.
OMG, OMG, OMG
Finally, NBA steps in to help and he pulls it out of her ear. This is the stuff of nightmares. After she’s dewormed, she says she feels back to normal. Thank god that’s over. I once dislocated my shoulder, and the pain was so intense that I couldn’t think straight. Once it popped back into socket, the pain went from 10 to 0 in an instant. I’m assuming it was something similar for Jennifer once that awful worm was removed from her ear.
Immunity challenge: Finally. Each tribe swims out to a boat. Once everyone is on board, someone dives down to retrieve a paddle. Once they have all four paddles, they’ll race to shore where they’ll convert their boat to a cart and push it to the top of a hill. Once at the top of the hill, they can choose to either complete a puzzle or complete a dexterity challenge. The puzzle is the obvious choice, as the dexterity challenge requires them to stack balls while standing on a wobbly beam. Screw that. Per usual, the first two tribes to finish win immunity, and the first tribe wins a big reward: a fire-making kit. Second place gets flint.
Everyone is in the water, and it’s a shitshow. Old school Survivor players would never have received a face mask to use while diving for paddles. I call BS on that luxury. Darnell (Brawn) loses his mask instantly. Jennifer jumps in to take Darnell’s place and gets two paddles sans mask. Tattoo Jason jumps in to give her a break. Beauty gets all four paddles first and heads back to shore. Brains is (are?) next. Brawn finally gets all four paddles. Turns out it’s hard to get the boat in the cradle for the cart since the boat is heavy as hell. Brains is in the lead, followed by Brawn. Beauty fucks up their tracks. Brains starts on the challenge with Liz and Aubrey working on the puzzle. Brawn chooses the puzzle, while Beauty continues to struggle with the boat. They finally get their shit together and choose puzzle, but it’s too late. Brains wins first place. Beauty barely wins second place sending Brawn to Tribal.
Alecia (Blondie) acknowledges she was useless with the puzzle, but wants to vote off Darnell since he screwed up the challenge by dropping the mask.
After the break, we’re with Brawn, the losers. Alecia apologizes for failing the puzzle challenge, and Darnell throws in an apology for losing the goggles. Darnell tells us he knows his name is going to come up at Tribal. Darnell starts negotiations, and he’s assured that everyone is voting for Blondie. NBA tells Blondie that she’s safe. Naturally, she’s skeptical. NBA tells Blondie he’s tired of her “constant scheming.” I haven’t seen anything to support his position, and I’m pretty turned off by the patronizing tone he’s using with her. NBA and Tattoo ask her if she has an idol, and she won’t commit to an answer. That manages to blow their minds because they think she’s too stupid to play the game. Cydney (bodybuilder) isn’t on board with voting off Darnell. She tells us she’s gonna vote off Alecia no matter what.
Tribal: Jeff wants to know about first impressions. Tattoo says he’s “satisfied” that some of the tribe measures up to his “high standards.” Omg, well, good for him. Jeff wants to know who doesn’t measure up.
“Do tell!”
Tattoo says two people suck: Blondie and Darnell. Jeff points out that “Blondie” doesn’t get a name.” She says she has good intentions with the tribe and that she doesn’t feel she’s the weakest link. Darnell admits he contributed to the loss. NBA says that Darnell told them he could dive, and they all took it on faith he’d follow through. That’s a fair point. Darnell owns the fact that he screwed up big time. Alecia announces that she’s a “mental giant,” which is fantastic. Hahahaha, I think she’s trolling these dudes. Darnell and Blondie argue about who did what. He says she did nothing while he pushed the boat. That’s actually not true. She was on the other end helping to pull it up. Anyway, they make their case some more. Darnell starts to choke up about how hard life is back home. Who the fuck doesn’t struggle in life? His tears work because now Jennifer and Tattoo don’t want to vote off Darnell.
Time for the vote: Alcia, Darnell, Alecia, Darnell, Alecia, Darnell. Oh shit. A tie? Time for a revote, where Darnell and Alecia won’t vote.
Vote 2.0: Darnell, Darnell, Darnell.
So what did y’all think? Did this premiere seem to go on forever? I was a bit bored by it. I truly hope this season picks up some energy as it moves along. Any early favorites for a final three? Do you think Nick is as gorgeous as he thinks he is?
Oh, and here’s a pic of me and one of my BFFs posing with the 610 Stompers on Magazine Street during the Thoth parade Mardi Gras weekend:
Believe it or not, I was sober.
Let’s chat in the comments!